Tag Archives: social

2021 Goals

1 Jan

See maintain for all the stuff we have been doing and need to just keep up or amp up now that the holidays are over.

  1. I need to quickly acknowledge and say just enough to move along at work. Not saying anything, and trying to ignore things made me have pent up frustration. Then I exploded inappropriately. But also, what is the point of getting upset every time? it’s only making me look worse and worse. I already know my manager is dumb and belligerent. And I already know my supervisor is arrogant, condescending, misogynistic, and sometimes dinky. I don’t need to be enraged anew each time I deal with them. And it’s not changing anything.

strategies for this:

rather than jumping right in, I need to take 5-10 min before I respond at all. Give my rational brain the chance to do the talking.

I need to process it with Cool prior to engaging with them

forget trying to make them see my point (neither listen anyway) I need to just keep it light and say OK! just to end it.

2. Play with the kitten more/better.

Time. Make it a priority. Put it in our routine. Make it an in-a-row. Do it early before it’s dark and before we’re tired.

Sometimes he won’t engage. try different color ball, or 2 at once. Try wand. Try the tunnels. Use catnip. Leash-train him so if nothing else we can walk him.

I can always add more later, but aside from keeping up all the stuff we’re already doing, these are the main 2.

Work From Home

11 May

My company is adamantly against letting any of us work from home–ever.  But this pandemic forced them to have to allow it.  Because we work in an open room with recirculated AC and the 157 claims people share 2 bathrooms (and they shut down 1 for cleaning twice daily making the whole building share 1 bathroom) with the call center people on the opposite side of the building.

So we’ve been working from home since March 15.

And I love everything about it:

-I sleep better because I don’t have that anticipatory wakefulness trying to make the schedule.

-I use less utilities because I shower every other day since no one will see my 2nd day greasy, slept-on hair.

-Getting ready for work is low maintenance, because I don’t have to adhere to dress code, put on makeup, fix my hair, or prepare the house and cats for being gone all day.

-I can open all the windows in the cool mornings to use less utilities later in the day on cooling, because I have more time to open them, then I’m home to close them up only when the temp = inside.

-I can work outside on the patio and get some fresh air.

-I don’t have to think about the public bathroom:

*do people think I’m going too frequently?

*are they shutting one or the other down for cleaning so they’re more crowded?

*It’s my rule to pee only in the bathroom–but sometimes that makes for an uncomfortable day.

*What if I have to make embarrassing sounds or smells?

*other people are disgusting and shameless in the bathroom.

*the bathroom is an unpleasant mess!

*Touching anything in there is gross

*it’s a rule of mine to get in and out of the bathroom as quick as possible!

*I don’t like to talk in the bathroom, because of what molecules are floating around–but coworkers and leadership find it socially unacceptable not to say anything…

*I spend a huge amount of my work day worrying about the public bathroom…

-I drink more water because it’s easier to get and see above.

-I save tons of time just eating from the fridge.  I don’t have to spend bunches of time on weekends meal prepping lunches to just grab and go.

-I can pet the kitties any old time I want to.  And fill their water, or top off their food during the day, instead of rushing around in the morning trying to remember, or forcing myself to do it when I’m tired at night.

-Between claims, I can just, say empty the dish drainer, and do little chores.  Instead of having to do it after work, after our workout, when I’m very tired.  Or on the weekends.

-I can have things delivered during the day.

-I don’t have to worry about interactions with my coworkers.

-I don’t have to worry about my coworkers spreading germs (this was a concern of mine even prior to covid, b/c the gal behind me does not cover her coughs or sneezes and I can feel the air on the back of my hair and neck).  Also, we have that recirculated air.

-I don’t have to see my jerk supervisor face to face or have any awkward in-person interactions with him.

-I don’t have to plan my time-table around traffic.  I don’t have the stress of driving with fucking idiots.  I don’t pay as much gas, and the wear and tear on our cars is less.

-Asking questions at work is much less stressful, because everyone has to do everything in writing (my preferred form of communication).  I used to get nervous to ask, nervous when people came to my desk, awkward about what to say when I didn’t have time to plan it or check it, and nervous about people sharing their germs.

-Meetings are better.  I could listen to the meeting while swiffering my floors.

-We can do sit-ups on our breaks, b/c nobody else will see us, and we’re not in our nice work clothes.

-We can dance for a couple min every hour b/c there is no chance for anyone to see us.

-We can dress in our workout clothes last break so we’re ready to start our workout right after we clock out.

-Since we start our workouts so much earlier without driving and changing, we are also finished much earlier.

-I am not nearly as tired or fatigued after working from home, probably because I wasn’t exhausted by all the social interactions and factors of the job.  I’m fretting and preoccupied a lot by other people and the schedule when I’m at physical work.  As a result, we do our cardio, strength, and abs every single day, instead of lazying out a couple times a week!

-I’m less tired and stressed in general.

-Our timeline is more relaxed, and as a result so am I.

-Because we are able to get more done throughout the work day and during the week, there is more leisure time on weekends.  Instead of all our logistics stacking up like usual.

 

Also, I don’t know why we can’t always work from home.  At the quarterly meeting, they said we made production records since we’ve worked from home.  I don’t see why corporations are always so hot on dragging their employees into a physical location when people enjoy having work:life balance.  And the traffic impacts are exponential.  I could see if we were screwing around, not making our numbers, and making tons more mistakes–but it’s the exact opposite.  Yet we are being called back in probably June 1st–which is too soon b/c AZ doesn’t peak until June 7.  I’m sure they’ll pull the “essential worker” card, even though we are fully capable of doing 100% of our work from home.

I wish I could work from home all the time, forever!

 

Woke

10 Jan

Urban Dictionary defines “woke” as being aware, and “knowing what’s going on in the community.” It also mentions its specific ties to racism and social injustice.

I don’t like the term, “woke” and not because I’m conservative or republican or racist or something.  It’s a hot word, a cultural catch-all right now, sure.  But it’s what the grammar itself implies that I don’t like about it.

Q: What part of speech is the word “woke“? … A: ‘woke‘ is a verb, an intransitive verb, and a past tense of the infinitive ‘to wake‘.

The word “woke” meaning progressive or understanding of problems is in the past tense.  This bothers me because we are never finished learning.  It’s not an end point you reach then you’re done.  So saying ‘you’re woke’ or ‘someone is woke’ is saying you/they know everything there is to know, they are the most sensitive and progressive that it is possibly to get.  Impossible!  We should all strive to learn and grow and understand always.  There’s no end point.  No finish line.

The other problem with hyping a word as the cultural catch phrase is that it puts that word/mentality in the trend category.  It becomes the ‘far-out’ the ‘groovy’ the ‘radical’ of the past.  Those words become passe’, dated, out of mode.  You lose their meaning, and instead they symbolize a time-frame.  And racial understanding, for example, should NEVER be just a passing trend.

Language means everything.  It’s what makes humans the most intelligent creatures.  Our ability to use language to communicate is the WHOLE thing.  So we need to be careful how we use it.  Especially for important social justice causes.

worst of 2019

31 Dec

So from bad to worst here are the least pleasant times of 2019:

 

10. new mck program ridiculousness

At work my supervisor (more on her later) told us our jobs weren’t in danger, nothing was changing, she doesn’t want to see us taking our stuff home out of fear.  I took my stuff home.  Because as a temp, you have zero job security.  You can always get the phone call that says you are no longer needed, don’t report to work…  And sure enough that very evening I got a phone call from my temp agency–don’t report…  I thought my assignment was over.  Temp to hire is a carrot so they can use you when they need you.  But then the lady continued–report to Scottdale (the palace).  So unceremoniously, McKesson switched my program, switched my job duties, and switched my work location from one city to another–as of tomorrow (the day back in March? this occured).

 

And the new program was a relief–new people, better building, better seat where I could see out a window, good cube-neighbors.  Easier tasks.  But less tasks.  So many less.  I went from averaging 110 calls to doing 6 in a day.  And calls were the only thing we did.  Dramatically less work.  And I found out even if you do the job properly, it’s not McKesson leadership’s job to be fair to employees under them–they must cater to these clients that hire McKesson as their middle-man.  However stupid, disorganized, and redundant those clients are–and believe me this client was all those things.  So between just uprooting me with no notice (DISLIKE) and then not supporting me even though I was doing everything outlined in the rules (you should see this email chain, it’s fucking ridiculous), I just didn’t want to do that anymore.

 

9. being cold in the new house

We got out of that mother-fucking horrible, tiny apartment-yay!  Our new house is adorable and (nearly) perfect, but has no insulation to speak of.  And AZ, which is supposed to be warm all the time, has been unseasonably cold now for 2 winters in a row.  I was icy cold and uncomfortable last Jan-March, and now I’m freezing in Dec.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want to pay even more utilities since AZ had 96 days over 100 degrees in the summer and you have no choice but to pay 24/7 AC.  And I can’t find a B-pair of cuddle-duds so these just keep getting bigger and bigger.

 

8. social problems at new job

So I get a new, better job where I did actually go permanent (eventually and finally!) but it’s all weird.  Training is set up for extroverts so I was completely anxious, stressed, and as a result I shut-down.  And my particular class had really super-fast learners, so I also felt like I didn’t want to slow anyone down with confusions or questions.  And I just didn’t really interact, because I never really got to know anybody, and I was really uncomfortable the whole time.  Nervous, stressed out, awkward…

Then my dink supervisor didn’t even introduce me to my new team.  What?!  And when I’m at my cube, I am legit trying and concentrating on the work (and still shy, awkward, uncomfortable) so I never got brave enough to introduce myself to anyone on my team.  So now, it’s been a weirdly long time and it’s too late to introduce myself to my team–so I just literally don’t know most of them.  Like their names or anything.  And that is weird and terrible.  And even though I never got to know anyone from my training class, some of them acted like we go way back, and were mad when I didn’t really engage with them (because I don’t know them either!  We had never talked in training) so they seem disgruntled.

So that’s weird and unpleasant.  And even at McKesson, I had some friends and some acquaintances, because they warmed up and initiated real conversations with me, then I didn’t feel uncomfortable so I felt like I could chat with them and stuff.  Cause eventually I do open up to people, but only when it doesn’t feel forced or strained or superficial.  But so far, no one has made any effort to really talk to me at all here, so it just keeps getting worse and worse socially…  I hate it, but don’t know how to change it at this point either-I’ve been pigeonholed.

 

7. being fat

I lost my metabolic gift when I turned 34.  And now I have to pay attention to eating and exercise in a way I never even had to think about before.  So that’s a bummer.  And all my size 2s are dead to me.  And I put my suits in the give-away bag, and that sucked.  And my Lucky jeans, which were my #1 staple jeans are a 4, and I’m out of that zone now too.  And putting those in the bag, really hurt my feelings.  So I don’t like anything about that.

 

6. parents visit fighting

My dad was shaving his face with an electric razor on my living room couch-what the fuck?!  And I said, “Are you getting whiskers everywhere????”  And he said, “Yeah, so.”  And I went ballistic (of course!  nobody wants stubble all over their living room couch and floor) and told him not to do that-go in the bathroom over the sink–probably with some curse words peppered in.  And then my mom said his shaver collects the hair, it doesn’t make a mess.  So why didn’t he proactively tell me that or answer no when I asked about hair?  Who knows (turns out he hadn’t actually heard what I asked, but bluffed and pretended he had).

Then we went about our business.  I had painstakingly created an itinerary so everyone would have fun and be comfortable and that day was casino and buffet (my dad’s favorites).  And after eating, Dad went to gamble.  And Cool of course had sick belly.  Leaving my mom and I alone at the table.  And that’s always a risk because fights can touch off pretty quickly.  Cool is supposed to be my buffer…  And in 1 min my mom wanted to tell me something.  And I was like, “Don’t whatever it is, you’re going to make me mad.”  But she just has to go there-like always.  And she said whatever it was–I actually can’t remember, but I ended up storming out of the buffet, pissed off.  And there was some loud family arguing on the casino floor (ghetto) and anger all around.  Threats on the way home they would fly out early, and I had had enough so I was actually for it.  And it generally just escalated into an ugly thing that let resentments, grudges, animosities, tiredness, control-issues, and everything negative out from just under the surface, into the open.  Not optimal.

Come to find out, the shaver incident had hurt my dad’s feelings and made him mad.  But instead of telling me, he whined to my mom.  And she has to get in the middle of everything so she confronted me.  But that’s kind of been her thing ever since I was a kid:  Telling me that both of them felt this or thought that as a way to give legitimacy and weight to whatever was her gripe.  Because she always felt I liked my dad more, and listened to him over her–neither of which is true.  Anyway, since she had used this tactic a lot, I just made an assumption she was doing that and blew up at her.  Turns out it was actually my dad this time.  So the whole incident was bad.  I felt bad.  I was upset that my dad would do that knowing my mom and my history, and I’d say it put a major damper on their whole trip.  They’ll never come back.

 

5. worrying about no stability as a temp

Really the worry and insecurity with this is an understatement.  It really impacts your whole life and finances.  Knowing you could be told not to come back at any time is terrible.  Having your work location change cities with hours of notice is awful.  Having to try to be perfect in performance and quality for fear of being let go is stressful.  Not having any sick days, vacation, or time off is exhausting.  No/bad benefits adds insult to injury.  I hope I never have to live this way again.

 

4. felissa hating on me

I thought I was having another situation with the big boss.  Things kept happening at work to make me uncomfortable, and undermine my progress and upward mobility.  Pointed comments were made to groups that I was certain were directed at me.  But my supervisor was kind of a dink-bimbo.  So I didn’t think it was her.  And I had been sent home early by the big boss when I made it known I thought he was sexist toward my work.  I just assumed some sort of retaliation was happening.  I was producing numbers DOUBLE of what they were asking of us.  And I got FIVE 100% quality scores in a row.  The quality guy loved me, because I took pride in my work and made an effort to hit every expectation on all of my calls.  But I was passed up for a promotion.  They picked the top 30 (I don’t remember the exact number now, I think 30) out of like 200 of us in the program for a special project/recognition.  I was not chosen.  But I know I belonged in that group.  And I know for a fact that my work was better than at least 2 people chosen over me.  Not to sound arrogant (and the quantitative data backs this up), but I was absolutely safely in the top 5 of my whole team, and probably if not THE top performer definitely the 2nd best.  But I wasn’t included in this top 30 group.

So I asked my supervisor why.  And she said it wasn’t the ‘top’ people.  But the big boss had said in front of all of us that it was, and I reminded her that.  She said it was productivity.  And I pointed to my numbers that she had just provided me of my performance–and said these are over expectation by a lot.  And she mentions quality.  So I reminded her mine was great.  I really pressed her as to why I wasn’t in the group, because I thought I had been blacklisted by the big-boss, because I accused him of sexism (I was sure this was the reason).  And she told me the people were chosen for their critical thinking skills.  I asked why leadership was doubtful about my critical thinking skills–after all just that week, she had put 4 different people with me as a side-by-side to teach them the job.  If they didn’t believe in me, why the fuck would they have me training people???

And then I was moved to a different program without warning.  No word.  But when I got to the new program a gal from my former program, that had been on my exact team was there too.  But the supervisor had discussed the move with her the week before.  My supervisor told 1 gal–“in a week you will go to a new program.”  And that same supervisor had a team meeting and said–“I don’t wanna see you guys taking your stuff home, nothing is changing nobody is moving or getting fired.”  And that day my recruiter told me–tomorrow you move to a new program/city.  Bitch, please!

It had been my supervisor working against me the entire time, but because she seemed like a damn flake, I had underestimated her and didn’t even realize everything was because of her.

 

3. commuting from scottsdale to here

Having new people around was great, as was working in a palace of a building.  But I had specifically signed a one year lease to be close to work (the former building).  It was within walking distance.  And now I had to drive diagonally through one entire city, and from the very south to the very north end of a 2nd city to get to and from work.  I hate commuting and I know that about me.  Driving through a college town with bad drivers and crazy pedestrians OR taking the freeway that gets bogged down right when I get off work = 2 bad choices.  The drive was eating up a lot of my day.  I was tired all the time.  I started getting road rage from dealing with constant shit-driving shenanigans.  Meanwhile, my new house was right next to a work building that I no longer worked at.

 

2nd.  awkwardness at cmm

I made a pretty awesome training power point.  I gave it to every leader in my program.  Nothing came of it.  Despite people liking it and the fact it was a useful tool, the thing went nowhere.  Fine.  But then a co-worker boy saw the power point.  He loved it.  He said it would have been super helpful if he’s had it when he was starting out.  He asked why it wasn’t in use.  I said I’d given it to leadership but nothing came of it.  He asked if he could show it to them again.  After he showed it to them, my power point was used to help train people THAT day.

I felt like it was discrimination.  It was the exact same power point.  Only difference was that a boy presented it.  I made it known that I was unhappy about it.  And the big boss called me in a private meeting.  He was not happy with my accusation.  He even sent me home from work midway through the day.  I was convinced I wouldn’t be invited back (temp, remember).  It didn’t happen that day.  I became paranoid it was only a matter of time.  Nobody talked to me about it, but it was the holidays so people were on vacation, and things were not running as usual.  I was waiting for a meeting…  No meeting occurred.  But I knew the big boss was unhappy with me, so I figured he was just waiting for me to mess up, so he could site that as the reason for letting me go.  So I became hyper-paranoid about not making any mistake on anything.  And that’s a lot of pressure, paranoia, and fear.  And it lasted for two-ish months.  Every day.  Miserable.

 

1. worst ever:  thinking Goose (my beloved maine coon buddy) might die

Last winter, we moved.  It was also cold.  Goose lost weight, and I know that’s bad.  I’ve seen it over and over, they start losing weight and that’s the beginning of the end.  He was lethargic.  Stopped playing.  Didn’t groom C.L. like he always had.  But when he stopped grooming himself I knew he was about to die.  He has always taken great pride in his coat.  It was so greasy, it became matted, and I had to give him a scraggle lion cut so he had less to maintain.  I was so scared and sad.  We went to the feline exclusive vet.  They suggested a $500+ diagnostic.  I love Goose, but when both you and your mate could get a call any time saying you don’t have a job tomorrow–well, you have to save every penny.  $500 is a lot any time, but when it might be your cushion in unemployment–I just couldn’t spend that much.  Not on anything.  Also, the vet didn’t call with the in-house lab results for 6 days.  Deal breaker.  We went to a 2nd vet for a 2nd opinion.  Except he pretty much reiterated what the first vet said.  And even though we had mentioned the slow communication on lab results as the primary reason for changing vets–the 2nd vet didn’t tell us lab results for 6 days!  I didn’t wanna be that client, but I know better.  So we went to a 3rd vet.  Which seems ridiculous.  And we didn’t tell her about the other 2 vets.  And she put him on blood pressure medication and arthritis injections.  No expensive diagnostics–and he’s doing awesome, I’m happy to report!  So false alarm, but I still felt horrible.

I think “Brave” is about Taylor Swift

3 Nov

The song was written by Bareilles and Jack Antonoff from the band fun., as the singer was inspired from the struggles that a close friend dealt with in regard to coming out as gay.  in 2011.[4] Antonoff described the song “as a real civil rights anthem at a time when there are no civil rights anthems and there’s a giant need for civil rights anthems.” [1]

Brave Lyrics:

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

According to Bareilles, she wrote “Brave” to a friend who was struggling with coming out as an adult.  She said it was such an intimate story. Also, Bareilles says the song has a connection to Taylor Swift’s frequent producer, Jack Antonoff!  She added in the interview that he is known for all the incredible advocacy work he does in the gay community. [1]

I feel like this group of singers were all in the studio around the same time, touring, and being in festivals together.  I think Colbie Caillat and Sara Barellies have worked together and been in the business simultaneously so they probably know one another.  Jack Antonoff is in the mix, (bisexual) Jason Mraz was around at that time.  Maybe there was a posse’ of LGBT artists in this point in time.  And Taylor Swift was around…  Is there a connection between these artists, and maybe inspiration for songs?  I wanna say at least casually there must have been familiarity if not a group.

Preceding this, Taylor wrote a song believed to be about Emily Poe’s sudden departure from the middle of her tour.

Breathe” is a song by American singer-songwriter Taylor Swift, featuring American singer-songwriter Colbie Caillat. It was written by Swift and Caillat, produced by Nathan Chapman and Swift, it is the seventh track from Swift’s second studio album, Fearless (2008) [4]

Colbie: “It can relate to anyone, anything.”

Taylor: “It does, it’s never specific as to why, that’s my favorite thing about it, it doesn’t talk about why or who’s fault it was because sometimes the hardest time of when you say goodbye it’s nobodies fault. It just has to stop.”

According to Swift, “Breathe” is about having to depart from a someone, however, not blaming anyone.[1] Swift believed the scenario was one of the most difficult goodbyes, “when it’s nobody’s fault. It just has to end.”[2] Swift explained, “It was total therapy because I came in and I was like look, ‘One of my best friends, I’m gonna have to not see anymore and it’s not gonna be part of what I do. It’s the hardest thing to go through. It’s crazy listening to the song because you would think it’s about a relationship and it’s really about losing a friend and having a fallout.”[2] [4]

In 2008, Emily and Taylor performed together for the last time before Tay released her second studio album, Fearless. Emily says she was booted from Swift’s tour without an explanation, but there were rumors it was because Swift’s managers were afraid of their relationship ruining the singer’s fast-growing reputation [3]

Breathe Lyrics:

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
‘Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds
But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time
Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see
‘Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around
And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to
Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out
And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to
It’s two am
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it’s not easy,
Easy for me
It’s two am
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain’t easy,
Easy for me
And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to
Sorry (oh) sorry
Sorry sorry
Sorry sorry
Years later this happened:

…Speaking of “sisterhood,” you’ve been one of Taylor Swift’s many surprise guests on tour when you two duetted on “Brave” in 2013. [1]

Before she invited Bareilles to the stage taylor said:

“There’s a song that came out a few months ago, and I listened to it every time I had a bad self esteem day — which is a lot,” she continued. “This song is so beautifully written, it’s so original. It’s something I’ve listened to hundreds and thousands of times...” [2]

In the interview, it’s telling how Sara answers the following question:

Regarding “Brave,” you once said in a webisode, “It’s important to be brave because by doing that you also give others permission to do the same.” How do you react, then, to people in the limelight who are hesitant to come out but could potentially inspire so many people if they did?
(Sigh) That’s a really hard thing to speak to. Honestly, I understand both sides of it. Everyone is on their path, and I really believe that, at the end of the day, people are doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Not everyone is comfortable enough to step into a leadership position and you can’t really judge them for that.
I would love to see everyone step into this holy space of carrying the torch of bravery – it’s just not everyone’s role. If you make someone feel bad because they’re not (out), isn’t that similar to punishing them because they’re quote-end quote “different” in the first place? All of that is a form of judgment. I would rather hope that everyone’s doing the best they can and that eventually people feel safe to be exactly who they are. It’s just so hard. You can’t know what’s going on behind the scenes – why someone is as complicated as they are – and I just wouldn’t want to judge someone’s experience. [1]

 

[1] https://pridesource.com/article/73598-2/

[3] https://babe.net/2018/02/15/taylor-swift-is-gay-and-i-have-evidence-for-days-34274

[4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breathe_(Taylor_Swift_song)

Rebound Temperament (a Rap)

21 Oct

[A.]  Your cold shoulder

[B.]  before you judge, please make an attempt

[B.]  should acquaint prior to displaying contempt

[A.]  the vibe you transmit–couldn’t be colder

 

[A.]  My motto?  Work hard, be industrious

[B.]  somehow you see a girl–malicious

[B.]  in kind, you exacerbate–you’re vicious

[A.]  My time?  I spend it being constructive

 

[A.]  Seriously, can’t you see my seat?

[B.]  I’m up front and center

[B.]  where everyone exits and enters

[A.]  let me do work and chill to my beats

 

Chorus:

It’s not me–it’s you

if you’re discerning the averse, check your own mood

I’m a mirror, an echo, a rendering of your attitude

note to you–you’re not even in my universe

it’s not me–it’s you

 

[A.]  Have we ever even had a conversation?

[B.]  unprovoked glowers, frowns, and scowles–full of hate

[B.]  filthy slow walk, to pick a fight, intimidate

[A.]  eradicate the aggression and frustration

 

bridge:

your cold shoulder

the vibe you put off, couldn’t be. . .  more frigid!

 

[A.]  Don’t underestimate my intelligence, I observed–

[B.]  body language, your side-eye.  My expression blank

[B.]  understand, I know the game, and let’s be frank

[A.]  you’re not worth my time; my morale?  Preserved.

 

Chorus:

It’s not me–it’s you

if you’re discerning the adverse, check your own mood

I’m a mirror, an echo, a rendering of your attitude

not to you–you’re not even in my universe

it’s not me–it’s you

 

[A.]  Reserved, waiting for sincerity, no sinister message to transmit

[B.]  you, with bitchy plans, talking shit…  Efforts to degrade

[B.]  are just wasted time–the negativity, overplayed

[A.]  my planet–You’re just not in my orbit

 

Chorus:

It’s not me–it’s you

if you’re discerning the averse, check your own mood

I’m a mirror, an echo, a rendering of your attitude

note to you–you’re not even in my universe

it’s not me–it’s you

 

Chorus:

It’s not me–it’s you

if you’re discerning the averse, check your own mood

I’m a mirror, an echo, a rendering of your attitude

note to you–you’re not even in my universe

it’s not me–it’s you

 

bridge:

your cold shoulder

the vibe you put off, couldn’t be. . .  more frigid!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moments of 2015-Bad

31 Dec

I see today (New Years Eve) as a day for reflection.  And I can’t say I’m sorry 2015 is over.  It wasn’t terrible, I’ve had much worse years.  But it wasn’t what I wanted either.  I like to know where I’m going, and in 2015 I never did.  I didn’t know if I would continue with school, and I didn’t know where my career would take me.  In the past, I’ve been severely disappointed when career objectives didn’t pan out, but this time I felt a calmness and grace about the situation.  Still, there is a dissatisfaction.  And now I’m left to really contemplate what I want in life.  But that’s a story for tomorrow, New Years Day, a day for goals and new beginnings.  Today I’ll post a few blogs about worst moments in 2015.  Which isn’t just picking the scabs of wounds, it’s thinking and it’s learning.  Seeing the worst times allows me to rearrange the circumstances to make next year better.

And again, I’m posting for the sake of time and forgoing a lot of re-writes.  I’ll edit later (maybe).

12TH WORST TIME OF 2015:  -Bob, at my new job, introducing himself as the janitor.  Trying to be funny, but offending me.  Insinuating of course he was much better than a crummy janitor.  He’s some client services administrator–big deal.  When he didn’t know that janitorial had been my very last job, and my father had been a custodian for 20 or 30 years.  What a D-bag.

11.  -Human drama at the YMCA.  Deb being all weird toward me because ???  and holding a grudge.  The churchy gal acting like a bitch and treating me like a lowly janitor.  Just coldness and unnecessary drama from people with nothing to keep their minds busy.  It was stupid, but even though I wasn’t invested in the drama, I noticed it, and had to DEAL with it.  Lame.

10.  -Rusty’s doors remaining half open in the winter.  Primarily because it rendered my remote start useless.  And obviously I NEED that.  I hate being cold.  So much so, that I had bought my own remote start and fought for them to put it in my manual–which is a liability for them and usually against the rules.  And I had always loved starting the car from inside the warm building.  But now it set off the alarm, because the doors were open just enough. . .

9.  -The unwelcoming, frosty environment at MSCL for my first 7 months working there.  NOBODY acknowledged me, talked to me, or anything.  I felt awkward and alone.  Those duds and douche-bags were the WORST!  Here’s an example:  I walk in as a brand new employee–and nobody (even my boss)  says hello.  Or I sneeze–and nobody says bless you or anything.  It was as if I was invisible.  I guess it’s because they have high turn-over, and they were change-averse.  And because it’s a lab, so people don’t have great any social skills.  But it still made me feel like it was ME.  And that brought back horrible memories of veterinary social problems that plagued my work life previously.  I had wanted new beginnings and to turn a corner in a new field–and this was not the start I’d hoped for.

8.  -Not getting into the UU AuD program, despite getting the 4.0, having extracurriculars, and working very hard on my application.  Was it the gay-themed activities I put on my application?  Bad interview answers?  Being from out-of-state?  I really don’t have any idea, and I feel like I should be in there.  Easily.  But this is toward the bottom of my disappointments (and the top of this list) because I’ve grown as a person, through my veterinary sagas.  I had to future plan, which wasn’t cool.  I still don’t know what I will do career-wise, which is scary and reeks of failure.  But I didn’t totally fall apart this time.  I took it in stride.  I do wonder how in the heck I didn’t get in that class, because I feel like I really deserved it and would have done an excellent job.  But I’m putting it on to them, not beating myself up over it.  And I’m not sure it’s what I want anyway.  I’m very disillusioned by the costs of school.  And I haven’t gotten ANY return on my undergrad investment.  And the forums scared me off of audiology a little, because they said Hearing Instrument Specialists can do almost exactly the same job, with NO school.  And they probably get paid equal or MORE than actual audiologists.  Also people talked about it being kind of a dead-end career, that’s highly redundant.  And I didn’t know if paying for 4 more years would even be worth it in the end.  But I’m still undecided, and haven’t closed the audiology door all the way.  Perhaps being 14th for a class of 12 was actually a favor to me. . .

7.  -When my parents insisted I call Dad’s chiropractor’s son about getting IN at Costco audiology–NOW, at the same time I frantically trying to complete a heavy-duty YWCA-UT job application and get ready for work at my current job.  They get overwrought and crazy and over-emotional, then there’s nothing for me to say or do to stop that crazy-train.  Unless I do what they say, when they say it, things fall apart quickly.  The whole thing just reminded me of every other time my parents tried to control me.  And how they were probably disappointed in me.  And that’s how the big horribleness of 2007 Cabin-Mansion had really kicked off the first time, so I was scared there would be a big blow up and subsequent melt-down of the relationship we had worked so hard to forge.

6.  -The meeting where work reneged on the full-time schedule, hours, and pay we had negotiated 3 days prior.  I had finagled the best schedule for my weekends, sleep, and time with Cool.  Everyone at work had left the meeting satisfied and happy.   They got coverage on a Sunday, which had been difficult to secure, I got Fridays and Saturdays off and a late-start Wednesday.  It was absolutely perfect and I commended myself for taking a chance and asking.  But 2 days later, they called me back in and told me I’d have to take the legit schedule I had applied for.  Because a girl (previously a bitch to me) who had more seniority, and was better at the job wanted to work Sunday.  And trying to please everyone, instead of defending me and the schedule they had promised me, they gave it to her.  So I felt betrayed (again) and like I had a much worse schedule.  But I also felt trapped.  What else would I do?  I needed this job, or it was back to veterinary assisting.  So I had to just accept it and deal with–while being really angry, frustrated, and un-trusting toward management–and that bitch.

5.  -When Cool picked a fight just 2 days after my good knows of getting a full-time job.  Cutting short my celebration.  Depression strikes this time.  Out of nowhere, Cool knocks the figurative wind out of me by acting like a major jerk.  It was awful, because I had just talked to my proud parents and had been super-ecstatic about my new job, and Cool knocked me down to a miserable level.  I was really sad about it, because I’m ALWAYS supporting Cool and she just didn’t have it in her to even pretend to return the favor–her depressive episode made it all about her.  Again.  I wished she could be supportive and celebrate with me, but instead her bipolar and selfishness ruined it all.  The memory of my new job is still tarnished.

4.  -Getting stuck with all the moving logistics, work, and most of the payments, because Cool went manic and in so doing abandoned me in a time of stress and need.  Which was the WORST because moving sucks anyway.  And there is so much to do and plan, and so much heavy physical work.  It wasn’t fair and I felt alone and unsupported.  Mental illness is the WORST sometimes.  It’s hard not to blame Cool, and that’s not really what I signed up for.  Cleaning the Spokompton apartment by myself was awful.  It was messy and there was so, so, so much left to do.  And it wasn’t fun, and I felt resentful that Cool had already started her job and couldn’t come do her share of the work.  Especially when I was cleaning things SHE had messed up.  Driving Rusty, alone, and wanting to come home and relax very badly, after such a tiring trip and no sleep.  Then walking into a messy house full of manic shenanigans, with a Craigslist ill-fitting futon we hadn’t talked about.  And dealing with having to clean and reconfigure everything, while dealing with a belligerent, unreasonable, manic person.  It was BAD.

3.  -Finding out I was just PRN (after they promised me something different in my interview).  I had interviewed over the phone for the job.  They said I was technically applying for a PRN job, but soon, they were posting a job with more regular hours.  That job was the same duties, but it was a year of guaranteed hours.  This PRN job, which had been posted was 25 hours a week for training, but then was substitute only.  Not stable, and not really what I wanted.  So they hired me during my phone interview, but told me they would call me when (slow) HR got around to posting the year-long job.  Then, I was to apply for that to make the paperwork legit, and that job would be mine.  I waited for the call to tell me that year-job had been posted and to complete that application.  And waited.  When I finally got the phone call from MSCL, they were wanting me to pick a start date for the as-needed job.  And pretended not to remember promising me the more stable-year long job.  I had written it down!  And the way my supervisor acted was callous–and I knew she remembered, but had just reneged.  But I had to take the lessor job, because what else was I going to do?  I needed an income after moving to a new state.  And sure enough on my first day of work, I found out they had hired a coworkers daughter for MY year-long job.  Nepotism had been at play, and as usual I got screwed at work.

2.  -The fear-phobia really, of being offered a job at a veterinary specialty hospital.  I had a sense of dread and sick feeling.  I should have never applied to veterinary hospitals, because my resume is just BUILT for them.  But I was feeling a little insecure and desperate about my guarenteed training 25 hours per week becoming true, as-needed.  I HAVE to work a minimum of 25 hours just to meet my bills, and that was soon to end.  And it’s my policy to ALWAYS interview for the practice if one is offered.  And while I know my veterinary experience is a major advantage in that field, I didn’t anticipate them loving me quite so much and being offered a full-time position on the spot.  The trouble was, it did seem like the best case scenario veterinary medicine could offer.  It was ONLY speciality referrals.  It was the BEST veterinarians in the state.  The hospital hirarchy was set up so there was a legitimate office manager and head vet tech to answer to–not the impulses of vets.  There was a true support system and everyone was on the same learning curve and truely didn’t leave you alone to fail.  And they seemed nice.  And said they didn’t yell–and I believed them.  And the technology was AWESOME.  They really had it all, not just the Idexx lab and digital x-ray.  Like ALL the toys, including MRI, and anything else spectacular.  But I had just such bad memories.  And I knew the schedules and the overwork, and the under-pay.  All the pit-falls, that really, I could no longer live with.  And it’s not what I want in life.  And the delimma was feeling like I HAD to take it, because I really had nothing else to fall back on, but feeling STRESS at the prospect of taking it.  In the end, I made the very, very difficult decision on not going backwards.  It was really hard (and brave) leaving veterinary assisting jobs in the first place, and I had done it for good reasons.  I had to keep up that bravery even when times got tough.  So I declined, but left the door open.  And they liked me so well, that they said to call any time I wanted a job.

  1.  VERY WORST 2015 MOMENT:  Thinking Goose might have thrown a clot to the leg, and worrying about his impending death, and worse, knowing there wasn’t a lot I could do to prevent it.  He randomly fell off the couch twice, and didn’t have use of his back leg.  It was too short to be a seizure (maybe) but didn’t have the pain of a thrombosis.  But my reference point was when the screaming cats had been brought to the vet.  Maybe there were precursor incidents at home that hadn’t been painful, and had gone ignored by owners–I didn’t know.  So of course, I thought the worst.  And I remembered the vets at Cats Meow preparing owners if there were any heart abnormalities.  Telling them to just make the decision to euthanize now, before emotions were involved, because once the clot was thrown, prognosis was grave.  And I remember the cats coming in-just screaming in horrible pain.  And owners saying it happened out of nowhere.  One day, the cat was fine, the next down in back and just SCREAMING.  It was awful to imagine that for my Goose.  And it’s still in the back of my mind, because he is a Maine Coon and they are notorious for heart issues.  But I’m hoping he was just being a clumsy dink, since it’s only happened twice, and the episodes were brief.