Archive | March, 2011

My Best

31 Mar


The NASCAR race with my dad.

Momentous Occasion:

Dawn’s wedding


getting voted DIS Student Body Prez


Going to San Fran in 1993 with Dad’s cousin.


KC LGBT w/Sarah


Thanksgiving at Steve Simmons’


18th–sleepover w/friends; BBQ

Year in School:

Elementary-4th grade

Intermediate-8th grade

H.S.-Jr. Year

Physical Appearance:

My 26th birthday.


Sea-doo w/Crystal

Water Skiing w/Uncle Rick

Float trips in MO


my 27th birthday dinner at Elemental in Seattle.

Social Year:

age 23

No More Marriage–Outside of Church

29 Mar

Brace yourself:  I am about to opine an unpopular point of view–even if it causes a revolution (which I can only hope it does).  I have always been iconoclast in sharing my opinions, and am not afraid to come under scrutiny here.  My nonconformist belief is directed at the entire idea of marriage–it makes me so mad!  I take great umbrage at the fact we are conditioned from the time we are nascent, to want our wedding, marry a prince, and live happily ever after (only after said marriage).  I resent the fact patriarchal institutions have such a strong-hold over our dreams.  As a second part of this indoctrination, we are told from an incipient age that we should not have sex until after this big day.  These inculcations are so completely ingrained that we believe that we are not whole until after marrying our opposite sex counterpart.  How disgusting (for women, especially) that we feel incomplete until we coalesce (with a man)?

Weddings are a huge money-maker.  Attach the word and it’s an automatic 60% added to the price tag.  Prodigal spending on the brides side is mandatory.  Never mind the dress can never be worn again, the food is perishable and eaten quickly, and the flowers will die within the week–these items come at a premium price!  And they are essential to the bride’s overall life-long happiness.  Weddings are like Valentine’s Day on steroids.  They are an antiquated tradition meant to induce profligate spending.  Women are taught that this is their “special day,” the most important day of their entire lives.  The expectation is they must pay, pay, pay for everything to be perfect.  Weddings are good for patriarchy, because they generate capitalism (and for many other reasons–don’t EVEN get me started on the ownership of women), which is just wonderful for supporting the establishment.

This revolt of mine has not always been in place.  I, like most other girls, longed for my big wedding day, and even contemplated colors and stuff.  I have just recently begun to think I do not agree with the concept of marriage at all.  Don’t blame my parents–they have been happily married for 25+ years, so I am hardly a bitter product of divorce.  I find it incredibly estimable that they love each other and are able to work through life’s struggles together.  I think it’s admirable when couples are able to HAPPILY stay together.  That is an increasingly rarefied example.  I am not cynical towards marriage because it has been proven not to work, time and time again.  With deference to those who beat the odds, I must acknowledge the statistics of the poor success rate of marriage, because they say a lot.  The fact marriage in practice is only a remnant of what it is supposed to be, should take the wind out of the proponents’ sails.  Marriage as a traditional, holy, sacrosanct institution is deeply flawed.  Quick-E-Marriages *cough* Nevada *cough* adultery, domestic abuse, polygamy, swinging, etc. . .  Has tarnished that image, leaving only a vestige of the original intent and sentiment.  However, the 50% plus divorce rate, and many, many examples of real-life failing coupes (lots and lots for the record) I have encountered don’t even factor into my argument.

I don’t withhold the obligatory panegyric to all that is marriage, because it is a religious notion with supposedly unbiased America backing it up financially.  Married couples have every reason to have an effective partnership–they are given tax privilege, joint insurance, child-raising benefits, ownership and inheritance rights, the list goes on and on (1400 state and federal advantages in all).  Check out for a more comprehensive list.  I want the state to abolish benefits and funding for all existing marriages.  This double standard is obviously biased and an axiomof hatred.  That is really the unfair aspect of recognized marriages.  Let people go to their church as man and women, have the big ceremony as a religious experience, and then leave it at that.  Church (and only church) recognizes marriages.  There, no moral conflicts with the gays, but also no unfair advantages!

As for “the gays”:  I am not picketing for the gays to have the right to marry, or the diluted “domestic partnership,” or “civil union.” I find those two concepts a matter of politicking and think these titles are just another way of shrewdly furthering the reach of patriarchy by diplomatically offering a counter-offer to quell those questioning the entrenched prejudice that is marriage.  I absolutely scoff at our conservative, religious leaders exploiting gays and lesbians further by offering this “compromise” we are expected to be happy with. I question those gullible enough to believe they are winning some battle when they are (ephemerally) granted the right to civil unions or domestic partnerships in certain states–as if it’s the same concept as marriage.

And speaking of marriage, protecting families, and gays, what about sexual education?  Those who preach abstinence-only sexual education–what about the homos?  Let me get this straight (pun intended):  It is inappropriate to have any kind of sexual relations out of wedlock, BUT same sex couples are denied the right to marry.  So I am supposed to reach adolescence, young adulthood, middle-age, and finally death and never have sex???  In arrogating my right to marry, the religious right has also appropriated my right to have any type of sex in my lifetime?!  Let me repeat this crazy statement so you, my reader, can feel the full impact of it:  Gays and lesbians are never allowed to have sex in their entire lives.  What a neat little package for the world!  They would never have to be shocked and appalled and think of two men engaging in “unseemly” activity.  Wouldn’t that fix everything?!

It’s not just the religious right–though it IS fun to blame everything narrow-minded on them!  The institution of church is fairly dogmatic in their theories about marriage.  And yes, they have a vested interest in supporting all things patriarchal:  Generating money in the form of officiating fees from passionate newlyweds to build bigger and better churches, supporting the traditional family to keep “unruly” minorities marginalized, and delving into the world of politics to dictatorially mandate the entire country to adhere to their views.  No, it’s not just religion to blame for the fact the ideal of marriage is advocated and defended so rigidly.  The media panders to the notion of weddings and its resultant couples too.  Movies such as “Father of the Bride” enforce society’s views on the matter of marriage, by showing just what is acceptable.  Shows like, “Bridezillas,” “My Fair Wedding,” not to mention the entire network devoted to newlyweds further proves how important everyone’s adherence to this inflexible doctrine is.  And don’t forget the results of this couple-hood–TV/movies/media in general hardly shows anything other than the traditional husband/wife model!  Even if a person could manage not to catch any of the afore-mentioned programs by accident–they would have to try pretty hard to miss the commercials, billboards, magazine ads, and internet spam about weddings and about “normal” married couples.

The fact I dare to ask why marriage is a tradition upheld with so much vehemence will create an insurrection.  People will accuse me of cynicism, or worse–hating love!  Going against the norm of this (outdated, flawed) concept is rebellion.  I think I’m right to question the motives of those who want to protect marriage, and the whole concept of marriage itself.  I think an uprising is exactly what is needed.  Right now, you are saying I’m bitter. . .  And crazy.  I think it’s you people (meaning everyone who blindly follows the propaganda of marriage without analysis of what it MEANS) are the ones that are whack.  Yay for the people who want to marry within their religious community purely for the love and commitment you garner.  That’s all you should get though.  Why should the countries laws benefit you more than any other citizen?

In closing, I give much praise to those of you who can make the traditional model of marriage work–just the way God intended.  But for couples who just marry because that is the thing to do, or for monetary reasons, or worse, those that easily get into a marriage then desecrate that spiritual ideal in some way–YOU are mocking the whole institution.  It’s not the gays wrecking marriage it’s the people that get married for the wrong reasons, and it’s the overbearing forces such as capitalism, patriarchy, and prejudice destroying it.

Here is the big solution for all! Allow marriage only to devoted, church-attending, loving couples, and have said ceremony in their particular church.  At the same time, yank all state and federal benefits and funding from all married couples.  Keep marriage in the church, and only in the church–disentangle the whole thing from the United State’s laws.  Think about that.


27 Mar

I, in no way want to protect any of the characters at the Cabin-Mansion.  At the same time, I think names should be changed if only to protect myself from a libel suit once my book becomes a best seller.  I want the names to be reminiscent of the people they represent without being so personal as to hold up in court as slander.

A brainstorm of alternate names/titles/nicknames for the people/places in my stories:




Notady, Yandot (Yawndot), Tadyon (Tadyawn)




Columbia, MO–>



Noah’s Ark–>




Candice, Claudia, Farrah, Francis, Tabitha, Tamara, Tracy, Tammy, something Douche-esk would be really nice too



carpenter, farmer, tailor, thatcher,



Leela, Leena,



Christine, Dawn, Dana, Kelly, Renee, Robin, Vicki


Kathy/The Hairdresser–>

Betty, Gloria, “The Hairdresser”



Cari, Holi, Jaki, Keli, Juli,


Shaun Minor–>

blather, prattle, CBS, ABC





Votes?  Suggestions?  Both are welcomed encouraged!

To Get That LVT or Not???

19 Mar

We made it.  Maybe we were whimsical and impractical about moving logistics.  After the expensive move (which was hardly a mercurial choice) from Seattle to random Spokane we have resisted the urge to spend money capriciously long enough to catch up financially.  Cool and I willfully avoided any and all expenditures that were not absolutely necessary–and put off some that were way too long.  Our erratic job possibilities in the beginning of our move made this a difficult task to accomplish–but we managed it.  It was by pure chance and luck that I found my (wonderfully, awesome) job and Cool got an arbitrary job at a call center.  That is fickle about keeping people, and has erratic scheduling policies.  BUT even though her job is completely inconsistent, at least it pays the bills!

the flight

After moving so much I would like to gain a little job security.  Also, my salary has been at a standstill for some time now, and an instant pay-raise wouldn’t hurt my feelings.  I think employers are starting to give preference to licensed techs rather than ones with experience–even if that experience is substantial, and the person has a bachelor’s degree in Animal Science for fuck’s sake.  Also, an LVT or RVT doesn’t guarantee a better employee–no technical school (or legit college for that matter) can teach work ethic.  Anyway, veterinary technician jobs reach a stagnation phase pretty quickly–you can’t have upward mobility without more education.  So as soon as I heard that Washington allows people to take a test rather than paying for two years of technical school (which is below my college-level course material) I was all about it!  I may not agree with the inertia of veterinary assistant monetary compensation or the stasis in hiring individuals without a tech license, but that doesn’t mean I can’t “play the game” as Mary advised me to do repeatedly.  I want equilibrium in my career, and I thought showing the veterinary admissions board I had the initiative to take an extra test and get extra credentials behind my name couldn’t hurt.

“playing the game”

The Veterinary Technician National Exam criteria were difficult to discern.  Distinguishing current rules, procedure, and timelines for veterinary technicians compared to whatever else was next to impossible.  As soon as I would glimpse a plausible answer to my questions, I would spot another, contrary set of procedural rules.  Coming to any kind of perception about my eligibility was frustrating!  Detecting the true source of correct information about whether I should waste my time to apply to take the test was damn-near impossible!  As soon as I spotted some rules, I would see other links leading me to different pages and governing bodies and rules to espy.  If I spied something that seemed helpful at all, it turned out to be geared toward something else.  Separating what I needed to know and differentiating between tests proved too much for me.  I could tell they didn’t want people to use the experience pathway anymore because they wouldn’t even let you recognize the material for that application.  I feel it’s pretty discriminatory considering the law still allows people to test-in to their LVT until 2015.  I thought I could better catch up with the info if I called and talked to an actual person.  The help line couldn’t tell me that much either.


Oh, and let me back up a little.  I have a natural inclination towards veterinary medicine.  As a child, I had a predisposition towards animals.  I also had a predilection towards science from a young age.  And of course my penchant for hard work, and partiality towards organization didn’t hurt my future goals.  My propensity for responsibility garnered me many leadership positions, and early volunteer and job positions in veterinary hospitals.  That is still my eventual goal–to become nothing less than a veterinarian!

I have been working and working to crest that steep hill of veterinary school acceptance.  It would be the crescendo of my life to get that DVM behind my name!  It has always been the climax of my day to head to the hospital.  Hopefully, working FOR veterinarians is not the capstone of my veterinary experience.  Of course, I would not want the acme of my working life to end at LVT.  I would like to see the culmination of all my efforts end in a veterinary career.

Though I am a connoisseur of the veterinary admissions process, having applied a zillion times, I did not realize my plan might hurt my chances of acceptance.  The veterinarian I work with on Fridays and some Saturdays, an authority in admissions herself (3 attempts) and married to a vet, told me to be careful about getting an LVT.  She said being an epicure tech could make the board think that was all I needed to be happy.  She said, she had known licensed technicians and horse-shoe gourmets who had tried and failed to get into vet school repeatedly.  Even though I think it’s stupis and discriminatory to reject people with proven skills, again, I need to jump through the right hoops and make life easier on myself (for once).

let me in!

And easier sounds good right now.  I don’t even like to bring it up, because I am still putting my whole heart into this project of getting admitted into a veterinary program, but after this year, my efforts will dramatically slacken.  After years and years of trying, my devotion to veterinary school, and especially the tedious application process is flagging.  And no, not because I have lost interest in my dream career.  My motivation has not subsided, but my energy has waned.  Understand the difference?  And who’s spirit would not dwindle after so many close-calls and eventual failures?  Declining vigor and the strength to carry on after this possible failure will have ebbed completely.  A person can only take so much, and wait so long.  I have to start my life some time in the near future because I’m not getting any younger.  I would love for it to be on my chosen path of veterinary medicine, but if it doesn’t happen for me, I need to pursue other interests.

What ARE my other interests?  I’m not certain I know of any concrete and viable jobs that I am truly interested in (and that will pay the bills).  Throwing myself so completely in pursuit of my animal aspirations sort of obstructed any other career paths.  I guess my hunger for the ONE profession blocked out any other job desires, and closed the door on any other career paths.  It’s not like I meant to occlude any possible employment, but focusing so intently on becoming a veterinarian pretty much barricaded some options for me.  Maybe I completely obstructed any other meaningful career by wanting the vet thing too much?

It would be salubrious to have a back up plan.  Bracing myself for another possible failure would be the prudent thing to do.  In the past, I thought doing that was as good as giving up.  I feared it would jinx me to even consider other career options.  Now I see at as a therapeutic, and wise thing to perceive.  Not to mention, having another plan ready just in case would be like tonic for a bad financial scene.  So to start the medicinal process, I have at least entertained myself in other jobs.  I have to say, I haven’t liked my other options thus far, but at least I’m getting slightly more healthful during this application process than the ones gone by.

Since I am by no means prescient, I have no idea what-so-ever what my employement future holds.  Hey if I was oracular, I could also know exactly what would be on my GRE so I could study only those problems!  But seriously, I wish I was inaugural so I could know if Washington will accept me.    It doesn’t take a divinatory person to know another vet school rejection will be devastating.  If I was mantic, I could decide now if investing my soul once again will be worthwhile.  It would be pretty helpful to be premonitory in finding a different career path too.  Having foresight would be helpful in many arenas I guess. . .

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I Loved This Reminder About Taking Small Steps

18 Mar

A co

A Habit of Mind – #2 Begin With The End In Mind

A couple of weeks ago, I presented Stephen Covey‘s first habit, Be Proactive. Today I’m going to talk about his second habit, Begin With the End in Mind. As a school teacher, I learned long ago that Backward Design was the best way to plan lessons. In Backward Design, you begin with an essential question and create the last part of the lesson, an assessment and rubric first. Then you build lessons that lead up to the assessment. Makes a hell of a lot of sense, actually, to know IN THE END what you want your students to take away from their experience.

Now let’s turn to our lives in general. If we BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND, we always know where we are headed. We know what our light is at the end of the tunnel. We have a direction. This is the time for dream-building, folks. Write that dream you have down on paper. Then under that dream, list the steps it’s going to take to make that dream a reality. Under each step, there are what I call, sub-steps, or smaller identifiable actions that need to be taken in order to say that particular step has been accomplished. When you have these items WRITTEN DOWN, you can then begin to work on achieving your dreams.

Let me use myself as an example. I’ve always had a proclivity toward writing. Back east, I had already begun writing poetry and submitting to vanity presses, not knowing any better. When we moved out to Arizona, I continued. No real direction, just something to do  to express myself. But one day, after read hoards and hoards of books over the summer, an idea niggled at the back of my mind. I acknowledged it, laughed, and then ignored it. But it came back.There was no ignoring a story percolating in my head nor the insane notion that I could write something as scary as a novel. However, I thought, how does one do it? Where do I begin? WITH THE END IN MIND!

After I got over the initial excitement of deciding to write a novel, I relied on the Habits of Mind, especially Number 1, BE PROACTIVE, to focus my energies. After all, what was I really doing here? Just playing around? I had to decide. For fun or for real and for the rest of my life? It took a bit to consider what my goal really was, but in the end, I had come to the determination that fun was definitely a huge factor, but also, I wanted to start writing seriously and do it for the rest of my life. I decided that Spring Break would be a perfect time to start. My kids were in school all week. I had a week of uninterrupted time to launch my writing.

So I got a piece of paper, wrote down my dream: I want to be a successful author.

And just how was I to do that? Well, step number one: I had to write something! Stepnumber two: I had to research what it was to become an author. Step number three: I had to scope out a quiet place for myself to write and alert my family that I would be missing for hours at a time, but not to worry. They would learn how to fold clothes and cook. Step number four: Join a writing association. Step number five: Submit my work. Step number six: Learn about promotions and marketing. Step number seven: Keep writing.

As you might have guessed, each step to reach my dream had a variety of substeps. I didn’t let them scare me, though. There’s no time or place for fear if I wanted to do my damnedest to make my dream a reality. I JUST STARTED, and put a check next to each step I completed. That’s right. I dug right in to writing, because if I wanted to be successful, I needed to have something to share with the world. When I wasn’t writing, I was exploring the internet for information about the publishing world. I plowed through that list of steps like nobody’s business, and I came alive. I changed from a frustrated, stuck professional woman to one that was excited about work again. Thrilled by the unknown. Jazzed up by the creative energy coursing through me.

I’m living steps number seven and eight right now. Having TRINITY releasing on Tuesday, March 22nd has tested my knowledge of promotions and marketing. If I don’t know something, I seek out the answers. And I continue to write, because I have stories in me that must come out.

Can you see how Habit 1 and Habit 2 go together so beautifully? Once I had a dream, I was proactive and did something about it. I wrote down my dream and steps to achieve it. Then I acted upon those steps. I haven’t felt “stuck” in my life  since reading Stephen Covey’s Habits of Highly Effective People. The hardest part for anyone is actively making a change, shifting our paradigm of thought.

YOU CAN DO THIS, TOO! Just follow Habits 1 and 2 and you will see and feel a difference in how you view  and live in your world. And if you click on Stephen Covey’s name above, it will take you to his website.



I Might Believe (in) You if I Didn’t Know

15 Mar

“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.  I been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.  And it’s taken me this long, baby, but I’ve figured you out. . .”

I always thought Kim was as fond of me as I was of her.  I missed hearing from her and felt strong empathy for her situation.  I just kept waiting, and waiting for that contact from my friend–it was torturous.  When Kim did make the effort to talk to me, it was only more agony.  Nervousness about what she would say, frustration at all the unanswered questions, sadness upon the realization she was drinking, excitement about future plans, then inevitable disappointment.  It was always very upsetting to get a random call, text, or message from Kim, but then none of the promised follow up communication.  I would fret and wonder if I had said or done something wrong, then scrutinize the conversation to death trying to figure out why she disappeared again.

“You don’t have to call anymore, I won’t pick up the phone.  This is the last straw, don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

As much as I loved to hear from Kim, and as good as I felt resuming our comfortable relationship, it was almost worse being reminded of her only to have that familiar dearth of communication again.  But I kept making excuses for Kim to justify her hurtful actions.  I would placate myself by blaming Mary’s stringent regulations for Kim’s silence.  I was livid at Mary for banning Kim from talking to me when she could still continue her affair with the hairdresser.

All this time I had thought that at least the two of us were on the same side of the fight.  Recently I realized this was an erroneous assumption when I heard Kim finally fled the Cabin-Mansion, but she still didn’t contact me.  How could I possibly conciliate my emotions and blame anyone but Kim for this current paucity of connection?  I could no longer primarily blame Mary for Kim’s lack of communication.  It makes me replete with dolorous, disappointment.

“. . .  Could have loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold.  And you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know. . .”

There was a time when I would have waited for Kim to come around.  I just knew she was a life-long friend, if not my soul-mate.  I only gave up after abounding miscommunication, no communication at all, and a lot of outside interference.  I hate, hate, hate to think it, let alone type it, but maybe my relationship with Kim was just a string of disappointments.  Sure, we got along famously.  We would laugh a lot, and understood each other.  I knew how Kim felt about a lot of things, and she could read me better than almost anyone else.

But there was another aspect:  Sober Kim was not very forthright.  The only times she would open up and really talk, or divulge any information or motivation was when she was trashed.  I would wait for such moments and embrace them, choosing to remember only those times, and not the times when I was left confused, wondering, and frustrated about the most basic goings-on in Kim’s life.

And now I realize I could never live a life of not knowing.  And I won’t accept addiction for a little probity.  I am better than that, and do not need alcohol to influence any connection with another, whether they be friends, family members, or a lover.  I want all of my relationships to be frank, open, honest, and sincere.  And that is something I could never have with Sober-Kim.  I simply cannot stand to wonder. . .

“. . .  You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade. . .”

It deeply hurts me to accept that this current Kim is not the verdant Kim I met when I was 17 and inexperienced in life.  She has been wasted by alcohol, damaged by the isolation Mary bestowed upon her, and she is not going to get any more of my worry.  Kim was no longer optimistic or funny when I went back to Dayton.  All the fun was drained out of her, and in its place was loneliness and vodka.  The second time I knew Kim, she was just an effigy of the person I had known prior to my Missouri move.  She was going through the same motions she had before, but as an image–nothing seemed genuine, and everything about her was tinged with sadness.

The stress of the Cabin-Mansion certainly lionized Kim in my mind–she was the only semi-bright spot of that whole deal.  When she was drunk or trying to ply herself with my alcohol, she was the only person that knew what I was going through and felt sorry about it.  How could I not honor her?  But just because there is a dandelion in the poison hemlock, doesn’t mean it’s still not a weed.  Maybe my feelings toward Kim were more apocryphal than I knew, just because we had suffered together.  I am finished.  That part of my life is over.  Chapter complete–now for the book.

1!)  Song is “You’re Not Sorry” by Taylor Swift

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Eating Crow

14 Mar

Is that what they call it when you regulate on someone for doing something stupid, then you turn around and do that same stupid thing later?  So that you look really silly and have to eat your words?  And the person you originally admonished gets to laugh in your face?

So our neighbors are really obnoxious.  We have issued noise complaints against the lady next door at LEAST four times–probably more.  And the landlord doesn’t seem to care (or do anything about it) even though the quiet hours in the lease are being violated.  It’s always the same gal–Debbie.  I know her name, (and all her business) because she is so loud.  I suspect the landlord is friends with her though, as she seems more annoyed when we complain then with someone continuously breaking the lease.

Also, the apartment complex next door burned down at the hands of an extremely careless resident, so I was (understandably, I think) concerned about fire safety.  I noted the neighbors all have BBQs on their patios and I was concerned what would happen if those caught fire.  This isn’t implausible because they neighbors all smoke and drink a lot, and are generally stupid, irresponsible individuals.  I looked up BBQ, and found there is a ban on BBQs at public and shared buildings in Washington state.  Also, the lease specifies that no one should have a BBQ on their patio.  It makes sense because one person’s carelessness can burn down everyone’s unit.  It would kill our cats, and might kill us.  AND, unless you have renter’s insurance (who does?) you lose everything and won’t be reimbursed–too bad, so sad.  Also, you would be displaced from the current residence and no one has to make living accommodations for you.  All bad news.   I wrote to the landlord, voicing my fire-safety concerns, and she totally blew me off.  Was irritated I said anything, and made me feel crazy for bringing it up at all.

Cut to last Friday.  I’m at work all day and have no car.  Cool gets to hang out at home for awhile before picking me up from work.  Then, we went to Grocery Outlet to do some shopping.  While at the store our lanlord calls and says our smoke alarm is going off.  I was petrified!  Long story short, while Cool was home, she began boiling water on the stove to make tea.  Then she stupidly *insert* fucking-stupidly left the apartment to go pick me up without turning off the oven.

So the neighbors called and said the smoke detector was going off, and the landlord went inside and shut the stove off and took the battery out of the detector.  She did not open the sliding glass door or move the cats to the bedroom to open the front door.  I was livid at the situation and I was scared it might happen again.  Also, it made me look really, really hypocritical for complaining about fire hazzards, then having the biggest risk in my own apartment.

Everything inside the apartment turned out all right:  Nothing burned (not even the pan), no perminant smoke damage, and the cats were only a little nervous but otherwise unscathed.  I made sure to write the landlord a thank you for letting us know so quickly, and she just HAD to get her digs in about the neighbors.  “Thank your wonderful neighbors for saying something!”  I couldn’t stomach it–I still think the fucking neighbor is the loudest, most inconsiderate bitch, who might yet burn down the entire complex.  But since my own girlfriend is careless, I look like the shit-head.  I was so mad, I couldn’t help but to write back:  “Anyone would call if an alarm was going off for an extended period of time, not to mention possibility of impending danger to your own apartment.”

I end with:  Fuck you neighbors, I am not thankful for you in any way, Landlord, you are a biased (toward said neighbors) piece of shit, and Goddamn it Cool–please don’t burn down the house!!!!  Should I have to eat crow that’s not mine?!

Taking My Own Advice

13 Mar

Sometimes you need to remind yourself how cool you really are.  In no particular order here are my favorite things about myself:

My speech patterns are unique and crowd-pleasing

I have a stellar work ethic

My cats love me-a lot!

My organizational abilities are top-notch–thanks, Mom!

I am open, honest, and sincere most of the time.

Regarding dental hygiene, I am more awesome than most because I floss every day.

I am patriotic to my country, and can’t stand when people disparage the U.S.A.  As part of this, I call “The 4th of July” by it’s proper name of Independence Day.

mmmm-this is harder than it looks.  I may add more later.

Martini Lunch

13 Mar

I HATE losing an hour of the day.  As a diurnal creature, I rather like when the days get long after winter.  I love the spring, when days start to include sunlight again, and everything is all fresh and blooming outside.  Daylight savings undoes all the progress that is finally made!  I think affecting the length of day by artificial means is pointless.  What is the reasoning again?  Agriculture?  Increased capitalism?  Farmers get up at 4 AM to milk the cows whether it is light or not–they do not care about phony time maneuvering.  And the people that have money and motivation to shop will do so in the dark too!

My lonely aunt invited Cool and me out to lunch, and I am always putting her off, so I figured we should go.  Plus it is Cool’s first Sunday off since October(?)  And my Aunt offered to pay!  The place she picked is also really ritzy and gourmet, so yesterday I was very excited about this luncheon.  I am a food epicure, meaning I love to eat.  I am also a martini connoisseur who has had a lot of practice picking the most awesome of concoctions, and this place is famous for them

Unfortunately, I started out tired this morning.  I didn’t get any studying finished, and I knew it likely wouldn’t happen after alcohol, so I no longer wanted to go out.  Also, I am agoraphobic on my days off of work.  I figured a little repose couldn’t hurt so I dragged myself to the restaurant none-the-less.  I also (erroneously, it turns out) thought I could study after my leisure time.

We were served a panoply of delicious food and strong martinis.  The waitress even complimented us on our orders, saying the bartender was especially impressed and would be making herself those drinks after work.  The array on our table was beautiful, yummy, and intoxicating!  Problem #1:  I am thin and 5’2″ translating to low natural alcohol tolerance.  Problem #2:  I am competitive, so I want to at the very least match everyone else’s drinking capacity, if not exceed it to look super-cool.  I just love when people comment how I can drink like a champ despite my petite size!

At the restaurant I vacillated over my menu choices, knowing I should drink something light in order to study productively, but wanting to have the same fancy martinis everyone else was partaking in.  After faltering and resigning myself to the martini, I promised myself I would get a bread and pasta meal and drink water to counter the alcohol, as well as just have the ONE drink. . .  Sadly, I did not even dither before ordering my second martini, because if Cool could handle it, and my 60 year old aunt was un-phased I should be able to keep up.

I don’t know what that is:  Strongly wanting one thing, than conceding to the opposite choice.  Maybe that’s what addiction is, maybe I’m simply rebellious, either way, I always regret it later.  And now that I’ve mentioned the possibility of alcoholism, I feel like you, my readers, will judge me harshly.  Just the word brings pejorative feelings.  I feel like it should be a consideration since I am Native American, and my father, maybe my paternal uncle, possibly my paternal grandfather, and my maternal great grandfather all had drinking problems.  Dismissing a family history like that could be even more detrimental than having undo paranoia, right?

Anyway, After my Aunt’s largess, the benevolent serving sizes, and the boon of alcohol, I felt ill.  Luckily, I managed to choke back my nausea on the car-ride home.  

Not so fortuitously, I was unable to concentrate on anything aside from my hot face, touchy belly, and buzzing brain.  The two martinis gave me an analgesic affect that rendered me unmotivated–to my great dismay.  Instead of cleaning the kitchen, getting my scrubs out for work, or studying for the GRE as I had originally intended, I fought the urge to vomit and took an afternoon nap passed out.  There would be no scholarly pursuits this morning or afternoon.

I’m not certain why booze has this malediction towards me.  I wonder if it’s hereditary, or because I have fond memories of my first drinking experiences, or if it’s like that for everyone.  It’s always been like that for me:  My parley between my ambitious goal-setting, and alcohol’s tempting laziness.  You would think an erudite about addiction such as myself (I’m an avid viewer of “Intervention”) would have very little problem saying no.  At home, I can usually win the debate with the wine and beer available to me.  During social events pretty alcoholic temptations use two unfair advantages in the negotiations against me–my anxiety at being in public, and my competitive nature.  I end up losing ground every time.

Now I’m hoping I don’t get a terrible hangover that makes me want to shirk on my GRE studies tonight.  And I really, really hope alcohol doesn’t make me feel like malinger tomorrow at work.  I would NEVER miss a day for alcohol-induced sickness, but I might move slower.  Why do I do this to myself???

Bipolar: She or Me?

10 Mar

I’m not a psychologist.  I am extremely introspective, watch Intervention, and have taken several classes on human behavior, but I don’t know enough to make an informed judgement.  Is Cool cycling?  If the symptoms are evident, I’ll take notice.  If she is really mundane or stops eating and sleeping I wonder if something is up.  But then I doubt my intuition.  I never know for certain if she’s depresses, manic, or just a person.  I also never know if it’s simply baggage and upbringing, personality traits or if the behaviors are pointing to a problem.  I am more terrestrial by nature, so flights of fancy do not always a good indication of a bipolar episode.

I could list certain things I find irregular:  The afore-mentioned inappatance and insomnia, a lack of practicality, joyous feelings at something previously hated (work), an eerie optimism, craftiness, and an inability to focus.  I especially start to wonder when Cool gets these transitory ideas–mostly work/school related.  For example, during one (later confirmed) bipolar episode Cool decided she would start a part time snow clearing business–despite not having four-wheel drive, a plow, availibilty in the early morning, stamina to do physical labor, winter clothes, or a shovel.  She seemed very excited about it, and I was left contemplating the logistics of the idea.  Since Cool is more laid back than I am in general, some of these things are not clear cut.

It doesn’t help that she doesn’t answer questions with veracity during these times.  She only has her own perspective so I guess symptoms might be concealed for her as well as for me.  She doesn’t know if she’s cycling either, so how could her answers to my probing questions be accurate?  To her, the problem is latent until it is over and she can look back.

It’s not like I want to libel Cool.  Not knowing if her bipolar is striking is detrimental.  We will start having relationship problems, and it can be hard to tell if we are having an issue, or if it’s a bipolar episode.  As a girlfriend I want to be supportive of Cool’s health.  On the contrary, I would hate to spread calumny by accusing the B-P of causing the strife, if it is in fact, an important disagreement between us.

And as an important side-note, I now understand why some bipolar people refuse to take their meds.  The meds cause a billion side-effects.  The prescribing doctor does not even bother to talk to the patient.  It’s appalling.  What’s more surprising is the liberal cost of the drugs.  For a month of Cool’s medication–it costs more than $500!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No, that is not a solecism on my part, I meant 5-0-0!  That is more than a month’s rent-on a one bedroom apartment that allows two cats and overlooks the river.  It is more than an entire paycheck!  I am tolerant of costs that go into inventing, testing, and approving new drugs.  But seriously, charging more than a month’s rent???  You have got to be kidding, if you think for one second that some drug company is not making a boat-load of cash from that.  I wish bipolar disorder could be managed economically.  Or just managed.