Archive | 3:24 PM

Loyalty and Fear [part 2-ish]

6 Mar

Also a post from years ago that I never posted.  I reaffirms I didn’t get out of the field lightly.  I agonized.  But I ultimately did it because I was giving my everything and people still treated me–just politely.  They acknowledged how much they needed me and how much I was doing, but I still wasn’t part of things.  It just wasn’t worth it.

I didn’t know what to do–I felt uneasy.  Worried.  The longer I have the 4.0 GPA, the more I fear losing it.  At this point, I would do just about anything to maintain it–those grades weren’t easy to get.

So I called my parents.  My mom would be at school until 6:45PM, so I talked to Dad.  I told him of my latest work saga, how I was stressed and worried, and confused.  And he reminded me of where I got my work ethic and sense of commitment from–he told me to buck up.  Not in a mean way, just in a this sucks, but you can do it, and that’s what needs to be done.  I told me to do the extra work, study, and sleep less.  Bathe less if I had to.  He talked of 4 on-4 off shifts in the Navy and how rigerous it was and how painful the lack of sleep had been.  He didn’t like it, but he put his head down and got it down.  He reminded me of working the potato farm for 2 cents an hour–back-breaking, long work, with prick boss and coworkers giving him constant $hit.  My dad had done thankless, physical work with no thanks and little pay his whole life–I could make it for half a semester.

And I thought-Yes!  THAT’S who I am as a person.  I’m hard-working and dedicated.  When my team needs me to step up, I will do it for the good of everyone.  And I decided I would just have to buckle down, work required 35% more than I already am, AND maintain my grades.  I had to do it, so I might as well get on board.

And later, I read my mom my glowing work evaluation from 12 days before–all the lovely things written about my productivity, motivation, knowledge, judgement, excellent animal restraint, that my boss prefers the days I work, the A-team comment.  Then, I read the texts between my boss and me from 3 days before (10 days after the eval).  It proved they acknowledge how hard I work, and how I benefit the business, and the way they still treat me.

But then, I still couldn’t sleep.  And I thought–why am I still unsettled about work?  I made my decision.  I’m going to pull this out–what’s left to toss and turn over?  And it kept nagging at me.  So I prayed.  I prayed during my sleepless night for a sense of direction.  Please help me make the right decision so I can feel better and so I can sleep again.  And I tossed and tossed some more.  No sleep–and no answers were had.

Then, a literal 2 minutes before my morning alarm was to go off, and I still had not slept.  I dosed off very briefly and had a dream (I rarely remember dreaming) when I did.  In the dream, I was working at the boarding facility that I had interviewed at this last August, when all the Friday-schedule drama was going on at work.  In the dream, the owners were talking and laughing with me, and my co-workers were friendly and seemed to genuinely like me.  Our employers were taking everyone out for fast food, because we had done such a good job at work.  And I felt like somebody in the dream.  They were treating me like a person!

Then my alarm went off.  I knew the answer, and also know the dream was a result of my prayers.  I had confidence.  Something I had never felt about this decision before.  I had to resign.  And it wasn’t in a mean way or on a whim.  It wasn’t even based on this current situation.  Mostly, because I also woke up with this overwhelming sense that I had been fighting the right decision this whole time.  I had known for a long while that I needed to quit–but I had stayed out of loyalty and because of fear.  But this morning, it all fell into place and I felt at peace with it.

And of course I’ll be scared.  Losing stability and income.  Facing the unknown.  Change.  Complete loss of that part of myself–veterinary employee.  That’s 14.5 years of my life and all I know.  It’s scary.  But not worth staying.  Even if I can’t find a job, and even if I’m worried and scared about money–I’ll know I made the right choice for me.  I won’t regret it.

Like I will tell my boss–I didn’t make this decision lightly, and it wasn’t based on any one factor.  Also, I’m sorry that the right decision for me may negatively affect others–that’s not my intention.  That’s what I will say if when people ask me why, or confront me.  And when they treat me badly in those last 2 weeks:  1)  I won’t like it.  2)  it won’t be so different from the way they always treated me.  I never felt a part of their group.  At first I figured it was because of the age-difference, but now that newer, younger hires are included and treated nicely–I know it’s just me.  Maybe it’s because I’m not all i-phone-centric.  Who knows.  3) if they get nasty and say salty things, I will just tell them if that what they think of me after almost 4 years–it just re-affirms that I’m making the right decision.  Because if they don’t know my work ethic, sense of duty, or moral compass by now–they are never going to.

Work Woes. Again and still. [Part 1]

6 Mar

This is from years ago, but reading it reminds me of the mentality of high stress, low pay, just be part of the team and suck it up–which I always  had (to my own detriment).  This was the beginning of me wondering if it was worth it.  I was looking at the costs and benefits, and the costs were quickly exceeding any benefits.

It’s not wise to post this on here–because you just never know who might read it.  But I don’t know where else to turn to think things through.  I am unable to concentrate on my studies (which I desperately need to do) and I need to talk myself though this stress.

Juuuuust when I think everything at work is OK, and maybe even good–they turn it upside down.  Last week, I had my evaluation where I was called “A-team,” productive, good knowledge, and told how valuable my morning clean/prep schedule was.  Today, we were pulled into an impromptu meeting declaring everyone would have to turn in times they can’t work, because our full-time gal would be gone for 6-8 weeks and we all had to pull extra.  My boss has a mind to just hand us all a revised schedule, without our input.  Also the specific dates aren’t available, the specific number of hours extra weren’t specified other then “lots and lots,” and no hint of discussion/collaboration was given.

So Fridays are back in-play.  And Thursdays too.  Forget about my part-time hours, because I have the most “extra” to give–they don’t give a fu(k about my class/study time.  No one cares that I’m only getting part-time benefits, and as such I want and need part-time hours.  Even for “just 6-8 weeks.”  We all know what that turns into (spoiler:  longer, maybe forever).  I have to study outside of class and have time to do the required assignments to do WELL in the classes.  With just 4 courses left, I’m not giving up my 4.0 GPA.  Not for work, not for anybody.  And when I ask for specifics, and say I’m stressed out–the mentality is the same ‘ol same ‘ol:  just deal with it; we’re all in the same boat and all stressed; this is veterinary medicine so this sort of thing is expected.

But maybe it’s too much for me.  I really CANNOT deal with 6-8 full Fridays, I probably can’t even deal with one  full Friday!  And I certainly can’t do 12 Thursday/Friday combos.  But at work, my psychological state comes last–it’s after the bookkeeper’s, after the LVT, and certainly after the appointment-load.  I come last.  I am willing to compromise, but with my school schedule I already feel stretched as tightly as I can manage–I don’t think I have MORE to give work.

So I’m thinking I might finally just do it.  Maybe the finger has been giving me so much constant, continuous strife at a place where I work HARD and am dedicated, honest, productive, diligent, and loyal–because I’m meant to leave.  Why else would work constantly treat me like a punching-bag?  How much more can they take out of me?  I really feel like I have nothing more to give.

Even though there are very few job prospects HERE.  Especially with a school-schedule that has to be worked around, and one that changes by the semester at that.  Even though I have no marketable skills.  Even though the only skills I do have would be more of the same–and maybe worse.  I just can’t deal.  I’m trying to be a better person, but this job keeps dragging me down.  I just think I’m settled into a compromise both work and I can live with–and they change the rules on me.  Then act like I’m a $hit-head because I don’t like it and it makes me worry.  I don’t think I can keep on like this anymore.  I deserve better, and I want more stability then that.

And I’m finally in a financial position where maybe I could afford to quit.  I could use my surplus school loan money (that I’ve been saving for Colorado-moving purposes) to live on until I can find another job.  And until I find another job, I can tutor at school, and maybe even kids.  And there was a possibility my independent study could become a paid position.  So I could afford to live AND work on my resume’ in the field I’m trying to get into.

But that might make me worry too.  Because it would be difficult trying to find a job AND study appropriately.  And no one likes to worry that their money is dwindling.  And what if I couldn’t ever find a job?  What would I do?  And if I used all my loan money to live on HERE how will we ever afford to move away?  Would this just make me more crazy than just sticking out the possible 12 full days, committing to a work-load that might jeopardize my grades, and the stress of whatever the NEXT work-demand will be?

I just don’t know what to do.  And I have to decide fast, because my two weeks notice would already be close to the 6-8 week span of time, and the point is to try to AVOID that scene.  So I really have to submit a resignation no later then Monday if it’s going to benefit me.