Tag Archives: poem

Tough Anthem Song

20 Jul

I was naive, just wanted to please

I had that big dream, [softer, in the background] You embodied it

I didn’t have that opportun-ity,

kept get-ting dragged down

My fault, grades weren’t my only prior-ity

I was left hanging, my-life rearranging

Needed fam-iliar-ity

I came with baggage, you had it too

I realized too late your un-cer-tain-ty.

I was a buffer, no a-type-ah replace-ment

You left me absolutely nobody.

 

When I look in the mirror it

reflects my innermost spirit

spit the word “no” I won’t hear it

my motivations don’t fear it

 

Your harsh words made my skin thicker

Your head games made my mind quicker

Moved away from you– made my heart richer

Your cold shoulder showed I’m the vic-tor

You’re working that much harder, [softer, in the background] who’s the loser now?

 

You bruise me, you’ll never bust me

my mindset is such a tough one

Ignore the hate I’m so scrappy

Eat shit, I’m gonna be happy

 

all that sacrifice

and several rolls of the dice

Got me livin’ my best life

not exactly no more strife

but most of the days are mostly nice

 

 

 

Disaster Song

19 Mar

Trump is a loser

I never wanted him

Hillary thought we should choose her

sexism is ultimately why she lost the prelim

 

so many mistakes, ineptitude

obvious personality disorder-narcissistic

the dude can’t read, we are screwed

worse than that he’s fascistic

 

Trump pretended the pandemic wasn’t happening

he doesn’t understand basic economics

America’s reputation blackening

closer and closer to using atomics

 

Now here we are, all alone

coronavirus threatening

everyone barricaded in their home

U.S. will have our reckoning

 

And as we hide from this disease

our businesses must close the doors

republicans blame the Chinese

it won’t stop the multiplication of corpse

 

Monkey Pencil Song

28 Jan
Got in a bike accident
Tore my private parts real bad
Your friend arrived from afar
 guilted to go out to eat
Sat upon that wood bench
But like a monkey still I pinch
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Hold so tight
Even when [beat] it isn’t right
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Grasp and clutch
Even though [beat] it isn’t much
[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil
My loyalty [beat] is so prehensile!
Your work Halloween party
Bathroom in your bosses’ house
Tried to stick your hand up my skirt
I resisted- not in here
Found out you had bet your friends
You could slide home base with ease
But like a monkey still I squeeze
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Hold so tight
Even when [beat] it isn’t right
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Grasp and clutch
Even though [beat] it isn’t much
[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil
My loyalty [beat] is so prehensile!
Over 6 years of dating
both working the same bad job
You Listened to mean girl lies
You relished ambushing me
And threw me under the bus
You talked about them so Much
But like a monkey still I clutch
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Hold so tight
Even when [beat] it isn’t right
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Grasp and clutch
Even though [beat] it isn’t much
[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil
My loyalty [beat] is so prehensile!
[Outside in the frozen cold
Scraping my frosty windshield
You surprised me before work
Brought my favorite coffee
Drank the warmth and felt so snug
And like a monkey still I hug]
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Hold so tight
Especially when it all goes right
[beat] [growl-shout] Monkey pencil Monkey pencil
Grasp and clutch
Especially when the loves so much
[syncopated] Like monkey  [half beat] on that pencil
My happiness [beat] is so prehensile!

Another Douche Poem in the Works

7 Jan

I was scared I would never meet another

How would I see them, where would I go?

You were up front, easy

feared I’d always be alone

I lept at the chance at dating

the alternative at home

don’t flatter yourself

that’s why I gave you the time of day

I didn’t find you attractive

but you were nice, all the same

I wasn’t sexually active

and that’s why I didn’t throw you away

when you proved to be bad in bed

and also crazy

stalling out on coming, crying in the bedsheets

just another day

Your controlling behavior was something I didn’t get

I had no context

nothing to compare it with other than my parents

Had no idea you’re a subset

not everything goes this way

I am not weak or small

Tried to put on a brave face

I can handle it all!

Your domination was tiring

I wanted to be my own person

you wanted me helpless, admiring

but I’m also not a flake

I had no one to turn to

my secret weighed heavy

even now, you’re one of my worst mistakes

Now, I wish I had dated a bevy

just for comparisons sake

Treated me like a trophy

manipulated the truth

gaslighted me constantly

worst yet-you wasted my youth

The audacity to leave me

when everyone knows who was the prize

hurt my ego-how embarrassing

I should have left you, in my eyes

yet I stuck it out

because I’m good and loyal

I don’t want you to think otherwise or have a doubt

I never loved you, I was just stuck

I hope you know the truth

you suck

I barely liked you

thought you were ugly, but felt sorry that I did

the guilt from my raising and your manipulation kept me

If I could go back in time, I’d renig

My Interpretation of “Yoke”

15 Mar

refer to the last entry for a line by line analysis of Amy Ray’s lyrics.

Amy Ray is addressing someone deceitful and closed off.  I think the someone represents all of us listeners’ dark, non-caring side.  She mentions a “she” that (I think) could be interpreted a couple of ways (or even both ways).  The “she” is nature/environment/Earth/all living creatures or the “she” could be a loving, yet naive woman in a relationship.

The main message of the song is even though it isn’t in our past history, and it may be difficult for our psyche, people need to work together, be open, and loving or “she” will be destroyed.  Depending on the listener, the “she” is different and so are the implications.  If “she” is the environment, being bad and taking advantage of her will result in Earth’s destruction and the ultimate annihilation of humankind as well.  If the person listening to the songs thinks of “she” as a woman in a relationship, trying to play upon her helplessness in order to control her will result in eventual loneliness.

Amy is telling us we are here to figure out how to overcome our greed and deceptive core to appreciate what we have, treat the “she” in our lives with openness and honesty, and return her love.  If we succeed in working together, loving one-another without manipulation and not as a means of controlling another; and if we love the beauty of the animal kingdom and land, instead of over-hunting and over-consuming them–we will reach a higher plane.

In short, the song sounds so forlorn because Amy is asking all of us to stop carelessly and thoughtlessly grasping everything of our hearts desire.  She is saying going after everything we want has consequences for loving relationships and at a higher level, our planet.  She is imploring us to yoke together like oxen in a herd of hope and hold tightly (with grubby hands) to what we already have.

Analysis of “Yoke”

14 Mar

http://www.last.fm/music/Indigo+Girls/Beauty+Queen+Sister/Yoke

It’s a complex song, and I get a lot of hits on my blog from people trying to find out what it means.  First, a line by line analysis of Amy Ray’s (of the Indigo Girls) “Yoke” found on the Beauty Queen Sister CD.  In the next blog, I’ll sum up what I think Amy Ray is trying to say in the lyrics:

I found the binding of the yoke

Binding is restrictive.

yoke is a wooden beam, normally used between a pair of oxen or other animals to enable them to pull together on a load when working in pairs, as oxen usually do.

That connects us here, in this herd of hope

“us” and “herd” compares people to animals (oxen now; horses toward the end of the song).

Herd refers to a social grouping of certain animals of the same species, either wild or domestic, and also to the form of collective animal behavior associated with this (referred to as herding) or as a verb, to herd, to its control by another species such as humans or dogs.

“here” as in Earth/alive

“hope” universal questions of why people are alive and what our mission is

Escort me to your kingdom come

“Thy kingdom come”, a phrase in the Christian Lord’s Prayer referring to the Kingdom of God

Amy is talking to another person

She wants to know what actions “here” will get her to heaven

from the gallows’ hold, and the things we’ve done

Imagery of a person hanging from the gallow

A person hanging from a noose is trapped, immovable by their own power, dead but not at peace.

She recognizes that all people are flawed and have done bad things (ie death by hanging)

You stole so much, so much at times

Going back to crimes–why a sentence of hanging

A hunter might over-kill the prey, but herds of animals only kill what they need.

also shows an unequal relationship–one person only takes, never gives

Just being bad, like the books we read

“Just being bad, like books” is a justification for bad behavior

They compare their actions to the actions they’ve read about

What books is she talking about?

Maybe history books which prove men’s over

maybe law/policy books that give people “the right” 

Maybe the Bible where whatever bad behavior is commonplace.

The helplessness that you played upon

manipulating someone weaker or someone’s weakness in some relationship

also a hunter would take advantage of a prey’s weakness in order to kill it.

Was just tenderness, to disarm

hiding true intentions to put another person at ease, then taking advantage in a relationship

“disarm” is the hunting metaphor again–animals have attributes (teeth, claws) that hunters must overcome

She ushered in love, but it drove you mad

who is “she” that Amy is referring to?

a girlfriend?  An animal?  The Earth?  A goddess?

A relationship with true love on one side and anxiety/deception on the other

love for animals/environment that person could not live by

Not to have everything of your envisioning

A very telling line.

Someone who doesn’t appreciate the things they have, instead wanting it all

A controlling person in the one-sided relationship

Human Greed that over-kills in hunting or over-consumes nature

She wandered in on the peace you lacked

wan·dehttp://img.tfd.com/m/sound.swf (wndr)

v. wan·deredwan·der·ingwan·ders
v.intr.

1. To move about without a definite destination or purpose.
2. To go by an indirect route or at no set pace; amble: wander toward town.
3. To proceed in an irregular course; meander.
4. To go astray: wander from the path of righteousness.
5. To lose clarity or coherence of thought or expression.
so “wander” shows “she” didn’t truly realize the situation
“peace you lacked,” says the person Amy is talking to, was flawed before “she” entered the situation.

Yeah, and you’re losing still, that life you could have had

Losing the stability of a loving relationship?

Losing the naivety/love/trust  that “she” has?

Losing a zen-like spirit of one-ness with nature?

Losing a more Native American mentality that there should be balance in hunting?

Literally losing life, because the Earth is destroyed by carelessness?

Tell that story one more time for me

“One more time” ephasizes, it’s a favorite, repeated story

Whoever Amy is talking to takes pride in their deception

Of the bated fields just for the taking dear

A baited area means any area where shelled, shucked, or unshucked corn, wheat, or other grain, salt or other feed, whatsoever capable of luring, attracting, or enticing such birds is directly or indirectly placed, exposed, deposited, distributed or scattered.  The regulation further states that…such area shall remain a baited area for 10 days following complete removal of all such corn, wheat, or other grain, salt, or other feed. 

where you heard the hunters call

Hunting calls are noises hunters make to attract specific animals. 

The person Amy is talking to, attracted this naive person as prey.

Use deception to kill “her” (being the Earth/animals)

But your discipline kept you from the fall

“Discipline” explains how true intent was knowingly hidden–with difficulty and effort

Speaks of a hunter perhaps tripping, an animal falling after being shot, or  of falling in love

This line brings the subjects (hunting and disallowing the openness required in love) together

But oh, to hold that tenderness in these grubby hands

Amy wants to hold the tender bird meat from the fields?

Amy wants to hold the tender-loving woman from the relationship?

Amy figuratively wants to “hold” on to the Earth’s tenderness and the environment?

I’d shoot anything

Not discrimminating about the prey she hunts

not as picky about love objects.

And you laughed at me, but you know I’m right

The person she’s talking to brushed off her criticism.

So why do you claim the strength to put up a fight

Asking why they “put up a fight,” Amy is questioning the other person’s intent

The word “claim” implies that the other person might not be as sincere as they come off.

“claim the strength” shows the other person is actually weak.

And you hold your nightmares close from view

Keep fears under the surface.  Show bravado.

The horses going wild, under a breaking moon

Back to the herd/animals/nature

There’s no way the bridle ever fits the bride

bridle is a piece of equipment used to direct a horse

Oxen are driven with the use of a collar–no bridle

bridle may be wordplay to conjure weddings.

“No way the bridle fits” could mean that man is not meant to direct any part of nature

It could also be talking about equality in relationships–true love has no controlling force

things work in a balance like the oxen working together in a yoke

Yeah, and the weight of it, thats why we’re here

The weight of this connundrum

This interplay between people, and in relationships answers the question of our purpose.

Learning how to balance what we want and the effects on animals/Earth.

Next up:  My guess/analysis about what this song is saying.

To Let Her Off the Hook?

4 Nov

Or should I say rod?  Anyhow, here’s my latest poem/song:

You are a shimmering curtain gently blowing in the breeze.  So pretty from a distance, matching the rest of the decor.  I bought you just knowing you would go with the rest of my things.  I hadn’t a doubt about the practicality of my purchase.  I embraced your sheer fabric and pretty coloring.

All you are now is the past.  Memories.  You do not offer anything.  Except good memories.

The wind moves you.  You are difficult to pin down, you sway so.  Flapping ever so gently in the wind.  Quiet, yet uneasy.  You are not still unless the wind around you dies down.  You do not control your own movements.  You are controlled by outside forces.

Frustration, emptiness, regret–that’s how you make me feel.  These days.  Disappointment.  So many questions in the wake of your superficial responses.  I wonder if I was.  Am just a liability to you.  How do you not remember me better?  Why don’t you know me?  I feel like I know you.  Maybe I never did.  Maybe I don’t want to.

And you are never entirely open.  You move, briefly opening, then blowing back down.  Constant motion.  And upon closer inspection, you are tattered and worn.  When I touch your fabric it is thin, tiny holes starting to wear through.  More wind and turbulence will make the holes larger.  Greater gyration will destroy the gauzy material you are made of–until you rip entirely.

To overlook or pin-point responsibility where it belongs.  I never know how to proceed with you.  Our relationship so tenuous, full of secrets.  You so unwilling to open up.  I can’t have that.  It’s toxic to me.  But I know you are sick.  Co-dependent.  On Mary.  On alcohol.  They are the same.  You do not cope with life.  You are too old for that.  I am too.

One day you will be ruined and new drapes will be purchased.  They will be more durable and strong.  They will not move so much in tumultuous weather.

I want answers.  But will I get them?  Even if I compromise.  What I want and need.  Giving you a piece of my heart.  To trample on again?  Talking to you at all is giving you a part of me.  Pain.  Pain and unanswered questions is all you give back.

I will buy new drapes that can be closed securely or pulled open.  They will be thicker.  They will certainly be dependable and practical.  They will also be more fashionable, newer, and better.

I Might Believe (in) You if I Didn’t Know

15 Mar

“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.  I been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.  And it’s taken me this long, baby, but I’ve figured you out. . .”

I always thought Kim was as fond of me as I was of her.  I missed hearing from her and felt strong empathy for her situation.  I just kept waiting, and waiting for that contact from my friend–it was torturous.  When Kim did make the effort to talk to me, it was only more agony.  Nervousness about what she would say, frustration at all the unanswered questions, sadness upon the realization she was drinking, excitement about future plans, then inevitable disappointment.  It was always very upsetting to get a random call, text, or message from Kim, but then none of the promised follow up communication.  I would fret and wonder if I had said or done something wrong, then scrutinize the conversation to death trying to figure out why she disappeared again.

“You don’t have to call anymore, I won’t pick up the phone.  This is the last straw, don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

As much as I loved to hear from Kim, and as good as I felt resuming our comfortable relationship, it was almost worse being reminded of her only to have that familiar dearth of communication again.  But I kept making excuses for Kim to justify her hurtful actions.  I would placate myself by blaming Mary’s stringent regulations for Kim’s silence.  I was livid at Mary for banning Kim from talking to me when she could still continue her affair with the hairdresser.

All this time I had thought that at least the two of us were on the same side of the fight.  Recently I realized this was an erroneous assumption when I heard Kim finally fled the Cabin-Mansion, but she still didn’t contact me.  How could I possibly conciliate my emotions and blame anyone but Kim for this current paucity of connection?  I could no longer primarily blame Mary for Kim’s lack of communication.  It makes me replete with dolorous, disappointment.

“. . .  Could have loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold.  And you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know. . .”

There was a time when I would have waited for Kim to come around.  I just knew she was a life-long friend, if not my soul-mate.  I only gave up after abounding miscommunication, no communication at all, and a lot of outside interference.  I hate, hate, hate to think it, let alone type it, but maybe my relationship with Kim was just a string of disappointments.  Sure, we got along famously.  We would laugh a lot, and understood each other.  I knew how Kim felt about a lot of things, and she could read me better than almost anyone else.

But there was another aspect:  Sober Kim was not very forthright.  The only times she would open up and really talk, or divulge any information or motivation was when she was trashed.  I would wait for such moments and embrace them, choosing to remember only those times, and not the times when I was left confused, wondering, and frustrated about the most basic goings-on in Kim’s life.

And now I realize I could never live a life of not knowing.  And I won’t accept addiction for a little probity.  I am better than that, and do not need alcohol to influence any connection with another, whether they be friends, family members, or a lover.  I want all of my relationships to be frank, open, honest, and sincere.  And that is something I could never have with Sober-Kim.  I simply cannot stand to wonder. . .

“. . .  You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade. . .”

It deeply hurts me to accept that this current Kim is not the verdant Kim I met when I was 17 and inexperienced in life.  She has been wasted by alcohol, damaged by the isolation Mary bestowed upon her, and she is not going to get any more of my worry.  Kim was no longer optimistic or funny when I went back to Dayton.  All the fun was drained out of her, and in its place was loneliness and vodka.  The second time I knew Kim, she was just an effigy of the person I had known prior to my Missouri move.  She was going through the same motions she had before, but as an image–nothing seemed genuine, and everything about her was tinged with sadness.

The stress of the Cabin-Mansion certainly lionized Kim in my mind–she was the only semi-bright spot of that whole deal.  When she was drunk or trying to ply herself with my alcohol, she was the only person that knew what I was going through and felt sorry about it.  How could I not honor her?  But just because there is a dandelion in the poison hemlock, doesn’t mean it’s still not a weed.  Maybe my feelings toward Kim were more apocryphal than I knew, just because we had suffered together.  I am finished.  That part of my life is over.  Chapter complete–now for the book.

1!)  Song is “You’re Not Sorry” by Taylor Swift

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Song Lyrics (not mine) + cabin-mansion vocab I

27 Jan

“The only thing that I did wrong, I stayed in [Dayton four months] too long.”

In that time, my relationship with Mary, and ultimately Kim was sullied.

My impressions of both Kim and Mary were also defiled in a big way.

My memories of Kim and Mary were also tarnished when I realized what kind of people they had become or had always been–I wasn’t sure which scenario it was.

Mary besmirched her thirteen year marriage to Kim at every turn and it made me not only lose respect for her, but disgusted me as well.

That entire time in Dayton was tainted by poor choices, strife, and missteps by all involved.

“I wrote you a hundred letters I will never send. . .  Why won’t you answer me?”

While I was still living at the Cabin-Mansion and working at DVVH, I fervidly tried to recapture all I had lost, but it was too late–the damage was done.

I would get drunk almost every night (and day) and cry feverishly mourning all I had lost.

I started zealously typing all the events that were happening because I wanted to vent my pain, keep track of the unbelievable activities, and eventually write a book.

Kim was a wild card while I was there, after I left, and even in the present, running hot and cold, making me confused depressed so I wrote impassioned letters to her throughout the book.

I had many bad dreams of Mary and dreaded ever running into her in real life, so I wrote vehement letters to her as well–though they took on an angrier tone than the ones to Kim.

I started “Facebook-stalking” Kim and sent her passionate pleas to just tell me why she discontinued all communication–which maddingly, she never answered.

My “Cabin-Mansion” book is going to be one burning inscription after another, because it was such a traumatic and unbelievable experience.

“Just b/c I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost. . .  Every river that I tried to cross, every door I ever tried was locked. . .  You might be a big fish in a little pond, doesn’t mean you’ve won.”

In her mid-life crises, Mary almost immediately retracted her support of my career, abjured her friendship, and recalled our entire relationship.

While I was living at the Cabin-Mansion, Mary rejected me entirely, and said she was no longer my mentor–it still makes me feel terrible and worthless even today (3 years later) as I write this.

It hurt a lot when my former mentor recanted her letters of recommendation on my behalf, and (I’m fairly certain) talked trash about me to everyone.

Worse, Mary felt the need to call the vet school I was applying to and abandon formally her former support of my acceptance, which was (of course) detrimental to my reputation.

At the end, Mary forswore her offer to provide me the fifth wheel in her yard as housing, as well as a job at her hospital.

“Painted ourselves in a corner. . .  But you could not interpret me and I could not interpret you. . .    . . .  After all that we’d been through, I could not see giving up. . .  And now we’re tumbling in a free-fall, no ones gonna go unscathed. . .”

Mary didn’t understand why I wasn’t the same person I had been before I came out to my parents and suffered my second failure from veterinary school, and I couldn’t forgive Mary for being in a mid-life crises and becoming undisciplined though her father had died days before, her niece had died a few months before, and her wife of thirteen years was becoming a full-on alcoholic.

Though I didn’t like Mary’s unrestrained, fairly open cheating on Kim, I thought she might regain her good senses–she didn’t gve me the same chance.

My heavy drinking didn’t help raise my morale, maintain Mary’s formerly high opinion of me, or minimize my already recklessbehavior.

Despite my own shortcomings, I still lost all respect for the way Mary treated people in her life, and especially her licentiouscheating.

Even at work, Mary became lewdly hostile towards me for no apparent (work-related) reason.

At the time, Mary was going through a mid-life crises, I was in my quarter-life crises, Kim was an alcoholic, and my parents were reacting to having a gay child–all of us displayed wanton behavior as a result.

Mary’s capricious values during that five month visit left me confused and conflicted.

“You’re gonna see soon that I’m not playin’, Start asking me the names I’m not sayin’, but I’m trying to be bigger than the bickering, bigger than the petty name calling. . .  Rumors, and labels, and categorization. . .

My parents knew I would no longer talk to them if they continued trying to control me, but simultaneously withholding emotional and financial support, but that didn’t stop them from their phony inquests about why I shut them out of my life.

Both my parents and Mary had ulterior motives in their quest to accuse me of being an alcoholic:  My parents had to show the community that they didn’t know my whereabouts because I had some sort of problem, and Mary had to justify her sudden horrid behavior towards me.

Soon Mary’s closest friends and her family would probe me about my drinking, my schedule, and why I wasn’t listening to anyone–I knew she was talking bad about me to everyone who would listen.

Mary became hateful towards me, because I stupidly made my investigation of her relationship with the hairdresser known, and she didn’t want me to have too much negative information on her.

I was so shattered about my life and the dysfunction going on around me, I became unable to concentrate, and I couldn’tstudy properly.

Everyone was getting their information secondhand–Mary refused to talk to me so she would glean things from Kim, my co-workers, or her friends who talked to me, and I cut my parents out of my life, so they inquired about me to everyone they came in contact with–it was a mess.

I had just about enough when Mary sent her mother and the hairdresser to research when my finals were so she could schedule the staff Christmas party on a day when I was stuck in Reno.

You can say what you want about me, keep talking while I walk away. . .  I’m taking the high road, going above you, this is the last time I’m gonna trust you. . .  All that bullshit you talk might work a lot, but it’s not gonna work today.

One of the biggest differences from my high school work experience which was pleasant, and the horrible times I went through in my post-college years, was Mary had become a nabob where she had been just starting out in those earlier years.

When I was living in the yard of the Cabin-Mansion, Mary was constantly pulling power plays on me to show me who was in charge, and to make me want to leave for good.

I ended up leaving Nevada, but not because the magnate, Mary forced me to–I had to go back to my apartment, and job at Noah’s Ark, and to keep my Missouri residency.

I realize Mary is only influential in her small hometown of Dayton, she’s just a big fish in a small pond, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the ramifications of being on her bad list.

I am currently angry at that potentate of Dayton, Mary, who still holds a grudge against me, because she knows as well as I do that my only real mistake was knowing too much about her personal life for her comfort.

Dayton may think Mary is the perfect family member, business owner, and healer she portrays herself to be, but I know the truth–she is no luminary, she’s just terrified the town will see the real her.

I think Mary was always spoiled, always had a bad temper, and always held grudges against perceived enemies and threats to her security, but I think without all her money she wouldn’t see herself as a sort of dignitary who could do no wrong in the community.

As frustrating as it is to know Mary is not just the highly motivated tycoon with upstanding morals that she wants people to know, I refuse to engage in a power struggle with her–I’ll just write a book about my experiences.

“Something happened from the very first time with you. . .  Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try and fill with me with doubt. . .  In this world of loneliness I see your face. . .  I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you.”

I felt something powerful from the first time I met you–and from the first time I imbued upon alcohol.

When I came back to Nevada that August of 2007, all three of us were regularly charged with some sort of alcohol–it was a fun, care-free month.

I honestly tried to get myself back together when I went to Nevada, but the alcohol pervaded every aspect of the Cabin-Mansion with Kim drinking constantly, Mary drinking frequently, revolving guests, family around all the time, celebrations galore, and party after party.

Kim and alcohol were one and the same, and during my time at the Cabin-Mansion I loved both and permeated myself with them often.

Everyone involved was so sloppy that it was a freight train to disaster.

After the excitement of being there settled, I quickly realized there were many problems at the Cabin-Mansion including Kim’s drinking, but I stocked vodka in my fifth wheel so Kim would sneak out of Mary’s sight to wet her whistle, and as a consequence would chat with me for a little while.

I usually drank with Kim, but when she got a head start on me once and I saw with clear eyes how infused she was with drink I was actually afraid of both her drunkenness and how she drove home.

Despite the problem drinking (for both of us) I longed to moisten my lips with Kim. . .

It hurts my heart to see Kim’s present picture–the way her face is bloated and permanently dyed a ruddy hue.

“I can’t leave and I can’t stay. . .  Maybe I’m not your perfect kind, maybe I’m not what you had in mind. . .

Mary felt the need to issue many dictums including:  “I am no longer your mentor,” and “You are formally evicted,” which were implied, overly harsh, and unnecessary.

Though I saw things going sour almost immediately, I could not leave because I would lose enrollment money to UNR, so I had the adage, “things couldn’t get any worse,” and it proved incorrect.

Mary had the silent edict that I was not welcome in the Cabin-Mansion other than to use the bathroom, and then only during daylight hours and when no guests or company were present–this made life very difficult.

Mary also had the (not so silent) decree no one in her inner circle that was to remain on good terms with her could speak to me–it became unbearable being ostracized (for no good reason).

At first, I tried to remember that it was everyone else who was crazy and tried to live by the aphorism of keeping my head up and going about my business, but soon, the isolation and negativity got to me and affected me in a bad way.

In the end, I was completely depressed, my self esteem took a great hit, and I was very lonely–it was then my main apothegmwas to get out of there–by any means possible.

You with your silky words. . .  You with steel beliefs, that don’t match anything you do.  It was so much easier before you became you. . .  Now you don’t bring me anything but down. . .  Everything just crashes to the ground. . .  No more long and wasted nights. . .

While Mary was telling me to get my shit together, focus on school, and mend my relationship with my parents, she was falling apart in her mid life crises, cutting back her work schedule substantially, and cheating on her wife of thirteen years–wrapping my mind around the hypocracy caused me to suffer enervation that I could not stop.

I was a very languorous process trying to see Mary in a new light–and I still haven’t completely accepted it.

My biggest trigger for the debilitation called depression is finding out people (I trusted) are different than I originally thought.

As with Douche, finding out Mary was not the respectable, hard-working, loyal person I had thought she was brought on aweariness that was only relieved with alcohol.

When I lived in the Cabin-Mansion it seemed like I was always suffering from a tiredness, but unable to sleep–this was probably depression.

I wanted to prove that I could be a great student, and good worker, but the drinking caused a great listlessness, and I needed the alcohol to feel less anxious about the pervasive negativity infecting my living quarters, work environment, and everyone I ever came in contact with.

The lassitude lasted a full year after I moved away from the Cabin-Mansion–even despite my best efforts to get back on track–depression doesn’t just go away because you remove yourself from the environment which brought it on.

Love Poem/Potential Song

31 Jan

Will we love despite our past and because we discovered attraction so fast?
Can we always be true to ourselves and break out of our protective shells?

To you, I can never get close enough
With you I promise to never be gruff
Neither of us having to act so tough
Your advances I will not need to rebuff

You are fun even when mundane, you and I are different but exactly the same.
I never want to leave your eyes, never wanna make you cry.

Hearts full despite being damaged and bruised
Knowing with each other war tactics will never be used
The nagging doubts in our heads forever removed
We realize together our souls are fused

I always want to kiss you, always wanna be in bliss with you.
Your touch gives me nice chills, and your lovin’ gives me ultimate thrills.

I love that we are on the same side
Now that I’m on, I never want to leave this ride
You have my heart open wide
There’s no one else, my affections are occupied

Spending forever with you, never doubting your love is true
We can trust each other, know that eternally I am your leading lover