Archive | 5:00 AM

Always the Responsible One

18 May

I feel like I always have to be the one thinking of the future and of consequences. Sometimes I long just to be taken care of.

What I forget in those moments is how much I enjoy my independance and how much I like, and need, to be in control. Shades of my mother?  Scary, but true.  And when someone takes care of you–you are dependant and OUT of your own control.  Plus you are ingratiated to them–and I hate feeling like I owe anybody anything.

I thought it would be a really easy life to depend on the government for health care, food, money. I was jealous.  Obviously, it’s a difficult thing to see other people with a seemingly easy time, when I am struggling so much and “playing the game.”  Something I have always loathed.  My Aunt Debra seems to have it sooooooo easy after “working the government” for disability.  Cool’s mom has legit disability, and could NOT work, but her life seemed easy too.  Who wouldn’t want to watch TV, internet, sleep, eat, and throw an occasional dinner party–for forever more?  My new friend from school has everything through the government.  It seemed a lot of the burdens I have daily and monthly basis were magically solved for these people.

But I forgot–what if a payment is late? What if the amounts are lower? My friend’s medicare(?) payment was lower one month then normal, no warning and no explanation.  So she had to walk (during rain, flooding-trail, when running late) to school for 2 weeks b/c she could no longer afford gas without the full amount of money from the government.   That’s no good.  Once you are financially dependent all there is to do then is wait. And I’m not good at waiting and hoping.

So I guess it’s best that I have a lot of responsibility in the sense that I can gain more control over my environment and my destiny.