Archive | 4:49 PM

Transformation Proclamation: Behaviors

28 Dec

How do my actions need to change?

I’m a big beliver in the triangle:  Mental, physical, and social.  Most people have a strong side and a weak side.  I don’t feel like I excel in any particular area, but my short side is certainly social.  I’ve never been very great with people-skills.

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I need to remain driven in school.  Keep up (and ahead) on reading.  Review notes immediately after class, and make & study flashcards.  No change, but it was difficult to establish those habits, so I mention them because I fear letting them slip.  I talked about my real mental issues in yesterday’s ME post.  I need to worry less.  I need to control my stress, by letting go of control.  Work is always going to suck.  Cool will be Cool.  Spokompton and I will never quite see eye to eye.  Things won’t always ever be in their proper place.  I need to become more OK with that.  Stress and anxiety is making me too fatigued.  It’s counterproductive, and I need to stop the cycle.

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I have to buckle down and make the hard changes.  Once, I start, maintaining will be easier.  And fixing this, just may help the anxiety, stress, and fatigue that plagues me.

-Try out treadmilling in the morning to see how I like it.  Give it an earnist effort for a length of time.

-Really add produce to every meal.  Now that I’m not buying alcohol, I can afford it.

-Combine studying with walking.

-Just do 10 minutes.  Anyone, even I, can find 10 min in a day to devote to some sort of exercise.

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I don’t want this to matter to my goals, because this really falls last in my priorities.  And it’s my worst.  Social has never been my strong suit, but neglecting it makes my life harder–if not just because other people become awful toward me.  At work, especially, I have pulled back from those people.  They have introduced much stress in my life, routinely make me feel bad, unwanted, and inexperienced, and generally make me oscillate between frustrated and hopeless.  As such, I don’t leave myself vulnerable to them.  I have pretty much shut-off at work.  But that makes it worse for me too, because then they perceive ME as bitchy, cold, and hostile.  So by trying to protect myself, I actually bring resentment and aggression toward me.  It’s a conundrum.  One I don’t know if I even want to fix.  It’s a lot of work.  Maybe I’ll visualize a better way to get through the work day, then just trying to go there and accomplish my job.  Maybe I’ll just bide my time.  We’ll see.  But that’s the thing.  I WISH work could see that I am an ethical, caring, fun, responsible, funny, smart, motivated, loyal, compassionate, sensitive, thoughtful person.  Instead, they see me as amount of hours worked, number of tasks I relieve them of (never enough), and a moody-nusence–I feel very undervalued at my job.

A little bit of a bleak way to end it.  Except I guess that just shows me how important this transformation of myself is to my future.  I am not happy HERE, but that will just help me move on.  And up.  And this provides a good practice area for the real deal.

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