Tag Archives: disappointment

I’m Disappointed. . . In Me

30 Sep

hit by train 1It seems when you fail, and keeping failing that there’s a cross-roads.  Take some large action to un-do and reverse, or easier–just let go and drop the rest of the way down.  September was kind of like that for me.  OK, I wrote this dreary kind of self-punishing post last week.  Since I have re-evaluated.  I think September was a case of needing balance.  I oscillated between being much too easy on myself, then much too hard.  A person can only be ultra-disciplined for so long before they wear out.  And when I wore out, I relaxed.  But too much, because the relaxing had been so put off and the discipline was so strict that I needed MORE relaxing–see a pattern?  Finally, I did too.  So I’ll edit some of the more bleak/tough on myself aspects of this one, knowing that in October I need more of an even split between discipline and relaxation.

Water.  None.  Probably in the whole month, I drank no water.  When I do it makes me have to pee–which my schedule just doesn’t allow for.  Or it disrupts my sleep.  What to do?  I guess, because this goal is important to me I need to find a way.  Water, helps you still hydrated, which keeps you looking younger and feeling better.  It helpsKidron's post b-day pics 033 fill your stomach so you don’t feel as hungry.  It’s better than drinking other things.  But when to do it?  Let’s see, I suppose I could drink, drink, drink at work in the mornings–as long as I stop when work ends at 10 AM so I can make it through class.  Then, immediately after class (but no later) drink some more.  OK, I will go back to giving this an honest effort.  Maybe today at Costco I’ll get some sort of legit water bottle or thermos instead of using the 6 mo old Gatorade bottle that I have at work. . .  I totally got a cute, non-spill thermos-type cup for work/school water-drinking purposes!  I’ll report back in October and we’ll see if it helped.

Running.  I have good intentions.  I want to–really I do.  But when school becomes a factor there just isn’t any more time.  It takes a back seat to study/work/sleep.  Then, once there’s a gap in track days it becomes almost impossible to get my booty out there.  Add in cold/wet weather and fighting for space at the community college = not happening.  The outside running season is just over.  One day, when I’m rich I’ll either have a gym in my house or a membership.  For now–I resign myself to let this one slip in the interest of grades.  What I will do is study my flashcards (per the usual) at a FASTER speed on the treadmill.  I always study on the treadmill to kill two birds, but usually at 3.0-3.5.  I’ll make an effort to ramp up the intensity.  Also, I can try to jog on the treadmill while Cool quizzes me or during a show.  Thirdly, I can still do a little Wii-Fit, clogging, stretching, or intervals here & there.  I was pretty good this weekend about also climbing hills and walking fast when Cool and I were watching horror movies (we love fall).  Except, the belt gets really hot on my bare feet so I’m pretty sure this treadmill is about to die 😦  Hopefully without catching fire or burning somebody badly before it does.  I don’t know which is worse, having to buy a new Craigslist treadmill or carrying this one down the stairs and a new one up the stairs. . .  Oh treadmill, please hold out for 2 more years.

Work.  I will stop being so nervous.  That’s all.  If they do revert my schedule, I know what I have to do.  And that’s all.  I can’t constantly worry and try to accomplish the work of three people to prove my “worth” to them.  It’s telling when our receptionist gets a big basket of flowers after her dog’s euthanasia (Sloppy = nothing) and the newer tech gets balloons and donuts (me = nothing for 3 years) for her birthday.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need for these people to like me or anything, and want to take the personal out of work all-together–it’s just telling of their attitudes towards me, that’s all.  And regarding my work ethic and schedule:  If they don’t know by now that I’m a worthy employee, well then they will just never know, and no action on my part will convince them.  Time to let the finger take over for me on this one. . .  Re-edit = true story and I’m letting go and letting God because this is too much for me to carry around all the time.

Money.  The one good thing about feeling like I have to do extra just to stay in place at work, is that it garners me anti-facebookmore hours.  And more $$$$$  However, now that my undergrad loan ran out of payment options and I MUST pay an extra $200 a month, I’m a little worried about the health insurance I’m also now forced to get.  What happened to “free” health care for everyone?  This was not what I voted for!  I really have to make time to research all this insurance crap so I don’t get into trouble financially.  One.  More.  Thing.  I looked into some options, though I’m ignorant of all the jargon and terminology.  I make too much money (how is that even possible?) for Medicaid.  There’s some alternate (low-income, I think?) option for Medicaid rejects, and in trying to take the screening to see if I qualified for that, I may or may not have signed myself up for some catastrophe insurance that really is no different from the no coverage I have now–except if I’m hit by a bus.  What.  a.  Waste.  What happened to all employers paying for this?!

Drinking.  In the month, there has only been a handful of special occasions when I have partaken.  Except, the DMB TXamounts were not great.  I need to moderate both the instances and quantities.

Cool.  Still dealing with medication/memory issues.  Had a melt-down just yesterday.  We have to help her remember to take all her meds when she is supposed to take them.  Hopefully, we can work out a more reliable system for doing that.  We love fall though, and are excited for Green Bluff, scary movies, and Halloween.  So there’s a motivator to get on, and stay on the right track.  Also, I’m home with her more often now that my schedule has changed, so I can help remind more often.

School.  I slipped a little.  If not just in my mentality.  I still went through all the same motions, but IN my head CI 10school was just a little lower priority then it should have been.  I am reformed and straightened out now.  Work doesn’t matter.  Fun is on the back burner.  School is what’s going to move my life along toward my ultimate goals and I am back in it whole-heartedly.  I even worked ahead a little yesterday.  I’ll get more ahead this weekend.  But not too hard-core to where I need a huge break.  I’m going to do study things daily, per the usual, but I can squeeze in an hour of relaxation too.  More balance is called for to break the pattern I’m in.

Food.  When I’m studying and bored or when I’m tired and stressed–it’s really easy to over-do it.  Then, when there’s no time to grocery shop and plan ahead like I should I do things like polish off an entire box of wheat Thins (or Doritoes) in one sitting.  I don’t want to do that.  This makes me crazy, and once you do it–makes it that much easier to do it again.  Food is a slippery slope.  And I have absolutely no In between seasons 024self-control.  I need to go to Grocery Outlet–with a list–at least every other week.  And cook things that are at least neutral, if not healthy.  We went grocery shopping, with a list, yesterday.  And I treadmilled after eating my yummy crock-pot taco unhealthiness.  So I felt OK about it.  Now to get out of my jammies and to the Grocery Outlet EVERY week. . .

I did however, do a great job flossing every day.  I guess I just need to remember my biggest goals and plug away at those.  I need to see that even one slip-up doesn’t have to mean letting go of the aspiration entirely.  Stop being perfectionist, because it is counter-productive right now.  [And it makes me need to chill out later–too much] I’m hopeful about establishing more neutrality with a balance of both responsibility and fun next month.

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Scripture is a Distance-Maker

27 Jun

Mostly it makes me sad when Dayton has ignorant, hateful, judgments.

Here is my rambling rant sadness:  And quoting verse only creates more of a divide.  When religious people dehumanize thegod hates fag idiot argument and start quoting verses, it does 2 things:  Quickly renders the more liberal or gay person quiet–as they (usually) cannot, from memory, quote opposing verses.  Squarely places the argument inside a book that does not have an equal value to each side of the argument.  The church person has placed faith into the word of the book as coming straight from God, while the other side, may think the book is inaccurate, pieced together by the most influential people of the day, interpreted in such a way as to accomplish current ends, and not scientifically proven.  No matter what the thoughts about the Bible, each side is now focusing on its contents rather than the current effects on actual human lives and relationships.

What I think church is supposed to do for people:

-Give them a safe, hopeful feeling because life, choices, death, and the after-life are in someone else’s capable hands.

*This requires faith.

-Bring people closer together.  Through common beliefs, values, and goals.

*This means pledging allegiance to the doctrine, attending group services and events, and having a common cause.

-Support those less fortunate and educate them.

*”less fortunate” is subjective, as in the case of Native Americans.  Educate means indoctrinate into the popularly held religious convictions.

rainbow 3 (2)I’m not saying these goals or the requirements to achieve them are right or wrong.  Religion can be a very positive, uplifting thing.  BUT we have to remember religion is an institution with a power structure.  And capital behind it.  So good intentions can be skewed by those at the top in order to make money ultimately.  Churches need more and increasing members to pay their bills.  They need those people to unquestioningly act for their church.  And the goals may get icky depending on the political agenda of the leaders.

So back to Dayton.  A small, conservative town, where the biggest employer is the school district.  This means most education goes as high as a Masters degree.  It also means the incomes stop in the $50,000/year mark.  If that.  And peopleVC cemetary may or may not have experienced travel and diversity.  I suspect most people have taken 1-2 big trips to other cultures and viewpoints if any.  So I’m not judging my town, but there are reasons they may have a more narrow life view.

Instead of judgement, I would like to see compassion.  Instead of heated arguments about verse, I want each side to stand in the shoes of the other party.  Really, I believe arguing with a fool–makes two.  I think the best way to handle such hateful attitudes is to be that person that lives an upstanding life.  A person that those Dayton people didn’t realize was gay.  It would show them the same person they always knew and liked, is still the same despite being gay too.  That is what really makes people change their views–knowing someone personally who doesn’t fall under the stereotypes.  Someone good, and kind, and educated.  I hope by living an upstanding life, and showing people through my actions that their hate and judgement is wrong–not the way I love, that real change can occur.

And I’m proud of my mom for having the courage and inclination to post a gay-positive sentiment on her Facebook, even if it was quickly shot down by well-intentioned, though ignorant people of Dayton.  I hope that doesn’t discourage her from changing her own mind to a more accepting viewpoint.

In Livid Color

22 May

The basement at work was a mess!  A fucking mess–yeah, the f-word was warranted.

earthquake 1

I didn’t want to do it.  It was a horrid mess and dangerous and disorganized, and I knew I COULD do a great job with it.  But I also knew it would take time, be dirty, hard work, and everyone would be mad. Because everyone at my work (all vet hospitals everywhere?) hates change, and cleaning would mean moving things.  I also knew, whatever work I did would be immediately undone.  Undone by both people wanting the OLD way back, and by people haphazardly shoving things where they didn’t belong.  So I realized it would be a challenge and any benefits wouldn’t last.

So I left it alone for 3 years.  I wanted nothing to do with that tedious job when all the thanks I would get was anger over change, and then, the same ol’ mess.  But then, my boss was talking about having us clean it to be legit for OSHA.  And really, that’s important.  What if a cat got down there and was poisoned by Monsanto?  What if a co-worker was hurt by a sharp tool while trying to grab food?  It WAS a task that needed doing.

And having to clean it as a group, during work hours, while being interrupted by clients, would be worse then just doing a good job of it during off hours by myself.  So I reluctantly volunteered to get it done before the business day started on Wednesdays when I’m there by myself cleaning anyway.  But I gave the disclaimer that I would have to move things, and I must be able to do it in grubby clothes as well as uninterrupted –over 3 or 4 Wednesdays.

My boss was amicable to those conditions (this was a job that really needed doing and of course nobody wanted to do it) so I jumped in whole-heartedly.  I figured if I was going to do it at all, I was going to do it RIGHT.  And I really did.  I was invested.

Honestly, I couldn’t have had a better attitude about the whole thing.  And I could not have worked harder, or done a better job.  I picked piles of random items off the dusty floor, organized piles of like items, scrutinized shelf-space to see where common items could be grouped together, and did heavy lifting and tedious organizing.  All of the chemicals went into rubbermaid boxes, all sharp objects into a lockable closet.  The basement slowly transformed from a dangerous vortex of chemicals and lost things and unknown garbage, into a safe, functional, visually-appealing storage room.

tornado

The trouble came with the storage of Rx food.  You see, our receptionist tracks it, orders it, and sells a good majority of it.  And SHE is probably the most anti-change person at work.  But my work had the dumbest system in place for years.  The canned food was strewn around the basement, but the dry food was stored in the tiny isolation room upstairs.  Then, orders of dog food were set upon tables in the midst of the basement.  It was a real mess, and totally impractical–but I knew changing it would cause strife because that’s the way everyone was used to it.

But only thinking of functionality, order, and ease for EVERYone at work, I preceded to stack it nicely.  I moved the canned flats from a small shelf, a small side-mounted cupboard,  the bench, and a couple of side shelves to one larger set of shelves, where it could be in one easy to see location.  And this went over well with all staff.  Lovely surprise to me!

But then I had an extra empty shelf.  And I knew it would get cluttered with disorganized crap right away if I didn’t fill it.  So I thought–what can I put there?  And it came to me–it would really be ideal to have all the food in one place.  I’ll move the dry food from the top floor to the basement.  But there was a series of hoops to jump through:  The small shelves were fastened to the wall (2nd vet pried them off for me), the shelf upstairs was heavy (my boss carted it down the stairs with me), the shelf we just struggled to get downstairs wouldn’t fit down the basement stairs (3 people helped disassemble those shelves), those shelves were weird to put together (the book-keeper helped me re-build them), there was a large amount of dry food in stock to carry down 2 flights of stairs (3 of us hauled them over an hour).  Got all that?  So there was nothing easy about moving the dry food to the basement so all the food could be in one place.  AND everyone (except the receptionist) helped accomplish it.  But it would be easy, and worthwhile, and practical so it was all worth it.

I came in early to work on part 3 of the basement project (the side room containing Christmas decorations, I131 leftovers, and large yard items) and to my surprise half of the main room had been disassembled.  Similar items I had so carefully stacked off the floor were tossed to the floor randomly.  I’m sure if it had been any easier of a job, I would have come in to the dry food placed in its former locale.  The food looked much as it had before I touched it–with the addition of all the dry.  On the order of 6 groupings of items were moved out of probably hundreds, but it was an affront none-the-less.  They (the spoiled receptionist) had carelessly un-organized my work.  And I’m sure there had been a hissy fit about the changes I’d made.

They (namely, my boss, who ultimately controls all aspects of the hospital) let her move things back where they were.  Under the pretense there was no room for the new food.  Which I KNOW is B.S., because they also moved food I already found a place for, back to the middle.  I’m sure it was all about being change-averse.

DisasTER

Tears came to my eyes.  They had figuratively punched me in the stomach.  All of my hard work, it felt like, was compromised.  Why continue cleaning and organizing?  They were sure to hate it and ruin it anyway. . .  Then, the more I thought about it–the less sad I was and the madder I became.  WHY would they be so thankless about my working so hard to make all of our lives easier?  More importantly, why was this allowed?  I had to say something.  I had worked too hard to apologize for moving things.  I had gone too far, to let them selfishly destroy it.  This wasn’t right.

When my boss came in, I truthfully told her I almost cried when I saw the basement.  And true to form, she (hating confrontation and wanting everyone to like her) said she had nothing to do with it. And I told her she put me in a bad position then didn’t have the decency to protect me when the going got rough (receptionist temper-tantrum).  Then everyone made excuses that there wasn’t enough room.  Which they just may have believed.  Because vets don’t pay attention to details such as who is doing what work, or how big the food stock is normally.

And now they are buying another shelf.  Because they really think there was not enough room–when I know very well there are 3 empty shelves down there and isn’t it funny the tables are set up exactly as before?  Maybe I’ll learn one of these days not to put myself out there by doing anything extra, because I know where my boss’ allegiance lies–and they are not with me.

volcano 1

On the plus side when my boss “offered” me to work “some extra hours” translation:  Wanted me to work full-time over the summer for no full-time benefits, I had no problem saying an unequivocal no.  If I hadn’t been through the incident that morning I would have taken on extra hours I don’t want or need, out of pure guilt.  So there’s that. . .

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“Dreams. I Have Dreams.”

23 Jan

In my dream last night, Brandi Carlile was the feature.  Cool and my parents and I were in Reno, Brandi Carlile 3and on a marquee for one of the hotel/casinos it said Brandi was to sign autographs during some [unremembered or unknown] time-span!  So of course we went.  But obviously, I did not have any merch, CDs, or anything appropriate for Brandi to sign.  So my mom gave me this picture she had recently taken of the inside of one of the hotel rooms at that particular casino’s hotel.  It was your indistinct, room with two made beds.  But it was something.

Brandi Carlile 4Because we were in Nevada, not as many people had heard of Ms. Carlile, so there was no giant line!  Lucky!  I walked right up to the table she was sitting at.  Unfortunetly, since I had just been hanging out with family, I did not look adorable in any way.  I was wearing some ball cap.  When I got up there, I couldn’t think of anything to say either.  And just held out my awkward picture for her to sign the back of.

Seeing a person in a cap, with a weird hotel room pic, Brandi assumed I was a tourist  and probably a foreign one.  She kept saying things like, “Welcome to the West!”  and “You should see such-and-such landmark while you’re in town.”  And even though I grew up in Brandi Carlile 5Northern Nevada, and spent the majority of my life in the West, I didn’t correct her.  Because that would be (more?) awkward.  And if Brandi Carlile assumes you’re a tourist, you just go with it.

And she handed back the signed pic, and had written a fairly lengthy autograph on the back [yay!].  But it was in a scrawl that I couldn’t decipher, so I had to have my mom (who is well-versed in 3rd grade handwriting) read it to me.  And it continued on the same, “Welcome to, and enjoy the west track.”  So not as relevant to me as I had hoped.  Then, I moved the picture, and a portion of the ink smeared.  Very unlucky.  This was not going to make a very good memory–or story.

Brandi Carlile 6And I woke up feeling very luckless indeed, despite getting Brandi Carlile’s autograph and not having to wait in an obnoxiously long line to get it.  I’m hoping one day I can get it for real when I’m awake.  One day while we’re both stoll young, too.  And I hope it goes nothing like the awkward parts of the dream, but everything like the non-waiting, no planning, no trouble parts.  Maybe I ought to carry some Brandi merch and CDs with me wherever I go. . .  Just in case.  Lesson learned.

Mirrors and Reflection (New Year–>New Life, Part 1)

31 Dec

It is that time again.  The time to look back, make changes, then look forward.

Moments of 2012.  I’ll do the countdown of BEST moments of the year in another post.  This is more an evaluation of life-areas:

working at Cat's MeowWork was, in general, a negative and stressful experience.  And yet I apparently don’t dislike it enough to really turn my life upside-down and find a new one.  Because it IS possible to get a new job.  Which I suppose, gives me very little room to complain.  The mantra regarding work–just bide my time until I can move out of Spokane, and into a real career.  Also, think long-term–don’t let them use me up.  Cost-benefit analysis.

Love.  Cool and I had more ups then downs this year.  There are many changes I want her to make, but all-said we still share love.  More on this in goals.

School.  Overall, I enjoyed my classes.  The paperwork, the loan debacles, the staff, the professors? THE shirt posterior Not so much.  Again, these things just come with the territory, plus they are not pervasive enough to make me want to leave all-together.  And it’s pretty much the story for any college, so they is no escaping anyway.  I DO love to learn, and especially like the opportunity to do things the right way–like I wish I could have done in Missouri.  It feels like a second chance, and feels good to build a viable future.

IMG_20110716_184322Money is tough.  Obviously, it’s difficult to pay bills, save, and still feel like a person.  2012 was not a great year for moderating restaurant eating.  I think this is because coming home to an empty house, while tired, just made eating out the easiest choice.  This next year I’m going to make sure Grocery Outlet trip occur every other week–but I guess that’s more of a goal then an assessment.  My finances need a little more discipline then I had in 2013 is the big story.

Family was probably not the greatest in 2012.  My parents (Mom) and I had a “thing.”  And we didn’t talk on the phone for months.  I cancelled my Montana plans because the extended family acted like $hit-heads toward me.  My mother-in-law is toxic.  Things to be learned here–if you can’t cut out the toxic, One:  Minimize the time spent with (or thinking about) them.  Two:  Just let go.  This is not to say, don’t hold them responsible for their actions, but don’t dwell either.  Just know they are crazy/selfish and write it off.  No need to be preoccupied by this crap like I was in 2012.

Exercise.  2012 was one of my best years since high school for physical fitness.  We belonged to the YMCA–and actually went often.  Then, we actually ran at the all-weather track frequently.  I really liked the fitness, and what it did for my body.  EXCEPT, as soon as the weather turned, I became sedentary again.  And now feel bad, unhealthy, and guilty.  So this needs work in the cold.  A cold weather plan can fix this one.

Food per the usual was bad, bad, bad.  Cookie dough for breakfast?  Yes, please!  I already feel fell, my cat cookiebut there’s more pie–I’ll take it.  Produce?  What is that???  I don’t mind a diet, and I do not limit myself in any way.  Luckily, I am naturally thin, but I can’t say I’m all that healthy.  So without going crazy over it, I’m just going to try to limit sugar, eat decent portions (at meal times).  Which also is more a goal then a reflection.

August 2011 105Drinking.  My numbers here are still too high.  I deliberate publishing them, because I don’t want this to become anybody’s ammunition.  But I want to hold myself accountable.  So maybe I can post a number that I know, but the reference would be too obscure for someone else to interpret.  196 too many.  This number is wrong and I know it. This year is the year I change it. I just have to DO it. That’s all there is to it.

Walking on Eggshells

6 Dec

The mother-in-law.  And I hesitate to write that just because it’s SO cliche’.  Now, you might get the impression I’m disagreeable.  Which IS the case many times.  But it’s not because I TRY to be ornery.  And it isn’t because I LIKE drama.  No, no.  I hate drama and strife a lot, actually.  But I do require that everyone around me treat me a certain way.  And I will stand up to those who don’t.  I am unable to be phony, and I am unable to stay quiet while being mistreated.  So that leads to a lot of problems.  People don’t like being called on their $hit.

Here’s the story:

-I bought tickets to see Brandi Carlile at the Seattle Symphony for Saturday.

-Even though, we could have driven to Seattle and back over the weekend, I suggested we go early so we could spend Thanksgiving with Cool’s family.

-Both Cool and I had to take time of work to accomplish the family Thanksgiving.

-We could have easily stayed IN the city with my Auntie (who we lived with for a time) or friends.

-We got to Cool’s family’s house at 5AM and went straight to bed.  At 7:30 or 8AM, I woke up and woke Cool up.  I figured we had come this far, and rearranged plans so Cool and her mom had better spend some time together.

-When we went out to the living room, Cool’s mom (in an accusatory voice) asked why we were up.  We said we wanted to visit, then Cool’s mom turns to her baby and says, “Aren’t YOU tired?”  And Cool (who’s tired 24/7) said she was.

-This is literal now:  Cool’s mom turns to me and says, “Just because you’re awake means everybody has to be awake?”  So great.  You’d think she’d want Cool to be awake so she could see her, but any excuse to direct animosity toward me, right?

-Later we began to unload our belongings from the car.  Cool’s mom requested we bring 1 thing for dinner:  2 bottles of wine.  Thanksgiving morning, Cool drops one of the wine bottles onto the driveway, crushing it.

-TWO bottles of wine were so important to her mother that she sent us with money to the store to get a new bottle.

-Even though I am ethically opposed to shopping on Thanksgiving, I went (to appease her mother) without saying a word about my morals.

-When we came back, Cool’s mom said the bottle was too small and called Cool’s sister asking HER to bring another bottle (3rd) of wine.  This is on top of whatever alcohol was already in the house.

-During the evening, every single person there drank.  Including Cool’s mother.  Cool and I had brought our own beer.

-Wine has a higher alcohol content then beer.  Double, sometimes even more, I think.  And I was refilling everybody’s wine glasses.  It was a holiday after all.

-Cool’s mother didn’t say anything to anyone about drinking.

-No one was sloppy, drunk.  And Cool and I were sleeping there, not out partying, not driving anywhere.

-At the end of the night, Cool’s mom kept saying things (just to me) like, “You’re awfully social.”  Or, “Aren’t you cheerful?”  Kind of insinuating I was trashed.  Can’t a girl just have a good time at her VERY FIRST extended family Thanksgiving?

-I told a story to Cool, her step-dad, and her mom, and there was no reaction and no comment.  Just blank stares from all 3.  Crickets.  So, thinking they weren’t paying attention, or were old and couldn’t hear me (they are), I repeated the story.

-Not that the above should even matter.

-At that point, Cool’s mom got UGLY with me.  She insinuated I was drunk and sloppy and didn’t know what I was saying.

-Not wanting to have a huge confrontation, or to disrespect Cool’s mother (even though she was completely out of line) I said, “That’s it, I’m going to bed.”  And got up and went to the guest room.

-Cool, Momma’s Girl that she is, followed me and said, “She was just kidding!”  Because Cool doesn’t understand intention, and thinks just because something isn’t explicitly stated, it doesn’t exist.

-No, no way.  Cool’s mother was implicitly stating that I was some sort of sloppy drunk, and I do NOT deserve to be treated that way.  Nor was I drunk.  Or sloppy.

-Cut to Friday morning.  Which, by the way, we could have spent in Seattle, but didn’t.  I thought Cool should maximize time with her family.

-Cool’s Mom, specifically asked me how I was feeling in the morning–insinuating that I was probably hung-over (I wasn’t, because that would have required me to be drunk at some point, which I wasn’t).

-I spent the most awkward of mornings, turned to day studying while Cool and her mom watched TV/internet-ed/slept, without talking much.  I knew if I went to another room to study it would be seen as rude.  So I just studied my anatomy in the living room.

-I had initially wanted to go to ZOO Lights.  Cool’s mom wanted to go to just a plain lights because you could sit in the car, so I conceded  without prodding.  I knew it would be difficult for her to get around with her COPD and Oxygen tanks.

-Also, when it came time to pay for said light display, I held out MY $10.  And despite saying, “here’s our portion” and also having my hand, coming from the direction I was sitting, Cool’s mom goes, “Keep your money, Rebecca.”  Not acknowledging that I was the one trying to be polite.  (Cool had no cash on her, nor did she offer to pay)

-Also on Friday, Cool told her mom we were leaving for Seattle the next morning.  Her mom got the shittiest tone in her voice, and asked why so early.  She didn’t understand why we had to leave Saturday.  She couldn’t understand why we weren’t coming back to her house after the concert.  What about driving in the dark (We had driven from Spokane from midnight Wednesday when Cool got off work  until 5AM–with no questions/concerns from her mom)?  Why did we have to leave Sunday morning anyway?  On and on in an explosion of accusatory anger (directed implicitly at me).

-After we left, I asked Cool why she never stands up to her mother on my behalf.  As my mate, I think this should come naturally to her.  And get this irony–Cool said she didn’t remember the incident on Thanksgiving–she had blacked out??!

-So miss perfect sat by, black-out-drunk, while her mommy attacked ME for being drunk.

-After I nag Cool, to talk to her mother (which I’m certain her mother knows who is behind the talk) my mother-in-law leaves a note on my Facebook wall for all to see:  “I’m sorry you were mad when you left.  We do like you.  You’re welcome to stay over any time.”

-Let’s break that down, shall we?  I’m sorry YOU were mad.  Meaning, I’m sorry that you’re high maintenance and made my daughter upset with me.

-We do like you.  As if that was ever a question. Or relevant.  I don’t care if Cool’s mom likes me or not (she never will) but I do demand she treat me with the same courtesy and respect that I treat her with.

-And you’re welcome to come back–meaning if you don’t come, my baby will also stay away-waaaiiiiiillll.  And to that I say, Not.  On.  Your.  Life.  Woman.  Cool can do what she wants (if she plans it and pays for it) but I am not putting myself in that situation any more.  It never goes well for me.  Cool’s mom is toxic, and she’s officially extricated from my life in any meaningful capacity.

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Temptation

28 Sep

It feels just awful.

Fall is in the air.  Green Bluff Apple Fesitval with it llamas and you-pick produce are open and ready for me.  OktoberFests are beginning–I was invited to one and heard about two additional ones.  Hot air balloons–really?!  Invitation to pizza on the patio after work.  Fall brews are on tap everywhere.  I LOVE a festival!!!  There is running to be done–I want to set some PRs in this crisp air.  Horror movie marathons and pizza-baking need to commence.  Cool is ready to play.  I want to play!

And yet.

On Tuesday I have an Anatomy exam.  And I had to work all day today, half a day tomorrow, and all day Monday.  Which leaves the weekend to study.  And it makes me feel like I’m missing out.  Like I’ve always missed out.  When I worked so many hours, every other weekend, and all holidays at Noah’s Ark–I knew one day it would pay off.  When I worked on Chemistry pre-labs, physics practice problems, and balanced diets for Nutrition instead of going out with friends–I knew one day I could have all the fun I wanted.

And yet–I’m here.  I missed out, and yet I’m still back at square one instead of reaping the rewards of my hard work.  And I feel sorry for myself.  And tempted to blow off the hard-core studying I know I should do to get that SUPER-important A on exam 2, A+ in Anatomy, and that 4.0 GPA.  So instead of thinking about all the fun I’m missing this weekend, here is something to remind me of why school is so important:

This time is different from undergrad and pre-vet.

I will have tried my absolute best in this class.

I can draw on my anatomical knowledge in the future.

This will help prepare me for grad/doctorate school.

It will feel good to look at that exam and be confident that I know the answers.

Nothing feels worse then looking at a test and knowing nothing.

Except maybe looking at a poor grade written at the top of your test.

This way, I won’t always have to play catch-up with grades.

It’s MUCH easier to keep an A, then be on the stupid borderline.

My liver doesn’t need all that beer anyway.

I can always study my cheat sheets while taking a walk outside.

I’ll feel rested at work on Monday.

Fall is just beginning.  Even if I miss it–I get a Thanksgiving and X-mas break.

Not going will save money.

I can really succeed at this major in this school, if I put effort towards it.

An exam Tues allows me to get ahead the rest of the wk (when study time is built in to my schedule)

The festivals will feel better if I attend them after I’ve aced the test.

I can move someplace I truly like.

There will be countless festivals and concerts in Boulder.

I can get a job that is satisfying and that takes me places in life.

And I’ll have a better schedule.

One day I can sit back and relax b/c I’ll have made good money at a career.

So, it’s time for me to buckle down.  I can do it, because this is important to me.  I’ve rearranged everything in my life to put school first–so now I just need to do it.  Quit thinking about things I’m missing, and think instead of what a great opportunity and second start this is.  How this is my way out of depressing life circumstances.  And I really do want to do well.

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Money or Happiness?

26 Jun

It seems as if you don’t get both.  And right now it seems to me like having money would BRING happiness.  It would sure be nice to be able to buy things on a whim, eat what I want, get a gym membership, pay for school and textbooks, stop working. . .  I’m seriously jealous of the people that are able to live like that.

That will never be my life.

I know that I will never have an overabundance of money.  I will always have to watch my finances and worry about some unforeseen expense ruining me.  I’ll never have a house, and I’ll never travel Europe.  My Triple A membership magazine gave discounted pricing for a cruise to Italy ($7K+) which I had never before even fathomed.  Not that I really want to do either (except maybe the cruise to Italy, because the bathroom situation would be OK)–but I couldn’t afford it if I did want to.  Which I don’t know if it’s easier to know these things now so I don’t have all this false hope that it could happen for me one day.  Or if it’s just disappointing knowing that will never be something I can have/do.

It’s hard to see that far ahead.  I WISH that I could have enough money that at least I could be comfortable and not worry all the time.  Not super-rich, or even rich, but at least have enough that it wouldn’t be a serious pain in the ass to do something simple–like laundry.  This coin-op, out of my house stuff, like seriously sucks.  One day, I just want to be able to be in my cool loft, see an occasional concert, and eat really yummy food always.  And maybe go to Australia.  And that cruise to Italy–because who doesn’t want to eat some serious carbs and drink awesome wine?!

I want both, really.  I want stability, ability to pay the bills, but a healthy psyche as well.  Right now, I feel like I don’t have either.  I WISH I could be confident I could get another job where I wasn’t miserable/stressed/resentful.  If such a job even exists.  But I’m afraid.  Fearful I won’t find anything.  Or that I’ll get into a worse situation.

For now I just have to wait.  More.  And I’m just terrible at that!

Who Holds the Cards?

23 Jun

In a job–it’s mostly the employer.  Why do you think so many people aspire to be their own boss?  Sure, I could get a job almost anywhere my resume’ (and luck) allowed, but the rules AT the job–completely out of my control.  Employees are completely dependent on the whims of management.  It’s not as if I think work should be a democracy–that’s not it at all.  I think being wholly dependent is a bad place to be in.  I have never liked being up against a wall.

I was upset when my boss yanked away my insurance and changed the number of hours required to be a full-time employee (just for me?) seemingly instantaneously.  And it wasn’t really losing the health insurance–though lack of notice was crappy.  I never really used it anyway:  My wisdom teeth were paid for using Care Credit.  And the one medical thing I use–dentistry–not covered.  At all.  More on THIS in a later post.  So losing something I never used (or wanted) in the first place didn’t matter all that much.  Though maybe I should bite the bullet and hurry to get a new pair of frames since the last time I got glasses was in 2008.  Luckily, I was smart enough to get a huge supply of contacts while living in the (cheaper) Midwest, so I still have plenty of those. . .

Back to the injustice:  It wasn’t really the amount of hours to be considered full-time I had a big problem with. . .  Though I can tell you I will be unhappy if EVERY employee does not have to adhere to the new rules.  If someone doesn’t work the NEW amount of full-time hours, yet still gets any of the perks (vacation) of full-time it will make me irate.  It shouldn’t always just be me getting the short end of every stick around there.

What made me upset was more the realization that the Employee Manual was just an empty symbol.  This new decision, reached on short notice, rendered every piece of information IN the manual meaningless.  This deviation showed my employer would jerk us around at will.  Don’t get me wrong I knew she could, but I thought the Employee Manual offered some guidance/expectation/and security for both sides.  Because somehow employer/employee relationships seem like a war–or at least strategic game.  We are made enemies by forming the management/subordinate relationship at all.

But I spoke my mind.  Though confrontation makes me uncomfortable.  And when I get heated, tears come annoyingly to my eyes making me look like an unstable, overwrought ball-sack (thanks mom) and I HATE that, because it always happens when I feel strongly about something and want to convey it in a clear way.  Which that last run-on sentence was not.  Clear, I mean.  So I got (annoyingly) teary, but held my ground.

And surprisingly my boss not only listened to my concerns, AND reconsidered the timing of the changes, BUT also said she supported me and would listen (and has in the past) to my reasonable concerns.  She went so far as to tell me I wouldn’t get fired.  Which was surprising to me.  And I suspect untrue as EVERYone has their limit of what they are willing to handle (I know I do).  It isn’t like I think my boss would purposely go out of her way to screw me over–but I know she might do it unintentially.  Or because I’m last on her employee-priority list.  If it came to me and someone else–I know she’d chose everyone else’s will over mine–mostly because this has happened before *cough-summer schedule*

So that’s the newest story.  Which makes me all the more excited to accumulate all the education I can, so I can climb higher in employment, make more money, and move out of here.

And though there was no good place in this post to state a disclaimer–>I meant to tell you, my readers, that starting soon, I will post every other day, instead of the every day (save for last Thursday, which I thought I had posted on).  I need to start getting in a school mindset and study anatomy more than I blog.

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4.5 Things About my New Schedule

4 Jun

I do not want to jinx it. . .  And I don’t want anyone to read too much into just one week.  Things can easily change.

But it was a weird, post holiday/vacation week, and slower than normal.  And.  I actually liked my new schedule?!  But only because the stars aligned perfectly, I think.

1.  The new schedule forced my half day to be Tuesday.  No bartering, guilting, bitching from co-workers, or worse, the boss.  And in my mind if I got cheated out of my Tuesday half day ALL the better–it would fall on Thursday.  A little less time with Dr. Makes Me Effing Crazy!

2.  My half day is adjacent to my day off, but early in the week when my productivity is higher.  I got a LOT done during that day and a half.  BUT maybe only because I also just came off of a three-day weekend.  So really, I worked a half day before getting the time off.  We’ll see how I like this next week after working busy Monday too.

But I liked it especially because,

3.  I usually go in really early every Friday (while everyone else shows up late).  My coworkers not only do not set up for Friday, they don’t bother to clean up from Thursday.  So I usually go in and do the huge stack of laundry, re-stock drawers, put things away, print cage cards, make files–you know cause Friday we are bombarded.  Also, because there is that scene after a day with messy doctor who doesn’t communicate, there is much general cleaning to be done in the morning before anyone else gets there.  And if there are hospitalized, I have no idea how many to expect or what they are there for.  Plus, my co-workers are a little apathetic on Fridays because it’s their last day before the weekend–when they’re off.

3.25 So this week, was better.  I still went in early Thursday, because of the above reasons, but it was a day after the clean doctor, who HAD to have her files written.  So instead of copying the (notoriously UNerased) board onto paper, I just cleared it.  And I had to clean up/set up from Wednesday, but Thursdays are not crazy-busy like Fridays.  So setting up was a lot easier than it is for Friday’s, urgency to be seen before paying emergency fees on the weekend, story.

3.8  And then, Friday morning, I knew how to budget my time.  Since I had cleaned up Thursday and set up for Friday the day before, I only had to go in early enough to take care of the hospitalized patients–and I knew how many and how intensive that would be.

Despite surviving,

4.  I just want to reiterate how UNcool it was that my schedule changed at all over the summer.  Even if I end up being neutral or somehow liking it. The way in which it was done devalued me as an employee and as a person.  And was obviously done entirely for the one scheming co-worker.  Who likes getting stepped on?  Especially when everyone else’s schedule stayed the same or improved.  I just have to keep thinking of my long-range goal and look forward to my fall hours.

4.5  I still fully distrust my coworker that initiated my summer change of schedule–that behavior was underhanded, manipulative, and NOT awesome.

At any rate, just 9 more weeks like this.  Maybe less if the fall schedule begins earlier in August.