Tag Archives: Kim

Mary-Married

23 Feb

When I talked to my Mom on the phone this week, she was telling me Del Minor (Mary’s mom) died at the beginning of the month.  Shaun (Mary’s gossipy sister-in-law) was being all shady when my mom asked when the funeral was going to be.  Obviously, Del was a central figure in our town and my mom knew her and thus wanted to pay her respects.  But after asking Shaun a couple of times and being told noncommittal answers my parents saw in the news that the funeral had taken place—2 days prior.  So I guess our family was blacklisted, which is shitty, though they probably could have looked in the news or talked to someone else about the date and time if they had really wanted to go.  But oh well.

 

So that night, I looked online to read the obituary.  And there it was—they listed the survivors.  And they listed them as couples.  There was several of Mary’s older siblings, then Tom (Mary’s brother) and his wife Shaun.  Then last in oldest to youngest order:  Mary Minor and this new name- Sandra __________.  At first I thought it was some kind of typo—they put one of Del’s sibs next to her youngest child’s name accidentally.  Because the Mary I know would never have her private life broadcast.  Especially if the town of Dayton was to see it.  Plus, how in the world would she even be with anyone?!

 

But I looked up the gal’s name online—and sure enough, there was not only a marriage announcement of Mary and this gal-but a picture!  I still would have doubted t, just because it was so out of character for Mary.  I mean, this is the person, who when I realized I was gay at the tender age of 18, she took my in the bathroom at work, with the fan on, and asked that I not tell her secret.  No regard for what I must have been feeling, how shell-shocked I might be–just ‘don’t tell anyone that she’s gay.’  But they blog supplemented the announcement with a picture.  So I knew without a doubt it was the same Mary I knew (past tense intentional).  Also, this Tahoe wedding happened in 2013? So I’m way behind the scene.  Which is good, because thinking about Mary and the cabin-mansion makes me feel icky inside and makes me have nightmares.  I had even asked my mom not to share the gossip she gleaned from Shaun or the community, because I don’t want to think about that part of my life.  And I guess that was necessary because even though Mary saw Shaun as an enemy when I knew her, Shaun must have gotten the picture that we are not on good terms, so she stopped sharing any information with my mom–she didn’t know.  And as much as I don’t like to think about those dark times, and dark characters, part of me wished I would have known—just for curiosity’s sake.

 

Obviously, a lot has changed.  The Mary I knew was an absolute PILL because she was such a closet-case.  Like, Kim and her were together for 6 years or something when they moved together to Dayton, and Mary was so secretive that she wouldn’t wear their ring on her left hand.  And when they moved neighborhoods, they did it at night—to escape prying eyes.  She never acknowledged who Kim was—even though it was fairly obvious.

 

Also Mary was a MESS when I went back in 2009.  Her and Kim were pretty over.  Mary played the part of the Godfather.  Cold and calculating and in control of the people around her and the information exchanged.  She was cheating with the hairdresser.  She invited me there, gave me my job back, then scapegoated me–I suspect because I knew too much and I was not an adequate replacement for her dead niece Brenna.  She was such an awful person at that time that I questioned if she had ever been a good influence in my life.  Had she always had sketchy ethics and I had been too naive to see it?  All I knew is that I was disillusioned and never wanted to have her in my life again.  When she subscribed to my Facebook page (really stupid because FB notifies you) I blocked her.  Just so she doesn’t exsist anywhere in my life.  And I would be horrified if I ran into her (which is highly plausible in a small town) when visiting my parents.  So with all those feelings, and my insider knowledge at least of that time in her life, it’s hard to imagine she’s OK enough now to attract a new girlfriend—let alone someone who wants to marry her.

 

And the fact the marriage was posted online and done in Tahoe was completely different from the Mary I knew.  I come back to it, jst because it astounds me.  I guess she’s grown as a person, so that’s good for her.  I can’t help but wonder if she’s alright now, or just the same shit-head with a new wife to treat badly and make disappear.  Mary has a way of dominating and being Godfather that makes other disappear.  She controls those in her inner circle, hides things from those outside, and annihilates those she deems enemies–however small their perceived infraction.  I say perceived, because Mary herself knows a few of those people were only defending themselves against her attacks–they didn’t do anything to warrant her wrath.  I have to wonder-Would we have animosity or see 2009 as a bad scene for both of us?  Water under the bridge or enemies forever?  I really don’t know, but her seemingly new outlook on life makes me wonder.

 

Also, does Kim know?  Is she coherent enough to?  Do Mary and her talk or hate one another?  And what does Mary see their relationship as?  A mistake?  Or does she see that she choked the life out of Kim, squashed her spirit until nothing but alcoholic coping and emptiness were left?  Kim probably had a genetic predisposition, and Mary fostered those drinking ways, but in the end, I think the seclusion and control are what really did Kim in.  And nows she’s just a shell of who she used to be.  I feel sorry about that, yet I don’t talk to her either, because there’s just nothing there.

 

I had so many questions!  And the whole thing gave me just icky feelings of remembrance.  One thing you can count on Dayton for is gossip.  I’ll hear eventually.

Nothing Cool About This

28 Nov

You just have to weed out the toxic.  I better practice what I preach so I wrote an angry letter to one of the strongest influences in my life:

Guess who subscribed to my updates without messaging me or friend requesting me??? Mary. Guess she didn’t realize Facebook gives me an e-mail alerting me of Facebook stalkers. I think it’s gross that she was curious about what I was doing without wanting to make a connection with me. I just blocked her, b/c I do not need toxic people in my life.

And on that same note: Did you delete my happy birthday message from your wall? And disregard my last message? I can only do so much to reach out to you and overlook so much, before you begin bringing me down. I want you in my life–but not if you bring me more sadness and negativity then positive influence.

I am only speaking so freely b/c I am tipsy, but obviously it needs saying. Honestly, just delete me all-together if you’re not actually my friend. I am tired of drama. I am tired of getting my hopes up that you are solid and that you are back in my life. B/c you meant a great deal to me in the past, I have given you more chances then most. I hope you come around, but am tired of dealing if you haven’t. If you can’t be in my life for real–responding to contact and telling me what’s going on with you–then don’t be in it at all. It hurts too much. Either be in my life–or don’t contact me again. I’ll probably regret this, but I’m sending. . .

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Standing Up For Me

5 Nov

Kim had written me back–ignoring my hurt feelings and anger.  Just skipping over the important things and talking about how she’s looking to buy a bar.  And she didn’t remember basic details of my life.

I held off responding because I didn’t know whether to just overlook it and let her off the hook and play the part of supportive friend, or call her on her bad decision and poor behavior towards me.  Then, I got tipsy.  I took the opporuntunity to say what I really wanted to say and ask something I really wanted to know.

It made me proud to stand up for myself in a way I never have with Kim or Mary.  I took control of the situation for once and called her on her bullshit.  I deserve more than she has been giving me.  So We’ll see how she reacts.  If she cuts ties again–no loss, she’s toxic to me anyway.  But maybe, just maybe she will acknowledge how she hurt me and provide me with some answers.

I can feel good about it either way.

To Let Her Off the Hook?

4 Nov

Or should I say rod?  Anyhow, here’s my latest poem/song:

You are a shimmering curtain gently blowing in the breeze.  So pretty from a distance, matching the rest of the decor.  I bought you just knowing you would go with the rest of my things.  I hadn’t a doubt about the practicality of my purchase.  I embraced your sheer fabric and pretty coloring.

All you are now is the past.  Memories.  You do not offer anything.  Except good memories.

The wind moves you.  You are difficult to pin down, you sway so.  Flapping ever so gently in the wind.  Quiet, yet uneasy.  You are not still unless the wind around you dies down.  You do not control your own movements.  You are controlled by outside forces.

Frustration, emptiness, regret–that’s how you make me feel.  These days.  Disappointment.  So many questions in the wake of your superficial responses.  I wonder if I was.  Am just a liability to you.  How do you not remember me better?  Why don’t you know me?  I feel like I know you.  Maybe I never did.  Maybe I don’t want to.

And you are never entirely open.  You move, briefly opening, then blowing back down.  Constant motion.  And upon closer inspection, you are tattered and worn.  When I touch your fabric it is thin, tiny holes starting to wear through.  More wind and turbulence will make the holes larger.  Greater gyration will destroy the gauzy material you are made of–until you rip entirely.

To overlook or pin-point responsibility where it belongs.  I never know how to proceed with you.  Our relationship so tenuous, full of secrets.  You so unwilling to open up.  I can’t have that.  It’s toxic to me.  But I know you are sick.  Co-dependent.  On Mary.  On alcohol.  They are the same.  You do not cope with life.  You are too old for that.  I am too.

One day you will be ruined and new drapes will be purchased.  They will be more durable and strong.  They will not move so much in tumultuous weather.

I want answers.  But will I get them?  Even if I compromise.  What I want and need.  Giving you a piece of my heart.  To trample on again?  Talking to you at all is giving you a part of me.  Pain.  Pain and unanswered questions is all you give back.

I will buy new drapes that can be closed securely or pulled open.  They will be thicker.  They will certainly be dependable and practical.  They will also be more fashionable, newer, and better.

Does It Even Matter At This Point?

22 Oct

Kim wrote me last night.  It sounds tired and trite even as I write it.  No, I am not stuck in some Groundhog Day moment–it just feels like this keeps happening again and again.  As always, I was excited (less so than in the past).  As always, I responded (but with more honesty).  As always, Kim’s words brought back bad memories, old issues, and sleepless nights.  No change there.

So again, no apology or explanation about why she cut off communication.  Just a friendly intro per the usual as if nothing had happened.  As if she didn’t suddenly drop me from her Facebook friend’s list (yeah, I accepted her new request) or write one sentence a year but never returned any comments or wrote again. . .

Some progress on the Mary front.  “She made Mary kick her out” by confronting her (FINALLY) about sleeping with the hairdressr.  I have to say, after all the hype, it wasn’t even worth hearing that Mary finally admitted that she did.  It was old news.  Everyone already knew–had known since 2007.  Before I ever got back there.  Everyone knew.  This should not have been Earth-shattering stuff in 2010. . .  

But the inevitable move out, break up, start from scratch occurred.  Mary didn’t want to be friends, and all the better for Kim, I say.  Ugh, WHY do lesbians always want to be friends with their exes?  It’s kinda morbid and it doesn’t work.  Once you have fucked someone the dynamic is forever different than superficial pals.  When will girl-loving-girls learn?  At any rate, Kim is back with family where she belongs.  But still worrying about how Mary has skewed the story (to her own advantage) in Dayton.  Well, enough of those rifts and stories and Dayton will get wise–or not.  Who.  Cares.  

The poor adopted–and then unceremoniously UNadopted little boy–was just a side-note to the main story.  Kim didn’t seem all that sorry that together she and Mary had ruined that little guy.  She talked about it very briefly in the context that Mary couldn’t handle him after Kim moved out for even 12 weeks.  That story still makes me ill and heart-sick.  With those two it’s like anybody else is just extraneous.  No care for the feelings of that innocent kid, and me to a much lessor degree.

Kim went on to say her beloved cat had died, but strangely didn’t mention the passing of her grandma that meant so much to her.  Maybe she knew I already knew about that.  She tells about a new cat (Gingi) and sums up with an acknowledgement that she hasn’t been the best at keeping in touch (you think?) and she will do better (heard it before).

I excitedly wrote back.  Why do I DO it?  I guess I didn’t say anything unexpected:  I’m glad she’s out of that situation and away from Mary, who cares what Dayton thinks, sorry about Buster-Brown, and I’m glad she’s close to her family again.  What I did mention was how the ordeal at the Cabin-Mansion messed me up to the point I still dream of it.  I told Kim I had been conflicted about Mary (she already knew my feelings on this matter) but I also told her I was angry at her.  Maybe I should not have used the past tense, since this blog is hinting at more anger and frustration towards Kim’s tenuous contact/relationship with me.  I went as far as saying I thought she had given up on herself and written me off.  I am proud of me for that I guess.  Maybe it wasn’t enough.

Last night, when I was awake and analyzing the past as I usually do when I hear from Kim, I thought about writing and telling her not to talk to me at all if she can’t keep the lines of communication wide open.  I thought maybe it would be better if I just told her it hurts me too much to hear snippets from her.  That it brings up all this toxic garbage that I think is over.  I guess we’ll see if she’s sincere about being friends now that she’s entirely away from Mary.

Snakes, Beverage Debate, and Burial

15 Oct

I hardly ever remember my dreams.  As soon as I wake up they’re gone.  But today I remember two of them.  I’ll have to look up what they mean.

Cool and I were at one of Kim and Mary’s BBQ parties.  Mary was aloof.  Kim was being weird, first ignoring me and refusing a hug, then if I was disgruntled trying to make me laugh.  She wanted me to like her, without being close or upsetting Mary.

After awhile they made me mad so Cool and I drove off heading for home.  We turned down a side road and a large truck and three huge snakes were blocking the way.  One of the snakes was all gross and dead.  But the one on the right was alive and it scared me.  I ordered Cool to turn the car around and drive away quickly.

Another route to go home was blocked by a big, black snake.  This snake seemed even more hostile.  So we tried to turn around again, but this snake was interested in following us.  I told Cool not to stop at the stop sign at the upcoming intersection.  She was afraid about making a quick left turn into traffic.  Because the sanke was after us she did.  And we were almost hit by a speeding logging truck.  The snake still followed too.

The dream ended with us pulling in front of the logging truck and the big, black, mean snake falling in behind the logging truck-still after us.

In the second dream, Cool and I were just hanging out.  I already forgot the whole first part, but we ended up in some sort of downtown.  We went inside a small super-church with bleacher seating and a PA announcer.  We saw my parents and their friends Kathy and Don, and they introduced us to two churchy girls.  Then, the service was about to begin and neither Cool or I wanted to sit through it, so we agreed to leave.

We kinda hung around outside the chruch on the concrete.  I was debating (in my head) whether I should suggest getting a beer or a coffee) and Cool I thnk was talking about some impending trip to Spain.  This was already a known trip to me–and I wasn’t going along.  I was wondering if a drink in the morning would be some sort of alke behavior.  I don’t think I got a chance to mention either beverage, before some music? group approached us.  

They were famous in my dream.  I can’t remember what we did or said.  Then, the really tall guy ended up picking me up and throwing me high in the air.  I was scared, but in a fun way.  Their was laughing.  Then, I forgot this part as well.

I was sitting on the concerete ground and I’m not sure what Cool was doing other than standing by my left.  Oprah came out of the church, grabbed my face, and said, “Kindron?!”  I said I wasn’t and pointed to Cool.  Oprah said the church wanted to bury us before they ate burgers.  This wasn’t sinister in my dream, it was more like a baptism thing.  Oprah said they wanted me second and  I should follow.

We went back in the church nervous and the pastor was talking over the microphone.  So Oprah, Cool, and I sat on a bench and waited our turn before I woke up with a dead arm.

Evaluation:

 Snake is a positive symbol suggesting changes and self-renewal. Snakes, especially twining snakes, is a signal of a healing dream. You are obviously ready to move on toward the future and no longer want to relive the past. 

So maybe I now realize Kim and Mary are toxic to me and am finally ready to move on entirely.

To dream that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

 

To dream that you are inside a church suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

To dream that you are walking on a sidewalk, represents your steady progress and direction in life. You may be experiencing new walks of life. If the sidewalk is cracked, then it signifies minor and temporary setbacks that are keeping you from getting to your destination. Perhaps you need to alter your course and make some changes in your life. 

To dream that you are floating on air indicates satisfaction, contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems and rising above obstacles. You are experiencing new-found freedom and gaining a new perspective on things. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle. Alternatively, floating in your dream suggests that you are wandering through life aimlessly with no goals. You are just going with the flow.

To see a burial in your dream, indicates that you have gotten rid of your bad habits and have freed yourself from a negative situation. You are finally letting go of something. 

To dream that you are burying a living person, signifies emotional turmoil. Alternatively, it suggests that you are being buried by problems and stresses of your waking life.

To dream that you are being buried alive, suggests that you are being undermined or stifled in some way. You are feeling trapped or helpless.  

To dream of a christening symbolizes a renewal and fresh beginning. You may be undergoing a transformation where you want to better yourself as a person.

So there you have it!  Clear as mud.

I Might Believe (in) You if I Didn’t Know

15 Mar

“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.  I been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.  And it’s taken me this long, baby, but I’ve figured you out. . .”

I always thought Kim was as fond of me as I was of her.  I missed hearing from her and felt strong empathy for her situation.  I just kept waiting, and waiting for that contact from my friend–it was torturous.  When Kim did make the effort to talk to me, it was only more agony.  Nervousness about what she would say, frustration at all the unanswered questions, sadness upon the realization she was drinking, excitement about future plans, then inevitable disappointment.  It was always very upsetting to get a random call, text, or message from Kim, but then none of the promised follow up communication.  I would fret and wonder if I had said or done something wrong, then scrutinize the conversation to death trying to figure out why she disappeared again.

“You don’t have to call anymore, I won’t pick up the phone.  This is the last straw, don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

As much as I loved to hear from Kim, and as good as I felt resuming our comfortable relationship, it was almost worse being reminded of her only to have that familiar dearth of communication again.  But I kept making excuses for Kim to justify her hurtful actions.  I would placate myself by blaming Mary’s stringent regulations for Kim’s silence.  I was livid at Mary for banning Kim from talking to me when she could still continue her affair with the hairdresser.

All this time I had thought that at least the two of us were on the same side of the fight.  Recently I realized this was an erroneous assumption when I heard Kim finally fled the Cabin-Mansion, but she still didn’t contact me.  How could I possibly conciliate my emotions and blame anyone but Kim for this current paucity of connection?  I could no longer primarily blame Mary for Kim’s lack of communication.  It makes me replete with dolorous, disappointment.

“. . .  Could have loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold.  And you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know. . .”

There was a time when I would have waited for Kim to come around.  I just knew she was a life-long friend, if not my soul-mate.  I only gave up after abounding miscommunication, no communication at all, and a lot of outside interference.  I hate, hate, hate to think it, let alone type it, but maybe my relationship with Kim was just a string of disappointments.  Sure, we got along famously.  We would laugh a lot, and understood each other.  I knew how Kim felt about a lot of things, and she could read me better than almost anyone else.

But there was another aspect:  Sober Kim was not very forthright.  The only times she would open up and really talk, or divulge any information or motivation was when she was trashed.  I would wait for such moments and embrace them, choosing to remember only those times, and not the times when I was left confused, wondering, and frustrated about the most basic goings-on in Kim’s life.

And now I realize I could never live a life of not knowing.  And I won’t accept addiction for a little probity.  I am better than that, and do not need alcohol to influence any connection with another, whether they be friends, family members, or a lover.  I want all of my relationships to be frank, open, honest, and sincere.  And that is something I could never have with Sober-Kim.  I simply cannot stand to wonder. . .

“. . .  You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade. . .”

It deeply hurts me to accept that this current Kim is not the verdant Kim I met when I was 17 and inexperienced in life.  She has been wasted by alcohol, damaged by the isolation Mary bestowed upon her, and she is not going to get any more of my worry.  Kim was no longer optimistic or funny when I went back to Dayton.  All the fun was drained out of her, and in its place was loneliness and vodka.  The second time I knew Kim, she was just an effigy of the person I had known prior to my Missouri move.  She was going through the same motions she had before, but as an image–nothing seemed genuine, and everything about her was tinged with sadness.

The stress of the Cabin-Mansion certainly lionized Kim in my mind–she was the only semi-bright spot of that whole deal.  When she was drunk or trying to ply herself with my alcohol, she was the only person that knew what I was going through and felt sorry about it.  How could I not honor her?  But just because there is a dandelion in the poison hemlock, doesn’t mean it’s still not a weed.  Maybe my feelings toward Kim were more apocryphal than I knew, just because we had suffered together.  I am finished.  That part of my life is over.  Chapter complete–now for the book.

1!)  Song is “You’re Not Sorry” by Taylor Swift

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