Is Taylor Swift who we Thought she was? [Part 1]

Considering recent events I would be remiss not to address the whole 1975 guy and Taylor “dating” so I’m just going to briefly pause the Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments series to talk about it. I have the next 2 posts all ready to go when we resume.

But before I get into that let me give you a history of my exposure to Taylor Swift:

It’s hazy (excuse the pun) when I became a fan of Taylor Swift. I just vaguely remember her being there. She sort of snuck into my life through hearing her singles at the grocery store, or on the radio on the way home from work. I wasn’t really her target audience- I was a bit older than her, just a peripheral country music fan, and I don’t like dudes.

More and more I was hitting repeat on my ipod on her songs. I especially like what I consider her red marker songs. All the ones with anger and bitterness and revenge as the main themes. I don’t know what that says about me, but my insurance only covers 3 counseling sessions per year, so I guess I’ll have to wait to find out. Anyway, I was especially moved by You’re not Sorry, Mean, and Should’ve Said no. I listened to those over and over (no literally, as the song was ending I would push that left side of the circle and play it again) in the car to and from my IVF appointments.

Sidenote: I had to drive 2.5hr from my college town to Kansas City to get paps, blood tests, and hormones as an egg donor. Each session was 3 or 4 months, and the appointments would start out every 3 weeks or something like that, but as it got closer to harvest the appointments could be as many as 3x a week. I was doing a LOT of driving! And Taylor was with me the whole time.

So I have a lot of sentimental attachment to Taylor’s songs. I did not really know anything about Taylor the person, or even marketer. I was a college student with a job so I legit didn’t have that much time to check it out. Also, I couldn’t afford like a TV package with good channels (this was before streaming was mainstream), had a purple Razor, no data (this was before iphones), and I was on Myspace (hated) Facebook, so you had to proactively search people, they didn’t just fall into your feed. Also, it was during the Limewire and Frostwire days (I wasn’t fancy enough to be able to engage with Apple except for my little ipod) so getting music was a whole ordeal.

When Taylor didn’t have Red on Spotify, I really lost track of her, except for hearing the ubiquitous songs out and about. I knew nothing of her personas, eras, fashion, friends, or concerts. I was working and studying (and poor) most of the times, OK? I sort of heard scuttle about her dating constantly, but didn’t know the specifics. Just heard the misogynous comments around school or in the media.

When I saw the rainbows, butterflies, and adorable aesthetic of the Lover era I re-engaged more than ever. That was my jam. The Me! video (not song) is SO ME. It’s everything I ever loved and I wanted EVERY interview, behind the scenes video, and easter egg decoding. I never even knew the easter eggs were a thing before that.

In searching for content I saw these Kaylor compilation videos on YouTube. Before that moment I had not heard of Kaylor, did not know who Karlie Kloss was, didn’t even know what “shipping” was and was completely oblivious of stanning and fan culture. Boy, did I get an introduction! I clicked on the video because Taylor and a model looked very pretty on the cover. As I watched I was agog. As a lesbian, I knew THE LOOK and the way these two looked at each other, the body language, the chemistry–was undeniable. Nobody told me about Kaylor, I had never read about this, but I could see it. After that I found two very interesting podcasts: Taylor Talk and TayDar. I loved the song analysis, and was very curious to find out about everything I had missed over the years (hint: everything but the popular songs). I got on Tumblr, went to Reddit, and Googled a lot of power-points. I was down the rabbit hole.

Then I became obsessed, as you’ve seen. Part 2 we’ll discuss what’s happening now.

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Midnights ~ Vigilante $hit

Vigilante Shit 

Draw the cat eye, sharp enough to kill a man/You did some bad things, but I’m the worst of them/Sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie…/…I don’t dress for women/I don’t dress for men…/…Ladies always rise above/Ladies know what people want/Someone sweet and kind and fun/The lady simply had enough

TS Snippets: The rubies I gave up ~ Maroon

I feel you no matter what, the rubies that I gave up

So ruby comes from Latin for Red, which Maroon is talking about a lot.

Is Taylor just saying that she gave up the scarlet passion, raw emotion, and love in choosing the closet/fame over Karlie?

Perpetually burning fires? Like a Leo’s fire. Or the comfortable home life? Taylor gave up both.

I’m sure that the healing has nothing to do with this song, but we’re learning so I still included it.

Taylor gave up Karlie (the sun). Ruby is gemstone of…the sun?! It has a MAROON aura!!!

I mean, did this exact paragraph inspire the song, or what???

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: evermore ~ dorothea

Dorothea

Hey Dorothea/Do you ever stop and think about me?/When it was calmer/Skipping the prom/Just to piss off your mom/And her pageant schemes/And damn, Dorothea/They all wanna be ya/But are you still the same soul/I met under the bleachers?/…But it’s never too late/To come back to my side…/…  And if you’re ever tired of being known/For who you know/You know, you’ll always know me

Friend of Dorothy (FOD):

I’m not asserting The Stonewall Riots were caused BY her death, but everyone was extra-angsty about the gay icon’s overdose and that combined with the continuous police harassment was the straw that broke the camel’s back:

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: folklore ~ invisible string

invisible string

Time, curious time/Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs/Were there clues I didn’t see?/And isn’t it just so pretty to think/All along there was some/Invisible string/Tying you to me?/…On your first trip to LA/You ate at my favorite spot for dinner…/…Time, mystical time/Cuttin’ me open, then healin’ me fine…/…A string that pulled me/Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar/Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire/Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons/One single thread of gold tied me to you…/…Cold was the steel of my axe to grind/For the boys who broke my heart/Now I send their babies presents/Gold was the color of the leaves/When I showed you around Centennial Park/Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven/Time, wondrous time/Gave me the blues and then purple pink skies/And it’s cool, baby, with me/And isn’t it just so pretty to think/All along there was some/Invisible string/Tying you to me?

***Trigger Warning***

Conversion Therapy, Religious trauma, Reparative therapy

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: folklore ~ this is me trying

this is me trying

I’ve been having a hard time adjusting…/…I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back…/…Pulled the car off the road to the lookout/Could’ve followed my fears all the way down/And maybe I don’t quite know what to say/But I’m here in your doorway/I just wanted you to know/That this is me trying…/…They told me all of my cages were mental/So I got wasted like all my potential/And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad/I have a lot of regrets about that/I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere/Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here/Pouring out my heart to a stranger/But I didn’t pour the whiskey…/…At least I’m trying/And it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound/It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you/You’re a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town/And I just wanted you to know…/…That this is me trying/At least I’m trying

https://www.cbc.ca/life/wellness/broken-heart-broken-brain-the-neurology-of-breaking-up-and-how-to-get-over-it-1.4608785#:~:text=When%20we%20break%20up%2C%20our,anxious%2C%20depressed%2C%20and%20isolated.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4477838/

***Trigger Warning***

abuse, addiction, suicide

https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/guides-and-publications/when-a-family-member-is-suicidal

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Lover ~ MA&THP [Part 2 Gender Roles]

I split the songs up on the Lover album as well so we can delve into each one a bit more.

America’s Sweetheart to Miss Americana:

You know I adore you [America]/I’m crazier for you [USA]/Then I was at sixteen/Lost in a film scene [innocent, naïve, charmed]/Waving homecoming queens/Marching band playing/I’m lost in the lights [caught up in youth and fame]…/…Ripped up my prom dress/Running through rose thorns…/…No cameras catch my pageant smile…/…American stories/Burning before me…/…No cameras catch my muffled cries [Disillusioned by American politics]…/…They whisper in the hallway, “she’s a bad, bad girl” [as Taylor aged, her image became more negative]…/…You and me [Taylor’s country]/That’s my whole world/They [Patriarchal oppressors, homophobes, far right conservatives (take your pick)] whisper in the hallway, “she’s a bad, bad girl”/”She’s a bad, bad girl”

As Taylor’s competence increased with age, she was perceived as more of a threat:

But the sexism was always there, even when Taylor was viewed as America’s Sweetheart:

Rectifying Sexuality and Religion

I was inspired by this interesting research dissertation to write my own little history like the ones summarized in this paper:

Click to access levy_denise_l_200808_phd.pdf

Kit10phish is a 39yo lesbian. As a child she seldom attended church, but went 2-3 times with her parents to unknown (to her) denominations as well as the only local church, a Baptist institution. She went 2-3 times to the LDS church with a friend as a condition of Saturday sleepovers, and was amazed that none of the origin stories were similar to what she had been taught previously. In formal church Kit10phish was never present for any sermons regarding homosexuality. Despite lack of physical attendance at church, partially due to the rural setting, Kit10phish’s parents conveyed the family was Christian and passed along Bible stories, songs, and lessons of religion. Her parents, believed homosexuality was unnatural and believed in the “hate the sin, love the sinner” rhetoric. When Ellen Degeneres came out Kit10phish was no longer able to watch that sitcom, because her parents found it too “in your face” and were disgusted. Kit10phish knew at that point being gay was frowned upon and something to stay far away from.

Kit10phish did not have very much representation of LGBT people, real or in media in the 90s and early 2000s, so she never knew it was an option. She wasn’t very interested in the boys at school, believing they were the wrong type of boy, and that she was just a late bloomer. Through her job, Kit10phish met lesbians and started questioning her own feelings. Kit10phish came out to herself one month before her 19th birthday, but it was upsetting, not freeing. She was depressed and angry about being gay, sad that life would be more difficult and she would have to forgo the milestones that she/everyone expected. There was a lot of fear and anxiety and Kit10phish knew she had to hide it from her parents, school friends, and her small community.

Kit10phish moved, in part, to go somewhere more accepting. She was out to dorm-mates and coworkers, but not her (conservative) classmates in college. After 5 years Kit10phish came out to her parents. They immediately asked if she had AIDS (they believed AIDS was a punishment for homosexuality) and if her sexuality was their fault. Her dad’s memories of being (same sex) sexually abused in the Navy came up and he was diagnosed with PTSD. Kit10phish wasn’t ready to discuss, let alone educate her parents about homosexuality, but it just so happened her dad’s childhood best friend from the same small town, was gay and happily married to a man. Kit10phish’s parents could ask all their questions to this gay couple, and glean some empathy and understanding of queer life. They found acceptance after a decade or so.

The split between innate sexuality and institutionalized religious homophobia was difficult for Kit10phish to navigate. The words of the Bible seemed insurmountably damning, yet Kit10phish knew her lesbianism was from God as it was a fixed, and unchangeable aspect of her. Feminist teachings actually helped her the most in rectifying the conflict between sexuality and religion. History and the artifacts saved and passed down are from the most powerful voices (wealthy, white, cis, males) and words of minorities are not esteemed, saved, passed down in the same way. Thus, the portions of the Bible that survived and were translated (from white men’s perspectives) are the words that made the cut. Kit10phish came to see the power and capitalistic business structures of the institution as separate from the loving teachings of religion. Kit10phish sees “faith” as a sales tactic and does not condone violence for religious supremecy. She considers herself agnostic, and thinks humans aren’t meant to know, but is open to concrete evidence of all religions and spiritualities.

An aside:

Kit10phish is still cagey about who she comes out to, and even now sometimes struggles with internalized homophobia. Though she stopped actively closeting and hiding who she was at 23 years old, she never felt any pride in lesbianism–it was an impediment to overcome. It wasn’t until literally 20 years after coming out to herself that she was actually happy about not being trapped in a heteronormative box. Before she was sad a wedding would be “weird” and “untraditional” with two women so she couldn’t have a “real” wedding. Now she regards marriage as an antiquated tradition rooted in power and ownership and rejects the sentiment behind nearly all the traditions. Not to mention the predatorily capitalistic “wedding industry” with it’s focus on spending instead of love. Instead of lamenting the lost straight milestones, Kit10phish was eventually glad about not being pressured to marry a man before 25, have children before 30, and live such a prescribed life. She is free to make her own choices on her own timeline.

Politicization of Pandemic

I want to catalog everything that’s going on, because it’s not every day you live through a global pandemic.  But the news is coming so fast and it’s just an overwhelming amount, and so much of it is questionable (maybe or maybe not based in fact) so it’s too difficult to say everything.

I can tell you I’m scared our work will make us go to the physical location too soon.  And they can do that even with a shelter in place order (which AZ doesn’t have & probably won’t get) because we are in the healthcare industry.  Which along with military, media, etc is exempt from shelter in place.

I’m worried because we work in one big room with 200+ people in it.  Low cubicle walls, no real barriers.  The air is recycled.  We share 2 bathrooms with even more people–the customer service reps inhabit the entire other side of the building and use the same bathrooms.  And I can always hear people coughing and sneezing, all the times.  So I’m worried.

I intuitively knew that even though everyone was touting wash your hands, wash your hands, that it isn’t enough.  Because even for regular colds and flues, if someone coughs or sneezes or breathes on you it’s in the air and you breath the germs.  And sure enough, research is coming out that the virus lives in air for 3 hours!  Not to mention on surfaces for hours and days depending on the type.

So I want to continue to work from home.  And I’m angry at anything that threatens that:

 

America’s capitalism– big business, stocks, and making money always gets prioritized above all else in this country.

Trump–  he has ulterior motives to make the economy look good so he’s trying to downplay the severity of this virus, limit testing so the stats don’t look as bad, lying about mitigating solutions because he wants to sweep this under the rug quickly but prior to this pandemic got rid of all the experts who could do that.

Republicans– because it’s always money with them.  They want to bail out big corporations, and signal to people this isn’t a big deal, just go on with business as usual (aka get back to work to make $$$).

Doug Ducey– who is a Trump lackey so is also trying to downplay the virus to help business.  He wouldn’t order a statewide closure of non-essential businesses like bars and restaurants.  He doesn’t wanna hurt the economy even though it’s inevitable, AZ’s population is old and there are a lot of multi-generational families here, and lives should come before money.

stupid/sheep/republican/ignorant/callous/etc people– the ones who are not changing their behavior at all and are probably directly spreading it by going out sick, or indirectly by going about their regular routines as asymptomatic carriers.  These are the people that are going to spread the virus to everyone, and I hate their inability to use reason and logic and not be in denial and/or selfish.

My work– because wash your hands just won’t cut it, and I suspect they know that but will prioritize productivity over our health.

So far we have 1-2 more weeks of work from home, but I’m dreading that they’ll call us back to the building despite the science…

Why Does Taylor Swift Act That Way?

After doing a lot of Taylor Swift research in general, and Kaylor factoids, I was thing about Taylor’s possible feelings and motivations.  The underlined are topics that came to mind, and I want you to read it bearing in mind things that go on in the Swift-verse (I tried to made up a word for Taylor Swift’s world, and I’m not sure it worked out).  The following is laying the groundwork for what’s happening with Kaylor and why.

 

Being in the closet:

fear of getting caught

fear of other’s people’s reactions

fear of losing important people in your life

fear of career setbacks

fear of being bashed

fear of who you become when you give up being (thought of as) straight

sadness at not fulfilling (heteronormative) expectations

sadness at not having an easy love/life

sadness at missing out

sadness about being the odd man out with friends and society at large

not being sexual at all-as a way to avoid it

being “too busy” for dating/love-so that people stop asking

being ultra-private-to signal others not to ask about it

feeling defensive

feelings of persecution

feelings of being alone, the only one

feelings of not being supported

forcing straight relationships (then feeling detached from them)

dating the opposite sex, but it’s weird/not what you had thought

internal homophobia

using homophobic language–so others won’t suspect

acting more straight

having very close same sex friendships

having confusing feelings regarding friends

being confused about boundaries

talking about the opposite sex to throw others off

staying away from ‘out’ queer people (guilty by association)

planning ahead-to avoid awkward topics, situations, or damning evidence

anger at having to hide

anger that life is harder for LGBT members

anger at a small dating pool

anger at homophobes

anger at people that “tolerate” gays

being hyper-aware of pronouns and manipulating them

language with a double-meaning

using wardrobe, jewelry, color to signal other gays, but stay hidden from everyone else

swearing others to secret

threatening same sex partners not to let on

not acting couply in public

saying your lover is just a friend

coming out to certain, trusted people, but not large groups, or known homophobes

 

Not knowing Taylor Swift personally, but being alive in the world, I think she may experience some of these feelings.  Lyrics, interviews, dates, and persona could maybe relate to a lot or most of these.  You can’t rush a person’s timeline.  Taylor has to come out when she’s ready (or if she is ever ready at all). 

A lot of these are truly founded worries the LGBT individuals have about making known their ‘difference.’  The list above comes about with politics, language, expectations, seeing openly gay people struggle.  This stuff doesn’t just come out of nowhere.  For example, Ellen Degeneres is an ‘it’ gal today sure.  But she lost everything when she came out–and for a long time afterwards. 

Instead of taking that trajectory as  ‘it’ll work out, come out– see how good Ellen is doing?  I think it should be a cautionary tale.  It was scary and even today I would characterize Ellen as a reluctant gay icon.  She came out for personal reasons, so she could live authentically.  I And when that happened she lost everyone.  Except a small group of LGBTQQA.  She didn’t wanna play to only gay crowds.  Didn’t ask to represent a whole population.  She was thrust in that role because of how big a deal her coming out was at the time.  But that other stuff wasn’t a choice she made–she played to exclusively gay crowds because suddenly, no one else would see her.  She was boycotted.  Ellen was cancelled.  People see her current success and forget all of that.  She didn’t even really mention her gayness at all in the beginning of her talk show.  She had to sort of play it straight again to get the status she has attained.  She finagled her way back into the mainstream. 

There are many more examples of people cut down after coming out.  So if Taylor is planning to come out (which I greedily hope she does, b/c it would make me personally very happy) I think she’s right to be cautious and do it carefully.  I would not want to see people throw her away, especially in the world of music where women are treated as a dime a dozen, totally replaceable by the next pretty blonde.

 

Gay-Dar

Because of all the closeted tactics, gays automatically learn to identify “family” and there is a knowing wink and nod, exchanged.  I think to some extent most gay people (and some straight) have honed their gay-dar.  It’s a practiced skill based on signals, non-verbal cues, and some stereotypes.  My feeling is that gays from conservative or churchy backgrounds are especially good at it, because the rural gays have to be more secret and underground.  

Does Taylor Swift’s Easter eggs relate to this?  I think so!

On the pod-cast I was listening to, they asked if Ellen Degeneres know Taylor Swift.  My feeling:  absolutely.  You can sense the two have a rapport.  Think of the episode when Ellen asked Taylor who she’s dating in kind of a knowing and cheeky tone.  And Taylor said, “My publicist told me not to answer that.”  I think Ellen knew what was up.  And whether or not Ellen has been told explicitly, I think she’s clever (and experienced enough) to know the signs when she sees them.

 

bearding

I’m not going to get into this as much, because it’s not really in my personal experience, but bearding is a good way to remain in the closet.  Because if you’re dating the opposite sex you obviously can’t be gay-says the public at large.  

This one speaks for itself.  And is the subject of so many theories in Kaylor.

 

Heteronormative/heterosexist

This is the societal attitude that everyone is straight until proven gay.  And when I say proven, I mean you won’t accept subtle signs, or obvious scenarios–it has to come from that person’s mouth.  The only other way is actually seeing sex.  This mentality is pervasive.  It’s just assumed all little girls dream of their big wedding day with whatever groom chooses them.  Guys are assigned the role of going out and chasing women for sex.  From infants when everyone is so curious about gender, roles are assigned to the sexes, and LGBT has no part in that.  It’s placed on everyone, and if that’s not who you are, it’s your responsibility to ‘come out of the closet’ as not straight.

I feel like 95% of Taylor Swift’s fans believe she’s straight.  They see long hair.  A feminine-looking gal, narratives of dating men.  Even when evidence to the contrary is presented, most fans refuse to believe she might be romantic toward women (too).  And they get angry at Kaylors for “pushing a narrative” when all Kaylors are doing is reading clues that Taylor Swift, herself, has placed.  Kaylors are hunting just like all Swifties, in the way that Taylor has asked and expected us to do.  I think some people, no matter what evidence was presented, would refuse to take stock in that.  Because of heterosexism, homophobia, or ignorance.  A lot of straight people don’t know that they know a gay.  Therefore, they don’t know what characteristics go with that.  Or they might have only experience with the most ‘out’ gays.  Which are only one type of gay.  To be fair, not a bunch of gays have come out, so people don’t realize the LGBT is diverse and there are all types, not just the super-flamboyant and stone-butch that are unable to hide, and are obviously gay.

 

OK, so there I think is a good foundation to see Taylor’s motivations and how it could possibly substantiate the Kaylor theories.