A Horrible Feeling: WANT

22 May

My mentality has come a long way in two years.  I wrote this in September 2012, and it really did feel terrible to want material items so much.  It’s the kind of thing you know is a bad character trait, it’s not a helpful feeling, you can be better then that.  But at the same time it’s persistent.  I partially blame our culture.  As a capitalistic country, you cannot get away from advertising–and that does have an effect.  Even if you don’t want it to, it gets in your head and may influence thoughts and behavior.  That’s what advertisements are paid the big buck to do.  And as I look back, it was also because of the ethos at my work.  I worked with women who were focused on the newest Apple product, name brand purses, and the cutest seasonal clothes.  It made me feel compelled–to be the same.

I’m happy to say I’m away from their influence, and even before I was I decided that’s not the person I want to be.  I don’t give an eff about brand names, and have no need to buy the latest fad item because it’s the cool status symbol to have.  That’s not to say I don’t want to buy things and that I’m totally reformed.  I still want boots, and more capris, and to be able to afford to move.  I still covet things.  But I’ve improved from this post.

And I’m happy to say I’m being mindful about focusing on free things like gratitude, nature, and love.  Corny but true.  And it’s making me a better person.  I can go most days, in fact, without spending any money in my checking account.  I was going to say without spending ANY money, but you’d be hard-pressed to do that–I use utilities, eat, drive many days, use stuff.  But I’m not really buying much.  Which is good since I’m still unemployed and needing to conserve funds to move for school in a year.  But this draft was in my blog, so here is that old post, which I am a little ashamed about now:

To WANT.

I don’t want to come across like a spoiled, entitled bitch in the post–though I’m certain that’s what will be conveyed. . .

It all started in the summer.  It was my birthday at the beginning of July.  I had 2 gifts to open the day of–they went together and one bag and a card to open a week later.  And I received nothing on my Amazon wish list.  Not that I don’t appreciate what I did get.  It’s just that—–I want the stuff on my Amazon wish list.

It continued at the beginning of school.  With all the cheap house stuff meant for dorms and school supplies available in stores.  I HAD to buy some things for class, and it made me WANT more.  And I want. . .  Stuff.

But in the summer I knew it was impractical to spend any extra money.  Expecially since my hours will be cut back for school.  And especially when I have bills and necessities to consider.  And now–it’s quite impossible, as I had to pull out an emergency loan for school.  Because my hours at work went part time prior to me having to pay my school deposit/books/school supplies.  And the school dragged its feet so all my loans did not go on forbearance in time to beat this billing cycle.  So I had to pay my biggest undergrad loan.  Anyway, what little money that is in my account is not mine.  So I thought maybe writing down the things I want would relieve some of the agony?  I’m not certain what else to do about this terrible feeling of. . .  Well, greed, I guess.

–Dental appointment/cleaning

–Dave Matthews shirt

–a new backpack

–cute running sneakers

–match-E-match sweats (I found cute maroon ones at the Roxy website)

–a tote for swimming stuff/day trips/car camping/running clothes–I could use it ALL the time

–toothbrush holder b/c we currently use a mug

–sounds weird, but I want to stock up on needfuls so I never have to rush to the busy grocery store when I’m short on cash and have an imprending exam.

–ink!  For the computer because school necessitates a lot of printing.

–shampoo

–highlights to blend the gray–ugh. . .

I guess rather than pining over things I don’t have, and shouldn’t buy all at once, I should look around and be thankful for what I DO have.  I ought to use/wear things I haven’t in awhile.  I also should appreciate PEOPLE and feelings and thing money can’t buy.

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