Youth

11 Feb

I know I’m aging.  I fully realize I’m not a teen or in my twenties anymore.  And I wouldn’t want to be.  I wouldn’t repeat those tumultuous years and mistakes (cough*Douche*couch) if you paid me.

The thing is, aging is sneaky.  I do feel tired a lot.  But it’s because I have this swing shift schedule, I don’t sleep that great.  I can’t nap.  I work 40 paid hours then go home and cook and clean and exercise.  I would be abnormal if I WASN’T tired.

And I knew my face and hair weren’t the same as they used to be.  I mean, the gray.  And the under-eye discoloration.  It’s not awesome, but I didn’t think I looked like an old hag or anything.  Just all the past sun damage, drinking, and lack of water were catching up.

But I never really felt OLD.  In age or in looks.

Until today.  I have been intending to scan in all my photo albums so save space and declutter.  And finally today I had enough energy to do that.  And I was looking at pictures from 2004 to 2006.  It brought up a lot of bad memories, and showed me how I had been struggling.  I was kind of a mess.  And I didn’t want to look at that mess and remember it.  Let alone relive it.  But there were several pictures of me.  And I looked so healthy.  And there was a close up of my face.  Which made me realize for the first time ever–I have lost my youth.

You know when you usually look at pictures and all you see are flaws?  That’s human nature.  Science.  Today, I looked at those pictures from 10-12 years ago and didn’t see flaws.  I saw my youth.  And it made me recognize that thing, that comprises youth is gone.  It wasn’t necessarily any one thing, though my skin was more luminous, my face fuller, and my hair less dull.  That spark has disappeared.

2004 I was 20 yo

And today, at 32 years old was the first time I ever felt that.

rockin the scarf

Not that I’m in crises or anything.  I just wish I could keep my emotional state of now and have the energy and physical characteristics I had in my twenties.  I should listen to that song and wear sunscreen.  Not just at the beginning of the season before my skin has had it’s first burn–> tan.  And not just at the beach.  But, like, 24/7.  And rest more.  And drink more water.  And groom better.

But that’s a lot of work when you’re so tired.

I realize the tone of this post sounds depressed, but it’s not like that at all.  I was mostly started to have the epiphany.  There will be no mid-life crises here.  I will age gracefully.

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