Narcissist Boss

I had always been confused about why my mentor essentially declared war against me. It happened after I knew she was a lesbian and married to a woman. And she was very closeted and afraid of being outed in the community. But still, she turned against me and treated me terribly after I realized she was cheating on her wife by fucking the hairdresser.

I couldn’t understand why someone would act so ugly against a person who had dirt on them and could potentially spill their secrets and ruin their reputation. Wouldn’t you kiss ass if someone knew your secrets? But my mentor did everything to make me feel alone and ostracized. She demoted me at work. She made it known I was not welcome to use the bathroom at her house (even though it was my only option). She ignored me, and scheduled our work parties on days I had final exams out of town. She made it blatant that she hated me and wanted me gone. Which was weird because nothing really happened? There was no altercation or fight or misbehavior. This was just a 180 switch of the flip. And it was confusing. I had personal access to her life and could observe her cheating behavior, yet she silently battled me.

I think what happened is that I had looked up to her, emulated her career, listened to her advice. But when I came back to town (before I knew what was going on with her) I loudly declared cheating sucked. I made known I looked down on cheaters and thought they were scum. I told my mentor that my ex was called Douche, and wouldn’t give her real name, even when my mentor pressed me for it. I said that cheater doesn’t deserve a proper name. And I think my mentor heard that and took it to heart since unbeknownst to me at the time she was also a cheater.

As I stayed at the Cabin-Mansion, there was a lot about my mentor I didn’t really like anymore. I was an adult and had more experience with the world to formulate my own opinions. I wasn’t a 16-18 year old sheltered kid anymore. I had lived out of state, attended college, and worked for truly compassionate people. I could now see my mentor was neglectful/abusive to her wife, treated her employees and doctors under her too harshly, and wasn’t who I thought she was. I didn’t mean to, but I lost my respect for her after seeing how she really acted. And I think that’s actually what kicked off the war. I stopped emulating her and seeing her as larger than life. I ended her supply.

It feels good to finally know what the fuck happened. The whole situation continued to bother me because there was no closure. My mentor and I never really talked, and I really didn’t understand what happened or why. But now that I’m becoming more familiar with narcissist behavior, I realize it was nothing to do with me at all-my exMentor is a full-on narcissist.

I underlined things in the following article that I think particularly pertain to my mentor and the situation at the Cabin-Mansion:

What Is Narcissistic Supply?

Published: October 13, 2021 Updated: October 2, 2022

Narcissistic supply refers to the constant supply of attention and admiration needed by narcissists. To gain this attention, narcissists will often use a “false self” that is likeable to attract people to them. However, because narcissists are unable to make healthy connections, they tend to target people who are more vulnerable in order to feed their supply.

Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction where the narcissist requires, and even demands, limitless special treatment, admiration, importance, or validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Narcissistic supply is how narcissists cope with the world, making it a place for them to thrive.

Wanting attention, accolades, and validation are not narcissistic in nature. We all need to feel heard and have a sense of belonging, but narcissists crave this attention constantly. Narcissists seek individuals that are easily lured in by their charm and naïve to their manipulation and exploitation. Once the supply is received, the narcissist will soon become low or empty, always needing more. Feeding narcissistic supply is like trying to fill a bottomless pit—and when they don’t get it, they may react with narcissistic rage.

What Is Narcissistic Rage?

Narcissistic rage, a term first used by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut in the 1970s, is a sudden and powerful outburst from a narcissist that could include anger, aggression, and violence.¹ The behavior occurs when the negative feedback that a narcissist receives causes great discomfort and their defense mechanisms are activated. Some narcissists will gaslight, deflect, project, verbally assault, or collapse. …Narcissists will become emotionally, psychologically, physically, or verbally abusive. One reason they respond this way is they recognize that direct exposure is happening and discovery of their false identity is being threatened. In order to keep their true selves secret, narcissists will “blow up” to deflect from the underlying issue.

6 Signs of Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rage may not appear much differently than other sudden outbursts from friends and loved ones at first. When these behaviors occur repeatedly, observers can begin to notice the trends and patterns that emerge.

Some of the most common signs of narcissistic rage include:

• A bout of anger that is disproportionate to the triggering stressor, sometimes bordering hatred for the victim
• A rage that may quickly end and never be discussed again
• Anger that results in verbal or physical aggression towards another person or property
• Anger that results in self-harm
• Frustrations that seem to be brought on by the person not getting their own way, not receiving a wanted level of attention, or receiving the desired amount of praise
• Irritability triggered by being criticized by loved ones or coworkers, getting caught in a lie, or feeling out of control

The outside observer may struggle to understand the connections between triggers and anger, especially since the narcissist will likely blame other people and situations. Careful attention and analysis will point to signs of narcissistic rage.

What Causes Narcissistic Rage?

Narcissistic rage happens when a narcissist receives an injury. This perceived offense causes the narcissist to flare up with anger.

What Is Narcissistic Injury?

Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist thinks their self-esteem or self-worth are threatened.² The narcissist’s false self is exposed, causing distress that leads to narcissistic rage.

Narcissists are extremely sensitive individuals with very low self-esteem. When their shortcomings are pointed out, they become defensive and frustrated. Their delusions of grandeur are put on display and their inadequacies are highlighted.

8 Triggers of a Narcissist’s Rage

Here are eight ways a narcissist’s rage could be triggered:²

1. They don’t get their way, even if what they want is unreasonable
2. They feel that they’ve been criticized, even if the critique is constructive or said kindly
3. They’re not the center of attention
4. They’re caught breaking rules or not respecting boundaries
5. They’re held accountable for their actions
6. Their idealized self-image was harmed in some way
7. They’re reminded of their manipulation, inadequacy, or shame
8. They feel out of control of their surroundings

source:

1. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-supply/

Standing Up For Me

Kim had written me back–ignoring my hurt feelings and anger.  Just skipping over the important things and talking about how she’s looking to buy a bar.  And she didn’t remember basic details of my life.

I held off responding because I didn’t know whether to just overlook it and let her off the hook and play the part of supportive friend, or call her on her bad decision and poor behavior towards me.  Then, I got tipsy.  I took the opporuntunity to say what I really wanted to say and ask something I really wanted to know.

It made me proud to stand up for myself in a way I never have with Kim or Mary.  I took control of the situation for once and called her on her bullshit.  I deserve more than she has been giving me.  So We’ll see how she reacts.  If she cuts ties again–no loss, she’s toxic to me anyway.  But maybe, just maybe she will acknowledge how she hurt me and provide me with some answers.

I can feel good about it either way.

Does It Even Matter At This Point?

Kim wrote me last night.  It sounds tired and trite even as I write it.  No, I am not stuck in some Groundhog Day moment–it just feels like this keeps happening again and again.  As always, I was excited (less so than in the past).  As always, I responded (but with more honesty).  As always, Kim’s words brought back bad memories, old issues, and sleepless nights.  No change there.

So again, no apology or explanation about why she cut off communication.  Just a friendly intro per the usual as if nothing had happened.  As if she didn’t suddenly drop me from her Facebook friend’s list (yeah, I accepted her new request) or write one sentence a year but never returned any comments or wrote again. . .

Some progress on the Mary front.  “She made Mary kick her out” by confronting her (FINALLY) about sleeping with the hairdressr.  I have to say, after all the hype, it wasn’t even worth hearing that Mary finally admitted that she did.  It was old news.  Everyone already knew–had known since 2007.  Before I ever got back there.  Everyone knew.  This should not have been Earth-shattering stuff in 2010. . .  

But the inevitable move out, break up, start from scratch occurred.  Mary didn’t want to be friends, and all the better for Kim, I say.  Ugh, WHY do lesbians always want to be friends with their exes?  It’s kinda morbid and it doesn’t work.  Once you have fucked someone the dynamic is forever different than superficial pals.  When will girl-loving-girls learn?  At any rate, Kim is back with family where she belongs.  But still worrying about how Mary has skewed the story (to her own advantage) in Dayton.  Well, enough of those rifts and stories and Dayton will get wise–or not.  Who.  Cares.  

The poor adopted–and then unceremoniously UNadopted little boy–was just a side-note to the main story.  Kim didn’t seem all that sorry that together she and Mary had ruined that little guy.  She talked about it very briefly in the context that Mary couldn’t handle him after Kim moved out for even 12 weeks.  That story still makes me ill and heart-sick.  With those two it’s like anybody else is just extraneous.  No care for the feelings of that innocent kid, and me to a much lessor degree.

Kim went on to say her beloved cat had died, but strangely didn’t mention the passing of her grandma that meant so much to her.  Maybe she knew I already knew about that.  She tells about a new cat (Gingi) and sums up with an acknowledgement that she hasn’t been the best at keeping in touch (you think?) and she will do better (heard it before).

I excitedly wrote back.  Why do I DO it?  I guess I didn’t say anything unexpected:  I’m glad she’s out of that situation and away from Mary, who cares what Dayton thinks, sorry about Buster-Brown, and I’m glad she’s close to her family again.  What I did mention was how the ordeal at the Cabin-Mansion messed me up to the point I still dream of it.  I told Kim I had been conflicted about Mary (she already knew my feelings on this matter) but I also told her I was angry at her.  Maybe I should not have used the past tense, since this blog is hinting at more anger and frustration towards Kim’s tenuous contact/relationship with me.  I went as far as saying I thought she had given up on herself and written me off.  I am proud of me for that I guess.  Maybe it wasn’t enough.

Last night, when I was awake and analyzing the past as I usually do when I hear from Kim, I thought about writing and telling her not to talk to me at all if she can’t keep the lines of communication wide open.  I thought maybe it would be better if I just told her it hurts me too much to hear snippets from her.  That it brings up all this toxic garbage that I think is over.  I guess we’ll see if she’s sincere about being friends now that she’s entirely away from Mary.

Snakes, Beverage Debate, and Burial

I hardly ever remember my dreams.  As soon as I wake up they’re gone.  But today I remember two of them.  I’ll have to look up what they mean.

Cool and I were at one of Kim and Mary’s BBQ parties.  Mary was aloof.  Kim was being weird, first ignoring me and refusing a hug, then if I was disgruntled trying to make me laugh.  She wanted me to like her, without being close or upsetting Mary.

After awhile they made me mad so Cool and I drove off heading for home.  We turned down a side road and a large truck and three huge snakes were blocking the way.  One of the snakes was all gross and dead.  But the one on the right was alive and it scared me.  I ordered Cool to turn the car around and drive away quickly.

Another route to go home was blocked by a big, black snake.  This snake seemed even more hostile.  So we tried to turn around again, but this snake was interested in following us.  I told Cool not to stop at the stop sign at the upcoming intersection.  She was afraid about making a quick left turn into traffic.  Because the sanke was after us she did.  And we were almost hit by a speeding logging truck.  The snake still followed too.

The dream ended with us pulling in front of the logging truck and the big, black, mean snake falling in behind the logging truck-still after us.

In the second dream, Cool and I were just hanging out.  I already forgot the whole first part, but we ended up in some sort of downtown.  We went inside a small super-church with bleacher seating and a PA announcer.  We saw my parents and their friends Kathy and Don, and they introduced us to two churchy girls.  Then, the service was about to begin and neither Cool or I wanted to sit through it, so we agreed to leave.

We kinda hung around outside the chruch on the concrete.  I was debating (in my head) whether I should suggest getting a beer or a coffee) and Cool I thnk was talking about some impending trip to Spain.  This was already a known trip to me–and I wasn’t going along.  I was wondering if a drink in the morning would be some sort of alke behavior.  I don’t think I got a chance to mention either beverage, before some music? group approached us.  

They were famous in my dream.  I can’t remember what we did or said.  Then, the really tall guy ended up picking me up and throwing me high in the air.  I was scared, but in a fun way.  Their was laughing.  Then, I forgot this part as well.

I was sitting on the concerete ground and I’m not sure what Cool was doing other than standing by my left.  Oprah came out of the church, grabbed my face, and said, “Kindron?!”  I said I wasn’t and pointed to Cool.  Oprah said the church wanted to bury us before they ate burgers.  This wasn’t sinister in my dream, it was more like a baptism thing.  Oprah said they wanted me second and  I should follow.

We went back in the church nervous and the pastor was talking over the microphone.  So Oprah, Cool, and I sat on a bench and waited our turn before I woke up with a dead arm.

Evaluation:

 Snake is a positive symbol suggesting changes and self-renewal. Snakes, especially twining snakes, is a signal of a healing dream. You are obviously ready to move on toward the future and no longer want to relive the past. 

So maybe I now realize Kim and Mary are toxic to me and am finally ready to move on entirely.

To dream that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

 

To dream that you are inside a church suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

To dream that you are walking on a sidewalk, represents your steady progress and direction in life. You may be experiencing new walks of life. If the sidewalk is cracked, then it signifies minor and temporary setbacks that are keeping you from getting to your destination. Perhaps you need to alter your course and make some changes in your life. 

To dream that you are floating on air indicates satisfaction, contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems and rising above obstacles. You are experiencing new-found freedom and gaining a new perspective on things. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle. Alternatively, floating in your dream suggests that you are wandering through life aimlessly with no goals. You are just going with the flow.

To see a burial in your dream, indicates that you have gotten rid of your bad habits and have freed yourself from a negative situation. You are finally letting go of something. 

To dream that you are burying a living person, signifies emotional turmoil. Alternatively, it suggests that you are being buried by problems and stresses of your waking life.

To dream that you are being buried alive, suggests that you are being undermined or stifled in some way. You are feeling trapped or helpless.  

To dream of a christening symbolizes a renewal and fresh beginning. You may be undergoing a transformation where you want to better yourself as a person.

So there you have it!  Clear as mud.

Not a Minor Step

My mom and Miss Mike and Shaun Minor and others were car-pooling to some teacher thing when Miss Mike mentioned how she had finished my letter of recommendation for vet school.  Someone in the car asked what school I was applying to.  My mom–in a major step of defending me against Mary in the Dayton community said she did not want to say since Mary had sabotaged a past attempt to get into vet school.  I had told her how the secretary of admissions told me how Mary had called and said she would NOT write a letter for me (and probably more bad things) during that Cabin-Mansion drama.  My mom actually said that out loud, in a public forum, in front of Mary’s sister-in-law!  Miss Mike winked at my mom in a knowing way acknowledging that she had to keep quiet for my sake.

I’m glad my mom is finally on my side–it took her a long time to get there.  And as for Mary, if she contacted my prospective school it would just make her look crazy.  She has no pull there-she isn’t buddy buddy with the dean of admissions and an alumni as she was in Missouri.  As far as I’m concerned, Mary can’t hurt my chances to get into vet school any more.  I’m not afraid.  She’ll get what’s coming to her.

And I’m really proud of my mom for taking a stand on my behalf, doing the impossible and keeping her mouth SHUT about the details of my application, and standing against Mary in a small town enamored with the longtime resident and hometown hero.  Fuck you Mary Minor!

Get Out of My Dreams!

The last time I spoke to her (or had any direct communication, for that matter) was December 2007, and yet Dream-Mary always sneaks into my unconscious. Her hostile presence, accusatory questions, and disregard for me is always there with her. I always wake up feeling depressed and anxious. . .

Foreboding

I’m not certain what it all means.  Was I completely derailed by the Cabin-Mansion experience?  Yes.  Are my perceptions of this person changed entirely?  Certainly.  Did we leave things a little (OK, a lot) unresolved?  Definitely.  Would I like to avoid this situation in real life?  Totally!  But I don’t know why I still dream about it three and a half (wow-has it been THAT long?) years later.

I’d be happy to finish my book and never think about her and all her drama again.

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Creeped Out

Yesterday was my mate Cool’s birthday.  She turned 32.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today, I had the realization that I met Mary when she was 32.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The shared-ages creeped me out severely!

Pseudonymn

I, in no way want to protect any of the characters at the Cabin-Mansion.  At the same time, I think names should be changed if only to protect myself from a libel suit once my book becomes a best seller.  I want the names to be reminiscent of the people they represent without being so personal as to hold up in court as slander.

A brainstorm of alternate names/titles/nicknames for the people/places in my stories:

 

 

Dayton–>

Notady, Yandot (Yawndot), Tadyon (Tadyawn)

 

DVVH–>

 

Columbia, MO–>

collegetown

 

Noah’s Ark–>

AnimalHouse

 

Mary–>

Candice, Claudia, Farrah, Francis, Tabitha, Tamara, Tracy, Tammy, something Douche-esk would be really nice too

 

Minor–>

carpenter, farmer, tailor, thatcher,

 

Lana–>

Leela, Leena,

 

Kim–>

Christine, Dawn, Dana, Kelly, Renee, Robin, Vicki

 

Kathy/The Hairdresser–>

Betty, Gloria, “The Hairdresser”

 

Debi–>

Cari, Holi, Jaki, Keli, Juli,

 

Shaun Minor–>

blather, prattle, CBS, ABC

 

Phil=”Bill”

 

 

Votes?  Suggestions?  Both are welcomed encouraged!

I Might Believe (in) You if I Didn’t Know

“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.  I been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.  And it’s taken me this long, baby, but I’ve figured you out. . .”

I always thought Kim was as fond of me as I was of her.  I missed hearing from her and felt strong empathy for her situation.  I just kept waiting, and waiting for that contact from my friend–it was torturous.  When Kim did make the effort to talk to me, it was only more agony.  Nervousness about what she would say, frustration at all the unanswered questions, sadness upon the realization she was drinking, excitement about future plans, then inevitable disappointment.  It was always very upsetting to get a random call, text, or message from Kim, but then none of the promised follow up communication.  I would fret and wonder if I had said or done something wrong, then scrutinize the conversation to death trying to figure out why she disappeared again.

“You don’t have to call anymore, I won’t pick up the phone.  This is the last straw, don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

As much as I loved to hear from Kim, and as good as I felt resuming our comfortable relationship, it was almost worse being reminded of her only to have that familiar dearth of communication again.  But I kept making excuses for Kim to justify her hurtful actions.  I would placate myself by blaming Mary’s stringent regulations for Kim’s silence.  I was livid at Mary for banning Kim from talking to me when she could still continue her affair with the hairdresser.

All this time I had thought that at least the two of us were on the same side of the fight.  Recently I realized this was an erroneous assumption when I heard Kim finally fled the Cabin-Mansion, but she still didn’t contact me.  How could I possibly conciliate my emotions and blame anyone but Kim for this current paucity of connection?  I could no longer primarily blame Mary for Kim’s lack of communication.  It makes me replete with dolorous, disappointment.

“. . .  Could have loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold.  And you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know. . .”

There was a time when I would have waited for Kim to come around.  I just knew she was a life-long friend, if not my soul-mate.  I only gave up after abounding miscommunication, no communication at all, and a lot of outside interference.  I hate, hate, hate to think it, let alone type it, but maybe my relationship with Kim was just a string of disappointments.  Sure, we got along famously.  We would laugh a lot, and understood each other.  I knew how Kim felt about a lot of things, and she could read me better than almost anyone else.

But there was another aspect:  Sober Kim was not very forthright.  The only times she would open up and really talk, or divulge any information or motivation was when she was trashed.  I would wait for such moments and embrace them, choosing to remember only those times, and not the times when I was left confused, wondering, and frustrated about the most basic goings-on in Kim’s life.

And now I realize I could never live a life of not knowing.  And I won’t accept addiction for a little probity.  I am better than that, and do not need alcohol to influence any connection with another, whether they be friends, family members, or a lover.  I want all of my relationships to be frank, open, honest, and sincere.  And that is something I could never have with Sober-Kim.  I simply cannot stand to wonder. . .

“. . .  You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade. . .”

It deeply hurts me to accept that this current Kim is not the verdant Kim I met when I was 17 and inexperienced in life.  She has been wasted by alcohol, damaged by the isolation Mary bestowed upon her, and she is not going to get any more of my worry.  Kim was no longer optimistic or funny when I went back to Dayton.  All the fun was drained out of her, and in its place was loneliness and vodka.  The second time I knew Kim, she was just an effigy of the person I had known prior to my Missouri move.  She was going through the same motions she had before, but as an image–nothing seemed genuine, and everything about her was tinged with sadness.

The stress of the Cabin-Mansion certainly lionized Kim in my mind–she was the only semi-bright spot of that whole deal.  When she was drunk or trying to ply herself with my alcohol, she was the only person that knew what I was going through and felt sorry about it.  How could I not honor her?  But just because there is a dandelion in the poison hemlock, doesn’t mean it’s still not a weed.  Maybe my feelings toward Kim were more apocryphal than I knew, just because we had suffered together.  I am finished.  That part of my life is over.  Chapter complete–now for the book.

1!)  Song is “You’re Not Sorry” by Taylor Swift

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Conflict Resolution is not a Veterinarian’s Strength

You would think it would be.  They are compassionate enough to want to work with animals.  School trains them to be sagacious in dealing with clients.  They are astute when dealing with health crises.  Maybe all of these attributes just don’t extend to staffing issues.  I have seen some vicious parleys between veterinarians and their subordinates almost everywhere I’ve worked.

I walked into work Monday to see a nasty note reprimanding my performance on Saturday.  My cheeks reddened with embarrassing at the public admonishment, and my temper became incarnadine with fury at the unfairness.  Apparently I had not “gently mixed” the ruby blood sample well enough, and the numbers were askew as a result.  Seriously–you can just tell me on the day it happens.  You do not have to enumerate my every mistake in a missive for all to see and send the other doctor to lecture me about it two days later.  It ruined my whole day–right when I set foot in the door.

When I am a veterinarian, I swear, it will be a hard and fast rule to only chastise staff in private.  It is a real problem in small animal medicine at least.  At my first job, Mary saw every decision she made as self-evident truth, and would regularly bark, “Don’t think!” if someone attempted to explain their (perceived) wrong actions.  At Noah’s Ark, the doctor would lose her temper (I postulate it was because she was stressed and they COULD be shit-heads) and scream at staff members in front of everyone.  I hated it–even if it wasn’t directed towards me.  At the emergency hospital, the doctor’s adage was one of anti-social behavior.  He was surly, scary, and short-tempered in general. . .  In Seattle, one of the vets used an axiom of sarcasm, and mean-spirited banter, as well as losing all patience (and mores) and screaming while strewing things of shelves, and generally making a huge scene.

So this current passive-aggressive public humiliation is not the worst, but I think all of the above behavior is out-of-line and counter-productive.  I wish the veterinarians I have worked for could just slake their aggression and talk (calmly) to the staff.  I think co-workers and authority figures should moderate their tempers even if they are super-annoyed and work closely together.  And if they can’t–they should hire an office manager to satisfy disciplinary issues with poise.

While we’re talking about authority figures I want to bring up another power issue.  I venerate the veterinarians I have worked for.  Even if I think some of them are total tool-bags as people, I respect all the hard work they had to do to get in, and pass veterinary school and their boards.  They are obviously perspicacious if they have made it this far.  That said, I refuse to grovel at their feet.  I am a person too, and that should also garner a little respect.  I am hard-working, plucky, and human.  I have many attributes and though I am not a doctor, I should never have to kowtow just because of that fact.  I absolutely HATE when veterinarians have some power/dominance issues and require me as staff to boot-lick and defer to them in ALL matters.  Doctors that get their self esteem from making their staff humble themselves constantly are high maintenance!

All of these concerns would be mollified if veterinarians would learn to treat the staff like people.  As a leader, the doctor should be conciliating problems that arise instead of exacerbating  them.  In a crucial anesthetic moment, does the surgeon get stressed (well of course they do, we ALL do) and panic rather than buckling down and taking steps to correct it?  Staffing should not be any different.  Logic should not take a back seat to emotions.  When I am a vet, I plan to have high expectations, but when things go wrong, I will pacify my anger and deal with them.

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