Tag Archives: guilty

Independent Woman

16 Dec

I told Cool that if I ever lose the use of my legs or need diapers to euthanize me. That is how important my independence is to me.

So I’m very skeptical I would like to be in the military. I know full-well that the affordable housing, job opportunities, and paid tuition–come at a cost.  Once you sign on that dotted line the government owns you.  You are no longer a free agent.  Sure, they’ll say that they try to accommodate you, but when it comes down to it–you are going to do what the military tells you to do, and that’s it.

I feel guilty about being stubborn against this idea.  But I’m reminding myself that yes, it’s absolutely ok to be stubborn about your own life–I am the one who has to live it.  I don’t have to justify my choices to anyone.

Enter my well-meaning parents.  They are worried about how I’m going to pay for graduate school.  I am also super-worried.  They feel like the solution to ALL my problems is going into the Navy.  Which, I could do.  And I’d like to follow in my father’s footsteps, and I’d be honored to serve my country.  BUT the logistics just do not work out for what I want in my life.  But they won’t listen to me.  They don’t hear my concerns, they just think I’m making an uninformed stubborn choice.  And I can tell saying no about this is stepping into a landmine.  It’s going to hurt the good place my relationship with my parents has finally gotten to.  Which sucks!  It was hard work getting to this better place with them.  School funding/Navy is a point of contention, for sure.  Except–you should not join the military for someone else, and you should never do it out of guilt–which is what I would be doing.  I did look into it and here is why it just isn’t going to work for me at this point in my life:

-It’s an 8 year commitment!

That’s a long time.  That’s all 4 years of school AND 4 more.  There is a lot of opportunity for being moved around.  A lot of dealing with less then optimal conditions.  And 8 years to worry about my little family and my own survival.

-I would have to be separated from my family.  

That’s what I have.  It’s my whole support system.  Cool wouldn’t be traveled around with me (more on this later), and I’m sorry if that makes me weak and a whiner–I want to be with her.  Maybe other people can live apart from their mate, but I never want to.  Also, Kitties cannot go to bootcamp, nor to officer training, or to different countries–and moving them around to different states would be difficult at best.  After being separated from them in Seattle–I want my pets to live with me.  I love them and they are my responsibility.

-I am gay.  And this poses many problems:

–Cool and I aren’t married because I think it’s an antiquated tradition, she would ruin my good credit, and I figure why bother when the benefits depend what state you’re in at the time.  In the military, they try to ensure married couples remain together–they could care less about what the law considers a roommate.

–So She and I would have to be apart.  When and how would I see her?  And where would she live?  How would she afford it?  What if her bipolar flared up as it does and things went terribly wrong?  I wouldn’t be there.  That doesn’t work for me.

–Also, being gay may be legal in the military, but that isn’t the same thing as being accepted.  It’s a lot to ask of me to hide a fundamental aspect of who I am.  But if I didn’t I could be teased, hazed, harassed, or even raped.  I want no part of that–and who could blame me?

-I do not want to involve a recruiter

to get specific answers to my questions I have to call a recruiter.  Which I don’t want to do.  They give you the hard-sell.  They gloss over the bad parts and emphasize the good, so you really have to read the fine print anyway.  They spam you!  I don’t want constant phone calls or mailers pressuring me.

-I’m fearful about the training and expectations.  

I’m not sure I’d like getting screamed at.  With work, I could do the physical stuff, but I in no way want to take my gas mask off for such and such amount of time like you have to in the Navy.  I might be capable of doing it, but I think I would be very unhappy and stressed about it.

-I don’t like travel.  

Basic is 2 weeks in some cold, Great Lake state.  Officer training is in RI–for a month.  You have to spend such and such time per year training who knows where.  They promise you during your service they try to put you where you want to be, but let’s be real, if the government needs you somewhere they’re going to put you there, whether it works for you or not.  And on relatively short notice.  Plus, I have bathroom privacy and hygiene standards that cannot be accommodated in a military lifestyle.  I need a (warm) shower EVERY day!  And a private bathroom stall (with American plumbing) and a door and a fan.

-I don’t want stress, trauma, or long term effects like my dad (and many, many others) have

I’m sensitive,  I don’t want to undergo emotional trauma, physical abuse, and I would be suicidal if I went through the sexxual abuse common in the military and in the Middle East.  I also don’t want PTSD which is a very real side-effect of service.

-I don’t want to risk my LIFE

I also have NO interest of traveling abroad–especially the Middle East.  And I read they are starting to put Audiologists on the forefront of actions because of portable equipment.  Before they mostly did noise-prevention and VA stuff, but with accessible equipment, the government can stop sending soldiers to the closest sound booth (in Germany) after explosions and check them right on the front lines.  That means audiologists are on the front lines.

-And bottom line, the money/perks just aren’t that great.

I can get better stipends from my school, or at the very least loans that don’t involve travel and put my life on the line.  I will find a job once I’m out of school, and I could still do noise-prevention or VA work as a civilian.

I’m going to have to put my foot down to my parents, and I hope it doesn’t cause a big, ugly scene.  But better that then ruining what I want for my life.  I’ll just have to find another way to finance my education.  This is about me and what I want, and nobody–even my parents–gets to demand what path I take.  I just hope they can understand that I’m not just being rebellious, I actually researched and see many reasons why that’s not what I want. . .

Infuriating!

27 Oct

I just wrote a blog post.  And published it–got the note at the top of the page saying it had been published and everything.  And it was just gone.  Not posted, not a draft, nowhere.  So I back-back-backed my way to this, and it’s blank.  That is one thing I do NOT miss about the Myspace blog days.  You couldn’t trust it not to erase all your work, so you had to write on a word doc and transfer it = pain.  Don’t start with that business, WordPress!  Anyone else having these probalems?  It’s never happened to me on here before this month. . .

dissecting Eugene 046So to recap I had told you I’m sorry for not posting.  I’ve been terribly busy.  And I felt guilty for leaving you hanging, and worried everyone would leave.  I told you I’d be back full force after my semester.  For now it’s a little crazy trying to get my obligations in check while fighting my sleep schedule.

And so help me–if this post is gone without a trace, I’ll scream!  Now, I cry because I have to work on Halloween, I’m eating too much sugar lately, and I still have homework, but I’m super-sleepy.

I’m Sick. And Grumpy.

20 Aug

Last night I started feeling worse and worse.  Normally when I feel something coming on I go to bed super-early.  But I will have to work til midnight really soon and my body is already going to be shocked.  As such, I HAD to stick it out until 9:30PM.  I felt so bad that I turned off my alarm clock (I never sleep to the alarm, but I’d be too nervous if I didn’t set it–just in case) for cleaning the vet hospital in the morning.  I try to go there every other day and had gone Monday, so was set to do it today.  But I had called Monday to make Rusty an appointment–and of course Wednesday was the first they could get me in.  And they were very explicit that I should drop off at 7:30AM.  So with the (impending) sickness, I didn’t think I should get up at 3-4AM, drop off the car, and be unable to nap.  If I get in bed after 5:20AM, I CANNOT sleep no matter how hard I try.  Anyway, so I decided I would clean work Wednesday night and still get it done on the every other day.

I slept fitfully because my body is trying to get sick and out of guilt for not cleaning–even though it’s a flexible schedule and I just have to make sure and go 3x/wk.  But I felt bad anyhow.  In the morning (the cats woke us up at 5:30AM, so I didn’t get tons of sleep), we went to drop Rusty off.  And–he had written that I called on Monday, but neglected to put me on the schedule for today.  So skipping work and dropping off was unnecessary because he put me on the very bottom of their full schedule.  Annoying.  And I felt icky so I almost said something about it.

At the track, I had intended to run a record 400m today.  I thought maybe if I warmed up slowly it could still be done.  Because I’m not completely sick, I can just tell it’s coming on.  But there is still time for preventative sleep/warmth/Zicam/vitamins/fluids.  But as soon as I started jogging I instantly felt TERRIBLE.  Everything ached, I felt tired, my muscles were stiff.  It was unpleasant.  I changed my mind about any speed work and just did a slow 2 miles practicing switching long strides and quick strides.  

When I got back to the apartment complex, the trashy-trashy, white-trash trashy lesboz that park next to us were over the line half in our spot.  So I had to squeeze in very tightly.  And when I opened the door, I was confronted with their barf-covered passenger door.  Who pukes on their car??!  Disgusting.  Cool wrote a note, but the tone was annoyed.  And I am all about feeling annoyed, but hesitated to give it to them, because, trashy people have no boundaries and who knows how they might retaliate.  But Cool put it on their barf-mobile anyway.  Fast-forward:  Next time I went to the car, theirs was gone, and the note was crumpled beside Cool’s car. . .

Rewind:  I went home and Cool made a wonderful huckleberry waffle breakfast.  I was feeling so crummy that the impossible occured and I actually was able to nap for 30 min.  But it wasn’t enough and I still felt like crud.  I get, for lack of better word, annoying sickness.  There’s no outward signs, but I feel feverish and fatigued.  Standing in the kitchen to make a frozen drink for Labor Dave about did me in, and I felt really crummy.  So I look a-OK, but feel ick-scum.  If it does come full-on (it hasn’t yet) I’ll get a fever and a head-cold.  Not cool times for public or for sitting in class.

Anyway, I didn’t get a call until 1:30PM asking permissions and pricing.  So I should have gone to work, and Rusty will not be finished today.  Which is super-annoying, because now Cool goes to work and I’ll have to clean at 3-4AM tomorrow–sacrificing more sleep when I’m (getting) sick.

That’s all.  I’ll work on my graph blogs today since standing up seems too much.  That reminds me, there are just 5 days til school starts and I have a HUGE list of things to do before then.  I’m mentally going insane, but my body won’t cooperate–it’s going to be a low productivity day when I need to kick it into high gear >:-[

From Bad To. . . Better?

15 Jan

I’m going to hate my Wednesday schedule.  My class starts at 10 AM on the dot, which means I have to leave work right at a certain time–not conducive to a veterinary schedule, especially surgery.  The struglasarus-LVT is scheduled with me.  She is slow, and I don’t really trust her.  This is a concern because I already have a lateness phobia.  And this particular class is built-in required observation hours.  So you can’t be late.  And if you miss one, you miss that observation hour–and I have no idea where I would make it up as I have no contacts HERE.  Add in a 7-8 min drive, an unmeasurable amount of time to find parking (in the over-sold lots), and 8-10 min walk from my car to the building, and still arriving in the room early enough to find a (good) seat [9:55AM at the very latest].  I have to leave by 9:35AM and hope everything goes smoothly.  There’s no wiggle room, and dire consequences. Well, it’s not awesome.

I was first VERY worried about getting everything finished at work this morning AND making it to class on time.  Stressed off the heezy, actually.  So I made sure to alert everyone at work about my concerns.  But then, with disapproving looks, body language, and little comments like, “You have a HALF hour to get there.”  I felt:  Guilty, worried, disgruntled, helpless, and frustrated.

Because:

-This is the only time this class is offered, it’s not like I chose it.

-I hate the new schedule too–I don’t want to leave work in the lurch OR be late to class.  And I worry about something going wrong on both ends (work and school).

-It makes me afraid they will change my schedule to Wednesdays off and put me back on all day Friday, in which case I’ll have to quit and search for a new job in the middle of a semester to keep my sanity.  And nobody likes that story.

-It’s not my fault that my school arranged the class at this time, that parking over-sells the lots, or that our LVT is incompetent.  I wish my work would tell the other gal to get her head out of her a$$, and quit giving me such grief.  And I wish school would be willing to work with me in ANY way.  But those things will never happen so I’m left hopeless.

And probably more.

And add a impending work evaluation to that and I was really stressed/worried/crabby when I got home from class.  And I thought my eval was probably going to be awful, because of all the schedule drama and intrapersonal cat-fighting.  But I KNOW I’m a good employee, and a lot of my attributes are obscured for emotional reasons.  So in order to calm myself, I went through every eval question and wrote an example of what I do in that particular area.  Which, actually made me hopeful, because when it’s all in writing and I can cite examples, it makes me feel confident I could defend any unwarranted attacks on my character.  Then, because the eval calls for rankings, I gave myself a 0-10 ranking on each subset.  Then, averaged those for a “grade.”  But then I realized you can’t average a scale as a percent, so I re-did it with a +1 good, 0 neutral, -1 bad.  Then averaged those numbers to quantitatively figure out my eval.

And I was happy to see when all said & done I have a 72%, and most of my characteristics fall into the meets expectations catagory–with a couple high in that box, and 1 item (motivation) even topping out exceeds expectations.  Being above average (especially when I judge others to fall below average) made me feel a LOT better.  Especially since I have data and examples to back up my claims.  Then I decided I’m HAPPY about evaluations because it will be a private, earnest, un-heated discussion.

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Procrastination List

16 Dec

I don’t know how some things end up there.  Phone calls, especially, tend to end up on things I should have done but didn’t yet do.  I hate making calls for whatever reason!  And sometimes when I finally DO whatever I’ve been putting off for days and days, weeks, or a semester as the case may be.  I needed a new student ID (to get free bus access for just in case) and this went on my to-do list in August.  I literally moved the item to every next school day because I never felt like I looked the same or better then my original picture on the card.  Finally, on FINALS week, in December I went in to get a new ID–only because next semester they charge you for it.  And I didn’t even have to take a new picture. . .  So I had put off the task, had to think about it, and stressed about it–really for nothing.  See what I did there–I procrastinated finishing that sentence above and told you an example story.  The point?  Sometimes when the task is done, it was so much shorter and easier then I thought, and there was no reason to put it off at all.  Procrastination is stupid.  It just makes the task that much bigger, scarier, take up more thought and time.

I know this, and yet.  For some reason I’ve really been putting off my scholarship application.  You remember how unlucky I’ve been with this in the past–maybe that’s part of it.  I know just how important it is–how could I throw away FREE money?!  I need it.  And it shouldn’t be that hard.  I think it will be fine to just edit my 6 essays of last year and re-submit them.  I guess that’s where my concern comes from.  Those essays didn’t get me money last year, so I feel I should have totally started over and written new ones.  But during the semeter I didn’t have take the time, and now I want to wade through NEXT semester’s class things instead of writing 6 new essays that may or may not garner me funding.  So I guess it’s out of guilt that I’m not finishing this scholarship app like I should.

uphill battle

And that guilt sucks.  I also had really wanted to volunteer over the year–that’s what gets you the real scholarship money.  But school and work just took over and that didn’t happen 😦  So I’m sort of stuck, knowing it’s too late this year, but feeling like maybe with enough effort I could salvage something.  I suppose I should just turn in what I have, and look to next year–set myself up more for success next time.

Giving up.  It’s a bad feeling.

why i hate soup

15 Nov

I woke up to pee in the night, and was horrified that I suddenly had a sore throat.  This is always, always the first sign of an impending cold.  And when I get sick, it really sucks, because 1)  it’s never the vomit and diarrahea stuff that keeps you at home, so I’m obligated to keep all my comitments.  2)  It’s always the same:  Invisble sore throat, into invisable fever that really makes me feel miserable, into a messy head cold.  Runny noses in silent 75 min lectures are the worst!  3)  I don’t sleep well–and this unleasehes a chain of events like being crabby, non-funtional at work, and extra worrying.

San Fran bridgeMost people want soup when they’re sick.  But the only soup I like is chowder–in a bread bowl.  Preferably in San-Fran at a Fisherman’s Warf stand-up table over-looking the water.  So today I’m pretty miserable.  I did stay an extra half hour at work, because they really over-booked the morning (and social tensions were actually low and I want to keep it that way) and I studied very productively.  But I feel rotton.  And of course guilty about leaving when there was still so much work to be done–and worried that social tensions will be at a peak again tomorrow because I did leave.  Maybe that’s just the tiredness talking.

But no one wants to hear about that same ‘ol stuff.  Here’s more about why I dislike soup.  Disclaimer when I didslike things (with the exception of french fries, which I will never, never, ever touch, let alone eat, in my LIFE) I just mean I don’t prefer them and wouldn’t chose them.  But I still eat them if need be.  Anyway, why soup is disargreeable to me:

It’s slow and unruly to eat.  As a rule, I dislike food you have to work at:  Lobster in the shell, ribs, caramel apples crabon a stick.  No matter how good the taste, I resuse to struggle around with my food.  I want things that I can quickly shovel into my mouth.  Soup has to be spooned, slowly, and slurrped.  Soup is better out of a thermos, because you can drink it–but why (when there are so many better things to pack in a thermos) would I chose soup?  It often drips down my chin from the bowl, and I hate that.

After all this work, I find that it’s not even filling.  Maybe the salt fills you up short-term, but usually I’m still starving after soup.  Salads too, for that matter.  Soup, is only tolerable when there’s bread to sop it up and fill you up–but again, why bother when you can just eat the bread?

Besides, super-hot temperatures hurt my mouth.  I hate all the waiting, and blowing before you can slurp soup.  I want to dig in–so I do.  And then I pay the price of scald-tongue, roof, cheecks, throat.  Not awesome.  Especially, when you can’t taste things for the next couple days because your skin has sloughed off.  That’s one of the things I love about Cool–she knows just how “hot” to make my beverages or foods.  To most people it’s leukwarm, but that’s just enough for me.

celestial cow

Even after braces, removal of impacted wisdom teeth, and gum-grafts–I had real food.  Like steak.

 

Shame, Shame, Shame–Full Disclosure

1 Nov

Another post that I do not WANT to write.  But it needs to be done.  No matter who sees it.  Writing this will put it out there and hold me accountable.

I intend to quit drinking all-together.  Like done.  

Here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back:  Cool and I wanted to celebrate Halloween–our favorite holiday.  Except I had an exam fairly late in the day.  So I studied all day prior to the exam, and took the exam at 2PM until 3:15 PM. Cool had taken the night off work this year and she wanted to go to a restaurant dressed in our costumes.  She was a banana and I was a butterfly.  And we were so, so responsible!  We wanted a drink at the resturant and knew on Halloween there would be drunk drivers, kids walking around, and police enforcement–not the best driving scene.  So we cabbed it.  Which was super-expensive at $42 round trip 😦

Halloween 2013 039

Anyway, so I had my first drink close to 4 PM.  Oh, and I had eaten a really filling skillet-scramble prior to my exam so this was on a pretty full stomach.  At the restaurant we shared a boneless wings meal also.  I never intended to get drunk, and don’t remember being drunk.  I knew full well that I had to work before the crack of dawn the next morning.  There was never a time when I thought–hmm maybe this drink isn’t the best idea.  And I didn’t drink any different amount then I usually do, but I guess it must have been a shorter span of time.

Because, when I woke up at 5AM I felt pretty rough.  But I got up, poured my normal coffee, and got water too and went through my normal morning routine figuring with hydration and caffeine I’d be set to go to work.  But maybe I drank all the liquid too fast, or the coffee was a bad idea.  Because as I sat there I began to feel worse.  But I have never, never, never missed responsibilites for drinking reasons, so I fully intended on going to work–knowing I might drag my way through the 4 short hours.  But then I felt terrible.  Like headache, dizzy, touchy belly–just full on horrible-hangover feelings I suppose.  And I stood up to start packing my backpack for work–and had the spins so bad I had to immediately sit back down.  I was really bad-off.

How could I go to work.  I couldn’t even stand, let alone drive–or actually work.  And I have never called in sick to this job in 3(?) years, I’ve only called in sick at all 3 prior times in my life.  And of course, today I was supposed to work with the doctor that now hates me and treats me badly, so I didn’t want to give her a legit reason not to like me.  But I just couldn’t pull through.  So I had to text everyone telling them I was sick–knowing full well on November 1st they would know I was hungover.  And that it would look bad.  And that it was bad and messy.

I feel ashemed, embarrassed, and sloppy.  That is not the person I am, and I can’t let that happen again.  So I think it’s best if me and alcohol part ways.  Yes, forever–not just as hang-over regret.  When drinking consequences bleed over into my work life, who knows where they would head next.  I don’t want to find out.  And I’m torn–I will probably need support and it’s no secret, but I’m hesitant to announce it too.  Because I don’t want to put any name to it, or have anyone make a huge deal about it or treat me like some kind of junkie.  I guess I can decide about that later.  I’m just better off without drinking, that’s all.

BUT–logistics!  We have all this really hard to find ice-wine in the house.  4 bottles?  And I don’t want to waste them.  I won’t do that.  So even though I have resolve to quit now, I think I will finish those first.  But then, for reals–especially now that I’ve typed and posted this–I’m done.

 

Imposter

25 Oct

I have been slowly working on my monthly goal accountability blog.  And to be honest, I don’t even want to write it.  I somehow feel like a failure.  Even though when I look at each item, I’m actually improving in most areas.  BUT I have this nagging feeling lately.  Just that I’m not doing enough–or in the right mind-set or something.  I mean, I AM studying and working and doing all the things–but feel like this semester I have a different mentality like my effort is not quite whole-hearted.  But it’s not really a clear-cut feeling or thing.  This post is confusing, because I am confused.

I have calmed down a little?  I’m not as intense?  Do I care less–No, that’s not really it.  I care a great deal about getting the 4.0, learning the info long-term, and getting accepted in a program–in Colorado.  And accomplishing all the smaller goals that will help make that ultimate goal happen.  I can’t quite put my finger on it–maybe it’s just a guilt complex.  Or maybe I need to commit more of myself.  I don’t know why this is, but I never feel it’s enough.  Am I tired or burnt out?

So that’s where I am.  My grades are not any worse.  I’m still doing all the things I need to do.  And I still spend much of my time studying.  Maybe I just feel. . .  Less stressed.  Because of my new work schedule and all.  And I had become accustomed to a constant low-level of anxiety at all times.  Yeah, maybe that’s the difference–I’m not constantly in crises mode now that my work schedule isn’t awful on my psyche. . .

It’s weird that I still feel sorta guilty that I’m not.  Stressed that is. . .  I don’t know what I’m not doing.  Do I feel guilty because I’m not super-stressed out and panicked?  Because something is nagging at me, and I’m still not certain what that thing is.

How mysterious and ambiguous a post this became–and to think, initially I was going to write about how I don’t really care for soup.

 

Should Have. . .

10 May

wisdom sx + tights 027Euthanasia is a difficult thing.  It’s hard to know if you’re making the right decision, and a responsibility I’m glad we have, but that can’t be taken lightly.  You just never KNOW when the right time comes.  I don’t want a buddy to suffer in any way, but I don’t want to jump the gun and disrespect life either.

That’s how it was with Sloppy.  She just suddenly got very ill and decisions had to be made.  You also second guess yourself about everything.

-Should I have taken her in for inappropriate urination immediately instead of putting it off until the end of the semester?  Even though she was notorious for peeing on things the whole time I knew her?

-Should I have given her a gratuitous lion cut?

-Maybe I should have put aside consideration for co-workers and MY job and just taken proper time to care for her more. . .  attentively (vitals, etc. . .) Monday at work.  Even though it was busy.

-Would a V/D x-ray have shown the impending congestive heart failure?  I only took a lateral to save time, and effort (for my co-workers), and supplies, and money.

-Should I have just left Sloppy at work Monday through Tuesday?  Even if it meant someone else would be left to clean her cage and take her vitals and treat her?

-If I hadn’t given her Buprenex on Tuesday for pain would I have noticed signs earlier?

-Did the pain medication cause Sloppy not to eat?  Would she have been OK if the opiates hadn’t put her in a 24 hour haze?

-Even though she finally settled down and seemed OK after a restless night Tuesday, should I have taken Sloppy to work with me Wednesday morning?

-I guess instead of trying to avoid going baaaack to work Wednesday and attempting to rinse the bladder by giving SQ fluids at home on Wednesday, anti-nausea medication, and trying to entice her to eat, I guess I should have taken her straight to work.

-If I had taken her in at 11 AM, instead of 2 PM, would the treatments relieved her symptoms instead of making them worse?

-Would I have seen signs of respiratory trouble if I had taken Sloppy home Wednesday night?  How long did she struggle before anyone came back to the building?  *Some things it’s better not to know*

-I woke up at 5:40 AM Thursday and thought about going in at 6:30 AM to clean and treat Sloppy–but didn’t because I thought it would confuse everyone (NO one reads, charts or records or the board) about what she did overnight, and besides, she might get treated twice.

-I thought about going in to clean and treat and maybe pick up Sloppy at 7:00 AM, but decided if I were scheduled to work, another person (or 2 b/c Cool would of course want to visit) in that small area would be more annoying then helpful, so opted not to.

-At 7:30 AM, I looked at the clock and thought about calling, but also knew everyone would have JUST gotten there and were probably trying to clean and take vitals and wouldn’t know anything yet anyway so a call would be bothering them.

-I should have taken my phone into the bedroom with me when I resumed closet-cleaning instead of leaving it by my laptop, because even though the volume was on 7, I never heard it when work tried to get a hold of me repeatedly.

Then, you never know when the end is.  I didn’t know what to do when I saw Sloppy’s distress.  best seat in the houseWhen you’re emotionally involved, it’s difficult to see clearly–without hope intruding upon logic.  The x-rays?  Suddenly cloudy.  The respiration were 90 outside the oxygen kennel and still 60 inside it.  Sloppy looked scared and uncomfortable.  But could Lasix bring her out of it?  She had JUST been fine.  I gave her vaccines just Monday.  She had been bright-eyed that day.  I never expected to have to make life-decisions by Thursday.  So I gave myself a parameter [Side-note:even though Sloppy has been Cool’s cat for the last 14 years and only mine for the last 4 years, she sort of defers to me as the expert.  Which I, in no way feel like.  Especially in a dire circumstance such as that.]  If the prognosis was poor or grave we would say our goodbyes.  If the vet said fair, we would do all things necessary, no matter the money or sleeplessness or time involved.  Options were presented:

-Should I have taken Sloppy to emergency that night?

-Should I have taken the O2 cage home and tried to let everything leave her system?

-Would she just turn a corner given more time (24-48 hours)?

-Or would she just suffer?

Christmas fun 022Finally, I asked the prognoses.  Poor in the short term and grave long term.  And I had my answer.  So then it fell upon me to make Cool understand, convince her the right choice to make, support her best I could, and give Sloppy as best of a last moment as possible.  But still, I had doubt.  It was difficult to keep to my initial parameter of prognosis to dictate what to do.  And I knew suspected (I know nothing definitively) I had played a part in the rapid down-turn, which made everything worse.

Bottom line is everyone was trying to help Sloppy.  And sure maybe some wrong choices were made.Sloppy doing the shirt  But it’s so easy to see them looking backward, already knowing the outcome now.  You re-think every decision you made and didn’t and it could really make a person crazy.  And what’s the point of that?  What’s done is done and Sloppy is gone anyway.  I just hope she realizes how much she was loved. . .  Sloppy-Joe, I love you and we miss you ❤

Motivated by Guilt

22 Feb

It just KILLS me when there is not a single appointment scheduled in the afternoon, two other people working, and I am already gone for class from 1-3 PM. Why bother going back until 5:30 PM? And when I ask to just leave for the day to study for my exam my boss says, “Is this the SAME exam? How much do you need to study for ONE test?”

It is the perfect example of why my undergrad GPA is lower then I like–and subsequently I am in this position of starting over instead of at the finish line of some career.  It made me resentful and motivated to find another (part-time) job.  One that is low key that would allow me to focus on what’s really important–my studies.

But did this stop me from feeling bad?  It wouldn’t have made any sense for me to go back to work.  Only to wack my pud ie scrub walls and the like until closing.  And if I AM so imperative to the operation, one–that is sad for my co-workers and two–I should demand a raise.

I might have to make moves to change my scene–real soon.  Before the past repeats itself.  Wish me luck on my exam.  I’m going for that elusive perfect score!

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