Integrity–

14 Sep

It’s what actions you take when people are looking–and when nobody knows.  I wish it were easy for me.  When backed into a corner I feel like I fail.  I wish I could be an upstanding person that displays ethics and integrity at all times.  I crack under pressure.  If a gossipy person backs me into a corner I don’t know what to do.  I may contribute to gossip and drama–but only because I’m honest–not a fake-a$$ bit(h.

When someone insinuates I’m a bad person it infuriates me.  I never considered myself to be a person with an anger problem.  Or overly-emotional.  But apparently, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It’s a surprise to me–and not something I’m proud of.  I have no poker face and no ability to make my life easier by lying.  I won’t lie.  I’m not that person–even if untruths make it easier on me.  I don’t want to play into drama, and I’m never phony.

I just wish people would see I’m loyal, have ethics, and want to make things work out. . .  It’s exhausting when people are phony, aggressive, insinuate I’m bad, treat me like a $hit-head, coerce me, get in my face.  I’m torn–this stuff makes me feel terrible, preoccupies my mind when I should be thinking about exam #1, makes me disgruntled, makes me want to quit. . .  Don’t treat me like some sort of lazy-looser.  I’m not a loser, and I’m hardly lazy.  That’s that last word I would use to describe myself.  And I resent it when people that should know better allude to that,  I’m loyal and hard-working to a fault.  Look at my record.  Nothing lazy there.  I wouldn’t be here if I was.  I’m scared and mad and over it.

I guess that’s all–what do I do?  I guess “the finger” will point the way.  And if I have to move on, so be it.  No more nightmares, no more stress, no more anxiety.  I’m done.

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