Rectifying Sexuality and Religion

I was inspired by this interesting research dissertation to write my own little history like the ones summarized in this paper:

Click to access levy_denise_l_200808_phd.pdf

Kit10phish is a 39yo lesbian. As a child she seldom attended church, but went 2-3 times with her parents to unknown (to her) denominations as well as the only local church, a Baptist institution. She went 2-3 times to the LDS church with a friend as a condition of Saturday sleepovers, and was amazed that none of the origin stories were similar to what she had been taught previously. In formal church Kit10phish was never present for any sermons regarding homosexuality. Despite lack of physical attendance at church, partially due to the rural setting, Kit10phish’s parents conveyed the family was Christian and passed along Bible stories, songs, and lessons of religion. Her parents, believed homosexuality was unnatural and believed in the “hate the sin, love the sinner” rhetoric. When Ellen Degeneres came out Kit10phish was no longer able to watch that sitcom, because her parents found it too “in your face” and were disgusted. Kit10phish knew at that point being gay was frowned upon and something to stay far away from.

Kit10phish did not have very much representation of LGBT people, real or in media in the 90s and early 2000s, so she never knew it was an option. She wasn’t very interested in the boys at school, believing they were the wrong type of boy, and that she was just a late bloomer. Through her job, Kit10phish met lesbians and started questioning her own feelings. Kit10phish came out to herself one month before her 19th birthday, but it was upsetting, not freeing. She was depressed and angry about being gay, sad that life would be more difficult and she would have to forgo the milestones that she/everyone expected. There was a lot of fear and anxiety and Kit10phish knew she had to hide it from her parents, school friends, and her small community.

Kit10phish moved, in part, to go somewhere more accepting. She was out to dorm-mates and coworkers, but not her (conservative) classmates in college. After 5 years Kit10phish came out to her parents. They immediately asked if she had AIDS (they believed AIDS was a punishment for homosexuality) and if her sexuality was their fault. Her dad’s memories of being (same sex) sexually abused in the Navy came up and he was diagnosed with PTSD. Kit10phish wasn’t ready to discuss, let alone educate her parents about homosexuality, but it just so happened her dad’s childhood best friend from the same small town, was gay and happily married to a man. Kit10phish’s parents could ask all their questions to this gay couple, and glean some empathy and understanding of queer life. They found acceptance after a decade or so.

The split between innate sexuality and institutionalized religious homophobia was difficult for Kit10phish to navigate. The words of the Bible seemed insurmountably damning, yet Kit10phish knew her lesbianism was from God as it was a fixed, and unchangeable aspect of her. Feminist teachings actually helped her the most in rectifying the conflict between sexuality and religion. History and the artifacts saved and passed down are from the most powerful voices (wealthy, white, cis, males) and words of minorities are not esteemed, saved, passed down in the same way. Thus, the portions of the Bible that survived and were translated (from white men’s perspectives) are the words that made the cut. Kit10phish came to see the power and capitalistic business structures of the institution as separate from the loving teachings of religion. Kit10phish sees “faith” as a sales tactic and does not condone violence for religious supremecy. She considers herself agnostic, and thinks humans aren’t meant to know, but is open to concrete evidence of all religions and spiritualities.

An aside:

Kit10phish is still cagey about who she comes out to, and even now sometimes struggles with internalized homophobia. Though she stopped actively closeting and hiding who she was at 23 years old, she never felt any pride in lesbianism–it was an impediment to overcome. It wasn’t until literally 20 years after coming out to herself that she was actually happy about not being trapped in a heteronormative box. Before she was sad a wedding would be “weird” and “untraditional” with two women so she couldn’t have a “real” wedding. Now she regards marriage as an antiquated tradition rooted in power and ownership and rejects the sentiment behind nearly all the traditions. Not to mention the predatorily capitalistic “wedding industry” with it’s focus on spending instead of love. Instead of lamenting the lost straight milestones, Kit10phish was eventually glad about not being pressured to marry a man before 25, have children before 30, and live such a prescribed life. She is free to make her own choices on her own timeline.

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Lover ~ You Need to Calm Down

I split the songs up on the Lover album as well so we can delve into each one a bit more.

You Need To Calm Down

You are somebody that we don’t know/But you’re coming at my friends like a missile/Why are you mad?/When you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD)/Sunshine on the street at the parade/But you would rather be in the dark ages/Making that sign, must’ve taken all night/You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace/And control your urges to scream about all the people you hate/’Cause shade never made anybody less gay so/You need to calm down/You’re being too loud/And I’m just like…/…You need to just stop/Like, can you just not step on his gown?/You need to calm down

https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-scholarly-research-say-about-the-effects-of-discrimination-on-the-health-of-lgbt-people/

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Lover ~ The Archer (Part 3- Appeal to Fans)

I split the songs up on the Lover album as well so we can delve into each one a bit more.

And to make it even more confusing I tried to examine The Archer by the audience Taylor is addressing in the lyrics. She talks to:

1) Her internal self

2) the media and general public

3) her fans.

The Archer

To the fans

I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you/Easy they come, easy they go…/…Help me hold onto you…/…Dark side, I search for your dark side…/…Help me hold onto you…/…Can you see right through me?/…Help me hold onto you…/…Who could stay?/Who could stay?/Who could stay?/You could stay/You could stay/You

***Trigger Warning***

Incidence of: family rejection, suicide, mental illness, addiction, sexual abuse

Religious Involvement Correlates to Rejection of Homosexuality:

from most rejection to least:

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Dance is Uninhibited Associations [Part Q]

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question…

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

If I could dance with you again

This is a regretful thought after the fact. Taylor and her lover have stopped dancing.  It’s the literal dancing of Kissgate, but “Dance” is also being unbothered and happy-go-lucky in her queerness. It’s a state Taylor enters only with this specific person per Holy Ground (Question…  [Part 17]).  In other songs, Taylor uses the word, “dance” to show intimacy between two people.  In Dancing with our Hands Tied, Taylor is telling her ex-girlfriend what she would do if they could resume dancing.

Taylor knows she left her lover hanging, and it’s her fault both of them are depressed.  Even though this is the central person in Taylor’s life she never acknowledges them publicly.  Taylor uses “universe” in other songs to show how far away she seems to the lover. 

Fear causes Taylor’s priorities to be misaligned.  Her lover feels neglected, lonely, awkward, forgotten, and depressed when Taylor does her celebrity thing (and the closeting that goes with it).  Taylor’s closeting relegated her lover to the background.  Since that is her gay-panic default behavior, the lovers aren’t surprised, but it ruins the relationships nonetheless.  

Taylor can’t let go of her soulmate–she’s a hostage to her feelings.  Despite her anxiety about gay-stigma, she does love this woman. But Taylor is torn:  Her back is against the wall in regards to maintaining her public image–she must beard to be seen as straight and make money.  Taylor never makes her secret sapphic love her centerfold, thus her lover is a flight risk. 

Even with the threat of losing her beloved, it always comes back to Taylor’s career (Question…  [Part 9]).  The shades of gray surrounding Taylor speak to a situation so complex it has to be deciphered with nuance (Question… [Part 13]).  Taylor had confusion, indecision, and doubt, letting her fear drive her actions.  She fears for her image and how being LGBT might jeopardize business, so Taylor pushes her lover away, despite wanting to hold onto her.  It puts their relationship in this gray area too.

And she loses these relationships to internalized homophobia and the closet time and time again (Question…  [Part 10]).  During the break-ups Taylor is emotionally raw.  She oscillates between sadness, reminiscing, empathy, and anger.  Drinking and getting drunk mark Taylor’s journey of grief after the split (Question… [Part 11]).  Without her lover, Taylor is in the gray of sadness, loneliness, and isolation (Question…  [Part 13]). 

That’s why Taylor is thinking about what she would have done if she could do the whole thing again.

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Drowning in Straight PR is a Comfort to Taylor Swift [Part O]

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question…

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

I’d hold you as the water rushes in

Taylor is describing that in her re-do of this kissing in public event, she would hold her lover even with her team commencing operation straight-wash.  The water rushing in (PR and a return to closeting) is putting out the fire (being outed as gay).  Instead of feeling relieved with the re-closeting, Taylor wishes she would have prioritized her lover and embraced their relationship.  

Part of Taylor wants to choose authentic love, and the woman. She started fighting for her love, arguing with her team about downplaying the event that outed her.  “The water [PR damage control] filled my lungs [was big and overwhelming] I screamed so loud [protested against going back into the closet], But no one heard a thing.”  Nobody listened to Taylor and she submitted, “Hung my head as I lost the war.” The war is Taylor’s conflict with her team–she [briefly] wanted to be honest and authentic about the event, but they thought it would be bad for the brand.  

But it is also the conflict within herself.  As the face of the TS brand, Taylor has a lot of power over her image. It’s ultimately her that is conflicted, thus weak at pushing back against her team. Clean describes Taylor’s struggle: “There was nothing left to do…When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room.”  As much as Taylor wants to come out and be free to love her soulmate, her fears of losing everything are stronger.  Remembering how the butterflies crumble to dust and Taylor is unhappy and alone, she had momentary bravery and pushed back against her team’s damage control.  But her fear took over, and in the end she helped the cover-up, “So I punched a hole in the roof, Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.”   Being open with her sexuality is frightening, unknown territory to Taylor–like the depths that she dreaded and hated in Marjory.  

“And the sky turned black like a perfect storm” shows that hiding won out after the actual event. Taylor’s team jumped in and shut down the gossip, as they’ve done every time Taylor is caught being too gay with a woman (Emily suddenly quit under unusual circumstances, Liz was fired, Dianna’s blog, tattoo, and presence were erased, and Kaylor boarded up the windows, going private).  Taylor’s team literally paid people to withhold quality videos and good pictures of Kissgate from public view.  Taylor transitioned safely back into her comfort zone–the closet. 

Water rushing in is describing the same emotions as the song Clean.  This fire (getting nearly outed) threatened to consume Taylor and everything around her.  Then “Rain came pouring down” and the fire and smoke were being quelled.  “When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe” is saying when Taylor was surrounded by PR, it was a relief.  At least Taylor isn’t anxious about the unknown when she’s cloaked in secrecy within the closet.  She knows what to expect, and feels protected by the familiarity.  Her ruminations were momentarily gone.

Taylor’s team arranged it so the gay event never happened.  “And by morning/Gone was any trace of you”  The internet and the relationship were scrubbed.  “I think I am finally clean’ is the image-rehabilitation that pushed her back into the closet and shut-down her addiction to women’s touch.  The isolation and depression engulf her in gray and Taylor is regretful about her circumstances, but doesn’t see a way to change them (Question…  [Part 13]).

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Avalanche of Chemistry [Part K]

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question…

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

Oh, through an avalanche?

An avalanche is a sudden onslaught/deluge of an overwhelming amount of snow sliding down a mountain.  Once the motion stops, the snow settles like concrete, suffocating anything underneath. An avalanche is extremely destructive, often leveling an entire slab of ecosystem and leaving no survivors.  

The use of “avalanche” to describe dancing with a woman in public demonstrates the authenticity of Taylor’s alarm.  She wants to be regarded as the ‘good girl’ and remain a famous pop-star.  She is distressed that her sexuality will leave an empty slab, leveling her career and suffocating her and everyone around her.  Taylor can’t let herself go rogue, and come out of the closet for fear of losing everything.  

She dances around it, and tells white lies to protect herself from this abominable outcome.  But as will be the case throughout her love life, the deceit along with overthinking and assumptions crush every relationship.  The avalanche didn’t raze her career, it pulverized Taylor’s sapphic relationships instead (Question… [Part 4]).

And say, say that we got it

This lover came into Taylor’s life and offered emotional and physical love, gaining Taylor’s trust.  There was mutual devotion for every part of the other–in private.  All Taylor’s sadness was rectified and regaled to the background by the intense romance these two shared.  The stars around scars in Cardigan symbolize positivity, warmth, and love.  The scars are still there, but those positive feelings were able to supersede the pain (Question…  [Part 15]).  It’s not just Taylor and her lover that notice their compatibility.  Their love is palpable, noticeable by most.  Their friends, the media, and YouTube viewers can see their undeniable chemistry.

But as time goes on, the predicaments outnumber the happy times.  The crescent moon in Ivy shows the passage of time through the changing phases of the moon.  Though there are accumulating detriments to this sapphic relationship, neither woman is ready to break-up. Taylor still loves her girlfriend despite all the “fights and flaws.”  And in Peace, Karlie doubles down on her love and level of commitment.  Karlie says she will warm Taylor’s heart to cast off Taylor’s waves of depression.  The love Karlie feels for Taylor is not for show, and even though Kaylor has many, many dilemmas, Karlie would sit in the trenches with Taylor, give her a child and she would even die for Taylor.  But time has passed and the affair has to adapt.   The moon phases and seasons passing in that song shows the end of this romance is imminent (Question…  [Part 15]).

Dancing with our Hands Tied- Awakening & Touching [Part E]

Logistical Info:

Remember we’re looking at words in the lyrics of Question… to try to decipher who and what and when.

We’ve almost gone through the entire song, pulling lyrics containing the same words to get a sort of consensus or feeling about Taylor’s intention.

Now that we’re toward the end of Question… lyrics, we need to address the central part of the song: Kiss in a crowded room. And the kiss really brings to mind Dancing with our Hands Tied and maybe Kissgate.

We will analyze Dancing with our Hands Tied to see if it parallels Question….

Except this particular line within Dancing with our Hands Tied got a bit long because I really don’t know for sure and there was no solid direction to take the analysis. I will go into it in detail in this post so the guesses don’t overwhelm the analysis of the song as a whole.

And I’ll spell out my conclusions from this post in the full analysis of Dancing with our Hands Tied. But that post was getting very long and I was afraid nobody would read it. So to make things even more confusing each line in DWOHT is going to be its OWN post. But then I’ll do a main DWOHT post with just links to each different post. It’s a whole big thing.

Then we’ll get back to the end of Question…

Was that explanation as confusing as trying to guess who Taylor’s songs are about?

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Taylor’s realization that she is queer, has always infused anxiety into her.  Even way back in her catalog she had an inkling she felt differently, and she immediately tried to hide it.  The behavior is part of her standard protocol at this point.  Throughout her life Taylor’s fear of her sexuality caused her to hide, panic, scheme, and the result was loss and loneliness. Forcing sexuality into dormancy is distressing.  The torture of burying a crucial part of yourself would cause moroseness.  

Taylor uses the word “color” to convey she had a gay awakening (Question… [Part 3]).  The songs that have “paint” show that Taylor’s world lit up when she really felt love (instead of comp-het).  Someone opened her eyes in Everything has Changed and she felt passionate/invigorated, and more open than she had prior to that moment (Question…  [Part 3]).  The words planet/Saturn.  proclaim how extraordinary this person makes Taylor feel.  Taylor’s love feels enormous and vast to her (Question…  [Part 15]). 

Taylor is illustrating the contrast between this sublime and ethereal state and her previous condition.

Oh, and you held me close

Taylor feels more with women.  One of the first symptoms of queerness is Taylor romantically daydreaming about dancing with girls.  She goes through a trajectory of trepidation, then wonders if it’s a choice at all because desire to touch women feels so innate.  Next, Taylor won’t let herself cross the threshold into queerness, but gets thisclose to touching (so it doesn’t count).  It is all too tempting and she can’t resist, nor can she deny the obvious any longer. Longing to touch women changed who Taylor thought she was (Question… [Part 8]).

Yet, Taylor fears losing control if she touches women.  We talked about how the depths of the water in Marjory signify the unknown.  Taylor has never liked getting in too deep, where her feet can’t touch the ground, and she doesn’t know where she stands. 

But at times, the love and desire is stronger than fear.  You are in Love says, “For once you let go of all your fears and ghosts. . . You knew what it was.”  Taylor can’t quash her feelings any longer, this desire to touch women is proof her gal-pal or best friend is actually romantic love and sexual attraction.  “Wishing you had never found out/that love could be that strong” in Red, builds on this idea.  Now that Taylor knows she’s gay, she is more alive.  It’s out of her control screeching a speeding car to a sudden stop, flying through the free fall, yet she can’t go without it.  She’s blue when this person is gone, gray when she’s all alone.  Taylor is disturbed by the revelation that she needs this red, passionate love, and wishes she didn’t.  “I’m so furious that you make me feel this way,” in Gorgeous is that same magnetic and dangerous pull described in Red.  Taylor doesn’t like losing control, but here she is captivated by this gorgeous woman (Question… [Part 8]).  

Taylor judges the sapphic touching like it’s an addiction, and becomes obsessed with it. Don’t Blame Me has Taylor, high on her lover’s touch, begging on her knees, and giving up grace to touch her.  She’s torn between trepidation of this forbidden and dangerous love and feeling depressed when she doesn’t have it (Question… [Part 8]). 

Despite craving sapphic love Taylor also redoubles the bearding–it’s her safety net.  Ready for It…  the opener of Reputation shows a new bravado about the situation.  In the lyrics Taylor goes from he (the beard) to you (the gal she’s in love with) describing her future plans.  She will keep the beard as a cover for the sapphic love forever, and at night all the touching that Taylor needs can take place in private (Question… [Part 8]).  

Taylor jealously guards her new found love with a woman in End Game, Delicate, and Gold Rush.  Now that she crossed her boundaries and touched a woman, Taylor can’t be without it.  She frets that this person will leave her, they’ll choose someone else (a man?) over her.  And the thought of that makes Taylor miserable (Question… [Part 8]).  

Question… Inherent Attraction Leads Taylor Swift to Depression [Part 13]

Taylor wins the pronoun game.  I’m not even going to try to untangle the speaker/recipient/changing characters in this song.  It was written so convoluted that I haven’t even seen a satisfactory answer to this yet.  Instead, I took lyric snippets from other songs featuring the same word, to get a feeling about Taylor’s sentiment and even subject. Don’t get overwhelmed with the length of this post.  The word I’m trying to point-out from Question… lyrics is highlighted. 

And you’re not sure and I don’t know got swept away in the gray

Swept:

this love

Treacherous

In both songs “swept” is used as a force stronger than individual choices.  This Love describes the tides dictating if the love interest is here or gone.  In Treacherous, Taylor is compelled by an overwhelming compulsion to ask her lover to stay.  It’s not her choice, it’s encoded within her DNA.  Asking her to stay is part of Taylor, not a decision by Taylor.

“All we are is skin and bone.”  We are the body systems that comprise us as humans.  We are instinctual.  Taylor has desire and passion for this love interest that is beyond her control.  Skin is what society sees, bone is underneath giving structure and holding us up. On the surface the general public sees one thing.  But underneath it all, the love is strong and foundational.  

“Trained to get along.”  Kids are taught overtly, passively, subconsciously to be socially acceptable.  Kids start out open and innocent and have to learn to abide by society’s rules and norms.  In this context, “trained to get along, forever going with the flow,” I think Taylor is talking about heteronormative assumptions.  From the time we are young, society regards everyone as straight.  Parents gush over their little girls having a little boyfriend.  Moms save wedding items and baby clothes for when you get married and have children.  People ask female teens what boy they have a crush on.  There are too many examples to list.  We are assumed, thus trained, to know nothing else but being straight.  People who are not straight have to take an emotional journey to unlearn things that have been placed onto them that may not fit, and they have to effortfully learn who they actually are.  

Taylor was major comp-het but this love interest is friction.

This person introduces conflict into Taylor’s idea of who she is.  She’s running smoothly along, being super-straight, dating boys, but then…  She has this attraction to a women, which clashes with who she thought she was, and with her persona.  But she can’t stay away, she was swept into the Sapphic love.

Gray:

Ronan

cold as you

Red

gold rush

coney island

Evermore

getaway car

london boy

Ronan tells us that Taylor uses gray to symbolize despair.  Cold as You uses gray the same way.  This person is breaking-up with Taylor.  They put up walls and paint them gray.  The subject stops talking and sharing their thoughts and feelings with Taylor.  They are distant and unavailable.  The gray is the sadness and loneliness and isolation that this causes Taylor.  Red reiterates this, gray is being alone, missing him.  Coney Island talks about how Taylor left her lover hanging frequently, which painted the lover’s happy, blue skies gray with sadness and loneliness.  

Taylor overthinks, and it exacerbates her depression.  November was gray/sad, and Taylor is trying to figure out where she messed everything up.  She replays moments in her mind regretfully in this dreary song, Evermore.  Even happy memories make Taylor sad.  Gold Rush takes place in a daydream.  Taylor is actually home, drinking tea and her mind reminisces about her lover that has left.  She calls the person beautiful, remembers the love they had during the Big Sur trip, and intimate moments at the lover’s place.  But then she says those memories fade into gray, because it can never be like that again.  Taylor is left drinking tea, alone and sad.  

She uses the word a second way in Getaway Car.  Before Taylor says she was lying to herself she mentions shades of gray in candlelight.  There was confusion, indecision, doubt.  The shades of gray speak to a gray area as well as a situation so complex it has to be deciphered with nuance.  In that song, she gives gray a double meaning because the lines prior to it indicate she ambushed the person, but she didn’t mean it.  Taylor caused gray sadness unintentionally or regretfully.  The gray in London Boy is a strong indicator the song is satire.  In the rest of her catalog Taylor interprets gray as a negative, sad color.  

And you’re not sure and I don’t know got swept away in the gray

The theme of Question… is looking more consistent as we look at the words in Taylor’s other songs.  “You’re not sure and I don’t know” speaks exactly to the incongruency that has been the central conflict in Taylor’s love life.  This couple likes being with each other, but there is always something each of them is wrestling with.  This time it’s the isolation and depression that engulf her without her permission.  She is regretful about her circumstances, but doesn’t see a way to change them.

Worst Moments of 2021

This list goes from the worst to the absolute #1 worst:

 

-Mercury made finals, but only 1 game was on a channel we get, the community didn’t GAF, & they lost

Especially compared to the hype and excitement of the Suns making it.

 

-variants nullified our vaccine & we were mostly back in quarantine

-Brnovich & Yee are running

 

https://www.azcentral.com/story/opinion/op-ed/laurieroberts/2018/09/18/arizona-attorney-general-mark-brnovich-swoops-help-aps-prop-127-fight/1350846002/

 

Kimberly Yee publicly came out against prop 208 which taxed the highest earners on their personal income only to help AZ schools.

 

 

-missing out on activities bc of high risk of Delta variant

 

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/us/arizona-covid-cases.html

 

 

-Fraudit makes me feel hopeless for Arizona

 

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/may/06/arizona-republicans-bamboo-ballots-audit-2020

 

 

-Doug Ducey didn’t get recalled, ironically bc they couldn’t safely gather enough signatures in the pandemic

 

 

 

-realized NBA is rigged (covid playoff states, Giannis/shaq)

 

It’s no accident the NBA finals ended up being in two states with no Covid precautions/laws (AZ & WI).

 

 

 

 

-found out our Senator, Kyrsten Sinema sold out

 

 

 

-dad lost a hearing aid

 

-mom cancelled her vax bc she was listening to dis/mis-info

 

-missed Kathleen Madigan & Fortune Fenster & Lord Huron bc delta variant

 

 

 

-my mom believed in Fraudit (& is racist)

 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2021/02/05/fact-check-viral-post-makes-false-claims-nevadas-election/4392902001/

 

 

-dad lost his 2nd hearing aid

 

-prop 208 was undermined by ducey’s new statute

 

https://ballotpedia.org/Arizona_Proposition_208,_Tax_on_Incomes_Exceeding_$250,000_for_Teacher_Salaries_and_Schools_Initiative_(2020)

 

-my parents were out & about w/high covid risk. Won’t listen.

 

-mom said she thought dad didn’t love her anymore (I hope/think it’s probably his depression)

 

-the heating pad burned Steins tummy

 

 

 

-mom saying trumpy talking-points

 

-KDouche accused me of excessively routing & holding claims too long

 

He said I would need to sit side by side with our mentor so she could tell me what I was doing wrong…  I told him (for at least the 7^th time, between emails and verbally on phone calls) that even this phone call gives me anxiety.  And I asked if I could just do the work and send the claim for her to check it.  He did not listen.  He did not try to work with me.  He did not see any other way to accomplish the goal other than the one method he stated.  Kind of annoyed I was asking for accommodation for my anxiety disorder, he said she would  be side by side watching me do the claim so she could tell me what I was doing wrong in real time.  I was upset bc I do have anxiety, and have emailed him at length about that, and even talked about getting an ADA for anxiety, but he would not work with me.  After a long pause, where I was considering bringing up the ADA or alternate methods to achieve the goal, I just said I understood—mostly bc he never listens to me anyway, so why bother?

 

5/18/21:  KDouche’s recap of our 1:1

I understand that your anxiety can get really bad, however, it is best for someone to sit with you on a live claim example. This way there is no confusion and they would be able to see first-hand what’s happening and possibly propose a solution. This will also aid in your questions in regards to the Xref claims.

I do mostly Zx claims all day long, and they are my favorite.  

The auditors have looked them over many times, and the Zx claims passed as correct. 

I do not have questions about Zx claims.

There are many correct examples of Zx claims that I complete every day and claims that have passed audit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t do those random 6 that came through unpaid, for the reasons I explained verbally in the 1:1, and wrote out in an email recap of the 1:1 bc I could tell KDouche wasn’t listening to me. 

He is STILL under the impression I am doing them wrong even though I do them all the time.

 

 

-Jogre micromanaged me

 

-KDouche said “we need more”

 

I emailed you back regarding your email, but I think it got confused within the chain.  In the email, I told you I originally provided:  The claim #, pend, the auth #, how many units it was over, the problem that it’s split into a decimal, a picture of the calculator showing the days split into a decimal, and a pic of the wf tab, and wf box # I got to.  Also, it wasn’t my question—it was a directive of the wf to send it to TL.   And I asked what else I need to do.  I really need to know what else to send to clear up future confusion, as this is a persistent problem.

I asked what else was needed, because I felt like I had sent everything, and rather than admitting he didn’t read the email chain before admonishing me, he gaslighted me and said a vague:  “We need more.” And that’s all he would tell me.  By the end of the call, I was literally screaming, “What else do you need????!!!!”

 

 

-We pinched Bison’s neck in his collar & he said he always hated us so he wanted to move out

 

 

-EEOC didn’t even open my documentation & got everything wrong in the 1 paragraph they wrote!

 

As a last resort, I went through with reporting my work harassment and retaliation to the government.  I spent 3 hours on the phone telling my caseworker the specific details of what happened.  Then I spent 5 hours on a weekend, trying to make all my documentation understandable to an outsider.  It contained a lot of jargon and technical information.  I sent a whole zip file of the documentation because it was SO much evidence.  The day before the case was to be finalized, my case worker emailed asking me to call her a 2nd time.  I was only able to speak to her for 10-15 min during my lunch break.  And guess what?  I could tell 

 

SHE HAD NOT TAKEN ANY NOTES DURING OUR FIRST 3 HOUR CONVERSATION, AND SHE SAID SHE WAS UNABLE TO OPEN MY ZIP FILE, SO SHE HAD NOT READ A SINGLE WORD OF MY DOCUMENTATION.

 

I felt like it was a colossal waste of time, and hopeless.  When she finally did start my case, the one paragraph was full of incorrect information, and did not identify the correct problem.  #$%^@*

 

-dad drove recklessly and was lucky he didn’t cause an accident, and wrecked the car

 

-KDouche said I worked off the clock

 

Employee Handbook: Timekeeping Violations As a company founded on ethical behavior, we take timekeeping violations seriously. It is a violation of company policy for anyone to work off the clock, incorrectly report hours worked, or alter another employee’s time records without a legitimate reason or authorization to do so. It is also a violation to instruct, encourage, or pressure someone to engage in any of these acts. Any employee who engages in behavior that results in inaccurate timekeeping or incorrect payment is subject to discipline up to and including termination.

 

-dad weird sex-talk

 

-HR didn’t help me

-Goose has a mass in his diaphragm

Dr., 

 

I have been thinking of what to say, and sorry, if this is all over the place.  I’m concerned with the density on x-ray too.  I want everything for Goose, and want to have him (happy and comfortable) as long as possible.  I was trying to imagine what it could be to foresee what the treatment could be. . .  

 

If it was a tumor, most the time there would be some anomaly on bloodwork, is that true? And I didn’t think he was really at risk for diaphragmatic hernia at his age/activity level (I’ve heard about it in regards to very young puppies)? And if it was fluid, he would still have a “wet” sound or some respiratory symptoms?  I guess I’m not actually asking for the textbook of the various possibilities.  

 

My real question is:  Out of all the possibilities your knowledge and experience can think of–what is most likely, and are any of them completely reversible for Goose, & what timelines should I prepare for?  I don’t feel at his weight/age he’s a very good candidate for any surgery–do you think he would be? I wouldn’t want to lose him in trying to heal him w/sx, especially if it was uncertain to work, or only bought him a little more time.  Because, honestly just knowing what it is but not having a viable/affordable/long-term treatment would be more horrible than just not knowing for some reason.

 

I would only want to do u/s if it would absolutely tell us what it is, if there is definitely a treatment, and if that treatment worked for Goose long-term.  Which is to say, I know you’re not prescient, but you do have tons of experience.  Please be candid.

 

In every scenario, I’d like Goose to be as comfortable as possible.

Thank you so much,

 

 

Reply:

 

My biggest concern/worst case scenario for that area in Goose’s x-ray would be a cancerous mass.  However if surgery would not be a possibility then I agree the ultrasound would be a bit of a moot point. 

 

As long as he is comfortable, I think it would be reasonable to do some watchful waiting for him. If his respirations change, he is not eating, has vomiting, or any other signs he is not feeling well, we could repeat x-rays and address any findings at that time.

 

As long as he is happy, that is all that counts.

 

Warm regards,

Don’t Jump Ship

Kaylor was real. And I think they’re still together.

I have no insider information. I’m not in PR, and I’m not super-engaged in any fandom. I only hear current info after the fact, and I’m not up on the latest liked tweets, gossip columns, or sightings.

But I am a gay gal who just celebrated her 11 year anniversary with her soulmate (yesterday, 11/13 actually). And I also listen and analyze song lyrics. And between those two sources of knowledge, I think Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss are still together.

Karlie preceded Taylor’s secret album drop with a cardigan, and the exact album imagery–13 days (Taylor’s favorite number?!) prior. Let’s unpack that:

1) How would Karlie even know? No one knew. Even the magazines and people that usually get albums early, in order to write their reviews, were surprised with the album drop like everyone else. Would an ex know?

2) Covid is on the scene. It’s harder, or disallowed, to gather. Getting inside information when you’re not an insider is even more difficult than usual. And Taylor said she wrote folklore in quarantine. So even if she started a bit earlier, how did Karlie know specific details if they weren’t together?

3) Have you heard Taylor’s catalogue? She has never been exactly friendly with past exes. These boys that upset her, even when it was a mutual show-mance, got some bitter lyrics sent their way. Taylor has been known to hold a grudge, and to put shit-heads right in thier place. Even Diana Agron. Everything I know about Diana is through the lens of Taylor’s music, and it’s not exactly positive. So why would Taylor just sit back and let Karlie walk all over her? We’re majorly underestimating Taylor’s self-worth and grit. She is not a doormat! Taylor has the people in her life that she wants to be there.

4) If Karlie spoiled a secret album drop bc of ill-intent, baiting, or hate–don’t you think Taylor’s team would take legal action? Taylor is the queen of NDAs, and has all the money–she’s not afraid to sue. Her team has litigated the smallest copyright infractions. Do you really think Taylor would let an ex spoil the surprise with no consequence?

Everyone is turning Kaylor off primarily because of a People article. We know People is not a reliable source. How many times have they reported that Ellen Degeneres and Portia deRossi are broken up? How many times has Jennifer Aniston been pregnant in that magazine? And we know they’ve reported Taylor Swift’s various engagement and pregnancies–that never came to fruition.

Even if the teams feed them the articles–what evidence is there that Karlie is actually pregnant? She might be, IDK, but let’s not jump to conclusions based on one or two sketchily sourced headlines. Couldn’t it be that the Ku$hners currently have bad publicity, and the team is trying to add a sympathy card? Divert attention? People are less likely to be haters when a baby is involved. Babies would change the narrative, and provide good, sympathetic distraction from an election loss and criminal accusations. I really have no idea about these things. What I do know, is people shouldn’t just jump to conclusions over one magazine announcement. Wait until more facts are garnered. My guess? There’s no baby. But we’ll see what comes to light.

OK, we talked about how the source is incomplete at best, fabricated at worst. Now, let’s discuss the logistics of a pregnancy. I hope you know, gay people don’t just fuck the opposite sex. That’s not a thing, and it’s disgusting for people to admit the Ku$hner has a long-term husband, and that Karlie is bi (more likely lesbian) but still assert they had sex with each other. I’m a gay, and would NEVER mess around with a penis–it’s like the #1 rule of lesbianism. Desire for children or no. And to think a gay man would have intercouse with a woman–Just. No. And why would he do that–it would make his husband, Mike crazy and hurt their relationship (the real relationship).

Yes, I know there are alternate ways to make a baby. But let’s talk careers also. Don’t you think the Ku$hners have been a little busy with the election and all? And Karlie is constantly working, and in the public eye. Are they going to so abruptly change their M.O. and career trajectories to start a family? I mean, it’s possible, but let’s use some critical thinking skills also. I thought they were in a lavender marriage precisely to further their respective careers?

Aside, from not buying into incomplete, sketchy-sourced evidence, and logistic implausibility of a pregnancy, I have personal experience with relationships. Mine is solid. I’m happy, and so is my mate. But I broke up with my mate before and kicked her out of our apartment after 6.5 years together.

Some mean girls we worked with were jealous of my schedule and took it upon themselves to punish me by sabotaging my and my mate’s relationship. And my trusting, somewhat naive mate, fell right under their manipulations. My mate mean-girrled me after 6.5 years together! And we broke up. I was upset–still am. The situation sucked very bad. But you don’t choose your soulmate, Invisible String is absolutely correct. So despite misgivings, I let my mate back into my life. I wouldn’t do that for anybody else. I’m happy to cut off toxic relationships, usually–I’m no doormat. But your soulmate is special. She is my heart, and even though what she did is unforgivable really, I am more happy with her in my life then without. I am not whole without her. So we’re together and she’s sorry that ever happened, and changed her behavior. People grow, and I chose to let us grow together.

Sometimes long term relationships have blips. And having experienced it firsthand, I think many times they can be overcome. And I think Taylor feels the same. I think she considers Karlie her soulmate. And after all the yearning, dreaming, and wanting a fairytale ending–I don’t think Taylor is going to let that slip away easily. She wrote The Lakes to follow Hoax, to show the listener that yeah, all the content of Hoax sucks, and is depressing and toxic–but there’s still that rose that grew out of frozen ground (mentioned in Hoax), and Taylor still wants to take her muse with her. And if you think that muse is some boy–you have ZERO gay-dar!

I think Taylor feels topsy-turnvy more because of internal homophobia than anything shitty Karlie is doing (which let’s not forget Taylor does this hurtful bearding stuff also). Internal homophobia is what drives being closeted, and it leads to depression. Living a secret, closeted life is both high-maintenance and mentally/emotionally taxing. I was closeted (still am in some circles), and it feels BAD. Of course Taylor is sad. Bearding is stressful and phony and horrible to put an S.O. through.

When my mate and I visit my rural hometown, I never touch her, and want us to appear to outsiders (who are bigots) as just friends. And when I say “friend” or “roommate when those small-town people press, I feel ugly and disgusting inside. I feel ashamed with myself for not being stronger. Even so, the fear outweighs all those feelings. Now amplify that by a million for Taylor and Karlie. And they’re both participating in that game of secrecy. it’s a lot of stress.

What I’m saying is–don’t be a weak Kaylor and give up so soon. Taylor and Karlie may have broken up, but the evidence we have is not very great. At least wait for more substantial proof.