Tag Archives: drama

Moments of 2015-Bad

31 Dec

I see today (New Years Eve) as a day for reflection.  And I can’t say I’m sorry 2015 is over.  It wasn’t terrible, I’ve had much worse years.  But it wasn’t what I wanted either.  I like to know where I’m going, and in 2015 I never did.  I didn’t know if I would continue with school, and I didn’t know where my career would take me.  In the past, I’ve been severely disappointed when career objectives didn’t pan out, but this time I felt a calmness and grace about the situation.  Still, there is a dissatisfaction.  And now I’m left to really contemplate what I want in life.  But that’s a story for tomorrow, New Years Day, a day for goals and new beginnings.  Today I’ll post a few blogs about worst moments in 2015.  Which isn’t just picking the scabs of wounds, it’s thinking and it’s learning.  Seeing the worst times allows me to rearrange the circumstances to make next year better.

And again, I’m posting for the sake of time and forgoing a lot of re-writes.  I’ll edit later (maybe).

12TH WORST TIME OF 2015:  -Bob, at my new job, introducing himself as the janitor.  Trying to be funny, but offending me.  Insinuating of course he was much better than a crummy janitor.  He’s some client services administrator–big deal.  When he didn’t know that janitorial had been my very last job, and my father had been a custodian for 20 or 30 years.  What a D-bag.

11.  -Human drama at the YMCA.  Deb being all weird toward me because ???  and holding a grudge.  The churchy gal acting like a bitch and treating me like a lowly janitor.  Just coldness and unnecessary drama from people with nothing to keep their minds busy.  It was stupid, but even though I wasn’t invested in the drama, I noticed it, and had to DEAL with it.  Lame.

10.  -Rusty’s doors remaining half open in the winter.  Primarily because it rendered my remote start useless.  And obviously I NEED that.  I hate being cold.  So much so, that I had bought my own remote start and fought for them to put it in my manual–which is a liability for them and usually against the rules.  And I had always loved starting the car from inside the warm building.  But now it set off the alarm, because the doors were open just enough. . .

9.  -The unwelcoming, frosty environment at MSCL for my first 7 months working there.  NOBODY acknowledged me, talked to me, or anything.  I felt awkward and alone.  Those duds and douche-bags were the WORST!  Here’s an example:  I walk in as a brand new employee–and nobody (even my boss)  says hello.  Or I sneeze–and nobody says bless you or anything.  It was as if I was invisible.  I guess it’s because they have high turn-over, and they were change-averse.  And because it’s a lab, so people don’t have great any social skills.  But it still made me feel like it was ME.  And that brought back horrible memories of veterinary social problems that plagued my work life previously.  I had wanted new beginnings and to turn a corner in a new field–and this was not the start I’d hoped for.

8.  -Not getting into the UU AuD program, despite getting the 4.0, having extracurriculars, and working very hard on my application.  Was it the gay-themed activities I put on my application?  Bad interview answers?  Being from out-of-state?  I really don’t have any idea, and I feel like I should be in there.  Easily.  But this is toward the bottom of my disappointments (and the top of this list) because I’ve grown as a person, through my veterinary sagas.  I had to future plan, which wasn’t cool.  I still don’t know what I will do career-wise, which is scary and reeks of failure.  But I didn’t totally fall apart this time.  I took it in stride.  I do wonder how in the heck I didn’t get in that class, because I feel like I really deserved it and would have done an excellent job.  But I’m putting it on to them, not beating myself up over it.  And I’m not sure it’s what I want anyway.  I’m very disillusioned by the costs of school.  And I haven’t gotten ANY return on my undergrad investment.  And the forums scared me off of audiology a little, because they said Hearing Instrument Specialists can do almost exactly the same job, with NO school.  And they probably get paid equal or MORE than actual audiologists.  Also people talked about it being kind of a dead-end career, that’s highly redundant.  And I didn’t know if paying for 4 more years would even be worth it in the end.  But I’m still undecided, and haven’t closed the audiology door all the way.  Perhaps being 14th for a class of 12 was actually a favor to me. . .

7.  -When my parents insisted I call Dad’s chiropractor’s son about getting IN at Costco audiology–NOW, at the same time I frantically trying to complete a heavy-duty YWCA-UT job application and get ready for work at my current job.  They get overwrought and crazy and over-emotional, then there’s nothing for me to say or do to stop that crazy-train.  Unless I do what they say, when they say it, things fall apart quickly.  The whole thing just reminded me of every other time my parents tried to control me.  And how they were probably disappointed in me.  And that’s how the big horribleness of 2007 Cabin-Mansion had really kicked off the first time, so I was scared there would be a big blow up and subsequent melt-down of the relationship we had worked so hard to forge.

6.  -The meeting where work reneged on the full-time schedule, hours, and pay we had negotiated 3 days prior.  I had finagled the best schedule for my weekends, sleep, and time with Cool.  Everyone at work had left the meeting satisfied and happy.   They got coverage on a Sunday, which had been difficult to secure, I got Fridays and Saturdays off and a late-start Wednesday.  It was absolutely perfect and I commended myself for taking a chance and asking.  But 2 days later, they called me back in and told me I’d have to take the legit schedule I had applied for.  Because a girl (previously a bitch to me) who had more seniority, and was better at the job wanted to work Sunday.  And trying to please everyone, instead of defending me and the schedule they had promised me, they gave it to her.  So I felt betrayed (again) and like I had a much worse schedule.  But I also felt trapped.  What else would I do?  I needed this job, or it was back to veterinary assisting.  So I had to just accept it and deal with–while being really angry, frustrated, and un-trusting toward management–and that bitch.

5.  -When Cool picked a fight just 2 days after my good knows of getting a full-time job.  Cutting short my celebration.  Depression strikes this time.  Out of nowhere, Cool knocks the figurative wind out of me by acting like a major jerk.  It was awful, because I had just talked to my proud parents and had been super-ecstatic about my new job, and Cool knocked me down to a miserable level.  I was really sad about it, because I’m ALWAYS supporting Cool and she just didn’t have it in her to even pretend to return the favor–her depressive episode made it all about her.  Again.  I wished she could be supportive and celebrate with me, but instead her bipolar and selfishness ruined it all.  The memory of my new job is still tarnished.

4.  -Getting stuck with all the moving logistics, work, and most of the payments, because Cool went manic and in so doing abandoned me in a time of stress and need.  Which was the WORST because moving sucks anyway.  And there is so much to do and plan, and so much heavy physical work.  It wasn’t fair and I felt alone and unsupported.  Mental illness is the WORST sometimes.  It’s hard not to blame Cool, and that’s not really what I signed up for.  Cleaning the Spokompton apartment by myself was awful.  It was messy and there was so, so, so much left to do.  And it wasn’t fun, and I felt resentful that Cool had already started her job and couldn’t come do her share of the work.  Especially when I was cleaning things SHE had messed up.  Driving Rusty, alone, and wanting to come home and relax very badly, after such a tiring trip and no sleep.  Then walking into a messy house full of manic shenanigans, with a Craigslist ill-fitting futon we hadn’t talked about.  And dealing with having to clean and reconfigure everything, while dealing with a belligerent, unreasonable, manic person.  It was BAD.

3.  -Finding out I was just PRN (after they promised me something different in my interview).  I had interviewed over the phone for the job.  They said I was technically applying for a PRN job, but soon, they were posting a job with more regular hours.  That job was the same duties, but it was a year of guaranteed hours.  This PRN job, which had been posted was 25 hours a week for training, but then was substitute only.  Not stable, and not really what I wanted.  So they hired me during my phone interview, but told me they would call me when (slow) HR got around to posting the year-long job.  Then, I was to apply for that to make the paperwork legit, and that job would be mine.  I waited for the call to tell me that year-job had been posted and to complete that application.  And waited.  When I finally got the phone call from MSCL, they were wanting me to pick a start date for the as-needed job.  And pretended not to remember promising me the more stable-year long job.  I had written it down!  And the way my supervisor acted was callous–and I knew she remembered, but had just reneged.  But I had to take the lessor job, because what else was I going to do?  I needed an income after moving to a new state.  And sure enough on my first day of work, I found out they had hired a coworkers daughter for MY year-long job.  Nepotism had been at play, and as usual I got screwed at work.

2.  -The fear-phobia really, of being offered a job at a veterinary specialty hospital.  I had a sense of dread and sick feeling.  I should have never applied to veterinary hospitals, because my resume is just BUILT for them.  But I was feeling a little insecure and desperate about my guarenteed training 25 hours per week becoming true, as-needed.  I HAVE to work a minimum of 25 hours just to meet my bills, and that was soon to end.  And it’s my policy to ALWAYS interview for the practice if one is offered.  And while I know my veterinary experience is a major advantage in that field, I didn’t anticipate them loving me quite so much and being offered a full-time position on the spot.  The trouble was, it did seem like the best case scenario veterinary medicine could offer.  It was ONLY speciality referrals.  It was the BEST veterinarians in the state.  The hospital hirarchy was set up so there was a legitimate office manager and head vet tech to answer to–not the impulses of vets.  There was a true support system and everyone was on the same learning curve and truely didn’t leave you alone to fail.  And they seemed nice.  And said they didn’t yell–and I believed them.  And the technology was AWESOME.  They really had it all, not just the Idexx lab and digital x-ray.  Like ALL the toys, including MRI, and anything else spectacular.  But I had just such bad memories.  And I knew the schedules and the overwork, and the under-pay.  All the pit-falls, that really, I could no longer live with.  And it’s not what I want in life.  And the delimma was feeling like I HAD to take it, because I really had nothing else to fall back on, but feeling STRESS at the prospect of taking it.  In the end, I made the very, very difficult decision on not going backwards.  It was really hard (and brave) leaving veterinary assisting jobs in the first place, and I had done it for good reasons.  I had to keep up that bravery even when times got tough.  So I declined, but left the door open.  And they liked me so well, that they said to call any time I wanted a job.

  1.  VERY WORST 2015 MOMENT:  Thinking Goose might have thrown a clot to the leg, and worrying about his impending death, and worse, knowing there wasn’t a lot I could do to prevent it.  He randomly fell off the couch twice, and didn’t have use of his back leg.  It was too short to be a seizure (maybe) but didn’t have the pain of a thrombosis.  But my reference point was when the screaming cats had been brought to the vet.  Maybe there were precursor incidents at home that hadn’t been painful, and had gone ignored by owners–I didn’t know.  So of course, I thought the worst.  And I remembered the vets at Cats Meow preparing owners if there were any heart abnormalities.  Telling them to just make the decision to euthanize now, before emotions were involved, because once the clot was thrown, prognosis was grave.  And I remember the cats coming in-just screaming in horrible pain.  And owners saying it happened out of nowhere.  One day, the cat was fine, the next down in back and just SCREAMING.  It was awful to imagine that for my Goose.  And it’s still in the back of my mind, because he is a Maine Coon and they are notorious for heart issues.  But I’m hoping he was just being a clumsy dink, since it’s only happened twice, and the episodes were brief.

Focus UP!

27 Oct

I didn’t even want to write about this, because doing so gives it my energy, gives the problem some legitamacy, and lends credance to the issue.  My plan:  Write it down, get it out, move on.  This doctor at work, now speaks to me with the $hittiest inflection.  Very hostile and condescending and critical.  Yesterday, she cut me off mid-sentence, in essence telling me to shut the fu(k up.  I was so taken aback that an adult–a professional, no less–would conduct herself in such a manner, that I did not stand up for myself. . .

two-headed-snake

And I know she is just holding a grudge because I was super-stressed to work on her days, and my schedule (after 3 years) was finally changed.  A compromise was establishlished–I still work a portion of that day, and with that doctor-it’s just less.  But she liked my work (not necessarily me or my personality) on that day and is treating me with overt hostility as punishment.

And I know this is HER problem.  It has very little to do with me and the best thing to do is ignore it, let it roll off my back, continue working hard (like always) during my new schedule–without guilt or stress.  And I tell myself that I have dealt with MUCH worse–scapegoating by Mary once I knew too many of her secrets and hello, I was a cheerleader.  I’ve had waaay more severe bitchiness directed at me before.  And no good will come from showing any sort of reaction–whether it be an assertive comment that the treatment is inappropriate and won’t be tolerated, a phony “joke” alerting her that I realize this intentional behavior is going on and I don’t like it, or some sort of dirct confrontation *shudder*

But it’s hard.  The unfairness stays in the back of my mind.  I know I need to be the bigger person and ignore it.  I also know I could employ some sort of uncharacteristic obvious vulnerability so she can SEE I have feelings.  Cool says I come off “tough”–for lack of better word.  I seem resilaiant so people assume I can handle any amount of their BS and be fine.  I may have a hard exterior, but I’m quite soft and sensitive inside.  I practiced pouting yesterday, and it was very unnatural and humerous, indeed.  I could also be totally phony and upbeat despite the negativity from her, and make my life easier for myself.

deer 3

The main things to remember:

-it’s her deal–I don’t want to play into this or be THAT person.

-this doesn’t matter to my big goals

-I do not frequently see her

-I am out of HERE in 1.5 years tops.  Hopefully, a little sooner.

-thinking about this at all pulls my mind from what’s important–this week:  Hard test, house-sitting, “easier” class’ most difficult unit exam.  Winterizing.

That’s all the attention I’m giving this problem.  That’s all the energy she will take from me.

  • Focus (mylifeinmlm.wordpress.com)
Enhanced by Zemanta

Grad School App Checklist 10/13

4 Oct

I love the hours of my new schedule!  Not so much how everyone at work treats me because of it–but *read this* I do not care about their $hitty attitudes or their horribleness towards me.  I am not at work to make friends or have social hour.  Be cool all you want.  I got a chilly go home from the doctor really early today.  I think it was meant in a mean, stigmatizing way–but boy was I happy to be able to study in my jammies!  I wish I didn’t have to go to work at all on Friday.  Also, because I didn’t have to work all day, I actually got to go to my department’s session on how to apply to grad school.  My school always puts things on Fridays–so I’ve missed them for the last 2 years because of work.  Here are some of the things I want to remember:

-What to look for in a program:

**research interests of faculty

**clin praticum opportunities

**size of cohort/class

**lifestyle of location

===costs/scholarships!

-Visit prospective school

**an official visit, w/meeting of department

**meet faculty

**official tour

**talk to students in program to see how they like it

-make myself a notebook of each university I am applying to

–include criteria

–write due dates

–what info to send

–how much in fees

-3 letters of reccommendation

–from faculty

***it’s OK to req these via e-mail

***it is also OK to req a meeting w/that person–to get to know me FOR the letter writing

***give them:

++++CV/resume

=====GPA–whichever is used, just specify how I arrived at that #

=====work experiences

=====honors

=====volunteer/clin experiences

***put this info in a notebook w/table of contents to make it EZest possible for them to find info & write

***also make a checklist of what universities, what format, & dates of when these are due

***for things that I want them to be sure to mention–put a * or highlight or something

–letters from outsiders not weighted highly at all = don’t bother

Enhanced by Zemanta

Exam [continuation of multi-part story]

20 Sep

We just left my crazy morning frenzy.

I had to work in the morning, then my boss let me borrow her own watch for my exam–thank goodness.  And I felt extremely tired, but not nodding off or anything like that.  My professor had told us she really liked numbers.  That we ought to know all these statistics and incidence percentages and ratios and decimals she was giving us:  3-5% of at risk babies with HL; 3:1,000 well babies w/HL; 5.7 in 1000 of all babies with HL; 35% of those 65 yrs and up w/HL; 16-19 million working adults age 20-64 w/HL; etc, etc. etc. . .  She even took the (ample) time in class to have us scratch out the numbers printed on the power-point to give us the most recent data based on the newest census.  So I studied them–under protest because I think you can always look up the most current data online–no need to memorize irrelevant things.  But I did–and that still wasn’t asked on the test >-[  I wrote it in where ever I could so all that studying didn’t go to waste.

And when all was said and done, after my terrible weekend of non-studying, interrupted sleep, and awful morning–I got 103/108 on the thing.  I actually wonder what I missed–I felt like I aced it.  If intertragal notch is intra or something I could have messed that up.  Or I tend to make stupid errors–maybe my fatigue contributed to a skipped question or something. . .  I’ll have to look on Monday.

Did that seem a little anti-climactic after a 3-part intro?  Maybe it was.  I’m sorry, I’m a little tired.

You see, my problem day (everyone else’s that is) of my new schedule was today.  I was supposed to set them up for the morning and leave at 10 AM.  And I wanted everyone to see how valuable that is–even though they’re all mad about it now.  I didn’t want to leave anything undone for anyone to gripe about–and especially so my schedule doesn’t revert “because it doesn’t work.”  So it was of the utmost importance that I get to work early, clean, prep files and cages, take and type in the vitals, do the house cats–everything so that when everyone else came in all they had to do was the stuff coming in on Friday’s schedule.

Except my plan was derailed in a major way when work texted and said the power would be turned off from 5-7 AM.  That’s my go-time!  I would never get everything accomplished if I couldn’t start until 7. . .  What ever was I going to do???  I stressed out, tossed and turned, worried.  Do I go in late and not get anything done and give everyone more reason to be mad and complain about the schedule change?  Finally, I decided I would go in at the early time anyway.  I would do all the stuff. . .  By flashlight.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I got to work at 5:30 AM and cleaned the floors and both bathrooms, cleaned upstairs and medicated the house cats, took vitals on the hospitalized buddy and medicated and cleaned his kennel, restocked and watered–by flashlight and in the dark.  No one can say I’m a lazy slacker who doesn’t care enough about work, making the business suffer. . .  So needless to say it’s 7:24 PM and I’m going to bed.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Exam-Sham [Prelude]

17 Sep

Today I am back on track.  I woke up early, studied like I should, worked productively, ran at the track (it hurrt after 13 missed track-runs!), made study sheets, walked to class while studying flashcards, rewrote my notes, and read/outlined.   A perfect motivation day–not without much struggle to actually DO the things.  I’m not gonna lie–it was hard to buckle down, and I wanted to cheat several times–and almost did when time to run was facing me.  But I pulled through–as I will do for the rest of the semester.  But back to my shenanigans.

I’m having to read and outline 4 textbook chapters in one afternoon/night for next week’s impending exam in my more difficult course.  The syllabus has no dates for exams or assignments, but it does include the reading.  Except there’s an optional book on reserve on the library to confuse the issue.  I had read/outlined chap 1,2,3,4,9,11 and thought that was certainly all that was required in the first month of school.  I found out chapters 5,6,7,8 are also supposed to be read in that time.  That’s more than 451 pages of 12 font textbook type to wade through in 4 weeks!  More then 16 pages/week.  I think that’s right–I may be off since I just spent 3 straight hours reading and outlining hunt-&-peck style. . .  It seems a little insane, but I’m just glad I’m finding out why I’ve grown increasingly confused and frustrated during lecture.  This was due to a weirdly written syllabus and my own inability to read it–not irresponsibility–that’s coming up.

Anyway, here’s what contributed to this snafuu I’m in:

My first exam in my hearing anatomy class was Monday–worst day possible for a test since I have to work, go to school, then back to work.  And instead of studying like I feel comfortable with, everything was a lot.  Less.  I felt/feel guilty because that’s not the mentality I want-or the actions I would like to take.  I’m not an all-talk phony, I do really want that 4.0.  This was all very contrary to my overall goals.  That is not to say I didn’t study.  Don’t get me wrong–I always make flashcards directly after class and I study them at least daily, if not more.  And I had also drawn many figures for both a graded project and my personal study use.  And Cool quizzed me several times over the 4 days I took for the weekend.  It just wasn’t as much un-inturrupted, individual study as normally makes me feel confident.

And the short version (because I’m fatigued at staring at this screen and need to go to bed early in order to wake up at 4AM and study) of why my studying was neglectful–in list form:

BROOKE

–>Work:

stress, stress, stress!  Gossip, drama, confrontations.  More.  Stress.  Possible schedule change.

pug x 3

–>house-sitting:

Satellite TV, free wine and beer, and many animals wanting attention and care.  Add in a commute that shaves off 30 min of study time each direction.

state-fair-goats-1180213-blog

–>Fair:

Tickets that had to be used so that money wouldn’t go to waste.  Last weekend meant it was go or lose the (pre-paid) price of admission.

Tomorrow:  I’ll write about my pre-exam night of rest.

Enhanced by Zemanta

It Doesn’t Matter

24 Jul

File Under:  Trying to convince myself.

Purple = written today.  You know, this draft is super-old.  Maybe a year has passed (past?  Who cares?) since I wrote it.  I wasn’t going to post it since it’s so hostile and I don’t want ME in my blog portrayed as only mean and hateful.  It’s only a piece of my puzzle.  But there’s still a good lesson for myself w/in this post.  Even though my current work issues are different (some are still the same) I have to remember this should not preoccupy my mind.  This work stuff does not matter to my long-term.  It’s no longer related to my ultimate (and biggest) goal.  I don’t know why I continue to be influenced negatively by it, and why I let myself worry and fret and be annoyed with it.  I just have to think about the important things.  

My mind keeps wandering to my job while I’m trying to study:  How bitchy some people are, how passive-aggressives are annoying, the way people hate any change, how unfair it is that reception tasks keep getting put onto the (already busy, sometimes overwhelmed) techs even though both receptionists seem to have time to text now, which I never would.  Even if I wanted to.  On and on.

And I just need to keep in mind.  This does not matter to my life.  Even when things are tedious, annoying, or don’t make sense to me–what should I care?  So you don’t want storage cubes to keep all patient info up front and together–even though it really should not inconvenience you in any way.  What do I care?  So a client doesn’t get their drugs–not my problem.  So one doctor tells me to have just 1 tech in the I131 room a week to limit exposure (and the number of people having to run bioassays on busy Monday) then the other doctor says “Just so you know, that doesn’t matter.”  Well, it’s not my deal.  I shouldn’t give a fu(k.  Whatever.

I’m writing this to get all work drama out of my head, because this is a temporary stint, and does not really matter to my life.  I just need to go to work, do my job the best I can (like I always try to do anyway), and forget about the rest.  I should not care.  It is not pertinent to me.  Fair or not.  Annoying (as hell) or not.  Just get the hours, don’t kill anything.  The end.

And it’s still true.  And I still haven’t accomplished this.  I am trying to be better.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Dead Wood

11 Jul

Kidron's post b-day pics 074It fees like drowning to work with this particular LVT. I am alone, treading water, just keeping my head Witter Poolabove crises level. She doesn’t do anything WRONG per say–just nothing at all, or only 70% of each job. I’m running, running, running trying to get everything done alone, attempting to keep multiple tasks organized so I don’t forget what still needs doing, writing things down as I can to get it on the bill or the record. She, meanwhile, is standing. Or chatting. Or petting a cat. Just doing God knows what–but in no way helping me out of the crises. For the most part, I’m able to just stay even with the water level, but then–the phone rings, an emergency is booked, a test code is not at the ready, or equipment breaks. And my head dunks below the surface. I bob, under water, sputtering, trying to regain my air.  Another task is missed.  Forgotten, not gotten to yet.  There is confusion.  When drowning, there is first panic, then wild kicking and machinations, then, I attempt to calm myself–it’s the panic that will drown you. Gasping for air, trying to regain momentum, I tread on–just trying to make it through.  No one is there to throw me a life preserver.  And Kidron's post b-day pics 069the day goes on and on like this.

But the worst part is the next day. I feel like a champion for just surviving the inevitable drowning, relatively unscathed: I didn’t collapse from exhaustion or have a break down, every task got done well enough, every animal lived. That’s the worst part–I feel heroic for having made it–and things start to come back around. Labs weren’t marked, drugs weren’t sent home, drawers aren’t restocked, a weight wasn’t recorded, endless missed things. A direct result of just trying to survive is missing small details. You can’t do a race-winning, form-perfect butterfly stroke when the waves are splash 2crashing upon you for hours, and you are just trying to breathe.

That was my day: Get to work at 6AM, do every, last opening task. Complete ALL the cleaning, vitals, medications, and logging of the hospitalized patients all by myself. Just me. Clean and medicate house cats. Throughout the day, request every lab. Restrain every animal. Do all the laundry.  Log every med or vital. I even had to bathe a fractious cat that required the gloves (which are only used when absolutely necessary) ALONE. Because dead-weight LVT was doing??? I don’t know what. Couldn’t have been anything important though, because I had already finished everything else myself. Anyway, that’s a liability–one person stuck cleaning diarrhea off a fractious cat and out of a carrier–ALONE.  Clock out at 6:21PM.  12.5 hours in the same building/water, but do feel lucky I did get a lunch break–though slightly shorter than I’m supposed to have.  And I know I’ll want to walk off the job tomorrow when I’m not congratulated–but criticized for some unfinished task(s).transform

So was trading days in order to be out of town on my milestone 30th birthday worth it? Well, last weekend I would have readily said YES! Today? I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. . .  I am just thankful I hardly ever have to work with dead weight.  I wouldn’t last.

 

Where’s the Line?

17 Jan

facebookFacebook puts us in a weird position.  For whatever reason people are compelled to befriend every person they ever knew:  Relatives, close friends, school friends, co-workers, teachers, employers, people met at a distant friend’s party, someone you saw on the street one time, on and on.

But then a strange thing happens–you are actually reading about that person on a frequent basis–and (worse) they are reading about you.  It can get awkward in a hurry.  For instance, many people post about how they got drunk on the weekend or whatever–but what about when grandma reads that?  Or worse–the boss, when you called in sick to work that Monday?  What happens if you get in a fight with someone–you don’t want to be dramatic and delete them, but then again, you don’t want to see them all the time either.  Exes–that’s all that needs to be said about that obvious dilemma.  So there’s that kind of thing.

But this post is about boundaries.  Is it OK for current students to “friend” their teacher or professor who grades them?  I sort of think this is too much, a sort of conflict of interest.  I see it as akin to baking cookies for the judge in any competition. . .  Here’s another question–the one that really inspired the quote:  Can you ever really get comfortable and chummy with a person who has been an authority figure, or on the other side of the coin, a subordinate?

I am from a very small town.  As such pretty much everyone I ever attended school with, or was dustdeviltaught by, is a friend on my Facebook page.  Also as such, I have a LOT of things restricted from their view.  Let these people remember me as innocent, sober, virginal, etc. . .  Let them remember me the way they initially knew me, that is.  Apparently, everyone from my town does not have this policy.

Some 30-ish year old gal from the class above mine posted a pic and in it her bosoms were all but hanging out of her top.  She WAS dressed, and the pic was presumably showcasing something else, but her girls poked MY eyes out.  And of course some same-aged dudes made some obnoxious comments about how nice she was looking in the pic.  Which WAS posted for all her friends (and maybe public) to see right on her wall.  Here’s the thing though, one of the (40-50 year old) male, middle school teachers commented, “Yeah, nice one, Cathy!” (maybe smilie face instead of exclamation, which is even worse) on the pic.  And one of the same-aged dudes called the teacher a fat ‘ol pervert and told him to go elsewhere.  Several other people “liked” that comment, including the gal herself.  The teacher (also my friend) made a big post on his own wall how he was deleting the girl, gave her initials for those who weren’t mutual friends with both, and said it was because she “liked” the fat ‘ol perve comment under her pic.

anti-facebookHere’s what I see:  1)  A LOT of unnecessary  silly drama for small-minded, small town people with nothing better to do.  2)  The gal DID post a questionable pic, and did not restrict which FB friends got to see it.  So therefore, any comments garnered, I think–are fair game.  3) I think it was in extremely poor taste for a former authority figure of any kind to sexually acknowledge a former student’s pic–no matter how old the student currently is or how public (or sexy/inappropriate) the pic.  4)  I find it incredibly immature to delete a person for “liking” any number of things on Facebook–get a grip.  And to write your own post telling about your deletion, and giving initials (disclosing the individual’s identity), at 40+ years old is pathetic.

Also, just for the record–I ALREADY had that particular teacher on my most severely restricted list so he is technically a friend, but can hardly see anything on my page–least of all any pics.  This scene made me glad for that prior decision.

Restraint

20 Dec

And not the animal kind–though I should take a lesson from it.

forest fire 2I almost got myself fired yesterday.  And at the time, I wasn’t sad about it.  At all.  Every fiber of my being had to conjure the financial ruin (and burned bridges) walking off the job would create.  I knew if I opened my mouth to respond–a lot of frustration and hostility would boil over.  I was so, so, so, so, so close to looking at my boss and saying regretful forest fire 4things, then leaving right then and there.  Just to show her I would.  Because I was upset that nothing ever changes, and my employers don’t care about the issues so important or problematic to me.  So many problems remain that it’s difficult to address one without bringing up 12 other infractions.  So at the time it just seemed easier to cut ties.

forest fire 5And certainly I would regret that decision.  I DO need this job–and I’m good at it.  It’s my best work skill, they are willing to work with my school schedule, and I need the money.  And my boss MUST realize her life is a lot easier with me in it–though she’d never give me the satisfaction of telling me so.  I am dedicated and show up every Saturday, I am fast enough to work busy Mondays and Fridays.  I do all of the cleaning of the hospital.  I am somehow the only one that knows how to change the processor chem, and if I do say so myself, take the best films.  I know how to set up the I131 room, and am willing to come in on Sundays to forest fire 6check the kitties in there.  I have NEVER called in sick–even when I am.  I have come in between 4:45 AM and never later then 6:55 AM to clean up from the day before, set up for that day, and house-keep–and then worked the rest of my 9 hour day.  I am not just a body.  And replacing me would not be that easy.  My quitting wouldn’t be great for either me or my boss.  But at the time, both of us were so angry that we were willing to terminate the relationship.

forest fire 8But then after getting so heated with my boss, I could calmly restrain a fractious cat.  I thought to myself what the difference was.  How could I slow my adrenaline and ignore angry growls, and cat-aggression, but get all riled up when it’s a person confronting me?  My big conclusion was that cats only think of self-preservation–their behavior is not about me.  But is that really so different from people?

Cats bring out the teeth and claw because:

1-They’re scared.

As humans, we’re tough, but we’re also scared a lot of the time.  We each get afraid of various things, and that colors our behaviors.  Just like cats, when threatened we can lash out.  We will try to control our own environment and destiny sometimes at the expense of others.

2-They’re uncomfortable or don’t feel well.

When you’re cold, have a headache, hurt somewhere–it’s really difficult to have patience.  And just the overall psyche suffers, and may cause an unfortunate episode with another person.

3-They don’t like the way I am poking at them or interacting with them.

Kitty says, stop touching me like that or I don’t like how you’re holding me (or that you are).  In the same way people will tell you.  Make an undesirable face, use a beligerant expression, employ negative body language, have a “tone” in your voice, or say bad things–we are sensitive to these cues.  And if the interaction isn’t pleasant we’re going to get our hackles up and respond defensively or aggressively to it.  Yay language!

4-They wanted to be doing something else (napping).

People can become irate, too, just because they’d rather be elsewhere.  It has nothing to do with the person they’re dealing with–that person just gets the brunt of it.  Work, appointments, traffic–people don’t wanna be there, so accordingly, the temper is going to be shorter.

5-They are tired and/or hungry.

Exactly like when the kitties would rather be settling in for a warm nap instead of at the vet, people are edgy when they’re tired.  See my last post on the importance of sleep.  And hunger?  If you’ve ever seen an NPO cat prior to surgery, you know it’s crabby.  Hunger can make a cat or person do crazy things.

6-They are mad at their owner for bringing them in, or at another cat/animal.

The cat scratches the techs and doctors, because they are displacing aggression.  If a person feels anger toward someone–a client, a superior, a certain employee, the husband–but for whatever reason can’t address the issues with THAT person.  Well, the frustration is going to come out somewhere.  Every spouse in the world knows this story.

7-Or they’re just little jerks.

Probably the rarest form of fractious cat–just a nasty personality.  And some people are just a$$holes.

komodo 4

So looking at that list, let’s start with me:

1 I was scared.  Scared that I would again and constantly feel overwhelming stress/annoyance like the previous day.  Scared of killing something or doing irreparable harm to a patient.

2 I also didn’t feel well.  I had a sore throat and general malaise.  Plus I was regretting my breakfast cookies, because my blood sugar felt a little lower than is comfortable.

3 I didn’t like the way my boss was interacting with me.  After not getting “after” anyone the day before (for transgressions I feel are blatant and obvious,) and without telling me anything good about the work of the prior day–she was then getting into my face.  About something that wasn’t wrong.  If she had checked she would know this.

4 I wanted to be anywhere else but a 4th day at work–3 of them 10+ hours.  I have to fix my car that won’t lock and get a bungee cord for the door that won’t shut.  I need to read and outline my textbooks before the semester starts.  And when I work full days and Cool works full nights I never see her.  So I wanted to be home with her.  I want to read for pleasure while I still have time. . .

5  I was tired.  Cool woke me up at 2:30 AM that morning and I never did go back to sleep.  And this was after waking up at 4 AM (then working 10 hour days) the 2 previous days.  And obviously I get really grumpy when I’m exhausted.

6  I was mad at the receptionist who can’t say no or schedule appropriately–or check in a true drop-off appointment.  I was angry that same receptionist (that creates the stress) gets stressed and pushes HER work onto me when I’m already overwhelmed with my own work.  I was also mad that the tech I worked with the previous day was slow, doing exactly 25% of every task and leaving me with the rest.

fangtooth

Now lets look at my boss:

1 I suspect she was scared I would poison our new good tech against her by being disgruntled.  She may also have been scared about losing patients during anesthetics.  Thirdly, she might have feared clients would be unhappy.

2  My boss complained of a headache early in the morning, so I know she probably wasn’t feeling the best.

3  She did not like my tone of voice, didn’t like that I didn’t automatically submit to her, hates that I seem to lack gratitude to her for being employed, and especially didn’t like my comments of wanting a to quit if things at work didn’t improve.

4  Of course, my boss would rather be doing something else.  Even people who love their job don’t want to be there all the time.

5  I can’t know if my boss was tired, though I assume so since she had also been working the previous insane day, and Wednesday was also her third, long day in a row.  And I know she was hungry, because her stomach growled all morning.

6  And it’s impossible to know who else my boss might have a problem with at the time.  Frustration at other staff members?  The business partner?  Her husband?  All possible.

So the score?  6 out of 7 (I like to think) for me and 4 to 6 out of 7 for her.  So we shouldn’t have interacted at all–that’s what those numbers tell me.

Anatomy 14

Lesson:  It is possible to bypass emotion and fight or flight responses.  And I need to do this when dealing with people, not just when restraining the fractious buddies.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Walking on Eggshells

6 Dec

The mother-in-law.  And I hesitate to write that just because it’s SO cliche’.  Now, you might get the impression I’m disagreeable.  Which IS the case many times.  But it’s not because I TRY to be ornery.  And it isn’t because I LIKE drama.  No, no.  I hate drama and strife a lot, actually.  But I do require that everyone around me treat me a certain way.  And I will stand up to those who don’t.  I am unable to be phony, and I am unable to stay quiet while being mistreated.  So that leads to a lot of problems.  People don’t like being called on their $hit.

Here’s the story:

-I bought tickets to see Brandi Carlile at the Seattle Symphony for Saturday.

-Even though, we could have driven to Seattle and back over the weekend, I suggested we go early so we could spend Thanksgiving with Cool’s family.

-Both Cool and I had to take time of work to accomplish the family Thanksgiving.

-We could have easily stayed IN the city with my Auntie (who we lived with for a time) or friends.

-We got to Cool’s family’s house at 5AM and went straight to bed.  At 7:30 or 8AM, I woke up and woke Cool up.  I figured we had come this far, and rearranged plans so Cool and her mom had better spend some time together.

-When we went out to the living room, Cool’s mom (in an accusatory voice) asked why we were up.  We said we wanted to visit, then Cool’s mom turns to her baby and says, “Aren’t YOU tired?”  And Cool (who’s tired 24/7) said she was.

-This is literal now:  Cool’s mom turns to me and says, “Just because you’re awake means everybody has to be awake?”  So great.  You’d think she’d want Cool to be awake so she could see her, but any excuse to direct animosity toward me, right?

-Later we began to unload our belongings from the car.  Cool’s mom requested we bring 1 thing for dinner:  2 bottles of wine.  Thanksgiving morning, Cool drops one of the wine bottles onto the driveway, crushing it.

-TWO bottles of wine were so important to her mother that she sent us with money to the store to get a new bottle.

-Even though I am ethically opposed to shopping on Thanksgiving, I went (to appease her mother) without saying a word about my morals.

-When we came back, Cool’s mom said the bottle was too small and called Cool’s sister asking HER to bring another bottle (3rd) of wine.  This is on top of whatever alcohol was already in the house.

-During the evening, every single person there drank.  Including Cool’s mother.  Cool and I had brought our own beer.

-Wine has a higher alcohol content then beer.  Double, sometimes even more, I think.  And I was refilling everybody’s wine glasses.  It was a holiday after all.

-Cool’s mother didn’t say anything to anyone about drinking.

-No one was sloppy, drunk.  And Cool and I were sleeping there, not out partying, not driving anywhere.

-At the end of the night, Cool’s mom kept saying things (just to me) like, “You’re awfully social.”  Or, “Aren’t you cheerful?”  Kind of insinuating I was trashed.  Can’t a girl just have a good time at her VERY FIRST extended family Thanksgiving?

-I told a story to Cool, her step-dad, and her mom, and there was no reaction and no comment.  Just blank stares from all 3.  Crickets.  So, thinking they weren’t paying attention, or were old and couldn’t hear me (they are), I repeated the story.

-Not that the above should even matter.

-At that point, Cool’s mom got UGLY with me.  She insinuated I was drunk and sloppy and didn’t know what I was saying.

-Not wanting to have a huge confrontation, or to disrespect Cool’s mother (even though she was completely out of line) I said, “That’s it, I’m going to bed.”  And got up and went to the guest room.

-Cool, Momma’s Girl that she is, followed me and said, “She was just kidding!”  Because Cool doesn’t understand intention, and thinks just because something isn’t explicitly stated, it doesn’t exist.

-No, no way.  Cool’s mother was implicitly stating that I was some sort of sloppy drunk, and I do NOT deserve to be treated that way.  Nor was I drunk.  Or sloppy.

-Cut to Friday morning.  Which, by the way, we could have spent in Seattle, but didn’t.  I thought Cool should maximize time with her family.

-Cool’s Mom, specifically asked me how I was feeling in the morning–insinuating that I was probably hung-over (I wasn’t, because that would have required me to be drunk at some point, which I wasn’t).

-I spent the most awkward of mornings, turned to day studying while Cool and her mom watched TV/internet-ed/slept, without talking much.  I knew if I went to another room to study it would be seen as rude.  So I just studied my anatomy in the living room.

-I had initially wanted to go to ZOO Lights.  Cool’s mom wanted to go to just a plain lights because you could sit in the car, so I conceded  without prodding.  I knew it would be difficult for her to get around with her COPD and Oxygen tanks.

-Also, when it came time to pay for said light display, I held out MY $10.  And despite saying, “here’s our portion” and also having my hand, coming from the direction I was sitting, Cool’s mom goes, “Keep your money, Rebecca.”  Not acknowledging that I was the one trying to be polite.  (Cool had no cash on her, nor did she offer to pay)

-Also on Friday, Cool told her mom we were leaving for Seattle the next morning.  Her mom got the shittiest tone in her voice, and asked why so early.  She didn’t understand why we had to leave Saturday.  She couldn’t understand why we weren’t coming back to her house after the concert.  What about driving in the dark (We had driven from Spokane from midnight Wednesday when Cool got off work  until 5AM–with no questions/concerns from her mom)?  Why did we have to leave Sunday morning anyway?  On and on in an explosion of accusatory anger (directed implicitly at me).

-After we left, I asked Cool why she never stands up to her mother on my behalf.  As my mate, I think this should come naturally to her.  And get this irony–Cool said she didn’t remember the incident on Thanksgiving–she had blacked out??!

-So miss perfect sat by, black-out-drunk, while her mommy attacked ME for being drunk.

-After I nag Cool, to talk to her mother (which I’m certain her mother knows who is behind the talk) my mother-in-law leaves a note on my Facebook wall for all to see:  “I’m sorry you were mad when you left.  We do like you.  You’re welcome to stay over any time.”

-Let’s break that down, shall we?  I’m sorry YOU were mad.  Meaning, I’m sorry that you’re high maintenance and made my daughter upset with me.

-We do like you.  As if that was ever a question. Or relevant.  I don’t care if Cool’s mom likes me or not (she never will) but I do demand she treat me with the same courtesy and respect that I treat her with.

-And you’re welcome to come back–meaning if you don’t come, my baby will also stay away-waaaiiiiiillll.  And to that I say, Not.  On.  Your.  Life.  Woman.  Cool can do what she wants (if she plans it and pays for it) but I am not putting myself in that situation any more.  It never goes well for me.  Cool’s mom is toxic, and she’s officially extricated from my life in any meaningful capacity.

Enhanced by Zemanta