Archive | 3:37 PM

The Difficult Kind [part 3.5]

15 Mar

I was nervous. So, so nervous. But at the same time resolute–I had scrutinized all my options and thought about all the reasons, and even had a sign from God. I knew what had to be done, and had the feeling I my action was delayed out of fear. I no longer wanted to live by fear, so hard as it was–I was going through with it.

I asked my boss to talk in private. She was not annoyed. She was not impatient. Things were already going better than I had feared. We went in an exam room, and I figured she would cut me off before I finished. She wants facts, and dislikes my flowery, detailed monologues. But I wanted to convey at least 3 pieces of information: 1) This had not been an easy or hastily made decision. 2) The decision was not based on any one factor, but many. 3) I was truly sorry the right decision for me might negatively affect others–that was/is not my intention.

But I knew if I said it in that order, she wouldn’t hear anything other then “I’m quitting.” So I started by saying, “I think you know what I’m about to say.” But from her expression, she clearly didn’t know. So I launched into my points and told her this was my 2 weeks notice.

I thought she might be mad, and accuse me of leaving everyone in the lurch so I didn’t have to work extra. Instead, it was a scanerio better then the best-case I had imagined. She just said she was really sorry to see me go. And since she was being so patient, I added in that this was not a temper-tantrum or threat–it was well-thought out.

My boss asked if I had to quit because I was afraid I could devote all the hours that would be required when the other gal was gone. And I looked her in the eyes and told her (truthfully) that even if the gal was not leaving at all–my decision would still be the same. This was best for me. I explained I’m already stretched too thin on my current schedule, not because of the number of hours in a week, but the way they’re laid out. I lose Monday, start behind on Tuesday, then am too tired by Wednesday to be productive. And it’s not enough time during the weekend to catch up, do all the assignments, then try to get ahead. College isn’t designed that way–you need to do little things every day.

I told her the longer I had a 4.0 the more afraid I became of losing it.  I mentioned how I had been working on my CV for my grad school application.  And I had nothing relevant to put on it–everything was animal-related.  And then, as part of trying to find something to put on the CV, I was looking for Dean’s lists.  And I had made it at UNR (while I wasn’t working during semesters) and made it at my current school.  But since my years at Mizzou were so long ago they weren’t online.  So I was looking through my MU GPAs seeing if I matched the criteria.  And I was not proud of those numbers.  And they were so low because I worked at Noah’s Ark.  I was loyal to them and when they needed extra–I stepped up.  Without questions, enthusiastically, and ultimately to the detriment of my GPA.  And that’s partly what led me here–back at square one in a new career field.  And I was not about to repeat that course of action again–I couldn’t!

During the conversation, I felt like my boss and I were finally on the same page.  I felt like I was completely sincere and honest–and she was too.  And she said a couple of times she would be sorry to see me go.  And she said, “You know I will be sorry to see you go, don’t you?”  And I told her I know she is in my corner.  [I now qualify this with in my corner, but she will still choose the path of least resistance, sometimes to my detriment.]  And of course I went over the words, tone, and feeling of the conversation throughout the day.  And I can’t be certain if she actually said this, or if the vibe I got, or just something I wanted to hear.  I think I heard her say, “You know you’re my favorite.”  But I think it was something that came out of her mouth before she thought, then she realized she shouldn’t tell me that–especially since I had 2 weeks left, so I think she said something of interest immediately afterward.  So it sort of got down-played.  So maybe she actually said that. . .

Anyway, she told me she completely understood my decision.  This was not my field anymore, and it was now a dead-end job for me.  She knew I would be leaving, she just didn’t expect it so soon.  She thought at the end of the summer.  She also asked if I would still be willing to do all the cleaning during off-hours.  And I started to immediately agree that it would be no problem.  But then I thought better, and told her I shouldn’t make important decisions in an emotional state and I would need to think about it.  Then she asked if I could keep working the half day Saturdays.  And I told her I would think about that as well.

We left, and it had gone far better then even the best-case scenario I had anticipated.  Relief.  And I knew I would work the Saturdays and do the cleaning.  Because it wasn’t all that much, and it would give me some sort of income to alleviate my worry.  But I had to set aside time to really weigh the pros and cons none-the-less.