Archive | September, 2013

I’m Disappointed. . . In Me

30 Sep

hit by train 1It seems when you fail, and keeping failing that there’s a cross-roads.  Take some large action to un-do and reverse, or easier–just let go and drop the rest of the way down.  September was kind of like that for me.  OK, I wrote this dreary kind of self-punishing post last week.  Since I have re-evaluated.  I think September was a case of needing balance.  I oscillated between being much too easy on myself, then much too hard.  A person can only be ultra-disciplined for so long before they wear out.  And when I wore out, I relaxed.  But too much, because the relaxing had been so put off and the discipline was so strict that I needed MORE relaxing–see a pattern?  Finally, I did too.  So I’ll edit some of the more bleak/tough on myself aspects of this one, knowing that in October I need more of an even split between discipline and relaxation.

Water.  None.  Probably in the whole month, I drank no water.  When I do it makes me have to pee–which my schedule just doesn’t allow for.  Or it disrupts my sleep.  What to do?  I guess, because this goal is important to me I need to find a way.  Water, helps you still hydrated, which keeps you looking younger and feeling better.  It helpsKidron's post b-day pics 033 fill your stomach so you don’t feel as hungry.  It’s better than drinking other things.  But when to do it?  Let’s see, I suppose I could drink, drink, drink at work in the mornings–as long as I stop when work ends at 10 AM so I can make it through class.  Then, immediately after class (but no later) drink some more.  OK, I will go back to giving this an honest effort.  Maybe today at Costco I’ll get some sort of legit water bottle or thermos instead of using the 6 mo old Gatorade bottle that I have at work. . .  I totally got a cute, non-spill thermos-type cup for work/school water-drinking purposes!  I’ll report back in October and we’ll see if it helped.

Running.  I have good intentions.  I want to–really I do.  But when school becomes a factor there just isn’t any more time.  It takes a back seat to study/work/sleep.  Then, once there’s a gap in track days it becomes almost impossible to get my booty out there.  Add in cold/wet weather and fighting for space at the community college = not happening.  The outside running season is just over.  One day, when I’m rich I’ll either have a gym in my house or a membership.  For now–I resign myself to let this one slip in the interest of grades.  What I will do is study my flashcards (per the usual) at a FASTER speed on the treadmill.  I always study on the treadmill to kill two birds, but usually at 3.0-3.5.  I’ll make an effort to ramp up the intensity.  Also, I can try to jog on the treadmill while Cool quizzes me or during a show.  Thirdly, I can still do a little Wii-Fit, clogging, stretching, or intervals here & there.  I was pretty good this weekend about also climbing hills and walking fast when Cool and I were watching horror movies (we love fall).  Except, the belt gets really hot on my bare feet so I’m pretty sure this treadmill is about to die 😦  Hopefully without catching fire or burning somebody badly before it does.  I don’t know which is worse, having to buy a new Craigslist treadmill or carrying this one down the stairs and a new one up the stairs. . .  Oh treadmill, please hold out for 2 more years.

Work.  I will stop being so nervous.  That’s all.  If they do revert my schedule, I know what I have to do.  And that’s all.  I can’t constantly worry and try to accomplish the work of three people to prove my “worth” to them.  It’s telling when our receptionist gets a big basket of flowers after her dog’s euthanasia (Sloppy = nothing) and the newer tech gets balloons and donuts (me = nothing for 3 years) for her birthday.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need for these people to like me or anything, and want to take the personal out of work all-together–it’s just telling of their attitudes towards me, that’s all.  And regarding my work ethic and schedule:  If they don’t know by now that I’m a worthy employee, well then they will just never know, and no action on my part will convince them.  Time to let the finger take over for me on this one. . .  Re-edit = true story and I’m letting go and letting God because this is too much for me to carry around all the time.

Money.  The one good thing about feeling like I have to do extra just to stay in place at work, is that it garners me anti-facebookmore hours.  And more $$$$$  However, now that my undergrad loan ran out of payment options and I MUST pay an extra $200 a month, I’m a little worried about the health insurance I’m also now forced to get.  What happened to “free” health care for everyone?  This was not what I voted for!  I really have to make time to research all this insurance crap so I don’t get into trouble financially.  One.  More.  Thing.  I looked into some options, though I’m ignorant of all the jargon and terminology.  I make too much money (how is that even possible?) for Medicaid.  There’s some alternate (low-income, I think?) option for Medicaid rejects, and in trying to take the screening to see if I qualified for that, I may or may not have signed myself up for some catastrophe insurance that really is no different from the no coverage I have now–except if I’m hit by a bus.  What.  a.  Waste.  What happened to all employers paying for this?!

Drinking.  In the month, there has only been a handful of special occasions when I have partaken.  Except, the DMB TXamounts were not great.  I need to moderate both the instances and quantities.

Cool.  Still dealing with medication/memory issues.  Had a melt-down just yesterday.  We have to help her remember to take all her meds when she is supposed to take them.  Hopefully, we can work out a more reliable system for doing that.  We love fall though, and are excited for Green Bluff, scary movies, and Halloween.  So there’s a motivator to get on, and stay on the right track.  Also, I’m home with her more often now that my schedule has changed, so I can help remind more often.

School.  I slipped a little.  If not just in my mentality.  I still went through all the same motions, but IN my head CI 10school was just a little lower priority then it should have been.  I am reformed and straightened out now.  Work doesn’t matter.  Fun is on the back burner.  School is what’s going to move my life along toward my ultimate goals and I am back in it whole-heartedly.  I even worked ahead a little yesterday.  I’ll get more ahead this weekend.  But not too hard-core to where I need a huge break.  I’m going to do study things daily, per the usual, but I can squeeze in an hour of relaxation too.  More balance is called for to break the pattern I’m in.

Food.  When I’m studying and bored or when I’m tired and stressed–it’s really easy to over-do it.  Then, when there’s no time to grocery shop and plan ahead like I should I do things like polish off an entire box of wheat Thins (or Doritoes) in one sitting.  I don’t want to do that.  This makes me crazy, and once you do it–makes it that much easier to do it again.  Food is a slippery slope.  And I have absolutely no In between seasons 024self-control.  I need to go to Grocery Outlet–with a list–at least every other week.  And cook things that are at least neutral, if not healthy.  We went grocery shopping, with a list, yesterday.  And I treadmilled after eating my yummy crock-pot taco unhealthiness.  So I felt OK about it.  Now to get out of my jammies and to the Grocery Outlet EVERY week. . .

I did however, do a great job flossing every day.  I guess I just need to remember my biggest goals and plug away at those.  I need to see that even one slip-up doesn’t have to mean letting go of the aspiration entirely.  Stop being perfectionist, because it is counter-productive right now.  [And it makes me need to chill out later–too much] I’m hopeful about establishing more neutrality with a balance of both responsibility and fun next month.

rainbow 4 (2)

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It’s Not What You Think

27 Sep

I don’t know what is more scary–the fact I got this brochure at the Spokompton Fair–or the fact there were many enthusiastic people staffing their booth.  Produced by Heritage House, I find the contents ignorant, and. . .  Well, let’s just leave it at ignorant.


On the Front:

“Planned Parent Hood (sic) It’s not what you think”  picture of a snake on a bouquet of pink flowers.  “Lantana.  The beauty of this flower is known for attracting children, but then it causes poisoning and death when eaten.”

Quotes w/in:

“It’s all about abortion.”

-“First and foremost Planned Parenthood is all about aborting children.”

-“Abortions were performed 98.6% of the time.”

“It’s all about Money.”

-“As a non-for-profit. . .  34% of this billion dollars came from you, the taxpayer.”

-“Income from abortions total in the $190,000,000 range.”

“It’s all about Sex.”

-“You teen can view informative videos showing how to put on a condom!”

-“A lot of teens choose to skip intercourse and practice outercourse instead, which can include kissing and                body rubbing.”

“It’s all about Deception.”

-“Every year, nearly 25,000 affiliate volunteers and staff provide sexual and reproductive health care,            education, and information to nearly 5 million women, men, and teens in the U.S.!”

feminism is necessary

Gasp!  Providing information and health care?!  Unbelievable.  I won’t even justify this mis-information and scare-tactics with any response.  You can look at higher, legitimate sources–cited and substantiated, of course–for yourself and come to your own conclusions.  My thoughts–education can never, never be a bad thing.

Cheryl Miller = Inspiration

26 Sep

Cheryl put her trash-talking brother, Reggie to shame all of their lives.  Sure, he got more hype by virtue of being in the NBA and having Spike Lee squabble with him, but Cheryl was a superior player and role model for women:

1981 Dial Award for HS player of the year

6th all-time scoring record in NCAA w/3,018 points

1982, became of one of the five female HS players ever to score over 100 points in a game, scoring 105 points against Norte Vista.  Making Miller 3rd highest HS female points scorer in history.

3rd all-time NCAA rebounder w/1534

College player of the year (3x)

1984 U.S. BB Olympic gold medal

1986 she was drafted for US BB League (a men’s league)

1993-1995 USC BB coach w/42-14 record

Coached 4 seasons of WNBA Mercury, going to play-offs once

1995 BB hall of fame

1996 she was the first female TV analyst to call a nationally televised game

1999 Women’s BB hall of fame

I think it’s awesome to see a female that can out-play the dudes.  She paved the way for Sue Bird and other WNBA stars that are amazing and elevate women’s basket ball as well as women’s sports, and females in general.  This story makes me excited to own my Komodo Dragons WNBA team one day when I’m a billionaire 😉

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Trying to be Perfect

25 Sep

I’m putting a huge amount of pressure on myself.  For school, since I effed up and skipped an entire multi-part question of the exam (that I totally knew, and probably would have gotten full points for!), largely due to pre-test shenanigans, I feel like I have to buckle-down extra hard.  I’m studying at 4 AM, after work and before class, and after class until 8 PM–only taking breaks to eat, work, and sleep.  But the pressure doesn’t end there.  I’m normally a fairly effective employee at work–but I’m trying to take it to an even higher level since my schedule changed.

BECAUSE all my co-workers and the doctor(s?) hate it, and hate me as a result.  So I’m trying to do the work of multiple people in order to prove to everyone that a)  I’m not a lazy $hit-head b)  the new system is helpful & worthwhile and c)  I should get to keep this new schedule–please let me keep it!

I so badly want to remain on the schedule that I’m pushing myself to get to work by 5:30 AM so I can prep charts for the receptionist, do all the cleaning, finish all the laundry, re-stock all drawers, PLUS at least one big cleaning/organization job, tend to the house-cats and plants, take vitals and medicate and clean all hospitalized patients, type up all the hospitalize notes for the doctors, set up the I-131 room for the week, and set up for surgeries and drop-offs and to-go-homes for that current day.  I aim to get this done before anyone else comes in 7-7:30 AM.  It’s a lot of stuff in a short amount of time.  And I’m rushing to do it–I want everyone to walk in and see EVERYthing is already done for them, so I’m really killing myself to do it.  Mostly so I can keep this schedule.  I’m almost sure that everyone will vote that the change doesn’t work and revert me to my old, horribly stressful schedule.

Except, as you know (and I know) perfection is impossible.  I’m running myself a little ragged, and I’m not sure anyone even notices all the cleaning and prep work I’m accomplishing, and–I get pretty tired early on and don’t get to leave til 10 AM.  Of course today, I ran into trouble over it–which was bound to happen sooner or later.  I was working on a task, and before I was finished the doctor hustled over to check my critical patient.  What she was doing was important, and my mind wandered to that–derailing me.  Stupidly, I dropped the task and waited for her to evaluate the cat so I could resume.  I guess my tiredness, forgetfulness, and general stress about doing EVERYthing got to me, and as she was there for quite awhile–I forgot to finish my task.  I wandered off to finish something a co-worker had started, which ironically, annoyed me a great deal.  Why can’t people finish what they start?!

So of course, this unfinished task of mine was ultra-important and could have had dire consequences.  Someone else caught it, luckily.  I felt terrible and ashamed.  It’s not like I tried to forget or didn’t think anything would come of it–I’m just so worried about doing everything and being perfect that I made a big mistake.  So I felt sad it had happened, stressed about the mentality that had lead up to it, and super-frustrated that instead of looking like an awesome worker deserving of my new post as I had intended, I looked like the worst, most untrustworthy loser ever.  What made it worse was that I got lectured in front of coworkers (of course, and per the usual) which totally sucked.  Add on that I was stigmatized and embarrassed.

Moral of the story–Though I’m trying to do more work than one person can do alone, I need to remember the patients come FIRST.  Everything else takes a back-seat to the kitties.  But I also hope everyone’s anger at my schedule change blows over quickly so I can just work at my normal-fast speed instead of hyper-fast crazy-early speed.

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Exam [continuation of multi-part story]

20 Sep

We just left my crazy morning frenzy.

I had to work in the morning, then my boss let me borrow her own watch for my exam–thank goodness.  And I felt extremely tired, but not nodding off or anything like that.  My professor had told us she really liked numbers.  That we ought to know all these statistics and incidence percentages and ratios and decimals she was giving us:  3-5% of at risk babies with HL; 3:1,000 well babies w/HL; 5.7 in 1000 of all babies with HL; 35% of those 65 yrs and up w/HL; 16-19 million working adults age 20-64 w/HL; etc, etc. etc. . .  She even took the (ample) time in class to have us scratch out the numbers printed on the power-point to give us the most recent data based on the newest census.  So I studied them–under protest because I think you can always look up the most current data online–no need to memorize irrelevant things.  But I did–and that still wasn’t asked on the test >-[  I wrote it in where ever I could so all that studying didn’t go to waste.

And when all was said and done, after my terrible weekend of non-studying, interrupted sleep, and awful morning–I got 103/108 on the thing.  I actually wonder what I missed–I felt like I aced it.  If intertragal notch is intra or something I could have messed that up.  Or I tend to make stupid errors–maybe my fatigue contributed to a skipped question or something. . .  I’ll have to look on Monday.

Did that seem a little anti-climactic after a 3-part intro?  Maybe it was.  I’m sorry, I’m a little tired.

You see, my problem day (everyone else’s that is) of my new schedule was today.  I was supposed to set them up for the morning and leave at 10 AM.  And I wanted everyone to see how valuable that is–even though they’re all mad about it now.  I didn’t want to leave anything undone for anyone to gripe about–and especially so my schedule doesn’t revert “because it doesn’t work.”  So it was of the utmost importance that I get to work early, clean, prep files and cages, take and type in the vitals, do the house cats–everything so that when everyone else came in all they had to do was the stuff coming in on Friday’s schedule.

Except my plan was derailed in a major way when work texted and said the power would be turned off from 5-7 AM.  That’s my go-time!  I would never get everything accomplished if I couldn’t start until 7. . .  What ever was I going to do???  I stressed out, tossed and turned, worried.  Do I go in late and not get anything done and give everyone more reason to be mad and complain about the schedule change?  Finally, I decided I would go in at the early time anyway.  I would do all the stuff. . .  By flashlight.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I got to work at 5:30 AM and cleaned the floors and both bathrooms, cleaned upstairs and medicated the house cats, took vitals on the hospitalized buddy and medicated and cleaned his kennel, restocked and watered–by flashlight and in the dark.  No one can say I’m a lazy slacker who doesn’t care enough about work, making the business suffer. . .  So needless to say it’s 7:24 PM and I’m going to bed.

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My Morning Jacket

19 Sep

Had to be a lucky one.  My new Dave Matthews Band one I got at the Gorge to be specific.

Here’s why:

I wake up at 3:50 AM very tired (that’s expected) having to pee.  It’s worse to get caught in the middle of a sleep cycle, and there’s no sense in going back to sleep for 10 min so I wake myself up.  But I wait until 4 to go to the living room to study–because any earlier is insane-o-clock.  The cats look unusually sleepy.  The microwave says 3:08.  Did the power go out during last night’s storm and mess up the setting?  VCR says 3:11.  Uh oh.  My computer confirms 3:11.  I’m up at crazy-o-clock.  I look at my bedroom alarm clock–and it does indeed say 4:13 AM.  Somehow, it is set on Mountain time, not Pacific.  Groan.  What a way to start my exam day–an unintentinal hour earlier then REALLY early.  I can’t go back to sleep now, so I go to the kitchen for lots of coffee hoping I won’t be too tired before or during my exam.

Lifting the already-made pot, I begin to pour it in my tall mag.  There are circles on the top. . .  What is. . .  *sigh* it’s mold.  Of course.  The coffee is all moldy and I’m really too tired to make a brand new batch–besides the coffee grinder would wake poor cool–at 3 AM.  This morning is really starting to suck.

I attempt to study, but feel tired.  I don’t know how I’ll get through work and make it to my exam, let along take the thing with clear mind.  Not great–especially after inadequate weekend studying.  I can never get away with anything!  One weekend of being a little unbuckled and I’m paying a big price with bad morning karma to boot.  I’m in trouble.

I shower, dress, and look for my watch.  The 6th watch purchased this year.  The only one that hasn’t broken after a week or less.  It’s not in its proper spot.  Did I leave it in my travel-caboodle?  No.  Unpacked and empty.  Is it in my toiletries?  Nope–all is neatly put in their boxes lined on the shelves.  Did it fall into my duffel during the drive home?  Nope.  Empty, unpacked, and stowed in the closet.  I’m rooting around, growing later and later for work.  Damn!  Where is my watch?!  Not only will I need it for test-pacing purposes–I need it all day at work.  I text my boss even though it’s getting close to starting time at work and ask if she saw my watch.  No answer so I’m freaking out.  I constantly have to count heart rates and respirations as well as keep an eye on what appointment is coming, or what time surgery vitals should be recorded.  I’ll be lost without my watch–not to mention have to replace another one if it truly is gone.

–>–>There it is my horrible, pre-exam night and morning!  Good luck to me on the test *sarcasm*

Final edition:  THE exam.

Rule #2 of Test-Taking: Restful Sleep [pre-exam]

18 Sep

–>In case you were wondering–I just finished all that Aural Rehab reading (+hunt-n-peck outline) I had accidentally neglected.  I am super-tired, because I thought it best to start at 3:30 AM before work.  The 166 pages I had to do took 5.5 hours, which was done in 3 sessions.  I’m reformed and paying utmost attention from here on out!

skull 1

So to resume my story of my first Hearing & Hearing Disorders Exam:

Other than preparation, a restful night’s sleep is the most important thing for an exam.  Though my weekend was a little unstructured, I went to bed at 7:45 PM Sunday in order to get back on track and wake up at 4 AM Monday to study before work.  Good intentions. . .  No, not that–I was in fact able to fall asleep and stay asleep (getting up in the 4’s is helpful in that respect).  I slept until 10 PM-ish.PSYCHOLINGUISTICS

Then, there was a noise (maybe), a door being closed (I was still between sleep & alert).  What aroused me was the bathroom light on, and bathroom door wide open.  Cool was just sitting there, acting all weird.  When I tried to find out what was going on, Cool wasn’t answering questions, but she looked a little frenetic.  Here’s my best attempt at a conversational recap:

Me:  Why do you need the light on?

Cool:  Sorry

Me:  Can’t you at least close the door–you know I have my first exam tomorrow. . .  What are you doing, anyway?

Cool:  Nothing.  Go back to sleep.

Me:  Why is the bedroom door closed–were the cats being naughty?

Cool:  Silence

Me:  Were the cats into something?

Cool:  mumble

Me:  Are they OK now, did they make some sort of noise like du-du-du-du

Cool:  *body-shutters when I make the noise*

Cool:  *running across room in hysterical tears hugging me*  You heard it too?  I thought it was in my head.

Me:  *realizing this behavior in a little impractical & excessive*  Did you take your meds?

Cool:  *ignoring my question*  It was changing my dreams!

Me:  I was half asleep–What was it?

Cool:  *scared, eyes wide, trembling*  I thought I was hallucinating–it’s out there!

Me:  *confused, & growing worried, looking at the closed door*  What?  What’s going on?!

Cool:  *crying, hysterical, in a panic*  Don’t go out there!

Me:  *summoning up my courage to face whatever is on the other side of the door*

Cool:  No–don’t!

So I open the door expecting an intruder to have climbed the tree outside and be doing crazy things in our living tommy gunroom.  In the dark, I first heard a loud roaring noise.  Then I saw that Goose was sitting there calmly looking at me.  So it couldn’t be anything too terrible.  Next, I saw Choco-Luv was sitting in front of the slider, calmly watching the crazy weather.  It took me a moment to see that the wind was blowing exceptionally hard outside (like a literal 60 mph) and the sliding glass door was open a crack.  I strode across the room and closed it–seeing a brown haze obscuring visibility of the street and river outside.  Was it hailing?  Snowing?  It looked. . .  Brown.  It was dust.

Cool initially thought the alarms were sinister and getting her.            Side-note~That’s sad and stressful to me/us, but if you don’t laugh you cry, right?  These moods and medications are something we’ll have to deal with for life, so might as well see the humor.             ~She thought she was having DMB Eugenesome sort of manic audio-hallucination and going insane. . .  We found out our new carbon monoxide detector has a non-beeping warning alarm that is set off by too much dust or humidity or something–the weather conditions outside apparently.

Anyway, Cool is resuming her double anxiety pill that she had halved, and my sleep was. . .  Let’s just say disrupted before my big exam.

Next up–exam bad, bad, bad morning, then the exam itself.

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Exam-Sham [Prelude]

17 Sep

Today I am back on track.  I woke up early, studied like I should, worked productively, ran at the track (it hurrt after 13 missed track-runs!), made study sheets, walked to class while studying flashcards, rewrote my notes, and read/outlined.   A perfect motivation day–not without much struggle to actually DO the things.  I’m not gonna lie–it was hard to buckle down, and I wanted to cheat several times–and almost did when time to run was facing me.  But I pulled through–as I will do for the rest of the semester.  But back to my shenanigans.

I’m having to read and outline 4 textbook chapters in one afternoon/night for next week’s impending exam in my more difficult course.  The syllabus has no dates for exams or assignments, but it does include the reading.  Except there’s an optional book on reserve on the library to confuse the issue.  I had read/outlined chap 1,2,3,4,9,11 and thought that was certainly all that was required in the first month of school.  I found out chapters 5,6,7,8 are also supposed to be read in that time.  That’s more than 451 pages of 12 font textbook type to wade through in 4 weeks!  More then 16 pages/week.  I think that’s right–I may be off since I just spent 3 straight hours reading and outlining hunt-&-peck style. . .  It seems a little insane, but I’m just glad I’m finding out why I’ve grown increasingly confused and frustrated during lecture.  This was due to a weirdly written syllabus and my own inability to read it–not irresponsibility–that’s coming up.

Anyway, here’s what contributed to this snafuu I’m in:

My first exam in my hearing anatomy class was Monday–worst day possible for a test since I have to work, go to school, then back to work.  And instead of studying like I feel comfortable with, everything was a lot.  Less.  I felt/feel guilty because that’s not the mentality I want-or the actions I would like to take.  I’m not an all-talk phony, I do really want that 4.0.  This was all very contrary to my overall goals.  That is not to say I didn’t study.  Don’t get me wrong–I always make flashcards directly after class and I study them at least daily, if not more.  And I had also drawn many figures for both a graded project and my personal study use.  And Cool quizzed me several times over the 4 days I took for the weekend.  It just wasn’t as much un-inturrupted, individual study as normally makes me feel confident.

And the short version (because I’m fatigued at staring at this screen and need to go to bed early in order to wake up at 4AM and study) of why my studying was neglectful–in list form:



stress, stress, stress!  Gossip, drama, confrontations.  More.  Stress.  Possible schedule change.

pug x 3


Satellite TV, free wine and beer, and many animals wanting attention and care.  Add in a commute that shaves off 30 min of study time each direction.



Tickets that had to be used so that money wouldn’t go to waste.  Last weekend meant it was go or lose the (pre-paid) price of admission.

Tomorrow:  I’ll write about my pre-exam night of rest.

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The Grass Is. . . Brown and Wilted

16 Sep

Here’s an old draft to tide you over, my patient audience.  Exam 1 is finished so hopefully, all this crazy in my life will settle and I’ll be more consistent.  I have a doozy of a post very soon!

OK, I’m having a rough time at work.  And the more I’m there, the more I generally do.  But who am I to complain?  Things could be a LOT worse!  Here is a list of jobs that are far worse than mine:

Coal Mining:

-sure, it’s -$60,000-100,000 for work inside the mines, but

-Dangerous!  Life threatening

-long (min 1 hr) commute

-no sun 6 days a week
-can’t see 4″ in front of face
-20 degrees colder
1.5 mi down below surface
-shovel coal for 8 hr days
-no scheduled lunch break–10 min lunch
-coal dust + methane released = 1 spark is a dangerous explosion

-unscrupulous companies that save money by forgoing safety features.
-blk lumgs

-no retirement plan or sick leave when you get black lung and it’s not safe to be exposed to the mines anymore.

Poultry Farm:


-long hours


-hot (birds need about 80 degree temps)


-a main job is walking through and picking up dead bird bodies

-must work fast

Migrant Farm Worker:

-no stability

-seasonal work

-direct sun for hours

-skin cancer

-being hunched over for hours



-at the mercy of weather

-long, long hours


-no benefits

-no regulations/standards

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14 Sep

It’s what actions you take when people are looking–and when nobody knows.  I wish it were easy for me.  When backed into a corner I feel like I fail.  I wish I could be an upstanding person that displays ethics and integrity at all times.  I crack under pressure.  If a gossipy person backs me into a corner I don’t know what to do.  I may contribute to gossip and drama–but only because I’m honest–not a fake-a$$ bit(h.

When someone insinuates I’m a bad person it infuriates me.  I never considered myself to be a person with an anger problem.  Or overly-emotional.  But apparently, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It’s a surprise to me–and not something I’m proud of.  I have no poker face and no ability to make my life easier by lying.  I won’t lie.  I’m not that person–even if untruths make it easier on me.  I don’t want to play into drama, and I’m never phony.

I just wish people would see I’m loyal, have ethics, and want to make things work out. . .  It’s exhausting when people are phony, aggressive, insinuate I’m bad, treat me like a $hit-head, coerce me, get in my face.  I’m torn–this stuff makes me feel terrible, preoccupies my mind when I should be thinking about exam #1, makes me disgruntled, makes me want to quit. . .  Don’t treat me like some sort of lazy-looser.  I’m not a loser, and I’m hardly lazy.  That’s that last word I would use to describe myself.  And I resent it when people that should know better allude to that,  I’m loyal and hard-working to a fault.  Look at my record.  Nothing lazy there.  I wouldn’t be here if I was.  I’m scared and mad and over it.

I guess that’s all–what do I do?  I guess “the finger” will point the way.  And if I have to move on, so be it.  No more nightmares, no more stress, no more anxiety.  I’m done.