Oct Goal Accountability

30 Oct

Maintenance Goals (from 2013):

-floss daily.

Unfortunately no.  I slipped a few nights because I was tired.  Or because I forget to do it at 4PM before I go to work.  It doesn’t make sense to do it before I eat.  But sometimes at midnight, I’m just so done for that I can’t manage it.  In November, I’m going to try to do it every night no matter what.

-drink water.Kidron's post b-day pics 035

I’ve had 7-16 glasses every day.  I never expected to be able to drink so much, and I certainly didn’t expect chapped lips and concentrated urine if I had “only” 10 glasses.  I’m going for 12/d next month–to help flush all the sugar out of my body.

-read for pleasure.

Not even close to a thing.  Reading notes and textbooks is as far as I’ve taken it.  Plus, I no longer lie awake for any length of time before bed.  My head hits the pillow between 12:30 and 1AM and it’s right to sleep.  I’ll do double-time reading when the semester is over.

-weekly massage.

Also not a thing.  Our schedules are late-night now, so there is no awake time to do so.  I think in November we could manage this on Sunday.  Though I’m notoriously dead-tired that day.  It’s not fair, I feel more hung over from post-work then I did as a drinker.  Fatigue, body soreness, mental tiredness, and UNproductive is how my Sundays have been going lately.

-abstain from drinking.

Even though fall-brews are my favorite beer, especially pumpkin ales, I’ve abstained.  As a result, I’ve treated myself to waaaaaaaaaaay too much candy, caramel dip, Pizza Hut, and junky, shitty food that makes me feel more tired then I already am.  I shouldn’t have to feel totally punished and go without everything though!  It’s bad enough I have to work on Halloween (4:30PM-12:30AM) to add insult to injury.

-study habits.dissecting Eugene 068

You see, MY things haven’t changed.  But about at the halfway point of the semester, both my professors simultaneously realized class was moving too slow to get through the material.  So my phonetics exam got moved 5 weeks sooner and out transcriptions tests got pushed closer as well.  So it’s test after test in that class.  Literally–every class session is a test.  And we got to microneurology which is intense and has a vocab all it’s own, so my teacher has been doing the sneaky–learn this at home, memorize that chart on your own time, and study this power-point on your own.  In essence double-tripling the amount of material we will be tested on without taking any class time to go over it.  This sucks, and double-triples my test-prep and study-time for that class.  Add in tutoring demand and transcriptions for my professor friend–I feel like all I’m doing is school and work.  I’ll be relieved when the semester is over–and yet I’m not stressed out?!  I can’t explain this either.  Very busy, but not overwhelmed. . .

January=fitness.

October has been not so good on the eating front.  And because life has me so busy, I started running the mile as fast as I could muster (8.5-9 min on average) which was not so fast.  So I lot at least a min of speed since the summer, and because I was trying to rush through, no incline.  I changed my lazy ways and started running on incline again when I noticed my love handles re-appear.  They had been a staple of my body since puberty, but had disappeared as of late.  Well, apparently, it was thanks to daily treadmilling incline they had.  So now I’m jogging up a hill while looking at my notes.  I promise to be so much better in November and try to add in produce and stick with chicken and rice and such to feel better again.  Sugar is getting heavily reduced!

Feb=have gratitude; say nice things.

Only so-so.  I do fall asleep immediately now, so I can’t list what I’m thankful for prior to sleep.  But I have been tending to wake up in the early morning, and recite the positive things to fall back asleep.  I’ve gotten annoyed by inefficiency at work and I need to chill out and let them do things their way–even if they don’t make sense and are slower then need be.  What do I care?

March=straighten out sleep.

I think as long as I have both this job and school it’s not all that possible.  I am trying to maintain a strict routine, and even have the cats trained to it.  The time-change will put a crimp in our style, but we’re getting ready for that early (and slowly) so it doesn’t whack us out.  In November I’m going to do my best to sleep in until at least 9AM since I’m now a night person.

April=save $$$.thumbs up poster

Now that I’m making money this should be easier.  But I bought a discounted snowboard at the swap, which will save tons of money in the long run, but didn’t allow me to put any aside in October.  I also found out that my big plan to take half-time credits in order to get another loan disbursement and keep my undergrad loans on forbearance is made impossible by the loan companies.  You have to take at least 6 credits towards a degree.  And since I’ve completed all the post-bac courses, there’s nothing left “towards my degree.”  Total bummer–and a game-changer for spring semester.

May=volunteer.

What was I thinking?  No way will this be possible.  But next semester (when I’m not a student) I do want to shadow an AuD.

June=Cool.

New meds are making life great again.  When Cool is her old self, things are wonderful.  She went through a mania earlier in the month, but we recognized it early on and followed the proper medication changes, and things have calmed down nicely.  I hope this version of Cool gets to stay a long, long time! *crosses fingers*  It’s easy to compliment her and get along well when we’re not dealing with bipolar moods, anxiety symptoms, or medication side-effects.

July=my appearance.

Also not a thing.  And fuck my circle of gray hair that won’t remain dyed for long at all.  Am I supped to dye my damn hair every 2 weeks?!  I am in too much of a hurry for jewelry or makeup on most days also.  I don’t care what I look like at work, since I’m just scrubbing toilets anyway.  In November, I’ll try to put on quick makeup/perfume/jewelry (one of those things) for class at least.

Aug=Worry Less, Thank more.

I got slightly stressed out about work, but I realize that stressing out about this particular job is a waste.  I don’t always have to overachieve, don’t always have to rise to the top, and don’t always have to strive to make things run better.  My new plan is to fly under the radar, do my time, then move.  Who cares if some things are stupid?  Not me.

Sept=make a list, grocery shop, cook ahead.dissecting Eugene 027

Ha ha.  Now that I’m a night person (and am working/exhausted Thursday-Sunday) I have no idea when to shop.  Cool does a good job getting items we ran out of at Safeway, but it’s not the same as generating a menu, making a list, and going to Grocery Outlet together with a list.  I do not have high hopes for the rest of the semester though.  Maybe we can at least make a manu. . .

Oct=don’t over-pluck.

If anything, I have been under-plucking.  When I’m home I’m pretty much incapacitated by soreness and tiredness, so no worries.

Nov=Increase eye contact.

I am naturally terrible at this.  Trouble is, I don’t realize it’s happening until AFTER the encounter is completely over.  I need to think about it before or during in November.

“Criminal Minds” is a Sausage-Fest

28 Oct

The show is centered around all the males, for sure.  They get the most time, have the best story lines, the most fleshed-out background stories.  They’re the ones most physically capable, leading the chase, and that are most clever.  It’s not right.  And I can see maybe adding some realism–because a lot of those jobs are a boys’ club, but c’mon this is ridiculous.

Elle never had a chance.  She barely got lines, let alone any central role.  Her character didn’t get a personality/backstory until they were in the process of writing her out of the show.  After Elle left, the writers made an “effort” to play up JJ and Garcia’s characters.  Which meant show JJ being a head-case over small town stuff, be a high-maintenance girlfriend, and of course, start a family.  Cause that’s what women are good for.

Garcia has fared somewhat better, at least getting to DO something important and crucial on the show.  Though the writers have taken pains to show she’s always on the sidelines, out of the main action, and too sensitive to handle the tough stuff.  Also, they make her quirky so much that it takes away any seriousness from what she does.  And they make sure to have her act unprofessional just to drive home that she doesn’t really belong.

Prentice got on the show, and got to chase the bad guys, but her character was never fleshed out either.  We never knew her story, never saw her personal life, and we never really got a feeling for who she was.  Until they began writing her out of the show.

They thought they could find a random blonde to fill in for JJ and Prentice when they tried to axe them both at the same time.  PS the audience doesn’t want a random piece of eye candy–we want balance.  And they never bothered to explain why she was staying with the team.  Externship?  Scholarship?  She was only there to help with 1 case.  Then she came on for a 2nd b/c they had written her sucking so much on the 1st.  But why did she keep coming back?  We never did find out.  And in real life it would probably be against the rules and a liability–not to mention impractical with a full course load and field training.  But whatever–she was blonde, right?  And to make it totally disgusting she was always making eyes at Rossi, at least 20 years her senior–which would be a major ethical dilemma for him.  So I’m glad that storyline never came to fruition. . .  And they made her bad-ass the first 4 seconds we met her–then never showed anything like that again.  They made her a crummy agent despite the power-house 1st scene.  The blonde never added anything–except bad acting to the show.  And just as suddenly as she was brought in to the show, she was removed, with barely an explanation.

And after the audience complained loudly, they brought back JJ and Prentice for season 7.  But at the end of season 7, suddenly Prentice was all–I don’t want to buy this house, and being with you guys never felt right from the beginning.  The producers apparently think we have severe memory loss.  Prentice worked her way into the BAU through her personal connections, she was almost killed multiple times and each time she said it’s still where she belonged.  When they tried to kill her off the first time, then she came back–the group was surprised.  But she said she came back because she belonged with BAU.  So this–it never felt right business is NOT going to fly with me!

What’s really happening is the show is still trying to save money, and of course they see the women as most expendable.  Rossi actually came on last, and the audience still doesn’t connect with him, but you don’t see HIS job constantly in perile.  The producers think that because they gave Hodge a GF suddenly, that it will be enough females.  Except they are wrong.  A fringe character, dependant on the role of the central male isn’t good enough.  The audience wants to see women in central roles, just as tough, smart, and integral to the show as all the men.  And a recurring (part-time) girlfriend with hardly any lines, let alone plot lines isn’t enough.

So despite enjoying the show, I hate the way the women are portrayed and I hate even more that the producers find them expendable.  Give us an equal amount of women that challenge and even exceed (sometimes) when the men on the show are capable of.  And stop making them whiny, head-cases with fringe parts, and are first-chopped.

Infuriating!

27 Oct

I just wrote a blog post.  And published it–got the note at the top of the page saying it had been published and everything.  And it was just gone.  Not posted, not a draft, nowhere.  So I back-back-backed my way to this, and it’s blank.  That is one thing I do NOT miss about the Myspace blog days.  You couldn’t trust it not to erase all your work, so you had to write on a word doc and transfer it = pain.  Don’t start with that business, WordPress!  Anyone else having these probalems?  It’s never happened to me on here before this month. . .

dissecting Eugene 046So to recap I had told you I’m sorry for not posting.  I’ve been terribly busy.  And I felt guilty for leaving you hanging, and worried everyone would leave.  I told you I’d be back full force after my semester.  For now it’s a little crazy trying to get my obligations in check while fighting my sleep schedule.

And so help me–if this post is gone without a trace, I’ll scream!  Now, I cry because I have to work on Halloween, I’m eating too much sugar lately, and I still have homework, but I’m super-sleepy.

There’s Some Glitch?

15 Oct

What is happening with WordPress right now?  I keep trying to write a new post,and it keeps freezing and making my cursor invisible, then I can do nothing on the page.  No other tab is acting up, it’s just this site.  I reloaded the page and it did the same thing.

Anyway, I took my big exam this morning.  I studied really hard for it, and felt like I knew everything we covered in class.  I knew my big probably would be reading the questions carefully, answering all the parts of each questions, and not accidently writing a wrong term or direction or some easy error.  The test felt very easy.  I think the prof tries to make different levels of questions:  Easy, intermediate, and advanced.  Except, I feel like the easy and intermediate ones are hand-fed to us.  So that whether you studied or not you could ascertain the answer from hints given, reading other test questions, or other tactics.  And then, the advanced questions are things she wants us to extrapoloate from information given in class–read things not explicitly taught.  So I go in to the test hoping to recall everything on the notes and in the readins, so I have some wiggle room on things I’ve never encountered in my life.  And the advanced questions are fine, but I think she needs to make the medium questions harder, because it’s not right that someone who didn’t study can get the same grade as me (who put a lot of effort into the class).   I guessed wrong on a 4 point(!) hydrocephaly (never mentioned) short answer.  I said meninges were the structure, when I should have guessed ventricles.  So it’s an automatic 93%.  And after all my studying (and an EASY test), I’m not super-happy with that. . .

On a slightly different topic–well, still the brain we got tickets to the snowboard swap.  It will be most practical buying snowboards and boots here, then using them in Salt Lake, Colorado, or Tahoe ie big, expensive, world-renowned snow-sport locations.  And I’m a big believer they need to increase helmet usage here, so I guess I’m putting together a group to talk about traumatic brain injury and the importance of helmets.  I’m not sure how I because the leader on it other then we’re going and I see a need and think it’s important.  But I suppose since I’m suggesting we go, I ought to volunteer some time too.  We’ll see how it goes–I e-mailed the people putting on the event as well as my classmates.  I don’t have high-hopes for a response.  But if anyone follows up, it will be a useful thing.

I started watching “Desperate Housewives” on Netflix, just while Cool is at work–we watch “Criminal Minds” but only together.  You see, I like to watch something when I eat.  Anyway, it’s kind of a soapy, kind of a drama/comedy.  What I already don’t like is the men on the show.  Total tool-bags!  Carlos thinks he owns Gabby, and is a total Momma’s boy, always taking her side over his wife.  The poor twins’ mom who is obviously overwhelmed, was made to give up her (more successful) career, is saddled with 99% of the household/kid responsibility, and her dope-husband does things like invite over company for a formal dinner without telling her, and with only 2 days notice.  Bri’s husband doesn’t appreciate anything she does for him, is always putting her down and griping, and is cheating.  I’m not impressed with how the writers have the women treated on this show.  Like they just have to put up with all this crap, and it’s normal.  I say these capable, beautiful, smart women could do a lot better then these jerks!  Plus, I’m never a big fan of obvious eating disorders for a whole cast–when they are role models for women.

I got a flu shot last Thursday.  Which I never have before, and have always railed against.  I NEVER get the flu.  If I get sick at all (which I haven’t since 2008) I get a head-cold.  Anyway, because I’m in closed-air, close quarters with so many people, and tons of kids–cleaning, at ground zero–I decided to this year.  My school did them for free last Thursday.  The site was a little tender that night, but I used it–to sort of work it through.  By that night, it felt just fine.  And I thought I did too.  Friday I was tired.  Saturday I felt crummy.  Like muscle soreness, but deep, deep inside.  And it was exhausting to even walk to the kitchen.  I couldn’t have stood on my feet all afternoon/night, let alone complete vigorous locker room cleaning–I had to call in sick to work!  Which also rarely happens.  Maybe I had a vaccine reaction?  Because I’m so new, I don’t have any sick time accrued, but my boss let me “trade.”  So I have to make up 8 hours sometime.  Being a worrier, I want to get that done sooner, rather then later, so I’m working tonight.  I already have to go for a child abuse prevention training, so I figure I might as well.  Besides, there’s never a better time then after an exam and before we get new material.  Those are my free-est, most stress-free times.  But it does mean I will have to be at work (until midnight) 4 days in a row, which as a morning person just might kill me.

If I’m alive I’ll write after the streak is over.

“Myspace Alicia”

13 Oct

I’m going through the 2014 albums while I study to write my end-of-the-year music blogs.  I know!  I haven’t posted 2013’s yet–but I’m still working on it.  Anyway, I got to Imogen Heap, and it reminds me very much of Douche.

the usual

It has been forever since I’ve written about Douche–mostly b/c I hate to think of that creep.  Also, because I finally accepted some people are sociopaths–no matter how well you thought you knew them.  Imogen Heap actually reminds me of Myspace Alicia, some 19 year old girl Douche attached to.  Imogen was this girl’s favorite and I know that because I used to scour her Myspace profile trying to understand.

At the time, I didn’t get that people played games.  I was naive that an older person (Douche) would hook a 19 year old just to show off how “cute” of a gal could be secured.  I didn’t get that Douche was maybe trying to make me–the world–envious.  At the time, I only looked and looked trying to see what the 2 could possibly have in common. . .

I hate Douche-still do, I’ll never stop.  I didn’t deserve that treatment, and didn’t understand where it was coming from at that time.  I had no idea you could be close to someone for 3 years but not know them at all.  I didn’t know there were sociopaths that adapted their personality to what they thought you wanted–did want–in order to manipulate.  And I didn’t know the extent people could play games after a break-up.  BUT knowing Douche did teach me lessons:  Don’t date someone b/c you feel shallow for not being attracted to them, if something seems too good to be true-it probably is, not everyone is going to be honest with you, not everyone has your best interests at heart, some people are just not meant to be understood, sometimes you have to let people (or the memory of who they were supposed to be) go.

I wonder if Myspace Alicia felt the same way in the end that I did–that it was a fake and a trick.  I hope Douche got (and is still getting) all the bad karma that is deserved.  Though I have no idea where that crazy is or what that evil is up to currently–thank goodness…

I like the new album even if it takes me back to that chapter of my life a little.

Procrastinatee

12 Oct

As in:  I feel procrastinatee about several things right now, but maybe it’s tiredness?

-I agreed to transcribe language samples again this semester, yet have only done half of one.  And I keep moving the notification ahead on my calendar to-do list.  I agreed because my favorite professor asked me to.  Also, because I won’t be a student in the winter so I can’t do in then as I had intended.  But it’s harder then I remember, and things keep coming up.

-I would love to get my grad school application off my plate.  To have it finished, get it off the to-do list, and 11perhaps secure the best funding (is that a thing?) but I keep pushing that forward because it needs to be RIGHT.  I have to finish editing the essays and everything before I can get to this and they are not quite where I want them.  Plus, I don’t know for certain if early applications receive any extra deals or funding over the ones turned in on deadline (1-15-15).

-I need to edit and finish my personal statement.  I haven’t finished this up because it was suggested that I re-organize it entirely.  So it feels to me like instead of wrapping it up and just combing it for errors–I’m back in the middle of the writing process.  I want it done as best as possible, but now this stage requires more concentration then my studies and work schedule seemingly allow.

-I’m also procrastinatee about my scholarly paper.  But because I got good editing marks, that I need to read through and employ and I never seem to have a long chunk of time to do the whole thing.  I don’t want to get in the middle somewhere and have to remember which items I’ve corrected and which I still need to do.

superior-frontal viewBasically, it comes down to the fact that neuroanatomy takes a lot of my unscheduled time.  I have to make study materials for it-and study them.  And phonetics, even though I’ve used it a lot, has a billion tests (6 already) that I have to do practice for.  So it seems when I’m not actually scheduled to be somewhere, or doing the class stuff, I’m either sleeping, or too tired to focus enough.

Or Cool is a distraction.  Her moods are always up and down, meds always coming or going, or I just want to take advantage of the good days.  So that takes some concentration and attention away.  It’s a frustrating thing, but I think I’ll be caught in this loop until something gives–school semester (will hopefully be the thing).  I don’t want to jeopardize my grades trying to get this (mostly writing) stuff done.  When the semester is done I’ll really push to finish the writing and submit the application.

My Beloved PJs

7 Oct

We call it “getting in the dress code” at home.  It means removing uncomfortable clothes, anything heavy, jeans/spandex, taking off bras and shoes–just getting cozy.  And it is maybe my favorite thing in the whole world.  Being in the dress code recharges my battery.  Without time at home to veg out, I feel tired and stressed.  Going out can be fun, but it’s also taxing.  I like a good trip, an outing, a festivity, but it’s an absolute must that rest time be built around that–or I’m a mess.

post surgery

As such, I hate days where I’m scheduled to be in multiple places, have to run from obligation to obligation, or those that keep me away from home for too long.  It wears me out.  And those kinds of days require planning.  You have to carry the right clothes and supplies with you, fix portable snacks, plan water so you’ll be near a bathroom when you need it.  It’s a real pain.

Today was like that.  I agreed to tutor again, had a test in class, then had to rush to meet a work friend for a bike ride.  Those events alone would have been enough, but strung together, I was really bummed out.  I wore my workout clothes, though I felt a little self-conscious at school.  I ate a big breakfast and remembered to bring along my thermos of water.  I packed my bike, my coat, my school things, wallet, sports arm wallet, etc, etc. . .  It was busy.

The tutoring went a little better–I took more control of the situation.  I moved us to the place I liked, asked my tutee the way they studied, took tests, etc, taking the focus off myself, and having to prove my worth as a tutor.  Instead of sharing answers or potential test questions, as my subject kept pressing for, I doled out study advice and test-taking tips.  My tutee–a brazen thing–tried to get me to give my old class notes over and “lend”  all my flashcards.  In my head, I was like “No FUCKING way are my materials leaving my site you lazy little shit!”  But aloud I suggested it would be studious in itself to formulate your own materials.  And recommended getting notes from an actual classmate–so they will be exactly the same.  I think since I took the reigns and didn’t let my subject run over the top of me again, things went a little better, and were more helpful.

Fall finals 123

My tutoring session was cut in half b/c my person scheduled another meeting in the middle and had to leave.  So I was at school with an hour and a half to kill.  I hate that!  Instead of wasting gas and going home, I just took my flashcards and walked the trail studying them.  It was a beautiful day and hot so that wasn’t the worst.  Except I got sweaty before my test.

*pet-peeve:  I can’t stand when I take the time to answer a personal question, sometimes even in writing–and the person I’m communicating with not only doesn’t remember what I said, doesn’t even remember that they should know the answer when they ask all over again.  It’s all I can do not to say–shoulda paid attention the first time.  Annoying.

I took my test, and had some uncertainties–like usual.  We grade them right after taking them, and while we were doing so I became STARVING!  I broke my string of 100% (3 in a row) by missing 3 vowels.  One was dialectual–“bag” sounds like it has a long a to me, but 2 I probably should have known.  I think the hunger and tiredness was at fault.  My concentration and mental abilities were not in top form that late in the day, and after much running around.  Damn.

After class, I of course was motivated to rush to the Y (one of 3 in town) to meet my friend b/c of my lateness phobia.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to bike or have fun if I didn’t eat though.  So despite having only 15 min to get all the way across town to North Y, I stopped at the crowded grocery store for a box of wheat thins.  Protein would have been better, but I had to grab something (quickly) that I could eat while I drove.  And I know right where those are and like them.  Plus, I was in a hurry.  I got there 8 min late–traffic was crap.  And I didn’t see him.  Maybe I was the early one because of traffic?  So I texted the number from the work phone tree 2-3 times, but heard nothing back.  Maybe he was driving and couldn’t text?  I struggled to unload my bike and jumped on it.  The tires felt drastically low–I guess I should have checked that before packing my bike.  Luckily, the bike came with a portable air pump when I bought it at the bike-swap so I went to work on them.  They still felt low, but maybe were better(?) when I jumped back on.  I guessed I could manage a short ride at least.  Except my friend still wasn’t there.  I have no watch and Rusty doesn’t have a clock, so I’m dependant on my FitBit.  Which happened to be on my foot to count my pedals, so it wasn’t that easy to fuss over time.  I just hung out–where usually I’d agonize over every minute ticking by.

Maybe I had an old or wrong phone number and he was somewhere in the parking lot waiting for me?  I rode my bike around looking for his truck.  I still didn’t see him.  Traffic had been pretty ugly and he lives near me, so he also had to go a long way in it, he was probably just caught up.  I looked at the surrounding trail, and figured I’d bike a little ways out, and just come back when he called or after awhile to check.  The trail was dirt and rocky and rugged.  I didn’t want an actual flat, and it felt very perilous like I could fall off at any time due to the slick sand, rocks, grooves, and sudden curves.  This was not the kind of ride I’d had in mind!  I walked my bike back up to the parking lot.

If I wasn’t going to ride while I waited I figured I had might as well study.  As I was sitting in my (hot) car, looking over my notes–it occurred to me maybe we were supposed to meet at the Valley Y, not North that I was at.  I wasn’t certain, but something in the very recesses tugged at my mind.  Did I go to the wrong location?  I doubted myself enough to decide I should go home now (at 5:17PM), because my friend was waiting for me at the other Y, wondering why I had stood him up.  Though I’m not positive that’s what happened.

So I never got to meet my friend and ride, nor could I contact him to find out the misunderstanding.  I drove all the way, and wasted all that time for nothing.  I might have had low blood sugar.  I guess just because I don’t have all the signs, doesn’t mean my mind is super-clear.  And now that I’m home I feel really tired and very fatigued, though I have a ton of things to study, and papers to write.

But at least I’m at home in my jammies :-)

ugh.

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