My Lost Wedding

I just finished Dan Savage’s The Commitment.  I’m really not all into the politics of gay-marriage, I bought the book because I saw Dan Savage on a documentary once and thought he made hilarious comments.  I would have read anything he wrote based on his interviews.  But I found the marriage book first at Auntie’s Bookstore downtown and plucked it off the shelf.

As I’ve said before, I think the fair political thing to do is get rid of ALL marriage benefits through state and federal government.  With separation of church and state, it’s not a very legal practice anyway.  And the discriminatory/religious aspect of the whole controversy would be null and void. But you’ve already heard all of that.  Today I want to get more personal.

Every little girl is taught to dream of her special day from the time she is a tiny-tron.  This is creepy and hertro-sexist, but I once was a little girl too.  I was not immune from this indoctrination.  I once wanted a beautiful lavender and light green wedding, white dress, and family and friends gathered amongst many flowers to watch me marry (a man). The destruction of this aspiration, was (embarrassing to admit) one of the worst things about coming out as gay.  I knew as a gay I could never have this–not really.

Firstly, 2 women getting married are going to offend someone, whereas straight couples may not be a good match for each other, but their ceremony won’t inspire acrimony, hate, and controversy in the way the gays will.  I could not image my family OR friends (from my small, rural childhood town) getting on board with my gay ceremony in the way they would if I married a man. For example, my Aunt married her FIRST cousin, which is gross to me, and SHE has the audacity to post anti-gay marriage sentiment on her Facebook wall.  Secondly, everything about the wedding would be off.  Weddings are highly traditional (read-antiquated) affairs that are highly scripted.  Bride wears fancy dress.  Groom wears tux.  Bride is given away by her father.  Groom has groomsmen.  These things have to change if you have the same gender–so automatically any wedding is all weird and different. Most importantly (unfortunately) nothing changes when 2 gays get “married.”  Even if marriage is recognized in their own state–it’s not like straight who can travel anywhere in the world and still be considered a couple.  And the gays don’t get the same legal marriage benefits.  Not to mention the whole churchy thing.  Gay marriage/commitment is hardly the same as “real” marriage.

I just had to give up that dream, difficult as it was at the time.  And the closer I got to accepting the truth that I would never have that dream wedding, the less I even wanted it.  I especially don’t like the whole ownership aspect of marriage.  I do not want to belong to anyone–and would never change my last name to reflect my new “ownership.”  My name has been my identity my whole life.  Not only would I not want to be stripped of that, I could never be excited about it, because that is what society has taught me from a young age.  Besides Cool is much too lazy and financially irresponsible to help pull off such a big occasion.  It would never happen even if I DID believe in it.  And speaking of money–the whole affair is a rip-off.  By changing my mind about wedding dreams I saved myself a HUGE amount of money!  I could write a whole ‘nother post about the politics of wedding prices–it’s disgusting.

But the book was good.  And I could still go for a cake, flowers sprinkled in champagne, an opal ring, and a bunch of gifts. . .  Maybe some sort of anniversary party?  No still controversial.  I know–I’ll have a loft-warming party one day!!!

Related articles

• Queer marriage for the straight couple? I do! (bigstory.ap.org)
• The differences between wedding at the past time and at the present time (ragungazmi.wordpress.com)