“If It’s Important You’ll Find a Reason…

21 Jan

If not, you’ll find an EXCUSE.”

What a day!  It was my big work evaluation and I was really stressed about it.  Mostly, because I’m never on the same page as my work, so these things never end well for me.  Despite, spending a lot of time (in my head, on here, and on my portion of the eval) thinking about my strengths and weaknesses–I was terrified to go over them with my boss.  I guess just because I didn’t want to be surprised, upset, or disappointed?  I’m not certain why, actually.  I was just. . .  Overwrought.  And it’s never awesome.  I told myself I would not be emotional.  I sad eyeswould remain neutral-faced and professional.  Well, automatically my care bubbles out in the form of teariness/crying grimace-face.  And I’m not the crying type.  Not at all, actually–which makes it all the worse.  The almost-crying stuff is just emotion/nervous energy–not cry baby or sadness.  But it couldn’t be stopped, despite trying to prep myself and visualize calmness beforehand.  And despite deep breathing before and during.  That stuff is not the image I want to convey–but knowing it will happen, and that it’s silly, doesn’t equate with stopping it.  So there I was.  Cool was very entertained by my recap of the event.

Anyway, it went better then I expected, they gave me much the same marks that I gave myself (after MUCH gold-starconsideration) and the first marks I got when I began work in 2010.  And the (verbal) comments were–expected, more pleasant then I thought, and typical.  All three of those things.  And sometimes I’m cynical and think complements are more of a “softening the criticism” leadership strategy then completely truthful, but I’ll take what I can get I guess.  I put 3 such items into my positivity jar also, making a total of 5 great things that have happened in 2014.  [Sidenote–I feel severely underappreciated on  daily basis at work, but 4/5 items in my positivity jar are positive statements from my boss,hmm–perception is funny.]

black_dragonfishI did NOT, however, look at the other doctor’s comments.  Not yet.  We have different philosophies, and I knew whatever she said would more then likely make me upset–and I know they are probably based in simmering resentment over my schedule change.  Maybe I’ll have Cool read them first, and if they’re better then I’m thinking, I’ll look.  And if they are much what I expect, I’ll just file them away–I don’t need a bunch of negativeity, and even MORE bad feelings between that doctor and myself.

And that was a long introduction to say that I’m always looking to improve myself, even if I only present that to myself, in private (and you of course).  Here is WHY my 2014 goals are important for me to accomplish to better my life, which will provide me with more motivation to follow through on the small daily steps in order to master them:

putting on the board

-add in exercise AND produce (subtract bad things)

This is important, because I want to FEEL better.  I want energy, less fatigue, and no health issues.  I love my emotional state when I’m running and abstaining from alcohol as well.  It takes some anxiety away and helps me have a more positive outlook.  Plus, being hot never hurt anyone’s self esteem and feeling strong is a good way to feel.

-have gratitude, say nice things

I under no circumstance want to be phony or an eternal optimist.  That isn’t me–I think it’s OK not to grasshoppercompletely hide the darker sides.  It’s authentic–everyone has that part of themselves and the world isn’t all roses.  That said, there is nothing wrong with nothing small things.  I like that quote about it’s not the person who has least that is the poorest–it’s the person who wants MORE.  And as a go-getter, it’s easy to get bogged down by where I’m going, instead of loving simple pleasures.  This also takes time from worrying, and trains my brain to stop being greedy.
-straighten out my sleep

I hate being tired, feel guilty when I’m dragging and unproductive, and my temperament and emotions are more unruly when my sleep isn’t regulated.  Even though finishing everything by 7PM is a pain sometimes, the next da is ALWAYS better when I do.
-min. extraneous spending and save a small amt $ every paycheck for moving to CO

Because I want out of HERE.  It’s among my most important goals to make a difference in my work and improve my surroundings.
-volunteer

It’s something good people do.  I’m a big believer in giving if you have something to give.  And secondly, that’s where the scholarship money is–community service.  But that’s not the primary reason.
-Judge Cool less and show her more kindness and love

DMB at the Gorge 012Our love is special.  She is one of the only people who truly understands me.  And she tolerates my “stuff” and I love that about her.  We are just meant to be.  It is important to me to convey to her how much I appreciate her and love us, because we get bogged down in reminders, details, and shennanigans.
-Take pride in my appearance: Wear contacts more, use makeup, wear jewelry

Not in a sorostitute, capitalistic way, just as a taking care of myself and caring about myself.  It also shows I care about where I’m going and gives a picture into my health and mental state.  Which is improving all the time.
-worry only 30 min/day (instead of all day & night) AND think positively for at least 10 min/d

Because worry makes me sick inside.  And stressed and tightly wound and unpleasant to be around–for both others and myself.  And I feel 100x better when I don’t worry.  I feel like gratitude is the thing that cancels out worry and I’m on board with that.

rainbow cloud 1

-make a list, grocery shop, cook ahead

This is just better for scheduling, money, and health purposes.  A little planning helps a lot of areas.  The follow through will stop restaurant eating and munchie grabbing.  And when the pantry is stocked I feel like a productive adult, AND it saves valuable study time.
-Don’t over-pluck eye brows.

Emma Watson dark eyebrowsBecause I’m 30 now.  And I have full brows >:-{ It’s happening and I’ll like it and have to work at them less when I work more with nature instead of fighting against it.
-increase eye contact

This not only helps me look less like a suspicious criminal or autistic socially-inept person, but I can see more intent in other people if I look at their eyes.  It instills trust, it’s professional, and it’s a good feeling, mutually.

So as you can tell, I put more effort into some of these than other, more more the afore-mentioned 7 PM bed time then anything.  Maybe I’ll edit a little later, but now I’ve GOT to go.

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