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Standing Up For Me

5 Nov

Kim had written me back–ignoring my hurt feelings and anger.  Just skipping over the important things and talking about how she’s looking to buy a bar.  And she didn’t remember basic details of my life.

I held off responding because I didn’t know whether to just overlook it and let her off the hook and play the part of supportive friend, or call her on her bad decision and poor behavior towards me.  Then, I got tipsy.  I took the opporuntunity to say what I really wanted to say and ask something I really wanted to know.

It made me proud to stand up for myself in a way I never have with Kim or Mary.  I took control of the situation for once and called her on her bullshit.  I deserve more than she has been giving me.  So We’ll see how she reacts.  If she cuts ties again–no loss, she’s toxic to me anyway.  But maybe, just maybe she will acknowledge how she hurt me and provide me with some answers.

I can feel good about it either way.

Does It Even Matter At This Point?

22 Oct

Kim wrote me last night.  It sounds tired and trite even as I write it.  No, I am not stuck in some Groundhog Day moment–it just feels like this keeps happening again and again.  As always, I was excited (less so than in the past).  As always, I responded (but with more honesty).  As always, Kim’s words brought back bad memories, old issues, and sleepless nights.  No change there.

So again, no apology or explanation about why she cut off communication.  Just a friendly intro per the usual as if nothing had happened.  As if she didn’t suddenly drop me from her Facebook friend’s list (yeah, I accepted her new request) or write one sentence a year but never returned any comments or wrote again. . .

Some progress on the Mary front.  “She made Mary kick her out” by confronting her (FINALLY) about sleeping with the hairdressr.  I have to say, after all the hype, it wasn’t even worth hearing that Mary finally admitted that she did.  It was old news.  Everyone already knew–had known since 2007.  Before I ever got back there.  Everyone knew.  This should not have been Earth-shattering stuff in 2010. . .  

But the inevitable move out, break up, start from scratch occurred.  Mary didn’t want to be friends, and all the better for Kim, I say.  Ugh, WHY do lesbians always want to be friends with their exes?  It’s kinda morbid and it doesn’t work.  Once you have fucked someone the dynamic is forever different than superficial pals.  When will girl-loving-girls learn?  At any rate, Kim is back with family where she belongs.  But still worrying about how Mary has skewed the story (to her own advantage) in Dayton.  Well, enough of those rifts and stories and Dayton will get wise–or not.  Who.  Cares.  

The poor adopted–and then unceremoniously UNadopted little boy–was just a side-note to the main story.  Kim didn’t seem all that sorry that together she and Mary had ruined that little guy.  She talked about it very briefly in the context that Mary couldn’t handle him after Kim moved out for even 12 weeks.  That story still makes me ill and heart-sick.  With those two it’s like anybody else is just extraneous.  No care for the feelings of that innocent kid, and me to a much lessor degree.

Kim went on to say her beloved cat had died, but strangely didn’t mention the passing of her grandma that meant so much to her.  Maybe she knew I already knew about that.  She tells about a new cat (Gingi) and sums up with an acknowledgement that she hasn’t been the best at keeping in touch (you think?) and she will do better (heard it before).

I excitedly wrote back.  Why do I DO it?  I guess I didn’t say anything unexpected:  I’m glad she’s out of that situation and away from Mary, who cares what Dayton thinks, sorry about Buster-Brown, and I’m glad she’s close to her family again.  What I did mention was how the ordeal at the Cabin-Mansion messed me up to the point I still dream of it.  I told Kim I had been conflicted about Mary (she already knew my feelings on this matter) but I also told her I was angry at her.  Maybe I should not have used the past tense, since this blog is hinting at more anger and frustration towards Kim’s tenuous contact/relationship with me.  I went as far as saying I thought she had given up on herself and written me off.  I am proud of me for that I guess.  Maybe it wasn’t enough.

Last night, when I was awake and analyzing the past as I usually do when I hear from Kim, I thought about writing and telling her not to talk to me at all if she can’t keep the lines of communication wide open.  I thought maybe it would be better if I just told her it hurts me too much to hear snippets from her.  That it brings up all this toxic garbage that I think is over.  I guess we’ll see if she’s sincere about being friends now that she’s entirely away from Mary.

Snakes, Beverage Debate, and Burial

15 Oct

I hardly ever remember my dreams.  As soon as I wake up they’re gone.  But today I remember two of them.  I’ll have to look up what they mean.

Cool and I were at one of Kim and Mary’s BBQ parties.  Mary was aloof.  Kim was being weird, first ignoring me and refusing a hug, then if I was disgruntled trying to make me laugh.  She wanted me to like her, without being close or upsetting Mary.

After awhile they made me mad so Cool and I drove off heading for home.  We turned down a side road and a large truck and three huge snakes were blocking the way.  One of the snakes was all gross and dead.  But the one on the right was alive and it scared me.  I ordered Cool to turn the car around and drive away quickly.

Another route to go home was blocked by a big, black snake.  This snake seemed even more hostile.  So we tried to turn around again, but this snake was interested in following us.  I told Cool not to stop at the stop sign at the upcoming intersection.  She was afraid about making a quick left turn into traffic.  Because the sanke was after us she did.  And we were almost hit by a speeding logging truck.  The snake still followed too.

The dream ended with us pulling in front of the logging truck and the big, black, mean snake falling in behind the logging truck-still after us.

In the second dream, Cool and I were just hanging out.  I already forgot the whole first part, but we ended up in some sort of downtown.  We went inside a small super-church with bleacher seating and a PA announcer.  We saw my parents and their friends Kathy and Don, and they introduced us to two churchy girls.  Then, the service was about to begin and neither Cool or I wanted to sit through it, so we agreed to leave.

We kinda hung around outside the chruch on the concrete.  I was debating (in my head) whether I should suggest getting a beer or a coffee) and Cool I thnk was talking about some impending trip to Spain.  This was already a known trip to me–and I wasn’t going along.  I was wondering if a drink in the morning would be some sort of alke behavior.  I don’t think I got a chance to mention either beverage, before some music? group approached us.  

They were famous in my dream.  I can’t remember what we did or said.  Then, the really tall guy ended up picking me up and throwing me high in the air.  I was scared, but in a fun way.  Their was laughing.  Then, I forgot this part as well.

I was sitting on the concerete ground and I’m not sure what Cool was doing other than standing by my left.  Oprah came out of the church, grabbed my face, and said, “Kindron?!”  I said I wasn’t and pointed to Cool.  Oprah said the church wanted to bury us before they ate burgers.  This wasn’t sinister in my dream, it was more like a baptism thing.  Oprah said they wanted me second and  I should follow.

We went back in the church nervous and the pastor was talking over the microphone.  So Oprah, Cool, and I sat on a bench and waited our turn before I woke up with a dead arm.

Evaluation:

 Snake is a positive symbol suggesting changes and self-renewal. Snakes, especially twining snakes, is a signal of a healing dream. You are obviously ready to move on toward the future and no longer want to relive the past. 

So maybe I now realize Kim and Mary are toxic to me and am finally ready to move on entirely.

To dream that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

 

To dream that you are inside a church suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

To dream that you are walking on a sidewalk, represents your steady progress and direction in life. You may be experiencing new walks of life. If the sidewalk is cracked, then it signifies minor and temporary setbacks that are keeping you from getting to your destination. Perhaps you need to alter your course and make some changes in your life. 

To dream that you are floating on air indicates satisfaction, contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems and rising above obstacles. You are experiencing new-found freedom and gaining a new perspective on things. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle. Alternatively, floating in your dream suggests that you are wandering through life aimlessly with no goals. You are just going with the flow.

To see a burial in your dream, indicates that you have gotten rid of your bad habits and have freed yourself from a negative situation. You are finally letting go of something. 

To dream that you are burying a living person, signifies emotional turmoil. Alternatively, it suggests that you are being buried by problems and stresses of your waking life.

To dream that you are being buried alive, suggests that you are being undermined or stifled in some way. You are feeling trapped or helpless.  

To dream of a christening symbolizes a renewal and fresh beginning. You may be undergoing a transformation where you want to better yourself as a person.

So there you have it!  Clear as mud.

Not a Minor Step

18 Sep

My mom and Miss Mike and Shaun Minor and others were car-pooling to some teacher thing when Miss Mike mentioned how she had finished my letter of recommendation for vet school.  Someone in the car asked what school I was applying to.  My mom–in a major step of defending me against Mary in the Dayton community said she did not want to say since Mary had sabotaged a past attempt to get into vet school.  I had told her how the secretary of admissions told me how Mary had called and said she would NOT write a letter for me (and probably more bad things) during that Cabin-Mansion drama.  My mom actually said that out loud, in a public forum, in front of Mary’s sister-in-law!  Miss Mike winked at my mom in a knowing way acknowledging that she had to keep quiet for my sake.

I’m glad my mom is finally on my side–it took her a long time to get there.  And as for Mary, if she contacted my prospective school it would just make her look crazy.  She has no pull there-she isn’t buddy buddy with the dean of admissions and an alumni as she was in Missouri.  As far as I’m concerned, Mary can’t hurt my chances to get into vet school any more.  I’m not afraid.  She’ll get what’s coming to her.

And I’m really proud of my mom for taking a stand on my behalf, doing the impossible and keeping her mouth SHUT about the details of my application, and standing against Mary in a small town enamored with the longtime resident and hometown hero.  Fuck you Mary Minor!

Get Out of My Dreams!

29 Jun

The last time I spoke to her (or had any direct communication, for that matter) was December 2007, and yet Dream-Mary always sneaks into my unconscious. Her hostile presence, accusatory questions, and disregard for me is always there with her. I always wake up feeling depressed and anxious. . .

Foreboding

I’m not certain what it all means.  Was I completely derailed by the Cabin-Mansion experience?  Yes.  Are my perceptions of this person changed entirely?  Certainly.  Did we leave things a little (OK, a lot) unresolved?  Definitely.  Would I like to avoid this situation in real life?  Totally!  But I don’t know why I still dream about it three and a half (wow-has it been THAT long?) years later.

I’d be happy to finish my book and never think about her and all her drama again.

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Creeped Out

15 Jun

Yesterday was my mate Cool’s birthday.  She turned 32.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today, I had the realization that I met Mary when she was 32.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The shared-ages creeped me out severely!

Pseudonymn

27 Mar

I, in no way want to protect any of the characters at the Cabin-Mansion.  At the same time, I think names should be changed if only to protect myself from a libel suit once my book becomes a best seller.  I want the names to be reminiscent of the people they represent without being so personal as to hold up in court as slander.

A brainstorm of alternate names/titles/nicknames for the people/places in my stories:

 

 

Dayton–>

Notady, Yandot (Yawndot), Tadyon (Tadyawn)

 

DVVH–>

 

Columbia, MO–>

collegetown

 

Noah’s Ark–>

AnimalHouse

 

Mary–>

Candice, Claudia, Farrah, Francis, Tabitha, Tamara, Tracy, Tammy, something Douche-esk would be really nice too

 

Minor–>

carpenter, farmer, tailor, thatcher,

 

Lana–>

Leela, Leena,

 

Kim–>

Christine, Dawn, Dana, Kelly, Renee, Robin, Vicki

 

Kathy/The Hairdresser–>

Betty, Gloria, “The Hairdresser”

 

Debi–>

Cari, Holi, Jaki, Keli, Juli,

 

Shaun Minor–>

blather, prattle, CBS, ABC

 

Phil=”Bill”

 

 

Votes?  Suggestions?  Both are welcomed encouraged!