Archive | January, 2010

Love Poem/Potential Song

31 Jan

Will we love despite our past and because we discovered attraction so fast?
Can we always be true to ourselves and break out of our protective shells?

To you, I can never get close enough
With you I promise to never be gruff
Neither of us having to act so tough
Your advances I will not need to rebuff

You are fun even when mundane, you and I are different but exactly the same.
I never want to leave your eyes, never wanna make you cry.

Hearts full despite being damaged and bruised
Knowing with each other war tactics will never be used
The nagging doubts in our heads forever removed
We realize together our souls are fused

I always want to kiss you, always wanna be in bliss with you.
Your touch gives me nice chills, and your lovin’ gives me ultimate thrills.

I love that we are on the same side
Now that I’m on, I never want to leave this ride
You have my heart open wide
There’s no one else, my affections are occupied

Spending forever with you, never doubting your love is true
We can trust each other, know that eternally I am your leading lover

Disingenuine (A poem/song) [posted 7-23-07]

17 Jan

I was inspired to write a poem about the “Fake People” as TLC would say. It’s not about one specific person. There are far too many fake bitches to write about just one-ha ha. This is more of a creative exercise than an attack on anyone. This would be better as a song, I think. As a matter of fact, think of this forward as a transition at a concert. Here is the explanation to my next song-yay! If only I had access to (or ability to play) the piano or guitar. Hold on–I do have access to (and ability to play) the flute. I won’t be held back! It will be a variation on “Ellie Come Home.” By the way, since I’m beginning my career as a faux-writer, are band names supposed to go in quotations? Gotta learn the basics, you know. Just read this while humming to get the true effect I’m trying to convey. Any song will do. Get ready for a new sound, people 😉

One more thing:  Spacing on blogs sucks.  Everytime there is an enter, it creates a double space.  I had this written as poetry, you know, the whole 4 lines to a stanza (there’s some writing knowledge for ya–stanza) business.  To compensate, I made each stanza a different color.  Read on, that’s all you need to know.

Disingenuine

Is there anyone for real?

Show me your true intentions

Tell me how you really feel

Don’t keep me in suspension. . .

Don’t waste my time

Putting on a show

Being angry is fine

I just want to know

Stop blaming me, don’t throw a fit

I won’t play your game

We both know you’re a hypocrite

I think your act is lame. . .

I see to the real you

I know who you actually are

Your actions are hardly true

Funny thing–it gets you far!

Continue how you act

Immature, ugly, and cold

Just know I know the fact

This façade of yours won’t hold

Your insides are not so pretty

As you lead others to believe

Your personality is shitty

I want you to go away–LEAVE!

It may take awhile

But people will get smart

And catch on to your guile

Look straight to your black heart

Until then though

Just get out of my life

You are my foe

I’m tired of all the strife

Just go!

Jaycee Lee Dugard [posted 9-2-09]

17 Jan

Here is a half-poem/half list of my feelings on the Jaycee Lee Dugard story:


Infuriated with the case of Jaycee Lee Dugard.  Mostly because it never should have happened.

.. ..

Saddened that Phillip Garrido’s first wife didn’t press charges for battery or for the time when he tried to gouge her eyes out with a safety pin.

.. ..

Horrified he kidnapped a woman, dragged her across the California-Nevada state line and repeatedly raped her in his “sex palace.”

.. ..

Terrified that Phillip was calm and collected when a Reno police officer stumbled upon his rapist’s lair.  He told the officer she was his girlfriend, as she screamed for help in terror.

.. ..

Exasperated the judge in the Callaway-Hall kidnap/rape case ruled to exclude the first attempted kidnapping, meaning Garrido was not on the books as a repeat offender.


Astonished that “Crazy Phil” only did 11 years of a 50 year sentence when he did such a violent crime, and had prior offenses.

.. ..

Angered that Nancy, (obviously disturbed) married Garrido while he was in a Kansas prison.

.. ..

Incredulous that Garrido was transferred, mid-sentence, from a maximum security facility in Kansas to Carson City, where they so obviously dropped the ball.

.. ..

Astounded that Carson City not only released Garrido on his 4th parole attempt, but they let him leave the state and go live with his mother in California.

.. ..

Furious staying away from children was not a term of Garrido’s parole, because the woman he raped for 5 hours straight was 25 at the time.

Pissed that Garrido drugged and raped a 14 year old (4 years prior to Jaycee), and was released because she didn’t testify against him.

.. ..

Disturbed that an 11 year old Jaycee Lee Dugard was grabbed (by a woman) from her bus stop, in the sight of her father.

.. ..

Alarmed that the Garridos swiped a child in plain daylight, then were able to just drive home in the same car without lawful intervention.

.. ..

Amazed that with the palpable fear in Lake Tahoe, neighbors who saw Jaycee Lee didn’t recognize her as a missing child.

.. ..

Startled that neighbors or law enforcement had no idea of the “secret backyard,” when it was visible on google maps.

.. ..

Disheartened that nearby residents left well enough alone, and learned to live with tents and sheds, weird noises, and children in the backyard of a known sexual predator.

.. ..

Shocked that Garrido masturbated while looking at children in parks, schools, restaurants, and drive-ins.

.. ..

Stunned Garrido’s mother and his wife stood by while Phil harbored and raped a child.

.. ..

Flabbergasted that a parole officer checks a sex offender with a sketchy, kidnapper’s past, but does not walk through the entire house and yard on every visit.

.. ..

Staggered that Nancy Garrido still kept Jaycee Lee captive when her husband was thrown back in prison for a parole violation.

.. ..

Infuriated that a person could get a 50 year sentence, be released on parole after only 11 years, BREAK the terms of that parole, then be re-released in a matter of months.

.. ..

Dismayed to think about the emotional, and physical damage that must have occurred when Phil made Jaycee Lee pregnant at 14 years old, then made her give birth in a filthy tent–twice.

.. ..

Troubled that when children and prostitutes were disappearing near a known sex offender’s home and work, nobody thought to connect the dots and investigate.

.. ..

Affronted by the fact Jaycee Lee Dugard worked for Garrido’s printing business, met with clients, spoke with them on the phone, and wrote e-mails, yet no one recognized her as anyone but “Alyssa.”

.. ..

Disappointed the system lost track of Garrido’s sex offender status when someone DID call the police on Phil.

.. ..

Upset that people thought “Crazy Phil’s” crazy behavior and religious ranting were harmless.

.. ..

Confused at how Garrido (a registered sex offender, who wore a GPS monitor) was able to parade 2 young girls around town, and even take them to a birthday party, and no one sensed anything out of the ordinary.

.. ..

Wonders if anyone in Antioch reads the news when I hear stories of Jaycee going to the store or a college campus with Garrido.  Especially when her kidnapping was all over the news in Nevada, a whole state away.

.. ..

Anxious to think “Crazy Phil” was only caught because he wanted to be.  Why else would he bring a kidnapped girl and two children of rape to a college campus and a parole meeting?

.. ..

Revolted at the audacity it takes to not only plead innocent to 18 years of crimes, but to call the story “heartwarming.”

.. ..

Annoyed when I hear the media call Nancy Garrido the “true” monster because she allowed this to happen.

.. ..

Upset some members of the media are blaming the victim for not escaping or trying to reach out in some way.

.. ..

Tired of hearing psychiatrists and media diagnose Dugard with Stockholm Syndrome, despite never meeting her.

Hungry for more facts about the case and all the people involved.

.. ..

Disgusted that informants are now requesting the media pay for any information.

.. ..

Eager to see what Jaycee Lee Dugard looks like today, after having grown up seeing her missing posters.

.. ..

Excited to hear what Jaycee Lee Dugard has to say about the entire situation.

.. ..

Suspenseful to find out if the Garridos will get the maximum sentence and really suffer for what they did.

.. ..

Hopeful that Jaycee Lee Dugard and her two (unfortunately named) children, Angel and Starlight can fully recover from their ordeal.

 

Traumatized [posted 9-1-09]

17 Jan

I’m not certain why I feel so invested in the Jaycee Lee Dugard case.  Maybe the event traumatized me in my childhood.  Maybe it’s because it could have easily been me.  Maybe I feel so strongly, because it was the first really terrible thing I knew about–it was the end of my innocence.

.. ..

I remember when Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped.  She was 11 and I was 6.  I identified with the girl:  We were both blond, both petite girls who were in elementary school, both had slightly big front teeth, both of us loved cats, both had a sprinkling of freckles, both of us had unusual names.  When she was taken, Jaycee Lee was wearing an outfit I regularly wore—pink stretch pants and a pink shirt.  She was snatched from Tahoe—I went to Tahoe with my family often.  The face on that poster haunted me.  It was familiar, and reminded me of what could happen—how vulnerable I really was.  She was taken while her father watched—how could I possibly feel safe again?  I felt as if she was just a little more unlucky than me—that time.  I suppose everyone felt this way.  Most little girls fit that description, no little girl thinks she will be taken away from everything.

.. ..

I also remember the resulting panic in the community.  The event was splashed all over the news, everyone was talking about it, parents in the area went into protective mode.  Fear was palpable.  There were pink ribbons and “missing” posters, featuring that little girl, on every doorway, window, and bulletin board in Lake Tahoe.  I don’t think there is a single person from Northern Nevada or the nearby California area (1991 to 1995, especially) that wouldn’t recognize Jaycee’s smiling face.  For years afterward, Tahoe looked for any sign of Jaycee Lee.  Every young girl (and her parents) worried SHE could be next.

.. ..

Things changed when Jaycee Lee Dugard disappeared.  The area was no longer a rural area free from sickos and predators.  Fun at the lake or on the slopes was no longer as carefree as it had been.  Kids were no longer safe to go anywhere (even the bus stop) alone.  They weren’t even particularly safe if their parents were watching.  I had to constantly hold someone’s hand when we visited Tahoe or Reno.  New reports gave suggestions on kidnap avoidance, stranger danger.

.. ..

I ALWAYS wondered what happened to Jaycee Lee Dugard.  The case was close to my heart, and also piqued my curiosity.  When I found out some answers, I was relieved.  Not especially relieved she was alive (because maybe death would have been a blessed end to her suffering) but relieved to KNOW.  Now, I’m troubled at the circumstances that led to her miserable 18 years of captivity.  That’s the next blog though.

I take that back [posted 8-3-09]

17 Jan

that last blog stating I had a co-signer for my vet school loan, that is.

FUCK!!!!

If you think it’s obnoxious how my blog content has wavered back and fourth, imagine my life.  One hour, everything is going to work out, the next, it’s no veterinary school at all.  The main reason is tht the school is faltering.  They will not give any facts–defiantly not in a timely manner!  They have the audacity to treat me like a nuisance when I ask what the scene is.  This loan situation and the remedy’s for it seem to fluctuate by the minute.  My nerves are at breaking-point.  It is exhausting not knowing what even next week holds for me.  While I absolutely do not want to forgo veterinary school, especially when it is so close to being a realized dream, I can’t stand this dithering for much longer.

My newest dilemma is that the other incoming student got scared and backed out of our concurrent co-signing agreement/scheme.  She will be deferring to the next semester–which leaves me at square one:  No co-signer, no loan=no vet school.

The paradox is JUST when I was starting to relax and be excited, the dream was yanked away from me again.  The parents still won’t co-sign.  It’s quite the contradiction:  I don’t need anyone with good credit–as a matter of fact it’s preferable I get someone with nothing to lose to co-sign my loan application.  The goal here is to be denied the Sallie Mae loan so I can apply for the in school loan being offered.

I don’t know what to do, there is much ambiguity about my next step and I am quickly running out of time.

Why, why, why???!!!!!!!!

False Alarm [posted 8-2-09]

17 Jan

At least, I think.

I’m still not eligible to get the Sallie Mae loan without a co-signer.  I still have no viable co-signer.  BUT the school is now offering a loan to students who are rejected for the Sallie Mae loan with a co-signer.  This loan will cover tution and housing, which is all I need since I have been working my ass off for the last year, fundraising, and proving my nonconformity and outside-the-box thinking by selling my body parts.  Of course, I am very circumspect about what the school will actually follow through with.  They have been less than helpful during this loan crises, so my prudence is warranted.

I have worked out a deal with one of the other mavrick incoming students who also couldn’t get a co-signer.  We will co-sign each other’s Sallie Mae loan knowing we will both be denied.  Upon rejection, we are both eligable for the school’s loaan-yay!  Are idea is revolutionary–how could it go wrong!  We are both in the same loan boat, and don’t want to miss the boat to the island, so we are cautiously going ahead with the only plan we have.  And neither one of us is a risk for losing anything, given we are each other’s collateral.

I still think the school sucks for putting me through that stress the last 2 weeks.  They were not heedful of this terrible situation in time, and as a consequence it is my butt on the line!  It has made me very iconoclast especially towards foreign private schools, airlines, and a financial “counselors” a.k.a. hacks who do nothing.  I would be wary to ever apply to a foreign school again, especially if it is non-accredited, and for-profit.  There is no excuse to run a business so haphazardly!  I am also fairly solicitousness in how much trust I place in my parents.  When stress gets high, they are known to retract their support (monetary or otherwise) and protect themselves, beyond reason.  I won’t soon forget their lack of sensitivity during such a trying time.  I’ll probably never really trust them again. . .  And I know, I’ll NEVER, NEVER fly on American Airlines again.  I should have been more mindful of how willing they are to rip people off before I purchased advanced tickets.  I swear, I will remember this whole episode and be vigilant about avoiding those that have wronged me!

At the same time, this is my one guaranteed path to vet school and I’m sure going to take it if I can.  I will remain alert about any and all funding options, and just hope and pray that things will work out.  So cross your fingers that my rebel scheme will work out and I can go to the island next Saturday!

So Close. . . [posted 7-28-09]

17 Jan

And yet so far away.  As you know I was finally accepted to veterinary school.  I was all set to fly to the Caribbean on August 8. I had been planning for this move to a foreign country for the last year.  I had 3 international flights paid for.  I had packed all my belongings in boxes, paid a year of storage, quit my job, and moved halfway across the country (with my cats) to my parents’ house.

You can see where this is going.  Yesterday, I found I cannot attend vet school.  Yet another refutation to my big dream!  The school waited until last week to tell us about our only loan option.  Nothing could appease my anger at their mismanagement and lackadaisical attitude over this huge problem of financing an education.  I would like to share polemic against this whole situation with everyone who will listen:  Despite my 720 credit, I was denied any loan without a co-signer.

My parents REFUSE to sign.  As you may expect not much could pacify my hostility over this apathy on their part.  Relatives and family friends, not only don’t have a responsibility for my well-being, they have poor credit, other obligations or dependents, or fears of losing their house in this economy.  Towards former employers and family friends, I have noantipathy.  Mostly I’m humiliated at having to present the argument they should co-sign my loan in the first place. . .  Extended family, especially those well-to-do have earned a little of my contempt, but I’m certain it will be mollified when this episode becomes a bad memory.  Anyway, without a loan, I can’t make the required $50,000 for a year of tuition, housing, books, island amenities, etc. . .

I have failed at my dream of becoming a veterinarian—again.  I’m starting to wonder if the universe is against me.  Everything had been going so well, my 26th birthday was going to be a new start.  Now, I’m devastated, lost, back at square one.  This hurts so much that I don’t think the pain will ever be assuaged.  To make matters worse, my mom kicked me out of their house by August 24.  She has to put her craft materials in my old bedroom, you know.  MUCH more important than letting me get back on my feet!  I may remain on speaking terms with her this time, but my reticence isn’t pacified.  This (unearned)denunciation is one of many, and a person has to draw the line somewhere.

Now I’m in controversy.  I have no home, no job, no career, and I’m not sure where to go from here.  I just know I need to conciliate the anger and pain (for the short-term) and do whatever I’m going to do quickly!

 

Missouri Loves Company [posted 4-22-09]

17 Jan

Far, far away from my parents, and the independence that affords me

Going out in public without being recognized. . .  And judged-gerr

Living in a progressive, college town

My awesome job/salary/benefits at Noah’s Ark (minus the 5 people I do not like)

Work a short 2 minute drive from my apartment

Lack of wind!

Festivals:  Pumpkin-Fest, Anchor-Fest, Wurst-Fest, Pride-Fest, Earth Day, German-Fest

Relatively inexpensive gasoline—cheapest in the nation

Auto shops within walking distance of my apartment and work

Humidity, and the full hair it gives me

Seasons (especially fall)

Swimming pool at my apartment—or in the town, for that matter

Trails (complete with shade and mile-markers) for walking, biking, and running

The Central time zone (I wake up at 4:45 AM and go to bed at 8 PM now)

Small temp differential between day and night—NV gets COLD after dark

Naturally growing grass and trees everywhere you look

Wineries-yay!

Restaurants and bars- Murrays (and their beautiful carafes of house red), Shakespeare’s Pizza,

Coldstone, Tropical Liquors, Sub Shop, Saki (2004-2006), BD’s Mongolian Grill, Flatbranch, Chipotle, Buffalo Wild Wings, Bangkok’s Garden, Teller’s, Addison’s, Penera, Aritisan (2004-2007), Sycamore, Harpo’s, Kobe, Bread Basket, McNally’s

CoMo Homo Showmos (2004-2006)

Downtown nearby

No need to put on lotion

Community recreation

Rain storms (though not when I have to be out IN them)

can you blame me for being FRUSTRATED?!!! [posted 3-22-09]

17 Jan

I tried to tell myself not to be bitter.  What do I care if other (shit-heads)
succeed?  Things ended up working out for
the best—even better than my original plan.
It still angers me that Mizzou accepts a deplorable caliber of people
these days.

Don’t get me wrong—I think the school is stellar (or used to
be, anyway).  Every veterinarian I have
worked for has graduated from the school, and couldn’t be doing better.  They are smart, talented, and caring—excellent
examples of the profession.  I look up to
the people I worked for (maybe not in their personal lives)
professionally.  Lately though, Mizzou is
letting. . .  Just unsatisfactory people
in!  I would like to talk to the crazies
on the admissions committee, because they are obviously clueless.

I started to question them when “Katrina” entered into a
class, when she didn’t have as much animal experience as me.  I felt we were equal candidates, except she
was a year ahead of me in school and had already obtained her degree.  I felt I gave up my own spot in that class by
getting her a job at a veterinary hospital.
She didn’t really work before that, and I kicked myself for giving her
that advantage.  She was my friend
though, and had fantastic grades, so I was happy for her.

When they let in one of the M’s (unaccountable M) from my
work, I thought the school was crazy.
This M did nothing but attend college, until her Senior year.  A really late start for pre-vet
students.  She hadn’t even done any clubs
or sports in high school, probably because she is so flaky she is unable to
stick with anything.  THEN, she joined a
lot of clubs, and took on 2 jobs in that last year just so she could write in
on the application.  She did not put much
time into any of these endeavors, and she half-assed everything she did.  As a matter of fact, she worked 6 hours a
week at one job so she could keep her housing, and worked only weekends at Noah’s
Ark—though we were short-staffed and could have used her waaay more.  Also, I say worked, but really mean chatted
with everyone while other people finished the tasks needing to be
accomplished.  I forgot to mention she
FAILED her freshmen college classes because she was too wild.  The vet school still let her in, while
denying me.

The latest undeserving person, (that prompted me to write
this blog) also worked with me.  I use
the term work, loosely.  This girl was
late almost every weekend—not just 10 minutes, we’re talking HOURS.  She literally left work to go get lunch one
Saturday and got high–on work time!  AND
she came back to work (high) and sat there stoned.  Luckily (or un-luckily, depending on how you
think about it), my employers are naive and didn’t notice.  Just the kind of person you want making life
and death decisions for your animals, huh?
During that time, she would also take random pills with alcohol on
weekends (or whenever).  Once she was so
messed up that she was wandering the streets, had to be carried to an
apartment, than peed her pants!  This
girl ended up quitting her job “because she didn’t want to wake up early in the
morning.”  She never actually told her
employers either—she quit through a phone call with a co-worker.   At school, she failed her first 2 years of
college and dropped physics and chemistry cause she missed so many labs.  She had to re-take science in the summer, and
(get this) her mom came to lecture with her—to make sure she made it to class!  This girl just got accepted into MU’s 2013
veterinary class.  What the FUCK??!

After letting these losers in, the school wonders why they
have such a high rate of transfers, failures, and drop-outs.  Let’s see, 9 people in the 2010 class and 11
in the 2012 class!  When you only have a
class size of 80 to begin with, that’s a huge deal.  It also means some person that wasn’t accepted
to the school (me) got gypped.  Some
retard that left those classes took my spot (I was on the alternate-list) and
wasted it.  But really–what does the
school think is going to happen when they let these people in their
school?!  It shouldn’t upset me, cause
hello, the veterinary school I’m going to is in a WAY better climate than the Midwest,
but c’mon—is this for REAL?!

Peeping Thong [posted 3-1-09]

17 Jan

You know how Earl has a karma list?  I think I’m going to compile a pet-peeve list featuring my aphorisms.  Sometimes I would just like to curse at people to infuse some sense into them.  Irritation #268:  Scrubs are supposed to be loose as a rule!  Your ass has poked my eye out and it makes me want to shower you with imprecations.

It is the same old story–my apothegm:  People buy their clothes too small.  I am not sure which enervates me more, looking at it, or ranting about it.  It is not optimal to buy the smallest size you can slither into, I cannot share this axiom enough.  No one knows what size you are wearing, and God knows they make scrubs in huge sizes!  You are supposed to be able to move in scrubs.  Boys, this maxim is for you too–maybe even more so than for the ladies.  I don’t wanna see that, as my postulate alludes to.

I would venture to postulate you are not clubbin’ or at the beach—buy scrubs that fit you properly!!!  I do not know why this is such a common thing, but it saps my energy to see it and almost debilitates me to have to bring it up again and again.  The self-evident truth is that scrubs are not meant to hug your curves, and I certainly should never see your thong in them!  Let’s not even talk about crack *shudder*  This premise holds true especially if you are a doctor [that’s who this post is about, P.S.]!  It is in these instances I am most put-out and enfeebled–these types got into veterinary school over me!  When I see idiots that made it in my dream career over me, I have so much anathema towards them.  Be a professional—not a damn slut.

And if you are so pathetic that you feel good when some dirty old man oogles you, you need to get a damn life.  You bring malediction to all women with an attitude (and low self-esteem) such as that.  A dude would look at a toothless crack-whore if she was showing her ass. . .  If I can tell you what color thong you’ve worn for the last week, your scrubs are too tight.  C’mon people, is it THAT hard?!