Archive | December, 2022

Worst moments of 2022

31 Dec

The whole year was bad. Worse than 2021, which had bright spots, and despite constant work harassment, was one of my favorite times in my life. I loved quarantining with my family and working from home! 2022 was one of the worst years of my life. The only comparably bad years were: 1993 (had to switch classes bc of Courtney drama), 2005 (dealing with sociopathic Douche post break-up), 2007-08 (narcissistic discard at the Cabin-Mansion). I bought a book about how to deal with people who have personality disorders to hopefully prevent some of this in the future.

I know this list is long, so I’m going to make separate posts too. But we have to wait for DWMHT parts A-T and Quesion… 1-20 to finish posting. Anyway, on to this list of awfulness:

#15 Worst Moment

Our settlement from from 500 Move (Glendale, AZ) was $84 and contingent on an NDA

FUCK them. I’m going to tell the truth about them everywhere possible. My silence cannot be purchased for $84 measly dollars. That is literally not even 1.0% of the money wasted. This is only so low on the list, because after all this company’s $hit, I didn’t expect much in the first place.

https://www.yelp.com/biz/500-move-glendale

https://www.bbb.org/us/az/glendale/profile/moving-companies/500-move-llc-1126-4001288/complaints

#14 Worst Moment

We had tickets to see the Indigo Girls! We slogged through work, too excited to concentrate. We primped and got ready. Cool and I ate at a (terrible and overpriced) restaurant nearby. Then, we walked to the venue through the high humidity, sweating through our cute outfits. And nobody was around… Strange. There was no line. Were WE first? I walked up to the door of the venue, and a post-it was taped to the window: Indigo Girls was canceled. But we didn’t get the memo. So we walked back home. I guess somebody got Covid, but nobody had emailed us, or anything like that. And the event wasn’t rescheduled for 9 months so we were afraid it wouldn’t be…

#13 Worst Moment

Jogre was promoted to supervisor (insert LWYMMD, “What?!”)

I know for a fact that at least one other person filed an HR complaint against her. I literally have 49 pages (standard margins, font, etc…) of logged incidents (over 11 months) with date and time of bullying and harassment. HR and the EEOC both said the amount of micromanaging and communications she had with me was excessive. Yet, the company thought she needed a promotion. What nonsense. I hope I never have to deal with her again, but it is always a fear because we’re both still in the same department.

#12 Worst Moment

Cool got Covid during our moving ambush. 

While in our packing and calling frenzy, Cool got Covid. Before the move, we had been quarantining-getting everything delivered, going nowhere. In all the months Covid had been on the scene, she went inside one store, correctly wearing a mask–and got sick. Cool slept for 23 hours a day. She would try to get up and watch TV, and nod off in 20 min or less. She had a headache, aching legs, and a fever. She had a gray paler and couldn’t eat or think. For example, we keep Clorox wipes under the kitchen sink to clean the counters. While I was packing a box, I said, “Will you wipe off the counters?” And she said (after taking like a 3 min pause to think) “with what?” I about lost my mind. And she couldn’t help me with any of the moving logistics because she felt so run down. There was not enough time off from work for her to get her thinking straightened out, so she had to process claims in a Covid fog. It just exacerbated the stress of the situation. I can’t believe I didn’t catch it from her being inside the house (unventilated in winter) and sleeping in the same bed.

#11 Worst Moment

The fucking prices were bananas!

Sure, sure supply chain problems. But also corporate greed. Everybody out to make up for their two year losses, and demand from cooped up people remains high, so nothing has hemmed them in. I hate our extreme capitalism. Of course during our 1476 mile move, gas was in the $5 range. We are spending LESS than we did the last two and a half years, but struggling much more to stay financially afloat. Regular groceries jumped from about $200/mo to (same or less groceries) $800-it’s obnoxious.

#10 Worst Moment

Someone broke Jasmine’s window in our gated parking lot. 

So much for the security gate, I guess they either lived here or climbed it. And we never heard if anyone got caught–per the usual here. There was nothing to steal, actually, they took one thing. I had a mini Bath & Bodyworks hand sanitizer bottle in the driver’s side door. The lovely smelling B&B had long run out, but I had refilled it with generic hand sanitizer. And that had sat in the AZ heat plenty of times, so I’m not sure it was doing much. They took that. I hope they were disappointed. And I hope they touched their face with a germy hand.

But the window needed to be repaired. Unfortunately, this is a huge issue in the city so we were far from the only ones on the fix-it list. Safelight made us wait forever (Sept 13 to Oct 4) to repair the car window and we couldn’t drive the car in all that time. Then, when they finally put in a new pane, he couldn’t fix it completely. The window will not go back up if it’s ever opened. And shards of glass were left in the back of the car. To add insult to injury, we still had to pay our $85/mo parking fee.

#9 Worst Moment

My company skipped my raise when I went to a market that was desperate for help and again when I was advanced trained in that market.

It’s a slap in the face, because every meeting was all about how behind they were, and how the mandatory 10 hour/wk overtime was indefinite (and been in place for the last three years). It was difficult to find and train people for that market because it is on an entirely different platform than the rest of the company. Yet, they still shortchanged me. I had been emailing with HR, then they just dropped out of contact. HR ghosted me for a month! And when I emailed the head HR lady (I had her info from when we moved states) she said–it’s a lateral move to the same position. Which is egregious because we had to be trained from January to late March just to be able to adapt to the new system. She knows damn well that is a specialized position requiring more skill than the average analyst.

As for the advanced training raise, both Cool and I had gotten a pay increase every time we were further trained. Obviously, because our added skillset was valuable. But not in this new, desperate market. I was skipped over, and I knew it was a waste of breathe to even ask. But it sucks.

#8 Worst Moment

Someone broke the lock mechanisms off the doors in our apt storage units.

“Lock broken, slur spoken” indeed. I had felt safe because you have to have key fob access to get into the property, where there are cameras. And you have to scan at the door to get into the building, and pass through the lobby which has more cameras. You have to use your key fob a third time to get into the storage area. But apparently someone who lives here broke the actual lock fixtures off of the doors. All of our padlocks were locked and intact, but the doors were ripped apart. This person rifled thru every box. They climbed up to the top of our washer/dryer to open boxes stacked to the ceiling. I couldn’t get up there without a full size ladder because I was too heavy and was crushing things, so they must have been more petite than me. They unpacked things, putting them in other boxes, or in a different storage unit (sometimes one of ours, sometimes a random person’s). For example, they took socks out of the homemade draft protector box, and put them in the very back, 4 deep, bottom box in one of other storage units. It was disconcerting. They opened our snow shoes and put the bag in someone else’s unit, put the pole in the hallway, and apparently took the 2nd pole of out there because we never did find it. So many things were like that! They unpacked and mixed up nearly every box of every storage unit, strewing it around. But they also stole things. Weird things like one box fan, a window plastic kit, blackout curtains, shower curtains, and a security bar. But also things I will miss like my snowboard jacket, helmet, gloves, and heavy Sorel snow boots among other things.  They left Cool’s snowboard gear aside from goggles and gloves alone, and luckily didn’t take her nice waterproof jacket. We never found out if anyone was caught. It took the property manager a full month to fix any of the locks, and since we had put bicycle locks on our units, they skipped fixing ours. Not only did I lose valuble necessities, but I have to do another insurance claim. And I have to re-pack everything, which is a whole big thing.

#7 Worst Moment

I had to file the moving claims.

They intentionally make it as difficult as possible to discourage you from filing. It was time-consuming and retraumatized me every time I had to work on it. I honestly think I have PTSD over the whole situation. The whole thing took months to prepare! The moving company’s insurance would not accept emails, files, usb drives, discs, nothing–it HAD to be snail mail. And of course it was a lot of pages, with some colored pictures to convey the damage. Going to the UPS store was a disorganized nightmare, that took 4 times longer than it should and required me to go behind the counter in the back and help. It cost more to mail the claim ($100) than we were offered as a settlement ($84). Actual size of the finished claim components:

Surprisingly, only #6 Worst Moment

Gunfight right outside.

How can an actual gun fight (with automatic weapons) be in the middle of a worst-of list, you ask? That explains my 2022–it was one of my worst years ever. See my other post about how scary and weird the gun-fight was. And there are now actual bullet holes in my car, giving it a ghetto aesthetic. Here, are some comments from my community, which ranged from apathy, to unrealistic do-gooders, to gun-happy, to judgy.

#5.5 Worst Moment

My supervisor micromanaged my every click and berated me over hours

We did group work during the entire advanced training. So I was able to gauge that I was picking the information up the fastest, and doing the best of my team. The trainer also told me I was doing really well on the last day. The day after training reports went out (I’m assuming mine was good) codename MNarc started treating me dumb. She watched me process claims for 30 min one day and an hour on another day. It was more time than she spent watching my peers (according to them). And she was “helping” me with things I did not need help with–like reading the workflow. She kept saying I was getting ahead of myself in the workflow when I wasn’t and said that I needed to learn how to read them (I’ve been using workflows at this company for over 3 years). But also she was saying the workflow was wrong, couldn’t be trusted, and she never used it.

She was telling me things like not to take notes, and saying my personal claims tracker was a waste of time that I didn’t need. Even after I gave her 4 ways that the tracker helped, she didn’t want me using it. She also said not to open all the attachments, just one. She told me if the EOB was for a different member than the claim, just to say YES there is an EOB. She said not to read into boxes, just answer the question they write–is there an EOB, YES/NO? Which leads you to apply that coordination for the wrong person.

I’ve worked there for over 3 years, so I knew some of what she was telling me was bad advise. Her words were contradicting my training, my work over the years, Cool’s training, and everything Cool’s teams have told her. It was confusing, and I didn’t understand what had caused the major change in MNarc’s demeanor. I was afraid that I present myself as confused and flaky. Why else does this keep happening to me? Jogre and KDouche also treated me like I was stupid (despite having access to my production data, and my end of the year review, which was the highest you can get on every quantitative measure).

So I went to YouTube and asked why my boss thinks I’m dumb. In researching why, I found out MNarc, KDouche, Jogre, and my ex-mentor are narcissists. Everything fell into place (there will be many future posts on this topic)! But I also felt shock and had an impending sense of doom. Being targeted by yet another narcissist that was in a position of power over me made me maximally anxious, hopeless, and depressed. How could this be happening to me again??!

#5 Worst Moment

Processing Tests (slightly different/worse than the processing belligerence of before)

I had to process for an hour and a half and another hour in front of JFM under the guise of support. But each of the five of us on my team had to process on one screen instead of the normal two, while JFM watched silently, and took notes on what we did wrong. Leadership kept saying it wasn’t a test, it was help, yet they wouldn’t answer questions–they were just watching and noting. Which is exactly like an exam. As you remember from my Riverpoint days, I have major test anxiety, and adding the layer of narcissism over that made me nearly incapacitated by stress. But I used all of my best test-taking strategies. I took it slow, read every instruction carefully, and double checked my work. I did not change answers or second guess myself or overthink it. And I made sure to write things down, showing my work because that helps me not get lost (or forget the little things) if anxiety takes over. I even took a deep, cleansing breathe between every claim to calm down. It’s nerve-wracking to be watched. Once, I floundered, then got confused, and spiraled into anxiety and panic-confusion. But then I stopped myself, closed the claim entirely, breathed and started over. JFM kept insisting it wasn’t a test.

Except I guess my screen-sharing froze. On my side, it looked just as it had the entire 40+ minutes, and I hadn’t touched it or done anything different. I didn’t even know there was a problem until JFM said my screen was in the same place it had been for minutes. My screen said “stop sharing” which indicated it WAS sharing. But for some reason I think JFM thought I unshared on purpose? I don’t know what’s so hard to believe about technical difficulties at my job–we are constantly having them! But I think she tattled, because MNarc suddenly came into my meeting and her tone was so over the top annoyed that it was completely unprofessional. And she was condescending. She was like, “go to the top right and press share” but like in the shittiest voice possible. I said, “I did.” I tried to un-share and re-share, but that didn’t help. I don’t know why they thought I was too dumb to share, or was un-sharing (after 40 min) on purpose. When JFM had watched me do 8 claims over almost an hour. I could tell both of them blamed me for technical issues of my screen not sharing. I couldn’t stop ruminating about how rude and belligerent MNarc was. I was dreading the next session. I had no one to turn to. We know how last year turned out when I went to HR, the Director, then finally the EEOC. I felt hopeless. 

I went to IT right away, and they were able to see my shared screen. They could see it via chat, and within a meeting. And they said they would be able to tell if there had been problems on my end–and there hadn’t. IT said the issue must be on my leadership’s side of things. And I knew my leadership would not want to hear that. I didn’t know what to do.

When the make-up test was scheduled, my screen showed I was sharing, but JFM couldn’t ever see it. Again, MNarc came in to our session and sounded SO annoyed. I’m not just exaggerating, Cool sits across the desk from me, and works at the same job, different market–and she said it was really bad. This tone was not work appropriate. MNarc was insinuating that I was either doing something stupid or purposely not sharing my screen. So I sent screenshots of the “stop sharing” over the meeting chat to show that my system said it was sharing. She lost her shit when I sent pictures and roared, “Why are you sending pictures??! Talk! How can we help you if you won’t talk to us??!!” Looking back, I think MNarc was trying to paint me as insubordinate, but when I sent physical evidence that it was an IT issue, it foiled her plan and upset her. She abruptly hung up the call.

JFM didn’t say anything about it! I said, “I’m not used to being talked to that way.” There was the longest pause, and then she just said to go back to IT, because the problem was on my side. I even sent her the entire IT transcript from before, but since MNarc said the problem was me, JFM believed the problem was with me.

MNarc went on vacation, so I asked JFM to call me. I honestly wanted her advise on how best to deal with MNarc in order to not provoke her. JFM seemed to get along with her, so I hoped she could give me tips about what to do and what to avoid. JFM pretended there was no problem. I was like, “Are you really going to normalize what happened the other day?” JFM made excuses for MNarc. She said she’s just blunt. And frustrated. And really busy. On and on. And I told JFM she’s a mandatory reporter of harassment, yet she didn’t say or do anything. Then, JFM went from making excuses for the bad behavior to saying she hadn’t noticed anything–I was just oversensitive… I was so frustrated and disheartened I had no allies because this flying monkey was brainwashed or afraid or both!

#4 Worst Moment

My company gave me a 5% COL raise.

Except they took away our quarterly quality bonus. Without my reward for quality four times a year, it’s a $0.37/hr pay cut!!! But the company mailed us a candy bar, amIright?! It’s a slap in the face. When we complained in meetings they gaslighted us and told us that it WAS a raise. 

#3 Worst Moment

Our landlord ambushed us with 25% rent increase on renewal.

When we moved into the house in Dec of 2019, we hoped to be there awhile. And the landlord said, “I hope you stay for 10 years.” We are great tenants paying on time and in-full, not wrecking the place or upsetting the neighborhood. After all was said and done only $100 was taken off our deposit, and that was for the damage 500 Move had done, not us. I just couldn’t fix it, because our tools were packed in the truck along with everything else. Anyway, we had been planning to stay but couldn’t pay the extra $400/mo. He gave us 5 weeks notice.  being completely unprepared for a move, I negotiated 8 weeks with prorating bc we weren’t going to make it. Packing, moving, and logistics were chaos for months. I was not ready to leave Arizona. We hadn’t been to the Grand Canyon, Saguaro Park, or Four corners. We hadn’t really been anywhere, because as temps we got no time off work, then pretty much as soon as we were both permanent employees, Covid hit. We were pretty much home for the entire 3 years we lived in the state. Cool and I got to drive through Sedona on the way out, but had 4 cats in the car so couldn’t take advantage of it very much. The whole thing was horrible, and put us in a financial bind. Luckily, we had been saving to replace Cool’s car, or I don’t know what we would have done. I wish bad things for that landlord.

#2 Worst Moment

500 Move, 5555 N 51st Ave, Glendale, AZ

On loading day (March 11) the 500 Move foreman said the broker (who had not identified themselves as such) HOMESAFE TRANSIT put down “27 boxes” in order to artificially lower our estimate and secure our business.  We had more like 250 boxes, and the moving foreman said, “This is going to cost “thousands and thousands and thousands more”. When he said that, and when he berated me for a full 30 minutes, I knew this was a bait and switch scam.  But we were between a rock and a hard place. Our lease expired at that rental house the next day, and utilities were being shut off the 12th. If we weren’t in St. Louis in person on the 14th of March, our lease would be canceled and we’d lose that deposit. If we haggled or tried to negotiate, this foreman seemed like he was going to just take his crew and leave. I did not think I could find movers for that same day, or make accommodations to move all the items, my Rav4, and 4 cats to a different state within the time-frame.  In short, I knew that was scammy and a bad deal, sketchy contract, but felt I didn’t have any other options, so I regretfully signed.  I had to pay $5,000.00 that day in order for them to load our stuff.  And I paid $3797.00 to get them to deliver it.

We had carefully packed, for example, putting shoes in shoe boxes then tying yarn around the boxes so they would not open in transit.  The movers redundantly packed our boxes into larger boxes, taking no care at all with even the most delicate things.  For one example of many:  Cowboy hats were thrown into the bottom of 5 foot tall wardrobe boxes, and heavy furniture and boxes were thrown on top, crushing them.  I had staged all the boxes on the patio and in the living room, and even with their carelessness, it took the two movers 4 hours to load everything in their truck.

As I was going through the contract, I noticed it said the moving company had 45 days to deliver our belongings.  I said, “That’s not gonna work!  It doesn’t really take that long, does it?”  The foreman assured me they are a national company who works with Alaska and Hawaii so that timeline is for the longer trips.  He said ours would probably take 1-3 days (total lie).  I underlined the 1-3 days portion of the contract and initialed by that time-frame (instead of the provided line by 45 days) to indicate my expectations.  The contract asked when we were available to accept our delivery and we wrote we’d like them to be there on March 16th.The AZ foreman did not say that this date would not be guaranteed, or explain their process of storing, and combining our items with other jobs. Kenneth at Home Safe Transit had said we would just tell the movers the date we wanted our stuff delivered, and he promised we would have the cell phone number of “his” movers to allow frequent communication with the driver ( a lie). 

500 Move was completely uncommunicative. That was not the case. We kept calling to get a status on when the truck would be here and got the run-around from Lisa, the lady who answers the phone no matter what option you press on the phone tree.  Communication was nonexistent and atrocious, and Lisa just seemed annoyed when we kept asking for an ETA.  We were told (for the first time) that our items were being stored in a warehouse, on their property, until the truck was available. It had not been made known to us that our items would be stored, or combined with other moves.  Had I known this was their process I would have never used this company! 

Lisa was getting very ugly on the phone so I said, “We are paying more than double any other company, literally ten thousand dollars, and I would like to see better customer service.”  Lisa doubled-down on her rudeness telling me, “10,000, 30,000, 100,000 gets the same customer service!  She refused to tell us when our stuff would leave the AZ storage facility, and insisted that we wait for an email 24 hours prior to delivery.  I told her we had not received that email at pick up so how could I trust that we would receive it on delivery.  She hung up on us during any pause in the conversation.  We kept trying to find out why we were waiting so long for our belongings to be delivered.  Nobody ever explained the process to us, or why there was a delay.  Did they not own their own truck? Did they only have ONE truck???  We were promised 24 hours before delivery, but we had been promised that at pick up too, and it didn’t happen so I was not confident. 

We were in our new place with just what would fit in a Rav4 (not much). A comforter and pillows, jammies, workout clothes, and 2 outfits each. Our work laptops (but not the 2nd monitors). And the 4 cats and their carriers, bowls, food, litterboxes and that’s it. After a few days of sleeping on the concrete floor we went to Walmart and got an air mattress, a card table and kids folding chairs to work on, and a bed for the kitties. Remember, 500 Move had charged $10,000 which was pretty much all of our money and our credit card limit (I had to apply for a credit line increase to make it). We had to shop around the whole store for an extended time looking for the cheapest items. We finally got mini cutlery in the baby section. It was sparse.

On March 21st we got an email when the truck left AZ, but the next day we didn’t hear anything.  Our items had been in a storage unit in AZ for a full 10 days! We didn’t understand where the truck was, or why it was taking so long to get to us.  We called, and Lisa said they didn’t know where the truck was or how long before our delivery arrived.  500 Move kept us in the dark and would not reveal what was happening. We just waited, not knowing what was going on.

The driver said they would arrive Saturday, March 26 around 11 AM. But it was 1:30 PM and we hadn’t heard from them. Completely unprofessional and uncommunicative as usual. At around 2PM, the driver said he was 5 miles away and got pulled over by the police. They said he could not continue driving in this wind. The driver said they would be waylaid until tomorrow.

On March 27 (6 days after the truck left AZ, 16 days after packing day, a full 2 weeks later than we wrote on the contract) They were supposed to show up at 8AM. At 8:47 AM the driver called and said he just woke up [LATE,LATE,LATE]. He needed to have his coffee and go to the bathroom [TMI] then he would be along. OK… When the truck arrived at 9:37 AM, it was two men that looked over 50 ( if not 60) years old, both with obvious COPD (yet still smoking), and both terribly out of shape.  It took them about an hour (until 10:20 AM)  just to park the 18 wheeler, which was packed with six other customer’s items, as well (there had been one customer prior to us).  Before unloading, the driver demanded $75 more dollars, in cash for “75 foot long-carry,” which I felt was sketchy because we were paying for a 2nd floor move, but the building has an elevator, so I was paying for stairs already that they didn’t have to use. But like everything else, I just paid it because we had to have our stuff back.

Even though we had paid literally $10,075.00 for the moving service, I moved the majority of the 250 boxes and rubbermaid bins (probably 40% of all of our belongings). Since the movers took a 35 min lunch break, and a 20 min break, and they moved with no urgency, it took 6 hours to unload the truck (we finally finished at 4:30 PM). As items came in, Cool was doing inventory, checking box numbers off on a list provided by the company. When there were no more items in the truck, the sidewalk, the hall, lobby, or elevator, that checklist still had many boxes unaccounted for.  The driver brushed that off, and had us sign the original contract under the box count.  I told him their box count was different (240 vs 266) on different pages of their contract, and also didn’t match the box inventory that we had been marking in real time.  He said that was fine (another direct lie), but I had to sign.  I thought it was sketchy that he also asked for my carbon copies of the contract’s box count so we could both sign that. 

Many, many things were damaged by the moving company:

500 Move took no care at all with any items.  They also took no care with either rental upon packing up or delivering.  While loading, they wrenched the curtains by the sliding glass door so hard that the curtain bracket was ripped from the wall!  They bumped and left scrape marks on the walls of the loft while delivering.  Luckily, the floor of the loft is concrete or that would have been damaged the way they were dragging heavy items.

They had carelessly stacked very heavy items on top of these smaller boxes, instead of putting lighter items toward the top of the load. As a result, 7 medium sized rubbermaid boxes were cracked, broken, and unusable. A long, christmas tree rubbermaid storage box was broken to pieces, and those shards cut and sliced the contents inside of that box.

When the movers were staging all the items, I saw a Walmart 5 shelf bookcase in the apartment lobby that had the back piece folded in one corner, akin to the first fold of a paper airplane.  I was helping load items on the elevator and that fold was the only damage on that shelf by the time that shelf went in the elevator.  Some time between the elevator and the door to our loft (apparently 75 feet, according to our extra charge) the movers were so egregiously rough with that lightly damaged piece of furniture that it was literally ripped in half and unusable by the time it got to my door!

A large 5 shelf pantry was carried and stored upside down, and handled so roughly the back board became un-nailed along the entire top of the shelf.  Both of the cambers were ripped out and completely unattached at the top left side.  The bottom frame was completely ripped from the sides.  We tried to repair it, but the walls were now too wide to hold the shelves, and the damage caused the pantry to shift forward, dangerously.

500 Move Dug into Our Secured Boxes to Steal:

I had a paperwork box and tucked inside the bottom was a wallet.  Tightly inside the clear pocket of the wallet was my spare car key.  When I opened the box after delivery, the wallet was at the top of the box and that car key had fallen to the bottom of the box. The box labeled “Wii” had no tape at all on it anymore.  The box labeled “computer games” had tape but a round rip was near the center of the box as if someone put their hand through. A box labeled “mail” was missing a new book of stamps. I had a clear rubbermaid packed full of shampoo, body wash, and lotion.  When I packed it it was so full I had to strategically move things around in order to fit everything.  Upon delivery, things in that box were loose and rolling around because so many things had been removed. A small shoe box sized rubbermaid contained bar soaps, bath salts, etc…  was packed so tightly that nothing moved.  Upon delivery, the box was half empty!

The company does not seem interested in finding the items. We called at least 7 days in a row from the delivery date to report more and more missing items and ask for an update on the status of the search for any lost things.  The receptionist, Lisa and dispatcher, Stephanie, seem annoyed that we keep calling.  On the 4th day we called they said they still hadn’t talked to the driver (even though the driver called headquarters prior to and immediately after our delivery) and couldn’t get ahold of the customer who was right after us.  They keep telling us to just file a claim, but we actually want them to finish the delivery that we paid them to do and give our items back. They declined to give us any contact information for the elderly lady immediately after us in Nebraska, or any of the other customers who delivered before and after us. 500 Move stated they looked for the items in their truck and warehouse and called all the other customers that had been loaded on the truck with us, and no one could find anything.  That doesn’t make sense to me, because I saw the rubbermaid containing the items we were now missing on the sidewalk in front of our complex on unloading day.  If we don’t have it, none of the following customers got it, and it wasn’t held back on the truck–where did it go?  I suspect they are not making an effort to track down our remaining items, and I would like to motivate them to do their due diligence so we can rescue our items.

We were not getting anywhere by calling or writing 500 Move, or via all our complaints against the company.  So my mom, tried to call 500 Move to get information and try to get them to give all of our belongings back.  She did not have success either.  She was unable to get much more information, and Lisa would not allow her to escalate the call to the owner.  My mom was able to find out that 500 Move had not yet entered their warehouse (10 days after notification) to search for any of our things!  Lisa said the warehouse was too crowded and it was difficult to find anything in there, so nobody had been sent to look.

And just to show the kind of sketchy company 500 Move is, here’s a random call we got from them 10 days after delivery:

4/5/22 @ 2:38 PM:

Cool:  Hello?

Caller:  Long pause

Cool:  Hello

Caller:  Sound of typing 

Caller:  Is Charles there?

Cool:  You have the wrong #

Caller:  Oh OK well Just so you know here’s the story of what happened. somebody named Charles asked for moving quotes from AZ to WI and wrote down a number one digit off so you might get several calls.

Cool:  That’s funny bc I just moved and had called for quotes–What company are you with?

Caller:  500 Move

 Cool:  That’s who we used. But we’re having a bit of a problem with some missing items.

Caller:  Oh I’m really sorry to hear about that. Stephanie our office manager usually handles that. She’s on lunch right now but I’ll give you her ext so you can call her.

Caller:  Stephanie 8775006683 & ext219

Cool:  And who am I speaking to?

Caller:  Anthony at 6023317010 “cold called” for 500 Move

Caller:  Who am I talking to?

Cool: gives name

I still don’t know what they were phishing for, but the call, was NOT random. They were up to something, and it was weird and unprofessional.

We’ve contacted the BBB, FTC, Move Rescue police for both AZ and MO, the Glendale non-emergency police line, the FCMSA, the Attorneys General of Missouri and Arizona, Mark Kelly (AZ Senator), 6 members of congress on the housing or transportation committees, and abc15’s Let Joe Know. We really don’t know what to do to get those items back at this point.  Everyone we’ve spoken to indicates this business and contract seem sketchy, and scammy, but nothing they’ve done is illegal.  That needs to change!  This whole situation is egregious and needs more regulation.  This has been the most stressful, horrible experience, and it seems like no one is able to help us.

#1 Worst Moment

The kittens opened the bathroom drawers locking the bathroom door closed.

The day 500 Move was finally supposed to deliver our stuff, after 14 days of camping. One of us got up for the morning and headed to the bathroom to pee. The door would only open a teeny crack. The kittens have always slept in the bathroom so that the senior cats can eat, sleep, and go potty undisturbed. Goose is underweight and blind and needs full access to food at night. And Bison tends to bully C.L. for fun, so it works out better to have them separate while we sleep. It has always worked out fine, the kittens have their beds, water, 2 litterboxes, and it’s their habit.

But in the night (the 15th night we lived in the loft) the kittens had opened all the drawers of the bathroom vanity. Unfortunately, some idiot had built the bathroom cabinets so that the drawers opened immediately next to the door. Even more unfortunately, the bathroom door opens IN to the bathroom, with the hinges on the inside of the bathroom.

The door would hardly open at all. I couldn’t get my hand through. The kittens were purring and nuzzling, but obviously couldn’t help the situation. When Cool wedged herself against the wall across from the bathroom door, and pushed on the door with her feet, it would open just enough for the broom handle to be pushed through. But there was such tension on the door, that the broom handle broke in half.

We have to pee first thing in the morning. And have been living in this empty apartment for 14 days–none of our stuff is there. We have no tools, and even if we did they wouldn’t have helped. I didn’t know what to do. And it was urgent, not only because I had to pee really bad, but because now two live animals were trapped. There was no way to even put food in there, let alone water. I was panic-stricken. What were we going to do if we couldn’t get into the bathroom before the movers arrived??! We had 2 cats locked inside, and 2 cats out in the apartment. The door is nearly flush to the floor so we couldn’t reach under.

I said fuck the deposit I guess, and started kicking the door hard, hoping to break the drawers and get in. The drawers were too strong. I tried to use the broken broom handle to force the drawer back in so we could open the door. But because you had to push the door open in order to get the opening large enough for the handle, it put tension on the drawer, and it sat diagonally on it’s track, unable to slide. Since the drawer was askew on the rails, and there was pressure on just one side, it would not slide.

This was BAD, and I didn’t know what we (or anyone) could do. It was Sunday at 5AM so there was nobody to call. We had to get the door open before the movers came!

I have no idea how I got my hand through. It was pure desperation. I shoved it through and it pinched and scraped my skin off and hurt. It was squeezed so tight and I could barely move it. But somehow through the crack that even a broom handle barely fit when pushing the door in, I got my whole hand and arm through. I had pure adrenaline so I don’t remember the details of how I jimmied that wedged, open drawer in order to close it. After 45 minutes we were able to close the drawer to open the door!

My hand and arm were scraped and bruised, the broom was broken, the drawer is completely bent on one side, and the drawers don’t slide properly on their tracks anymore. But we got to let the kittens out and finally pee that morning. And we needn’t have worried about the time, because of course the movers were an hour late, and it took them a full hour to park.

P.S. We took all the drawers out and put them in the closet, because even if we got child locks to keep them closed I would have been paranoid. That can NEVER happen again!

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Screaming Color & Damage Control [Part F]

30 Dec

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

Oh, how was I to know that

“The rest of the world was black and white but we were in screaming color” from Out of the Woods describes Taylor overtly recognizing that sapphic love (vs. comp-het) and rouses her from the twenty year dark night. 

Afterward, Taylor sees the world with new eyes.  The blue is brighter and more unique in Delicate (Question…  [Part 3]).  Taylor had an awakening because of this novel love she felt for this new type of person (a woman).  Taylor further conveys this new knowledge that she’s queer in Me! When she describes herself as not like the others and mentions the rainbow of colors (pride flag, LGBTQQAA all represented).  

When Taylor moved to New York City to be with this woman, her priorities changed from boys and money–to love.  She sings that sapphic love feels like freedom and home (Question… [Part 2]).  Taylor even dares to dream of her future with a woman in It’s Nice to have a Friend.  Though the song seems to be about a childhood friendship, it also applies to this situation because Taylor had a twenty year pause in her development.  In her twenties, Taylor is right back at 7 years old just learning to love authentically.  She has trouble crossing the boundary into queerness because of her heteronormative conditioning.  But in both that childhood song and in NYC, the female best friend dares to touch her romantically and it sends Taylor’s thoughts to a future wedding.  She is coming around to the idea that, though gay love is not traditional or fully accepted, she might be able to be happy anyway (Question… [Part 8]).  

I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pockets

Taylor is wistful here, saying could have been with this person forever, if only she had reacted differently to the dancing in public.  “Your hands in my pockets”  could mean Taylor and her girlfriend are hiding their figurative hand.  As in keeping poker cards close to the chest/vest (a secret) in order to win and make money.  Taylor could be saying that she wanted to stay lovers with this person forever, but hidden away from prying eyes.  YOUR hands in MY pockets also shows that these two were connected to each other.  Other songs tell us that sapphic love feels otherworldly to Taylor, becoming permanent like a tattoo.  But Karlie feels just as strongly. Putting her hands in Taylor’s pockets is an intimate (if not awkward) way to stand.  Going out of her way to hold Taylor, indicates how their love was reciprocal.  

In Ivy Karlie says Taylor is like clover and ivy, covering her.  In the song, Karlie also mentions how Taylor’s eyes are all she wishes to see.  In Peace Karlie assures Taylor that she can be the one to soothe Taylor’s depression, sit in the trenches with her, and she tells Taylor that her train could take Taylor home.  Furthermore, in both Peace and Ivy Karlie tells Taylor she would die for her. 

Unfortunately, Taylor’s priorities pertaining to her love-life are misaligned, and that hurts all of her girlfriends.  Taylor is already afraid she will age out of being an A+ pop star.  She already fears another backlash.  But Taylor’s biggest fear of all is being outed and losing her career (Question…  [Part 11]).  Which is why despite truly loving her woman, when Taylor is put in a corner about her sexuality, she always panics and denies it. 

Taylor’s own overcorrections when things look too queer hurts her lovers.  It makes Taylor’s lovers feel depressed, neglected, lonely, awkward, and forgotten when Taylor does her celebrity thing (and the closeting that goes with it).

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Awakening & Touching [Part E]

29 Dec

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Taylor’s realization that she is queer, has always infused anxiety into her.  Even way back in her catalog she had an inkling she felt differently, and she immediately tried to hide it.  The behavior is part of her standard protocol at this point.  Throughout her life Taylor’s fear of her sexuality caused her to hide, panic, scheme, and the result was loss and loneliness. Forcing sexuality into dormancy is distressing.  The torture of burying a crucial part of yourself would cause moroseness.  

Taylor uses the word “color” to convey she had a gay awakening (Question… [Part 3]).  The songs that have “paint” show that Taylor’s world lit up when she really felt love (instead of comp-het).  Someone opened her eyes in Everything has Changed and she felt passionate/invigorated, and more open than she had prior to that moment (Question…  [Part 3]).  The words planet/Saturn.  proclaim how extraordinary this person makes Taylor feel.  Taylor’s love feels enormous and vast to her (Question…  [Part 15]). 

Taylor is illustrating the contrast between this sublime and ethereal state and her previous condition.

Oh, and you held me close

Taylor feels more with women.  One of the first symptoms of queerness is Taylor romantically daydreaming about dancing with girls.  She goes through a trajectory of trepidation, then wonders if it’s a choice at all because desire to touch women feels so innate.  Next, Taylor won’t let herself cross the threshold into queerness, but gets thisclose to touching (so it doesn’t count).  It is all too tempting and she can’t resist, nor can she deny the obvious any longer. Longing to touch women changed who Taylor thought she was (Question… [Part 8]).

Yet, Taylor fears losing control if she touches women.  We talked about how the depths of the water in Marjory signify the unknown.  Taylor has never liked getting in too deep, where her feet can’t touch the ground, and she doesn’t know where she stands. 

But at times, the love and desire is stronger than fear.  You are in Love says, “For once you let go of all your fears and ghosts. . . You knew what it was.”  Taylor can’t quash her feelings any longer, this desire to touch women is proof her gal-pal or best friend is actually romantic love and sexual attraction.  “Wishing you had never found out/that love could be that strong” in Red, builds on this idea.  Now that Taylor knows she’s gay, she is more alive.  It’s out of her control screeching a speeding car to a sudden stop, flying through the free fall, yet she can’t go without it.  She’s blue when this person is gone, gray when she’s all alone.  Taylor is disturbed by the revelation that she needs this red, passionate love, and wishes she didn’t.  “I’m so furious that you make me feel this way,” in Gorgeous is that same magnetic and dangerous pull described in Red.  Taylor doesn’t like losing control, but here she is captivated by this gorgeous woman (Question… [Part 8]).  

Taylor judges the sapphic touching like it’s an addiction, and becomes obsessed with it. Don’t Blame Me has Taylor, high on her lover’s touch, begging on her knees, and giving up grace to touch her.  She’s torn between trepidation of this forbidden and dangerous love and feeling depressed when she doesn’t have it (Question… [Part 8]). 

Despite craving sapphic love Taylor also redoubles the bearding–it’s her safety net.  Ready for It…  the opener of Reputation shows a new bravado about the situation.  In the lyrics Taylor goes from he (the beard) to you (the gal she’s in love with) describing her future plans.  She will keep the beard as a cover for the sapphic love forever, and at night all the touching that Taylor needs can take place in private (Question… [Part 8]).  

Taylor jealously guards her new found love with a woman in End Game, Delicate, and Gold Rush.  Now that she crossed her boundaries and touched a woman, Taylor can’t be without it.  She frets that this person will leave her, they’ll choose someone else (a man?) over her.  And the thought of that makes Taylor miserable (Question… [Part 8]).  

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Repression [Part D]

28 Dec

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

My, my love had been frozen

Loving in shades of wrong.  Took a wrong turn.  Staying when it’s wrong.  The trend in all these “wrongs” is a stigmatized, “morally wrong” type of love (Question…  [Part 2]). Privileged (white, rich, female/straight-passing) Taylor, could love any dude and it would not be socially unacceptable.  I would say heterosexual behavior is conditioned from a young age and presumed as the default.  The love that is “tolerated,” the love that ruins relationships because it has to be cloistered, is sapphic love.  And Taylor told us in her Miss Americana documentary that she’s a people-pleaser and wants to fulfill that wholesome, pure, good girl social expectation (Question… [Part 2]). Queerness is in opposition to that mindset and goal.

In Seven Taylor says, “picture me….before I learned civility, I used to scream ferociously any time I wanted.”  At 7 years old Taylor’s thoughts and behaviors were intrinsic.  She acted viscerally, paying no attention to conventional rules and norms.  But as she aged she was molded to be socially acceptable and taught tact/virtue/compliance.  And in this rigidly patriarchal, heteronormative world, that means being a (straight) young lady (with feminine qualities) and hiding the socially objectionable (gay) parts of herself (Question…  [Part 16]).

The repression corresponds to the 20 year dark night mentioned in Daylight.  Taylor turned 30 years old the year that song was released, and twenty years prior to that was 1999, when Taylor was a 7-10 year old learning to sleep on her queerness for the sake of etiquette.  This was the start of Taylor stuffing down her innate sexuality, denying her attraction to women, and closeting when she couldn’t suppress her passion (Question…  [Part 16]).  She internalized these heteronormative [yup, that’s a form of homophobia] attitudes, offhandedly mentioning her and her love never painted by the numbers.  By framing their relationship as “different” or “weird” Taylor is telling us how the pressures to act straight are not just external, but internal as well. 

Except, the tarnished (stigmatized) touch was the only thing that made Taylor feel and come in from the cold, numbing snow.  Though Taylor was unthawed by this love, and her whole being was impacted, fear mostly wins out (Question…  [Part 8]).  Taylor keeps writing letters to come out about it, but ends up throwing them into the fire.  All the lies, closeting, and Taylor’s inability to be open causes all her greatest loves to die.  

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Molded for Capitalism [Part C]

27 Dec

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

Oh, how were you to know, and

At the start of her career, Taylor was too credulous, not realizing people have ulterior motives.  Over time, she learned to be more skeptical and less open. 

Adults began to refurbish Taylor to maximize her audience (and their profits).  She submitted to these public relations refinements and machinations when she was young and naïve.  Once she had the map of what is required to succeed, Taylor began to refurbish her own image.  She embraced and continued the PR ruse.  Still, there was a cost.  Her love-life suffers by being stifled so much that the flame is snuffed out.  

Over the last 15 years of Taylor’s career, acceptance of queer artists has evolved.  Yet Taylor has already boxed herself in.  If she doesn’t closet, Taylor’s most loyal fans that believed her every word along the way, will be disillusioned and irate that she lied to them.  (Question…[Part 6].

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Self Realization & The Answer to WHO is 25 [Part B]

26 Dec

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

First sight, yeah, we love without reason

Taylor is stunned that she’s “switched to the other side” and fallen in love with another woman (Question… [Part 10].  She yearns for this love interest lamenting that her passion is beyond her control–instinctual.  Taylor has an epiphany that despite her enthusiastically straight public façade, deep in her bones, encoded in her DNA–she’s queer. And she can’t live without her lover’s touch (Question… [Part 13]. 

This isn’t just about sex–witty repartee is part of the major beguilement.  Taylor is compelled to make fun of the way this captivating person talks (Question…[Part 14]).  Communication is a predominant love language for Taylor, and light mocking is the way she flirts.  She loves to trade quips and banter with this person.  They are on her level, and that makes them even more attractive to her. 

Though Taylor is swept up in this love, she still uses plausible deniability to maintain her straight image. The closeting behavior hurts these sapphic relationships, but happens so consistently that Taylor’s lovers don’t find this hurtful behavior surprising (Question… [Part 10].

Oh, twenty-five years old

It’s ambiguous if Taylor is the one that’s 25 or if this YOU is 25 since it goes from a WE to just OH (no indication of who).  No hints were given, and contextually it could be read either way. 

I, I [Taylor] loved you [mystery girl] in secret/First sight, yeah, we [both] love without reason
Oh, twenty-five years old
Oh, how were you to know, and/My, my love had been frozen/Deep blue, but you painted me golden/Oh, and you held me close/Oh, how was I to know that/I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pockets

option 1: This 25 year old secret gal loves Taylor without reason. Taylor asks mystery gal how were you [the girl, still] to know my [Taylor’s] love had been frozen [repressed/closeted], and she [Taylor] had been depressed. Mystery gal fixed all that by holding Taylor close, putting her [the girl’s] hands in Taylor’s pockets, and painting her [Taylor] golden [optimistic, free to love]. Taylor says if things had been different [if Taylor had made a different choice about the event in this song] she [Taylor] could have been with mystery gal forever.

option 2: Taylor is 25 years old and falls in love with mystery gal, which had never happened to either of them [we love without reason]. Taylor acknowledges the gal wouldn’t have known that she [Taylor] has repressed her sexuality and that Taylor lives a closeted lifestyle, complete with bearding. Mystery gal committed to the relationship, held Taylor close, had hands in Taylor’s pockets, and made Taylor happy. But mystery gal wasn’t aware of Taylor’s terms for a same sex relationship, and was put off by Taylor’s overreaction to the event in this song. Because of Taylor’s choice in that moment their relationship fell apart.

Taylor didn’t use I or you in that line because she was talking about BOTH of her most important romantic relationships (Question…  [Part 18]).  Each public anniversary of her most important loves are addressed simultaneously.  Taylor is talking about when Dianna was 25 on their SMBP (cover for wedding-ish event) AND her Kaylor anniversary (when Taylor was 25 years old) which was presented to the world in Vogue. 

On one anniversary it’s her lover that’s 25 and on the other anniversary it’s Taylor that’s 25.  

The lyric is more about Taylor being open about her most cherished sapphic relationships, than it is about addressing the song to one person. Dancing with our Hands Tied is about Taylor’s struggles, her chronic behaviors, and the consequences. More to come!

Dancing with our Hands Tied-Love in Secret [Part A]

24 Dec

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

I, I loved you in secret

In public, Taylor and her lover are magicians and illusionists, hiding their truth in plain sight.  And when they are alone there is sex and bliss  (Question… [Part 9]).  Secret moments in a crowd convey the closeted aspect of the relationship.  These two are in plain sight, but protected in a magical cloak of friendship thanks to heteronormativity (Question…  [Part 4]).  Taylor says this couple are starting on a fresh page and writing as they go in Cornelia Street (Question…  [Part 16]).  There is no precedent for this new type of relationship.  Even without a gameplan, this love is making Taylor drunk with happiness and a type of enthrallment she’s never felt before.  It’s stronger than anything they order at the bar.  

But Taylor’s back is against the wall. In order to maintain Taylor’s public image–these lovers have to walk on breaking branches to keep their true love a secret.  Each of them must beard and tell the rich people what they want to hear.  Still, neither person can let go of this love–Taylor especially is a hostage to her feelings  (Question… [Part 9]).

Question… Dancing with our Hands Tied Connection- who is 25 years old? [Part 18]

23 Dec

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

I tried to exhaust the possibilities of who Taylor might be talking about and on what timeline here:

10/16/02 John Mayer turned 25.

2/9/06 Tom Hiddleston turned 25.

2006 Emily Poe (21yo) and Taylor (16yo) met.

Dec 2006 Liz Huett (19yo) and Taylor (17yo) met.

2008 Julianna Hough (20yo) and Taylor (18yo) met.

Jan 2009 Calvin Harris turned 25yo

March 2009 John Mayer (32yo) and Taylor (19yo) met.

Emily was 25 in 2010.

Oct 2010 Jake Gyllenhaal (29yo) and Taylor (20yo) met.

Dianna was 25 in April 2011.

*9/5/11 Taylor (22yo) and Dianna (25yo) met.

Lilly Donaldson turned 25 in Jan 2012

*4/23/12 Swiftgron Anniversary(?) Dianna is still 25yo for 7 more days and Taylor is 22yo.

Liz Huett turned 25 in May 2012.

Julianna Hough turned 25 in 2013.

2013 Taylor (23yo) and Lilly D. (26yo) met.

3/6/14 the Karlie (21yo) and Taylor (24yo) Big Sur trip, and possibly their anniversary.  

*12/4/14 Kissgate occurred.  Taylor was turning 25 years old 9 days later.

Taylor was mostly 25 years old in 2015:

*Feb 2015 Calvin Harris (31yo) and Taylor (25yo) met.

2/13/15, best friends video.

*Feb-Mar 2015, Kaylor Vogue cover. Karlie is 22yo and Taylor is 25yo.

In response to the honeymoon cover-

2/16/15 Dianna (28yo) and Karlie (22yo) are in the same room.

May 2015, Karlie (22yo) is featured boxing in the Bad Blood video.

June 2015, Karlie (22yo) is featured on stage as part of the Squad for Reputation tour in London.

Aug 2015, Karlie (23yo) was invited as part of the Squad to the VMAs

Nov 2015, Karlie (23yo) is prominent at VSFS with Taylor (25yo) singing Style both wearing pink.

Joe Alwyn turned 25 in Feb 2016.

5/1/16 Tom Hiddleston (35yo) and Taylor (26yo) met.

Oct 2016 Reputation recording begins.

March 2017 Reputation recording is finished.

Karlie was 25 in Aug 2017.

Nov 2017 the song was released when Taylor was 27yo.

I think there is a plausible deniability cover story and 4 likely possibilities of who this line is about (in chronological order):

4/23/12:

At age 25 Dianna “first” met Taylor (publicly).  She was still 25yo on the suspected Swiftgron Anniversary.  

P.S. I don’t know that much about Swiftgron, but that random Shirley McClane birthday party (SMBP) is confusing to me (if that’s the real event).  Why?!!  So they had a party for some older actress they don’t know, and that’s not in attendance?  And the dress code was random glamour-jammies and flower crowns?  Is Shirley McClane into that stuff–I don’t get it :-/ 

BUT in the context of a super-secret wedding (or similar event) the outfits and party make a lot more sense to me.  Maybe this is already known down in the rabbit-hole…  But I think the SMBP was cover for the actual event–a wedding-type event.

12/4/14:

Some slight rounding of 9 days to Taylor’s 25th birthday when Kissgate occurred. 

2015:

Taylor could be talking about the whole year this person was 25 years old. The year Taylor was mostly (25yo) was a really loud Kaylor time:  Best friends video, Vogue honeymoon cover, boxing in the Bad Blood video, featured on the Reputation tour stage and at the VMAs as part of the squad, and the VSFS Style rose flush performance, +++. 

March 2015:

March 6 is the suspected Kaylor anniversary (Big Sur trip 3/6/14). This would be their one year anniversary, and it’s significant, because very couply, wedding-looking, sexy bedroom pics were shared with the world. That March that very honeymoon Vogue cover and spread came out. It’s a big deal for Taylor to look fruity on main.

Oct 2016:

Joe Alwyn happened to be 25 years old when Taylor started recording the Reputation album that this song from.  Seems like a possible cover for the subject of the song.

Question… Dancing is Exemplification of Uninhibited Sexuality [Part 17]

18 Dec

Ok, thank you for your patience while I worked on this next part.  We are still doing the same thing–looking at specific words in the song in Taylor’s other songs to see how she means them.  It’ll help decide what this song is saying.

The main event in Question… is this kissing of someone in a crowded room.  And the result is laughing, clapping, ditching out, feeling regretful.  I can’t know for sure what Taylor is talking about, but I do know she said the songs from Midnights is her story.  This is not a fictional album.  

And Lavender Haze told me Taylor is not married (and doesn’t want that 1950s shit) so this kiss is not the end to a wedding ceremony.  Besides, the song says in a crowded room and a TS wedding would be BIG news, and we haven’t heard of it.  This is not about a secret wedding, it’s some public event.  

I can only think of Taylor kissing inside a room when it’s crowded with people one time:  KissGate.  I want to finish the Question… analysis by looking at a super-similar song, Dancing with our Hands Tied, suspected to be about KissGate.  Before we can do that, we need to look at the way Taylor uses the word, “dance” throughout her catalog.  So first, the songs with that word, then we’ll try to decode Dancing with our Hands Tied, but with Question… in mind.  Don’t worry, I’ve written ahead, and this does come together despite this description being chaotic.

Dance:

Never Grow Up

Taylor loves her childhood and wishes she could have remained there (Peter Pan).  In Never Grow Up she is telling a young person (her younger self?  A relative?  A friend’s child?) to appreciate their childhood while it lasts.  In the song “dance” is used to show having no inhibitions.  The child dancing before school is free from worry about what others think.  Taylor tells us we lose that as we age.

Fearless

The glow on the wet pavement is reminiscent of all the celestial words.  It creates a dreamy, larger than life image where this YOU (a girl) interests Taylor.  “I wonder if you know” is a telling phrase, because female friendship and romantic flirting can look similar, especially under the veil of heteronormativity.  Taylor imagines herself dancing with this person.  But her fears even creep into her fantasies.  This person has to drag her to dance.  And they dance in a storm.  The weather for the dance is threatening, because Taylor fears the reaction of the community would be stormy.  Yet, Taylor wants to be close and dance with a girl in public, wearing her best dress.  In her mind, Taylor will be fearless.

Long Live 

Long Live was written about the band for plausible deniability.  “Me and you” (vs. us, the band, a collective) made magic and were able to crash through the walls and enter the kingdom.  Taylor has focused in on only one other person in the song.  Taylor isn’t talking about a whole band, just the ever reappearing YOU (aka a secret female) who is in so much of her catalog. 

Taylor begins in the out-group, which has multiple meanings:  Before fame, ostracized love.  “The walls we crashed through” is a pretty gay line.  Walls can be obstacles to clear to break into the music industry, it could be records shattering.  But walls also enclose something forbidden to the out-group (normal love and acceptance of that love).  

And the magic they made (their chemistry contributes to the end-product of music that is acclaimed) allowed them to infiltrate this kingdom.  The kingdom is the music industry, upper echelons of fame, and the feeling of being normalized.  Taylor seems shocked (“I was screaming”) that “the crowds went wild” and “we” were named royalty.  There is an impression that Taylor feels they duped the kingdom to allow them entry in this sacrosanct place where they had been unwelcome.  

”The kingdom light shined just for ME and YOU.”  “Danced” is used to show the elation, relief, and liberation now that this pair has beguiled those who previously disparaged them.  YOU is feeling like a hero and they both know their lives will never be the same.  Now that they have conned their way into the in-group with their talent “it was the end of a decade but the start of an age.”  The two have broached fame and their love finagled the kingdom’s acceptance.

Tim McGraw

The moon, a symbol of femininity, is prominently featured in Tim McGraw.  YOU (we know her already from other songs) is wearing a little black dress and Taylor is in old faded blue jeans.  “Danced” is a tool that shows these girls are more than friends.  The letter that was never delivered to the other person reminds me of “the hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you” in The Archer.  Taylor tries to come out, but loses her courage for fear of losing her audience.  The letter to this girl in Tim McGraw reveals Taylor’s romantic feelings, but Taylor loses her courage and the words remain safely under her bed. The unsent letter  also reminds me of “writing letters addressed to the fire” in evermore. A song about losing a special lover due to her bearding and closeting. Again, Taylor wrote the coming out letters, but didn’t have the courage to make them known.

Welcome to New York 

Beautiful Ghosts

“Everybody here was someone else before” is the core sentiment of Welcome to New York.  To me, it speaks to a common queer experience of leaving a condemned life in a rural/conservative area in search of acceptance and other gays.  Once out of the small towns, LGBTQQAA people are more free to be their authentic selves.  Dear Reader talks about this too:  “Get out your map, pick somewhere and just run…/Burn all the files desert all your past lives/and if you don’t recognize yourself/that means you did it right.”  WTNY talks about entering a city life and putting broken hearts in a drawer.  Now that these queers are in a larger, more liberal city they can put all the rejection and bullying behind them.  Forget it and be who you want (homo examples were given).  The new soundtrack is the unfamiliar, open life these queers are now allowed to lead.  “Dance” is again used to show freedom and belonging.

The fact she’s haunted (Taylor-speak for gay) keeps her away from normal society in Beautiful Ghosts.  She wants to be wanted, but it isn’t safe because of her innate sexuality so she wanders aimlessly and alone.  Her queer peers let her into this special world and she finally experiences being wild and free (vs. constrained and uptight).  Taylor never feels so alive as when she is with other queers and her lover.  Taylor clings to this new life, sadly remembering her past life in the straight world.  In the end she “dances” (joins) the other ghosts (queers) because that’s who she is, and they accept her for her true self.  

Out of the Woods

Why does this couple never stand a chance?  (They’re sapphic and that is denounced).  This very mundane moment of dancing in Out of the Woods (a very anxious song about fear of being discovered) is regarded as a night these two could never forget.  Why is dancing at home so special?  I interpret this awe to Taylor’s incredulousness at being able to be intimate with another woman.  She never expected she could venture out of her comfort zone and be free in that way.  This song is a prelude to I Know Places and here, Taylor didn’t expect she would be able to have private love and escape the hunters.  But the moment is tinged with sadness, because Taylor knows inevitably her career will be her priority and she will have to hide this part of herself at the expense of this relationship that makes her feel so good.

Holy Ground

“We blocked the noise” could be the literal sounds of the city.  Secondly, the couple’s desire towards each other blocks out any criticism from society.  Taylor notes that she has something to lose for the first time.  Despite all her previous crushes and dating, this is the first time a relationship feels substantial to her.  It’s different from the rest (because it’s with a woman).  Even after the break-up, when collected dust shows the passage of time, Taylor sees the face everywhere because this person stays on her mind. 

Don’t look down is a common saying meaning to stay focused on the action you’re taking, and don’t catastrophize about everything that could go wrong.  Taylor and this person were so into each other that it was one of the rare times that Taylor wasn’t anxiously ruminating about how everything could fall apart in her life.  At the end, Taylor makes clear this (dating women) would not be a new pattern of behavior.  She only wants to “dance” (feel this carefree and calm about being sapphic) if it’s with this special person.

Cowboy Like Me

When this person asked Taylor to dance she knew it meant more than just holding each other in public for a three minute song.  “Takes one to know one” is Taylor saying she recognized that this person is also queer, like her.  They both have the same motivation–to hide their sexuality from the public, via pretending to love each other.  It’s protection.  Taylor knew this commitment to dance was her new life–she would never really love someone she actually has feelings for (women) again. 

In the prior songs, Taylor construed the word “dancing” as releasing inhibitions, feeling free to love, relief and elation at the ability to let go and be herself (sapphic).  Here, she says, “dancing is a dangerous game.”  The dancing is not authentic as before, it’s a show, a game.  These two do not really love each other-they are together to appease the heteronormative public and remove scrutiny of their public personas.  “Tricks up my sleeve” proves Taylor and this person are dancing in order to deceive.  Neither of them prioritized love, they both want the car/$$/fame.  There has been an agreement to look outwardly romantic with each other to trick the people with money into financing them.

Betty

“You heard the rumors from Inez [it’s not an accident that this rhymes with Perez.  As in Hilton, a mean gossip].  “You can’t believe a word she says/most times, but this time it was true.”  James/Taylor and Betty/Karlie/Dianna/(insert any woman) are more than friends–they’re actually lovers. Taylor comes out right there.  But with a lot of plausible deniability built in. 

A major event in Betty is a lavender wedding in Taylor’s real life which was translated into a high school dance for the fictional stand-ins representing the real people. 

Two cowboys have to sell their relationship to the world in order for investors to be cool with them (homophobia is real).  But Betty has to impersonate someone in love to make the public believe it.  James can’t watch this travesty-it hurts too much to see Betty act in love with the guy.  James does not attend this event.  Besides whenever James/Taylor goes anywhere crowds form and watch her every move.  She cannot pretend to be cool with Betty’s lavender marriage.  But Betty has to sell this straight relationship.  In doing so, Betty is so convincing that her girlfriend James buys that the act is real.  James sees Betty dancing with HIM and loses it (enter the entirety of Afterglow).  Betty is publicly with this dude, but James/Taylor finds this threatening because dancing is their thing.  “Dance” is used here to show allegiance and belonging.  Except James jumped to conclusions and put Betty in jail for something she didn’t do.  Now James/Taylor is remorseful about flying off the handle like that and just wants to kiss Betty/her female lover in front of her stupid friends (the media, fans, & public).

Back to Dancing with our Hands Tied which has many commonalities with this kissing in a crowded room central to Question…

Taylor construes “dance” to mean having no inhibitions. She talks about how children are willing to dance without shame. The word is used to show the elation, relief, and liberation of being herself, as in the song, Long Live.

Taylor also uses the word to clarify between friendships and romantic relationships. Dancing is Tim McGraw shows this distinction. Fearless also uses the word, “dance” to demonstrate Taylor’s profound feelings for this girl are not platonic. She is consistently using the word, “dance” to show freedom of sexuality. In Out of the Woods, Taylor is astonished to be intimate with this woman, as she never expected she could venture out of her foxhole to be unguarded. Holy Ground is the same sentiment. “Dance” is being unbothered and happy-go-lucky in her queerness–a state Taylor enters only with this specific person.

Slightly adjacent to being in an uninhibited, unflappable mode relating to her queerness (NOT her default state of anxiety and fear) Taylor uses “dance” to express allegiance and belonging. When she dances in Welcome to New York it shows that Taylor found people that accept her and “Dance” is used to show affiliation with these urban queers. Same with Beautiful Ghosts. She “dances” or unites with these other gay people because that’s who she is, and they integrate her into their chosen family.  

Lastly, Taylor uses dance to show intimacy between two people. One conflict of Betty was that the dancing as spectacle was misconstrued as legitimate. A chain of negative reactions from James followed the act of dancing and the relationship between James/Taylor and Betty/female lover suffered. In that song, Taylor wants to rectify the situation by publicly kissing Betty/this woman she loves. Paradoxically, Taylor uses the same tactic of dancing in Cowboy Like Me to misrepresent her sexuality to the rich folks. She dances with this other queer person to look outwardly romantic and mollify homophobic reactions.

The preponderance of “dancing” in the catalog is relaxation and ease with her innate sexuality.

It’ll probably be a few days, but next we’ll look at the entire song, Dancing with our Hands Tied.

Question… Kaylor-Politics Fear, Fire, & Smoke. Many Songs are Tied Together [Part 16]

14 Dec

Taylor wins the pronoun game.  I’m not even going to try to untangle the speaker/recipient/changing characters in this song. Ok maybe just a little in this section. It was written so convoluted that I haven’t even seen a satisfactory answer to this yet.  Instead, I took lyric snippets from other songs featuring the same word, to get a feeling about Taylor’s sentiment and even subject. Don’t get overwhelmed with the length of this post.  The word I’m trying to point-out from Question… lyrics is highlighted. 

In Question… the next verse has a change in Taylor’s tone of voice.  It sounds almost sarcastic when she sings:

And what’s that, that I heard, that you’re still with her?

You’re still with her.  Who is Taylor talking to?  And who is HER?  This is a main reason why I wasn’t going to play the pronoun game with this particular song.  I think Taylor wrote it in a way that couldn’t be decoded.  She didn’t call and tell me.

Is the “you’re” Taylor is talking to, Karlie?  If so, it implies Karlie is with (dating?) HER.  And I don’t know who that could be.  It doesn’t seem plausible that Karlie would “marry” Jo$h, have a baby with him, leaving Taylor in the process. All to just get a different secret girlfriend?  I mean, IF Karlie wanted a WLW affair, Taylor has made it more than clear that her door is still open to Kaylor.

Is the “you’re” Taylor speaking to Jo$h?  I don’t think it can be, because immediately preceding this line the lyric is, “Does it feel like everything is just like second best after that meteor strike?”  In the last entry we showed through other celestial lyrics that the meteor strike is this otherworldly, untouchable love.  And Jo$h was not involved other than as an antagonist, threatening to burn the house down. What would be second best to him?  Taylor is referring to Klo$$ner(?!) AS the thing that’s second best to Kaylor.

The YOU’RE must be Karlie because the meteor is definitely Kaylor.  But I really don’t think Karlie is with another woman (HER).  So even though it seems random and out of context, I do think Taylor is using Hillary Clinton’s unofficial slogan to make fun or mock Karlie’s feeble “I tried” tweet, hence the sarcastic singing voice in this verse.

That’s nice, I’m sure that’s what’s suitable

And Taylor does mention “fuckin’ politics and gender roles” in the verse right before this one, so it could make sense for the song to allude to Karlie’s political hypocrisy.  [Sidenote: “counterfeit” and “faithless” are both synonyms of “hypocritical” and Taylor uses those in other songs, which could be talking about this very matter.]

And right, but tonight

There aren’t common lyrics in the song I’m about to reference, but I do think there is a connection. The political talk and the word “tonight” reminds me of Daylight. 

Daylight

Is it Karlie that “ran with the wolves” (the Ku$hners, her neighbor and sister in-law Ivanka, by extension the Trumps) adjacent and complicit to republican evil?  It’s also interesting that Question… could be addressing the subject matter of Daylight because it goes with our overall thesis that Taylor’s central problem is closeting.  

Daylight came out [ha!  Accidental pun] in 2019, the year Taylor turned 30 years old.  Twenty years prior to that it was 1999 and Taylor was around 9.  In Seven Taylor says, “picture me….before I learned civility, I used to scream ferociously any time I wanted.”  At 7 years old Taylor acted viscerally, shouting her truth and paying no attention to anybody else’s expectations, or to social rules.  But as she aged she learned manners/tact/compliance…  She was molded to be socially acceptable, and in this patriarchal, heteronormative world, that means being a (straight) young lady (with feminine qualities).  It corresponds to the next year of age entering into a dark night, sleeping on her queerness for the sake of etiquette.  The stuffing down her innate sexuality, denying her attraction to women, and closeting when she couldn’t repress herself.

In 2016 Taylor “became the butt of the joke” when her reputation was ruined.  She met Karlie and fell deeply in love, which helped Taylor see past the drama-induced pain.  The enthrallment also reminded Taylor of her innate queerness.  During the lover era, Taylor may have planned to come out.  Precisely because Kaylor prompted Taylor to wake up from the dark sleep of hiding her sexuality (maybe even from herself).  Taylor was so happy about being in love and seeing daylight that she wanted to share her feelings with the world.  But the master’s situation foiled that plan at the last minute.

Afterglow might be alluded to in the next line of Daylight, “I wounded the good [Karlie?] and trusted the wicked.”  Afterglow explains that Taylor thought she had reason to attack.  She pinned Karlie’s hands behind her back, and made her feel helpless, hopeless, ambuscaded.  But it turns out Taylor blew things out of proportion, and it was Taylor who burned them down. 

I don’t know what happened.  Did Taylor think Karlie’s first wedding was legitimate and an ambush to desert her?  Or is this lyric indicating Taylor felt Karlie betrayed secrets to Jo$h and or $cooter which enabled them to buy her masters at exactly the wrong time for an official coming out?  I don’t know, because I’m not sure any song is specific enough to untangle it.  What we do know is that whatever Karlie may have done, Taylor says she overreacted.  

Daylight continues, “clearing the air I breathed in the smoke”

Let’s talk about the connotation of smoke. Again, I’ll right-align the songs that contain the word since “smoke” is not in Question…

Cardigan and The Archer talk about the smoke left behind from the fiery Kaylor break-up:

Cardigan

The song speaks to things pertinent to our discussion:

1. Taylor knew she was Sapphic back at Seven even though adults assume you are just in a phase or confused as a young queer.  Especially fathers, according to Mary’s Song, where the daddies were notably absent from the fantasy wedding, which might explain the “leavin’ like a father” in Cardigan.  She compares herself to Peter Pan, who never grows up.  Taylor wants to be like that 7 year old freely getting close to the girl with the braids.

2. Karlie impacting Taylor forever (like a tattoo) is mentioned again.  Kaylor will haunt Taylor, and she will curse Karlie.  I will put the part about how Taylor regards her gayness like a curse, and says she’s haunted to mean she’s sapphic as a reminder of what we previously decided:

3. The 3rd pertinent thing in Cardigan that ties back to Question…, Daylight, Afterglow, is the smoke remaining after the fire.  In Ivy it was Taylor who pushed Karlie away and told her to run. 

These lines are from Karlie’s point of view:  

Ivy

This perspective shows Karlie suggests Kaylor take a risk and stay together.  Even with the “husband” in the picture (“drink my husband’s wine” = Jo$h’s wine).  But Taylor doesn’t wanna share, she says in Delicate.  And so Cardigan talks about how Karlie finally “ran like water” “steppin’ on the last train” because of Taylor’s stipulations (me or him).

Smoke is mentioned in The Archer, where Taylor is talking about her struggle with the closet.  She wants to keep her fans and fame, but it hurts her relationship with the girl. The song The Archer also mirrors the 3 items we talked about in Cardigan:

The Archer

1. Taylor never grew up and is still playing Peter Pan.  She wants to be regarded as the ‘good girl’.  Taylor can’t let herself go rogue, and come out of the closet for fear of losing everything.

2. Taylor views her queerness as a curse and haunting.  She paces like a ghost, unable to sleep because of the anxiety. But Karlie got under her skin and will impact her forever.  Taylor knows it’s unfair to ask Karlie to closet with her (“who could stay?”) but desperately wants to hold onto her (“help me hold onto you”). YOU is Karlie and the fans.

3. It’s Taylor who pushes Karlie to run, and take the last train.  It’s Taylor who jumps off the train and rides off alone.  She can’t stand the heat, is constantly afraid of the impending fire, and the invisible smoke hangs over her.

The heat is gay rumors and Karlie’s decision to remain with Jo$h. 

The fire is getting burned by coming out or worse, being outed.  The fire is the terror of Ku$hner-power hurting her to quell Kaylor.  The fire is Karlie’s “family” situation conflicting with Taylor’s own ideas of a fairytale life. 

The smoke is unrealized events that Taylor dreads.  The smoke is every time Taylor is gay on main and too many people notice.  The smoke is damage control by Taylor’s PR team and Taylor’s own overcorrections when things look too queer.  

Taylor suffers because she loves the gal, but also knows how “out(ed)” celebrities lose their fame and die all alone.

Daylight

Which brings us back to Daylight.  The smoke Taylor breathes in when trying to clear the air is Taylor holding onto imagined negative outcomes.  Running damage control and overcorrecting any gay situation.

The pain of picking closeting over the love of her life time and time again makes Taylor feel asphyxiated.