Failure is No Fun [5-19-08]

2 Jan

They say mental illness is being faced with the same circumstances, the same decision, repeatedly, and to expect different results.  Maybe I’m stupid or crazy, but when it comes to the prospect of getting into vet school, I’m an eternal optimist.  So I didn’t get in again—there’s no race, right?  So what if I don’t get in until I’m 40 years old—I’m convinced it will happen.  It would have been nice for it to happen sooner, rather than later, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

It hurts me to put this out there, but after the third attempt, I didn’t get into vet school in Missouri.  I suppose it didn’t take prescience to realize it was not going to happen this time:  I left Missouri for a few months, lost a good letter of recommendation, and had mediocre grades.  I feel like you’ll think I’m a failure, like everyone I’ve ever pissed off is laughing right now, and I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t get in to the program after so many attempts.  I wish I could foresee the future and know I haven’t been trying in vain.

It may be ludacris, but I am still not discouraged.  I know veterinary medicine is what I’m meant to do with my life.  The premonition of me with a DVM behind my name had been in my mind since childhood.  I know I’m a great candidate to be a veterinarian.  It sounds arrogant, but I have more animal experience, drive, and heart than anyone I know.  Unfortunately, I don’t have a 4.0, which is what they are looking for these days.  Still, how can you fail at your calling?  I don’t pretend to be divinatory, but why would God give me this drive to achieve this goal, but not the ability to ever get there???  As unhappy I am that things haven’t worked out as planned, I can’t help but trust my oracular notion that I will still get in to vet school some where, some time.

Now, however, I’m sort of flailing.  This stasis is not easy to get out of either.  I’m not sure what route to take.  I know I want to establish a state of balance and equilibrium in my life–after the instability of this last year.  Do I use my Millennium and get a biology degree inNevada?  Do I get a masters in Biology, and if so, in which state,Nevada or Missouri (the 2 places I can afford because of my in-state residency) and when should I do it?  Do I apply to vet schools in the Caribbean, and if so do I go ASAP or wait until some bills are paid and go later?  Would moving at all garner the inertia I am seeking or is that the opposite of the emotional standstill I am looking for?  I feel like I have all these decisions to make, and none of them is optimal.  Again, augural assistance would be most-helpful in making these difficult and life-altering decisions.

All of this failure also makes me second guess pervious choices in my life.  Did I obstruct my entry into vet school by making the wrong decision somewhere along the line?  Maybe if I had gone to another state instead of Missouri, I would have been accepted into a veterinary program, rather than barricaded out of every class I applied to.  What would have happened if I hadn’t have gone toNevada last semester–that must have occluded my chances substantially, as Missouri then saw me as a flight risk.  And I certainly would not have had so much trouble with Mary, her retraction of recommendation must have at least (and probably more than that too) subliminally closed some doors that had been previously open to me.  Now, I wish I would have never gone back to Nevada, Dayton, or the Cabin-Mansion.  I suppose that’s a counter-productive line of thought, but I can’t help but to address these issues. . .

So that’s where I’m at—not entirely surprised that I fell short again this year, but still slightly disappointed that I can’t achieve my dream as easily as I would prefer.

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