Bi-Crying

I wasn’t certain if I should write so personal a post.  But keeping it private makes it feel like a dirty secret.  And no one has done anything wrong, so I am going to be open about what’s going on with us (me and Cool).  Plus, this is a huge part of my life right now.  Pretty much everything else takes a back seat to it.

This week, all Cool does is cry.  It tears my heart out when she sobs and tells me it feels like HER heart is breaking.  I never know what to do, aside from encourage her to take action to change her situation.  I pressure her into making phone calls, going to her doctor, doing the depression exercises in her bipolar book, going for a walk.  And this only adds pressure to a person having trouble getting out of bed, and ends up making her feel worse.  It amounts to frustration for both of us, because EVERYthing is harder when Cool’s mood is 2-4 out of 10.  I’m afraid to leave her by herself.  Of course, that stuff tends to be catchy–it makes me feel bad and hopeless when Cool’s mood spirals downward.  And it seems like she’s depressed more often then not in the last year.

Money becomes a huge problem.  Like she owes me an amount higher then I like.  Her parents never taught her financial responsibility.  Also, she gave up a well-paying job to move–for me.  And her anxiety forced her out of a decent paying job.  And I don’t want to contribute or enable her, but a lot of her consequences lead right back to ME.  For example, if I DON’T pay her half of the rent–it also affects MY lease and credit and living situation.  So I am forced to when she can’t afford it.  If she couldn’t pay the internet–I lose mine too.  And when her cat is sick and I work at a vet hospital–what else am I going to do but take it to work with me?  And she HAS to go to the doctor, whether or not she can afford the exam fee.  And she has a birthday coming up. . .  So I feel stuck, and used, and resentful.

Though I would have all these bills in full, if I was single and on my own anyway.  And because I could only afford to pay them by working full time, school would not even be an option for me.  So I can I be SUPER-upset Cool is having difficulty with money right now?  And it’s so unfortunate, because she likes her current job, and it’s one of the only work situations her psyche can handle. . .  However, they don’t give her enough hours or pay her enough so that she can keep up with her bills.  But don’t let me paint this picture like she’s a totally apathetic user:  She IS selling her plasma as much as they let her (for $$$$) and looking for a job with more hours, and even applied to a call-center, which she HATES more then anything.  This is a major influencing factor of why she became this depressed in the first place.  Money.

Motivation (lack of it) is already an issue, but is exaggerated during any bipolar cycling.  Like I mentioned earlier–Cool can hardly do anything but sleep when she’s depressed.  So when her (skum-bag) car company takes extra money out of her account (that she can’t afford) it takes a LOT of nagging and badgering on my part to get her to contact them to fix it.  Calling the doctor–becomes a task that is nearly impossible for her.  She can’t seem to say the right things when she does talk to someone, and isn’t all that rational in her state.  So when she gets the (inevitable) brush-off from the receptionist, she doesn’t describe how bad the situation is, and ask to be squeezed in, ask to TALK to the doctor over the phone, or check if she can change the dosage of something.  Cool will just say, “. . .  OK. . .”  and wait longer for the needed appointment.  Chores?  Not even worth the nagging when everything else is a fight and more important.  Forget it.  Everything become a big struggle.

Can Cool’s mood ever get stabilized?  I feel like we are constantly dealing with the bipolar issues.  It’s exhausting.  I would never leave a person JUST for being sick.  The only reason I mention it at all, is I feel like other people think that is the best solution for me.  I realize she cannot help it, and she does try to fix things.  Cool ALWAYS takes all of her meds as directed and tries to do everything she is supposed to.  And that in itself is expensive.  One psychiatrist’s appointment alone is $250.  But I can’t help but feel that outsiders looking into our relationship think I should give up and leave.  Would those people leave their spouse if cancer or M.S. were diagnosed?  I hope to never get involved with a person like THAT.  Breaking-up with Cool is NOT what I want at all.  She is the best person in my life, she’s just going through a rough patch.  I do LOVE real Cool (when she’s of a normal or high mood) and I know she loves me, but her depression really takes it’s toll on everyone. . .

Secret Exposed.  It feels good.