Tag Archives: bitch

2016 in Review: The Bad–and there was plenty

2 Jan

what a shit-show

Lots of bad stuff happened all year.  Cool’s mom died which caused a cascade of bad reactions and terrible events.  Cool’s bipolar was off the heezy, up and down and up and further up–making life complex and terrible.  My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo surgery and radiation.  My dad was diagnosed with early Parkinson’s Disease.  Those events aren’t in my countdown, because even though they sucked–they aren’t MY events to claim.  But they did negatively affect me.

 

Here’s how 2016 started:  I had to work on New Year’s Eve 2015.  Of course either everyone else either planned ahead and took the day off, or called out sick.  But I was still in my first 90 days, so I wasn’t yet eligible for any time off.  So it was me and my supervisor for half of it.  Till she coerced another co-worker to come in by reminding him that he wouldn’t get paid for the holiday if he didn’t show up to the shift immediately proceeding it.  This was typical stuff for my work history–I was used to Noh’s Ark 20s-something shenanigans.  While I was at work, Cool was getting her drink on.  Mind you, we had been abstinent for 2 whole years.  And we had not discussed adding alcohol back into our lives–she just grabbed it impulsively.  And drank it.  Even though she was home alone.  Long story short, by the time I rushed home from work for the countdown, Cool had already over-done it, was tired, then went to puke.  And she vomited, not down in the toilet, but from above–so it got everywhere!  It was the bad omen that started 2016.

vomit

The year went on like that–one thing after another.  I spent a lot of time writing my music blog.  I spent a ton of time editing pictures, writing descriptions, and putting in order–my good moments of 2016.  These moments sucked.  I’m tired of thinking about them-tired of dwelling on them.  I’ll quick-write these and be done.  I’m worn down from 2016, and hoping for a very tranquil 2017.

 

 

 

 

Bottom Moments:

9-I got a flu.  For the first time I can remember–aside from childhood sicknesses.  My fever lasted 5 days!  I was miserable.  I lost a week of unpacking and errands.

8-I got the impossible raise by negotiating.  This one hurts because it should have been such a GOOD moment.  But then my boss ruined my moment by being an ass.  He doesn’t like me and makes no bones about it.  He wished his favorite employees had earned the big raise instead, and resented the fact my pay is so high now.  He said, “You got lucky.”  Ummm, nice.  What a douche!  Also, Cool ruined my celebration by picking a fight–one of our biggest fights ever.  Not awesome.

7-The moving process, because it is always a headache.  We had to hire movers because the washer/dryer unit weighs 240 pounds.  Nothing is simple when you are moving from a basement to a third floor unit 35 minutes away.  Cool works days and I work nights so we had to work alone.  And then, I hated the stupid, non-functional layout of the new apartment, and not being able to unpack.  What a money-pit.

6-Our cute neighborhood with so much potential suddenly went downhill.  It went from quiet with tons of potential to ghetto and dangerous in about three weeks.  A homeless family made camp in our apartment’s parking lot.  People started walked by, peering into our living room window, casing the joint.  The police started showing up to various units routinely (see blog).  Starting to feel unsafe walking from my car to the apartment when I got home in the early morning hours felt awful.  Knowing the owner didn’t care about our safety and wellbeing, and wasn’t going to do anything to improve the situation was frustrating.  And learning that no one else could help us, because it was private property felt hopeless.

5-Cool got in a 6x roll-over accident and totaled her car.  But she lived.  It’s a miracle.  Except it happened 1 week before we moved!  The timing for it was the worst.  And I had to call out sick twice as a result of the crash, possible head injury, then her anxiety about it.  And now, I have to do all the shopping, all the errands, and take her to the pharmacy and anywhere else she needs to go.

4-working with effing lazy people every day.  Doing way more then my share of the work–every day.  Seeing my lazy co-workers be–lazy.  Resentment.  Getting held hostage by slowness of coworkers despite doing all the work.  Going home late in every scenario.  Being tired all the time.  Starting the next shift tired, and doing all the work (tired) again, in the hopes of leaving earlier and getting more sleep.  Failing at this night after night.  Really got me down.

3-Working with Catty.  I started dreading work every Monday.  I didn’t want to talk at work.  I didn’t want to stand up at any time, lest be judged by her.  I didn’t want to turn my head.  I felt self-conscious.  We had to trade recs and it was horrible.  She was a bitch and made me feel small and edgy.  She was my boss’ friend.  She had been there much longer and knew everyone.  She hated me.

2-Cool ambushed me.  And I found out she had gone “Mean Girls” against me for quite some time.  I broke up with her and kicked her out of the apartment.  Then, I had to work with the bitch (the afore-mentioned Catty) who initiated the whole thing–every Monday.  Sitting immediately sitting next to her, and having to trade requisitions to verify stressed me out!  Cool was ridiculous, and everything was tumultuous.  Suddenly, I felt very alone in Utah–in the world.  I was furious, and knew she was being THE WORST, yet my heart hurt.

1-window harassment (because the fear lasted longer then Cool’s ambush).  When someone started harassing us by knocking on our bedroom window several times, it was time to go.  I lay awake at night listening, anticipating with dread someone coming back, and breaking in.  I heard sounds, saw lights.  I had to plan what to do if someone got in when we weren’t home.  When we were sleeping.  While I was alone.  When Cool was home alone.  We had so much dread.  It was awful.  And in a horrible year of a lot of big, awful events–it was the worst.  By just a little bit.

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Focus UP!

27 Oct

I didn’t even want to write about this, because doing so gives it my energy, gives the problem some legitamacy, and lends credance to the issue.  My plan:  Write it down, get it out, move on.  This doctor at work, now speaks to me with the $hittiest inflection.  Very hostile and condescending and critical.  Yesterday, she cut me off mid-sentence, in essence telling me to shut the fu(k up.  I was so taken aback that an adult–a professional, no less–would conduct herself in such a manner, that I did not stand up for myself. . .

two-headed-snake

And I know she is just holding a grudge because I was super-stressed to work on her days, and my schedule (after 3 years) was finally changed.  A compromise was establishlished–I still work a portion of that day, and with that doctor-it’s just less.  But she liked my work (not necessarily me or my personality) on that day and is treating me with overt hostility as punishment.

And I know this is HER problem.  It has very little to do with me and the best thing to do is ignore it, let it roll off my back, continue working hard (like always) during my new schedule–without guilt or stress.  And I tell myself that I have dealt with MUCH worse–scapegoating by Mary once I knew too many of her secrets and hello, I was a cheerleader.  I’ve had waaay more severe bitchiness directed at me before.  And no good will come from showing any sort of reaction–whether it be an assertive comment that the treatment is inappropriate and won’t be tolerated, a phony “joke” alerting her that I realize this intentional behavior is going on and I don’t like it, or some sort of dirct confrontation *shudder*

But it’s hard.  The unfairness stays in the back of my mind.  I know I need to be the bigger person and ignore it.  I also know I could employ some sort of uncharacteristic obvious vulnerability so she can SEE I have feelings.  Cool says I come off “tough”–for lack of better word.  I seem resilaiant so people assume I can handle any amount of their BS and be fine.  I may have a hard exterior, but I’m quite soft and sensitive inside.  I practiced pouting yesterday, and it was very unnatural and humerous, indeed.  I could also be totally phony and upbeat despite the negativity from her, and make my life easier for myself.

deer 3

The main things to remember:

-it’s her deal–I don’t want to play into this or be THAT person.

-this doesn’t matter to my big goals

-I do not frequently see her

-I am out of HERE in 1.5 years tops.  Hopefully, a little sooner.

-thinking about this at all pulls my mind from what’s important–this week:  Hard test, house-sitting, “easier” class’ most difficult unit exam.  Winterizing.

That’s all the attention I’m giving this problem.  That’s all the energy she will take from me.

  • Focus (mylifeinmlm.wordpress.com)
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Grad School App Checklist 10/13

4 Oct

I love the hours of my new schedule!  Not so much how everyone at work treats me because of it–but *read this* I do not care about their $hitty attitudes or their horribleness towards me.  I am not at work to make friends or have social hour.  Be cool all you want.  I got a chilly go home from the doctor really early today.  I think it was meant in a mean, stigmatizing way–but boy was I happy to be able to study in my jammies!  I wish I didn’t have to go to work at all on Friday.  Also, because I didn’t have to work all day, I actually got to go to my department’s session on how to apply to grad school.  My school always puts things on Fridays–so I’ve missed them for the last 2 years because of work.  Here are some of the things I want to remember:

-What to look for in a program:

**research interests of faculty

**clin praticum opportunities

**size of cohort/class

**lifestyle of location

===costs/scholarships!

-Visit prospective school

**an official visit, w/meeting of department

**meet faculty

**official tour

**talk to students in program to see how they like it

-make myself a notebook of each university I am applying to

–include criteria

–write due dates

–what info to send

–how much in fees

-3 letters of reccommendation

–from faculty

***it’s OK to req these via e-mail

***it is also OK to req a meeting w/that person–to get to know me FOR the letter writing

***give them:

++++CV/resume

=====GPA–whichever is used, just specify how I arrived at that #

=====work experiences

=====honors

=====volunteer/clin experiences

***put this info in a notebook w/table of contents to make it EZest possible for them to find info & write

***also make a checklist of what universities, what format, & dates of when these are due

***for things that I want them to be sure to mention–put a * or highlight or something

–letters from outsiders not weighted highly at all = don’t bother

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Trying to be Perfect

25 Sep

I’m putting a huge amount of pressure on myself.  For school, since I effed up and skipped an entire multi-part question of the exam (that I totally knew, and probably would have gotten full points for!), largely due to pre-test shenanigans, I feel like I have to buckle-down extra hard.  I’m studying at 4 AM, after work and before class, and after class until 8 PM–only taking breaks to eat, work, and sleep.  But the pressure doesn’t end there.  I’m normally a fairly effective employee at work–but I’m trying to take it to an even higher level since my schedule changed.

BECAUSE all my co-workers and the doctor(s?) hate it, and hate me as a result.  So I’m trying to do the work of multiple people in order to prove to everyone that a)  I’m not a lazy $hit-head b)  the new system is helpful & worthwhile and c)  I should get to keep this new schedule–please let me keep it!

I so badly want to remain on the schedule that I’m pushing myself to get to work by 5:30 AM so I can prep charts for the receptionist, do all the cleaning, finish all the laundry, re-stock all drawers, PLUS at least one big cleaning/organization job, tend to the house-cats and plants, take vitals and medicate and clean all hospitalized patients, type up all the hospitalize notes for the doctors, set up the I-131 room for the week, and set up for surgeries and drop-offs and to-go-homes for that current day.  I aim to get this done before anyone else comes in 7-7:30 AM.  It’s a lot of stuff in a short amount of time.  And I’m rushing to do it–I want everyone to walk in and see EVERYthing is already done for them, so I’m really killing myself to do it.  Mostly so I can keep this schedule.  I’m almost sure that everyone will vote that the change doesn’t work and revert me to my old, horribly stressful schedule.

Except, as you know (and I know) perfection is impossible.  I’m running myself a little ragged, and I’m not sure anyone even notices all the cleaning and prep work I’m accomplishing, and–I get pretty tired early on and don’t get to leave til 10 AM.  Of course today, I ran into trouble over it–which was bound to happen sooner or later.  I was working on a task, and before I was finished the doctor hustled over to check my critical patient.  What she was doing was important, and my mind wandered to that–derailing me.  Stupidly, I dropped the task and waited for her to evaluate the cat so I could resume.  I guess my tiredness, forgetfulness, and general stress about doing EVERYthing got to me, and as she was there for quite awhile–I forgot to finish my task.  I wandered off to finish something a co-worker had started, which ironically, annoyed me a great deal.  Why can’t people finish what they start?!

So of course, this unfinished task of mine was ultra-important and could have had dire consequences.  Someone else caught it, luckily.  I felt terrible and ashamed.  It’s not like I tried to forget or didn’t think anything would come of it–I’m just so worried about doing everything and being perfect that I made a big mistake.  So I felt sad it had happened, stressed about the mentality that had lead up to it, and super-frustrated that instead of looking like an awesome worker deserving of my new post as I had intended, I looked like the worst, most untrustworthy loser ever.  What made it worse was that I got lectured in front of coworkers (of course, and per the usual) which totally sucked.  Add on that I was stigmatized and embarrassed.

Moral of the story–Though I’m trying to do more work than one person can do alone, I need to remember the patients come FIRST.  Everything else takes a back-seat to the kitties.  But I also hope everyone’s anger at my schedule change blows over quickly so I can just work at my normal-fast speed instead of hyper-fast crazy-early speed.

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Exam [continuation of multi-part story]

20 Sep

We just left my crazy morning frenzy.

I had to work in the morning, then my boss let me borrow her own watch for my exam–thank goodness.  And I felt extremely tired, but not nodding off or anything like that.  My professor had told us she really liked numbers.  That we ought to know all these statistics and incidence percentages and ratios and decimals she was giving us:  3-5% of at risk babies with HL; 3:1,000 well babies w/HL; 5.7 in 1000 of all babies with HL; 35% of those 65 yrs and up w/HL; 16-19 million working adults age 20-64 w/HL; etc, etc. etc. . .  She even took the (ample) time in class to have us scratch out the numbers printed on the power-point to give us the most recent data based on the newest census.  So I studied them–under protest because I think you can always look up the most current data online–no need to memorize irrelevant things.  But I did–and that still wasn’t asked on the test >-[  I wrote it in where ever I could so all that studying didn’t go to waste.

And when all was said and done, after my terrible weekend of non-studying, interrupted sleep, and awful morning–I got 103/108 on the thing.  I actually wonder what I missed–I felt like I aced it.  If intertragal notch is intra or something I could have messed that up.  Or I tend to make stupid errors–maybe my fatigue contributed to a skipped question or something. . .  I’ll have to look on Monday.

Did that seem a little anti-climactic after a 3-part intro?  Maybe it was.  I’m sorry, I’m a little tired.

You see, my problem day (everyone else’s that is) of my new schedule was today.  I was supposed to set them up for the morning and leave at 10 AM.  And I wanted everyone to see how valuable that is–even though they’re all mad about it now.  I didn’t want to leave anything undone for anyone to gripe about–and especially so my schedule doesn’t revert “because it doesn’t work.”  So it was of the utmost importance that I get to work early, clean, prep files and cages, take and type in the vitals, do the house cats–everything so that when everyone else came in all they had to do was the stuff coming in on Friday’s schedule.

Except my plan was derailed in a major way when work texted and said the power would be turned off from 5-7 AM.  That’s my go-time!  I would never get everything accomplished if I couldn’t start until 7. . .  What ever was I going to do???  I stressed out, tossed and turned, worried.  Do I go in late and not get anything done and give everyone more reason to be mad and complain about the schedule change?  Finally, I decided I would go in at the early time anyway.  I would do all the stuff. . .  By flashlight.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I got to work at 5:30 AM and cleaned the floors and both bathrooms, cleaned upstairs and medicated the house cats, took vitals on the hospitalized buddy and medicated and cleaned his kennel, restocked and watered–by flashlight and in the dark.  No one can say I’m a lazy slacker who doesn’t care enough about work, making the business suffer. . .  So needless to say it’s 7:24 PM and I’m going to bed.

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Exam-Sham [Prelude]

17 Sep

Today I am back on track.  I woke up early, studied like I should, worked productively, ran at the track (it hurrt after 13 missed track-runs!), made study sheets, walked to class while studying flashcards, rewrote my notes, and read/outlined.   A perfect motivation day–not without much struggle to actually DO the things.  I’m not gonna lie–it was hard to buckle down, and I wanted to cheat several times–and almost did when time to run was facing me.  But I pulled through–as I will do for the rest of the semester.  But back to my shenanigans.

I’m having to read and outline 4 textbook chapters in one afternoon/night for next week’s impending exam in my more difficult course.  The syllabus has no dates for exams or assignments, but it does include the reading.  Except there’s an optional book on reserve on the library to confuse the issue.  I had read/outlined chap 1,2,3,4,9,11 and thought that was certainly all that was required in the first month of school.  I found out chapters 5,6,7,8 are also supposed to be read in that time.  That’s more than 451 pages of 12 font textbook type to wade through in 4 weeks!  More then 16 pages/week.  I think that’s right–I may be off since I just spent 3 straight hours reading and outlining hunt-&-peck style. . .  It seems a little insane, but I’m just glad I’m finding out why I’ve grown increasingly confused and frustrated during lecture.  This was due to a weirdly written syllabus and my own inability to read it–not irresponsibility–that’s coming up.

Anyway, here’s what contributed to this snafuu I’m in:

My first exam in my hearing anatomy class was Monday–worst day possible for a test since I have to work, go to school, then back to work.  And instead of studying like I feel comfortable with, everything was a lot.  Less.  I felt/feel guilty because that’s not the mentality I want-or the actions I would like to take.  I’m not an all-talk phony, I do really want that 4.0.  This was all very contrary to my overall goals.  That is not to say I didn’t study.  Don’t get me wrong–I always make flashcards directly after class and I study them at least daily, if not more.  And I had also drawn many figures for both a graded project and my personal study use.  And Cool quizzed me several times over the 4 days I took for the weekend.  It just wasn’t as much un-inturrupted, individual study as normally makes me feel confident.

And the short version (because I’m fatigued at staring at this screen and need to go to bed early in order to wake up at 4AM and study) of why my studying was neglectful–in list form:

BROOKE

–>Work:

stress, stress, stress!  Gossip, drama, confrontations.  More.  Stress.  Possible schedule change.

pug x 3

–>house-sitting:

Satellite TV, free wine and beer, and many animals wanting attention and care.  Add in a commute that shaves off 30 min of study time each direction.

state-fair-goats-1180213-blog

–>Fair:

Tickets that had to be used so that money wouldn’t go to waste.  Last weekend meant it was go or lose the (pre-paid) price of admission.

Tomorrow:  I’ll write about my pre-exam night of rest.

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It Doesn’t Matter

24 Jul

File Under:  Trying to convince myself.

Purple = written today.  You know, this draft is super-old.  Maybe a year has passed (past?  Who cares?) since I wrote it.  I wasn’t going to post it since it’s so hostile and I don’t want ME in my blog portrayed as only mean and hateful.  It’s only a piece of my puzzle.  But there’s still a good lesson for myself w/in this post.  Even though my current work issues are different (some are still the same) I have to remember this should not preoccupy my mind.  This work stuff does not matter to my long-term.  It’s no longer related to my ultimate (and biggest) goal.  I don’t know why I continue to be influenced negatively by it, and why I let myself worry and fret and be annoyed with it.  I just have to think about the important things.  

My mind keeps wandering to my job while I’m trying to study:  How bitchy some people are, how passive-aggressives are annoying, the way people hate any change, how unfair it is that reception tasks keep getting put onto the (already busy, sometimes overwhelmed) techs even though both receptionists seem to have time to text now, which I never would.  Even if I wanted to.  On and on.

And I just need to keep in mind.  This does not matter to my life.  Even when things are tedious, annoying, or don’t make sense to me–what should I care?  So you don’t want storage cubes to keep all patient info up front and together–even though it really should not inconvenience you in any way.  What do I care?  So a client doesn’t get their drugs–not my problem.  So one doctor tells me to have just 1 tech in the I131 room a week to limit exposure (and the number of people having to run bioassays on busy Monday) then the other doctor says “Just so you know, that doesn’t matter.”  Well, it’s not my deal.  I shouldn’t give a fu(k.  Whatever.

I’m writing this to get all work drama out of my head, because this is a temporary stint, and does not really matter to my life.  I just need to go to work, do my job the best I can (like I always try to do anyway), and forget about the rest.  I should not care.  It is not pertinent to me.  Fair or not.  Annoying (as hell) or not.  Just get the hours, don’t kill anything.  The end.

And it’s still true.  And I still haven’t accomplished this.  I am trying to be better.

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