Tag Archives: bipolar

Moments of 2015-Bad

31 Dec

I see today (New Years Eve) as a day for reflection.  And I can’t say I’m sorry 2015 is over.  It wasn’t terrible, I’ve had much worse years.  But it wasn’t what I wanted either.  I like to know where I’m going, and in 2015 I never did.  I didn’t know if I would continue with school, and I didn’t know where my career would take me.  In the past, I’ve been severely disappointed when career objectives didn’t pan out, but this time I felt a calmness and grace about the situation.  Still, there is a dissatisfaction.  And now I’m left to really contemplate what I want in life.  But that’s a story for tomorrow, New Years Day, a day for goals and new beginnings.  Today I’ll post a few blogs about worst moments in 2015.  Which isn’t just picking the scabs of wounds, it’s thinking and it’s learning.  Seeing the worst times allows me to rearrange the circumstances to make next year better.

And again, I’m posting for the sake of time and forgoing a lot of re-writes.  I’ll edit later (maybe).

12TH WORST TIME OF 2015:  -Bob, at my new job, introducing himself as the janitor.  Trying to be funny, but offending me.  Insinuating of course he was much better than a crummy janitor.  He’s some client services administrator–big deal.  When he didn’t know that janitorial had been my very last job, and my father had been a custodian for 20 or 30 years.  What a D-bag.

11.  -Human drama at the YMCA.  Deb being all weird toward me because ???  and holding a grudge.  The churchy gal acting like a bitch and treating me like a lowly janitor.  Just coldness and unnecessary drama from people with nothing to keep their minds busy.  It was stupid, but even though I wasn’t invested in the drama, I noticed it, and had to DEAL with it.  Lame.

10.  -Rusty’s doors remaining half open in the winter.  Primarily because it rendered my remote start useless.  And obviously I NEED that.  I hate being cold.  So much so, that I had bought my own remote start and fought for them to put it in my manual–which is a liability for them and usually against the rules.  And I had always loved starting the car from inside the warm building.  But now it set off the alarm, because the doors were open just enough. . .

9.  -The unwelcoming, frosty environment at MSCL for my first 7 months working there.  NOBODY acknowledged me, talked to me, or anything.  I felt awkward and alone.  Those duds and douche-bags were the WORST!  Here’s an example:  I walk in as a brand new employee–and nobody (even my boss)  says hello.  Or I sneeze–and nobody says bless you or anything.  It was as if I was invisible.  I guess it’s because they have high turn-over, and they were change-averse.  And because it’s a lab, so people don’t have great any social skills.  But it still made me feel like it was ME.  And that brought back horrible memories of veterinary social problems that plagued my work life previously.  I had wanted new beginnings and to turn a corner in a new field–and this was not the start I’d hoped for.

8.  -Not getting into the UU AuD program, despite getting the 4.0, having extracurriculars, and working very hard on my application.  Was it the gay-themed activities I put on my application?  Bad interview answers?  Being from out-of-state?  I really don’t have any idea, and I feel like I should be in there.  Easily.  But this is toward the bottom of my disappointments (and the top of this list) because I’ve grown as a person, through my veterinary sagas.  I had to future plan, which wasn’t cool.  I still don’t know what I will do career-wise, which is scary and reeks of failure.  But I didn’t totally fall apart this time.  I took it in stride.  I do wonder how in the heck I didn’t get in that class, because I feel like I really deserved it and would have done an excellent job.  But I’m putting it on to them, not beating myself up over it.  And I’m not sure it’s what I want anyway.  I’m very disillusioned by the costs of school.  And I haven’t gotten ANY return on my undergrad investment.  And the forums scared me off of audiology a little, because they said Hearing Instrument Specialists can do almost exactly the same job, with NO school.  And they probably get paid equal or MORE than actual audiologists.  Also people talked about it being kind of a dead-end career, that’s highly redundant.  And I didn’t know if paying for 4 more years would even be worth it in the end.  But I’m still undecided, and haven’t closed the audiology door all the way.  Perhaps being 14th for a class of 12 was actually a favor to me. . .

7.  -When my parents insisted I call Dad’s chiropractor’s son about getting IN at Costco audiology–NOW, at the same time I frantically trying to complete a heavy-duty YWCA-UT job application and get ready for work at my current job.  They get overwrought and crazy and over-emotional, then there’s nothing for me to say or do to stop that crazy-train.  Unless I do what they say, when they say it, things fall apart quickly.  The whole thing just reminded me of every other time my parents tried to control me.  And how they were probably disappointed in me.  And that’s how the big horribleness of 2007 Cabin-Mansion had really kicked off the first time, so I was scared there would be a big blow up and subsequent melt-down of the relationship we had worked so hard to forge.

6.  -The meeting where work reneged on the full-time schedule, hours, and pay we had negotiated 3 days prior.  I had finagled the best schedule for my weekends, sleep, and time with Cool.  Everyone at work had left the meeting satisfied and happy.   They got coverage on a Sunday, which had been difficult to secure, I got Fridays and Saturdays off and a late-start Wednesday.  It was absolutely perfect and I commended myself for taking a chance and asking.  But 2 days later, they called me back in and told me I’d have to take the legit schedule I had applied for.  Because a girl (previously a bitch to me) who had more seniority, and was better at the job wanted to work Sunday.  And trying to please everyone, instead of defending me and the schedule they had promised me, they gave it to her.  So I felt betrayed (again) and like I had a much worse schedule.  But I also felt trapped.  What else would I do?  I needed this job, or it was back to veterinary assisting.  So I had to just accept it and deal with–while being really angry, frustrated, and un-trusting toward management–and that bitch.

5.  -When Cool picked a fight just 2 days after my good knows of getting a full-time job.  Cutting short my celebration.  Depression strikes this time.  Out of nowhere, Cool knocks the figurative wind out of me by acting like a major jerk.  It was awful, because I had just talked to my proud parents and had been super-ecstatic about my new job, and Cool knocked me down to a miserable level.  I was really sad about it, because I’m ALWAYS supporting Cool and she just didn’t have it in her to even pretend to return the favor–her depressive episode made it all about her.  Again.  I wished she could be supportive and celebrate with me, but instead her bipolar and selfishness ruined it all.  The memory of my new job is still tarnished.

4.  -Getting stuck with all the moving logistics, work, and most of the payments, because Cool went manic and in so doing abandoned me in a time of stress and need.  Which was the WORST because moving sucks anyway.  And there is so much to do and plan, and so much heavy physical work.  It wasn’t fair and I felt alone and unsupported.  Mental illness is the WORST sometimes.  It’s hard not to blame Cool, and that’s not really what I signed up for.  Cleaning the Spokompton apartment by myself was awful.  It was messy and there was so, so, so much left to do.  And it wasn’t fun, and I felt resentful that Cool had already started her job and couldn’t come do her share of the work.  Especially when I was cleaning things SHE had messed up.  Driving Rusty, alone, and wanting to come home and relax very badly, after such a tiring trip and no sleep.  Then walking into a messy house full of manic shenanigans, with a Craigslist ill-fitting futon we hadn’t talked about.  And dealing with having to clean and reconfigure everything, while dealing with a belligerent, unreasonable, manic person.  It was BAD.

3.  -Finding out I was just PRN (after they promised me something different in my interview).  I had interviewed over the phone for the job.  They said I was technically applying for a PRN job, but soon, they were posting a job with more regular hours.  That job was the same duties, but it was a year of guaranteed hours.  This PRN job, which had been posted was 25 hours a week for training, but then was substitute only.  Not stable, and not really what I wanted.  So they hired me during my phone interview, but told me they would call me when (slow) HR got around to posting the year-long job.  Then, I was to apply for that to make the paperwork legit, and that job would be mine.  I waited for the call to tell me that year-job had been posted and to complete that application.  And waited.  When I finally got the phone call from MSCL, they were wanting me to pick a start date for the as-needed job.  And pretended not to remember promising me the more stable-year long job.  I had written it down!  And the way my supervisor acted was callous–and I knew she remembered, but had just reneged.  But I had to take the lessor job, because what else was I going to do?  I needed an income after moving to a new state.  And sure enough on my first day of work, I found out they had hired a coworkers daughter for MY year-long job.  Nepotism had been at play, and as usual I got screwed at work.

2.  -The fear-phobia really, of being offered a job at a veterinary specialty hospital.  I had a sense of dread and sick feeling.  I should have never applied to veterinary hospitals, because my resume is just BUILT for them.  But I was feeling a little insecure and desperate about my guarenteed training 25 hours per week becoming true, as-needed.  I HAVE to work a minimum of 25 hours just to meet my bills, and that was soon to end.  And it’s my policy to ALWAYS interview for the practice if one is offered.  And while I know my veterinary experience is a major advantage in that field, I didn’t anticipate them loving me quite so much and being offered a full-time position on the spot.  The trouble was, it did seem like the best case scenario veterinary medicine could offer.  It was ONLY speciality referrals.  It was the BEST veterinarians in the state.  The hospital hirarchy was set up so there was a legitimate office manager and head vet tech to answer to–not the impulses of vets.  There was a true support system and everyone was on the same learning curve and truely didn’t leave you alone to fail.  And they seemed nice.  And said they didn’t yell–and I believed them.  And the technology was AWESOME.  They really had it all, not just the Idexx lab and digital x-ray.  Like ALL the toys, including MRI, and anything else spectacular.  But I had just such bad memories.  And I knew the schedules and the overwork, and the under-pay.  All the pit-falls, that really, I could no longer live with.  And it’s not what I want in life.  And the delimma was feeling like I HAD to take it, because I really had nothing else to fall back on, but feeling STRESS at the prospect of taking it.  In the end, I made the very, very difficult decision on not going backwards.  It was really hard (and brave) leaving veterinary assisting jobs in the first place, and I had done it for good reasons.  I had to keep up that bravery even when times got tough.  So I declined, but left the door open.  And they liked me so well, that they said to call any time I wanted a job.

  1.  VERY WORST 2015 MOMENT:  Thinking Goose might have thrown a clot to the leg, and worrying about his impending death, and worse, knowing there wasn’t a lot I could do to prevent it.  He randomly fell off the couch twice, and didn’t have use of his back leg.  It was too short to be a seizure (maybe) but didn’t have the pain of a thrombosis.  But my reference point was when the screaming cats had been brought to the vet.  Maybe there were precursor incidents at home that hadn’t been painful, and had gone ignored by owners–I didn’t know.  So of course, I thought the worst.  And I remembered the vets at Cats Meow preparing owners if there were any heart abnormalities.  Telling them to just make the decision to euthanize now, before emotions were involved, because once the clot was thrown, prognosis was grave.  And I remember the cats coming in-just screaming in horrible pain.  And owners saying it happened out of nowhere.  One day, the cat was fine, the next down in back and just SCREAMING.  It was awful to imagine that for my Goose.  And it’s still in the back of my mind, because he is a Maine Coon and they are notorious for heart issues.  But I’m hoping he was just being a clumsy dink, since it’s only happened twice, and the episodes were brief.
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When It Rains, It Pours: April [drive, err 2nd drive]

17 Jun

Yes, yes–another hiatus.  And there will be another (for a week) because my parents are visiting and I won’t have time to do the important things either.

PS-this is my WordPress anniversary, which is cool, but not my blogging one.  I started on Myspace–and yes, I liked it better.

anti-facebook

Anyway, let’s wrap up the moving story already.  I think the posting may be actually taking longer then the move itself. . .

So I had to drive Rusty (unknown vehicle status) a SECOND time from Spokane to Salt Lake City.  And I started out all tired.  Also, my house-sitting job wrapped up on a Saturday night, so it was awkward timing.  Because 2 days prior the lease on my apartment was up.  So I technically had no place to stay in Washington.

My boss (the owner of the house-sitting house) offered my an extra night at their place.  But I thought it would be awkward when her and her husband were home.  So I declined.  And my aunt offered me her house, but then I would be obligated to chat Saturday night, use her dirty bathroom/shower, and they would probably make me late (and CRAZY) in the morning with more obligatory chatting.

I would have to start the drive Saturday evening.  But I’ve learned trying to press on at all hours of the night, not only sucks, but is dangerous.  So I just broke down and shelled out money for a hotel.  But in Missoula–because I love that town!

pow wow and Missoula 031

So I’m driving up this steep, steep hill, pushing Rusty to do 65-70 MPH (normally 50 is my absolute max) not being sure how much Rusty could handle.  Everything is going ok–I’m in between that Idaho and Montana part that’s up, up, up, but fast speeds.  And suddenly, the hood of the car just catches my eye.  I saw it move!  While I was going 70mph!  I abruptly put on my flashers and pulled over in the “emergency stopping only” to check the scene.  Sure enough–the hood was OPEN!  I was so scared.  How long had it been open?  What if I hadn’t noticed?  What if it flew up while I was driving up hill with a lot of speedy traffic?  I could have been killed.  I imagine at that speed the hood would have broken the front window.  Not to mention obscured my vision.

So I closed that and resumed my trip, drama-free, but shaken.

I stayed at the hotel and it was lovely and uneventful as well.  Then the next morning I got an early (I am now a night person, remember) start at 5:38AM.

That drive between Montana-Idaho-Utah is boring.  Sure, the speeds are high, but there is really nothing out there.  And of course my phone doesn’t get reception.  Also making me nervous about potential car trouble.

Rusty is a 1992.  And back then, they apparently did not try to make it a quiet ride.  I could hear all the traffic loudly and the awful wind.  A random storm blackened the sky over me and caused severe wind that made it effortful to stay in my lane.  But it was so, so loud I kept thinking my doors must not be closed all the way.  So I was nervous one might open while I was driving and stuff (maybe me) would fall out in the highway.

The other thing that happened was while climbing a hill.  I was using cruise-control–that did make it a better ride then when I took the Penske.  Anyway, I’m going up hill at 75-80 MPH in a group of cars and suddenly Rusty just came out of cruise control.  Just decelerated at an alarming rate.  And because I was mid-hill I couldn’t get any speed manually either.  I had to quickly pull off.  And I didn’t know how alarmed to be.  Was Rusty done for?  Was this a sign of a bigger problem?  Would I be stuck in Idaho without a car or phone reception?  uh oh. . .

610

There was tons of wind and tons of bugs on the interstates of Montana and Idaho.  I was having to clean the windshield every time I filled the tank, then it would quickly become buggy again.  One time, about 5 hours into my journey, when I was tired, thirsty, had expired from car-slurr, I cleaned the windshield.  It wasn’t 5 minutes and this huge group of bugs crashed into my windshield, covering it with their rust-colored bodies.  It made me disproportionately upset and made the trip feel so loooooonnnnnnnggggg.

But I just used the bathroom, and cleaned off my windshield with vinegar–which boosted my morale substantially.  Vinegar worked better then the gas station cleaners and it was the first time I could see well!  And my car had no further issues.

The end of that trip sucks, because just when you’re the most greasy, tired, thirsty, and ready to arrive at the destination, the traffic becomes thick and the driving moronic.  You have to pay super-close attention and constantly defensively-drive!  So I’m worn out and crowded in speeding cars, having to pay acute attention.

Needless to say, when I pulled up at the apartment, I was DONE!  I was ready for a hug from Cool and a nap in a clean apartment.

But that’s not what happened.  Cool, still being manic, had bought a used futon while I was away.  Which was bigger then our living room.  I was thinking it didn’t fit.  That bed-bugs had probably been introduced.  And how did she pay for it.  Instead of the relaxation, nap, shower, and meal, I would have to fight with Cool, pack up a futon, clean the apartment (which of course she left a mess) and I might as well unpack Rusty while I was at it.

Not the best.

In the end, the futon got re-sold for a $5 profit, I cleaned the house, and Cool got a meds adjustment, and *knock on wood* has been a lot more stable.

captial-sky

And that’s the end of the moving story!!!  Finally.

September Means Studying–goal accountability

30 Sep

This was completed a little hastily, and over a couple of sessions, so excuse any oversights or errors.  I was also hoping for some free time to write a proper post, but alas–school/work/sleep/cleaning left no time.  Maybe tomorrow?  Or Saturday?

Maintenance Goals (from 2013):

-floss daily.

I messed up a couple of times because I wasn’t home in the evening and it threw off my routine.  Now I floss before work (at 3PM) but feel like it might be counterproductive because I eat a snack later.

-drink water.

I am drinking a minimum of 8 cups per day, but also having caffeine and salt.  So I may be coming out even.  Also, I have a thermos for work, which I chug often (on my frequent breaks) but lose count.  It only holds about 2 cups and after the 2-3rd refill I forget how many times I’ve refilled it.  So I have no idea how much water I’m consuming at work.  Hopefully it’s a lot, b/c at 10PM we do pretty vigorous exercise and I’m dripping sweat and losing lots of fluids.  Maybe I’ll take a pen and do hatch marks when I refill. . .

-read for pleasure.

It’s not happening right now.  Between getting home late, chatting before going to sleep with Cool, and studying–I just haven’t at all.  I have a book project for neuroanatomy though so I’ve got to carve time out somewhere.  This is a week later–that I’m writing an update.  I’ve started reading late and until Cool gets home from work (on the days I don’t) and I finished the book.  It wasn’t very good–but now I’m set for all my assignments.

-weekly massage.

Nope never.  Though Cool has rubbed trigger points in my neck, shoulder, and pectorals before I sleep.  My work requires repetitive motion with my arms and shoulders and the soreness I can handle–waking up multiple times a night with dead arms I can’t.  So she’s been lovely to rub them out though I’m out of commission and can’t return the favor.  Though the pain is less and less as each week passes, with this week Hot&Cold taking care of it entirely.

-abstain from drinking.

Done.  And I said no to a tempting invitation so as not to screw up.

-study habits.

I never feel like I have enough time, and I lose the whole weekend for work and tiredness.  Which stresses me out.  What I do have time for this semester is coming directly home and making figures and flashcards, which has helped my recall so much!

January=fitness.

I have managed to run a mile daily, and I’m moving around a lot at work so exercise is taken care of.  Unfortunately, with the increased activity, my appetite has gone wild and I’m eating more food to compensate.  I have a sugar problem, a nightly sweet tooth, and I love all things carb-related.  BUT my excuse is it’s winter.  Still, I have to manage my portion sizes a little.

Feb=have gratitude; say nice things.

I am thankful for my new job with friendly co-workers and very low stress/expectations, for nicer professors, and that this is my last (graded) semester at Riverpoint.  I do give thanks for those new things (as well as some established things) nightly.  Most of the time.

March=straighten out sleep.

I finally had this, but my new schedule un-did all the progress.  It’s a swing shift job, so I have to work til midnight.  Then I’m supposed to sleep in.  But between my own internal clock, the cats, and my class schedule I have been getting up early then being tired all day.  I think what’s really hurting me is going to bed earlier on the nights I don’t work.  My morning person ways sneak back up on me when I do that, then I become accustomed to waking up too early every day (including those I work and the days after).  And that makes me tired and is a recipe for sickness.  So I made a rule for myself:  I may not go to bed any earlier than midnight on any night (and the cats may not have dinner til 12AM so they sleep in).

April=save $$$.

Yes!  This is happening.  Money went IN to my account just today and it was such a relief to see the numbers getting higher, rather than dwindling!  Even a part-time job is great to have to offset the bills.  The fear that I need to save every penny because I don’t don’t when I’ll get another–is gone.  And thank goodness for that.

May=volunteer.

This is not a thing right now.  Maybe once the semester is complete and my application submitted.  Though I did agree to transcribe some more language samples for my favorite professor.  I think I may get something out of it (hours toward credits) eventually though, so it doesn’t quite count toward any service.

June=Cool.

Things were good, then they were not so great, now they’re good.  Seriously, I cannot stress enough how bipolar and anxiety sets the tone of any relationship.  When Cool is stable, and on the right combinations of meds, and feeling good–things are awesome.  Sometimes, she acts in a way I hate, due to her mental illnesses though, and that’s a real bummer for us.  She is going in for counseling and had a new brain-scan thingy to see exactly where her issues are.  This will help get her on the exact right medications, and resolve some of this troubling, persistent symptoms.

July=my appearance.

I have been trying to fix my hair lately.  I don’t want “bad lesbian hair,” I’m self-conscious about the grays and try to hide them under styles, and it’s been a little windy.  I bought a darker box hair dye to try also.  But I just had a neuroanatomy exam today and turned in a big project, so I didn’t feel like doing anything taxing this afternoon/evening/night.  And that’s something you have to pay full attention to to get good results.  So soon. . .

Aug=Worry Less, Thank more.

I had been really good at saying things I was thankful for every night before going to sleep.  And it helped decrease my worry and uplift my attitude.  But with 2 exams in a row, I’ve been going over material in my head before sleep so I stopped thanking.  But now that I’m the furthest away from the next neuroanatomy exam, I’ll resume.  Because I like it very much.  And I think it’s worth mentioning that even though I lost the weekend to work, and didn’t get to really study.  And Cool was being a majorly distracting turkey, I never had a stress meltdown as I have in the past.  I remained pretty calm this test cycle–and it felt so much better!

Sept=make a list, grocery shop, cook ahead.

Cool has been so good.  She went grocery shopping by herself the last 2 times so I could study for my exams.  That was really nice, and appreciated.  Plus I hate shopping.  But I need to reconfigure my schedule to make time to do this.  And I don’t think the weekend will work b/c of the aforementioned work and post-work fatigue.

Oct=don’t over-pluck.

I think I’ve been doing OK.  TMI:  sometimes I see a stray dark hair where a potential moustache could grow, so I pluck it.  But that turns into a bad decision, because for whatever reason plucking on my face gives way to a breakout.  So you see acne in a moustache line and it’s obvious I’ve plucked at it.  There is not enough to wax/shave and bleaching looks stupid, because then you just have white hairs on your face.  So I guess I’ll leave well enough alone, and hope it doesn’t become an actual stache problem?  As for eyebrows, no problem.  I really had no time to pluck at all, and my face was a mess as a result!

Nov=Increase eye contact.

I forgot this was a thing, but I do come into contact with people now, so I can work on it.

Aug Goal Accountability

28 Aug

Maintenance Goals (from 2013):

-floss daily.  Cemented (at home)

If I never spent the night anywhere else this one is so great.  I could take it off, even.  But it gets spotty when we go anywhere, and Labor Lave 3-day weekend is sure to test it.  I’ll try to get this in on the road.  The dentist might happen after I get my syllabi–now that I have an income.

-drink water. Gerrrr-eat!

I may have said this before, but it’s true–4 is the milestone for this one.  Once a person can fit 4 cups of water into their day,Sutro Pool Party 011 more is easy.  I drink between 8-12 cups daily, and still somehow have room for coffee or tea sometimes.  Getting the first 4 immediately after my run, while I’m taking my vitamins is key here.  I’m currently keeping track of the amount and time I drink compared to the time I have to pee.  This sounds crazy, but nothing is worse then having to pee during class–or having to get up in the middle, walk out, miss notes, use a public restroom, walk back in.  So I’m compiling the stats to know what time I need to have 4C down before class.

-read for pleasure.  OK

I wish I read more, but it seems somethings (lots of things) have to give when you have a goal.  Application, running, school, cleaning, etc. . .  pushed this a little lower on the priority list.  Still, I read every night before sleeping when Cool isn’t home.  And when I am.  It’s slower going then I prefer, but at least it’s happening at all.

-weekly massage. Terrr’ble (I’ve been watching “Parks & Rec”)

It’s difficult to make time now that we’re out of the habit.  By the time I think of it I’m ready to sleep.  The next couple of weeks will be worse because of school starting, Labor Dave weekend, and my NEW job–which is until midnight.  Once I get used to being a night person and we settle into a new schedule we’ll work on it again.

-abstain from drinking.  Awesome

Also very easy. . .  Once all the past associations are broken.  Once you fill that time/occasion with something else I forget how I had time in the first place to drink.  Last frontier:  Labor Dave Weekend concert.  I’ll miss the canned craft beer of tailgating, the thermos cocktails, and I will NOT miss the $8 fleeting krafts of the venue.  Still, I feel like we will get more of our money’s worth seeing the show sober, and will feel so much better at the end of the night and the next morning.  Hopefully the crowds will be tolerable, because of SEATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-study habits.  I have my ON days and OFF days.

Fall finals 123Some days I’m on FIRE with my application and school prep.  Others, I’m tired, unmotivated, or lazy.  I’m glad I don’t have to work daily at 3-4AM, as I think this makes a big difference in the studiousness–I’ll have to remember this during the semester.  My essays are getting to be something real.  I have a notebook full of neuroanatomy drawings and figures.  I’m studying flashcards and feel good about brain lobes, gyri, and sulci–and phonemes obviously.  With 9 days til school starts as of tomorrow (Sat, 8/16) I am serious.  Yet, not so much that I waste my last week of a relatively free summer.  First summer without at least 27 work hours.  It would have been more “free” and relaxing if I didn’t have to get up and clean at the crack of dawn.  Or apply to jobs.  Or do the afore-mentioned work, but good enough.  And probably the last (financially feasible, stress-low $) summer of my life.

January=fitness.  Goood!

Today was 230 days (it’s 8/19) of “minimum of a mile first thing in the morning” days-in-a-row.  I was 1.6 seconds off my mile PR then 0.6 seconds off of it, so I feel like I’m right on the cusp of something.  I have also been hula hooping for my 6-pack.  AND eating salads almost every day for lunch.  Yes, they have about 3 Tbl of dressing on them, but still!  It’s a radical change.

Feb=have gratitude; say nice things.

I don’t know if I’ve said nice things exactly, but there have been times when I kept my mouth SHUT.  So at least there’s so negativity–even when it is very warranted and would feel so good to say.  That’s an improvement.  I’ll have to step up my game when school starts because we all know how the Riverpoint professors love me *sarcasm*

March=straighten out sleep.  So good!

I stopped being so anal, and things are fixed.  My body seems to have settled into a pattern where I get tired around 9PM.  On mornings I have to work, I naturally wake around 3AM and just go, instead of wasting time.  On those days, as long as I’m back in bed before 5:20AM I’m able to nap.  After that, not so much.  On days off, my body wakes around 5:30AM–it likes about 8.5 hours of sleep.  Once school or jobs come into play, this may not stay so great, but I’ll keep trying to just stop worrying and timing it and accommodate what my body wants.

April=save $$$.  Not awesome.

I knew I was going to have to spend some money in August.  Which felt terrible b/c for most of it I didn’t know when I would get paid next.  And being right before a loan disbursement, money was stretched its thinnest.  But you have to have textbooks (believe me, I did not want to buy a 2nd phonetics book), notebooks, paper, and ink to be a student.  So it had to happen.  Now that I have a job on the horizon and a disbursement was mailed today, I feel much better about the scene.

May=volunteer.  Fail.

I prioritized getting applications stuff as far along as I could, working on future school stuff, and cleaning.  I realize I have a finite amount of time before my time is no longer my own, and I felt like I had to choose.  Maybe once I get into a routine during school.  Or on a break.  Or next semester.  There’s still a little time. . .

June=Cool.  Work in progress

Bipolar combined with anxiety is a difficult thing.  It’s no joke and you have to work so much harder at everything.  But we are both making a huge effort and being mindful so hope is back.

July=my appearance.  Gearing Up

I’m really trying to gear up for the first day of school and Labor Dave.  I’ve picked out many cute outfits for those occasions,DMB Sun hair and even practiced a new hair style today.  And I’m getting it trimmed before the week is over.  My face, however, is not cooperating.  Per the usual.  It keeps breaking out.  The horrible bright red, swollen looking monstrosities.  This will not make me happy on big events.  When will puberty be over?!

Aug=Worry Less, Thank more.  Effortful

With jobs, schedules, planning, and summer coming to a close, there’s a lot to get ramped up about.  I’m trying not to.  But it’s taking a lot of deliberate effort.

Sept=make a list, grocery shop, cook ahead.  ugh

Easter 025Do I have to admit this one is a fail?  Again?  I’m lazy.  I plan almost everything else (see my drinking water, peeing time sheet statistics for proof) and this seems just one step too much.  And I’m not sure how to make it less overwhelming.  I got a mini dry white board at the grocery outlet to make and edit quick menus.  We try to shop every Sunday at 8AM when it’s not really busy.  There is always a list in progress on the fridge.  I guess what we need to do is come up with a few staple, easy go-to meals we know how to cook well and fast.  It seems we’re always trying something big, and new, and unknown when we cook.  So it turns into a big thing.  And the time taken and results are uncertain.  So we need to brainstorm, write, and prepare our easiest most successful meals and make those on a weekend.  Then we can just heat them up as needed.  I have a bad feeling this item is going to carry over to a 2015 goal 😦

Oct=don’t over-pluck.  Unintentional

Not by my own doing, I’m doing this.  I just don’t have time/forget to pester at myself, so things are not looking awesome.  I still want to try threading.  Maybe now that I have a job. . .

Nov=Increase eye contact.  Once

My interview went extremely well, and I managed it!

Robbin’ His Family

12 Aug

Of course I loved Robin Williams–I’m human, aren’t I?  Just like everyone else bemoaning his death on Facebook, I grew up watching him.  Through his work, I feel like I know him.  He seemed accessible and friendly and he is one of the great talents of this age.  I grew up with his kid-friendly movies.  I love his HBO special and have watched it about a hundred times.  And I even like his dramatic roles.

I’m torn though.  I have a hard time just writing about his good work.  I can’t bring myself to post a colorance on Facebook, because I’m also angry at his selfishness.  I feel Robin Williams is a coward for committing suicide.  At 63 years old, he should have had a lot of life lift.  It’s senseless.  Especially when he has a family who will bare the brunt of his decision and be left to deal with everything without him.

I realize depression is serious.  Having a bipolar mate, I do not take depression lightly.  At the same time I cannot condone making a permanent decision for a temporary problem.  I wish he would have waited a little longer for the help he needed, meds to kick in, life to calm down–whatever needed to happen.  Because you CAN come out of a depression–you can’t un-do asphyxiation.

But I feel sad for the pain Robin Williams felt, and angry he didn’t feel there was any other recourse.  He was loved by many, and I wish he would have trusted them to step up and help in his time of need.  Alas, I wish his family the best, and hope they are able to adjust to life without him.  He was a great entertainer and his humor will be missed.

July Goal Accountability

31 Jul

Maintenance Goals (from 2013):

-floss daily. A-

I was compelled to do this all the time, and feel really icky if I don’t.  The only problem arose when we were traveling.  It’s pretty hard to fit it in logistically.  But it’s not as if we go places constantly, so this should work out.  I have organized 2 showers over Labor Dave, so I make sure and floss while I’m using the bathroom.  Friday, I’ll probably do it in the morning before we go.

-drink water. A

IF I drink it early in the day, this is easily done.  But if I don’t–it’s very difficult.  And even though I’m trying to get it in, Kidron's post b-day pics 069making the choice between 8 cups and peeing all night is bad-times.  In August I’ll try to drink all 4 after I work out while I’m taking my vitamins.  That should help.

-read for pleasure. B+

I finished my WA poaching book and have started one on the Comstock and Virginia City–which is very interesting so far.  I wish I could have finished more, but I’m doing it every week night that we’re not traveling.

-weekly massage. FFF

It had been NONE.  Because the rubs were terrible.  And short.  So I didn’t even want to bother–especially if I was the only one putting in any effort.  We had a massage afternoon, and the quality was better, I’m relieved to say.  I guess Cool’s meds made her too much of a zombie to rub, but now it’s nice again.  So in August we’ll try to resume at least a weekly basis.

-abstain from drinking. D+ (didn’t, but my head was in the right place)

The German by Laurel 009I don’t want this to sound like I’m making excuses or justifying my actions, because this really wasn’t a “thing.”  When we had initially looked at Missoula, it was because of all the breweries in the area.  But when we actually visited, we were slightly disappointed, but still had a really good time and weren’t really focused on drinking.  Except on Saturday, I saw an amazing pair of Old Gringo boots that looked so stellar on me and that I would kill for!  The price tag was $100 cheaper than I’ve seen them anywhere else.  Needless to say they were still $300, and that’s too much for an unemployed person.  But I wanted them so badly!  And really had to make an extreme effort to stop myself from buying them.  So I made a deal with myself to share 1, small $5 kraft beer in lieu of spending $300 on a beautiful pair of boots.  It was a sort of naughty trade off–but a lot cheaper.  And I asked the waitress to substitute the pint of beer on the menu for something smaller, and did share it.  My portion was 5 oz.  It was good, but not the be-all end all I remembered.  And that’s it til at least January 2nd of 2015, and maybe for good, I don’t know.

-study habits. C-

Well, I have been getting things done, yes.  I read/outlined all my neuroanatomy for the semester, started drawing the figures (and completed 12?), made and even memorized some flashcards for both classes, made progress on my personal statement, almost finished my CV, and have a draft of my scholarly paper.  But I also know I’m not in the right mindset, and I’m able to accomplish even more.  I’m torn between buckling down too early and risking burning out, and finishing a lot of things before fall begins.  In August I’ll work on getting my application as complete as possible (hopefully finished in its entirety) so I don’t have to stress out about it while trying to keep the 4.0 GPA.  I’d at least like everything at the point where I could turn it in if I wanted to, so then I can optionally tinker on it–or have it ready.

January=fitness. A

Today (the 26th) was my 206th day in a row of running at least a mile.  Even with travel this month I managed to get it in.  Montana was difficult because a bear was seen walking about, and I had to do it in the hotel room.  But when we visited Cool’s mom we easily did it up her residential street.  I’m trying to RE-introduce pseudo-hula-hoop back into my routine, because it’s the BEST 6-pack maker and I want to look super-hot for Labor Dave weekend.  It’s going–slowly.  The closer we get to the event, the more I’m buckling down and doing it like I should.

Feb=have gratitude; say nice things. D

Here’s an example of why this one is difficult:  My boss writes to me telling me to take the trash outside after I scoop the litter boxes.  Which I hadn’t been because (as other stories have illustrated) the clinic isn’t in the greatest neighborhood in the off-hours.  And I’m there between 3-6AM when it’s dark and no one else is around.  So I don’t feel super-safe going out behind the clinic to the larger trash bins.  Also, it didn’t really occur to me, because the years I worked as an assistant it was a nightly duty to collect all the trash in the building and take it outside–which I did pretty much the entire tenure of my work.  So it’s not a really big deal, and I could see why she asked me, but she added, “How is your summer of leisure going?”  Not popular.  Even if she thinks I’m a lazy-ass.  She shouldn’t write it.  I’m doing productive things–and my productivity is none of her business anymore.  So it’s very hard to say nice things, be positive, and have gratitude when it’s offensive/coarse.  Fail, and now that I’m going back to Riverpoint with notoriously crabby professors, I’m going to have to work much harder on this one.

March=straighten out sleep. A-

It’s better, so, so much better!  I stopped fighting my natural inclination to wake at 3AM.  This has actually worked out better for me, b/c instead of trying to go back to sleep–or lightly sleeping for an hour.  I just go to work.  Then, I’m back home in the 5AMs when I can still nap.  Even though I go to bed at 9PM, I am not super tired or fatigued!  Though they must think I’m INSANE when they look at my time clock and it says 3AM to 5AM.  Hopefully, my safety never comes into play, as I think this is the one area of the plan that could be troublesome.

April=save $$$. F+ (+ b/c I haven’t lost my motivation/guilt)

I rarely spent money–because there isn’t any I feel comfortable spending.  But I didn’t get a job (despite a few interviews) Gorge Ampitheatre 3and didn’t offer to miss Labor Dave Weekend SEATS to house-sit, missing out on big, easy money.  Which I feel sad missing out on the opportunity, but also feel it’s the right decision.  We got those tickets in February, as a reward for not drinking, and 1 ticket was purchased by my parents for an early birthday gift.  And we look forward to it all year–but still the timing is unfortunate.  And lack of income.  August will be worse, because I HAVE to buy some school supplies and a textbook.  And of course WILL get a Labor Dave outfit–at least one article, and probably definitely merch at the show.  Hopefully, this next interview comes through so I don’t have to worry about my loan money stretching far enough.

May=volunteer. D+ (I did school-related presentations)

interactive hearing anatomy 2Fail.  At least for community.  In regards to voluntary school-related activities I did more than any other student in my program.  But I did nothing at all even to pursue wider community-type service.  And this would be cool.  I may have decided it’s not super-important to me right now though.  I am undecided, but maybe I’ll focus on finding a job, school, tutoring, school-related presentations, my application, and as an extra–observing an audiologist.  It somehow seems like a lot, though I’m unemployed.  I’ll re-evaluate once school resumes.

June=Cool. C-

My focus is on more important matters, so fail–but not.  Because I’m offering support and responsibility.  She’s off the horrible medication, and doesn’t need to go back on unless she swings up or down.  So things are much, much better and she has enough energy to act like a person rather than the zombie she had turned into.  But then she decided to go off her antidepressant as well, and as a result–she has started showing signs of depression.  It’s always something.  Which when managing medications/responsibility/crises/medication/responsibility it gets tough to stick to this goal and have any time or energy left to show affection.  Hopefully this is not always going to be the case because she’s bipolar. . .

July=my appearance. B+

I have been trying to dress cute and look cute, applied makeup, and even dyed my hair–more on that tomorrow.  I still regularly forget to wear jewelry.  I’ll really have to step my game up in August for these big, upcoming events.

Aug=Worry Less, Thank more. C-

OK, but I can do better.  I totally forgot my positivity jar–which I think is an excellent idea.  I’m going to try to remember to notice and write more for it.  And I do say things I’m thankful for immediately before going to sleep–but I’m sleeping a lot better these days, so it doesn’t last nearly as long as before.  I think I get to 2, maybe 4 things before I’m out.  And overall I am so proud of me because I worry substantially less.  And it’s really, super nice.  If I could keep it this way it would be so awesome!

Sept=make a list, grocery shop, cook ahead. F-

Terrible, absolutely horrible.  Failed so bad.  My computer app changed it up and made itself a recipe site with no more menu–which was the point.  I’m thinking maybe a white board would help me scene.  Paper lists are hard because if we get Green Bluff 101tired, run out of an ingredient, the weather is too hot, etc… it’s a pain to change things.  Making it easy as possible to write, then edit the menu as necessary would be best.  I’m great at making a grocery list, but need to get on the menu, weekly shopping, and actual preparing of things.  Total.  Fail.  Have you ever seen 2 people that can go a summer without actually cooking?  I grab whatever I can stuff in my mouth quickly (wheat thins, dried fruit. . .  OK ice cream) and don’t bother.  But it’s bad, and HAS to change!

Oct=don’t over-pluck. C

I still want to try the Indian method.  I still want to try lightening them.  For now I’m unsatisfied, but leaving them alone as much as I can make myself.

Nov=Increase eye contact. F+ (+ for lack of opportunity)

Fail.  Now it’s operation look at service people in the eye, because they are really the only ones I see at all.

Snore-Saurus

11 Jul

For the last two days I’ve been very tired.  Whenever Cool gains a certain amount of weight, there’s nothing that will prevent her from snoring.  She hit that number 2-3 days ago, and I haven’t slept well since.  My tiredness is awful, because it’s enough to be unproductive, but apparently not enough to nap.  I hate that I’m not a good napper!  As such, I tried to find a draft to easily post today, but they were redundant to the ones I’ve over-posted, or need a lot of work.  And I want to do them justice.  So in the interest of posting AND being lazy, here’s a list:

-Somewhere between my 7th and 8th drafts of my personal statement, I’m finally feeling hopeful about it.  The thing isn’t polished enough, but it looks like a paper, instead of a brainstorm.

-My “scholarly paper” is not so lucky.  I think it sucks, feel discouraged and overwhelmed, and despite a lot of time, am motor neuron 3still in the nascent stages.  My SLP-focused program has had me write one group paper on a pathology affecting anatomy, but with a partner, so I can’t use it at all.  Four papers 100 words or less on aural rehab (this needs to be a technical, research paper, 8-12 pages in length).  And one hearing disorder–but I chose a complicated one–Varicella Virus.  It’s Chickenpox-turned measles, turned certain clinical signs including possible deafness, and similar to Bell’s palsy = very complex.  And I’m not confident about the info in the paper, nor on my ability to answer questions about it should it arise in an interview.  That left me to try to modify an aural rehab paper, by adding research–but now it’s just all over that place.  Hate.

-On a brighter note, I also met with a pharmacy doctoral student today to work on my CV.  It’s also coming right along!

-Cool is almost entirely off her slurr-med and it’s wonderful!  I forgot how funny she is and how much fun we were NOT import 6-17-10 117having anymore.  I’m so glad the Cool I knew is back!!!!!!!!!  Now, to find an anti-psychotic that is affordable, doesn’t cause sleepiness/irritability/weight gain = good luck/fat chance.  This partially why bipolars go off their meds.

-It’s been in the 90s outside, but due to my strategic fan placement/door opening it has stayed under 71 inside–without the expense of AC.  Our utilities made it down to $35 again-yay!

-I forgot to say I have a job interview tomorrow.  It’s for a fast food restaurant–one of the very few I will eat at.  But they’re kinda big for their britches throwing around terms like “natural” and “organic” which I find logical arguments against–Arsenic is technically natural.  It’s about marketing.  Also, you have to have a group interview, a 2nd interview, then finally a 3rd 1:1 interview–which is really excessive if you ask me.  For fast.  food. . .  I’m never pushy is new group situations, and they just ask questions in general, not round-robin, so I’m not confident I’ll look great.  And I’m not even certain if I could take the job if I get it because I don’t know if they would be willing to work with my (quickly approaching) school schedule.   But I’m memorizing factoids off their website, and I’ll give it my best shot tomorrow.

-Heat does not take away my veracious appetite as it does many people.  Though I had a literal 1260 calorie breakfast, greekI’m hungry–for ice cream.

-I thought I got a running PR on the mile today, which I only count if I’m on the track (not treadmill).  But it turns out it was my 3rd best time because in 2012 I ran a 7:39.  But it was funny, because I write all my 400m splits–and get this:  My splits for laps 2, 3, and 4 were identical to 2012 record-mile’s laps 2, 3, and 4!  If I can shave seconds off that first lap–I’ll beat my best time.  I’m feeling good for Sunday!

-Yellow is my power color.  And it chose me, not the other way around.  I now need some yellow tanks, yellow sneaks, and ideally, a yellow running skirt.  I was going to write I’d settle for one, but tried to write an item and couldn’t decide which I wanted most.  So I guess I won’t settle.

-We fell in love with (summer) Missoula.  But we’d never move there A] because we’re going to Colorado–obviously.  B] cumulous clouds11 month, harsh winters are UNcool.  C]  There are no jobs.  The jobs that are there are service-oriented.  D] My parents claim there’s a lot of rape there (jurys still out).

-I found perfect Old Gringo cowgirl embellished boots, that fit, and looked amazing.  I did not buy said boots, because even though they were $100 UNDER the lowest website price I’d ever encountered–they were $300, and I’m unemployed.  I love my schedule and the ability to have TIME as an unemployed person.  Having no income is terrifying, and I can never buy anything (at all, ever) on a whim.  But I haven’t ever been bored (I’ve actually been quite productive) and I don’t feel like a loser (because I’m getting so much accomplished).

-I have to decide if I’m going to have that ice cream and get ready for bed.  I have to clean work tomorrow and prepare/stress about my interview.