Tag Archives: aging

Elephant in the Room: Emily’s Voice

27 Apr

The due known as the Indigo Girls are my besties. i mean they don’t know it–but they’ve been there for a lot of moments in my life. Nomads, Indians, and Saints at my first job. Become you when I was a lonely only child in a rural town slowly figuring out that I didn’t really connect with anyone. Come On Now Social when I was dipping a toe into politics. Shaming of the Sun my first year of college, alone in the dorm. Despite Our Differences when my mate and I went to Zoo-Tunes in Seattle. They (via their music) have been my support system for 2 decades. Many people, especially lesbians have much the same experience.

Which is why I feel very defensive for Emily’s voice. Criticism is creeping in. I would have said something in the Reddit group if I had seen the post before it was archived. People were saying:
Emily’s voice i,s worse/bad. They say it cracks, and that she can no longer hit/sustain notes.

I noticed something off some of the times (not all), but thought it was lack of breathe control from obesity, honestly. Emily had gotten very heavy there for awhile, and I just figured her overall fitness was impacting her singing–nothing irreversible.

BUT those people said they noticed it on a couple recent albums and at a concert, and would not be buying IG concert tickets.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Valid reasons not to buy concert tickets:

The artist is chronically late to concerts.

The artist always cancels shows.

The artist is so fucked up they only sing 2 songs.

The artist pukes on stage.

The artist molests you.

The artist falls to the ground on stage.

But seriously, fans of the Indigo Girls are not going to attend concerts because of a intermittent voice issue?!  Jesus, have some empathy and BE A FAN.

A voice can be iffy for any number of reasons ranging from the mundane to emergent (this list is not exhaustive):
-tired/fatigue (both body & voice)
-screaming too much
-(early) Parkinson’s Disease
-many syndromes cause it

Have a little empathy and loyalty! Emily (both IG) have been with us through thick and thin for over 35 years!
When your spouse burns dinner-you divorce them?
When your child gets in trouble at school-you put them up for adoption?

And the Indigo Girls PUT ON A SHOW! It’s not just the singing. It’s the commraderie, the activism, the community visibility. Anyone who has belted out Closer to Fine with everyone at a show knows the communal pride and excitement I’m talking about! Emily’s writing talent and musical ability is amazing–and that has not changed. There’s a lot more to a band than just hitting and sustaining notes.

Also, men seem to get away with aging voices, ruined voices and still sell albums and concert tickets. The Rolling Stones are OLD. And honestly, their voices suck at this point. But you don’t hear about that–they’re legends! Dave Matthews often has problems, and his voice has degraded, but he still sells out 3 shows at The Gorge. Every year. I could probably name 100 men with iffy in the first place voices to major shimmer and jitter and degradation. Don’t hold women to different standards.

I wish Emily well with whatever is going on ❤

And fellow “fans” get it together! Show some loyalty for a band that has been there for you for ages >:-/


11 Feb

I know I’m aging.  I fully realize I’m not a teen or in my twenties anymore.  And I wouldn’t want to be.  I wouldn’t repeat those tumultuous years and mistakes (cough*Douche*couch) if you paid me.

The thing is, aging is sneaky.  I do feel tired a lot.  But it’s because I have this swing shift schedule, I don’t sleep that great.  I can’t nap.  I work 40 paid hours then go home and cook and clean and exercise.  I would be abnormal if I WASN’T tired.

And I knew my face and hair weren’t the same as they used to be.  I mean, the gray.  And the under-eye discoloration.  It’s not awesome, but I didn’t think I looked like an old hag or anything.  Just all the past sun damage, drinking, and lack of water were catching up.

But I never really felt OLD.  In age or in looks.

Until today.  I have been intending to scan in all my photo albums so save space and declutter.  And finally today I had enough energy to do that.  And I was looking at pictures from 2004 to 2006.  It brought up a lot of bad memories, and showed me how I had been struggling.  I was kind of a mess.  And I didn’t want to look at that mess and remember it.  Let alone relive it.  But there were several pictures of me.  And I looked so healthy.  And there was a close up of my face.  Which made me realize for the first time ever–I have lost my youth.

You know when you usually look at pictures and all you see are flaws?  That’s human nature.  Science.  Today, I looked at those pictures from 10-12 years ago and didn’t see flaws.  I saw my youth.  And it made me recognize that thing, that comprises youth is gone.  It wasn’t necessarily any one thing, though my skin was more luminous, my face fuller, and my hair less dull.  That spark has disappeared.

2004 I was 20 yo

And today, at 32 years old was the first time I ever felt that.

rockin the scarf

Not that I’m in crises or anything.  I just wish I could keep my emotional state of now and have the energy and physical characteristics I had in my twenties.  I should listen to that song and wear sunscreen.  Not just at the beginning of the season before my skin has had it’s first burn–> tan.  And not just at the beach.  But, like, 24/7.  And rest more.  And drink more water.  And groom better.

But that’s a lot of work when you’re so tired.

I realize the tone of this post sounds depressed, but it’s not like that at all.  I was mostly started to have the epiphany.  There will be no mid-life crises here.  I will age gracefully.

Bent Out of Shape

8 Nov


Today I (now) get off work at 10 AM. The day is supposed to be for school-related studying, projects, and meetings. So when our student chapter of our professional body put their meetings on Fridays–I was mostly relieved I was able to attend. In the past, I would have been severely annoyed as I would have had to miss every meeting b/c of work. Which is how I played it last year. Paid my dues, never showed up, never participated in anything, because all of it conflicted with work.  And that sucks–because this club is akin to a pre-vet student not being in the pre-vet club. Or a vet student NOT being part of the SAVMA or whatever. It’s not too cool, and it’s a red-flag to any admissions/scholarship committee.  It’s sort of something everyone is expected to do.  And it makes you more of a community with your classmates and puts you more in tune with the career.

Anyway, I want to play a role in the club this year, and because I’m a gung-ho, joiner, kind of gal I would love to take an active role.  Today, I went to school at noon just for the meeting.  And for a second meeting in a row, those-20-somethings chatted/gossiped about boys and television shows, starting late.  You know how I feel about being prompt. . .

ruined hairSidenote:  When did I start feeling so much older than the college-aged kids (did I just type that?) I attend school with???  I never really fit in with the college gals, even when I was in my lower 20s, but wasn’t nearly as annoyed as I am today.  Maybe annoyed is too stong a word–I merely notice that I’m in a completely different place in my life than these younger people.  They are talking about drama, weddings, boyfriends, boys, name-brand shopping, boys, parties, and boys.  Not what I consider substance.  That sounds too harsh as well–it’s not like I feel superior or anything–just worlds apart.  There is suddenly a large gap between me and them.  And it’s been fairly recent.  Maybe when I turned 30?

Back to the topic at hand:  Then, in a disorganized way, the officers at the meeting just said things (sprinkled with many “like” and a “down with that”) that could have been e-mailed or put on Facebook.  And at both meetings when people asked questions, no one really knew the answers.  The meeting (both of them) ended after 20 minutes.

I can’t help but to feel really disgruntled at what a waste of time that is.  Sure, the meeting may be just 20 min of nothing useful, but I have to drive over there. find (far away) parking, walk in, wait for them to start, walk back to my car, drive home–the whole thing sucks an hour out of the middle of my day and breaks it up so I end up being unproductive.

I hate that.  I want to get home from work, get into my jammies, study with my family hanging around me and recouperatingfood at the ready, then get ready for the next day of work, and go to bed.  Here I am.  I have done nothing school-related today.  And now it’s 4:30 PM, 3 hours before bed, when my brain is all lethargic and it’s difficult to find the motivation. . .  Also, when I go an entire day without doing anything “school” I feel really, really guilty and begin to fret.  That ruins sleep.  And I’ll be tired tomorrow too.  I don’t think I’ll go to any more of those meetings unless I’m already at school for some other reason.

In other news, while I was at school I picked up my inner ear/auditory pathway exam.  She keyed in one answer wrong so I get one more point–making my 3rd exam grade a 96.8%.  But I’m not satisfied with that because I don’t think the professor writes her tests (or grades them) very fair.

As an example, she had a fill in the blank portion where you could either write “inner hair cell” (IHC) or “outer hair cell”(OHC)  in response to various items.  One was “motile” which of course is OHC.  Well she wrote “one to many” on one spot and “many to one” on another.  I KNOW that OHC have one efferent nerve fiber that go to many hair cell bodies and that IHC have one cell body with many afferent nerve fibers transmitting info to the brain.  But did she intend “one” to mean a hair cell or the nerve fiber or vice versa???  How am I supposed to know?!  Without being IN her head.  So on the test I wrote “neron” after both questions–to show that I was considering the first item to regard the cell body and the 2nd to be directed at the neron.  And she apparently meant it the other way around, so she marked both of those wrong.  Even though I obviously know the material.

Makes me crazy!  Counting all the unfairly graded questions I’ve missed so far, I’ve missed 8(?) things that it was obvious (from my notes on the exam) I knew, but differed from what she intended to mean when writing the exam/key.  That’s 2 full points of my overall grade. . .  *frown, frown*

Other then those neusances (and feeling extremely tired all week, despite decent sleep) I’m very, very happy that work is going better for me.  I could get used to this.  It really bleeds over into my whole live, emotional state, and attitude–whether negative b/c work is $hitty or awesome b/c work is neutral to good.  Takes tons of stress and worry out of my life-yay!  I hope it lasts.

Dead Giveaway

13 May

I guess this turned into a sort of rambling post.  But in the interest in establishing routines, I’m going to publish it.  I also cleaned for an hour (after being at work for 11 hours) and ran a mile on the treadmill–just because it was raining outside.  So here’s my effort to write.  Tomorrow will be higher quality work, but today is about making habits:

It’s a creepy feeling to receive e-mails from someone when you don’t think THAT person actually sent the message. It’s truly weird when the sender has been deceased for 10 months. . .

Laurel's pics 728

In other news, my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd (I was in Multi-Aged Group or MAG) grade teacher died last week. I’m sad I didn’t reach out to her more on Facebook, and I guess the word is disappointed I didn’t realize she was critically ill.

It’s also strange to think that I am now old enough that teachers and such are old enough to DIE. I mean, without an accident or some other incident that takes them too young. I’m old enough where people that impacted my life are getting old enough to go somewhat naturally.

Thirdly, Sloppy’s ashes and the necklace that contains part of her came back today. Family Pet Memorial does such quality work and is so compassionate! I felt really good about their turn-around, and did not hardly expect such a heavy discount for being an employee at one of the referring vet hospitals. But I was very, very thankful for it, as everything pet-related is adding up so quickly even with very substantial discounting from all sides. I appreciate all of it, and need to get on some thank you notes for sure.

I had empathy (sometimes) for people who couldn’t pay, (when they acted responsibly and weren’t over their heads, or actually couldn’t pay and it wasn’t just a priority issue) but this unexpected event has strengthened it.  I honestly, don’t know what real people do. . . I can see why people might get sticker-shock, have buyer’s remorse, or have to make tough decisions.  Kind of.  I do think good people work it out most times.  But it definitely can be hard.  Maybe I’m still undecided about this issue–it’s a case-by-case thing.

Lastly, I am very excited to reclaim my Goose without fear of eviction.  Though nervous about all of the logistics.

It’s My Big 29th Birthday!

7 Jul

Cancer Traits:

-Cancer is a meditative and reflective sign.

-strong survival instinct. They are protective of those they care about, and of themselves too.

-Cancer people are never detached—they cling to things, their home, and people they care for. They seek out security and familiarity in all they do. They look for peace and quiet. Their attachment to all that is safe means they are a little leery of change.

-looking for structure and security.

-They can be overly sensitive, easily hurt and prone to brooding. Even so, Crabs find it easy to be sympathetic to others and are quick to show their affection. Their intuition is also a great help to them, especially in times of stress.

-don’t be surprised if these folks get emotional about things. Those born under this sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them.  Cancer natives are self-protective and sensitive, and often retreat into themselves when hurt.

-they can appear quite defensive, as they can take things quite personally.

-Cancer is a very sensitive sign, and they don’t always appreciate it when you are blunt with them. Their reactions to hurt will depend on how thick a shell they have developed. Most Cancers react by withdrawing or retreating. Some have developed an ability to manipulate others to get what they want. They avoid direct confrontations almost as a rule.

-Cancer communicators’ style is to avoid arguments. But, make no mistake about it, they can provoke arguments easily. They do this in a subtle manner, then get hurt when others argue with them.

-These people can have a hard time compartmentalizing their lives, simply because their watery Moon tends to know no boundaries. Sometimes, as a result, they may act irrationally.

-Cancers are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it’s not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this ‘shell’ a second home (and they do love home). The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody.

-If you’ve hurt them, they’ll have a hard time forgetting. Every so often, they’ll retreat into themselves (not unlike a Crab), and it can be difficult to pull them out.

-inclines toward passive-aggressiveness. These people seem to resist change and to shy away from direct confrontations. They need to feel secure before they act.

-Their first instinct, when threatened or on unfamiliar ground, is to protect themselves.

-When new situations present themselves, they can immediately withdraw or act shy.

-They have defensive reactions and bursts of emotional displays when they feel cornered.

-That shell, by the way, isn’t the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn’t do the trick, however, they’re not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn’t work, they’ll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive.

-You might notice their memory is a little skewed in the direction of emotion. The truth is, these people remember the mood surrounding all the moments they have stored in their memory. This is because they “feel you out” when you are talking to them. The words are not as important to them as the emotions behind them.

-large potential to be able to get in touch with the feelings and moods of others.

-ranging from sentimentality to possessiveness

-Crabs need to resist the temptation to become selfish or to feel sorry for themselves, since this behavior won’t help.

-Cancers often find that a robust workout session is just the tonic for their touchy feelings.  Since Cancers have a tendency to be lazy, however, they may need someone to push them out the door.

-These folks don’t ask for much, either: a comfortable home and sense of peace about sums it up. It’s that nurturing instinct which makes Cancers a pleasure to be with.

-These peace-loving souls dislike superficiality in all of its forms. They are devoted and accommodating. The insecure ones accumulate things in an attempt to feel secure.

-Cancers are, in fact, quite yielding and soft when you have them in the right mood. They are one of the more hospitable signs of the zodiac. Sure, they can be touchy and indirect, but they are also very dependable, caring souls.

-Do your best to make them feel secure and cared for, and you will be rewarded with a patient, dependable, and loving mate.

-Cancer needs roots. They resist change to an extent, and concern themselves about being secure and safe in most everything they do.

-Because of their strong attachment to, and memory of, the past, others may complain that Moon in Cancer natives tend to whip a dead horse. They may dwell on hurts long after everyone else has moved on. When they feel they have been taken for granted (which may be often!), they don’t always confront others directly. This is when they can use roundabout ways to get your attention. In fact, these natives, when they are insecure, can become quite manipulative. They can also be victims of habit.

-One of the most delightful characteristics of Moon in Cancer people is their loony sense of humor. These people can be extraordinarily funny.

-When treated with tenderness and understanding, Moon in Cancer natives return the favor with warmth and protection. Give them security, and you’ll take the crabbiness out of the Crab, at least for awhile.

-These people are wonderfully dependable overall, despite their occasional mood swings. Make a friend of Moon in Cancer, and you will be taken care of for life.

Last Day of Year 28

6 Jul

And it was a pretty good one.  Didn’t do anything spectacular–Studied Anatomy for what felt like forever this morning, walked downtown for the 4th or 5th time this week.  Watched a movie with Cool.  Did 45 min of Wii Fit.  Listened to music.  The regular pretty much.  I guess it’s what I DIDN’T do that makes the day great–no work.  That was nice.

I really had to make an effort not to post yesterday.  I’m trying to train myself to study rather then blogging every day.  Anyhow, now that I’m letting myself type–I feel scattered.  Just goes to show how habits are dependent on at least a little effort every.  single. day.  One day off and it throws the whole scene off.

The thing about the last day, means that tomorrow is a new beginning.  And that calls for evaluation and goals:

I’m glad my 28th year is over.  It’s not that it was terrible–but the biggest event was final rejection from vet school.  Not the most awesome.  But at least the chase is over.  I feel good focusing on something attainable.  And I’m excited for the Speech and Hearing Sciences.  I feel like I may have a chance at it.  And the hours (and mentality) will be better.  As will the cost of schooling and the job outlook.

Aside from starting over on the career front, I was waaaay better at getting off the couch and exercising this year.  Joining the YMCA last August, then going to the all-weather track as soon as the temperatures reached 60 degrees wasn’t always easy.  But totally worth it.  I can’t say my diet was improved, but at least I am now aware of calories, where I wasn’t before.  Not that I mind my nutrients, drink water, or eat produce as I should–but I at least try to stick in within my BMI’s allotment of calories (in the week, not necessarily every day).  I feel really good and healthy.  Though now I need new summer shorts and skirts 😦  Which sucks, because there is not extra money to do so.  I bobby-pinned some shorts yesterday and have been cinching everything else with belts.

I need glasses.  I really, really need to get myself to the dentist.

That’s the big news.  Now I have just one more year until my personality is cemented forever.  Before then:

Worry less.  Mind my portion sizes.  Don’t get caught up.  Keep my stress in check.  Try to eat more produce (not necessarily less junk/carbs).  Save money for moving.  Drink water.  Directly say what is bothering me–and suggest how to fix it, instead of passive-aggressive maneuvers.  Write nicer things.  Read more.  Cost-benefit analysis.  Use a nicer tone of voice–especially when super-annoyed, mad, or impatient.  Let go.  Don’t get overwrought.  Pay off the entire Visa balance.  Floss daily.  Try to be agreeable.  Don’t take everything so personally.  Maintain eye contact.  Demand respect, but give it too.  Show affection.  Disengage gossip–even when I agree with the point.  Primp a little for work.  Remember people are reading.  Stretch before running.  Mind my undergrad loans.  Don’t collect items.  Help Cool do the laundry (even though I HATE leaving the apartment to do it!).  Touch people.  Chalk it up to self-involvement instead of a personal affront when people are butt-heads.  Only organize important things.  Bide my time–but be positive daily.  Cook more.  Be more patient–especially with question-askers.  Exercise (even in cold or rain or when it really sucks) because it really helps my stress level.  Love on my buddies more.  Don’t always jump to the worst conclusion about people’s intentions.  Laugh more.  Treat others like I want to be treated.  Don’t get bogged down in negativity and cynicism.  Get annoyed less.

81 More Days

24 Apr

Until my birthday!  And it’s never too early to plan.

Yeah, I should totally be studying right now–instead of editing and posting this blog (I wrote it Sunday).  But I woke up felling really tired.  And I wanted to 1) avoid (just for a minute!) my school notes and 2) Wake up a little bit before trying to cram information in my head.

I don’t know how many birthdays I have celebrated in Montana.  birth-4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 17, almost 28–I guess almost half of them.  And the other half were probably at Lake Tahoe.  With a little Phoenix (3 years?) and Seattle in there.  And birthday in Montana is not really a THING.  We just visited extended family every other year when I was growing up.  And my mom got summers off, so that’s when we’d go.  And my birthday is in the middle of summer.  So there you have it.

THIS year, I used vacation days in addition to my day off and Independence Day holiday to get Tuesday July 3rd afternoon through Sunday July 8th off.  And Wanting to GO somewhere, but having limited funds, we are off to Montana for at least a part of that–depending on how much time off Cool can get.  Montana, because it’s cheaper then Seattle–and slightly closer.  Though we could have chosen The German, I suppose.  But that’s good for short trips since we would have to pay to stay the night there.

It’s too bad my parents can no longer come along to Montana.  That would have been perfect–stupid, expensive roof.  But maybe Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda can come.  Aunt Linda is a good-time girl.  Either way, Cool and I make our own fun.  And we will make sure to have directions and stuff ahead of time this year since cell phones apparently don’t work at all in the whole state.

I will stay with family (for free), go to pow wow (of course) and we want to go to Glacier National Park and a brewery–maybe the Tamarack?  It will be awesome.  I haven’t been to Glacier since I was little, and I don’t think Cool’s ever gone.  Bison Range was ah-mazing with Cool, and we got super pictures, so Glacier should be equally as awesome.  Maybe some of my Aunts and Uncles can even go. . .  And I’ve never been of-age to be able to go to a MT Brewery, and they looked really cute when we drove by last year.  And the Tamarack has an outdoor patio (which I love) with a fire pit and heaters–cause I’m always cold and bug-bit in MT.  And I always love pow wow–we’ll just go later in the day and earlier in the weekend this time.  Everyone was partied out and sold out by the time we got there last year.  So exciting birthday times WILL be had!

29–it sounds weird to say.  I feel like I’m still 27, because there is never a call to SAY aloud how old you are after about 24 years of age. . .  And because going to Elemental and eating like Frasier was the epitomy of all birthdays.  I guess in my mind I stopped growing older after that.  But this year is certain to me great in a different way.

You’re Only As Old As Your Liver

24 Feb

I have to cut back on my drinking.

Problematic or not–it’s going to make me look older then my time.  Drinking will eventually make your face get puffy.  There will be tell-tale broken capillaries and redness at the top of the cheeks and across the nose.  The midsection will be distended.

I don’t want that.  And I don’t want to look all old either.

Also, alcohol is a depressant.  And I’ve been in a definite funk as of late.  The two shouldn’t go together.  I will cut back.  Problem is–I am supposed to have some brews with co-workers after work today in an attempt to humanize them, get to know them better, and hopefully be less annoyed with them AT work.  Then, tomorrow, my Aunt is supposed to come over for wine and Wii.

So I guess I’ll sneak Gatorade in between drinks and try to go slowly for the next 2 days.  And then. . .

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