Tag Archives: missing my pet

Independent Woman

16 Dec

I told Cool that if I ever lose the use of my legs or need diapers to euthanize me. That is how important my independence is to me.

So I’m very skeptical I would like to be in the military. I know full-well that the affordable housing, job opportunities, and paid tuition–come at a cost.  Once you sign on that dotted line the government owns you.  You are no longer a free agent.  Sure, they’ll say that they try to accommodate you, but when it comes down to it–you are going to do what the military tells you to do, and that’s it.

I feel guilty about being stubborn against this idea.  But I’m reminding myself that yes, it’s absolutely ok to be stubborn about your own life–I am the one who has to live it.  I don’t have to justify my choices to anyone.

Enter my well-meaning parents.  They are worried about how I’m going to pay for graduate school.  I am also super-worried.  They feel like the solution to ALL my problems is going into the Navy.  Which, I could do.  And I’d like to follow in my father’s footsteps, and I’d be honored to serve my country.  BUT the logistics just do not work out for what I want in my life.  But they won’t listen to me.  They don’t hear my concerns, they just think I’m making an uninformed stubborn choice.  And I can tell saying no about this is stepping into a landmine.  It’s going to hurt the good place my relationship with my parents has finally gotten to.  Which sucks!  It was hard work getting to this better place with them.  School funding/Navy is a point of contention, for sure.  Except–you should not join the military for someone else, and you should never do it out of guilt–which is what I would be doing.  I did look into it and here is why it just isn’t going to work for me at this point in my life:

-It’s an 8 year commitment!

That’s a long time.  That’s all 4 years of school AND 4 more.  There is a lot of opportunity for being moved around.  A lot of dealing with less then optimal conditions.  And 8 years to worry about my little family and my own survival.

-I would have to be separated from my family.  

That’s what I have.  It’s my whole support system.  Cool wouldn’t be traveled around with me (more on this later), and I’m sorry if that makes me weak and a whiner–I want to be with her.  Maybe other people can live apart from their mate, but I never want to.  Also, Kitties cannot go to bootcamp, nor to officer training, or to different countries–and moving them around to different states would be difficult at best.  After being separated from them in Seattle–I want my pets to live with me.  I love them and they are my responsibility.

-I am gay.  And this poses many problems:

–Cool and I aren’t married because I think it’s an antiquated tradition, she would ruin my good credit, and I figure why bother when the benefits depend what state you’re in at the time.  In the military, they try to ensure married couples remain together–they could care less about what the law considers a roommate.

–So She and I would have to be apart.  When and how would I see her?  And where would she live?  How would she afford it?  What if her bipolar flared up as it does and things went terribly wrong?  I wouldn’t be there.  That doesn’t work for me.

–Also, being gay may be legal in the military, but that isn’t the same thing as being accepted.  It’s a lot to ask of me to hide a fundamental aspect of who I am.  But if I didn’t I could be teased, hazed, harassed, or even raped.  I want no part of that–and who could blame me?

-I do not want to involve a recruiter

to get specific answers to my questions I have to call a recruiter.  Which I don’t want to do.  They give you the hard-sell.  They gloss over the bad parts and emphasize the good, so you really have to read the fine print anyway.  They spam you!  I don’t want constant phone calls or mailers pressuring me.

-I’m fearful about the training and expectations.  

I’m not sure I’d like getting screamed at.  With work, I could do the physical stuff, but I in no way want to take my gas mask off for such and such amount of time like you have to in the Navy.  I might be capable of doing it, but I think I would be very unhappy and stressed about it.

-I don’t like travel.  

Basic is 2 weeks in some cold, Great Lake state.  Officer training is in RI–for a month.  You have to spend such and such time per year training who knows where.  They promise you during your service they try to put you where you want to be, but let’s be real, if the government needs you somewhere they’re going to put you there, whether it works for you or not.  And on relatively short notice.  Plus, I have bathroom privacy and hygiene standards that cannot be accommodated in a military lifestyle.  I need a (warm) shower EVERY day!  And a private bathroom stall (with American plumbing) and a door and a fan.

-I don’t want stress, trauma, or long term effects like my dad (and many, many others) have

I’m sensitive,  I don’t want to undergo emotional trauma, physical abuse, and I would be suicidal if I went through the sexxual abuse common in the military and in the Middle East.  I also don’t want PTSD which is a very real side-effect of service.

-I don’t want to risk my LIFE

I also have NO interest of traveling abroad–especially the Middle East.  And I read they are starting to put Audiologists on the forefront of actions because of portable equipment.  Before they mostly did noise-prevention and VA stuff, but with accessible equipment, the government can stop sending soldiers to the closest sound booth (in Germany) after explosions and check them right on the front lines.  That means audiologists are on the front lines.

-And bottom line, the money/perks just aren’t that great.

I can get better stipends from my school, or at the very least loans that don’t involve travel and put my life on the line.  I will find a job once I’m out of school, and I could still do noise-prevention or VA work as a civilian.

I’m going to have to put my foot down to my parents, and I hope it doesn’t cause a big, ugly scene.  But better that then ruining what I want for my life.  I’ll just have to find another way to finance my education.  This is about me and what I want, and nobody–even my parents–gets to demand what path I take.  I just hope they can understand that I’m not just being rebellious, I actually researched and see many reasons why that’s not what I want. . .

The German: Wish Agenda

29 May

We visited The German our first 3(?) years of living here.  It’s a lot like historic Virginia City near my hometown, but not x-mas lights 2013an authentic, restored tourist attraction–it’s just a themed tourist attraction.  Oh and it’s not old west like V.C. it’s Bavarian.  We love it–the whole place is like a 24/7 festival with costumes and art and vendors and cute little shops and festive food.  Everything I like.  But we didn’t go last year because we picked up Goose on Memorial Day weekend (one of the few times I had a string of 3 days in a row off to actually leave town).  And we didn’t get to go over Christmas, because  I was no longer eligible for time off of work, and because Cool had no money.  And it didn’t work out this Memorial weekend (happy anniversary Goose!) just because I don’t wanna spend ANY money while I’m unemployed.  Which I want to mention it’s never fair how when you have money there’s no time, and when you have time, you can’t spend money.

And I think even though the Germans are beer-centric, it has enough other stuff that not drinking wouldn’t be a huge deal.425758_10151408175891833_918939663_n  I’d still like to go one day–in the winter actually.  As they have a tree-lighting ceremony, snow shoeing, and *BIG DEAL* you can lead the sled dogs.  I have been wanting to do that for ages.  Maybe Colorado Utah has something similar when we’re there next year?!

steamboatI hope so, because leading the sled dogs is on my bucket list, and I would be really disappointed if we lived this close and never got to do it, and it wasn’t available anywhere else.  OK, I’m going to look it up–I need to know

For now, I’m looking forward to TWO days at Labor Dave Weekend at the Gorge on Labor Dayampitheatre 6 weekend, and that will have to suffice as far as travel goes.  And that will be spectacular because this year Brandi Carlile joins DMB–just what we requested.  If you noticed my writing sucks a little (more) today, and I’m starting a lot of sentences with “and” it’s because I’ve just spent a substantial chunk of time interviewing for a job, driving, then working on my personal statement.  I’m hungry and my brain is FRIED.

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A Day Late: My Thanks

29 Nov

I had a sort of bad day yesterday:

-I was awake the night before fretting over this stupid, “small” paper that’s due Monday.

-I spent the majority of the day formatting my sources.

-Cool was being a turkey–as she does every time I get a full day off.

-When we went to make our Indian Tacos, I discovered we were short on flour.

-We suddenly had the kitchen of a crack-whore.  Just bare.

But at night, before going to sleep Cool and I did an exercise of everything we’re thankful for.  Here’s mine:

-First and foremost, I’m thankful about my new Friday schedule.  It’s just one day, but it changes my whole attitude and outlook.  I’m way less worried, annoyed, stressed, tired, and frustrated.  I had been dreading Fridays all week, for a long time and it was really bringing me down.  I feel SO much better now!

-Rusty.  I am very thankful to have a dependable car that I don’t have to pour a lot of money into or worry about. Rusty I’m thankful for the 4×4 so I can get to work and school as needed, the AAA so I don’t have to worry about a breakdown or be stuck when bad thigs happen.  And mostly–the remote start.  I LOVE that I don’t have to go on that cold, dark (dangerous) street and scrape my windows or sit in a freezing car.

-My family being in one state.  I’m so glad Goose can finally live with us.  And I’m also glad that it improved my relationship with my parents.  Things with them are going very well, and it feels great.  I’m also glad Choco-Luv is healthy and happy and gets along so well with Cool.  It feels good to have my own little family.

parasailing 001

-Netflix.  It saves a lot of money to be able to stream shows and movies.  And commercial-free.  Saves money in not paying for satellite, not buying DVDs, and not going out for entertainment.

-I’m also thankful for the electric throw blankets, electric blanket, goose-down comforter, and infrared light in the bathroom.  It makes life a lot easier not to be constantly cold.  Everything seems better when you’re a cozy recovering from sxtemperature.  AND those things don’t ramp up the utility bill too much.

-My new clogging shoes.  I had so much fun with the whole talent show experience.  And having the shoes makes me excited and hopeful.

-Obviously, I’m thankful for Marble and the internet.  I would be a lot less happy if I were without those!  And Spotify music which makes everything I want to listen to available so easily and free.

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Sleepless in. . . Boise

28 May

Here is a quick update of my legit 3 day weekend:

1. House-sit. Awoken by dog at 3:45AM to pee outside (the dog, not me). Go to Forester Friday for next 12 hours.

2. House-sit. Awoken by dog at 3:30AM to play fetch.

garden 2 edit3. Drive 7 hours to Boise to meet parents halfway to pick up my beautiful maine coon buddy!

4. Arrive in Boise having forgotten everything cat-related. No food, litterbox, bed. . .

5. Eat dinner and sleep from 8-10PM Saturday night.

6. Awaken to a hollering maine coon buddy who is coming off drugs and confused about where he is.

7. In an attempt not to wake up my 3 snoring roommates, the neighbors, and everybody in the city of Boise, I bring the fluffy-britches into bed with me. He tries to jump up for the next 2.5 hours so I have to restrain him.

8. At 12:45AM, the buddy is off his drugs and I can no longer keep him in the bed. I decide to give fe-lionhim another pill, hoping to sedate him and get some sleep.

9. On drugs, Goose gets stressed and yowls, waking the 3 people in my room, and probably the neighbors.  I am certain, despite being exhausted, we are going to have to take the cat and start driving the 7 hours home immediately.

10. He remains talkative and inconsolable until my parents travel halfway across the city at 3AM to buy him food and us caffeine.

11.  Grampe was correct–Goose was very hungry and settled down after a meal.  I slept from 5-7AM.

12.  Wanting to have a little fun with my parents (we hadn’t seen mom since 2010 and only saw dad briefly at a funeral last year) we got ready to go out on the town.

Boise--May 2013 01813.  On very little sleep, the 4 of us went to the zoo (wonderful!) and the Old Idaho Penitentiary (interesting!) then to the Spaghetti Factory for “lupper.” I was about to collapse from tiredness.Boise--May 2013 087

14.  We went to bed at 8PM, and sleep was punctuated by restless parents, and a meowing unsettled cat.

15.  At 3AM, my dad tried to get us up to go, and was convinced by mom that it was not quite time.

16.  At 4AM, it was time to get up and shower.

17.  We were in Oregon (and their stupid slow speed limits and weird not-self serve gas pumps) by 7AM.

18.  And home by noon.

19.  Then, we went to bed for the night at 5:30PM and I work up at 5AM.  A record, I’m sure!

20.  But all my cats live in ONE state now and I’m so happy about that.  Plus, it was a really great trip with my parents.  And now it’s time to grocery shop and it’s back to house-sitting for the next 7-8 days. . .

Dead Giveaway

13 May

I guess this turned into a sort of rambling post.  But in the interest in establishing routines, I’m going to publish it.  I also cleaned for an hour (after being at work for 11 hours) and ran a mile on the treadmill–just because it was raining outside.  So here’s my effort to write.  Tomorrow will be higher quality work, but today is about making habits:

It’s a creepy feeling to receive e-mails from someone when you don’t think THAT person actually sent the message. It’s truly weird when the sender has been deceased for 10 months. . .

Laurel's pics 728

In other news, my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd (I was in Multi-Aged Group or MAG) grade teacher died last week. I’m sad I didn’t reach out to her more on Facebook, and I guess the word is disappointed I didn’t realize she was critically ill.

It’s also strange to think that I am now old enough that teachers and such are old enough to DIE. I mean, without an accident or some other incident that takes them too young. I’m old enough where people that impacted my life are getting old enough to go somewhat naturally.

Thirdly, Sloppy’s ashes and the necklace that contains part of her came back today. Family Pet Memorial does such quality work and is so compassionate! I felt really good about their turn-around, and did not hardly expect such a heavy discount for being an employee at one of the referring vet hospitals. But I was very, very thankful for it, as everything pet-related is adding up so quickly even with very substantial discounting from all sides. I appreciate all of it, and need to get on some thank you notes for sure.

I had empathy (sometimes) for people who couldn’t pay, (when they acted responsibly and weren’t over their heads, or actually couldn’t pay and it wasn’t just a priority issue) but this unexpected event has strengthened it.  I honestly, don’t know what real people do. . . I can see why people might get sticker-shock, have buyer’s remorse, or have to make tough decisions.  Kind of.  I do think good people work it out most times.  But it definitely can be hard.  Maybe I’m still undecided about this issue–it’s a case-by-case thing.

Lastly, I am very excited to reclaim my Goose without fear of eviction.  Though nervous about all of the logistics.

This Cannot Continue

12 Nov

If you do what you have always done–you will get the results you have always had.  And yet, I just don’t know where to change things.  This is an ugly cycle.

Things (my relationship with my parents) will be going along, then bam!  This horribleness comes into my life, bringing toxicity and demanding attention.  Which I have no time to indulge.  I cannot have THIS nagging at the back of my mind.  Not when my grades are SO important.  I have rearranged my whole life, to the detriment of my finances, to get a 4.0 and elevate my station in life.  And then these things just make everything harder.  It’s like my parents give me a hard time about where I am in life, and pressure me to improve my situation FAST, but then do things that undermine my progress.

Here’s the program:

I hate the phone.  I own one at all for emergencies.  I do not answer or make any calls.  Not at all.  Except to my parents.  BUT I am bad at keeping in touch with my them–who want to talk weekly and forever.  I’m always doing other things–see my schedule post.  So they have this underlying anger toward me.

Then, what really kicks things off is any time my mom gets stressed.  Whether it’s about school, vacation, family drama, whatever–it comes back to ME.  In the form of a get your pain in the ass, messy, peeing cat out of here.  Yesterday.  Frantic Facebook message +/- e-mail, +/- MORE messages from mom and “dad.”  Where is Merry-Go-Lightly-Sunshine-Smiley, then?  Why when I’m super-stressed or complaining is it–“What will be, will be” platitudes from the parentals, but it’s drop everything and react when Mom is stressed?!  Here is a direct quoted sample of such a message:

Every time my mom gets stressed, her cleaning OCD ramps up, the cat gets stressed/naughty, and I get a message like this:  [note I live a 16 hour drive/$400 flight away and of course work and have class]

Goose marked the side of my BRAND NEW rocker. I am ready to send him to the vet and have him put down!!!! I am NOT happy with his marking. He has on a pheromone collar, there is pheromone scent in the plug in and he still marks. He NEEDS to be at your house VERY SOON! He has outstayed his welcome!!! I AM NOT HAPPY!!!

Messages like this make me absolutely crazy with worry.  I never know when it’s an empty threat and when my mom might actually harm my healthy kitty.  And worse, I’m too far away, have work/school responsibilities, and limited funds–so I can DO nothing.  Nothing except wait and worry and hope it blows over.

–>  And here is where I always go wrong.  I write back.  No matter what I say, there is no damage control once the “take your cat” message arrives.  I can say I’m sorry and offer helpful suggestions.  It’s no good.  I can try reason and tell them it’s not practical to get him NOW.  I can choose anger and tell them how inappropriate they are being.  None of it makes the animosity go away.  Some options make things worse then others.

And whatever I say, my mom will say something ugly back to me (she always has to have the last word).  My parents think I’m spoiled, entitled, lazy, irresponsible, a bad pet owner, and bad daughter during these subsequent messages.  All blame for any and all problems is put upon me.

Then, I respond and so on and so on, until I usually feel backed into a corner and just try to cut off communication all together.  Cut out the toxic, you know?  But that doesn’t work either.  Because these are my parents.  And because they “forget” and try to make it a public issue where family, Dayton, anyone and everyone who knows us is also drawn into the drama and made aware how horrible I am being.

This isn’t the first, second, or even THIRD time this has happened.  It’s a repeated behavior, and it’s inappropriate.  Of course, I want to go get my cat, but there are practical concerns to worry about.  Firstly, my current lease specifies a pet limit of 2.  Which I would exceed by adding another cat.  And I could be evicted with 10 days notice.  And moving is time consuming.  And expensive.  And the pet situation is much the same at every apartment that I could ever afford.  Then, there’s the actual getting Goose here.  It requires a road trip, or expensive flight, or shipping.  And that requires time off from work and school and $$$$$.  These things take some planning.  So a message saying–take your cat NOW.  Not helpful.  Not realistic.

Obviously, I need to take my cat out of that situation.  But if my parents do anything unethical towards him before I can–I’ll just cut them out of my life for good.  It’s all over if they kill my (healthy) kitty.  I could never forgive them.

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Bye Bye Bob [posted 3-31-08]

17 Jan

Bob cheated death once.  As Terry, said—he used 16 of his 9 lives.  This crazy lung/heart/cancer conundrum took away his personality, and there was no chance of overcoming it. . .  Bob was put to sleep this afternoon.  Here are some of my favorite things about my Buddy-Bob:

Bob was always ornery—I loved his spunk

I didn’t love when Bob peed on furniture, but his persistence did make me smile

How he would DART outside, only to stop and eat grass

He would always scratch crazy things, despite the fact he didn’t have front claws

The way he would pin down Douche’s annoying cat Eris, and beat her til she screamed

How he would sit on the edge of furniture looking like a stuffed animal

The way he would stand up and ask to be picked up

He would always knead incessantly

How funny it was when you would pat his bottom and he would meow—but love it

The crazy look in his eye when he would roll in cat nip

How Bob would always beg for food, like a little fat-ass

How he cheated death and lived through 2 months of fatty liver

The way Bob was disgruntled about medication—he hated it!

How Buddha Bob would make himself gag to avoid force feeding

How Bob would wait until I fell asleep than stretch out on my pillow

The way Bob remembered Dr. Terry even 2 years after she saved his life

How cool it was that Buddha would let you kiss his nose—and ask you to do it

Bob thanked Dr. Terry for saving his life by making himself gag every time he saw her

How Bob refused to eat, drink, or pee at Noah’s Ark, and would rush to do it at home

How Bob had mad-face on even when he was getting euthanized, because he got poked

I loved that cat!