Tag Archives: disappointment

Trump Terror

11 Nov

I was actually happy when Trump got the Republican nomination.  I thought Jeb Bush, with his family-backing, and Texas oil money, and far-right support was more of a threat.  I highly doubted anyone would take Donald Trump seriously.  I mean, all he had going for him was money and trash-talk!  I felt voting for him was akin to voting for a Kardashian.  They’re in the same camp–you know their names from the stupid stuff they say and do on television, but you don’look to them for any serious leadership.

And I knew if nobody took Trump seriously (because HOW could they!!!) that whatever democrat was running would be a shoe-in.  I wasn’t sad to see it was Hillary.  I had actually voted for her over Obama in the primary that first time around when she ran.  I knew her face, thought she worked really hard as Secretary of State, and yeah–I wanted a woman in the White House.

But I thought women’s rights were farther ahead than they actually are.  I really think if Hillary were a man, things would have played out differently.  It would have been an EQUAL assessment of two candidates.  Not just a singular attack on one and blind-spot toward the other.  They would have dug into her dirty laundry–sure–that’s part of the political game these days.  And believe me, they ALL have their share of dirty laundry.  The political machine is so caught up in money now, that ALL candidates that make it to a certain lever most certainly made back room deals to get funded.  They all owe somebody.  Every politician has to water down a certain policy they care about, because a special interest group contributed to their campaign.

That makes them all lairs.  They all manipulate.  Every politician is shady.  I expect it.

But they would have used the bad stuff to equal disadvantage, apples-to-apples.  They didn’t.  When people called Hillary a liar, I was like–yeah.  Of course.  But what I didn’t expect was to people to hold that against Hillary in a militant way, when they didn’t hold the male politician to the same standard.  I would challenge that every accusation, every piece of dirty laundry found on Hillary was used against her in a more drastic way then it is used against any man that has run or held office.  People were a LOT harsher on Clinton then they’ve been on most males in politics.

The patriarchal double-standard reared it’s ugly head.

Even so, I didn’t think the country would go for Donald Trump.  How could they?  He is a caricature.  He’s all fluff and propaganda, and realty TV!  He has no political experience, no solid policy ideas, only hateful sound-bites.  His business dealings were murky.  The guy claimed bankruptcy and didn’t pay taxes.  He wavered on issues, and lost all three debates.  His supporters were the trashiest, most backward, belligerents in the country.  He got caught candidly admitting his penchant for sexual abuse.  Americans would not get behind any of that.  We might like to see the train wreck on TV, but we expect more decorum and have higher standards for our president.

The leader of our country–the leader of the world.

I was in absolute shock when we didn’t.

This week was difficult.  I felt suddenly scared and alone.  I knew every person from my small town voted republican.  I felt since Trump is against many of the minority groups I belong to (women-in social standing, impoverished, gays) that my Utah work managers were also.  My hometown was also.  My Facebook friends were also.  My parents were also.  I was suddenly marginalized.  Cowering at the fringes.

And my groups are actually dominant groups OF the marginalized groups.  The illegals, people of color, transsexuals, Muslims–all have it way worse.  If I felt scared and alone, how must THEY feel???

I saw many Trump supporters come across my Facebook feed.  And they shut-down dissent by telling anyone liberal or sorry about the win to “get over it.”  They discounted their opinions, silencing their views.  I try not to make waves on Facebook.  Or at work.  I know I am more progressive then my small-town peers.  I understand I have lived in more states, have more education, watch documentaries and learn about issues.  I’m a moderate, but a progressive one.  That sets me apart from most loud political views.  I get that people that just don’t know, don’t necessarily hate, but they are ignorant.  I can let some things go.  And I am usually quiet.  I scroll past the politics that are opposite to my views, the hate-memes, and ignorance.  Because these people are family.  Or they are my past.  I grew up and went through every year of schooling from kindergarten to senior year with some of these people–it’s just not worth it.

But when people started hassling Cool on her Facebook page, I stopped to think.  She was upset and posted why.  People wrote long diatribes, personally attacking her.  People told her to shut up about it.  People said to “move on.”  And in a society that just accepted what Trump stands for, and voted him in the highest office–I decided we could no longer afford apathy.

A lot of the reason he got voted in was because people didn’t like either candidate so they didn’t vote.  A whole, big section of youth, and moderates, and democrats just didn’t vote.  Which left privileged people to make our decisions.  People whose lives look nothing like mine.  People who don’t have the same problems and worries as me (or other marginalized groups).  It made me think a lot of that Holocaust quote, which I will not directly quote (because I’m too lazy to go search for it, and I already have more tabs open then I like) so I will sum the sentiment up:  They took the criminals, and I was not a criminal so I didn’t say anything.  They took the gypsies, and I was not a gypsy so I didn’t say anything.  They took the Jews and I was not a Jew so I didn’t say anything.  So when they came for me–there was nobody to speak for me.

We always have to remember how the Holocaust started so nothing even remotely similar can repeat itself.  It’s not just about some tyrant stealing power–it’s the apathy and silence from the real majority that allows that to happen.

And Cool and I spent a very large part of the year watching WWII (and everything around the periphery of that) shows, interviews, and documentaries.  I know what apathy can lead to, I know how things got started in Germany back then.  So I felt motivated to stand up where I could in my own life.  I made a new policy that I would not be silenced by the privileged few.  I would not stand down as a woman.  I will not hide as a gay.  I will not let my poverty minimize my power.  And I wouldn’t stand by and say nothing when others were hassled–not anymore.  I will act with integrity and stand for what I believe in.  Even if it causes confrontation.  I will deliberately show my ethics and speak my morals.  I have to counter the negativity and hate that was just sanctioned by a vocal majority by stopping the silence and apathy.  First in my own life, then maybe even on a larger scale.

Here’s what I wrote to Cool (and her frenemies on Facebook):

hypocracy

 

And I wrote to her (and those frenemies of hers):

“Words of wisdom: I will not be shut-down or silenced. I will continue to voice my ethics and let my values guide my actions. Hate has no place here. Don’t let societal pressures make you falter. Speak your mind. Speak your truth.”

Because right now it’s super-important for all those just marginalized by the ignorants and the haters to have a voice.  Remind people we’re here and we’re just as valid.  And we have dreams, hopes, and rights.  We deserve an equal chance.  We deserve respect.  That dissent is not unpatriotic.  To speak out for injustice is as American as you can get.  It’s what this country was built on.

I also got brave and wrote from my heart on my own Facebook page.  Knowing I was outnumbered by right-wingers.  Knowing there was hate for my groups just under the surface.

“I try to keep politics off my page. Nobody really wants to hear it–you’re not changing anyone’s mind. And I don’t identify with either party. I think with all the money, and lobbyists, and Super-PACS all candidates that make it that far have to be corrupt just to be in the game. But I am in shock and dismay.

For me, this 2016 election result is not about red or blue, winning or losing, it’s about standing for my values, and modeling my ethics. I will not be shut-down and I will not falter in defending my morals for fear of antagonism. It’s not about, “move on, get over it.” Trump’s values do not align with mine. And friends/family I hope I know you well enough that Trump’s quotes/feelings are not in your heart either.
This is a country of immigrants, mentally ill, minorities, women, gays, impoverished, of “other.” Big-Money shouldn’t have the largest and last say in all matters. As a proud American I recognize how fortunate I am to be born here and at the status that I hold. But that’s all it was–luck, completely out of my control. I will raise my voice to defend the little people– outsiders like myself–because that’s the kind of person I am.
If you can’t respect that, if you are ignorant to the sentiment of this message–mostly I feel sorry for you. And a little afraid. For myself, for the others like me, for this great country, and for you. God bless, and may the universe be kind to you and yours.”
I was disappointed I only got 3 likes and one comment–none of those from family.  So the fears and isolation are real.  Those people on my Facebook WOULD turn against me.  I have to watch my mouth and watch my back.
But I will not be silenced.  I will not go down without a fight.
I took my new personal-policy of not being silenced to my job yesterday.  Crissy bought us ice cream.  She got 4 different flavors of candy bars.  Derick the Douche loves Reese’s PB cups best, so she specifically got ice cream in that flavor for him.  He claimed it before he saw it.  The rest of us decided which flavors we wanted.  Derick then saw the ice cream, and saw his flavor was smaller then the rest.  He said he wanted oreo instead (it was the biggest).  But an Indian gal had already picked that one out.  White, male, privileged, dominant Derick the Douche wanted it, and pushed for it.  She conceded.  I spoke up–“No Siama already chose that one.”  And I like PB, and didn’t particularly care which ice cream flavor I ate (I love ALL ice cream!) so I told him to take the Twix one I had picked.  He pouted and tried to take hers anyway.  I put my foot down.  Which, I never would have done before.  He’s always that way.  It was none of my business.  But under my new policy, I was not going to stand by and let him bully a minority and take the (perceived) better ice cream away from her.
I used my policy a second time in the same night.  A chronically slow, co-worker, who is always late, always lagging on his buckets, and actually disallowed to do basic tasks because he messes up, ruffled my feathers.  I always do the document imaging at work.  My co-workers don’t like to.  Everyone is supposed to do it.  We even have it assigned to a certain color.  But I do the lions share-no matter what color I am assigned.  Night after night.  Because I am a hard worker.  I’m motivated.  And it needs to be done.  I’ll do the scanning–ALL of the scanning.  Night after night, month after month, year after year-I do the majority of the scanning.  To the point, they don’t even know HOW, some of them, including the boy in this story.
For once, Crissy (who is just a sub and usually doesn’t work) was helping with the scanning.  She got stuck and didn’t know what had gone wrong, and this kid (Josh) was near so went over to help her.  But since he never scans, didn’t know how.  And they all just KNOW that I’m the scanning bitch at work.  In an accusatory tone, he called my name–like ‘YOU fucked this up, now come over and fix your mistake so Crissy can finish our work.’  That’s what his tone and body language said.  And he’s used that tone on me before.  Usually I let it go to keep the peace.  Even though it’s a totally inappropriate tone for work, and completely condescending.  I usually let it go.  Even though it makes me mad and makes me feel ‘less than’ I let it go.
But last night I called him out on it.  I said, “Are you asking for my help or accusing me of something?”  And he still looked agitated and a little hostile toward me so I continued, “You don’t need to use that accusatory tone on anyone at work–especially when you’re asking for their help.”  Turns out, I had not messed anything up.  But even if I had–so what?  And um–scanning is not MY job.  They are supposed to be doing their share and they never do–so don’t come accusing me of anything regarding scanning!  Anyway, Crissy had pressed something wrong, and it was no big deal, I simply showed her how to fix it, and we went on with work.  But my defense had made the kid mad.  He was storming around, slamming his stuff, and had a shitty demeanor for the rest of our shift.
But I wasn’t silenced.
And that felt good.  In a week where shock and horror ruled.  So I will continue on, living ethically, not hiding behind fear or apathy.  I will act with morality, defend those without a voice, and stand up for my beliefs–because they’re just as valid as Trumps, and those who voted for him.
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The Dreaded Wait-List

30 Mar

Well, I’ve been here before.  I’m on the all too familiar borderline.  First, 3rd grade math, the cusp between B+ and A-, then vet school (so many times), and now this Audiology program.  The uncertainty, the waiting, decreased financial aid opportunities. . .

I knew I shouldn’t have put all of my eggs in one basket.  Again.  But I felt that I didn’t have another (good) choice:  1)  I wanted to live in the same place as Cool and both kitties (without roommates),  2)  Afford the rent (WITHOUT ROOMMATES = read Seattle-housing blogs), 3)  Have job opportunities for Cool, 4)  move only 1 more time after this big move, and of course 4)  go to a place with said AuD program.  Boulder, Colorado was too expensive to live and Greeley didn’t have employment.  Seattle and Portland’s cost of living is too high (and commute terrible).  Idaho has no jobs, and the program required an additional move halfway through–3 hours away.  There was no housing (other then student = no Cool, no kitties) in Logan Utah.  Every other school was a really, really far, expensive, move.  I only applied to Salt Lake City, because that’s the only place that was going to work.

I tried the best I could and wouldn’t change anything about my application.  I always, always felt that I was destined for greatness.  Something bigger, something impressive.  But even doing EVERYthing differently this time (vs. vet school attempts) the results are much the same.  And it makes me doubt everything.  Am I supposed to just have a j-o-b?  Go to work doing nothing meaningful or spectacular and focus elsewhere on my life?  I always thought it was a career and making a difference that was my path–but this gives me so much doubt.

Wait-list is a helpless position.  I have to wait.  Wait while someone else determines my future.  This time I will follow up with a letter of enthusiasm (which I have sent).  Saying they are my first choice, I’ve done this and that new thing, and the program is a good fit because. . .  I’ll follow this through to the end.

But it was supposed to be MY turn.  And I can’t help but feel sorry for myself, that I may have just wasted 2 more years and thousands of dollars (and a LOT of headache) at Riverpoint getting nowhere.  I may be back at square one–again.  What now?

I Got BronchITis!

13 Jan

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

This is the 2nd time I’ve been sick in the last few months. After having a years-long dry spell from being full-on sick, it is SO not cool.

I blame the Y. My sleep schedule still isn’t what it should be, and combined with all those germs–then cold weather. I have no chance. It’s the trifecta.

I hate being sick though. Somehow, I thought being sick would be nice–you get to sleep a lot, sit around watching TV, catch up on your reading. Maybe clean the house and cook some things you haven’t had time for. . .

What I forgot was–being sick sucks. I can’t sleep either because I’m congested or in this case–coughing uncontrollably. Nothing is less uncomfortable then being prompt to a near-sitting position, on your back–all night. I am comfortable sleeping on my side, but that’s not possible with a runny nose or cough. So I’m mostly awake all night. When I need sleep the most.

And waking up? Awful!!! You are farthest away from being medicated and very unrested so getting out of bed is horrid. I finished a mile–running,no less–this morning, but it just about killed me. I completed it in a slow, slow 17 minutes (my slowest EVER was 13 minutes) with many (7?) intermittent sitting rests. But I got it done, and have now run for 377 days in a row.

But I don’t recommend that. It really wiped me out. Pretty much all I’ve accomplished today is folding my clothes. And that’s with many rest breaks in between–who know sitting on the floor folding could be so strenuous?! And I still haven’t put all the clothes away, because it requires standing up.

It’s frustrating, because I can’t sleep, but you’d think I could study for my interview, or read, or do something productive. But I feel too sick and fevery to do any of that. I’d better feel good tomorrow so I can get ANYthing done.

P.S. Dave Matthews Band announced their summer tour–which is really exciting.

Dave face

Except it’s also VERY disappointing. We don’t know where we’ll be, or how much money we’ll have by summer. And of course all the Western venues are in the last week of August and later–when my classes potentially start on the 24th. . . They are so close (the Gorge, Tahoe, CO) but yet so far. So we have to look at, and be teased by the dates–and sadly miss out. I hate that.  I am telling you that I’m going to literally be crying crocodile tears when we have to hear all about the tour and miss every show for lack of planning, money, and time.  Sad, sad, sad!

So that’s that. I guess I’ll try to watch a movie without feeling guilty. Because I sincerely feel like a$$.

Fri-disappointment [post 2 of 4]

8 Sep

FRIDAY was not our worst Gorge experience ever.  In 2010 we had tickets and got there Sunday for the show–only to find out our tickets had been for Saturday.  And the venue was $hitty about it and wouldn’t honor them even though they could tell they’d never been scanned.  And they wouldn’t even downgrade us to lawn.  They said we could purchase 2 lawn tickets for $100 (extra).  So we went home, having missed out.  So this wasn’t that bad, but it’s a close 2nd worst.

I wish I could say Friday was amazing and everything I’d been looking forward to for so long. It truly makes me sad I can’t.

There was a parking situation.  They made brand new paths to drive on–which is a lot better because they criss-crossed the whole lot.  So there would be less waiting in line to leave when that time came.  Our flag lady, however, was not doing her job.  She didn’t indicate which path Cool should take.  We rolled down the window and Cool asked and received a reply I didn’t hear.  Later, Cool told me she said, “follow the path and park.”  NOT helpful.  But Cool didn’t persist for clarification.  And the thing about Cool is she folds under pressure and recedes inside herself when presented with any kind of choice in a perceived pressure situation.  She has generalized anxiety on top of her bipolar.  For me, it means she totally shuts down and freezes, doing nothing.  Meanwhile leaving me, the passenger, to control the situation–from afar.  It’s stressful for her and frustrating for me.  Well, that happened, putting damper #1 on our time.

But we were ready to tailgate!  We had all kinds of snacks, and bevs, and playing cards.  Before the concert we had fun.yellow skirt tailgate Fri

At 3PM, the venue opened for the Caravan Acts (we didn’t care about).  But I like to be early and we both wanted to check out the merch before it got picked over so I grabbed our awesome poster and we lined up.  Smokers were in front of us and behind us in the line.  I realized how spoiled we are as Washington residents, that not a staggering percentage of people smoke.  But there were a lot of out of staters for the crux of the summer concert series, so we had to endure it.  But not without some loud grumbling.  The poster was a little unruly to carry because the wind kept wanting to gust it away.  So I had to use my arm muscles to keep it from bending or flying away.  It would be well worth it later!  As we approached the front of the line, I noticed there were 8 security stalls, all of them manned–but people were only standing at the first 2.  And the security people at the later stalls were goofing off.  I told Cool to follow me and went from the 2nd long line, so the 5th completely empty stall.  And made it all the way inside in about 2 seconds.  I turned to celebrate with Cool, and no Cool.  Where did she go?  I waited on the other side of the lines expecting her to come right through.  Nope.  I went up to the gate to look for her.  Not only had she not followed me, she was no longer in any line.  She was waiting in a random area–crumbling from the pressure.  Again.  Frustrated, I yelled for her.  Her hearing loss and panic prohibited her from hearing me.  I had to go back out and grab her and get her.  I actually was so frustrated at her inability to function enough to go through an effing line I thought about just going to our seats–but she was holding our tickets.  When I grabbed her she said she lost me.  Even though I wore a bright yellow skirt and was holding a large, colorful poster. . .  Damper #2 on our time.

It was more windy then it had been at our past concerts.  Wind is my least favorite weather.  But my hair was back out of my face in a cute hairstyle, and my skirt had built in shorts and looked cute and flouncy when it whipped around.  BUT I forgot my fire shoes. Sneakers that matched my adorable outfit, yet were comfortable to walk across dirt, weeds, and up & down all the hills. So my plastic flip-flops ate the skin off my feet and got wet and sweaty.  I also forgot a coat/sweatshirt/longsleeve Sidenote: I really cannot change plans at the last minute. I was going to wear my whole outfit in the car and had it all (including the 2 aforementioned articles) set out. Then, I decided I didn’t want to get car slur on my nice stuff so I’d wear grubbies on the 2.5 hour drive and change. Back to point. I (we both) got cold. And there was nothing to do except A) be miserable and distracted for 7 hours or B) buy expensive outerwear at the merch stand. So I shelled out $65 for a sweatshirt and Cool $65 for a zip-up. Which we will both wear, but probably wouldn’t have bought if temperature wasn’t a factor.

sweatshirt on Friday

Brandi Carlile did an awesome job!  As always she got the crowd going, and I think made a lot of new fans.  They added banjo to “100 years” and it sounded outstanding-I hope I can get hold of that live version!  Also, Brandi ended the 1st song, there was a pause, and it looked like Brandi saw our sign.  Then she said, “Raise Hell” (our sign said– Raise Hell Brandi), there was another pause–then they played “Raise Hell.”  I’m pretty sure because of our sign.  So that was awesome.  She also did a rockin’ cover of Fleetwood Mac and “Nothing Compares to You,” in which the band ROCKED OUT.  It was amazing per the usual.  Though she played as a true opening act, doing covers instead of her own extensive, and popular, catalogue.  But honestly, I like anything Brandi Carlile does, so I didn’t mind at all.

There was a half hour break between sets and our section filled in.

We had seats pretty close to the front (row 13) but any seat at all is better then none.  Except we got surrounded by smokers. row 13-section 104--FriReally?! I guess cause Friday is big for out of staters who have to start going back home on the later days? Go home now!  I absolutely hate smoking, because I have to smell it and stink too.  And Cool hates it because her mom (who smoked for 40 years) is on Oxygen due to severe COPD.  And it was on all sides and disgusting and obnoxious. And since they were also drunk (I had never noticed before that everyone is) they had no consideration and chain-smoked puffing right on us.  Gross!

Cool was seated by Mr. Obnoxious. He was a drunk smoker, he was loud and pushy, and he crowded both of us out of our space. Like far away, so that the people on the other side of me were skewed also and complaining.  Cool was in front of my seat and I had to cram between my seat and the person on the other side of me.

When Dave Matthews got on stage, we held up our poster.  But Cool tried to pull it down after only .4 seconds.  And I was like, what’s going on–hold up our awesome poster!  She refused, not wanting to hold it at all.  She tried to renege on holding up our poster 😦 Which had been her idea, and we worked hard on it, and it looked amazing, and I had to carry it around in the wind pre-show.  But she wouldn’t.  Damper #3 was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I became infuriated and disappointed with her. I was really pissed at her and it really made my time worse then it could have been.

stage--brown-plum

 

The setlist was great. We were at the Gorge! We had seats! Yet, things weren’t right with Cool and me, so it sucked.  I almost cried when “our song” “Crush” got played.  We were not in a good place, so it was really sad and sucky.  And the band played every sexy and romantic song they had because Dave’s wife and kids were in the audience–so fighting with Cool was the worst!

stage--red

But I was really mindful about tuning out the extraneous (anger/disappointment in Cool, SUPER-Douche crowd around us, and non-stop smoking) and look at the lighting, the band, the stage, the sky.  Think about how lucky I was to be there, and in good health, and have seats, and be sober.  Lucky

Still, I ended the night in crocodile tears, very disappointed in how the day was ruined.

Next installment, Saturday of Labor Dave Weekend + Brandi–away from the Gorge.

Robbin’ His Family

12 Aug

Of course I loved Robin Williams–I’m human, aren’t I?  Just like everyone else bemoaning his death on Facebook, I grew up watching him.  Through his work, I feel like I know him.  He seemed accessible and friendly and he is one of the great talents of this age.  I grew up with his kid-friendly movies.  I love his HBO special and have watched it about a hundred times.  And I even like his dramatic roles.

I’m torn though.  I have a hard time just writing about his good work.  I can’t bring myself to post a colorance on Facebook, because I’m also angry at his selfishness.  I feel Robin Williams is a coward for committing suicide.  At 63 years old, he should have had a lot of life lift.  It’s senseless.  Especially when he has a family who will bare the brunt of his decision and be left to deal with everything without him.

I realize depression is serious.  Having a bipolar mate, I do not take depression lightly.  At the same time I cannot condone making a permanent decision for a temporary problem.  I wish he would have waited a little longer for the help he needed, meds to kick in, life to calm down–whatever needed to happen.  Because you CAN come out of a depression–you can’t un-do asphyxiation.

But I feel sad for the pain Robin Williams felt, and angry he didn’t feel there was any other recourse.  He was loved by many, and I wish he would have trusted them to step up and help in his time of need.  Alas, I wish his family the best, and hope they are able to adjust to life without him.  He was a great entertainer and his humor will be missed.

Broken Heart [Anti-Valentine Part 9]

14 Feb

This may be the only annual post I’ve completed every year since I began blogging.  THAT’S how important I feel it is to spread the message the Valentine’s Day is nothing positive.

2007:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2010/01/17/my-opinion-of-valentines-day-posted-2-14-07/

2008:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2010/01/17/where-is-the-love-posted-2-13-08/

2009:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/valentines-dread/

2010:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/nix-the-red-pink-and-save-some-green/

2011:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/blood-diamonds-and-valentines-day/

2012:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2010/02/06/valentines-day-part-4-gender-roles/

2013:  https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/shove-it-down-your-throat/

It’s all hype and phoniness, and contrived to SELL merch.  This year, I’ll be focusing more in the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness the “holiday” can foster.  Sure, I’ve mentioned it before, but I never talked of adult and teen depression and the very real consequences of these emotions:  Divorce and suicide.

blacks birds

Valentine’s Day is a day of those who have it and those who don’t.  “It,” being commercialized, overt, expressions of love.  This is not to be confused with actual love, friendly-love, or compassion.  Those are all very real, and intangible feelings that can’t be bought or paraded around for the admiration and envy of others.  And though they’re different then the passionate type of love flaunted on Valentine’s Day, I’d argue they’re even more important.  And substantial.

For those who feel left out of the Valentine’s commotion, life can feel pretty empty.  And just try to get away from all the hearts, flowers, and gifts that day.  The advertising and parading is ubiquitous.  And teens are imprisoned at school, can’t find an escape.  People who are already having relationship woes find them exacerbated by the great expectations of February 14th.  A product of failed expectations can be a ruined family unit.  Teens with low self-esteem or who are still testing relationship waters and don’t have that ONE special person–can get down.

Also written by someone else, but very pertinent to MY point:

Some students left school with armloads of gifts, while many others sat empty-handed. Some girls sent flowers to each other, and I knew more than one who sent flowers to herself. I remember seeing girls cry in the restroom after their boyfriends failed to send them a gift, and I remember watching boys cruelly snicker as they watched an unpopular girl react with joy as she received a flower supposedly from one of their buddies, but which was really just a mean hoax.

Facts from other internet sources (take the validity as you will):

-Forty percent of people have negative feelings towards Valentine’s Day.

-A recent poll found that one in ten young adults admitted to feeling lonely, insecure, depressed, or unwanted on Valentine’s Day. And that’s just the ones that admitted it.

-divorce internet search/lawyers increase around this day

-Research suggests that 75 percent of suicide attempts are attributable to relationship problems.

-Last year, the Missouri Suicide Crisis hotline had extra staff on duty because they expected approximately 50 percent more calls on Valentine’s Day.

Laurel's pics 189It breaks MY heart that our commercialistic society whole-heartedly endorses a holiday that’s so hurtful to so many people in order to sell a few teddy bears.  It’s hard to feel good about a holiday that leaves so many adults left feeling lonely and disappointed.  A day that leaves students feeling miserable about themselves, and drives them to take drastic measures.  

I like the idea of GALentines day or PALintines day a lot better.  I fine those all-inclusive and based on making Leslie Knopeeveryone feel good.  Much better than just thrusting “love” in everybody else’s faces to feel superior and special.  And to the detriment of those that don’t.

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“If It’s Important You’ll Find a Reason…

21 Jan

If not, you’ll find an EXCUSE.”

What a day!  It was my big work evaluation and I was really stressed about it.  Mostly, because I’m never on the same page as my work, so these things never end well for me.  Despite, spending a lot of time (in my head, on here, and on my portion of the eval) thinking about my strengths and weaknesses–I was terrified to go over them with my boss.  I guess just because I didn’t want to be surprised, upset, or disappointed?  I’m not certain why, actually.  I was just. . .  Overwrought.  And it’s never awesome.  I told myself I would not be emotional.  I sad eyeswould remain neutral-faced and professional.  Well, automatically my care bubbles out in the form of teariness/crying grimace-face.  And I’m not the crying type.  Not at all, actually–which makes it all the worse.  The almost-crying stuff is just emotion/nervous energy–not cry baby or sadness.  But it couldn’t be stopped, despite trying to prep myself and visualize calmness beforehand.  And despite deep breathing before and during.  That stuff is not the image I want to convey–but knowing it will happen, and that it’s silly, doesn’t equate with stopping it.  So there I was.  Cool was very entertained by my recap of the event.

Anyway, it went better then I expected, they gave me much the same marks that I gave myself (after MUCH gold-starconsideration) and the first marks I got when I began work in 2010.  And the (verbal) comments were–expected, more pleasant then I thought, and typical.  All three of those things.  And sometimes I’m cynical and think complements are more of a “softening the criticism” leadership strategy then completely truthful, but I’ll take what I can get I guess.  I put 3 such items into my positivity jar also, making a total of 5 great things that have happened in 2014.  [Sidenote–I feel severely underappreciated on  daily basis at work, but 4/5 items in my positivity jar are positive statements from my boss,hmm–perception is funny.]

black_dragonfishI did NOT, however, look at the other doctor’s comments.  Not yet.  We have different philosophies, and I knew whatever she said would more then likely make me upset–and I know they are probably based in simmering resentment over my schedule change.  Maybe I’ll have Cool read them first, and if they’re better then I’m thinking, I’ll look.  And if they are much what I expect, I’ll just file them away–I don’t need a bunch of negativeity, and even MORE bad feelings between that doctor and myself.

And that was a long introduction to say that I’m always looking to improve myself, even if I only present that to myself, in private (and you of course).  Here is WHY my 2014 goals are important for me to accomplish to better my life, which will provide me with more motivation to follow through on the small daily steps in order to master them:

putting on the board

-add in exercise AND produce (subtract bad things)

This is important, because I want to FEEL better.  I want energy, less fatigue, and no health issues.  I love my emotional state when I’m running and abstaining from alcohol as well.  It takes some anxiety away and helps me have a more positive outlook.  Plus, being hot never hurt anyone’s self esteem and feeling strong is a good way to feel.

-have gratitude, say nice things

I under no circumstance want to be phony or an eternal optimist.  That isn’t me–I think it’s OK not to grasshoppercompletely hide the darker sides.  It’s authentic–everyone has that part of themselves and the world isn’t all roses.  That said, there is nothing wrong with nothing small things.  I like that quote about it’s not the person who has least that is the poorest–it’s the person who wants MORE.  And as a go-getter, it’s easy to get bogged down by where I’m going, instead of loving simple pleasures.  This also takes time from worrying, and trains my brain to stop being greedy.
-straighten out my sleep

I hate being tired, feel guilty when I’m dragging and unproductive, and my temperament and emotions are more unruly when my sleep isn’t regulated.  Even though finishing everything by 7PM is a pain sometimes, the next da is ALWAYS better when I do.
-min. extraneous spending and save a small amt $ every paycheck for moving to CO

Because I want out of HERE.  It’s among my most important goals to make a difference in my work and improve my surroundings.
-volunteer

It’s something good people do.  I’m a big believer in giving if you have something to give.  And secondly, that’s where the scholarship money is–community service.  But that’s not the primary reason.
-Judge Cool less and show her more kindness and love

DMB at the Gorge 012Our love is special.  She is one of the only people who truly understands me.  And she tolerates my “stuff” and I love that about her.  We are just meant to be.  It is important to me to convey to her how much I appreciate her and love us, because we get bogged down in reminders, details, and shennanigans.
-Take pride in my appearance: Wear contacts more, use makeup, wear jewelry

Not in a sorostitute, capitalistic way, just as a taking care of myself and caring about myself.  It also shows I care about where I’m going and gives a picture into my health and mental state.  Which is improving all the time.
-worry only 30 min/day (instead of all day & night) AND think positively for at least 10 min/d

Because worry makes me sick inside.  And stressed and tightly wound and unpleasant to be around–for both others and myself.  And I feel 100x better when I don’t worry.  I feel like gratitude is the thing that cancels out worry and I’m on board with that.

rainbow cloud 1

-make a list, grocery shop, cook ahead

This is just better for scheduling, money, and health purposes.  A little planning helps a lot of areas.  The follow through will stop restaurant eating and munchie grabbing.  And when the pantry is stocked I feel like a productive adult, AND it saves valuable study time.
-Don’t over-pluck eye brows.

Emma Watson dark eyebrowsBecause I’m 30 now.  And I have full brows >:-{ It’s happening and I’ll like it and have to work at them less when I work more with nature instead of fighting against it.
-increase eye contact

This not only helps me look less like a suspicious criminal or autistic socially-inept person, but I can see more intent in other people if I look at their eyes.  It instills trust, it’s professional, and it’s a good feeling, mutually.

So as you can tell, I put more effort into some of these than other, more more the afore-mentioned 7 PM bed time then anything.  Maybe I’ll edit a little later, but now I’ve GOT to go.

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