Archive | 5:23 AM

I am OK Afterall

10 Jan

I have no idea why, but lately I’ve had this impending sense of doom.

-I will fail my college classes, thus losing my 4.0 GPA, and with that the opportunity to enter into ANY career.

-I will be immediately fired from my current job.  Then, I’ll have drop out of school anyway, become homeless, and NEVER leave Spokompton.  Or take a worse job somewhere terrible.

-Something will happen to my dad before I can talk to him a lot.  He’s not getting any younger, and unlike my mom, he has almost no internet presence.

-Something horrible will befall my beloved maine coon buddy before I am able to bring him to live Yard 7-22 029with me.  This will make me resentful and terribly sad.

Writing it out makes it seem silly–like when Cool feels this way because she’s forgotten to take her bipolar/anxiety meds.  Not to discount Cool’s feelings/mental illness.  Just to say these feelings of doom are not based on real-life scenarios or facts–just brain chemistry.  But I don’t have any meds to take.  So what am I supposed to do to feel better?  Well, I guess write out why I’m worrying for nothing, to start with:

-Yes, I can’t stand either prof.  This new dude, makes last semester’s bitch seem sweet.  But who cares anyway.  It’s not like I have to marry either of them.  Or even talk to them for that matter.

-Yes, I am super intimidated by the course outlines–especially the reading.  SO much reading to be finished in a short time.  Add the actual assignments, studying, and papers and it quickly seems overwhelming.  I just have to remember that I only have 2 classes.  And these courses are designed for people taking 12 credit loads.  So they can’t be so bad for me as a half-time student.  Also, I can break things into smaller chunks.  Read several short time intervals during the day.  Do assignments at other times.  Look at flashcards to and from and between other activities.  It will be fine, because I am determined to be disciplined and make it fine.  If I can do anatomy, I can do anything!

-Something may or may not be happening between my boss and me.  Maybe I’m over-analyzing and being oversensitive as usual.  My sadness and anger over a deteriorated relationship probably is not even warranted.  And who cares if she no longer likes me?  I need to remember Mary here–I have no personal ties to my boss, nor do I want any.  Forget this one.

-And whatever is happening probably has nothing to do with me.  She’s more than likely dealing with her own issues, in her own world.  I give my best effort.  I gave my class-schedule well ahead of time, and on multiple occasions.  It isn’t MY fault (or intentional on either side) that there was work-schedule confusion.  Also, my boss is not conspiring to make me work just under full-time to maximize my productivity around there but minimize the benefits owed by work.

-And even if there IS something to my concerns, and it had everything to do with me–I’m an awesome employee that whether or not they like to admit it–they need.  I am valuable to the operation of their business.  And they should remember I’m a good person, nice to work with (when they’re not hating) too.  Besides, this is not important to my long-term life and does not deserve the amount of worry I have been devoting to it.

-Dad is healthy.  And I will make time to call this weekend.  And I’ll make sure to talk to him one-on-one so he can get a word in.

LL's 28th birth-month 059-My maine coon is in good hands.  My love of animals was handed from my parents.  Even if they give their dogs waaaaaay more attention, they would never neglect my kitty.  And Goose would not allow himself to be ignored either.

-And before I know it, I’ll be able to go get him.  It will feel like tomorrow.

So I need to clear this worry from my mind and get on with my resolutions.  That’s just all there is to it.  No more time devoted to this.