Disingenuine (a non-poem)

24 Dec

I have used that title for a blog post before (in 2007?) but I think it’s appropriate today.  I read that poem, and though it’s total Douch-baggery to say, I think it’s good.  It still conveys my emotions about the time, and that person really well.  This one is not a poem, but a scenario.  One that made me feel disappointed and. . .  bad.  Not angry, but bad (for lack of better word).  Also, bare with me, because I’m really tired, so quality on this isn’t going to be outstanding.

Work.  Yes, that again.  These trouble never really go away, do they?  I suppose until I finish my education and AZ gatormove on with my life, they never will.  I was asked to work 2 additional hours today, which I did.  And I went in early to do processor chem.  While I was doing all the washing, chemicals, and horribleness that is processor chem, my boss comes near me and says, “I left something from the clinic in your shoe.”  That was it.  No “Merry Christmas!”, no “I hope you have a happy holiday!”, no “We thought we would do something nice for all your hard work.”  The whole thing felt forced to me.  An obligation.  I got the feeling my boss saw a Christmas tid-bit as some sort of job that HAD to be done, and that she wasn’t terribly excited about–maybe even–what’s the word–not quite put-out or stressed, but something that was an effort and that she didn’t really want to do or love doing.

The gift doesn’t really matter–this post isn’t about the fact I was down-graded, no doubt because I’ve left Forster-my x-mas 11Fridays.  It was the SPIRIT of the gift-giving I had a problem with.  I almost gave it back, but thought that would create drama, which isn’t my goal.  Getting the gift, made me feel icky, no happy or joyful or appreciative.  And that just isn’t the point, is it?  I felt like I had caused. . .  Hardship–that’s not quite right either.  I told you I’m tired.  I felt like if they didn’t have the right intentions behind the gift, then they shouldn’t have given it at all.

I had given everyone at work personalized, home-made, thoughtful gifts the last 2 years.  Because that’s who I normally am as a person.  I’m actually very thoughtful and thankful–this has just sapped all of that out of me. birch trees on Mars-upright All the baggage at work has made me more standoffish–and who could blame me?  The way they have treated me. . .  But this Christmas, because I did not feel the same good will and cheerful intent, I didn’t get any of them anything.  And not out of meanness, or drama, but becuase I didn’t feel it.  You should ony do nice things if your heart is actually in the right place.  I don’t wish them ill-will, but I’m fairly indifferent now, due to the past.  I think they should have done the same, if they didn’t really want to give me anything.  After all, employment is a contract.  I work, they pay me, we don’t OWE each other any more then that–certainly not Christmas cheer or presents.

I’m not going to whatever dinner they’re planning (in the same, “I have to do this” sort of spirit) in the near Walking about-July 2012 014future.  It was announced as if it was inconveniance, but had to be done.  It was made clear spouses were NOT invited.  And no one ASKED, just informed me to pick a date that would work.  So I have no intention of partaking in that for several reasons:  1.)  It is also disingenuine.  2.)  I do not like, and do not want to spend time with anyone at work–it’s bad enough I have to deal with them AT work.  Life is too short to hang out with people out of obligation and phoniness.  3.)  I do not like going places without Cool.  4.)  I do not like going places.  Or leaving my jammies. Especially if no paycheck or grades are involved and especially, especially since it’s at night and cold outside.  5.)  I’m afraid alcohol would be involved, and I do not want to deal with that scene at all.  I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of going (maybe the idea will fizzle out all-together anyway) without looking bitchy or creating drama, but there is 0% I’m showing up to anything like that.

It’s too bad that all this negativity is occuring around and because of Christmas.  That’s not really what the season is all about.  I’m going to try to forget how sad I am about this deterioration the whole thing, and have a genuinly good time with people who truly love me for who I am–my family:  Cool and the kitties, with a call to my parents in there somewhere.  Maybe I’ll donate the gift card to someone who really needs it, because I have all these bad feelings associated with it now.

 

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