Imposter

25 Oct

I have been slowly working on my monthly goal accountability blog.  And to be honest, I don’t even want to write it.  I somehow feel like a failure.  Even though when I look at each item, I’m actually improving in most areas.  BUT I have this nagging feeling lately.  Just that I’m not doing enough–or in the right mind-set or something.  I mean, I AM studying and working and doing all the things–but feel like this semester I have a different mentality like my effort is not quite whole-hearted.  But it’s not really a clear-cut feeling or thing.  This post is confusing, because I am confused.

I have calmed down a little?  I’m not as intense?  Do I care less–No, that’s not really it.  I care a great deal about getting the 4.0, learning the info long-term, and getting accepted in a program–in Colorado.  And accomplishing all the smaller goals that will help make that ultimate goal happen.  I can’t quite put my finger on it–maybe it’s just a guilt complex.  Or maybe I need to commit more of myself.  I don’t know why this is, but I never feel it’s enough.  Am I tired or burnt out?

So that’s where I am.  My grades are not any worse.  I’m still doing all the things I need to do.  And I still spend much of my time studying.  Maybe I just feel. . .  Less stressed.  Because of my new work schedule and all.  And I had become accustomed to a constant low-level of anxiety at all times.  Yeah, maybe that’s the difference–I’m not constantly in crises mode now that my work schedule isn’t awful on my psyche. . .

It’s weird that I still feel sorta guilty that I’m not.  Stressed that is. . .  I don’t know what I’m not doing.  Do I feel guilty because I’m not super-stressed out and panicked?  Because something is nagging at me, and I’m still not certain what that thing is.

How mysterious and ambiguous a post this became–and to think, initially I was going to write about how I don’t really care for soup.

 

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