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Shame, Shame, Shame–Full Disclosure

1 Nov

Another post that I do not WANT to write.  But it needs to be done.  No matter who sees it.  Writing this will put it out there and hold me accountable.

I intend to quit drinking all-together.  Like done.  

Here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back:  Cool and I wanted to celebrate Halloween–our favorite holiday.  Except I had an exam fairly late in the day.  So I studied all day prior to the exam, and took the exam at 2PM until 3:15 PM. Cool had taken the night off work this year and she wanted to go to a restaurant dressed in our costumes.  She was a banana and I was a butterfly.  And we were so, so responsible!  We wanted a drink at the resturant and knew on Halloween there would be drunk drivers, kids walking around, and police enforcement–not the best driving scene.  So we cabbed it.  Which was super-expensive at $42 round trip 😦

Halloween 2013 039

Anyway, so I had my first drink close to 4 PM.  Oh, and I had eaten a really filling skillet-scramble prior to my exam so this was on a pretty full stomach.  At the restaurant we shared a boneless wings meal also.  I never intended to get drunk, and don’t remember being drunk.  I knew full well that I had to work before the crack of dawn the next morning.  There was never a time when I thought–hmm maybe this drink isn’t the best idea.  And I didn’t drink any different amount then I usually do, but I guess it must have been a shorter span of time.

Because, when I woke up at 5AM I felt pretty rough.  But I got up, poured my normal coffee, and got water too and went through my normal morning routine figuring with hydration and caffeine I’d be set to go to work.  But maybe I drank all the liquid too fast, or the coffee was a bad idea.  Because as I sat there I began to feel worse.  But I have never, never, never missed responsibilites for drinking reasons, so I fully intended on going to work–knowing I might drag my way through the 4 short hours.  But then I felt terrible.  Like headache, dizzy, touchy belly–just full on horrible-hangover feelings I suppose.  And I stood up to start packing my backpack for work–and had the spins so bad I had to immediately sit back down.  I was really bad-off.

How could I go to work.  I couldn’t even stand, let alone drive–or actually work.  And I have never called in sick to this job in 3(?) years, I’ve only called in sick at all 3 prior times in my life.  And of course, today I was supposed to work with the doctor that now hates me and treats me badly, so I didn’t want to give her a legit reason not to like me.  But I just couldn’t pull through.  So I had to text everyone telling them I was sick–knowing full well on November 1st they would know I was hungover.  And that it would look bad.  And that it was bad and messy.

I feel ashemed, embarrassed, and sloppy.  That is not the person I am, and I can’t let that happen again.  So I think it’s best if me and alcohol part ways.  Yes, forever–not just as hang-over regret.  When drinking consequences bleed over into my work life, who knows where they would head next.  I don’t want to find out.  And I’m torn–I will probably need support and it’s no secret, but I’m hesitant to announce it too.  Because I don’t want to put any name to it, or have anyone make a huge deal about it or treat me like some kind of junkie.  I guess I can decide about that later.  I’m just better off without drinking, that’s all.

BUT–logistics!  We have all this really hard to find ice-wine in the house.  4 bottles?  And I don’t want to waste them.  I won’t do that.  So even though I have resolve to quit now, I think I will finish those first.  But then, for reals–especially now that I’ve typed and posted this–I’m done.