More Song Lyrics + Vocab [neither invented by me]

31 Dec

Gotta make that move and find someone who appreciates all the love I gave. . .   Gotta do what’s best for me, baby and that means I gotta shake you off. . .  You’re gonna miss me baby, hate to say I told you so. . .  You’ll never ever find a girl who loves you more than me. . .  I’ve gotta get this off my mind. . .  You wasn’t worth my time, so leavin’ you behind, cause I need a real love in my life. . .  Baby I’m gone

My mom, especially demanded that I was deferential to her rules, opinions, and ways of living.

I was never, never overly submissive, but I showed the utmost respect for authority figures, never questioning them.

I was amazed at my first job how everyone was impressed by my work ethic and servile attitude–it was just second nature because of my parents.

I was eager to please my new employer and just happy I was “allowed” to work in a vet hospital.

Mary got off on my subservience, and liked me because I admired her, and did everything she asked without question.

When I came back from Missouri, I was no less compliant, but I did question certain attitudes and ethics, which I hadn’t done prior to that time.

Once I no longer regarded Mary as a hero, my lack of obsequious admiration distanced me from my former mentor.

It’s like you’re a drug, it’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down, it’s like I’m stuck, it’s like I’m runnin’ from you all the time. . .   I’m addicted to you.  In my thoughts, in my dreams, you’re taking over me.  It’s like I’m lost, it’s like I’m giving up slowly.  It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me–leave me alone.

From the time I met Kim and Mary, I wanted to gain their approval and praise.

In high school, my adulation towards the authority figures at work was no secret.

At the same time, they loved all the acclaim I gathered at school academically, athletically, and as a leader in the school and community.

Mary, especially loved my accomplishments and extolled my abilities over my personal attributes.

After leaving my small home town, the kudos dwindled substantially, not because I was a worse person, but because I was in a larger environment.

When the constant approbation ended, I felt Mary thought just a little less of me.

I felt staying in school, keeping up in classes, then getting a job deserved a little applause, but was paranoid people were disappointed that I was no longer bringing home all kinds of awards.

How Mary felt about my commendations (or lack thereof) and whether or not it would impact both our professional and personal relationship was always constantly on my mind.

After the whole Cabin-Mansion scene, I just KNEW Mary was not only not exalting the good things I did, but calling me a loser to everyone she (and I) knew.

I knew the entire town would never hail me with praise again if I were on Mary’s bad-side–even though the things she is probably saying are not true.

I can only blame myself, you can only blame me. . .  You put me on a line, hung me out to dry. . .  You cut me down to size, and opened up my eyes, made me realize, what I could not see.  And I could write a book, the one they say that shook, the world . . .  And I could write it down, spread it all around. . .  With nothing left to give, forget, but not forgive. . .

Mary seemed to take pleasure in continuing her animosity towards me.

Her total abhorrence of me was evident every time she looked at me–or didn’t.

Mary’s absolute glee was displayed when she was hostile and told me she was no longer my mentor.

I had seen Mary display repellance many others (Shawn Minor, my mom, her “God-Sister”) but never towards me, so it hurt especially bad.

Her hatred of me became evident at work, when she was either ignoring me entirely or nit-picking everything I did.

Mary showed her extreme dislike of me when she had parties in the yard (that I lived in) and pointedly didn’t invite me to them.

It wasn’t until Mary’s loathing caused her to call my mom and say I was a sloppy drunk that I realized I might have a drinking problem.

I didn’t know what to think about my own drinking, because I realized Mary’s revulsion of me influenced her opinions of my drinking habits.

Mostly, I think what Mary had the most enmity for, was that I knew too much about her (sketchy) personal life and I was too close to her inner circle, house, and work–I was in a good position to destroy her if I wanted.

Nothing I did could have really changed Mary’s mind about me so completely–her repulsion towards me was reallyrepugnance of her own behaviors.

I could never confront Mary and never did gain any kind of upper-hand, so now it is my turn to show my aversion to Mary (and Kim) by writing the story of what happened.

Antipathy may not make me the bigger person, but I feel like consequences should be suffered by those people who scarred me.

I write about my animus for those who have wronged me, to get it out and forget about it.

If ever your world starts crashing down. . .  that’s where you’ll find me.  God love your soul and your aching bones. . .  We just can’t get it right. . .  Lost til you’re found, swim til you drown, know that we all fall down.  Love til you hate, strong til you break, know that we all fall down.

My applications to University of Missouri’s veterinary school were always ill-fated.

I got very close to acceptance many time, but was just unlucky.

I started feeling jinxed, especially when some of the shit-heads I had worked with got in to vet school over me.

Unfortunately, that is when my parents were going through their own spiritual crises and trying to reconcile the fact I am gay, so they withdrew all emotional and financial support.

My depression only increased as my luckless streak continued in what I hoped would be my refuge–Nevada.

It was my ill-starred fate that when I arrived everything was different:  Mary was going through a mid-life crises, her father died 3 days before I arrived, and Kim was a full-blown alcoholic–and everyone was looking for a scape-goat.

With my hapless existence, no wonder I started drinking too much.

. . .  Can’t imagine what else could go wrong. . .  Yeah I might feel defeated, and I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing, but I’m not dead, no.  Cause tomorrow’s another day, and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain. . .  No I’m not gonna let it get my down, I’m not gonna cry, and I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight. . .

I am a strong person, so even though I felt sad by the ups and downs that took place at the Cabin-Mansion, I was determined to achieve my goals.

As infuriating as Mary’s disdain for me was, it was Kim’s inconsistencies that I took most personally.

There was a variation in everything from the times when I was in high school, and I couldn’t believe it was irreversible.

There was also a vicissitude in me that could not be reconciled–the experience forever hardened me.

The change in me was both good and bad–I learned to depend on myself, to work hard even when the effort goes unappreciated, and to write to excise my pain, but I also became resistant to control, started drinking to combat my depression, and became terribly obsessive and more paranoid.

I suppose it is difficult to image the mutability of every place, and person in your life–nothing stays the same forever and we can’t expect it to.

Now that you are out of my life, I’m so much better, You thought that ‘d be weak without ya, But I’m stronger, You thought I’d be broke without ya, but I’m richer, You thought that I’d be sad without ya–I laugh harder, You thought I wouldn’t grow without ya, Now I’m wiser, You thought that I’d be helpless without ya, Now I’m smarter. . .  I’m a survivor, I’m not gonna give up, I’m not gonna stop, I’m gonna work harder, I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it. . .  Thought that I would fail without ya, but I’m on top. . .  You thought that I would self-destruct, but I’m still here. . .

I am happy to say I’m better off without Mary, Kim, and for that matter, Douche out of my life for good–I have more vitality when these negative influences on my life have been extricated entirely.

I still feel like a loser sometimes, because I haven’t achieved my goals quickly, but proving these characters wrong, just gives me more energy to pursue good things in my life.

Without Mary in my life, I have more force to accomplish things–without knowing it, I was under her restraint.

I’m happy to say, I didn’t implode like my enemies predicted I would–the vim I feel is greater than when they were around me.

Mary, Douche, others have tried to steal my power, and without them I have regained it–I am in charge of me.

I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreamin’, but there’s a voice inside my head, say you’ll never reach it.  Every step I’m taking, every move I’m making, feels lost with no direction.  My faith is shaken, but I gotta keep trying, gotta keep my head held high.  There’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move.  Always gonna bean uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose, ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side–it’s the climb.  The struggles I’m facin’, the chances I’m takin’, sometimes might knock me down, but no I’m not breaking. . .  Just gotta keep goin’, and I, I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on.

I came close, but even at my worst depression, sloppiest drinking, I never lost my sense of self esteem–I know I am beautifulinside.

The Cabin-Mansion threw me for a loop and made me doubt myself and my pretty future, but I know better now.

At that time, there was no prettiness in Mary–she was ugly inside, dark, and horrible based on her actions.

When people are ugly on the inside, it affects their physical appearance in my mind–I automatically feel bad people are lesslovely looking.

Melissa was the most gorgeous girl I had ever known, but when she proved irresponsible, phony, and entitled, I could only notice her physical flaws.

Melissa never had to work for anything in her life because of her comeliness, so I was jealous and disdainful of her.

It sounds trite, but without the journey, the rewards of life achievement and accomplishment of dreams is less handsome of a prospect.

Because I have had to work so hard to become a veterinarian, I will find much more pulchritude in my job, and appreciate it so much more than the people who got there easily.

You take things so much easier than I do, you could live your life without me if you had to. . .  If you ask which one wants to go the distance-I do. . .  I’m gonna rack my mind one last time, until I cannot think.  I’m gonna dip into your memory and take a good stiff drink, and when I’m drunk on the last drop of sadness about how we went wrong, I’m gonna play this song, make some coffee black and strong, give thanks for healing time, finally make up my mind–these are the least tears I’m gonna cry for you, baby my cryin’s through, I’m movin’ on. . .

I know I was in a crises as well, because after college graduation, I started wandering from place to place.

I was looking for comfort in those days, and I remembered Mary and Kim providing it in high school so I became nomadicand left the stability in Missouri for (what I thought) was sympathy in Nevada.

I was still unsettled in Nevada, because the Cabin-Mansion scarred me and made me feel depressed and lost, so I went back to my familiar life in Missouri.

I couldn’t forget about the old Kim and Mary, and longed for things to be reconciled, so I was still unhappy, and left Missouri to go to Nevada to get to vet school, choosing the itinerant life.

When that didn’t work out either, I thought I could find happiness in Seattle, and then Spokane Washington–I was officially avagrant with 3 states and 5 moves in 3 years.


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