Chely Wright–Another Inspiration

2 Mar

Her documentary really hit home with me.  The internal homophobia, shutting off those feelings, shame, hiding, the fear.  It resonated with me.

The evasive answers to probing questions about the love life. Keeping busy to distract.  Trying to be the best, most ethical person to make up for it.  Rejecting strongly other gay people or masculine women, because feelings of being perceived as guilty by association.  Trying to date men–and not actually feeling anything legit.  Despite trying to.  Detaching and pushing loved ones away, creating distance in relationships, because you have a secret.

Feeling like a coward.  Lying.  To others and myself.  And feeling horrible about it–just ill.

I still fight those feelings.  Which is why this blog isn’t connected to my Facebook.  I want people from my childhood the way they knew me then.  And Chely’s sister is right [she was funny.  I liked her].  Coming out (repeatedly) hurts.  Everyone’s reaction is not going to be what you want.  Which is why I never really formally come out.  I want people to know ME.  And see I’m a good person–not form some perception based on just 1 aspect of who I am.  And you have to be willing to be rejected.  I’m not.  I don’t want to be “forgiven” for something I was born with and can’t fight.  And I don’t want to be hated for it.  I would rather be the sneaky gay who establishes connections under the radar, then after things are cemented–show that the one fact about me–really changes nothing.  I still have fear.  Based from internal homophobia.

rainbow 4 (2)

I’m very thankful for celebrities that come out, because with each one GAY becomes more common, and as such, more accepted.  It’s important for all LGBT (and questioning) youth, especially the ones getting bullied and contemplating suicide.  Sexuality IS everyone’s business for those kids, and all fearful people everywhere who need a role model.

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