Tag Archives: frustrated

Embarrassed of my Classmates

3 Jun

-don’t start packing your stuff up while a guest speaker is talking.
-it’s rude and impolite and reflects on our whole program.
-it makes the speaker feel worthless and rushed.
-I wish I had a forum to send a friendly reminder to my class.

 

This was a draft I started (during the semester, obviously) but never had the time/motivation to finish.  The sentiment is clear, and my opinion the same.  I didn’t like that day because the speaker seemed a little nervous to talk to college students.  Which, you can tell a person has never attended university if they are nervous, because it’s not all hard-core and students in non-ivy-league classes are generally just happy not to be taking notes off the power point for a second.  We aren’t judging guest speakers harshly, or even giving them much thought at all.  I speak collectively–I’d like to think I care about the people.  But based on the actions of my class, who packed up their items noisily right at the strike of class-over–they don’t.  It was just another day, another lecture to them.

in the starting blocks

But I guess that’s all you can really do with that topic.  Here’s some more about my day today:  I woke up with the intention to be highly motivated and productive in my AuD application tasks.  I wanted to really hit it hard and FINISH things.  My computer had other plans.  The internet didn’t work.  After much troubleshooting the internet itself worked, just not my browser–the one with all my dozens of bookmarks I require to DO the applications things.  And it was S-L-O-W.  Also, I couldn’t get anything application to work properly.  It was just a long, arduous process of trying things.  Uninstalls, download helper apps, run scans, push buttons randomly, delete things, dig deep into programs.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  That did not stop me from entering into a frenzy of desperate maneuvers to right my computer scene.

I think the problem eventually corrected itself.  I don’t think any of my actions helped matters.  But a full 5(?) hours later, I had a functional computer and internet once more.  Mostly–now my laptop wants to overheat.  How do I take advantage of this Acer Aspire recall?  Is it too late?  They put the fan on the bottom, so it sits against the table.  Or I have to prop it up, then it wiggles as I type.  It hasn’t been my technology day.

And I was really mad, because despite having real motivation to accomplish things, I couldn’t.  I HATE that.  So it’s operation call this day a loss, go to bed early, and hope tomorrow pans out like it’s supposed to.  Well, now there’s thunder and lightening as a real message to quit looking at screen today.

Tomorrow!

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pet-peeve college loan advice

19 Apr

is ALWAYS geared to. . . Parents. It highly annoys me.  Who are these kids with rich Mommies and Daddies paying their Tiger Walkwhole tuition bills (and whatever else)?  That’s not MY life.  And I don’t have the rich husband paying my way either.  Address tuition information/tips to students.  I think it’s ridiculous to assume students aren’t paying their own educational expenses. Maybe that’s why it’s so much more expensive then I can afford?

I’m thinking about this because April is supposed to be money-blog-month.  But also because I had to jump through a moneybunch of hoops to complete my FAFSA supplemental paperwork.  Which is admittedly better since I turned 25 and don’t have to hassle my parents for their (*required*) personal financial info that only ends up hurting my chances for the loans.  Which isn’t fair or right at all since they don’t pay my tuition/rent/car/bills, so I shouldn’t have to use their tax info.  But it’s still a pain, and I think they purposely hire the most inept people possible to work college financial aid.  I had to re-submit 2 packets of paperwork because they obviously didn’t OPEN it, to see the necessary documents were all there.

And I was also thinking about college tuition because another one of my undergrad loans is coming off of forbearance–which super-sucks.  And I’ve been procrastinating BIG-time about calling and seeing if there’s some option.  ANY option black_dragonfishto put it back on forbearance or reduce payments at the very least.  I’m putting it off for many reasons:  I hate the phone.  Really.  I hardly use mine at all, and literally only use it for emergencies, and when I have to make these types of outgoing calls.  I’m also putting off the call because of long holds, having to repeat info over and over, the horrible tone of the operators (they act annoyed you’re bothering them and treat you like a loser), and the thought that nothing can be done anyway.  I’ll make the call, but maybe Tuesday. . .

Here’s an interesting article about college costs, which is bleak, but I think true to life:

This is interesting. A credit hour in 1979 at MSU was 24.50, adjusted for inflation that is 79.23 in today dollars. One credit hour today costs 428.75.

found that the average student in 1979 could work 182 hours (a part-time summer job) to pay for a year’s tuition. In 2013, it took 991 hours (a full-time job for half the year) to accomplish the same.

Is it any surprise that so many students today are suckered into taking out non-dischargeable loans, in growing chunks, to pay for their bachelor’s degrees? More than two-thirds of recent graduates are carrying debt—and some of them will be paying it off for decades to come. Studying computer science at Harvey Mudd may be worth it; majoring in art at Murray State probably isn’t.

http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/04/the-myth-of-working-your-way-through-college/359735/

Speaking of pet-peeves, WordPress changed the settings so when you publish something that had been in your drafts–it is put on the date that you FIRST made it a draft, not the day you actually hit “publish.”  It’s no good, because that effectively buries new posts, put it on an old calender month instead of showing a current post, and seems sneaky.  So now I have to cut & paste all my draft posts into a new folder in order for it to go on the top of my list for the current day?!

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Triggers and Rewards

23 Feb

I haven’t had a drink since November.  It’s an accomplishment I’m proud of–and surpringly not difficult on a daily basis like I thought it would be.  Mostly, I don’t even think about it.  This is an old post, and one I hesitated to put up, but I was reminded because of concert tickets.  I told myself that if I didn’t drink, I would reward myself with a ticket to a 2nd show on Labor Dave Weekend.  We can usually only afford one of the 3 days.  But with money saved by not buying alcohol, we could get another show this year.  So it was saved money AND reward simultaneously.  Then, Brandi Carlile sweetened the deal by signing on for all 3 days of the show!  It’s a dream come true.  So since we just got those 4 tickets (Cool bought us each a tik for Friday, I bought Cool a good seat for Sunday, and my parents got ME a good seat Sunday as an early b-day gift) this Friday–here’s how much work went into getting here:

Easter 006

Temptation:

-surprisingly, having licquor in the house has not mattered one iota.  Nor has seeing it in grocery stores.

-seeing a new beer on tap.

-seeing taps at all.

-when Cool mentions drinking, or buying alcohol (except she also quit alcohol altogether as of February).

-seeing my fave restaurants post pics/specials on Facebook.

-Going to restaurants, visitng our old favorite restaurants, SEEING the cocktail menu.Walla Faces tasting

-when TV/movie characters are drinking or talking about it.

-visiting Aunt Linda.

-stressful work days (Forster Fridays especially).

-bitchy professors–snippy comments, rude e-mail responses.

-feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork/studying.

Halloween 2013 006-having unscheduled time with Cool (hardly happens due to opposing work schedules).  And now our expectations have been re-set so this isn’t an issue at ALL any more.

-post-tests or after receiving a good grade–for celebration.

-when there is time to kill or free-time (which again, rarely happens with work schedules and perpetual studying).

-concerts/parties/functions (virtually non-existent in my life, but applicable sometime I guess).

-reading a blog/book talking about alcohol in any way.

-drinking-centric holidays like Superbowl and St. Patty’s Day–though Thanksgiving and Christmas (holidays about something) weren’t difficult at ALL.

-thinking of missing out at Labor Dave tailgating, at Fandango Champagne brunch, or when we move to CO with all the craft breweries.

Reactions:

-irritability when a normal drinking time approaches/arrives and I’m NOT.

-Anxiety/worry/stress/frustration in anticipation of work or after a bad work day (or perceived negative interaction with someone at work)

-worry and stress about studies

-obsessing over exchanges with others where I felt misunderstood/frustrated.

-Desire when I see the restaurants (marketing drinks).

-guilt at ruining a good time because of abstinence.

Side Effects:

-I don’t think I had any physical symptoms.

-In the first week, especially, I experienced irritability when drinking times approached arrived and I knew I couldn’t participate.

-In week 3+ my sleep schedule got really messed up.  Mornings started feeling really early.  And I was very tired though-out work, and tired in class.  This may or may not be related to abstaining from drink.  I wasn’t very consistent in my sleep and wake times, which might have set this one off.

-I started having energy drinks to remain functional on 9-12 hour work days.  This bled over to school days.  Except, drinking them gave me headaches, and barely made me functional, hardly energetic.

-Day 20-ish, I do not know if it was situational or not, but I felt overwhelmingly stressed and anxious, to the point I seriously considered dropping one of my classes.  In this period I was (even more) hypersensitive, stressed, and worried.

-On day 23-ish feelings of day 20 combined with an extreme tiredness and fatigue.  I could not concentrate, couldn’t focus, and felt super-tired.  An example of the fatigue was that I got a hole in my right sock and took it off, but found it was far too much effort to remove the left sock, let along dig out a new pair.  So I slept in the one sock.

coffee teddy

Things I Did:

-I made my sleep schedule a priority

-I cut out caffeine (mostly)

-Cool and I have run a mile on the treadmill for 53 days in a row

-I drink 4-8 cups of water every day

-I take time for gratitude daily.

-I quit my job.  Did you read long enough to catch that?  My last day is tomorrow, but I didn’t want to mention it earlier because you never know who is reading.  More on THIS is an upcoming series.

Gorge Friday 8-30-13 crowd

So overall, I’m proud of me and the strides I’ve taken to align my actions with my goals.  Now that I don’t drink I live a healthier lifestyle in general, worry less, feel positive and more hopeful, and think clearly about where I want to go in my life.

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How Did I Get into this HOLE?

11 Feb

-Taking 2 Sundays to snowboard may have contributed–and the trip to the emergency room certainly didn’t help.

-Superbowl further derailed me (just a little)

-PS–even though I’m really sad to be missing out on the entire Olympics (no cable/satellite/channels) I’m glad that’s not a factor right now too.  But I wouldn’t mind the ability to DVR it for later!

-So having somewhat of a life, for 1 day a week, only briefly really ended up killing me.  Which sucks.

-Then work stress made me focus elsewhere when I should have been doing the little bit of catch-up I needed to do.

-And sleeplessness from work stress didn’t help the next day be productive.

-Then the life-altering decision took up every last second.  Every last one.  Which is unfortunate during school–especially when it directly pertained to school = ironic.

-Then the sleeplessness from nervousness about going ahead with the plan didn’t help my studies.

-Add in unclear test material:  We skipped ahead, went backward, then started covering the NEXT exam’s material.

-So now the stress has waned somewhat, but I still don’t have a lot of time.  And the time I DO have is spent trying to figure out what I NEED to study–not actual studying.  Add to that I’m really tired.

And there you have it = I’m discouraged.  Which is no way to succeed.  Or to try to learn things.  I feel exam 1 is already lost with no hope of learning everything (or een knowing what “everything” is) by Thursday.  I guess I’ll study what I do know is on the exam super-hard and just forget about the rest and hope my reading/note-taking/previous classes can carry me through.  I’m pretty certain that I’ll have to be struggling to make up for a poor exam grade though.  And nobody likes that story.

OK abrupt ending b/c I have to sleep immediately.  So tonight–it’s operation go to bed early so I can at least wake up refreshed to give it my all tomorrow!

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The Finger is Pushing Me Out of WA

17 Jan

When I think of the people problems I’ve had since I moved to Washington, it makes me feel horrible. I think, why am I having so much trouble now? Am I really THAT much of a $hithead that nobody can tolerate me? It’s totally discouraging.

And it never happened before. Sure, there was a person or two everywhere that I didn’t like or couldn’t get along with–just the normal stuff. But not every person, in every situation! It seems like I act the same ways I always have, but I still have tons of personal troubles.

Fremont st sign 1

But Cool reminded me of the Finger (of God). We really believe that the finger made me leave Missouri for vet school. Otherwise I might have stayed there forever–I really liked it. Then, once I lost all ties to MO, it was the Finger who made vet school fall through at the last minute. And the Finger that brought me (not so randomly) to Seattle. But I was never supposed to stay in Washington. My path was just to pick up Cool and go. So Cool reminded me all these interpersonal problems that seemingly come out of nowhere and are so pervasive, are really just a message to move on. The Finger is reminding me that THIS is not where I belong, and ensuring I don’t get too comfortable or too complacent.

corn maze 2

I HAVE to have personal strife to remind me we belong elsewhere. So that helped me feel a lot better about all my work and school troubles, the lost friends, and the flakes. It’s just the finger doing it’s thing, I shouldn’t take it so personally.

 

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From Bad To. . . Better?

15 Jan

I’m going to hate my Wednesday schedule.  My class starts at 10 AM on the dot, which means I have to leave work right at a certain time–not conducive to a veterinary schedule, especially surgery.  The struglasarus-LVT is scheduled with me.  She is slow, and I don’t really trust her.  This is a concern because I already have a lateness phobia.  And this particular class is built-in required observation hours.  So you can’t be late.  And if you miss one, you miss that observation hour–and I have no idea where I would make it up as I have no contacts HERE.  Add in a 7-8 min drive, an unmeasurable amount of time to find parking (in the over-sold lots), and 8-10 min walk from my car to the building, and still arriving in the room early enough to find a (good) seat [9:55AM at the very latest].  I have to leave by 9:35AM and hope everything goes smoothly.  There’s no wiggle room, and dire consequences. Well, it’s not awesome.

I was first VERY worried about getting everything finished at work this morning AND making it to class on time.  Stressed off the heezy, actually.  So I made sure to alert everyone at work about my concerns.  But then, with disapproving looks, body language, and little comments like, “You have a HALF hour to get there.”  I felt:  Guilty, worried, disgruntled, helpless, and frustrated.

Because:

-This is the only time this class is offered, it’s not like I chose it.

-I hate the new schedule too–I don’t want to leave work in the lurch OR be late to class.  And I worry about something going wrong on both ends (work and school).

-It makes me afraid they will change my schedule to Wednesdays off and put me back on all day Friday, in which case I’ll have to quit and search for a new job in the middle of a semester to keep my sanity.  And nobody likes that story.

-It’s not my fault that my school arranged the class at this time, that parking over-sells the lots, or that our LVT is incompetent.  I wish my work would tell the other gal to get her head out of her a$$, and quit giving me such grief.  And I wish school would be willing to work with me in ANY way.  But those things will never happen so I’m left hopeless.

And probably more.

And add a impending work evaluation to that and I was really stressed/worried/crabby when I got home from class.  And I thought my eval was probably going to be awful, because of all the schedule drama and intrapersonal cat-fighting.  But I KNOW I’m a good employee, and a lot of my attributes are obscured for emotional reasons.  So in order to calm myself, I went through every eval question and wrote an example of what I do in that particular area.  Which, actually made me hopeful, because when it’s all in writing and I can cite examples, it makes me feel confident I could defend any unwarranted attacks on my character.  Then, because the eval calls for rankings, I gave myself a 0-10 ranking on each subset.  Then, averaged those for a “grade.”  But then I realized you can’t average a scale as a percent, so I re-did it with a +1 good, 0 neutral, -1 bad.  Then averaged those numbers to quantitatively figure out my eval.

And I was happy to see when all said & done I have a 72%, and most of my characteristics fall into the meets expectations catagory–with a couple high in that box, and 1 item (motivation) even topping out exceeds expectations.  Being above average (especially when I judge others to fall below average) made me feel a LOT better.  Especially since I have data and examples to back up my claims.  Then I decided I’m HAPPY about evaluations because it will be a private, earnest, un-heated discussion.

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Transformation Proclamation: Behaviors

28 Dec

How do my actions need to change?

I’m a big beliver in the triangle:  Mental, physical, and social.  Most people have a strong side and a weak side.  I don’t feel like I excel in any particular area, but my short side is certainly social.  I’ve never been very great with people-skills.

Facial vein

Mental:

I need to remain driven in school.  Keep up (and ahead) on reading.  Review notes immediately after class, and make & study flashcards.  No change, but it was difficult to establish those habits, so I mention them because I fear letting them slip.  I talked about my real mental issues in yesterday’s ME post.  I need to worry less.  I need to control my stress, by letting go of control.  Work is always going to suck.  Cool will be Cool.  Spokompton and I will never quite see eye to eye.  Things won’t always ever be in their proper place.  I need to become more OK with that.  Stress and anxiety is making me too fatigued.  It’s counterproductive, and I need to stop the cycle.

Laurel's pics 057

Physical:

I have to buckle down and make the hard changes.  Once, I start, maintaining will be easier.  And fixing this, just may help the anxiety, stress, and fatigue that plagues me.

-Try out treadmilling in the morning to see how I like it.  Give it an earnist effort for a length of time.

-Really add produce to every meal.  Now that I’m not buying alcohol, I can afford it.

-Combine studying with walking.

-Just do 10 minutes.  Anyone, even I, can find 10 min in a day to devote to some sort of exercise.

Sierra Exif JPEG

Social:

I don’t want this to matter to my goals, because this really falls last in my priorities.  And it’s my worst.  Social has never been my strong suit, but neglecting it makes my life harder–if not just because other people become awful toward me.  At work, especially, I have pulled back from those people.  They have introduced much stress in my life, routinely make me feel bad, unwanted, and inexperienced, and generally make me oscillate between frustrated and hopeless.  As such, I don’t leave myself vulnerable to them.  I have pretty much shut-off at work.  But that makes it worse for me too, because then they perceive ME as bitchy, cold, and hostile.  So by trying to protect myself, I actually bring resentment and aggression toward me.  It’s a conundrum.  One I don’t know if I even want to fix.  It’s a lot of work.  Maybe I’ll visualize a better way to get through the work day, then just trying to go there and accomplish my job.  Maybe I’ll just bide my time.  We’ll see.  But that’s the thing.  I WISH work could see that I am an ethical, caring, fun, responsible, funny, smart, motivated, loyal, compassionate, sensitive, thoughtful person.  Instead, they see me as amount of hours worked, number of tasks I relieve them of (never enough), and a moody-nusence–I feel very undervalued at my job.

A little bit of a bleak way to end it.  Except I guess that just shows me how important this transformation of myself is to my future.  I am not happy HERE, but that will just help me move on.  And up.  And this provides a good practice area for the real deal.

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