The Memories

I remember when I saw you and when you said
you would show me where the Walmart was,
but you forgot and took me to your house instead.
It was desperation at first sight.
You were nice to me and treated me right.
I felt guilty, taught it’s not the looks, but what’s inside…

you invited me on a date, it was a hike…
so you could simultaneously walk your dog
I played with your dog, then itched my flea-bit ankles

I still feel the butterflies tingle when I think back to
kissing you all night your garlic tongue gouging me
making out on your dirty, curb-side couch, never cleaned
going back to the dorms with your wet spot on my jeans

I remember those sweet moments
you took me to a bar, then ordered a pitcher of beer I hate
at the resturant ordered my meal, despite my complaints
took me to meet your friends, talked over me, I was your trophy
you threw a party for me, with none of my friends, just your cronies

All those sentimental times flood back to me
we were supposed to go out, but you were hungover
when I injured myself you were full of fortitude,
told me to put on my shoes so I could meet up for food

our relationship was a dream come true, like Camalot
planned a romantic evening, then instead you smoked pot
so much chemistry, but with your brother, with me it’s fraught
laying on your bed with one untucked, threadbare blanket
in the middle of it all, started crying, no explanation

Awww, all the happiness and generosity
invited your family to stay in our house, and never told me
went on vacation during my busiest work week
you made out with some dude, then thought you would fuck me

NOPE!

 

broke up.. relief.. out of my misery
I stopped a flirtation out of courtesty
meanwhile you planned to kiss some skank so I could see
asked to be my friend, then would gaslight me
invited me to dinner then spent the meal texting Jocie
enticed me to a friendly trip to Saint Louis then left with her–smutty!

getting you out of my life was the best thing that ever happened to me
you are a calamity

She is a Lovely Gal

of course she’s funny
and takes her turn paying money
has boundaries, commands respect
use her name, don’t call her “honey”

sings with passion, right from her heart
she is studious, if not book-smart
always community-minded
she won’t shop at the damn Wal-Mart

offers her restaurant box to junkies
loves kitties and bunnies and puppies
sends her thank you cards
yeah, she delivers those warm fuzzies

pretty eyes, delightful smile
she is unique, has her own style
she knows to wait, shivers take awhile
the pleasure she gives: Verifiable

no one’s doormat, she’ll voice displeasure
but she is fun and she’s so clever
serious, spontaneous in equal measure
sends lovers into waves of pleasure

she works so hard, has determination
holds her own in conversation
that girl can get the mind wandering
moves her hips like a love invasion

What a girl, so sweet and loyal
firm body, does her cardio
cheeks like marble
treated You royal

Don’t you miss me? You were so crappy
Wish you still had that? I’ll bet you’re sad
you fucked up,
I’m the very best you ever had!

Monkey Pencil Song

Got in a bike accident

Tore my private parts real bad

Your friend arrived from afar

 guilted to go out to eat

Sat upon that wood bench

But like a monkey still I pinch

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Hold so tight

Even when [beat] it isn’t right

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Grasp and clutch

Even though [beat] it isn’t much

[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil

My loyalty [beat] is so prehensile!

Your work Halloween party

Bathroom in your bosses’ house

Tried to stick your hand up my skirt

I resisted- not in here

Found out you had bet your friends

You could slide home base with ease

But like a monkey still I squeeze

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Hold so tight

Even when [beat] it isn’t right

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Grasp and clutch

Even though [beat] it isn’t much

[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil

My loyalty [beat] is so prehensile!

Over 6 years of dating

both working the same bad job

You Listened to mean girl lies

You relished ambushing me

And threw me under the bus

You talked about them so Much

But like a monkey still I clutch

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Hold so tight

Even when [beat] it isn’t right

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Grasp and clutch

Even though [beat] it isn’t much

[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil

My loyalty [beat] is so prehensile!

[Outside in the frozen cold

Scraping my frosty windshield

You surprised me before work

Brought my favorite coffee

Drank the warmth and felt so snug

And like a monkey still I hug]

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Hold so tight

Especially when it all goes right

[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil

Grasp and clutch

Especially when the loves so much

[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil

My happiness [beat] is so prehensile!

Another Douche Poem in the Works

I was scared I would never meet another

How would I see them, where would I go?

You were up front, easy

feared I’d always be alone

I lept at the chance at dating

the alternative at home

don’t flatter yourself

that’s why I gave you the time of day

I didn’t find you attractive

but you were nice, all the same

I wasn’t sexually active

and that’s why I didn’t throw you away

when you proved to be bad in bed

and also crazy

stalling out on coming, crying in the bedsheets

just another day

Your controlling behavior was something I didn’t get

I had no context

nothing to compare it with other than my parents

Had no idea you’re a subset

not everything goes this way

I am not weak or small

Tried to put on a brave face

I can handle it all!

Your domination was tiring

I wanted to be my own person

you wanted me helpless, admiring

but I’m also not a flake

I had no one to turn to

my secret weighed heavy

even now, you’re one of my worst mistakes

Now, I wish I had dated a bevy

just for comparisons sake

Treated me like a trophy

manipulated the truth

gaslighted me constantly

worst yet-you wasted my youth

The audacity to leave me

when everyone knows who was the prize

hurt my ego-how embarrassing

I should have left you, in my eyes

yet I stuck it out

because I’m good and loyal

I don’t want you to think otherwise or have a doubt

I never loved you, I was just stuck

I hope you know the truth

you suck

I barely liked you

thought you were ugly, but felt sorry that I did

the guilt from my raising and your manipulation kept me

If I could go back in time, I’d renig

“Myspace Alicia”

I’m going through the 2014 albums while I study to write my end-of-the-year music blogs.  I know!  I haven’t posted 2013’s yet–but I’m still working on it.  Anyway, I got to Imogen Heap, and it reminds me very much of Douche.

It has been forever since I’ve written about Douche–mostly b/c I hate to think of that creep.  Also, because I finally accepted some people are sociopaths–no matter how well you thought you knew them.  Imogen Heap actually reminds me of Myspace Alicia, some 19 year old girl Douche attached to.  Imogen was this girl’s favorite and I know that because I used to scour her Myspace profile trying to understand.

At the time, I didn’t get that people played games.  I was naive that an older person (Douche) would hook a 19 year old just to show off how “cute” of a gal could be secured.  I didn’t get that Douche was maybe trying to make me–the world–envious.  At the time, I only looked and looked trying to see what the 2 could possibly have in common. . .

I hate Douche-still do, I’ll never stop.  I didn’t deserve that treatment, and didn’t understand where it was coming from at that time.  I had no idea you could be close to someone for 3 years but not know them at all.  I didn’t know there were sociopaths that adapted their personality to what they thought you wanted–did want–in order to manipulate.  And I didn’t know the extent people could play games after a break-up.  BUT knowing Douche did teach me lessons:  Don’t date someone b/c you feel shallow for not being attracted to them, if something seems too good to be true-it probably is, not everyone is going to be honest with you, not everyone has your best interests at heart, some people are just not meant to be understood, sometimes you have to let people (or the memory of who they were supposed to be) go.

I wonder if Myspace Alicia felt the same way in the end that I did–that it was a fake and a trick.  I hope Douche got (and is still getting) all the bad karma that is deserved.  Though I have no idea where that crazy is or what that evil is up to currently–thank goodness…

I like the new album even if it takes me back to that chapter of my life a little.

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I can’t stand Ani DiFranco

She can’t really sing, has repetitive chords, her spoken word stuff sucks, and no one that THINKS they’re profound actually is.  Lame.  I think what really gets me is her lyrics and her spoken word crap.  I can tell she thinks of herself as smart and clever and that’s a huge deal-breaker for me.  I find her trite, cliche, and pretentious.

Douche loved her.  Probably because Douche fancied herself profound.  So I went to an Ani concert in Columbia, Missouri once.  And it was PACKED.  She has a huge following and I don’t get why.  At the concert, I was unimpressed musically–she offers nothing special, and may have been on some sort of speed.  And I never like to hear about celebrities doing drugs.  It makes me feel very disappointed in them.  Philip Seymoure Hoffman’s overdose made me feel torn.  I never want to support a junkie, but I felt sorry for him too.  And he’s still my favorite actor, because he does really good work.  But Ani?  I think she’s on drugs and didn’t like her in the first place, so it’s one more strike against her.

I CAN say she was very. . .  Shoot I can’t think of the word I want.  It starts with a c.  She had sort of a spark about her that drew people to her and made you like her.  And the woman and gays of CoMo really, really came out in droves and cheered heartily for her every move.  But I still don’t.  Like her, I mean.

Plus, it irks me that like Angelina Jolie (who I don’t care for either) she is this lesbian icon.  But is she even a lesbian?  I think she has a husband and child?  I’m not sure about that as I don’t follow the news about her because I don’t like her.

I don’t know what I saw recently that compelled me to start this draft, but I thought I would stray from speech & hearing and vet stuff that I’ve been covering a lot lately, and write something a little gay and a little music.

 

 

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Protected: A Few (more) Things That Bother Me

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Un-Do It

I always think of Douche when I hear Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.  This might be because these were on heavy rotation at the peak of our break-up drama.  More likely, these artists remind me of what an effing loser Douche is, and how I’m WAAAAAAY better off without her, because the singers often rant about their terrible-exes.

Carrie Underwood’s lyrics perfectly describe my feelings about Douche. Some people are glad for every experience they have–good and bad–because they learn and grow from them. Those people feel that without those bad experiences that helped shape them, they wouldn’t be who and where they are today. Screw that.  I wish I had never met Douche.  I hope she is reading this right now.

I regret, regret, REGRET every feeling sorry enough for her to give her a chance in the first place.  And even sorrier that I was very dependable/dedicated–>read dumb<–and stayed around.  Miserable.  For 2 years.  And went through games for 2-ish more post break-up.  BAD-times.  The only thing Douche taught me is that some people are avert your eyes if you hate swearing fucking sociopaths to be avoided at all costs.  And not to be so dedicated–to anyone.  I will be happy if I never see that b!t(h again–for the rest of my life.

The only problem with cutting someone completely out of your life is you know longer know where they are to better avoid them.  But I’m pretty certain I’ll never run into Douche. . .  And it is far more important to never interact with her in any capacity ever again.  As such, I have her blocked on Facebook, so I don’t have to look at her ugly face or fatness, or hear her dumb commentary on mutual friend’s pages.  And so she can’t try to interact with me or spy on me either.

But–just this morning (this post was written one or two weeks ago), she commented on a mutual friend’s page!  She had changed her facebook account name or gotten a sketchy second account.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she did it to see MY page–b/c I had blocked her.  So I had to go through the trouble of blocking her second Facebook account-Lame.  Then I wondered if she had already seen anything of mine.  And it made me paranoid and agitated that I hadn’t searched around to make sure she wasn’t in multiple places.  Lurking pet accounts, anyone?  But it’s taken care of for now.

Though the joke is probably on me because Douche is more then likely reading my blog RIGHT now.  Wouldn’t that just be the way?  Anyway, I don’t want that mofo anywhere near me.  Rant over.

Dodged a Bullet

Here’s an older blog:

I was doing a little (more) Facebook stalking today.  Wait, lemme explain.  I got to wondering why Facbook recommends I friend Mary, and the hairdresser, and Fake-Ass Bitch Melissa from Noah’s Ark, but never Lori or Joci.  I dated Lori in 2006 and assume we still have some mutual friends.  So then, I wondered if she went so far as to block me. . .  Or if she was alive–she WAS a little reckless.

So I looked for her, and of course her entire profile was public.  She always was sort of an attention whore (because of low self-esteem?).  Anyway, her pics were the same.  Just no boundaries, sketchy drunk pictures, and personal quizzes.  Just out for all to see.  And she looked fat to me.  Joci’s was the same, and she still seemed temperamental and got fat as well.  And it looks like those two are on one another’s friend list, but don’t interact often.

Lori must have dropped out of Mizzou (again) because she is living in STL.  And working at some Ren Fest???  And her life’s ambition was working the night shift at the hotel–like she had been when I dated her.  What a fucking loser.

I guess that’s what you get when you meet your next girlfriend through an ex-girlfriend.  Lesson learned.  No one Douche knows is a winner.  Now I wonder what Douche is up to. . .  Next stalking mission?  Nah–I don’t care enough to unblock that stupid bitch.  Hopefully whatever she’s doing, wherever she is, she’s getting what she deserves.

Stay Away, Old Face [6-29-08]

You didn’t think I’d let THIS go did you?!  Read my diatribe, and feel appropriately embarrassed:

First of all, I want to say I stay out of the realm of my exes, even missing a fun-time or two in order to avoid an awkward situation.  I do not want a confrontation of public fulminations.  My exes don’t have the same respect, but their liberalness still surprises me when great audacity and permissiveness is shown and they DON’T maintain distance.  Some people have no boundaries!  THAT was always my biggest harangue with Douche.

Secondly, it’s one of my biggest pet-peeves when someone “loves” their animal so much, yet doesn’t act responsibly toward that pet.  Of course, I’m going to offer my invective on the matter, shit-head.  Not vaccinating an animal annually is lame—not updating shots for 3 years is neglect.  Putting an animal in a stressful situation aka Douche’s house, is asking for health trouble.  Mixing unvaccinated animals is retarded, by the way.  While we’re on the subject of pet care, feeding crappy food (yeah Nutro is just disguised crap) is going to hurt the pet’s health.  People who have pets SHOULD know, but Science Diet, Eukanuba, and Iams are the most nutritionally balanced foods on the market.  Also believing a pet store’s word over a veterinarian is dumb.  To continue common sense pet care advice, if you have a multi cat household, the rule is 1 litter box per cat + 1. This means if you have 3 cats, you need 4 litter boxes, 4 cats means 5 litter boxes, etc. . .  Oh, and you have to clean the litter box more than once a month.  The number 1 rule of owning an animal???  Don’t get a pet if you can’t afford to take care of it!

What a jeremiad, right?  But with good reason.  I bring it up, because Douche’s new GF (Old Face) strolls into MY work after not having been there for multiple years wanting a latitudinarian price plan.  I was so pissed they would have the audacity, and wish I had the nerve for a face-to-face tirade.  OK, you need some background on Old Face.  Believe it or not, I’m not just randomly mean to people.  Douche had a best friend for a year or two, for the sake of simplicity, we’ll call this friend “Manly.”  Manly and Douche were constantly seen together.  Also, Manly had been dating Old Face for a long time.  I’m not sure of the specifics, but possibly as long as 4 years.  Manly and Old Face had their problems.  I’m not sure how involved Douche was in these problems.  Probably heavily–pun intended.  Anyhow, Manly and Old Face break up and almost immediately afterward, Douche is dating Old Face.  This breaks one of the cardinal best friend rules—you don’t date your best friend’s ex—especially within such a short time span.  Sidenote:  Manly is out of the picture.  Douche no longer seen with Manly at all–just like that.  You knew of Douche’s non-existent morals, but this story illustrates that Old Face, also has questionable ethics.  Obloquy unnecessary–this sort of behavior is completely expected.  Her and Douche are perfect for each other. . .

Anyway, I was surprised they would come in such close proximity to me!  I also figured Old Face would go to the vet Douche does.  Not only does Douche go there, but my OTHER ex who happens to be friends with Old Face, works there. Got all that?  It’s a web of trashy that I would just assume not be involved in.  I’m not sure if Old Face actually does update vaccines at Douche’s vet and just wanted to take advantage of my clinic’s good prices, or if her pet, in fact, had not been vaccinated for years.  Either way coming to my work wasn’t a cool move.

At first, I felt awkward and wanted to avoid Old Face.  Then, I thought—no it is her who should feel awkward, this is MY place of work!  To drive home that point, I made sure to bring her animal to her when she came to pick it up.  I wanted to say a lot, but was very nervous and stressed so shakily said, “I didn’t expect to see YOU in here.”  I hope seeing me made Old Face feel awkward, but I couldn’t really tell.  What I wanted to do was lay out a long malediction about how just because she’s a cheap-ass does not give her the right to impede upon my territory.

My main point???  I don’t go to your bar or place of work–don’t come back to my clinic!!!