Last Saturday, we skipped cleaning the apartment and calling my parents in favor of going to the zoo. We love zoos, and last time we went to the Phoenix Zoo (our first time since moving here) we hadn’t realized it closes at 4 PM. So we had missed 1/3 of it.
We dressed in our brightest orange shirts. Little known secret-if you dress in super-bright colors you see more animals, better. The animals will come out of hiding places, wake up, and engage with YOU because you are bright and interesting to them. We learned of this at Salt Lake City’s Tracy Aviary. A bird was in the middle of a training session in preparation for the open air show they do. It saw Cool in a bright shirt, and flew away from its trainer to check her out. Ever since then, we have been an effort to make sure and wear our brights–I usually do, anyway.
Navigating parking isn’t fun. It sucks enjoyment out of it for me because I don’t like driving, dealing with traffic and unfamiliar roads, or finding/paying for parking. We moved to this apartment in part, because it’s within a reasonable walking distance to the light rail. It’s 1.8 (maybe 0.8?) miles walk. Easy for us since we are constantly walking to the canal to run, walking around the city to explore, and walking for exercise or enjoyment. We’ve walked more than 3 miles at a time at least 4 times in the last month, and one day we went 7 miles. It’s routine. Anyway, we walked to rail and went to the zoo on public transportation.
Our day at the zoo was really fun. Many exciting things happened. But this particular post isn’t about that. We made a full day of it and got tired so decided to head home around 1:30 or 2 in the afternoon. We commented how rail is the worst on the way home, because it’s so easy just to drive and be directly, and quickly there. Alas, we walked to the stop, waited for one to come, endured many stops, and got out at the stop closest to home. Then, we just had to walk the last couple of miles as we have done so many times before.
At the last intersection before home we had to cross south, then cross west before walking the last block home. The light is always long at that intersection. The traffic was heavy in all directions, being a Saturday afternoon. 2 bikes and another walker (or was it 2 walkers and a bike?) were waiting opposite us to cross north. Finally, the light changed, we got our walk sign, and began to cross-as did everybody else. There are 3 lanes in each direction, and the 4 main ones were all full of cars waiting at the red light, ready to speed westward when our turn was finished. What wasn’t full was the right-most lane.
Cool usually walks slower than I do. She nearly always lags behind me, so that I’m constantly nagging her to catch up/keep up. That day, she was out in front. I don’t know why. She was halfway across the first lane and I was a little in the intersection, when a black car came up. Time slowed down and I had several thoughts as this happened
The car will slow down
The front bumper of this car is literally touching my shins
When this car stops, I’m going to look up and glare at the driver-asshole!
Simultaneously:
I have to jump back to get out from in front of this car
and
Cool is too far away, I can neither pull her back out of the road, nor push her forward out of the way.
The car is NOT stopping!
The black car, which had a Jimmy John’s sign on the driver’s side roof HIT Cool. She was just past the center point of the front hood. The car almost hit her right at its middle point–this was not like me, an almost got hit. It was also not, feel the wind a close call. Cool didn’t get hit a little on a corner or at an angle. She got hit in the center of the car, because she was in the center of the lane–maybe just past it.
It struck me (pun) how hard Cool was hit. I couldn’t believe my eyes, and my brain was astonished that this was really happening. The car making a right turn on red (west bound with intention of heading north-bound) when it struck Cool hard.
What my brain also noticed was that instead of going down and under like I’d thought, Cool was lifted off her feet. She hit the hood of the car with everything from her ankles up. Physics are sometimes counterintuitive.
And she hit hard, with a dramatic crunching sound. It ran through my mind that a lot of people might saaay they’ve been “hit by a car,” when what they really mean is they had a close call, got pinged by a little edge of the car, or felt the wind. I thought-Cool is getting hit by a car–for real.
Then, she bounced off the car and into the street. I didn’t really see her land, because my attention turned to the driver. I was furious! The driver only noticed people in the crosswalk AFTER Cool bounced off her car. Even though we had the right of way, and both of us were in bright ORANGE shirts. She had been on her cell phone.
The driver opened the door and leaned halfway out, black curly hair coming out wildly from under the black Jimmy John’s cap. She was wild-eyed in terror and said, “should I call an ambulance?!” I looked right at her and yelled, “Pay attention!” She totally ignored me and panic-stricken repeated, “Do you need me to call an ambulance?” And I repeated, “You need to pay attention!“
Then I turned my attention back to Cool, who was sitting up in the road. She looked to be in one piece. I didn’t see anything dramatic wrong with her. And she looked like she was in shock, but not brain-damaged. Her eyes and face looked OK to me.
All I thought was, we need to get home. I didn’t want a repeat of the snowboard incident (that took us 4 years to pay off) so I wanted to get her home. I tugged on her arm, trying to help her up and said, “get up, get up.” She didn’t attempt to get up at all, and I knew she was in shock after taking a big hit like that. I coaxed, “please get up, c’mon get up, get up, honey, get up.” She thought for a minute, then stood up.
She made a shuddering sound and I thought she might cry. Which is fine, but we were in the middle of the street, and I also didn’t want her to think too much so that she collapsed and we couldn’t get home.
Cool has been known to be a hypochondriac, and this was a ‘for-real’ big thing, so I didn’t want her to think about it and aggrandize it any bigger than it already was. I figured we would get her out of the busy street, get her inside the house so I didn’t have to carry her or something, and THEN we would take an inventory of the damage and deal with whatever from there.
She limped as we walked the rest of the way through the crosswalk, and I didn’t know what injuries she might have sustained or the severity of them. But I didn’t want to find out in the middle of the desert street.
I was obviously distracted, but I don’t remember any of the other pedestrians crossing the way actually stopping. And I can’t recall any of them voicing concern, or asking Cool if she was OK. I think they just continued on their way.
The other thing I think I remember, but I’m not sure, and it doesn’t seem right, is I think I saw we still had 13 seconds on the crosswalk countdown. But that doesn’t seem right at all, so much happened, I don’t know how it could have been that fast. . . But I don’t think the traffic went through and the light changed cycles either.
On the way across, one of the drivers of a car waiting at the red light rolled down their window and asked if Cool was alright. I don’t remember what either of us answered, but I thought that was nice of him.
Then, I don’t know if I was preoccupied with worry, or also in shock, but I don’t remember waiting for the next crosswalk sign. We had to now cross the other street in the intersection west, and I remember standing there a long time. I remember Cool seemed like she might start crying again, and I told her she could cry, but please wait til we were safely home. And I remember another bicyclist was waiting also, to cross south where we had just come from. I think he missed the incident, because he told me we could cross, but when I looked up I’m sure I saw the red hand. So I don’t know if we were out of it and missed our turn, or if he saw no cars so he suggested we shouldn’t wait for our signal or what. But I saw the red hand and told him she was just literally hit by a car, we’re not taking any chances.
I thought I should call Jimmy John’s and report their careless driver. Mostly, I wanted them to reprimand her, and send a company-wide message to not be using cell phones while making deliveries. I called the closest location, and the manager wasn’t helpful. She kept (pretending) not to hear my story of what just happened, and didn’t really want to deal with me. She ended the call by saying that no female delivery drivers were actually on the schedule–now. I called the other closest branch, and that manager said he doesn’t even have any females employed as delivary drivers. The third, farther location didn’t really make sense, but I called and some dope answered. Turns out, the dope WAS the manager, and in charge of scheduling, but also didn’t have any females driving that day. I asked to speak to HIS boss. He told me he didn’t have the phone #. I asked for the corporate number, and he did seem to take a while to try to find it–I could hear him shuffling papers, then typing. I feel this ought to be easily found, but he never could help me and he sent me to the internet.
We got home, and I was busy trying to find corporate Jimmy John’s. When I finally did, they had regular business hours only M-F 9-5–must be nice.
Cool seemed OK when we got home. Her clothes were half ruined–covered with a fat stripe of road tar. And her elbow and knee had the same road-rash tar scrapes. She complained 1 little spot of her jaw hurt, and there was a lump. Other than that, there was nothing to even take pictures of. She was sore, but nothing big happened. Thank goodness–that’s not usually our life!
She took a shower right then, because I was afraid signs of concussion might come on and she wouldn’t be able to stand. We tried to scrub tar out of her wounds, but there were a lot of micro-scraps from the asphalt and the tar was pretty well embedded.
Luckily, she was OK. It was still one of the scariest things that has ever happened!
This song isn’t quite a happy reminiscing. There’s both sadness and determination in the lyrics. The thesis is that Taylor has felt alone in every stage of her life: Her dad was MIA during her childhood either physically or emotionally. She was bullied in school at times. Her country label made her feel inadequate by creating her “perfect” alter-ego and hemming in her creativity. Dating men and being a beard made Taylor feel empty. 1989 Era was fun, but felt inauthentic and lonely and Taylor was secretly struggling. After the Kaylor breakup Taylor feels hopeless that she can ever genuinely love, because she sees it as problematic for her career. Currently Joe (her supposed partner) is absent. But because of all the loneliness and isolation, Taylor has honed her writing and furthered her career. Despite not being able to count on anyone aside from her mother, nobody can take away Taylor’s writing skills.
A lot of it has earmarks of the move to NYC and the 1989 Era, but I do think Taylor looks back further in time within the song. She talks about playing in parking lots when she was trying to get started. She may also be looking at her life as a whole and mentioning how she still feels like she’s on her own.
Theory: I hope I can explain what I’m thinking clearly. Taylor wrote the song in a chronological timeline (A-present day, B-1989 Era, C-Nashville, D-parents). Then, to obscure the timeline and subjects within the song she took the most recent (A) and made each line it’s own verse. Then she took 1989 Era (B) and made that the 2nd line of each verse. Then she broke the Nashville (C) into the 3rd line of each verse. And finally she made her childhood/parents (D) the final line of each verse. It’s possible each verse starts at the present (2022), mentions 1989 Era, goes back to Nashville, and ends with her childhood. Instead of AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, DDDD she mixed it to ABCD, ABCD, ABCD, ABCD.
For example:
A-Smoking with your boys could be her current situation with Joe. She’s in a house, not a home, alone. He’s off living his separate life, high like the night they met (Paper Rings).
B-The face Taylor wishes she could touch is Karlie’s but they’ve broken up.
C-The town Taylor wants to leave (for NYC) is Nashville.
D-The only one that can bring Taylor back to TN over a lifetime is her mom.
That might be loosely the formula Taylor used in the song. Does it hold up? See what you think…
Since the subjects of the song are unclear, and may change, and the timeline is not set in stone, I tried to think of all scenarios that could fit each line. Taylor didn’t call and tell me the specifics so I’m trying to gather the keys I do know about in order to get the gist.
Summer went away
Taylor doesn’t tell us the year she’s singing about, just the season. Later in the song she talks about moving out of Nashville so I’m guessing most of this song is about 2014.
Taylor also mentions starving her body in the song and she was at her thinnest during the 1989 era:
Still, the yearning stays
Taylor also does not tell us what type of yearning she’s been feeling, or for how long:
A boy?
Her dad?
To be discovered?
Her family after she moved from TN to NY?
Gay love in general (or Dianna, specifically)?
The word can be used several different ways:
I play it cool with the best of them
I wait patiently
We know Taylor doesn’t sit back, waiting around to make music, or for her career to progress. She takes action and proactively strives for more success. But what then, is Taylor waiting for?
Her Dad?
Tolerate It:
Jake Gyllenhaal?
I don’t know if Jake was a real relationship or beard to cover for Jake’s sexuality and/or the Dianna Agron romance. I used to be certain it was bearding, but when Red (TV) drudged up this decade-old relationship, and Taylor insinuated the red scarf did symbolize her virginity as Swifties suspected, I was no longer sure.
Dianna?
Come Back, Be Here (2012):
He’s gonna notice me
After I read this line I wondered if 2012 Taylor was looking back to the beginning of her career. Is she remembering trying to break into the country music scene? 1989-Era Taylor could be thinking back to her start in country music because she was about to try to fully break into pop music.
Is HE $cott Borchetta or other music execs?
Is HE her dad?
Taylor could be talking about how her dad is always traveling for business, when she’s home, and how he stays home with her brother while she tours. Her mom is involved in her life, but her dad is absent.
Is HE Jake Gyllenhaal?
Whatever they had together, it was on and off:
We are never ever getting back together:
Dianna Agron?
Of course, if Jake was just a bearding situation all of the above applies to Swiftgron.
Come Back, Be Here (2012):
We are never ever getting back together:
It’s okay, we’re the best of friends
Taylor wasn’t really best friends with studio execs, her dad, Jake, OR Dianna (they were very secret lovers) so I’m not sure this line is directly referencing any of the subjects that are options for the previous line.
If this line IS talking about the subject of “he’s gonna notice me” then I think Taylor is contrasting her parents. Her dad doesn’t notice her, but that’s OK because her mom is her best friend.
If “I wait patiently he’s gonna notice me” is her dad and the best friend is her mom the song is describing how Taylor feels a hole in her life and goes to great lengths to put a bandaid over it by gathering friends and fans around her, and focusing on her music career. She is saying because she feels a void in her parental relationships she has spent the time writing and making music which brought her all the friends and fans and fame.
My impression was that this line is doing two things: Talking about the subject of the previous line and being used as a tool to put the story and the listener back in the correct timeline (1989 Era and The Squad). For the latter, Taylor says it’s alright that HE doesn’t notice her because she has formed her own friend group that distracts her and makes her feel better.
Anyway
I hear it in your voice
Is Taylor saying this person is more dismissive when they’re with their friends?
OR
Is she saying the voice literally sounds different when this person is smoking?
Tobacco:
Smoking weed could also change the sound of someone’s voice:
And it’s possible, but not a rule:
You’re smoking with your boys
I couldn’t find any evidence Scott Swift smokes.
I couldn’t find any evidence Scott Borchetta smokes.
I saw Karlie Kloss has NEVER smoked.
Is the smoker a lover/ex?
Jake-
He has smoked for movies, but he also smoked cigars and pipes at some point in time:
Jake G. also has been known to smoke weed:
Dianna-
She has also smoked for roles, and has been seen in public with a box of cigarettes:
I couldn’t readily find anything about Dianna smoking weed, so if she does it seems she does it on the DL.
Joe-
He is the wrong timeline for this song, but I bring him up because Taylor talks about the beginning of her career in the song, so it’s possible she talks about a more current boyfriend/beard leaving her (emotionally) on her own as well.
Joe smokes, but I think the Taylor Swift team cleaned up his image scrubbed the internet to be an appropriate partner for her.
Paper Rings could be talking about meeting Joe and his mates who were high. It would have to be his friends attending the MET Gala according to the most popular timeline of their relationship:
But also, Joe might be a is a cover for Karlie. And that brings us back to the correct timeline for this song: I think Paper Rings is for Karlie, and could allude to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show where Taylor and Karlie [supposedly] met. Taylor could be talking about how the other models were high at that 2013 show:
I touch my phone as if it’s your face
This gesture seems too romantic in nature to be a studio exec or father. Taylor could have changed subjects after the “he’s gonna notice me” line. It also rules out beards, because she wouldn’t long for their attention-it’s a business relationship. This line, possibly the whole song might be talking about a romantic relationship:
Dianna-
Come Back, Be Here (2012):
Karlie-
It can’t be Karlie because she doesn’t smoke. She wouldn’t be smoking with her boys. It would also require this line to be another time jump, because during the 1989 Era Taylor and Karlie were constantly seen together. It wasn’t until later that Taylor was alone and longing to touch Karlie’s face.
I didn’t choose this town
Nashville?
It was Taylor who wanted to move to Nashville in order to break into the music business. Her parents say they didn’t want to pressure her to succeed, so they let her think the move was their idea.
London or New York?
This could be interpreted two ways: Taylor is talking to someone who lives in London in this song and says she didn’t choose this town (London).
OR
Taylor could be saying Karlie was the one who chose NYC, but she had wanted to move to London.
I dream of getting out
Taylor dreams of leaving the afore-mentioned town?
She never lived in London so she doesn’t dream of moving away.
Taylor seems to have loved NYC until her and Karlie split and she couldn’t bear to be reminded of Kaylor, so if she’s talking about NYC (not a town) it requires another time jump.
That leaves Nashville. Though Taylor wanted/needed to move to TN to get a foot in the door to music, she tired of it quickly. Taylor was bullied in middle school, and she felt constricted in the red state.
There’s just one who could make me stay
A romantic partner/ex?
Dianna-
After 2012, it looks like Dianna was traveling back and forth to Australia, living in CA, and also spending time in the UK. It looks like “staying” isn’t Dianna’s strong suit, so I don’t think this line is about her.
Karlie in NY?
It’s plausible Taylor is saying that Karlie is the only person who could have kept her in the U.S., but I’m not sure because it’s not like Taylor adamantly didn’t want to live in NYC.
All my days
This addendum made me think more about a blood relative, than a romance which is not guaranteed to last a lifetime. Taylor talks about wanting to leave Nashville due to feeling restrained and trapped there. But the one thing that can pull her back through a protracted timeframe is her mom.
Her mom in TN?
From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
Sprinkler splashes brings to mind exuberance and warm sunshine fun. Fireplace ashes alludes to endings. Taylor talks about things burning down in many songs. To her, fire and burning are something scary and awful that destroys. A break-up, panic about being outed, a ruined career:
After this destruction, the ashes are the only remnant of what used to be.
My Tears Ricochet-
Hoax-
In this line Taylor went from happy, sunny fun to the debris left from a fire [drastic cause of destruction]. She could be talking about a combination of things that tie the song together: childhood fun with her parents, or the 4th of July parties The Squad attended, to break-ups.
Her dad?
Taylor’s relationship with her father started out admiring, and considering him a protector of her, “My daddy’s gonna show you how sorry you’ll be.” Later the relationship with her dad was stalled–he was often absent from Taylor’s life. Then he only tolerated her [sexuality?] and finally when he [maybe] cheated on her mom there was not quite estrangement, as he is heavily involved with Taylor’s career, but a schism formed.
$cott Borchetta/studio?
Taylor could secondly be bringing up her relationship with $cott Borchetta and her label at large. Getting signed started out a dream come true, hopeful and exhilarating, ended in oppression, then ruins when he sold her masters.
Jake G.?
He could be an option here as well. Taylor might have gone into it with optimism. Whether she had comp-het and was trying to make a straight coupling work, or if she was thrust into a bearding situation, she seemed sincere in trying to make it work. At the end, Taylor was jaded (either toward men or the bearding process).
Dianna?
She could also work here. Swiftgron was red and passionate, but Dianna was gone all the time, and there may have been cheating on both sides of the relationship, until their romance was obliterated beyond repair.
The Squad?
The time period of this song seems to be mostly the 1989 Era so Taylor could be bringing up The Squad. I think she hired them to distract from her boy crazy image. The 4th of July parties looked mostly like photo-shoots to me. Then after the 1989 Era put friendships in the forefront instead of boys, the group disintegrated and “we’ll never say that word again.”
Karlie?
Lastly, Taylor could be looking at all her relationships throughout her life and evoking how she and Karlie were both made of ashes at the end of Kaylor.
I waited ages to see you there
Taylor describes waiting for whoever she was talking about in the last line over ages. Career-wise she could be talking about from the time she was a child to before she was a household name. Taylor waited a long time, and also over many birthdays to be recognized as the musical prodigy that she is. And the 1989 Era solidified Taylor’s place as a pop star.
Her fans?
Taylor’s father?
He never really came to her shows or awards. Is she saying she waited ages for him to show up for her:
Jake or Dianna?
This line brings to mind, The Moment I Knew:
If Taylor is talking about Jake it brings up the 21st Birthday mythology that he was a no-show.
Dianna was not there a lot of times, which was a central issue in the Swiftgron relationship.
And if she’s talking throughout her life, Taylor could be telling Karlie that when she’s with Jo$h and not her, it wrecks Kaylor.
I search the party of better bodies
The party of beautiful people could be some sort of music networking thing that Taylor went to in order to get known and break into the industry, or even when she was trying to cross over to pop:
The party might be talking about any event Taylor attended with the models. Is she talking about The Squad?
The party could be some awards pre or post party where Jake or Dianna attended. For example Taylor, Dianna, and Lea Michele all went to the 2014 MET Gala:
Just to learn that you never cared
Scott Borchetta/her country label?
The Squad/fake friends/paid PR-
Jake G.?
All Too Well Short Film:
It wasn’t real to him because she was his beard?
But innocent Taylor was not on the same page. She saw a future with Jake, and was shocked when he suddenly broke things off:
You’re on your own, kid
You always have been
I see the great escape
So long, Daisy May
Who is Daisy May, and what characteristics is Taylor trying to highlight?
Daisy Mae Scragg of Lil’ Abner comic strip-
Daisy Mae Dutten of video game Bullworth Academy-
Daisys that aren’t Maes:
Daisy Buchannan of The Great Gatsby-
Like Anti-Hero this may be Taylor’s critical side. She could see herself as these traits when she is in her self-hating mode.
Daisy Kenyon in the film of the same name-
I picked the petals, he loves me not
Or maybe it’s none of those characters, and Taylor (tagged as the daisy) is just referring to herself:
Taylor leaves painful situations to write and to focus on her career ambitions.
From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
I called a taxi to take me there
She is saying she had nobody to drive her because she was on her own. Taylor had to pay someone to take her.
Where is Taylor at and where is she going?
Probably not TN to NYC-
She’s wealthy, but this seems like a long fare.
Maybe she means figuratively. Taylor wants to be a household name, and she does this by bringing a personal touch to her listeners. During the 1989 Era, Taylor called a Taxi company and made an account to pay for all of her fans to get to and from her concert. Gestures like this make for a loyal fan base, which will help Taylor’s music career succeed.
I search the party of better bodies
Aspiring music writers/singers?
Taylor could be looking back at the start of her career during her juncture between country and pop music. She could also be talking about competing with other women for the crown of pop stardom.
Models and actresses joined the squad to bolster their career?
Just to learn that my dreams aren’t rare
You’re on your own, kid
You always have been
From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this
blood-
Sweat-
I really wanted to find out how long Taylor rehearses choreography for shows and tours, but this must be top secret information. Despite trying for hours to Google different key words I couldn’t find anything that specified in any kind of detail how many hours. I imagine it’s a long time.
A general example of rehearsals (not related specifically to Taylor):
Taylor’s purported 3x weekly workout and treadmill schedule:
Tears-
I hosted parties and starved my body
Taylor divulged she had disordered eating in Miss Americana. I read in 2014 that she weighed 132lb. This might not be accurate at all, who knows, but taking that number for an example it puts her BMI at 18.4 (underweight). Also, I know BMI is a bit antiquated and depends on many variables that are not standardized to everyone. But I’m trying to show some kind of quantitative example, so just go with it. At 5’11” Taylor could weigh up to 178lb and be in a healthy weight range, per the BMI calculator.
This is 1989 compared to Reputation:
Like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss
In her country years Taylor had an idealized vision of what love should look like. She seemed to draw from Disney and other fairytales in her youth.
Kisses in Taylor’s songs:
As she got older, Taylor started dating and may have held onto some of that naivety. It seemed like she thought a boyfriend could fix all of her problems. She trusted these guys and seemed genuinely disappointed when they let her down:
Jonas brother-
Jake-
John Mayer-
Later, the boyfriends looked more fake (Tom Hiddleston) and some/all could have been beards. To me, it looks like Taylor was pushed into these showmances and bearding situations (JJ, TL, JG, JM), but then she started hiring her own beards in order to “save” her career from her sexuality. Posing for a photo kissing a man would increase buzz around her music, make her more relatable, (and save Taylor from being outed?).
The jokes weren’t funny, I took the money
What money did Taylor take?
Money from the studio to get started?
Money from fans who believed that Taylor’s genuine stories perfectly matched up with the PR narratives?
Money from celebrities who wanted to hide their sexuality under a beard?
Taylor is tying money to her dating life in this line. She doesn’t like the boy-crazy jokes, BUT she took the money. A definite possibility is that Lautner’s people, Jonas’ people, Jake, and even JM could have paid her for bearding services:
The gossip says that Jake is known for hiring beards:
A meme or a perceptive insight?
My friends from home don’t know what to say
Taylor’s friends are surprised that she is doing inauthentic things they know aren’t in her character in order to grow her career.
I looked around in a blood-soaked gown
The only thing that comes to mind is Carrie:
At first I thought this reference was out of left field, but after reading the following I thought it fit Taylor surprisingly well:
And I saw something they can’t take away
THEY can’t take away Taylor’s writing ability. She honed her skills alone in her bedroom, practiced them in parking lots, and she will always have that.
‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
The pages turned could be moving on to the next chapter of life, for example, the move from Nashville to NYC. This could additionally be talking about leaving relationships.
This is true about her writing/music too. Songs were cut or never added to the album for whatever reason (a lot were too gay).
Everything you lose is a step you take
With every new start something had to end.
Every song in the crypt contributed to the final product of the finished album [writing is editing!]. And those finalized albums are the stepping stones to the great fame Taylor enjoys(?) today.
Is Taylor talking about something specifically here?
Country/Nashville/home roots?
Jake G. (or men in general)?
It wasn’t working out, but that brought Taylor to the Kaylor relationship (women)?
If Jake was a beard, does the above apply to Dianna?
The Squad/fake friends?
So make the friendship bracelets
During the 1989 Era, bracelets were given to the crowd:
A fan gave Taylor a bracelet with pink and blue and purple beads with the word “pride” spelled out. She displayed it prominently in the below photo:
Take the moment and taste it
I don’t know that much about Buddhism, but there is a philosophy within that talks about living in the moment. And it applies a lot to worry and anxiety. The tenants have subjects of the spirituality be aware of their 6 senses (I think heart is the 6th?) in order to be present at this place in time. It relieves worry and regret which focus on present and past.
Less seriously:
You’ve got no reason to be afraid
You’re on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this
Renegade-
You’re on your own, kid
You always have been
Where does all of this leave us?
I think Taylor is telling us she has a rift between her and her father. But her mom is someone she can trust, and Andrea loves her unconditionally.
Nashville, country music, and her label made Taylor feel constricted and trapped.
Moving to NYC felt like wonderful freedom and breaking into pop catapulted Taylor to the top of the industry. There was a price to pay for that though-starving her body for just one example.
Jake may have hired/(secretly regarded?) Taylor as a beard. Taylor either didn’t know she wasn’t a real GF, or didn’t understand how Jake could remain cold and detached when acting the part made Taylor catch real feelings for him. It’s also a possibility that Taylor already knew she was queer, and the breakup with Jake hit her hard because she was morning the loss of a straight future she would never have.
With Dianna, Taylor knew she needed more. She wanted someone to be present and consistent and loyal, or it left her unhappy. There could also have been the revelation that she could never fight the logistics to be with a woman. Taylor might have been so upset because her career and Dianna (or any woman) could never coexist.
The Squad felt superficial and empty. Even though Taylor was able to have all the friends she wanted as a kid, it wasn’t satisfying and didn’t last.
Kaylor breakup hit Taylor hard and she is still recovering.
Bearding/Joe protects Taylor’s career but she’s living an isolated life, unable to have a true love. That makes Taylor miserable, but she leans on her music to cope.
Last year I was just trying to keep my head above water. Everything fell off. This year, I want to ease into it, not come in too hot. But I do have some things I would like to move toward.
use all the stuff we have
When we were ambushed by the rent renewal price, I had been stocking up on groceries and toiletries. During the pandemic things would be sold out, certain brands/sizes/types weren’t available, and things were slower to get here. So I had been buying in bulk, ordering early, stocking up when something was a reasonable price. This made for a huge move. You’re not just going to throw away multiple tubes of toothpaste, for example, you have to pack and carry them.
This time I want to eat down everything so we’re not moving pounds of sugar and gallons of oil. I want to keep inventory sparse, so we have the bare necessities to pack and store.
What goes along with this is saving money by eating those weird things in the back of the cupboard, reading books we own instead of buying new ones, and playing our Wii instead of spending money for entertainment.
So we need to use up odds and ends.
use up: chapstick, deodorant, face lotions, face masks, toothpaste
feed less, use T/D for light snacks, feed canned food
floss
it’s all about doing this in the morning before work. Get it done early in the day before I’m tired, busy, stressed out.
water
fill it before work, drink it every hour,
call parents more frequently, for shorter times
use the video app to talk more about daily things, chat to keep up, plan a strict time limit and set the microwave clock, do chores while talking
start weights again
do this after mile on weekdays
re-start creative intervals
start reading at the tail end of work if we have no time, take a short break at work to draw if there’s no time
dentist
glasses
walk up a hill again
read about narcissism
stay safe
cross the street if ANYONE else is near, go in a pair when people aren’t everywhere/it’s dark, pay attention to our surroundings, use the alarm,
save money
buy everything we can from Save A Lot, do grocery pick up instead of paying delivery fees, clean air filters more frequently, clean fountains more frequently, cook at home more, shorter showers, turn off lights, turn power bars off when not in use,
rein in the calories (log them)
stay under 300 calories before dinner, track them on the app
organize and pack
fancy clothes, work-only clothes
have my resume all updated just in case
click into the job emails to see if something will work, apply for equal or better positions at least once a week, make a cover letter template, make several resumes tailored to different kinds of positions,
Here’s another song in Kelsea’s catalog where I think she is talking about Taylor, and purposely inserting certain words, themes, and images to reference Taylor. You decide:
Legends
We were golden, we were fire, we were magic
Is Kelsea intentionally using key words from Taylor’s songs?
Taylor modifies how she sees love from passionate, burning red, to golden like daylight. She wants to step out of the woods into the warmth of daylight.
Deep blue, but you painted me golden
The fire is a spark, or a comforting light in the darkness. It’s both warming and dangerous (if not controlled). Taylor also sees fire in a negative light, as being outed, burning the room down. And fire turning to ashes is like a relationship that ends, enkindling both people.
It seems Kelsea is alluding to comforting and warming, as she Wedges “fire” between golden and magic.
Magic is Taylor’s realization of what attraction and love feel like (vs. comp-het). Magic is also the disappearing act her and her sapphic lover are able to pull off thanks to heteronormativity [best friends!].
Yeah and they all knew our names all over town
Taylor and Kelsea are both big names in Nashville.
They have both toured the world and topped the music charts.
Taylor’s description of Nashville:
To Taylor, Nashville has become limiting and artificial, entrapping her in a disingenuous image. Kelsea moved to Nashville as a teen because she had seen Taylor do it. Kelsea wanted to emulate Taylor’s career, and was excited to be in a place where it could happen. So many eager hopefuls travel to Nashville, seat of country music, to make it in the industry.
We had it made in the middle of the madness
A music star has a crazy schedule.
“Celebrity” could be a chaotic life.
Sapphic affairs might cause a stir.
Madness could be rebelling against social norms.
We were neon in a gray cloud
Taylor uses bright color to describe sapphic love (vs. the black and white of straight love):
Taylor is chronically sad and depressed (in part due to being closeted):
Both cheating and sapphic love put Taylor’s relationships in a gray area:
The clouds might signify Taylor pining for Karlie, or trying to get her back:
But Kelsea says they were colorful and gay in the midst of Taylor’s depression, in a confusing situation, and when Taylor’s head is still in the Kaylor clouds.
Yeah, we wrote our own story
They paved their own way because what other two (country) music stars are in a sapphic relationship?
They each literally wrote their story in their songs.
Full of blood sweat and heartbeats
Full of blood?
Is it talking about working toward careers: blood, sweat, and tears? But there were no tears, so the heartbeats are a reprieve from that? The heartbeats signal excitement and passion.
Or is it talking sexy time (pitter patter of the heart then getting sweaty) under a blood moon?
They might have had their affair during the month of a lunar eclipse.
Or the blood moon may signal an infrequent and intermittent affair (twice a year).
Additionally, it could be some October as the full moon that month is called Blood-Moon due to hunting season.
Can we use the moon to pin down the time frame the Taylor and Kelsea might have had a fling?
Months of blood moons:
Based on the Delicate cover and Taylor’s response to it:
and the towels pic:
I think their affair could have happened at least in 2018. March-May 2018 seems more than friends, possibly. Due to the on/off Kelsea’s discography alludes to it could have also been intermittent in years prior or after this too.
Counterfeit:
Taylor wants to resolve Kaylor, but she is anxiously waiting for things to align. While Taylor waits for the perfect timing with Karlie there’s a glitch and she gets with Kelsea.
Beating hearts/heartBEAT:
We didn’t do it for the fame or the glory
Kelsea is contrasting the very public Kaylor to KelSwift. Karlie and the models might have been hired as PR to eliminate the boy-crazy image Taylor hated. Taylor needed a best friend to take away mention of men. Karlie signed on to play the BFF to get more exposure and recognition to bolster her own career.
And Kaylor accidently fell in love.
But Kelsea and Taylor are not together for PR or careers. There was never money exchanged between the two.
They came together more organically.
But we went down in history
Yeah we were legends
That sounds a lot like a closeted sapphic relationship! There are rumors, but no pictures.
It also sounds a lot like the premise of the folklore album.
But notice Kelsea is talking in past tense.
Loving you baby it was Heaven
Another past tense line.
In Cruel Summer, Taylor describes her relationship with (I’m pretty sure) Karlie. The relationship is delicate and fragile for many reasons: Taylor feels conflicted because society taught her that sapphic love is sinful, and she brings up religious figures to show her concern. The relationship is also fickle because Kaylor started out friends with benefits, no strings attached, and Taylor and Karlie caught stronger feelings on antithetical timelines. Thirdly, the Kaylor relationship feels precarious because Karlie can’t commit fully–partially because she had a long-term boyfriend/beard.
During KelSwift, Taylor is still apprehensive about her sexuality, especially in a public forum. Now Taylor treats Kelsea like Karlie treated her at first. She doesn’t want to be serious, and is just looking for a fun fling. Kelsea, however, has strong feelings for Taylor, just like the strong feelings Taylor had/has for Karlie. Taylor has been on both sides of the equation between Kaylor (pining/wanting more) and KelSwift (distracted/non-committal).
What everyone wondered we’d never question/Close our eyes and took on the world together
This line is more strong evidence that this is a different (gay) type of relationship. Why would other people wonder about this couple? Why does the pair need to take on the world?
I think “take on the world” is also talking about their music careers. Kelsea and Taylor and both striving to get their music out to the world.
Do you remember?
We were crazy
Tragic and epic and so amazing
Interesting choice of words…
I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me
The crown. We talked about how Taylor has at least 3 songs that mention a crown specifically in the Homecoming Queen analysis.
Out of Kelsea, her husband, and Taylor who was the first to move to Nashville, and who got signed first?
Kelsea’s husband was signed after she had already been signed for a year.
KelSwift leaves an indelible mark on Nashville and music. And the couple will always have good memories of their relationship. This line also might be a call back to an early Taylor Swift performance in Nashville:
Kelsea uses “permanent marker” possibly to contrast the word “paint” that Taylor often uses in her own songs. Paint can be RE-painted, or covered up easily. Permanent marker is more difficult to remove or modify.
Not even the brightest sun could ever fade
In Peace, Karlie tells Taylor she is sunshine/fire/friend, and would take away Taylor’s depression and die for her:
To Kelsea, sunshine is Karlie. She is saying even Karlie at her brightest, can’t take away the memories of KelSwift.
Come whichever hell or high water
Taylor thinks fiery hell would be getting outed in a gay relationship:
And the water is Taylor’s team putting out the fire with their damage control:
Kelsea is saying KelSwift could survive despite the closeting (for fear of fire/hell) and the PR damage control (water/flood) that also comes with bearding. Kelsea is also in the industry so she knows how important it is to be descreet. She even wrote a song about keeping secrets, If You Go Down (I’m Going Down Too). Kelsea is commenting that Taylor wouldn’t be outed with her. And Kelsea is saying she already knows the industry and the PR damage control doesn’t bother her.
It was always me and you either way
Hey we wrote our own story
Full of blood sweat and heartbeats
We didn’t do it for the fame or the glory
We just did it for you and me
And that’s why we were legends
I’m not the only one who noticed similarities between Kelsea and Taylor in this song. Unlike the hater that wrote the following article, I don’t think Kelsea is doing a cheap remake of Taylor’s work. I think Kelsea is intentionally referencing Taylor in order to furtively tell the audience who the subject of this song is–Taylor.
I think this song pairs well with the story in the first song. The narrator [Brandi?] says it’s [love? life?] is a game. And admits the partner is right. BUT even so, nobody is winning when everyone is negative and holding grudges.
In this song, our troubled main character puts it all out there. Brandi sings she is usually losing, but wins sometimes. Our narrator asks her lover to look at the bigger picture, open up their mind and also be more authentic instead of always trying to show a tough face. Because loving someone while keeping score is still kind of losing, even if you’re morally right. We all die one day, and nobody looks at the score. So the narrator asks the partner to stop trying to keep score, as it’s actually hurting themself in the end, they are becoming fatigued and sore.
This song is beautiful, with soulful singing and lots of emotion.
The chorus really bothers me though! The following comparison, in my opinion, is bad writing: The narrator is saying the partner is like a Stone wall (intentional call-back to start of gay-movement location? but stable, grounded, always there, strong). But it’s not a good comparison to rubber-bands (flexible? Stretched too thin?). It’s just two random objects being compared. I think the writing could have been better.
Anyway, the last line, “you’re built to last” I’m almost certain that’s the slogan of a car manufacturer-Ford? I cannot take the song seriously when it ends in a commercial jingle!
This song is not my favorite, but continues to peek into this couple’s psyche to see what is wrong, why they got there, and if there is a desire on both parts to repair it.
It seems like this is already a fan favorite on the album. It has very clear symbolism, and I think resonates with a lot of people who feel like they have a vice that might have conquered them if not for the children they straightened up for.
Brandi is now speaking as a mother (or whoever our narrator is now talks as a parent). They say how they’re awake at night, in the streets, full of fear. But when all the good intentions become actions that cause pain to her family, Brandi remembers her children. The kids are what keep her from damaging herself and others. When Brandi comes out of this dangerous, problematic werewolf-like state, she feels empty and regretful. I think the key to the song, and possibly the album is in the following verse:
“The curse I get from my father’s kin they fought the beast I feel within we don’t talk about it we don’t call its name we just carry on hoping it will change though we know it will never change”
I can’t be certain what Brandi is talking about here. But to me, it sounds like genetics, “curse from my father’s kin” might be some problematic genes passed paternally. This bad thing might be an independent streak, wildness, dreaminess, or an addiction, like alcoholism.
Is Brandi the alke?
Whatever this problem is that has been passed down, it goes unacknowledged. The family ostriches about it, if you will. They don’t deal with it directly, instead hoping if they ignore it the problematic thing will just disappear.
But Brandi sings the one thing keeping this main character from self-destructing is the child. They are the silver bullet that keeps her (the werewolf) from going off the rails (too much).
In the progression of the album, it’s been discussed that there’s a problem with the narrator that ‘s impacting the lover negatively. The narrator wants to try and keep the relationship together, because they’re dependent on the lover. But the lover is dead in the eyes, and lost their spark through all the trying times they’ve been put through by the narrator. The main character gives a bit of background about why their foundation is damaged in the broken horses and pastor songs. Then, the narrator ventures that the lover is in the wrong too. Not in their behavior, but in the closed way they think of the relationship and put the narrator in the punishment box. In judging and picking winners and losers, the lover is also in the wrong. Love is not a game. And furthermore, the narrator says the lover could stand to be more vulnerable. The lover always puts on a strong front, and as such is very closed-off and hidden emotionally. Then, this last werewolf song addresses the children, and how the narrator values them above all else, and keeps it reigned in because of the kids.
Is the best singing on the album. Brandi told Rolling Stone podcast that she didn’t want to look like she was just singing so strongly like this to show off. I say, there should be MORE belting the eff out. And less apologizing for showcasing talent. Show. the fuck. off, Brandi! Jesus the scream-note. Because I love the singing so much and think this is the best song (vocally) on this album, and towards the top in her catalogue, I honestly didn’t attend to the lyrics for the first 100 listens.
Wearing something inside your skin is quite the imagery. Brandi is telling us that leather (tough, of-nature, yet soft, versatile) was passed down from her father to her. And it’s not just something she can take off–the leather inside the skin is deeply ingrained. I don’t know who “you” is in this song. I don’t think it’s the partner referenced in the prior songs. Brandi insinuates this person somehow attacks her. I think the Sunday best means someone in a church, or someone really phony who uses their dress and manner to hide their sinister intentions. Telling that person they had better call their priest shows me maybe it’s someone in the congregation (from her denied-Baptism story?) telling Brandi she doesn’t belong?
Brandi says she has also worn the jester’s bells (funny, silly, clownish, naïve?). And she worshiped at the alter of a puppet-master. I think this means a religious leader had an expectation their congregation would be mindless and under his(?) total control without thought or push-back. Then, Brandi compares religion to a play or show. She says, being a puppet for an authoritarian minister was not fulfilling. Brandi blames this minister for a more superficial, experience. When under this preacher’s guidance, she held back her true words, and the result of that was her children are in the cheap seats (far back, more distractions, not as good, worse) and got a worse big event (religious understanding or experience, going back to reality).
I feel like the book would enlighten me to the meaning of the chorus. [Right now Cool is reading it, while I finish a book I had already started. I’ll read Brandi’s when she’s done]. But Cool did tell me Brandi said she’s not talking about “breaking” a horse to ride here. Tethered in open spaces is feeling tied down, being restrained but seeing huge possibility. If you’re spiritually restrained or holding back your true self in a big, wide world would feel smothering. The horse and the subdued person would both want to escape, run free, be more authentic to their nature.
Right into the barrel of a gun. I’m not sure where the gun comes from . Is someone aggressing? Is it suicide ideology? This could mean, when the person holds back so much that they are missing out that they don’t want to continue on that way. Because life lived in a closed way, isn’t even worth living? Or they’re so frustrated, yet trapped and they don’t know how to gain freedom? Or it could be the cowboy (or captor, person making them feel so trapped) that holds the gun to keep the horse/person within their control. If they escape, run, open up–they will be punished.
Mending up YOUR fences with MY horses runnin’ wild seems like some sort of compromise. Brandi says her inner self is running wild (the horses are untied and galloping through the field) but she’s careful too. She’s fixing the break in the fence that allowed that momentary freedom. She is reigning it back in, checking herself. Brandi helps keep herself tethered by fixing the fence that traps her and makes her so unhappy. Now, it’s not just the person with the gun keeping her (emotions) tied up and hidden, it’s Brandi (the horses) herself capitulating.
The 3rd verse reinforces this. Brandi says she treaded softly (walked on eggshells, tried to “behave”) to get this other person’s praise. This other person doesn’t like Brandi as she is, they want her to be less wild. As such Brandi doesn’t shout loudly or stomp or act out–she whispers through tears and begs sweetly. At the end, Brandi says, enough with this shit, it’s not me. I’m not going to reign it in and be tethered to please you any longer. She says she allowed this for a long time, but it’s not what she wants for her children. She tells this “you” enough.
Like I said, not having read the book, I think I’m at a bit of a disadvantage to analyze the song. But I get the impression “you” isn’t the same you as the romantic partner in the prior songs on the album. I think this may relate to the story I’ve heard Brandi tell in concert, and in many interviews about the pastor who wouldn’t baptize her. That traumatized her and she’s saying she played along and acted “good” for long enough. She wants to be more her authentic self, despite criticism from the church.
I have a few theories, and I’m not sure how much hard evidence backs them up. But they make sense to me given the lyrics of many songs in both Kelsea’s and Taylor’s catalogs. We are about to look closely at (mainly) 4 songs [buckle up!]:
Doin’ My Best released by Kelsea 9/23/22
Homecoming Queen released by Kelsea 9/11/20
Roses released by Kelsea 11/3/17 (9/19/16 a snippet was released that seemingly feat Taylor)
August released by Taylor 7/24/20
Doin My Best:
2020 was a weird year/Album dropped at a weird time/Ain’t the homecoming queen, but better believe I cried
Would you believe Kelsea has a song called Homecoming Queen? And this line absolutely seems to be a call-back to it. I wrote another post about how I think the homecoming queen is Taylor Swift. I thought the homecoming queen was probably intended to be Kelsea herself, but in this song Kelsea said “ain’t the” so now I think it’s definitely Taylor.
And here, Kelsea is juxtaposing her album drop (that she thinks got lost without promotion) in 2020 to Taylor’s wildly successful folklore/evermore albums during quarantine. Kelsea says SHE is not the homecoming queen (Taylor is) but, like the subject in that song, she cried.
In Homecoming Queen, I think Kelsea is trying to soothe what she sees as Taylor’s disproportionate and unrealistic fears by asking Taylor those questions.
Here is the post I wrote about the Homecoming Queen song:
And therapy for one turned/Into therapy for two/When you get married that young/You got a lotta shit you gotta get through
Kelsea and the Australian are in marriage counseling.
If I said I had it all together, I’d be lyin’/But I’ll die tryin’/I’m doin’ my best/I’m lettin’ the rest roll off my shoulders, baby/Don’t always get it right/Hey, and that’s alright/That’s what I’m learnin’ lately, I keep/Growin’ up, I keep/Rollin’ up my sleeves and I think/That showin’ up is good enough for me
Kelsea said she doesn’t have it all together, and she doesn’t always get it right. But she’s growing up and learning, doing the work, and trying her best til the end. She says she has to let the rest go, and realize that being present is sufficient.
I was friends with a pop star/I put ’em on track four, but
Wish I could take it back, I would’ve never asked/If I knew we wouldn’t talk anymore
It’s a bit abrupt to change the subject in the middle of a verse like this. It’s possible… But doesn’t it also make sense if the entire verse is about the same topic/person?
Sometimes I try to say the right thing/And it comes out wrong/And Twitter kicked my ass, now it’s one less app on my iPhone, yeah
OK, this line is obviously about this:
But did you notice this immediately follows the track 4 pop star that doesn’t talk to Kelsea anymore??? I think Kelsea, like Taylor, can write for plausible deniability. And lines can have double meanings.
With little evidence, I wonder if the “Roses” clip Kelsea released on social media (early? Without permission?) caused a rift. She posted a clarification on Twitter to clear up the “misunderstanding.” Even if the track 4 popstar has nothing to do with the Roses leak, it’s a pretty suspicious turn of events all on its own:
I thought it was weird how many articles addressed an unlabeled, 15 sec snippet. Who would care about an undisclosed, unconfirmed piece of a song? It was just a rumor. It could have been anyone singing. It seemed like Taylor’s team running damage control to proactively tell all the different media outlets it was NOT Taylor on the song. Here’s some context that we’ve talked about before regarding the motivations for shutting down rumors and speculation:
But we have a statement from Taylor’s team and from Kelsea (on the same exact date!) dispelling the buzz just TWO days after the snippet was leaked:
But guess what? Roses that did get released on Kelsea’s album… IS TRACK FOUR.
I think this is the real (or I’ll concede additional) Tweet that was problematic for Kelsea. And this is the actual track 4 pop star going dark alluded to in the lines above.
So why the damage control? Why would Taylor be upset with Kelsea for releasing a song Taylor was not on [supposedly]?
What are the lyrics to Roses and are they gay?
You brought one to my door/Stood there on the front porch
That was the beginning/We had those tires spinning/Down to the green grass/Outside of town
Wild and free, never slowing down
I thought I needed you like air/We burned hot, burned out, like a flame/But in my head, you’ll never fade
Kelsea and this YOU were wild and free (from the constraints of their relationships). They went out of town a.k.a. Away from prying eyes. Because it was a secret affair. Kelsea says the affair burned bright but flamed out. But this person is still in her head.
Yeah, we were classic/My dress, your leather jacket/Didn’t know how good we had it/But, boy, we had it/14th of February, gotta feeling my heart still carries
“We were classic” denotes a “normal” [straight] couple to differentiate from the other subject in the song. Notice the YOU vs. boy. Kelsea is talking about the genuine love she had for her (ex)husband. They were heteronormative like Valentine’s day. It’s over, but she still has a place in her heart for what they once had.
Yeah, we didn’t know it/Thought we could grow it/Beautiful for a moment/We were roses/We were roses
This chorus could be speaking to both of the afore-mentioned relationships. She’s saying the marriage didn’t last, and neither did the affair. But she started both of those relationships with good intentions, thinking they would grow and flourish.
This whole next verse reminds me a lot of Taylor’s work:
You put one in my hair
Sparks Fly:
We have key words: Haunted, wild, and wrong from the Swiftanary (TS dictionary) to show this is a gay encounter. It’s one of many examples of how Taylor likes to run her fingers through a woman’s hair and have fingers in her hair during sexy-time.
We danced in the middle of nowhere
You and me all summer
August:
Honestly, I’m wondering if Kelsea Ballerini IS August from the love triangle in folklore [I’m going to write a post just dedicated to this idea]. It seems like Kelsea and Taylor had an on and off, undefined thing. Taylor/James saw it as a mistake, and considered it cheating on Karlie/Betty. Kelsea/August sees it as her first sapphic experience (“never have I ever”) and goes on to divorce her husband, in part, because of this queer-awakening. Taylor says it was a brief summer thing, and “you weren’t mine to lose” but Kelsea seems to have taken it more seriously according to her albums.
Bright and living color
My lips were red/Your eyes were blue
Wildest Dreams:
We already know both Taylor and Kelsea have red lips.
It’s interesting how Wildest Dreams is partially about how Taylor remembers a sexual fling, and hopes this lover (Taylor considers it inevitable this person will leave) will remember her fondly as well. And Kelea’s Roses happens to be about that very thing-remembering a fling(?) fondly.
State of Grace:
We know Taylor has blue eyes.
In State of Grace Taylor regards this love as brave, as wild, and wrong. Probably because it’s sapphic love.
Remember in the 3rd line of Roses how Kelsea describes them as free and wild? Could she also be contrasting the “classic” with this wild sapphic love?
Tim McGraw:
I know Taylor’s description of a summer romance takes place much earlier, and is a different situation, but the night Kelsea describes in Roses has many similarities to it. Maybe Kelsea and Taylor had the same type of upbringing or enjoy the same type of date. They have things in common that could make them compatible.
Delicate:
I think Delicate is a conversation between Taylor and this other mysterious person [Karlie]. I included this snippet, because I think it’s from the perspective of the other person TO Taylor. They say they’ve never seen eyes the color of Taylor’s. And now Kelsea is specifically mentioning these blue eyes as well-Taylor’s eyes must look captivating in person!
Gorgeous:
Part of the reason for Kelsea and Taylor’s divergent perspectives about their situation is Taylor is upset she feels such a magnetic pull towards a woman, because it’s problematic for her public image. While Kelsea, who has the benefit of four extra years of social evolution, seems excited about discovering her sapphic side. Taylor almost jumps into the ocean blue eyes of her [female] soulmate in Gold Rush., but ultimately has to hide this strong attraction. It will not go with her good girl persona, and will not help sales. Kelsea, divorces her husband to follow through on this enthralling epiphany about her own queerness.
The opposite internal feelings about being gay drive Taylor and Kelsea to the same conclusion with their primary partners. Taylor’s fear of being outed is precisely why the Kaylor relationship has problems and slowly dissolves. Kelsea, on the other hand, leaves the man to explore a new world she never knew she was part of before falling for a woman. Taylor rebounding or cheating or whatever with Kelsea is loneliness and sadness that her own conflict is destroying Kaylor. Kelsea cheating or flexing her new bisexuality(?) is being open to new experiences.
And I thought I saw forever in you…
Kelsea and Taylor have a different perspective on their affair. Taylor saw Kelsea as a good, sexy fling that distracted her from her Kaylor funk. She felt hopeless at the start of their situationship after being mired in heartache and strife. With so many external factors dragging Kaylor down, being with a woman without all the baggage probably felt like a relief to Taylor. But Taylor never saw her and Kelsea as more than a dalliance. Because Taylor knows her career won’t allow her to be with any woman, and if she could make it happen with a woman, it would be her soulmate, Karlie. Taylor enters this affair knowing August(a?) was not hers to lose. IF Kelsea is August, she was/is married to a man, younger, and exuberant about her burgeoning sexuality-not a viable candidate for a secret, closeted love with Taylor.
Kelsea discovered she liked women and saw it as a new beginning. She has hope this affair will turn into a more permanent relationship in the long-term. If Kelsea is August(a?) Taylor was her first sexual encounter with a woman. Kelsea’s newest album is called “Subject to Change” which speaks to a changed perspective. Kelsea’s attitude toward her marriage changed. And in the album she seems to allude to Taylor and to queerness, so I have to think falling for a woman was part of the catalyst for Kelsea’s attitude change.
Taylor says “changing for the better” when she describes her affair with August(a?). The way Kelsea talks about her queerness in her newest album shows that she doesn’t harbor the same internal homophobia that Taylor holds. It must have been nice to witness another queer that had positive emotions about their sexuality. Especially one with such a similar background to Taylor. Both of them moved to (conservative) TN when they were young. Both entered the (very traditional) country music industry as teens. Both have mainstream success with fans and money, as mainstream celebrities. Taylor could have seen how Kelsea was positive about her sexuality, and grown from gleaning some of that mentality. Still, she never intended to be with Kelsea forever, because August(a?) was never hers to lose.
…We were beautiful for a moment, baby/We were roses/We were beautiful for a moment, baby/We didn’t know it/Thought we could grow it/Beautiful for a moment/We were roses
The song is about enjoying love in the moment. And how love can be fleeting. I think it’s about both of Kelsea’s meaningful relationships-her (ex)husband and an affair with Taylor Swift.
Since the song Roses is talking about a love that didn’t last, it didn’t fit with Taylor’s bearding narrative at that time. Also, there might be questions if two women were singing this song. Taylor’s team might have shut down the rumors so hard because they want to maintain the ruse of a happy relationship with a man. The snippet of the song was already creating speculation that a break-up was imminent. IF Taylor is the track 4 popstar that stopped talking to Kelsea, and IF the reason was an ill-timed leak of Roses, why would Taylor be angry?
I know this song is probably about Kelsea, herself. But I found a lot of compelling call-backs to Taylor’s lyrics and life. I think lyrics can have a surface-level meaning, and a deeper, more hidden secondary interpretation. Given Kelsea’s lyrics and videos I also think Kelsea and Taylor were together in some capacity, so Kelsea might have written this song with Taylor in mind.
Hey homecoming queen
Before I get into my research I will tell a story about my high school’s homecoming queen:
My Senior year the school voted Stephanie (name changed to the most common female name in my school for privacy) as our Homecoming Queen. Stephanie had been on cheerleading all 4 years of high school, but she wasn’t the “typical” popular girl represented in movies. I hadn’t thought of her as the most popular girl in school either, though she hung out in the most popular group of girls in my high school. As a matter of fact when her and her sister moved to our small, rural town in seventh grade, everyone made fun of Stephanie (her sister was a grade below so I’m not sure what her experience had been). Stephanie was in my peripheral friend group in middle school and sat with us in English class. She seemed well-intentioned and considerate, but I never knew her very well, because she also seemed uncomfortable and shy. My small class had known each other since kindergarten so anyone new was an anomaly and outsider just because they had already missed so much. I’m sure she felt that. Also, the boys were dicks.
In high school everything changed for her. Stephanie was kind and unproblematic, so she was easy to like. We carpooled to cheerleading practice all summer, and our birthdays are only two days apart so we had that in common. She came to my sixteenth birthday party and was nice to everyone, but we were never the type of friends that told each other secrets or anything like that. I don’t think she got very close with too many people…
Though she was thin, she preferred to base stunts, showing her strength by lifting other girls high in the air. She was determined and practiced hard–she was not in cheerleading just to look cute or gain popularity-though she did both of those things too. Stephanie (and her sister) were the type of pretty that stood out in our year books. They were beautiful and probably could have even modeled if they had wanted to (and had the financial backing to do so). But Stephanie was not just gorgeous, at practice Stephanie was always strong and tough, and I think she had to be resilient outside of practice too. Stephanie’s parents were divorced but lived together for financial reasons. Once her dad came to cheerleading practice drunk and the vice principal had to tell him to leave. The sisters were devastated and embarrassed, but we never heard details or saw anything like that again. You would never know there were family issues or poverty or anything aside from that one small peek into their world. The sisters excelled at academics and participated in cheer, and were well-liked and never let on anything was wrong. Stephanie dated the star kicker on the football team long-term, and they both just seemed nice. I think she leaned on him for support and they were together a lot. Her mom asked him to buy her cigarettes because he was a bit older.
When Stephanie was crowned homecoming queen I was happy for her. I was glad a genuinely kindhearted person won the coveted title. And just to end this little story, based off of Facebook, I think her and her sister both have happy lives. Stephanie joined the Coast Guard (I told you she was gritty and fit!) for a bit and is now married and has at least one child. Her sister got married and looked very happy and may have children as well (IDK I deleted sketchy Facebook so now I don’t know anything about anybody anymore). To sum up, homecoming queens are pretty and popular, but I think they also have to be smart, involved in school, and personable. And they have problems just like the rest of us.
Taylor Swift was never a homecoming queen:
Taylor never got to experience many high school milestones because she was working on her career. Yet, Taylor’s career epitomizes what it is to be the homecoming queen. She is beautiful and popular. Also, Taylor’s celebrity is crafted on the every-girl image. She portrays herself as one of us, and has actually reached out to fans on a “personal” level. Taylor is smart and a role model. She told us in several songs about having the crown during her career.
Adjacent but related:
Part of me feels sorry that Taylor had to miss milestones that mark an (American) teenager’s life. The other part remembers her career has been so exciting, acclimatory, and lucrative that it’s difficult to quite see her as a tragic figure.
Anyway, I can see why Kelsea, an underclassman to Taylor in age and career, might see Taylor as emblematic of a homecoming queen.
Why do you lie/When somebody’s mean?
Common word or intentional call-back to Taylor’s song, Mean?
We know Taylor is afraid of criticism, and is fretful about her public image:
Taylor and Kelsea are 4 years apart in age.
For example in 2003, this legislation was passed:
Since Taylor was 14 years old, a teenager, this might have made an impact on her views of sexuality [socially unacceptable to be anything other than straight]. But Kelsea would have been in elementary school so this might not have even been on her radar. During Ellen DeGeneres’ coming out, and the backlash against her, Taylor would have been around 8 and Kelsea just a tot. Fred Phelps, of “God hates fags” died in 2014 when Taylor was around 24 years old and Kelsea was just getting signed as an artist. Kelsea wasn’t exposed to a lot of things Taylor saw and experienced just that short time earlier, which could explain the different mentalities about queerness. Kelsea sees coming out as something authentic and worth doing, while Taylor sees it as apocalyptic.
Kelsea asks Taylor why do you lie when somebody’s mean, and I think she’s talking about this exact situation. Why do you closet when someone questions your sexuality?
Where do you hide?
Taylor has been indoctrinated by parents, career authorities, and society to hide her sexuality. Tolerate It talks about feeling othered.
This man (her father? The studio execs?) covered up Taylor’s rough edges [barbed wire]. They hid the “bad” [queer] parts of her to make her more acceptable for public consumption.
I wonder if the clues she didn’t see might be Taylor thinking about the gaslighting in Tolerate it— ‘it’s all in your head.’ Taylor shows she has internalized these men’s attitudes somewhat. She wonders if maybe she is interested in boys and just didn’t realize it or notice the signs. She says the narrative would be prettier if there was an invisible string tying her to a fated male soulmate.
Cuttin’ me open could be a cold assessment of Taylor’s attributes and flaws. The mistakes are PR blunders, the demons are her desires to touch women. After these men in authority scrutinize her they “heal” her. But the result isn’t good or great, it’s just fine. The corrections they made to Taylor’s image were OK, fair, tolerable to Taylor the individual…
The men in authority assessed her, saw queerness and deemed it undesirable, and “corrected” it by pushing her into relationships with men [Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve and You’re on Your own now Kid?]. These beards covered up Taylor’s sexuality, but with sharp barbed wire, and bulky chains. It’s not comfortable for her as an individual to wear. And this respectable, passable narrative of being in relationships with guys, tied her to (Joe?)
Do people assume/You’re always alright?/Been so good at smiling/Most of your life/Look damn good in the dress/Zipping up the mess/Dancing with your best foot forward
Taylor hides her pain behind a smile and pretty dress. Her audience does not notice there is deception. The veneer wears on Taylor and she fakes it til she makes it until she can no longer distinguish what is forced upon her and what is her choice. The lines between what her team portrays about her as a brand, and who Taylor the person are get blurry. She’s faked it so long, that she’s made it, and it’s (her brand image) true(?).
This is another statement showing Taylor hides her authenticity to give the people what they want. They don’t notice something is amiss.
Does it get hard/To have to play the part?/Nobody’s feeling sorry for ya
Taylor tells her audience it’s a balancing act that she’s constantly attending to, and it’s not her natural state. But she would do anything, try everything, to keep her fans looking at her.
But what if I told you the world wouldn’t end/If you started showing what’s under your skin/What if you let ’em all in on the lie?/Even the homecoming queen cries
To Kelsea coming out doesn’t seem like a catastrophe. She suggests sharing inner struggles to show everybody has issues. But as Exile says, Taylor is reluctant to come out of the closet (directly):
Hey homecoming queen/How’s things at home?/Still walking on eggshells
I think this is a technique to talk about her own childhood house, her own father, and her own life with plausible deniability. Taylor can distance herself from these statements of an angry father causing her to cry and hide her sexuality by portraying that it’s a friend’s life. Taylor learns at an early age that her dad finds her sexuality problematic so she has to keep that portion of herself hidden.
This person is someone older, who causes Taylor to regress back to a child. The person is/was gone a lot, and she waits for them to return. She says the person is wise, and she seems to trust their take on things. Tolerate it tells us that Taylor’s dad thinks her queerness is a phase or that she’s mistaken. She says she accepts him despite his indiscretions (cheating on her mom?) yet he just tolerates her love.
Because Taylor has been coerced to hide her sexuality from a young age she leads a lonely adult life. Her Dad and the authority figures from the studio taught her their love for her is not unconditional (contrasted to her mom in Sweet Nothing). Their love and acceptance hinges on her success and profitability. They think this sapphic stuff is all in her head and she’s got it wrong so if they just throw her together with a guy so her career (and their money) won’t get blown up. Taylor knows her sexuality is innate, but has to walk on eggshells to appease these men. So she closets and beards to assuage them, until she fakes it til she makes it and it’s true. Now she closets and beards because she’s afraid not to.
When that curtain’s closed
Taylor has been indoctrinated that she can only love in private. When drama ramps up and Taylor feels comforted by another woman, she has to go inside and close the windows to love out of sight.
Again, Taylor’s parents and the studio executives taught her to keep “undesirable” things private, behind closed doors. Even though Taylor is heartbroken and hurting she is still inside with boarded up windows getting drunk alone. She has to depend on her lover to come back to her, instead of chasing the lover outside where others could see. Taylor has to have a lover that agrees to remain invisible.
Did your daddy teach you/How to act tough?
Taylor learned two things from this episode: Her father could be a ruthless defender of her career and money. And if you cross her father or are no longer useful to him, he’ll wrap you in chains and throw you away.
Even as a teen, Taylor knows to hide her sadness and weak emotions. She models her conflict resolution after her dad’s example– aggression.
Or more like your mama?/Sweep it under the rug
Taylor’s mom gave her a really good day. But her solution to Taylor being bullied was taking her shopping until she forgot their names. Andrea sweeps the central issue under the rug and distracts Taylor from her problems, instead of facing them head on.
Look damn good in the dress/Zipping up the mess/Dancing with your best foot forward
Taylor combined the coping strategies of both her parents: Stuff down sad emotions and get revenge (her dad’s influence) and look pretty and go dancing to distract yourself (her mom’s way).
Did you want the crown/Or does it weigh you down
When Taylor was young, she was excited to finally realize her dreams. She got off the sidelines and went to center stage, showing off her crown to the whole town.
During Reputation era, Taylor realized how difficult the crown was to hold on to. One mistake and it was taken away. She learned people are fickle and it’s difficult to have staying power in the cut-throat entertainment industry.
Taylor also figured out the crown was only given to one person, and that person needed to represent perfection. And she talks about the homophobes with their signs, knowing that her sexuality, if revealed, could get her crown taken away.
Nobody’s feeling sorry for ya
The media used You’re not Sorry against Taylor. They turned a break-up song into a woman always playing victim narrative. [Sidenote- I am only talking about song lyrics here, not any other quotes or actions in Taylor’s wider life]. If a man wrote this would it be weaponized against him?
The big names on this list tell us that men are not held to the same lyrical standards. Men can play the victim to cunning, or gold-digging women, be openly misogynistic, and it’s written off. It’s just one song. Boys will be boys. But women are scrutinized and judged more.
What if I told you the world wouldn’t end/If you started showing what’s under your skin?/What if you let ’em all in on the lie?/Even the homecoming queen cries
Kelsea tries to convey that times have changed, and coming out is no longer career ending. But Taylor knows love is conditional. She has been programmed to hide anything negative in order to preserve her fame.
The Archer substantiates that Taylor has struggled with her sexuality long-term, and she closets to cope. “The room is on fire, invisible smoke” is talking about that struggle. The fire is the worst outcome–It’s getting burned by coming out or worse, being outed.
The kiss in a crowded room was an important, life-changing event. But it’s not the only event where Taylor was nearly or partially outed (a fire) and she panicked and shut it down to salvage her image and career. Taylor spirals into the anxious thought that her sexuality will accelerate her losing everyone and everything
Yeah, what if I told you the sky wouldn’t fall?/If you lost your composure, said to hell with it all
Kelsea thinks Taylor’s fears are a bit dramatic. She articulates the ridiculousness of the notion that the world would fall apart if Taylor was truthful in public. Kelsea believes it would be relatable for Taylor to show her more authentic self. But Taylor isn’t just embellishing her fears to convey a more dramatic story. She actually has deep-rooted panic about what would happen if she was publicly sapphic.
Not everything pretty sparkles and shines
It’s a call back to Our Song, one of Taylor’s first songs. Kelsea is also pointing out their different perspectives. Kelsea says some pretty things aren’t sparkly, shiny, and flawless. There is beauty in the imperfection. Taylor was reared on idealized love fairytales and purity. She knows to hide undesirable things away.
And even the homecoming queen cries/Oh yeah/Even the homecoming queen cries/Hey homecoming queen/Why do you lie?
Taylor lies and then cries because she has internalized the lessons from her parents and the (country) music industry. Renegade broaches the subject of Taylor’s internal homophobia. She fires off arrows and missiles because she hates her inherent queerness. Taylor’s attitudes damage herself and those in close proximity to her. The lover that sings this song says Taylor has come a long way, but gets weak and reverts to the negative thinking and closeting whenever she faces a perceived threat. The lover questions if Taylor’s extreme reluctance to open the blinds (come out) is due to anxiety or if she just doesn’t actually want a life with this person? Something is stopping Taylor from giving her lover the family she craves, and Taylor’s baggage is negatively impacting the lover’s mindset too. This girlfriend has no place carved out in Taylor’s life, but persists despite the invisibility. She begs Taylor to get her shit together so she can love her. But Taylor only squeezes the lover’s hand when the lover is about to leave.
When somebody’s mean/Where do you hide?
And to finish off the song I give you the most obvious tie-in from Kelsea’s “where do you hide” choice of wording to I Know Places, a song about the panic of being outed. Taylor’s instinct is not to come out, but to take her girlfriend and hide from curious onlookers and intrusive questions.
We finished the end of Dancing with our Hands Tied! Parts A-T if you missed it. Do you agree that Taylor is agonizing over an event that almost outed her? And she is regretful that she choose the closet over her lover? With that foundation, let’s look at Question…:
Here’s the lyrics as written so you can get a sense of the story Taylor is telling:
Can I ask you a question? Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room And every single one of your friends was Making fun of you But fifteen seconds later they were clapping too? Then what did you do? Did you leave her house in the middle of the night? Did you wish you put up more of a fight? When she said it was too much? Do you wish you could still touch …her? It’s just a question
Now I’ll try to analyze them line by line, using what we learned from Dancing with our Hands Tied plus the consensus of word meanings gleaned from other songs in the catalog:
Can I ask you a question?
To me, it seems like both Dancing with our Hands Tied and Question… Are less about one event or person, and more about Taylor’s overall mentality and what that leads to. Taylor is acknowledging that her gay-panic and straight-washing sucks. BUT this song (we’re back at Question…) is a justification of her actions.
She is asking the listener (her ex-girlfriends, fans, critics, etc…) to empathize with her very specific situation. In these lyrics, Taylor is calling for us to stand in her shoes (on your tiptoes) and see why she does these seemingly callous things repeatedly. Question… is a song about Taylor’s phobia of being unabashedly queer and her habitual dread of being outed.
As I said, I think this applies to every one of Taylor’s sapphic relationships. For ease of writing and for specificity, I’ll use the muse I’m most familiar with, the most recent known girlfriend, Karlie.
Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room
The first question Taylor asks (exes, fans, critics) is did you ever find yourself in a situation where you were doing a controversial action in front of everybody?
Not sticking up for your (sapphic) love out of fear of social rejection is a common theme in so many of Taylor’s songs because it’s the primary problem in Taylor’s real life (Question… [Part 14]). Her actions and inactions cause her partner to be relegated to the back of the closet. And all the hiding and secrets and lies hurts their love. Which is why in Betty, Taylor wants to rectify the situation by publicly kissing Betty/this woman she loves (Question… [Part 17]).
And every single one of your friends was
Making fun of you
Taylor adds details to her first question. She wants to know if you’ve done something controversial AND if everyone was disdainful towards you about it?
Taylor wants us to know that, yes, she acted ugly as a result of each of these public events that revealed her true nature. Cruel Summer shows Taylor’s hidden feelings:
Cruel Summer
She hated all the secrets. She snuck around for love despite the dangerous consequences. And it made her sad that her love wasn’t celebrated. But she had to. Because everyone was judging her harshly, ready to out her to the world.
But fifteen seconds later they were clapping too?
Then what did you do?
Taylor wants to know what the listener would have done when the rules changed. She says, turns out, you adjusted in order to tame the controversy, but society evolved. Instead of jeering this formerly controversial pairing, the majority were cheering. But what if you (her ex, the fans, any critics) were still locked in cages of maintaining your status quo? How would you handle the situation then?
She asks the listeners what they would do in that very specific situation. Knowing it’s impossible to handle smoothly, Taylor then implies that nobody can judge her harshly for her reactions and behavior. She says anyone would act just as cagey under her circumstances.
The specific event of Kissgate hurt Kaylor because Taylor defaulted to brand damage control instead of just coming out. Taylor, the individual, long ago lost her autonomy to Taylor Swift, the brand. All the anxiety about negative societal reactions kills the sapphic partnership. And when time passes and the general public is more accepting of queerness, Taylor was already locked into her marketed image. She has to remain super-straight, or her fans will know she lied a lot of times. They will feel betrayed by their friend. The half moon eyes in Question… are the combination of these anxieties constantly tugging Taylor and any sapphic lover apart.
Taylor talks to a few different subjects in the next lines. Taylor is asking herself these questions. She’s asking her girlfriend if any of these outcomes would have changed if either of them had taken different actions. And she asks the listener to empathize.
Did you leave your secret love in the middle of the night? In that situation, do you think you could put up more of a fight? And what about if your girlfriend was also anxious about it? Would you press her to continue? Taylor is saying she had all bad choices here, and anyone would have finished with the same bad outcome as she did.
Did you leave her house in the middle of the night?
According to her catalog, it’s Taylor who blew things out of proportion, and it was Taylor who burned the relationship down. It’s Taylor who pushes Karlie (any girlfriend applies) to run, and to take the last train. It’s Taylor who jumps off the train and rides off alone.
Did you wish you put up more of a fight?
Taylor is asking this question to herself and her exes. She’s also showing her listeners how difficult it was to even do the little pushing back she did. She was marketed not only as boy-crazy, but as everyone’s personal friend, so the news would cause a stir.
The Taylor Swift brand is huge. There is a lot of money and power behind it. Look at one example of a business move that conveys the incredible power of TSTM:
Taylor (as face of the brand) had spoken and a Fortune 500 company immediately complied. In this damage-control situation, after trying and faltering against all that brand-leverage, Taylor asks how would YOU proceed?
Coming out as any kind of gay would cause backlash, and the employees of TSTM might be subjected to hardship. There is strong motivation to put out fires on behalf of the brand. Their damage control is quick and decisive. The water of them putting out this fire became a flood that engulfed and overwhelmed everything. In Clean, Taylor said she screamed so loud when all this water filled her lungs. This damage control negatively impacts her despite being the face of the brand.
Remembering how the butterflies crumble to dust and Taylor is unhappy and alone in the closet, she had momentary bravery and pushed back against her team’s damage control. Part of Taylor wants to choose authentic love, and the woman. So she started fighting for her (real) relationship, arguing with her team about downplaying the event that outed her. She protested against going back into the closet, and tried to stop the torrent, “…but no one heard a thing.”
Nobody on Taylor’s team listened to Taylor [remember her crying at the table in Miss Americana?] and she submitted, “Hung my head as I lost the war.” The war is Taylor’s conflict with her sexuality (this is bigger than her team). She momentarily wanted to come out, but TSTM executives thought it would be bad for the brand. It was just enough friction to trigger the conflict within herself. As much as Taylor wants to come out and be free to love her soulmate, her fears of losing everything are stronger. “So I punched a hole in the roof, Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.” Taylor’s fear took over in the end. Clearing the air, she breathed in the smoke, and helped with the cover-up at the expense of her sapphic love.
When she said it was too much?
Here Taylor is telling the listener that the split wasn’t just one-sided. The partner felt exhausted by the complications and couldn’t deal with it anymore.
She is asking the listeners/critics what you would do if you lived through this complicated event, and had to deal with the pressure of a whole brand.
Furthermore, what if the girl you were trying to fight for had a lot of doubts? The girlfriend wasn’t sure that she even wanted to go through more just to make things work–what would you have done? Taylor is making it evident that she (as individual vs. brand) didn’t have a lot of pull in the matter. And even if she did, her girlfriend was beaten down by the experience and ready to leave.
Again, the music belies Taylor’s internal struggle. In Death by a Thousand cuts, Taylor tells how heartbroken she was with the final result:
Do you wish you could still touch …her?
Taylor’s last question shows that she wishes it wasn’t this way. She still covets the touch of her lover. Despite her impossible situation, and inability to rectify it in a satisfying way (for all parties involved) Taylor says she truly loved the girl.
Taylor’s most important relationships couldn’t overcome so many stumbling blocks despite both loving each other (Question… [Part 10]). There is internal homophobia, career pressures, political considerations, bearding complications, on and on. How many struggles can one relationship survive?
When Taylor’s default action is covering up her queerness, it causes her to suppress her secret relationship as well. Karlie politely lived with being stifled, her love tamped down (Question… [Part 10]). But eventually left the smothering deprivation of the closet. Karlie “married” the guy or more suitably–commissioned her new heteronormative life (Question… [Part 9]).
The break-up kills Taylor. And Karlie is dead to Taylor now that she has a child and a (diabolical) husband. Both Taylor and Karlie (this could apply to any and all of Taylor’s sapphic lovers) are dead inside, cold lifeless hands reaching out grieving for the living (“do you wish you could still touch her?”). Yet, Taylor still prioritizes building a legacy despite repeatedly losing the lover because of it (Question… [Part 11]). It’s a pattern she’s repeated over and over.
It’s just a question
This is a cheeky ending where Taylor feels like the listener agreed with her logic. She wanted us to know the details of her situation so we could see how she couldn’t do things any other way. And now that we’ve seen her side of things, she knows we’re on the same page as her. She was entombed in a lot of ways and that justified her behavior. It’s the same as Dancing with our Hands Tied: Taylor is broken because her sapphic relationship ended. She’s regretful and wished things would have been different. But she reminds herself, her ex, and her audience in the song how her unique circumstances are to blame. And she ends both songs saying I regret this, but… Taylor has rationalized all her choices which have led to these disheartening outcomes.
Taylor will remain shrouded in the lavender haze because she has more challenging circumstances than many. But she’s still going to be sad, and share her feelings about it in song.
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