If I’m Not a Gold-Star, What Metal Does It Make Me?

10 Jan

The Gold-Star lesbian is a current and former lesbian who has never had any (sexual) relations with men.  She is said to be the purist and truest form of lesbian.  And rare.  But, what star do currently 100%-girl-loving-girls get if they (however brief or regrettably) had experiences with the opposite of sex?

I didn’t try to quantify any male experience.  More then numbers of encounters or degree of severity (dating to hand holding to kissing to oral to intercourse), proof of lesbianism is more about the FEELINGS involved when messing about with guys.  And I didn’t include Silver or Bronze because they imply a lessor status to Gold.  And non-Gold-Stars are NOT less in any way!  So here are loose (no pun intended) categories of ex-Gold-Star gals–just add star to your metal:

Thallium will kill you.  Just as you would kill anyone who told about that ONE time when you were pressured, or drunk, or on the rebound, or just seeing what it was like.  Yet Thallium is fatal without symptoms and cannot be detected in the body.  Just as your man-secret will never be detected.  And just like you would DIE before doing it again.

Bismuth spontaneously forms rainbow (yes rainbow!) crystals upon cooling.  Also it is the last of the stable elements on the periodic table–all the ones after it are volatile and highly regulated by government.  So you had limited, low severity, boy-ness for whatever reason–you know you’re a true lezbo now.  And you won’t change your mind.  Ever.

Who doesn’t love a metal named for an indigo emission spectrum?  Even if you had a few indiscretions, OR for a period tried dudes out, your heart bleeds lez-lavender.  Indium is also a super-gay metal underneath all its softness (you can change it’s physical characteristics using just hands).  I hope I didn’t bring any phallic images to mind with that tiny detail. . .

So you’re no Gold-Star.  Or Silver.  The important thing is you know what team you’re playing for now.  Aluminum is light and strong, and doesn’t rust.  It’s very versatile.  AND it was at first considered a noble metal just like gold and silver, bestowed upon royalty and such.  In a powdered form, this metal is VERY reactive and used as jet fuel.  So embrace your history as a penis-lover, it just makes you that much more of an interesting lesbian!

Tin stays shiny forever.  So even if those gold-stars say your stud-studded past tarnishes your star–you know the truth. . .

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