Tag Archives: questioning

Question… Desire to Touch Women is Taylor Swift’s Real Nemeses [Part 8]

1 Dec

Taylor wins the pronoun game.  I’m not even going to try to untangle the speaker/recipient/changing characters in this song.  It was written so convoluted that I haven’t even seen a satisfactory answer to this yet.  Instead, I took lyric snippets from other songs featuring the same word, to get a feeling about Taylor’s sentiment and even ascertain the subject. Don’t get overwhelmed with the length of this post.  The word I’m trying to point-out from Question… lyrics is highlighted. 

When she said it was too much

Do you wish you could still touch her?

Touch:

sparks fly

Treacherous

state of grace

I Almost Do

Marjorie

You are in Love

Red

Gorgeous

It’s Nice to have a Friend

ready for it

end game

Delicate

gold rush

don’t blame me

Death by a Thousand Cuts

champagne problems

Ivy

Touch is trepidation. 

In Sparks Fly, Taylor can’t get too close to this person, or they might feel her attraction.  She is a house of cards, trying to remain unseen so the structure doesn’t topple and bely her true feelings.  Touch is a boundary Taylor won’t allow herself to cross.  In Treacherous, Taylor is confronted with the same situation and she’s no longer sure if it’s a choice.  She gets so close to the person, yet does not touch.  It’s not real if they don’t actually touch.  This path is reckless and fraught, but Taylor finds herself liking it.  In State of Grace, Taylor is still battling these feelings.  She realizes wanting touch like this has changed who she thought she was-she’ll never be the same. 

There is a slight double meaning in I Almost Do.  Sure, Taylor is talking about rekindling a romance after a break up.  But under the surface, Taylor is now dreaming of touching this woman.  She is one step closer to crossing her boundaries.  She almost does.  We talked about how the depths signify Taylor’s fears of losing control and the unknown, in Marjory.  Touch fits with the song narrative perfectly.  For once you let go of all your fears and ghosts.  You knew what it was.  Taylor can’t deny it any longer, this desire to touch women is proof her best friend is actually romantic love and sexual attraction.  Wishing you had never found out in Red, builds on this idea.  Now that Taylor knows she’s gay, she feels more for her love interest.  It’s out of her control screeching a speeding car to a sudden stop, flying through the free fall, yet she can’t go without it.  She’s blue when this person is gone, gray when she’s all alone.  Despite Taylor’s great fear, and her negative feelings about being out of control, she can’t let go of this red, passionate love. 

Taylor needs that real love, but it makes her angry.  I’m so furious that you make me feel this way, in Gorgeous is that same pull from Red.  Taylor doesn’t like losing control, but here she is captivated by this gorgeous woman.  Taylor dares to dream of her future with a woman in It’s Nice to have a Friend.  She has trouble crossing the boundary into queerness, but in that song the female best friend dares to touch her romantically and it sends Taylor’s thoughts to a future wedding.  She is coming around to the idea that, though gay love is not traditional or fully accepted, she might be able to be happy anyway.  Ready for It…  the opener of Reputation shows a new bravado about the situation.  Taylor goes from he (the beard) to you (the gal she’s in love with) describing her future plans.  She will keep the beard as a cover for the WLW love forever, and at night all the touching that Taylor needs can take place in private.  

Taylor jealously guards her new found love with a woman in End Game, Delicate, and Gold Rush.  Now that she crossed her boundaries and touched a woman, Taylor can’t be without it.  She has fear and anxiety this person will leave her, they’ll chose someone else (a man?) over her.  And the thought of that makes Taylor miserable.  Taylor is so obsessed about keeping this new found love that she compares it to drug addiction.  Don’t Blame Me has Taylor, high on her lover’s touch, begging on her knees, and giving up grace to touch her.  Touch is forbidden and dangerous, but now touch is now a desperate need of Taylor’s.

But then there are political complications.  In Death by a Thousand Cuts Taylor describes how her and her lover’s paper thin plans were ruined by Trump.  Her lover gave up on her like a bad drug despite touching every part of Taylor.  

Taylor was working up to coming out.  She wanted to do it for her lover.  She wrote speeches…  But they ended up in the fire.  She couldn’t give an adequate reason why she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.  WLW slipped beyond her reaches as a result.  Now Taylor grieves for the living.  The tarnished (stigmatized) touch was the only thing that made Taylor feel and come in from the cold, numbing snow.  Though Taylor was unthawed by this love, and her whole being was impacted, her inaction caused the lover to leave.

Questioning

12 Oct

I’m from a small, rural town and never knew gay people aside from a couple really feminine boys that were constantly bullied, a few scary ‘out’ butch lesbians in high school that I didn’t want anything to do with, and a couple masculine teachers/coaches with secretive personal lives.

In high school the other cheerleaders would say, “She’s so cute” about each other, and that made me so embarrassed. I would never feel comfortable calling another girl cute! They would also walk around the locker room in their thong underwear, no big deal. It would make me stressed out. I didn’t want anyone else to think I was looking (I legitimately wasn’t, as I was too busy trying to change as quickly as possible without revealing any of my own body parts). I was very self-conscious. I had a nice enough body, but I always felt prudish, and weird about showing it off.

On bus trips, the other cheerleaders would talk about their crushes and boyfriends. I would listen, but have nothing at all to add. They would ask who I had a crush on and I just really couldn’t understand how they liked any of these boys. I had gone to school with all of them since kindergarten, and seen them wet their pants, get teased, say stupid answers in class, and all of the boys in my town were kinda ugly and very obnoxious. I thought I had a bad crop of boys to choose from (I mean, I did). But the cheerleaders would press me about who I liked, and it was nobody. But they thought I was keeping it a secret from them, and liked me less for being closed off from them.

I didn’t have any crushes in high school either. How could I? These boys were the worst! I had grown up with my neighbor and he got super-annoying in high school, adopting Ebonics (we only had two black kids in our entire school) and being mr ‘I’m a pimp’ so we drifted apart. In homeroom, the boys were bad. Somehow all the discipline problems have the same letter of my last name (how homerooms were assigned) and rode the same bus and lived in my neighborhood. They were smoking weed and doing other illegal things and bullying people, so I just didn’t have anything at all in common with them. I got along well with the track boys, especially the ones who pole vaulted with me. But the track boys kind of treated me like one of the guys (I was always active and that got me classified a tomboy) so it was fine. But they were friend-zoned for the reasons I’ve spelled out above.

What I’m saying, is up to this point, I was not so much in the closet as just oblivious. I just didn’t have any crushes or attractions at all, thought I was a late-bloomer, studious, prude. I didn’t really have representation either–I did not identify with Will & Grace, which was a gay show on at that time. I didn’t know of any other gay television show or character… It wasn’t until I went to work for a pair of lesbians that I even had gayness on my radar at all. There was a gal at work who was obviously a lesbian, and I could tell. But it wasn’t the scary-super-butch type of lesbian I had encountered before, that scared/repulsed me [*disclaimer* internal homophobia]. She was a softly-masculine, more sporty type. And I immediately felt like a deep soul-connection to her. Not in the crush way I had regarded a teacher/coach before. But like we knew each other in another life, or just like “understood” each other. I didn’t get what was happening at the time. I am today years old realizing that it was probably just gay-dar and having our sexuality in common, which at that time had NEVER happened to me before. At any rate, being around this obviously gay person, started bringing up a lot of questions in my mind.

It was all very confusing, and I wasn’t really conscious of what the questions were, or how to think about them. I just knew, suddenly, I felt skittish. I was afraid, but didn’t know of what. It was embarrassing. My boss set me up with her nephew. And he was conventionally attractive, popular-enough guy that treated me nice. We were able to easily carry on conversations, and had things in common. He seemed to like me, because we didn’t just go to prom (as his aunt orchestrated) we went to the movies several times, out to eat–we kept meeting up again and again. He would initiate hand holding in the movie. I was TERRIFIED of kissing him, but knew he probably wanted that. I WAS STRESSED OUT about kissing him. Like, I knew I should but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would all but jump out of his car at the end of these dates. But I also had the feeling he would eventually get tired of putting up with that.

And I didn’t know WTF was wrong with me. He was good looking, seemed nice, did well in school and sports–why didn’t I like him like I thought I should? I thought he was OK and nice and everything, but I didn’t think about him all the time. I didn’t think he was super-HOT or anything. I was kinda ‘meh’ about him, but he didn’t do anything to deserve that. I had thought once I had a better boy to pick from I would be into it (straightness). But I just wasn’t. I felt angry with myself. Just like this nice boy. What is wrong with him? Nothing. I couldn’t pick out anything that I didn’t like, or any reason to reject him.

Exposure to another gay person combined with confusion about how I didn’t have a lot of feelings for this perfectly nice boy, really, really confused me. I didn’t know what was going on. But I felt angsty, afraid, and embarrassed about it. I also felt really far away from my friends. Suddenly, I didn’t feel close to them. We had been friends since pre-school and this was our Senior year. I just felt apart from them. I didn’t know why. I felt kind of alone in school, despite hanging out with my friends. I didn’t know at the time this feeling was connected at all.

I did know I wanted to spend time at work. I wanted to be with my coworker as much as possible. Not like a crush thing, but like I felt understood and happy even though she was 17 years older than me. I didn’t know why I felt more comfortable with a 35 year old adult than my 18 year old friends. I’m an only child though, and constantly was around adults, and always got called mature for my age, so I just figured I aligned more with more mature people. I didn’t know what was going on! I just knew I felt unsettled. But also Senioritis is a thing, so I figured I was just ready for a change.

Then, the rum & cokes and realizations happened that I posted last time. My life was forever changed.

nomads, Indians, and saints (1990) Song Ranking

20 Jan

(45.5% awesome, 54.5% good, OK, meh, skip out of 11 

and an interview and 2 live bonus tracks)

5 AWESOME

hammer and a nail

1,2,3

watershed

hand me downs

pushing the needle too far

This was the first IG album I ever heard, and it really hit me hard. I didn’t know I was gay at the time I heard this, but it impacted me hugely anyway. When I say I didn’t know–I truly had NO inkling. And when I did come out to myself, this album was right there for me, helping me process what was happening. Helping me remember there were bigger things than myself and my sexuality. I love the lyrics, and I appreciate where this album took me.

6 GOOD

welcome me

WORLD FALLS

SOUTHLAND IN THE SPRINGTIME

keeper of my heart

YOU AND ME OF THE 10,000 WARS

girl with the weight of the world in her hands

Indigo Girls

OK/NEUTRAL

MEH

SKIP