Rather than try to figure out the pronouns or subject I thought the simplest way to start to decode this song was probably just looking up words. I mean, you know the general meaning of maroon or rubies, but I don’t know a lot of the symbolism or religious meanings and things like that. Here we go!
When the morning came we were cleaning incense off your vinyl shelf
‘Cause we lost track of time again
Laughing with my feet in your lap, like you were my closest friend
How’d we end up on the floor anyway?
You say, “Your roommate’s cheap-ass screw top Rosé”, that’s how
It looks like a lot of people think rose is a “girly” drink. Can we STOP gendering drinks?! Anyone can enjoy any wine (or not) and anyone can drink whiskey. I personally enjoy either depending on the occasion.
Something a bit more compelling to me is the season. Rose is a summer wine. And Taylor sings about seasons a lot. August.
I see you every day now
And I chose you
The one I was dancin’ with in New York
No shoes, looked up
At the sky and it was
The burgundy on my t-shirt when you splashed your wine onto me
As a color, burgundy is red/brown–near maroon.
The name is from France–Paris.
There is a red/purple wine from France called Burgundy.
I think it would make a lot of sense to do a call back to wine in Paris, so this is probably less about the color burgundy, and more about a memory that took place with the person she’s talking to in the song.
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was
Taylor might be talking about scarlet in the sense of passion. Blood rushing into your cheeks because you’re turned on.
This one doesn’t seem likely, but we do need to remember it for later because there’s that line in another Midnights song that talks about blood-soaked dress.
Scarlet is a very loaded word. And Taylor knows all about that bc she used the word in that context in New Romantics: We show off our different scarlet letters/Trust me, mine is better.
The stigmatizing meaning of scarlet could also tie to the scarlet as passion meaning–if the love is socially unacceptable (gay). Her cheeks are flushing scarlet with passion for a woman which would be “bad” and get her labeled a stigmatizing letter. The one she talks about in New Romantics. Thirdly, this could be an Illicit Affairs situation where the scarlet letter is actually A. Which still works because Karlie is supposed to be with Jo$h.
The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones
I don’t think Taylor intended it, but I think it’s a neat coincidence that rust is so aligned with photography, and the subject of this song is a model.
Rust forms when metal is exposed to oxygen and moisture of a long period of time, and weakens the mass of the metal to the point it no longer provides support for the structure. It’s a great metaphor for a relationship that is deteriorating from lack of communication over time. That relationship also weakens because the people in it are no longer on the same page. Assumptions are made, worries creep in, because they’re no longer talking. The structure of their love is weakened even if both people still love each other.
I’m pretty sure this definition wasn’t intended either, but it’s kind of cool Rust is used in programming language, when Karlie’s pet-business is Koding with Klossy.
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon
Here is passion again that goes with a scarlet meaning. But maroon also depth and darkness. Taylor could mean deep passion, true love. She could also mean passion, but it’s dark because there are negative things mixed with this passionate love (closeting and cheating).
Creativity–like Taylor uses in her songs.
Is Taylor using maroon like a danger signal because of the problems that occur due to this socially unacceptable passion. Or as more of an Ivy situation where he (Jo$h) will burn the house down if he knew?
Tongue = kissing?
Fire = Leo and Sagittarius sun signs? Or burning passion? Or burning the witches, as talked about in I Did Something Bad?
delusion of attachment = stuff? her career? her fame? True love takes priority over Earthly items and pride?
wisdom of discernment = let’s define discernment:
Given the context of the song and rust that grew between telephones, discernment could mean ascertaining whether Karlie is genuine and good, or if she’s “a false prophet” just in it for selfish purposes. Afterglow is really evoked with this meaning:
In that song, Taylor admits she jumped to the wrong conclusion (probably because they weren’t routinely talking-rust, you know). Taylor assumed Karlie did something terrible that hurt her. But she was wrong. Taylor made incorrect assumptions. It was all in her head, and she’s regretful at her accusations. Could Maroon be talking about the Afterglow situation?
The Buddhist monks, who learn to appreciate spiritual growth over capitalistic concerns, wear maroon. MADE OF BURGUNDY. And represent fearlessness on the path to enlightenment. Which includes valuing love and trusting the vetted, good people. You need to trust more (The Great War, which may also be talking about this very situation).
Other interesting meanings of maroon that still tie into the mistrust that led to the Afterglow situation is fool and abandon. Is Taylor admitting in this song that she acted foolish in jumping to conclusions that Karlie was intentionally hurting her? And is she accusing Karlie of marooning her, or just feeling marooned (abandoned with no hope of rescue) because of that fallout Taylor caused?
When the silence came, we were shaking blind and hazy
How the hell did we lose sight of us again?
Sobbin’ with your head in your hands
Ain’t that the way shit always ends?
You were standing hollow-eyed in the hallway
In Peace, Taylor says she’s always going to closet when the gay rumors get too loud. But in the remainder of the song Karlie refutes these initial lines by TS and tells Taylor how much she truly loves her and will do anything for her:
In Exile, Taylor and Karlie are having a conversation. They are saying this has happened 2, 3, 100 times. The Kaylor relationship has always been precarious, balancing on breaking branches. Taylor tells Karlie she just can’t come out, she’s too scared, but she’ll come out the side door (Lavender haze).
But Karlie says she can’t cry for Taylor, Taylor has to muster up the courage and come out herself. Karlie says they’ve always walked a very thin line so it’ll be fine to leave the closet. Taylor is still too afraid to lose everything. So Karlie leaves her in the hallway holding all this love. Karlie can’t wait around anymore, or deal with any more foiled coming outs-her biological clock is ticking.
Midnight Rain is written after all of that with Taylor looking back regretfully:
Karlie wanted a comfortable family life, but Taylor couldn’t come out, so Karlie went back to the default (Jo$h). Taylor chose her fame over marrying Karly and having a baby. Taylor “wanted” that pain of closeting and lavender haze…
Carnations you had thought were roses, that’s us
If this is the meaning Taylor was thinking of–motherly love is not what Kaylor was going for. They thought their love was sexy and passionate, but turns out it was love you like a friend/sister/mother. That doesn’t seem quite right in this song. I tried to think of other comparisons between carnations and roses:
Carnations are substantially cheaper than roses. Maybe Taylor is saying you thought we had an extravagant, rich, relationship, but turns out is was superficial and cheap. This could fit. But I wondered if the lifespans of the two flowers were substantially different:
And that can’t be it because carnations actually live longer that roses, but Taylor uses them with a negative connotation in the song.
Interesting–some carnations are funeral flowers. So Taylor could just be saying the carnations are the end of Kaylor. Aren’t we learning so much about color and flowers? Thanks, Taylor!
We looked at carnations, so let’s learn about roses:
Secrets! That goes right along with the theme of the song that lack of communication, accusations, mistrust, closeting—all pulled Kaylor apart.
I feel you no matter what, the rubies that I gave up
So ruby comes from Latin for Red, which Maroon is talking about a lot.
Is Taylor just saying that she gave up the scarlet passion, raw emotion, and love in choosing the closet/fame over Karlie?
Perpetually burning fires? Like a Leo’s fire. Or the comfortable home life? Taylor gave up both.
I’m sure that the healing has nothing to do with this song, but we’re learning so I still included it.
Taylor gave up Karlie (the sun). Ruby is gemstone of…the sun?! It has a MAROON aura!!!
I mean, did this exact paragraph inspire the song, or what???
When I lost you
The one I was dancin’ with in New York
No shoes, looked up
At the sky and it was maroon
The burgundy on my t-shirt when you splashed your wine onto me
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was
The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon
And I wake with your memory over me
That’s a real fucking legacy that you see (it was maroon)
Taylor mentions her legacy in Anti-Hero:
But I think we can match the vibe of this song a little better. I looked up legacy in relation to career (which Taylor chose over love):
And I wake with your memory over me
That’s a real fucking legacy to leave
The burgundy on my t-shirt when you splashed your wine onto me
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was maroon
The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon
It was maroon
It was maroon
So there you have it. Just by searching formal definitions of the words within the lyrics we figured out Taylor is probably talking about the Afterglow problem might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back in a relationship with many odds stacked against them. And what was the Afterglow problem–Karlie’s “one for the money” wedding with Jo$h, perhaps? Maybe but that’s a whoooooole ‘nother post! Anyway, Taylor’s mind thinks of worst case scenarios. Throw closeting and beards and a loud biological clock into the mix and we ascertain that Taylor chose fame over love and Karly chose baby over Taylor. And now Taylor is marooned in her loneliness and regret.
And now a break from Taylor’s Midnights series for
HALLOWEEN CANDY.
I found all manner of flavors not offered in the U.S. (at least that I know about) from a Japanese retailor on Amazon. They sent 21 random flavors-some repeated. And there’s even more flavors out there! I did the taste test months and months ago, so I can’t remember details, but here some of the flavors are!
Refrigerator mango Sweet
Mango and chocolate don’t sound great, but this one was actually really good. And very summery.
Blue wrapper spaceman Like berry cereal?
Do you like blueberry beer? Same kinda thing minus the alcohol.
Red Regular kit kat
How can I ever go back to the boring plain stuff again??!
Mango Weird fake mango w/cookie
Latte or malt? Couldn’t tell, dry
The texture was a put-off. Also, keep a beverage nearby as this one is a choking hazard.
Peach Sweet good
I did NOT think these light fruity ones would be good, but I was wrong. They really make it work.
Cinnamon apple Smells sugar, sweet Lt apple, cinnamon candy aftertaste
I think it’s funny how we usually see apple as red or green packaging, but this one is purple-huh.
Orange Just like the chocolate orange slices
Ever had that coffee (maybe mocha) that has an orange peel in it? What’s it called? Anyway, I had it all the time when I lived in Seattle and it’s so heavenly a combination. This is too.
Green matcha tea Lt subtle
If you like the Jamba Juice ones you’ll like this one.
I can’t remember what this one is. It might be just dark chocolate which is why I may not have written it down…
Cookies and cream Exactly as stated
Melon–which was surprisingly good!
Happy trick-or-treating! I guarantee none of these will be in your bag at the end of the night.
It is speculated all the rainbows and butterflies and bi-colored wigs were building up to something aside from just “allyship” during the Lover era.
Taylor was crying prior to this announcement.
She answers, “I have a lot of emotions about the whole thing…”
Robin asks what the BIG reveal is:
Taylor announces. . . a song.
Note that both of them seem very tense in their faces.
Robin tries to get her to give the actual BIG announcement a second time:
Taylor deflects:
Robin brings out the big guns and motions to the fans waiting in the rain for a BIG announcement:
It’s a very pointed–tell the REAL announcement:
Taylor downplays the rain and does not announce anything else:
Look closer at the facial expressions and body language [Robin Asks. Taylor Answers]:
You’re going to do your big coming out announcement. mmmmm, probably not.
YOU’RE going to come out in the announcement. Absolutely not.
You did that?! You announced a single. During the NFL draft… This is all you’re getting.
Bringing the suffering and loyalty of the fans into it. This is not going to work on me.
Pride Month 2019:
all the cameos remind me of this moment in (gay) history:
Taylor was really leaning into Pride:
The LAST day of Pride month, June 30, 2019, Taylor sent this message to fans:
This masters heist was a major turning point.
New York Pride Parade. June 30, 2019;
But here’s the thing:
A deleted tick-tock video was saying that the panels in the pride dress did not match Billy’s skin tone, but would have matched Taylor’s. And this theory was substantiated by the designer who did a duo drinking tea! It’s BIG proof.
Taylor couldn’t come out and possibly alienate her fans/the general public/the industry, because she wanted to rerecord her masters in order to devalue the “stolen” ones. So coming out was scrapped last minute.
And we got confusion in the lover era.
The rainbows and light happiness came to a screeching halt.
Sadness was palpable:
London Boy was added to the Lover album last minute.
And UK listeners didn’t think it made regional or cultural sense:
Also, the placement of London Boy on the tracklist is jarring:
Why. the fuck. would anyone place the lightest, most buoyant song immediately next to a song dealing with Cancer and possible, impending death of her mother???!
I marked songs on Lover that I think were placed on the album after the coming out was scrapped.
So what songs on Midnights might have been on the Lover album in the place of those 3-4 out of place songs, or in addition to the tracks?
I need to think about this more, but right away I lean toward Question… and The Great War. But when I analyze each song, I’ll mention the “fits the Lover-era better” songs.
I guess I should have started the series with this post. But what I forgot is not everyone has this same opinion. Even though it seems fairly obvious to me. So here’s some background thinking that may influence my opinions about the tracks.
Here’s what I think happened:
Taylor is rerecording her masters. Fans were clamoring for the albums. There were trends every Friday on Twitter guessing album drops. And it is in Taylor’s best interest to keep up engagement and interest in her masters project. She needs each one to sell and stream and be successful. If there is a drought people might forget or lose motivation to support it. Except there were snafus: She wants the big finish to be Taylor Swift TV. Reputation isn’t eligible until 2023. Speak Now and 1989 both ran into legal troubles.
It makes sense to me that Taylor’s team decided to throw together a new album real quick as damage control, and a bridge to the next rerecord. Taylor dipped into her diaries, her drafts, and vault songs that didn’t make past albums. She cleaned them up, did a bit of editing, and rushed to construct an album to satiate the general public.
I think the new album sounds like if Reputation and Lover had a baby that was more subtle than both. Taylor said these tracks are from midnights throughout her life so it makes sense to me she might have written most of the songs, portions of the songs, lyrics, taken inspiration from the period of time between Reputation tour and Lover promo.
Looking at Taylor’s catalog as an evolution, it doesn’t seem like Midnights belongs after folklore and Evermore. Yes, those albums were a slightly different genre, but more than that those albums were high-brow and complex with shifting themes. They were decadent in their lyricism and expertly written to mix fantasy and fiction.
Midnights sounds like it belongs prior to the quarantine era albums. It is WILDLY successful, and I wonder how much of that is promo working, how much is due to Taylor’s name bringing high recognition/curiosity no matter what she does, and how much is thirsty fans supporting it. I think it’s probably a variety of factors, but to me Midnights is not the progression of talent post folkmore.
I also think the timelines in the new songs make better sense if they were written in the past. Example:
the nearly lost you confuses me. It implies when this song was written Taylor was still with Karlie. I know the two were on and off many times, but current dresses, music videos, posts, and lyrics show more of a petty-ex energy between the two. Also, the last 3-4 albums wouldn’t be so sad if Taylor was currently together again with Karlie.
I’m interested to see what the 11th album will sound like. Then we’ll know for sure if folkmore was just an anomaly of suddenly having tragedy plus downtime, or if Midnights belongs at 6.5 in the album order.
Lately (folklore on) Taylor has been especially good at obscuring subject, timelines, characters, point of view etc… I suspect she does this to make her work palatable to the largest audience possible. She can cater to every different subset of listeners by making each song multifaceted. Diverse populations, people with divergent backgrounds and sensibilities can take different things from the same songs.
In folklore, fantasy and fiction were combined to make a sort of double story out of each song. This tactic builds in plausible deniability. The Last Great American Dynasty is an explicit example. In that song, Taylor is talking about the history of Rebecka Harkness, but also herself.
In Evermore, several different people were written about in the same song, until people could not extricate the truth for what line was about who. Take Dorthea. The song is about this Dorthea who we don’t know. Maybe someone from Nashville. But also a few of the lines could be Taylor talking about herself. And other lines really seem like present-day Taylor speaking to younger Taylor. The song is about all 3 of those people. And she is not clear about when the narrator or character changes.
For Midnights, I think Taylor used a different tactic. We were told these stories are personal, non-fiction, true events. I would say perspective (who is saying this?) and character (who is being talked about/to?) are the main foils to deciphering Midnights. She even switches the person who is talking and the subject being talked to in the same sentence at points. I won’t give an example here because I’m going to try to give each song it’s own entry. But that device makes it difficult to know who the songs are about–and that’s the point.
So our first controversial (we’ll get into it in a minute) song is Lavender Haze:
Toot noise like NYE
Model walking beat
Other songs that have this same type of beat are Style and Gold Rush, which are both very Karlie songs.
Meet me at midnight…
I think she’s talking to NY day muse. Though I think songs get repurposed over time to reflect Taylor’s current situations (think I Bet You Think About Me which was supposedly a Red-era vault track, but had many, many current symbols). I think this song has at least evolved for Taylor to be about Karlie.
At 0.59 sec, Taylor sings “I want HER midnights.”
In that song, Taylor is talking about hiding her WLW love during New Years Eve when everyone is around, and for the big midnight kiss because she is closeted. Her and her lover have to resort to spending private time cleaning up on New Years Day, when everyone is passed out or hungover. But Taylor says she wants her girlfriend’s midnights–she wants to be able to be up front about the woman she loves and partake in that public kiss tradition.
Staring at the ceiling with you
This line may be a character switch. It the midnights person the same as the ceiling person?
Oh, you don’t ever say too much
The two have been “dating” for 6 years but are weirdly private, not attending important events, speaking about one another in interviews, or acting like a couple save for the occasional paparazzi photo (read, hired be the celebrities themselves to take PR pics). If the two are actually together, their relationship is unnecessarily complex. And it seems like Joe is a bad boyfriend (minimizing Taylor’s accomplishments, being absent for important events, looking like an unhappy hostage dragging her 2 steps behind him when they are photographed).
And you don’t really read into
My melancholia
That sounds unfulfilling to me. If I’m severely depressed, I want Cool to engage with me and talk to me about it. Try to help me, at least show she cares. . . But Joe apparently just takes it at face value, and doesn’t mention it.
I thought the description for the movie related to Taylor’s life and songs, which may have been why she chooses that particular, and unique word to describe depression.
Melancholia film similarities to TS:
There’s a wedding (Taylor doesn’t want that 1950s shit. Karlie got married to a man).
Castle is money/status. (Taylor wants to keep hers, Karlie may have married a man for it).
narrow and winding, same as spiral. Not straight. Not easy. rural = desolate and alone. Labyrinthine?
Justine is pushed into a role others chose for her (marriage). (Just like Taylor is being pushed by media/public/parents/team/Joe? and doesn’t want that according to this song).
There is cheating and the marriage is called off. (Many of Taylor’s songs talk about cheating: Illicit Affairs, Betty, etc…)
The women in the film spend their final moments alone in a magic cave (kingdom in my bedroom, if you will) drinking wine by candlelight.
There is a SEA of FLAMES and Earth SHATTERS into a billion (million in Taylor’s case, says Mirrorball).
I been under scrutiny
You handle it beautifully
All this shit is new to me
Which part of this is new to Taylor? She’s supposedly been dating for 6 years, so not the committed relationship. She’s been famous since she was a child, so not celebrity, or media asking her things. She has even bearded at least once before.
I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me
If you missed my last post on how lavender is a decidedly gay color, go back one entry and learn some history.
Haze:
so lavender haze could be tenuous, obscure, confusing…
It reminds me of Cardigan:
Here, I think she uses smoke to symbolize the aftermath of a tragedy. And also something that was a reminder. And that causes confusion.
“Haze” reminds me even more of The Archer:
…I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you
Coming out speeches to her fans?
…Help me hold onto you
…I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost
She’s worried about what would happen if she came out
she’s a ghost because she’s caught in-between and because she feels her true self is invisible.
The room is on fire, invisible smoke
She imagines the worst outcome, and is anxious, but it’s in her mind so far.
And all of my heroes die all alone
Help me hold onto you/…Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?/But who could stay?
Taylor wants to keep her fans, and place as a legend in music. She wouldn’t want coming out to ruin that.
(I see right through me, I see right through me)/’Cause they see right through me/They see right through me/They see right through/Can you see right through me?/They see right through/They see right through me/I see right through me/I see right through me
Can fans see Taylor’s intentions? Can they sense her fears? Taylor has been signaling she’s queer-have fans picked up on that?
Who could ever leave me, darling?/But who could stay?/(I see right through me, I see right through me)/Who could stay?/Who could stay?/Who could stay?/You could stay/You could stay/You…
Taylor is inviting fans to stay with her even if she comes out.
Furthermore she says she can feel the lavender creeping.
creeping:
You would not describe the haze of the honeymoon phase of a relationship as creeping. Creeping is negative, unwanted. The lavender is something Taylor is saying she does not want.
Surreal
I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say
Stated another way:
If I do give a damn about what people say
I’m damned
Taylor is saying if she cares about this pressure people are putting on her to marry, she will be doomed.
No deal
The 1950s shit they want from me
I just wanna stay in that lavender haze
Taylor doesn’t want the creeping lavender that will doom her (marrriage). She wants to remain in the gray, hazy area she is currently occupying. This could mean this awkward “private” relationship with Joe (if the public narrative is to be believed. Or it could mean bearding with Joe to portray herself as straight to the majority, and hinting at her true orientation to Gaylors.
All they keep asking me
Is if I’m gonna be your bride
This line is direct in who Taylor is talking to. Now, she could have changed perspectives or subjects with in the song (like in Question… and back to Peace) but this tells us Joe. The media and fans and maybe her team keep asking Taylor if she is going to be JOE’s bride.
The only kinda girl they see
Is a one night or a wife
The media and fans accuse Taylor of serial dating and not being able to keep a man, or they press her about when she will get engaged or have children.
These are the “weird rumors” Taylor spoke of in the Lavender video.
I find it dizzying
The word dizzying makes me think of all the spinning on tiptoes in heels in mirrorball:
Taylor already told us she shows each person what they want to see. She is not being her authentic self.
They’re bringing up my history
Who is they?
It could be media, fans, enemies, exes, Taylor’s own team, the music industry, her parents…
What history is being drudged up?
Taylor’s dating history, Kaylor, her song catalog, awards shows, promotion…
But you weren’t even listening
Who is you?
It could still be Joe, or the “you” could indicate a different subject: Karlie, another love/muse, Taylor’s team, her mom, fans…
…Talk your talk and go viral
This sounds like she’s addressing the media. They say whatever narrative gets them the most clicks.
I just need this love spiral
The opposite of spiral (depending on the way the word is being used): straight, a line, flat, constant, consistent, unchanging, calm…
Love spiral reminds me of the heart that turned into a spiraling tunnel in the Me! Music video:
Interestingly the heart/love spiral evokes the same feelings as this lavender haze song:
Get it off your chest
“Your” sounds less like a group (fans, her team, media, music industry) and more like one individual to me.
Get it off my desk
Whatever proposal that whoever is pushing. From the context of the song, it sounds like some sort of marriage. For someone to put something on Taylor’s desk (unless she’s talking metaphorically) this person or group has to be in proximity to her. That eliminates her talking about media, fans, or the general music industry. These two lines have to be Joe or Taylor’s own team. I think Joe, because get it off “your” chest is more personal, and less used for a collective like a team.
The media, fans, her team, and Joe all want Taylor to enter a Lavender marriage with Joe in order to satiate heteronormativity and straighten out her image. And this song makes clear Taylor wants to remain in this undefined haze.
I’m a lot late to the posting party, but it’s Halloween month, and I had to hurry, hurry and do my album reviews before I was waylaid by Taylor’s new offering. And I had to digest the new album and listen. Oh yeah, and work full time. But here I am on this aged controversy: Turns out the “weird rumors” are marriage to Joe Alwyn… Where’s our apology?
Anyway, Taylor “hetsplained” in the lingo of Gaylors the song because it’s pretty outwardly gay.
Was “lavender haze” really a popular term in the 50’s to describe being in love?
So in the show Mad Men, there is a scene where the main character says he met a girl and another character says “look at you, you’re in the lavender haze!” Here is a link to the scene in question.
Yesterday night, Taylor Swift announced the title of track one of her 10th studio album Midnights. The track is called Lavender Haze, and Taylor claimed that the term was a common phrase in the 50’s to describe being in love. Here is a link to the video in which she talks about it. …Here is a transcript of what she says regarding the song:
Lavender haze is track one on Midnights, and I happen to come upon the phrase lavender haze when I was watching Mad Men… and I looked it up — because I thought it sounded cool — and it turns out that it’s a common phrase used in the 50s where they would just describe being in love. Like if you were in the lavender haze, then that meant that you were in that all-encompassing love glow… and I thought that was really beautiful.
After watching that I became curious about the term as I had never heard of it before. I had only heard of the term “honeymoon phase” which seems to sound similar to what Ms. Swift was describing. So I looked it up to find more information. Through the various PR articles reporting on the song’s announcement, one of the first things that popped up was this urban dictionary entry, which is not very helpful and uses the show as its main source. Another thing that popped up was this random Facebook post by an interior design group which claims that Lavender Haze was a popular 50s slang saying. The post was made in 2016 and cited no sources. I then tried Snopes.com – which I know isn’t the most reliable website in the world – and found no results.
I needed a proper source. So I dug deeper. I got on Google Scholar and found virtually nothing. No results or citations about the phrase. I went on Britannica.com which is a reliable encyclopedia website. Also nothing. I got pretty desperate and even searched it on YouTube. Nothing. I went back to google as a last resort and found that there’s a weed strain called Lavender Haze. Cool, but wasn’t what I was looking for. After scrolling through endless pages I found dead ends and articles about 50s slang – and Lavender Haze was not in either list I came across. So now I am confused.
The rumor that it was a 50’s popular phrase certainly wasn’t made up by Ms Swift herself [OR WAS IT?]
There is the old “sissy” to mean gay man, and it was lavender.
The Lavender scare which fired people thought to be gay.
Lavender sashes worn to commemorate the Stonewall Riots.
The feminist movement felt lesbians would undermine their group, and were deemed the lavender menace.
Lavender marriages were set up when Hollywood was run by the studios. These fake, straight marriages kept gay stars clean cut and socially acceptable so the studio could continue making money off of them.
See some actual blurbs from sources:
Not all lavender marriages are to hide gays. Some are just to increase engagement for an upcoming project (Showmance), or to make someone more likable (Chelsea Handler?) in the eyes of the public. Also, women attached romantically to men are taken more seriously, so they can exceed in their field better if a man is in the picture-barf (Beyonce’).
I have suspicions about some big names: I think Oprah and Steadman are lavender. Posh Spice and the soccer player. Bennifer. George & Amal. Cindy Crawford and her husband (George’s bf). Kenny Chesney and Renee Z. Will and Jada. I think Charlize Theron has had a series of bearded relationships. Taylor Lautner. Zac Efron. Leo.
This formatting is garbage, but Cool is waiting (impatiently) to eat our meat and cheese plate. I wanted to get this posted, dated, and everything before I look at any social media. I wanted my ideas and theories to be MINE.
I was making notes on the music AT work (*tears) so it needs more. I had all my comments right-aligned, but in the C&P that all went to $hit. I’ll come back and do individual song posts later and format it a bit better. So today Control F is your friend.
Here’s my general thoughts: It’s like Reputation and Lover had a baby who was more subtle. 80% is still about Karlie. The lyrics have subtext, but they are not nearly as obscured as FolkMore. Sexy babies is cringe AF. I DID see sky/stars/moon so I think Kelsea and KelSwift is still in play!
1. Lavender Haze
Toot noise like nye
Model walking beat
Meet me at midnight
Talking to NY day muse
Oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh-
Wo-wo-wo-wo-woah
Staring at the ceiling with you
Oh, you don’t ever say too much
And you don’t really read into
My melancholia
I’ve been under scrutiny (Yeah, oh, yeah)
You handle it beautifully (Yeah, oh, yeah)
All this shit is new to me (Yeah, oh, yeah)
I feel
A lavender haze creeping up on me
So real
I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say
No deal
The 1950s shit they want for me
She says no to
All the heteronormative milestones
I just wanna stay in the lavender haze
Oo-ooh, oo-ooh-
Wo-wo-wo-wo-woah
All they keep asking me (All they keep asking me)
Is if I’m gonna be your bride
The only kind of girl they see (The only kind of girl they see)
Is a one night or a wife
The weird rumors
I find it dizzying (Yeah, oh, yeah)
Spinning in high heels
They’re bringing up my history (Yeah, oh, yeah)
Dating/ex
But you aren’t even listening (Yeah, oh, yeah)
I feel
A lavender haze creeping up on me
So real
I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say
No deal
The 1950s shit they want for me
I just wanna stay in the lavender haze
TS doesn’t want to marry
TS doesn’t want to come out
She wants to stay in this arrangement
(Oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh-
Wo-wo-wo-wo-woah ×3)
The lavender haze
Talking, talking, go viral
I just need this love spiral
Get it off your chest
Get it off my desk
Talking, talking, go viral
SM
I just need this love spiral
Get it off your chest
Get it off my desk
I feel (I feel)
A lavender haze creeping up on me
So real
I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say
No deal (No deal)
The 1950s shit they want for me
I just wanna stay in the lavender haze
(Oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh-
Wo-wo-wo-wo-woah ×2)
Get it off your chest
Get it off my desk
The lavender haze
I just wanna stay
I just wanna stay
In that lavender haze
2. Maroon
When the morning came we
Were cleaning incense off your
Vinyl shelf cause we lost track of time again
Laughing with my feet in your lap
Like you were my closest friend
How’d we end up on the floor anyway?
You say, “Your roommate’s cheap-ass screw top Rosé”, that’s how
I see you every day now
And I chose you
The one I was dancin’ with in New York
City screams your name
Karlie
No shoes, looked up
At the sky and it was
The burgundy on my t-shirt
When you splashed the wine onto me
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was
Spilled wine in the bathtub
I don’t like the rose flush
Scarlet is fraught
Adultry
The mark you saw on my collarbone
Hickey or lipstick
The rust that grew between telephones
No contact
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon
Lipstick
When the silence came we
Were shaking blind and hazy
How the hell did we lose sight of us again?
Sobbin’ with your head in your hands
Ain’t that the way shit always ends?
You were standing hollow-eyed in the hallway
Carnations you had thought were roses, that’s us
I feel you no matter what, the rubies that I gave up
When I lost you
The one I was dancin’ with in New York
Dianna?
Karlie
No shoes, looked up
Til your high heels break
At the sky and it was maroon
The burgundy on my t-shirt
When you splashed the wine onto me
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was
The mark you saw on my collarbone
The rust that grew between telephones
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon
Awake with your memory over me
That’s a real fucking legacy that you see (It was maroon)
Awake with your memory over me
That’s a real fucking legacy to leave
The burgundy on my t-shirt
When you splashed the wine onto me
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was maroon
The mark you saw on my collarbone
The rust that grew between telephones
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon
It was maroon
It was maroon
3. Anti-Hero
I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser
I never grow up
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people
I’ve ghosted stand there in the room
I should not be left to my own devices
Dbl meaning
Electronics
Ideas
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis
She says the wrong thing
I’ve realized all this time
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving
‘Cause you got tired of my scheming
Closeting?
Hetsplaning?
Capitalism?
For the last time
Karlie left
after 1 too many
broken coming outs?
It’s me, Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees
Spilling the tea
English tea
Ladies lunching
I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
Karlie is the sun
She blames Karlie
but should look inward
It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero
Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
Very cringe
And I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching towards your favorite city
NY?
London?
Touring schedule?
Pierced through the heart, but never killed
Did you hear my covert narcissism lightly disguised as altruism
Self aware
Like some kind of congressman
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving
And life will lose all of its meaning
For the last time
It’s me, Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me (I’m the problem, it’s me)
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero
I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me
Imaginary?
Taylor doesn’t want children?
Karlie as DIL to Ku$hners?
for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
Implying Karlie left for the $$$?
The family gathers around and reads it and someone screams out
“She’s laughing up at us from hell!”
It’s me, Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
It’s me, Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
It’s me, Hi
Everybody agrees
Everybody agrees
It’s me, Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me (I’m the problem, it’s me)
At tea time, everybody agrees (Everybody agrees)
I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero
4. Snow On The Beach (feat. Lana Del Rey)
[Taylor Swift:]
One night a few moons ago
Kelsea?
I saw flecks of what could’ve been lights
Last specks of sunny Karlie?
But it might have just been you
Passing by unbeknownst to me
Life is emotionally abusive
And time can stop me quite like you did
And my flight was awful thanks for asking
The jet controversy?
I’m unglued thanks to you
IBYTAM?
[Taylor Swift & Lana Del Rey:]
And it’s like snow at the beach
Weird but fucking beautiful
Flying in a dream
Stars by the pocketful
Kelsea?!
You wanting me
Tonight feels impossible
Kelsea Ballerini, Universe:
Baby, you make the impossible
Feel like it’s all logical
Lying in your arms,
could be Jupiter or Mars
You say I hang the stars in your eyes
But you put the universe in mine
(ooh)
But it’s coming down no sound it’s all around
Like snow on the beach
Like snow on the beach
Like snow on the beach
Like snow, ah-ah-ahh
This scene feels like
What I once saw on a screen
I searched aurora borealis green
I’ve never seen someone live from within
Blurring out my periphery
My smile is like I won a contest
A trophy or a champion ring?
And to hide that would be so dishonest
And it’s fine to fake it ’til you make it
‘Til you do, ’til it’s true
Now it’s like snow at the beach
Weird but fucking beautiful
Flying in a dream
Stars by the pocketful
You wanting me
Tonight feels impossible
But it’s coming down no sound it’s all round
Kelsea’ s song falling?
Like snow on the beach
Like snow on the beach
Like snow on the beach
Like snow, ah-ah-ahh
I can’t speak afraid to jinx it
I don’t even dare to wish it
But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet
Yes, yes this song is most definitely about Marilyn Monroe. Obviously. But also I noticed some things and think the song’s subtext could be slyly talking about Taylor Swift in addition to the main muse of the song.
There’s a lot of foundational knowledge required to see the connection that I’m talking about. So I am going to attempt to run you through the abridged version of Gaylor/Kaylor 101. There will be multiple songs discussed within this song, but I promise it’s all necessary information so you can hear what I hear.
As a side note: Marilyn and Taylor are actually related:
I’m putting Kelsea’s Marilyn lyrics in pink highlight
[Verse 1]
Must be nice to be so nice and beautiful
The internet is sprinkled with stories of Taylor Swift’s kindness to both friends and fans:
[I’m putting articles in green, so you know it’s not me writing]
Proving once again that a Taylor Swift best-friendship is the best thing a person can have, Taylor Swift did another TRULY lovely thing for one of her mates, planning a very special surprise for her best friend Abigail.
If you aren’t totally read up on the history of Taylor Swift’s friendships, here’s what you need to know about Abigail. She’s one of Taylor’s closest friends, that she’s known since high school. She’s referenced in ‘Fifteen’. Taylor even took her to the Grammys. These two are true BFFs.
So, on Abigail’s 25th birthday, Taylor obviously had to do something pretty special. Which she did. Another important fact about Abigail, apparently, is that she her favourite band is Dashboard Confessional.
Can you guess where this is going? Taylor then casually asked if there was anyone named Chris Carrabba at the party (that’s the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional, FYI).
And, because T-Swifty is the greatest, she had indeed arranged for Chris Carrabba to be there. Abigail got to sing along with one of her favourite artists of all time. Plus, Hayley Williams was there, which everyone knows makes even the coolest party 20 times cooler.
And as for the second part of the line, it’s obvious Taylor Swift checks all the boxes for [patriarchal] beauty standards (even science says so):
Hang the stars in the eyes of everybody
Oh my God, if Taylor mentions stars, stars in eyes, the moon, or anything like that I am going to flip! This post was nowhere ready to post, but I struggled to get it done before Midnights is officially released just for this theory: I think we’ve moved from the sun (and head up in the clouds during Kaylor/Lover) to other sky imagery. If these key words are in Midnights I will be insufferable!
Got your name up in lights and in every home
It’s a common phrase, but also Taylor Swift wrote a song using just. those. words. And it was similar to this song of Kelsea’s–that I thought to be about Briteny Spears (Lucky) and her super-fame, and how she didn’t feel “lucky” all the time.
As you can imagine, Taylor was at a very different stage in her life and career when first writing “Red.” She was dating men in Hollywood. She was climbing the charts. And while she was most definitely a household name, is it possible that this wasn’t the life she always dreamed of? “The Lucky One” appears on “Red (Taylor’s Version),” and there are a lot of questions on who it was written about. Was “The Lucky One” meant to portray Taylor’s life?
In “The Lucky One,” Taylor tells the story of a young starlet who moves to LA to make her dreams come true. However, upon becoming accustomed to the glamorous Hollywood lifestyle, she realizes that it isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. While so many people yearn to be famous, this star does not feel like she is “the lucky one.” The first verse of the tune introduces the young starlet who is “chasing fame and fortune.” The lyrics state: “And the camera flashes, make it look like a dream / You had it figured out since you were in school / Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool / So overnight you look like a sixties queen.”
Then, the chorus follows: “And they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one / Yeah, they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one / But can you tell me now, you’re the lucky one,” Taylor asks.
In the second verse, Taylor unpacks the downsides of this star’s life. “Now it’s big black cars, and Riviera views / And your lover in the foyer doesn’t even know you / And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page.” The verse continues to note how unhappy she is with her life. Later lines read: “Another name goes up in lights / You wonder if you’ll make it out alive.”
By the third verse, we learn that the star vanished from the public eye. “It was a few years later, I showed up here,” Taylor sings, followed by “and they still tell the legend of how you disappeared.” Taylor croons that she didn’t originally understand why the star would give up her life of fame. “But I understand it now,” she says at the end of the song, hinting at the fact that she personally can relate. [The Lakes]
The star Taylor is referring to in “The Lucky One” is rumored to be former pop singer Kim Wilde, according to the Swiftipedia Fandom page. Fans speculated that Kim was the subject after noticing that the main hook melody in “The Lucky One” is sampled from Kim’s song “Four Letter Word.” Furthermore, Taylor wrote the lyric “Chose the rose garden over Madison Square” in the song. This may possibly reference how Kim abandoned her career to become a landscape gardener. Regardless of who the song is about, Taylor’s message is clear: Constantly being in the limelight isn’t always what dreams are made of. Taylor understands why this star left Hollywood for a more reclusive life. Previously, the “Cardigan” crooner has been targeted for the way she looks, the men she was dating, how many men she was dating, and more. She shares some of her story and the criticisms she’s received in the Netflix original documentary Miss Americana.
Marilyn Monroe, Britney Spears, and Taylor Swift all knew fame on an astronomical level. Yet all 3 had their struggles, and struggles with fame, and secrets.
Taken more like the sentiment of the phrase, name up in lights, here are some statistics showing how popular Taylor Swift is. She is the fourth highest of all time for music sales (Madonna was, I think, 100 million above the rest, in her own category, which is why Taylor appears 3rd in this picture):
And for a more modern measure of success and popularity, here are the streaming numbers. Taylor is the 6th most streamed artist of all time whenever this page was posted:
Looking at social media followers, Taylor has hundreds of millions of those too:
So I think we can agree both Marilyn and Taylor are in every home and have their names up in lights.
But were you still alone at the party?
There is a song about how Taylor was alone at her own birthday party, The Moment I Knew, that contains lyrics like:
Plus, I don’t have every awards ceremony, every after-party in a list or anything like that, but there’s been a lot of times Taylor shows up with just her entourage, not a plus one. Her recent folklore Grammy, for example, she had her co-workers there, but not a significant other. It was a momentous occasion and she was alone.
[Pre-Chorus]
Everybody wanted to see you
Everyone wanted to see Marilyn, we know this. She is still an icon. But check out Taylor’s ticket sales–everyone wants to see her too:
Lips red, eyes blue
This one is an obvious commonality between Marilyn and Taylor.
And everybody wanted to be you, yeah
Obviously Marilyn. But also: People in the industry want to know success like Taylor. Singers and models like her style. Fans emulate her every move.
[Chorus]
Was it worth it to seem so perfect?
A big reason I think this song is also alluding to Taylor Swift, is her very calculated brand image. Taylor has orchestrated her down to Earth vibes, friendliness, who she is seen with in the media, how she speaks, what she wears, how fans and parents and capitalists perceive her–she is in total control of her brand. Things have gone off the rails a couple times (snakegate) but not for Taylor’s lack of trying to keep up the perfect persona.
I think Kelsea, being in the business herself, can empathize with the Marilyn’s and Taylors of the world–whose identity and brand get braided together until nobody including the artist herself, knows which strand is which.
Here’s a very recent quote from Taylor about being more brand than individual:
Blonde and curves didn’t keep you from your skeletons
We don’t really think of Taylor Swift as “curvy” in modern times. Compared to Marilyn’s era, there is slightly more diversity in celebrities, and many of them have curvy figures. But according to both of their measurements (I do not know where these come from, or how accurate they are) both gals are an hourglass shape.
This line talks about how the subject is beautiful and portrays her life/image/brand as perfect. Yet, the artist’s real life is not like that. And the difference between the brand and the reality leaves an empty lonely feeling. Both Taylor and Marilyn are the standard of beauty, yet there is a sadness about both of them.
The skeletons part of this line is particularly geared toward Taylor. She has secrets and uses her lyrics to tell her truth–but with plausible deniability. On the surface the lyrics talk of boyfriends, but the subtext tells how Taylor dates women. It’s like she writes personal experiences, but codes them and explains it away in promotional interviews.
The word, “skeletons” is in Cowboy Like Me, which we already talked about as a song possibly about bearding:
We didn’t talk about the line:
[because this could get confusing referencing Taylor’s lyrics in the middle of Kelsea’s song, I have highlighted TS lyrics in purple]
But that was all before I locked it down
It’s an interesting line that could be alluding to Pont des Arts in Paris, better known as the love lock bridge.
4/6/15:
Taylor’s song, I Think He Knows also talks about locking it down:
I think he knows his footprints
On the sidewalk
The sidewalk reminded me of stuff I saw on Tumblr about some pavement etchings. I grabbed some images and explanations from
So thanks to 9x1ft, and visit the Tumblr for a trove of Kaylor information!
Lead to where I can’t stop
Go there every night
This is Karlie’s NY place, and that garden gate:
I think he knows his hands around
A cold glass
Make me wanna know that body
Like it’s mine
I don’t have any hardcore evidence for these lines, but applying them to Karlie here’s my thoughts: A glass could have curves. She might be comparing a glass (possibly from that dive bar) to her partner’s body. Curves = female. And “know that body like it’s mine” could mean they have similar bodies because they’re both women–rather than ownership.
He got that boyish look that I like in a man
Taylor, in curating her public relationships with boyish looking guys may have a two-prong approach: She is trying to find a boy that is marketable to as wide of an audience as possible. He has to be safe, have a pretty, photographable face, and fit with her clean-cut image. The second factor could be covering up her actual private relationship with women. Finding a dude who closely resembles her girlfriend gives her plausible deniability for her lyrics.
A lot of the teen idols (Elvis Presley, James Dean, David Cassidy, Davy Jones, Donnie Osmond, Leif Garrett, Justin Timberlake, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Leonardo Dicaprio, Hansen, Justin Beiber, Zac Effron…) have boyish, baby faces. They are white pre-teen to early twenties and are perceived as all-American, and wholesome and safe. These boys can be marketed to pre-teen girls, a market with a lot of disposable income–they don’t yet have bills, but their parents are still buying them things. In marketing to pre-teen girls, you also have to market to parents that can afford to buy their children a lot of extraneous things (vs necessities) suburban parents.
And doesn’t it just make sense that pre-teen girls who are WLW (or will soon discover that they are) would be attracted to boys with baby faces? Those boys are feminized. So these crushes still fit heteronormative expectations, but are actually attractive to young lesbians and bi-girls specifically because of their feminine features
.
I am an architect, I’m drawing up the plans
This line speaks to the above. Taylor is curating a perfect relationship to cover for her actual relationship. This is Cowboy Like Me in motion. This is not a statement of spontaneously feeling sparks or falling in love. Taylor says she’s methodically putting together plans for this relationship in the song.
It’s like I’m seventeen, nobody understands
No one understands
Homophobic response to a child coming out:
Yuck. and Gross.
This is from Focus on the Family. It’s coded as supportive, but it’s really gaslighting a gay person and trying to convince them they’re wrong about their sexuality. Here’s an article about how Focus on the Family is a homophobic group:
I think Taylor is alluding to this homophobic type of response with that line. Maybe she came out and people told her she’s too young to know.
…I think he knows
He better lock it down
Or I won’t stick around
‘Cause good ones never wait
He got that boyish look that I like in a man
I am an architect, I’m drawing up the plans
… Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh
We can follow the sparks, I’ll drive
Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh
We can follow the sparks, I’ll drive
So where we gonna go?
They went to Big Sur-just the two of them (and whoever took the photos).
And in her Vogue 73 questions Taylor says:
I whisper in the dark
Where we gonna go?
I think he knows
He got my heartbeat
Skipping down 16th Avenue
Got that, oh! I mean
Wanna see what’s under that attitude
Like, I want you, bless my soul
“Bless your soul” is a phrase that can be literal and meaningful or sarcastic.
Literal : John gives $20 to a homeless man. The man says “Bless your soul.” (Genuine, gratitude)
SARCASTIC: Kim hates Kylie. Kylie tries to look pretty but Kim knows she’s prettier. Kim says “Aw, bless your soul for trying!”
(Sarcasm and an insult. Kim is proclaiming she is prettier.)
And I ain’t gotta tell him/I think he knows/I think he knows/I want you, bless my/I want you, bless my/I want you, bless my/I want you, bless my soul/I want you, bless my/I want you, bless my/I want you, bless my soul/I ain’t gotta tell him
I think he knows
See what I mean about plausible deniability? This could be Taylor sincerely saying she wants HIM. But also it could be the sarcastic usage of the phrase–like obviously I don’t want HIM like that.
This is Karlie’s arm putting her lock under THE NUMBER 13:
Hers is the one with the K heart. But tilt your head left and read it–there’s a T there. Koincidence?
And in Taylor’s lover promo, there is a heart it says Paris, City of love, there is a lock and key with “lover” there’s a rose, the butterfly like the wings and mural, and daisies. Which I just learned got their name from the center looking like… The sun. Like sunshiny Karlie.
Ok, after that quick, dirty lesson of how Taylor is likely WLW and Kaylor definitely was romantic and sexual, back to Kelsea’s Marilyn song:
Was it lonely, show pony?
I thought this was going to a western rodeo term, but urban dictionary gave these explanations:
This one easily matches Kelsea’s song about 2 performers. But I thought this one was something:
Now, I’m sure if this is some homophobic response implying that gay people that are deemed “too flamboyant” are obnoxious show offs just for being themselves. OR if this is a common term taken at face value. Does Kelsea know about the term relating to queerness? IDK. But it’s sus in this particular song for all the reasons I outlined.
I found this one appropriate for the subjects of this song because both are known for who they dated: Movie stars, The Kennedys, Taylor’s “ex boyfriends.” This could speak to superficial arm candy, PR arrangements, bearding…
Did you miss Norma Jeane?
Or did you always wanna be Marilyn?
Marilyn
Kelsea asks if Marilyn misses the real, authentic, non-famous, version of herself. She also asks if she liked that person either, if she was always dissatisfied with who she was–plain or glam.
It pertains to Taylor because as she said in her song explanation, she doesn’t feel human anymore. Taylor is more of a brand than a person.
[Verse 2]
Once you got through the doors, was it glamorous?
Or did you think you’d feel morе fulfilled? (Mm)
‘Cause I can see how it seemed
Through an L.A. silvеr screen
But I can also see how it’d drive me to pills
This is self explanatory, and hopefully the pills pertain only to Marilyn and not Taylor, but IDK.
[Chorus]
So was it worth it to seem so perfect?
Blonde and curves didn’t keep you from your skeletons
…And everybody wanted to know you/In every room
Was the way that everyone loved you/A feeling you outgrew?
‘Cause everybody wanted to be you/But did you? (Mm-mm, hmm)
[Chorus]
…Did you miss Norma Jeane? The woman underneath/Or did you always wanna be Marilyn?/Oh, ooh-ooh, Marilyn
I had always been confused about why my mentor essentially declared war against me. It happened after I knew she was a lesbian and married to a woman. And she was very closeted and afraid of being outed in the community. But still, she turned against me and treated me terribly after I realized she was cheating on her wife by fucking the hairdresser.
I couldn’t understand why someone would act so ugly against a person who had dirt on them and could potentially spill their secrets and ruin their reputation. Wouldn’t you kiss ass if someone knew your secrets? But my mentor did everything to make me feel alone and ostracized. She demoted me at work. She made it known I was not welcome to use the bathroom at her house (even though it was my only option). She ignored me, and scheduled our work parties on days I had final exams out of town. She made it blatant that she hated me and wanted me gone. Which was weird because nothing really happened? There was no altercation or fight or misbehavior. This was just a 180 switch of the flip. And it was confusing. I had personal access to her life and could observe her cheating behavior, yet she silently battled me.
I think what happened is that I had looked up to her, emulated her career, listened to her advice. But when I came back to town (before I knew what was going on with her) I loudly declared cheating sucked. I made known I looked down on cheaters and thought they were scum. I told my mentor that my ex was called Douche, and wouldn’t give her real name, even when my mentor pressed me for it. I said that cheater doesn’t deserve a proper name. And I think my mentor heard that and took it to heart since unbeknownst to me at the time she was also a cheater.
As I stayed at the Cabin-Mansion, there was a lot about my mentor I didn’t really like anymore. I was an adult and had more experience with the world to formulate my own opinions. I wasn’t a 16-18 year old sheltered kid anymore. I had lived out of state, attended college, and worked for truly compassionate people. I could now see my mentor was neglectful/abusive to her wife, treated her employees and doctors under her too harshly, and wasn’t who I thought she was. I didn’t mean to, but I lost my respect for her after seeing how she really acted. And I think that’s actually what kicked off the war. I stopped emulating her and seeing her as larger than life. I ended her supply.
It feels good to finally know what the fuck happened. The whole situation continued to bother me because there was no closure. My mentor and I never really talked, and I really didn’t understand what happened or why. But now that I’m becoming more familiar with narcissist behavior, I realize it was nothing to do with me at all-my exMentor is a full-on narcissist.
I underlined things in the following article that I think particularly pertain to my mentor and the situation at the Cabin-Mansion:
What Is Narcissistic Supply?
Published: October 13, 2021 Updated: October 2, 2022
Narcissistic supply refers to the constant supply of attention and admiration needed by narcissists. To gain this attention, narcissists will often use a “false self” that is likeable to attract people to them. However, because narcissists are unable to make healthy connections, they tend to target people who are more vulnerable in order to feed their supply.
Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction where the narcissist requires, and even demands, limitless special treatment, admiration, importance, or validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Narcissistic supply is how narcissists cope with the world, making it a place for them to thrive.
Wanting attention, accolades, and validation are not narcissistic in nature. We all need to feel heard and have a sense of belonging, but narcissists crave this attention constantly. Narcissists seek individuals that are easily lured in by their charm and naïve to their manipulation and exploitation. Once the supply is received, the narcissist will soon become low or empty, always needing more. Feeding narcissistic supply is like trying to fill a bottomless pit—and when they don’t get it, they may react with narcissistic rage.
What Is Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissistic rage, a term first used by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut in the 1970s, is a sudden and powerful outburst from a narcissist that could include anger, aggression, and violence.1 The behavior occurs when the negative feedback that a narcissist receives causes great discomfort and their defense mechanisms are activated. Some narcissists willgaslight, deflect, project, verbally assault, or collapse. …Narcissists will become emotionally, psychologically, physically, or verbally abusive. One reason they respond this way is they recognize that direct exposure is happening and discovery of their false identity is being threatened. In order to keep their true selves secret, narcissists will “blow up” to deflect from the underlying issue.
6 Signs of Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage may not appear much differently than other sudden outbursts from friends and loved ones at first. When these behaviors occur repeatedly, observers can begin to notice the trends and patterns that emerge.
Some of the most common signs of narcissistic rage include:
A bout of anger that is disproportionate to the triggering stressor, sometimes bordering hatred for the victim
A rage that may quickly end and never be discussed again
Anger that results in verbal or physical aggression towards another person or property
Anger that results in self-harm
Frustrations that seem to be brought on by the person not getting their own way, not receiving a wanted level of attention, or receiving the desired amount of praise
Irritability triggered by being criticized by loved ones or coworkers, getting caught in a lie, or feeling out of control
The outside observer may struggle to understand the connections between triggers and anger, especially since the narcissist will likely blame other people and situations. Careful attention and analysis will point to signs of narcissistic rage.
What Causes Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissistic rage happens when a narcissist receives an injury. This perceived offense causes the narcissist to flare up with anger.
What Is Narcissistic Injury?
Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist thinks their self-esteem or self-worth are threatened.2 The narcissist’s false self is exposed, causing distress that leads to narcissistic rage.
Narcissists are extremely sensitive individuals with very low self-esteem. When their shortcomings are pointed out, they become defensive and frustrated. Their delusions of grandeur are put on display and their inadequacies are highlighted.
8 Triggers of a Narcissist’s Rage
Here are eight ways a narcissist’s rage could be triggered:2
They don’t get their way, even if what they want is unreasonable
They feel that they’ve been criticized, even if the critique is constructive or said kindly
They’re not the center of attention
They’re caught breaking rules or not respecting boundaries
They’re held accountable for their actions
Their idealized self-image was harmed in some way
They’re reminded of their manipulation, inadequacy, or shame
My mentor would always call people “losers” and would write off nearly everybody that way. At the time, I never really thought about that.
They will do anything to “win” even if it hurts themself or the team.
At work we get an “audit” if the quality team finds that we processed a claim incorrectly. If you get an audit, and you check that claim, and can show you did, in fact, do it correctly, they sometimes overturn the audit. Jogre did not want to submit my work to be overturned by the auditors. She seemed pleased when I got audits, and took it personally when I would try to show the audit was in error. And when I went above her head, and my audits were finally submitted back to the quality team to double check–the audits were reversed. This happened 3-4 times. My work was shown to have actually been done correctly, and an audit was reversed–but Jogre was mad about it. But audits hurt our entire team and count against us, and against leadership. So when my audits were overturned it actually benefitted her. But she was mad because she saw it as me “winning” and her “losing” (believe me, everyone was losing in that situation).
What to Do in a Win-Lose Relationship with a Narcissist
Narcissists seek relationships in which they dominate and you defer.
Narcissists tend to look for relationships in which they can dominate and been seen as superior.
This means that someone else (partner, employee, co-worker) must be in the one-down role.
They tend to use domineering, vindictive, and intrusive behaviors to establish and maintain such relationships.
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People who are high in the trait of narcissism, or who have narcissisticpersonality disorder, often escalate conflicts in all kinds of relationships until they “win.” For many of them, it is important that you also must “lose.” This generally is not a one-time event, but rather the way they want their ongoing relationships to be, with them constantly winning and you constantly losing or deferring to them. This can be in any type of relationship, but especially a “close” one, such as with a parent, child, sibling, romantic partner, spouse, close co-worker, or close neighbor.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of four Cluster B personality disorders in the diagnostic manual of mental disorders (the DSM-5-TR) for which this win-lose dynamic is a common factor. Research indicates strong associations with certain interpersonal behavior patterns for these disorders: “Antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorders, historically classified as Cluster B (dramatic-emotional-erratic) personality disorders, all showed moderate-to-large and significant associations with domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness.”1
Domineering, Vindictive, and Intrusive
These three relationship behaviors tend to keep the other person in a one-down position. In being domineering, a narcissist may be bossy, controlling, restricting of contact with others, and possibly even violent. Vindictiveness is often a punishment when someone else shows too much independence in a relationship—not accepting a one-down position, or expressing a thought that the other disagrees with. Intrusiveness may include demanding to know your thoughts, who you have been talking to or spending time with, and even insisting on scrolling through your texts and emails.
When such behavior—a mean comment, slap or shove, or public humiliation—appears early in a relationship, people often assume it was a mistake or one-time event, and that the other person will correct their behavior and, hopefully, apologize soon. But if that person has narcissistic personality disorder, they are unlikely to change and this pattern of behavior will repeat itself. Don’t expect an apology.
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