It’s what actions you take when people are looking–and when nobody knows. I wish it were easy for me. When backed into a corner I feel like I fail. I wish I could be an upstanding person that displays ethics and integrity at all times. I crack under pressure. If a gossipy person backs me into a corner I don’t know what to do. I may contribute to gossip and drama–but only because I’m honest–not a fake-a$$ bit(h.
When someone insinuates I’m a bad person it infuriates me. I never considered myself to be a person with an anger problem. Or overly-emotional. But apparently, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s a surprise to me–and not something I’m proud of. I have no poker face and no ability to make my life easier by lying. I won’t lie. I’m not that person–even if untruths make it easier on me. I don’t want to play into drama, and I’m never phony.
I just wish people would see I’m loyal, have ethics, and want to make things work out. . . It’s exhausting when people are phony, aggressive, insinuate I’m bad, treat me like a $hit-head, coerce me, get in my face. I’m torn–this stuff makes me feel terrible, preoccupies my mind when I should be thinking about exam #1, makes me disgruntled, makes me want to quit. . . Don’t treat me like some sort of lazy-looser. I’m not a loser, and I’m hardly lazy. That’s that last word I would use to describe myself. And I resent it when people that should know better allude to that, I’m loyal and hard-working to a fault. Look at my record. Nothing lazy there. I wouldn’t be here if I was. I’m scared and mad and over it.
I guess that’s all–what do I do? I guess “the finger” will point the way. And if I have to move on, so be it. No more nightmares, no more stress, no more anxiety. I’m done.
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