Tag Archives: traumatized

Independent Woman

16 Dec

I told Cool that if I ever lose the use of my legs or need diapers to euthanize me. That is how important my independence is to me.

So I’m very skeptical I would like to be in the military. I know full-well that the affordable housing, job opportunities, and paid tuition–come at a cost.  Once you sign on that dotted line the government owns you.  You are no longer a free agent.  Sure, they’ll say that they try to accommodate you, but when it comes down to it–you are going to do what the military tells you to do, and that’s it.

I feel guilty about being stubborn against this idea.  But I’m reminding myself that yes, it’s absolutely ok to be stubborn about your own life–I am the one who has to live it.  I don’t have to justify my choices to anyone.

Enter my well-meaning parents.  They are worried about how I’m going to pay for graduate school.  I am also super-worried.  They feel like the solution to ALL my problems is going into the Navy.  Which, I could do.  And I’d like to follow in my father’s footsteps, and I’d be honored to serve my country.  BUT the logistics just do not work out for what I want in my life.  But they won’t listen to me.  They don’t hear my concerns, they just think I’m making an uninformed stubborn choice.  And I can tell saying no about this is stepping into a landmine.  It’s going to hurt the good place my relationship with my parents has finally gotten to.  Which sucks!  It was hard work getting to this better place with them.  School funding/Navy is a point of contention, for sure.  Except–you should not join the military for someone else, and you should never do it out of guilt–which is what I would be doing.  I did look into it and here is why it just isn’t going to work for me at this point in my life:

-It’s an 8 year commitment!

That’s a long time.  That’s all 4 years of school AND 4 more.  There is a lot of opportunity for being moved around.  A lot of dealing with less then optimal conditions.  And 8 years to worry about my little family and my own survival.

-I would have to be separated from my family.  

That’s what I have.  It’s my whole support system.  Cool wouldn’t be traveled around with me (more on this later), and I’m sorry if that makes me weak and a whiner–I want to be with her.  Maybe other people can live apart from their mate, but I never want to.  Also, Kitties cannot go to bootcamp, nor to officer training, or to different countries–and moving them around to different states would be difficult at best.  After being separated from them in Seattle–I want my pets to live with me.  I love them and they are my responsibility.

-I am gay.  And this poses many problems:

–Cool and I aren’t married because I think it’s an antiquated tradition, she would ruin my good credit, and I figure why bother when the benefits depend what state you’re in at the time.  In the military, they try to ensure married couples remain together–they could care less about what the law considers a roommate.

–So She and I would have to be apart.  When and how would I see her?  And where would she live?  How would she afford it?  What if her bipolar flared up as it does and things went terribly wrong?  I wouldn’t be there.  That doesn’t work for me.

–Also, being gay may be legal in the military, but that isn’t the same thing as being accepted.  It’s a lot to ask of me to hide a fundamental aspect of who I am.  But if I didn’t I could be teased, hazed, harassed, or even raped.  I want no part of that–and who could blame me?

-I do not want to involve a recruiter

to get specific answers to my questions I have to call a recruiter.  Which I don’t want to do.  They give you the hard-sell.  They gloss over the bad parts and emphasize the good, so you really have to read the fine print anyway.  They spam you!  I don’t want constant phone calls or mailers pressuring me.

-I’m fearful about the training and expectations.  

I’m not sure I’d like getting screamed at.  With work, I could do the physical stuff, but I in no way want to take my gas mask off for such and such amount of time like you have to in the Navy.  I might be capable of doing it, but I think I would be very unhappy and stressed about it.

-I don’t like travel.  

Basic is 2 weeks in some cold, Great Lake state.  Officer training is in RI–for a month.  You have to spend such and such time per year training who knows where.  They promise you during your service they try to put you where you want to be, but let’s be real, if the government needs you somewhere they’re going to put you there, whether it works for you or not.  And on relatively short notice.  Plus, I have bathroom privacy and hygiene standards that cannot be accommodated in a military lifestyle.  I need a (warm) shower EVERY day!  And a private bathroom stall (with American plumbing) and a door and a fan.

-I don’t want stress, trauma, or long term effects like my dad (and many, many others) have

I’m sensitive,  I don’t want to undergo emotional trauma, physical abuse, and I would be suicidal if I went through the sexxual abuse common in the military and in the Middle East.  I also don’t want PTSD which is a very real side-effect of service.

-I don’t want to risk my LIFE

I also have NO interest of traveling abroad–especially the Middle East.  And I read they are starting to put Audiologists on the forefront of actions because of portable equipment.  Before they mostly did noise-prevention and VA stuff, but with accessible equipment, the government can stop sending soldiers to the closest sound booth (in Germany) after explosions and check them right on the front lines.  That means audiologists are on the front lines.

-And bottom line, the money/perks just aren’t that great.

I can get better stipends from my school, or at the very least loans that don’t involve travel and put my life on the line.  I will find a job once I’m out of school, and I could still do noise-prevention or VA work as a civilian.

I’m going to have to put my foot down to my parents, and I hope it doesn’t cause a big, ugly scene.  But better that then ruining what I want for my life.  I’ll just have to find another way to finance my education.  This is about me and what I want, and nobody–even my parents–gets to demand what path I take.  I just hope they can understand that I’m not just being rebellious, I actually researched and see many reasons why that’s not what I want. . .

Girl 27

11 Jul

MGM wanted to wine and dine their sales associates.  Invited them to L.A. and Mr. Mayer is quoted as saying “Anything you want.”  They got extras to a ranch under false pretenses–a movie call requiring western wear.  It turned out to be a party for the sales people.  With something like 1.5 cases of scotch per person.  This was a very thought-provoking documentary about a 17 year old extra (dancer), Patricia Douglas, who accused an MGM sales-rep at the party of raping her.  She had been a virgin.  Not that it would have been any less terrible (or true) if she had been sexually active.

In the 1930’s (and before) there was no sex education from parents or school.  No one talked about sex, pregnancy, or especially rape.  Rape was never even mentioned in the movies–it was avoided.  As such, rape could not occur.  When women accused it, they were stigmatized (as they are today) There was also no recourse or help when it did occur.  Like the “perfect” 1950’s, which I’ve discussed on my blog before, where things aren’t discussed, it doesn’t mean the perfect image portrayed is a true one.  The unpretty is just hidden.  And keeping secrets makes ugly, problems.  People can’t keep those sorts of things under wraps without facing consequences at some point or withering away internally.  Not talking about sex or rape, doesn’t mean sex won’t occur and rape won’t happen.  It just leaves people ignorant about sexuality and sweeps rape under the closet door with everything else unpleasant.

Along with ignorance and secrets so prevalent in that era, the institutionalized cover-up contributed to Douglas’ misery and decline.  It was the studio movie era so MGM was king.  MGM was the biggest employer in L.A.  This means they controlled police, politicians, and the majority of the public.  To cover the bad publicity, they got the doctor to give Douglas a douche PRIOR to an examination–essientially erasing all evidence.  The one witness changed his story–then got a lifetime (nicer) job at MGM.  When the case went federal, Douglas’ lawyer didn’t show up (3x) to the landmark–1st–federal trial.  Suddenly, Douglas’ mother, the minor’s custodian, came into money.  She had furs, a stable of horses, and cash–and dropped her daughter’s case.  Makes you wonder. . .

The film covers the subsequent trial (then lack of one), cover-up, and lifelong ramifications.  It is true, abuse and mal-adaptive behavior continues from one generation to the next.  Though she lived into her 80’s Douglas had died long before that.  Long term affects of the rape and the cover-up of it:  Douglas could not love or trust men, and became, in her own words, “frigid” sexually.  She never mentioned any of this to her daughter or grandchildren, but was cold toward them.  Douglas became home-bound and obese.  The only things she ever did were watch MTV all night and sleep all day.  Douglas lived with her mother, but treated her poorly.  The rift, ignorance, and pattern of abuse spans generations.

What else can you say, but rape ruins lives?  The documentary will stay with me.  I suggest you watch it too.

PS: Greta vanSustern is a total lesbian–married to a man or not.

P.S.S:  Film based on, “It Happened One Night. . . At MGM.

I’m Sorry Jaycee Lee

15 Feb

Facts via “Shattered Innocence.” The book about the Jaycee Lee Dugard kidnapping/captivity/sexual abuse.  It was a more sensationalized account, but gave another valuable perspective on the story.  Mostly, I liked the acknowledgement of how deeply the Tahoe/Northern NV was affected.  It was also horrifying to see all the ineptitude listed in one chapter.  Here goes:

Phil Garrido received a 50 year federal prison sentence for Kidnapping Katie Callaway on the California side of Lake Tahoe and driving her across the state line to Reno where he had fashioned a “Porn Palace” in a storage unit.  He bound her with a leather strap for transit, then took drugs and raped her for 6 hours before a police officer stumbled upon the car with CA plates.

Garrido was released from federal prison after only 11 years.  He was sent to Nevada to serve time for the state offense of drugs and rape.  They only held him for 7 months before paroling him.  In 1999, parole was moved to California.  On four occasions (November 1999, July 2004, December 2005, and April 2008) California made requests that Nevada should let Garrido off of parole all-together.

Parole agents get a ten week training program, no field training, then are rushed into work where their caseloads are staggering.

Under conditions of his parole, Garrido had to submit to searches of his property at any time.  No prior notice or warrant was required for such a search.

During the first month of this transition from Nevada to California–no one looked at the Garrido residence, as was policy.  Worse, no parole officer ever visited the residence for the first year they lived in Antioch!  This could have been because CA mis-assigned Garrido to the minimum level of supervision instead of the high control status he was supposed to have.

No agent visited Garrido the six months from Nov ’99 to May ’00.  Phil merely visited the parole office on 3 occasions, submitted 5 brief monthly reports, and called on the phone once during that period.  It wasn’t until May ’00 that CA even realized Phil was a sex offender and should have been placed at a high level of supervision.  He should have been submitting to frequent drug tests all along, as he cited drugs in the rape case, as the primary reason for his behavior!

Another oversight were the mental health assessments mandated by the judge.  This was not done at all between 1999 and October 2007.

Still, between April ’01 and October ’03 no reviews were done at all!  Furthermore, between June ’01 and July ’02 no one even bothered to visit the Garrido residence as mandated.  From June ’04 to August ’05 there was only one visit to the house.

In June of 2002, the local fire department responded to a call that a juvenile had sustained a shoulder injury while swimming in the pool.  No juvenile should have been on a sex offender’s property.  Any parole agent had access to this report, but of course they didn’t bother to look.

There were at least 30 incidences in which emergency services were called to the Garrido residence, mostly to deal with Phil’s elderly mother.  Any of those agencies had an opportunity to see something amiss.  Also, parole officers have access to emergency reports.

On June 17, 2008, an agent went inside Garrido’s house unannounced.  His report stated inside there were Phil, Nancy, Phil’s mother, and “a 12 year old female.”  Again, sex offenders on parole are not supposed to be near children.  And when questioned who the girl was, Phil said it was his brother’s daughter.  The parole agent did not contact the brother to confirm this–if he had, he would have realized Phil’s brother does not have a daughter.

On at least 10 occasions parole officers had not completed mandated reviews.  And in 15 more instances, reviews were performed, but obvious deficiencies were not corrected.  It was noted that of the 123 months Garrido was under parole supervision, 111 months were rated inadequate to departmental standards.

In fact, over the years, there were about 60 face to face visits at Garrido’s home, where Parole Officers took pictures of utility lines, cables, and telephone lines running from the house to a carport in the backyard.  This was not investigated further.  Not on a single one of those 60 visits!

Parole agents never once spoke to any of Garrido’s neighbors either.  If they had, they might have talked to Dennis McQuaid, who said at five years old, he spoke with a blonde girl in Phil’s backyard.  “She said, ‘My name is Jaycee.'”  Two other neighbors reported seeing under-aged girls at Phil’s house.  On November, 30, 2006, neighbor, Erika Pratt, called the police and said, “He has several tents in the yard with people living in them, and there are children there!”  The report noted she was concerned because her neighbor has a sexual addiction.  This is the infamous incident when police were sent to the house, and instead of checking the backyard, or questioning Phil, they warned him tents could be a code violation.

It wasn’t until 2008, that Garrido had to wear a GPS unit.  The unit used satellite to transmit location, speed of movement, and direction of travel to the department.  In a 32 day period the summer of 2009, Garrido’s GPS proved that he had left his home after curfew 14 times.  Worse, it showed he traveled well outside of his permitted 25 mile range, to Berkeley, Oakland, and San Francisco.

Most suspiciously of all, the GPS device showed that Garrido had gone to his “secret” backyard 30 times in just one day!  Between July 23, 2009 and August 23, 2009  Garrido’s GPS signal disappeared every night, for as long as 9 hours.  A parole agent learned of the GPS descrepencies and no action was taken at the time!

Back to the “secret” compound in the backyard:  In a federal file was a report of the search of Garrido’s soundproof shed.  This is the same shed Jaycee Lee Dugard was imprisoned and raped.  This search by federal agent, was not shared with state authorities, who were obviously unaware the property extended any further.

In July 2008, a regional sex offender task force did a sweep of the Antioch area, including the Garrido residence.  They searched the house and backyard, but not one looked past the 8 foot fence and into the secret compound.

In June 2009 (a month before Garrido’s arrest), a recidivism test was requested.  The test could estimate the likelihood rapists would re-offend, and was primarily used on prisoners requesting parole–not those already out on parole.  The test was not run until 3 weeks AFTER Garrido’s arrest.  Of course results came back as a high-risk of re-offense-ya think?

On August 25, 2009, when Berkley officers called Garrido’s parole agent, that agent did the worst thing possible:  He asked (an increasingly paranoid and erratic) Phil to come to his office the next day.  This could have alerted Phil to a problem and prompted him to run, or worse, hurt Jaycee or her two, young daughters.

Everyone FUCKED up.  And sure, the state of California paid Jaycee Lee Dugard an unprecedented settlement of 20 million dollars, but is it enough?  How can all of the damage be un-done?  Jaycee missed her childhood, was held captive in horrible conditions, and raped.  Nothing can change that now.  She has two children and a lot of emotional damage that can never be un-done.  None of this should have happened, and 20 million dollars won’t change that. . .

Family Secrets, Half Stories, and Partial Truths (Part Ein)

29 Nov

Grandpa George was cook at 6–beat (pretty badly) by Starkle (of rich potato farmer status).

Grandpa changed his last name for some scandalous reason.  Kune changed his to get into the service.

His 3 Starkle bros sent him to Warm Springs.

Also, he was an alke that made his 2 youngest children wait on a bench when he went to the bar.  

G-pa signed house over, and was gone when my dad came home from service.  Grandma, apparently was seen getting cozy with Vic, one of grandpa’s brothers.  Aunt Gloria says she saw them on the couch making out.  Uncle Richard’s parentage is a question on account of this.  according to dad, gloria didn’t like george.

Auntie Aileen’s first husband was a letch who hit on grandma.  Oh, and Auntie Shirley called grandma a “loose” groupie after she left her sisters.

Grandma was preg before marriage to george.

To Let Her Off the Hook?

4 Nov

Or should I say rod?  Anyhow, here’s my latest poem/song:

You are a shimmering curtain gently blowing in the breeze.  So pretty from a distance, matching the rest of the decor.  I bought you just knowing you would go with the rest of my things.  I hadn’t a doubt about the practicality of my purchase.  I embraced your sheer fabric and pretty coloring.

All you are now is the past.  Memories.  You do not offer anything.  Except good memories.

The wind moves you.  You are difficult to pin down, you sway so.  Flapping ever so gently in the wind.  Quiet, yet uneasy.  You are not still unless the wind around you dies down.  You do not control your own movements.  You are controlled by outside forces.

Frustration, emptiness, regret–that’s how you make me feel.  These days.  Disappointment.  So many questions in the wake of your superficial responses.  I wonder if I was.  Am just a liability to you.  How do you not remember me better?  Why don’t you know me?  I feel like I know you.  Maybe I never did.  Maybe I don’t want to.

And you are never entirely open.  You move, briefly opening, then blowing back down.  Constant motion.  And upon closer inspection, you are tattered and worn.  When I touch your fabric it is thin, tiny holes starting to wear through.  More wind and turbulence will make the holes larger.  Greater gyration will destroy the gauzy material you are made of–until you rip entirely.

To overlook or pin-point responsibility where it belongs.  I never know how to proceed with you.  Our relationship so tenuous, full of secrets.  You so unwilling to open up.  I can’t have that.  It’s toxic to me.  But I know you are sick.  Co-dependent.  On Mary.  On alcohol.  They are the same.  You do not cope with life.  You are too old for that.  I am too.

One day you will be ruined and new drapes will be purchased.  They will be more durable and strong.  They will not move so much in tumultuous weather.

I want answers.  But will I get them?  Even if I compromise.  What I want and need.  Giving you a piece of my heart.  To trample on again?  Talking to you at all is giving you a part of me.  Pain.  Pain and unanswered questions is all you give back.

I will buy new drapes that can be closed securely or pulled open.  They will be thicker.  They will certainly be dependable and practical.  They will also be more fashionable, newer, and better.

Not a Minor Step

18 Sep

My mom and Miss Mike and Shaun Minor and others were car-pooling to some teacher thing when Miss Mike mentioned how she had finished my letter of recommendation for vet school.  Someone in the car asked what school I was applying to.  My mom–in a major step of defending me against Mary in the Dayton community said she did not want to say since Mary had sabotaged a past attempt to get into vet school.  I had told her how the secretary of admissions told me how Mary had called and said she would NOT write a letter for me (and probably more bad things) during that Cabin-Mansion drama.  My mom actually said that out loud, in a public forum, in front of Mary’s sister-in-law!  Miss Mike winked at my mom in a knowing way acknowledging that she had to keep quiet for my sake.

I’m glad my mom is finally on my side–it took her a long time to get there.  And as for Mary, if she contacted my prospective school it would just make her look crazy.  She has no pull there-she isn’t buddy buddy with the dean of admissions and an alumni as she was in Missouri.  As far as I’m concerned, Mary can’t hurt my chances to get into vet school any more.  I’m not afraid.  She’ll get what’s coming to her.

And I’m really proud of my mom for taking a stand on my behalf, doing the impossible and keeping her mouth SHUT about the details of my application, and standing against Mary in a small town enamored with the longtime resident and hometown hero.  Fuck you Mary Minor!

“Cable-Guy” I Watch Enough TV to Know Better

1 Jan

I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or if my fear is justified. Let me just start out by saying I like living alone. I’m NEVER scared. When I’ve had roommates that were frightened, I thought they were just being ridiculous. . . Here’s the story, judge for yourself.

It’s 8 pm and I’m reading a book. I am interrupted from the quiet–this is rare in my place as you can hear every little noise in the hallway: Tramping footsteps up the stairs, knocking on other apartment doors, talking, etc. . . Anyway, I’m interrupted from the quiet by a knock on my door–I’m not expecting anyone. I look out the peephole and see a man I don’t know. I used to open the door all the time.  I felt obligated to at least talk to the person at my door.  I used to feel a little dramatic if I didn’t at least open the door a crack.  Just that day though, I had decided that was not a smart thing. . .  I ask through the door, “Can I help you?” He says he is from MediaCom and needs to come in. He isn’t wearing a uniform and warning signals in my head are going off.  I don’t open the door (I’m not stupid–anymore, that is!). He continues, “We’re doing some work in the attic and need to check your wires.” Ok, I did not call MediaCom, in fact, I have Direct TV which is evidenced by my satellite dishes on the balcony. Also, I’m not the top floor–there are people living above me–not an attic. Besides, do they really do work at 8 pm? I don’t know, but it all seemed suspicious. . . I told him (through the door) “I have Direct TV.” He said “Oh, ok.” and left the building. I didn’t hear him knock on anyone else’s door! It was creepy!!! CREEPY!!! Maybe the whole, landlord kicking my door in, episode made me overly worried, but better safe than sorry, right?


I was nervous about the incident so I called MediaCom last night. It’s apperently a national number and the operator said he would be “hard pressed” to find out if they had actually sent someone. When I persisted, he said, “I don’t mean to be dismissive, but it would be difficult and time-consuming to find out if MediaCom actually sent someone.”

So if you didn’t already know (I did) that MediaCom sucks, there’s the evidence. Next step I am going to take is to ask my landlord if they approved the cable guy to come out last night. . .


I called my landlord. He said no one was authorized to do work last night. He also said MediaCom usually does work for this complex during the day. He said, it sounded suspicious to him to and to go ahead and make a police report. He told me even if MediaCom did have to do rewiring work, they wouldn’t need in any apartments (especially my floor)–they can do everything from outside. . .

So people–watch out for a 40-ish man about 6 feet tall between 170-200 lbs, claiming to be with MediaCom. Don’t let him in your apartment!


I called the police–they said I was right not to open the door-duh. The officer also agreed cable should have no need to get inside an apartment–especially if you are not a subscriber, and especially when it is in the evening. The police are going to watch my apartment complex, and there will be an officer at the complex 24/7. The officer encouraged me to give them a call if anything else like this happens or if I see the


Jaycee Lee Dugard [posted 9-2-09]

17 Jan

Here is a half-poem/half list of my feelings on the Jaycee Lee Dugard story:

Infuriated with the case of Jaycee Lee Dugard.  Mostly because it never should have happened.

.. ..

Saddened that Phillip Garrido’s first wife didn’t press charges for battery or for the time when he tried to gouge her eyes out with a safety pin.

.. ..

Horrified he kidnapped a woman, dragged her across the California-Nevada state line and repeatedly raped her in his “sex palace.”

.. ..

Terrified that Phillip was calm and collected when a Reno police officer stumbled upon his rapist’s lair.  He told the officer she was his girlfriend, as she screamed for help in terror.

.. ..

Exasperated the judge in the Callaway-Hall kidnap/rape case ruled to exclude the first attempted kidnapping, meaning Garrido was not on the books as a repeat offender.

Astonished that “Crazy Phil” only did 11 years of a 50 year sentence when he did such a violent crime, and had prior offenses.

.. ..

Angered that Nancy, (obviously disturbed) married Garrido while he was in a Kansas prison.

.. ..

Incredulous that Garrido was transferred, mid-sentence, from a maximum security facility in Kansas to Carson City, where they so obviously dropped the ball.

.. ..

Astounded that Carson City not only released Garrido on his 4th parole attempt, but they let him leave the state and go live with his mother in California.

.. ..

Furious staying away from children was not a term of Garrido’s parole, because the woman he raped for 5 hours straight was 25 at the time.

Pissed that Garrido drugged and raped a 14 year old (4 years prior to Jaycee), and was released because she didn’t testify against him.

.. ..

Disturbed that an 11 year old Jaycee Lee Dugard was grabbed (by a woman) from her bus stop, in the sight of her father.

.. ..

Alarmed that the Garridos swiped a child in plain daylight, then were able to just drive home in the same car without lawful intervention.

.. ..

Amazed that with the palpable fear in Lake Tahoe, neighbors who saw Jaycee Lee didn’t recognize her as a missing child.

.. ..

Startled that neighbors or law enforcement had no idea of the “secret backyard,” when it was visible on google maps.

.. ..

Disheartened that nearby residents left well enough alone, and learned to live with tents and sheds, weird noises, and children in the backyard of a known sexual predator.

.. ..

Shocked that Garrido masturbated while looking at children in parks, schools, restaurants, and drive-ins.

.. ..

Stunned Garrido’s mother and his wife stood by while Phil harbored and raped a child.

.. ..

Flabbergasted that a parole officer checks a sex offender with a sketchy, kidnapper’s past, but does not walk through the entire house and yard on every visit.

.. ..

Staggered that Nancy Garrido still kept Jaycee Lee captive when her husband was thrown back in prison for a parole violation.

.. ..

Infuriated that a person could get a 50 year sentence, be released on parole after only 11 years, BREAK the terms of that parole, then be re-released in a matter of months.

.. ..

Dismayed to think about the emotional, and physical damage that must have occurred when Phil made Jaycee Lee pregnant at 14 years old, then made her give birth in a filthy tent–twice.

.. ..

Troubled that when children and prostitutes were disappearing near a known sex offender’s home and work, nobody thought to connect the dots and investigate.

.. ..

Affronted by the fact Jaycee Lee Dugard worked for Garrido’s printing business, met with clients, spoke with them on the phone, and wrote e-mails, yet no one recognized her as anyone but “Alyssa.”

.. ..

Disappointed the system lost track of Garrido’s sex offender status when someone DID call the police on Phil.

.. ..

Upset that people thought “Crazy Phil’s” crazy behavior and religious ranting were harmless.

.. ..

Confused at how Garrido (a registered sex offender, who wore a GPS monitor) was able to parade 2 young girls around town, and even take them to a birthday party, and no one sensed anything out of the ordinary.

.. ..

Wonders if anyone in Antioch reads the news when I hear stories of Jaycee going to the store or a college campus with Garrido.  Especially when her kidnapping was all over the news in Nevada, a whole state away.

.. ..

Anxious to think “Crazy Phil” was only caught because he wanted to be.  Why else would he bring a kidnapped girl and two children of rape to a college campus and a parole meeting?

.. ..

Revolted at the audacity it takes to not only plead innocent to 18 years of crimes, but to call the story “heartwarming.”

.. ..

Annoyed when I hear the media call Nancy Garrido the “true” monster because she allowed this to happen.

.. ..

Upset some members of the media are blaming the victim for not escaping or trying to reach out in some way.

.. ..

Tired of hearing psychiatrists and media diagnose Dugard with Stockholm Syndrome, despite never meeting her.

Hungry for more facts about the case and all the people involved.

.. ..

Disgusted that informants are now requesting the media pay for any information.

.. ..

Eager to see what Jaycee Lee Dugard looks like today, after having grown up seeing her missing posters.

.. ..

Excited to hear what Jaycee Lee Dugard has to say about the entire situation.

.. ..

Suspenseful to find out if the Garridos will get the maximum sentence and really suffer for what they did.

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Hopeful that Jaycee Lee Dugard and her two (unfortunately named) children, Angel and Starlight can fully recover from their ordeal.


Traumatized [posted 9-1-09]

17 Jan

I’m not certain why I feel so invested in the Jaycee Lee Dugard case.  Maybe the event traumatized me in my childhood.  Maybe it’s because it could have easily been me.  Maybe I feel so strongly, because it was the first really terrible thing I knew about–it was the end of my innocence.

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I remember when Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped.  She was 11 and I was 6.  I identified with the girl:  We were both blond, both petite girls who were in elementary school, both had slightly big front teeth, both of us loved cats, both had a sprinkling of freckles, both of us had unusual names.  When she was taken, Jaycee Lee was wearing an outfit I regularly wore—pink stretch pants and a pink shirt.  She was snatched from Tahoe—I went to Tahoe with my family often.  The face on that poster haunted me.  It was familiar, and reminded me of what could happen—how vulnerable I really was.  She was taken while her father watched—how could I possibly feel safe again?  I felt as if she was just a little more unlucky than me—that time.  I suppose everyone felt this way.  Most little girls fit that description, no little girl thinks she will be taken away from everything.

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I also remember the resulting panic in the community.  The event was splashed all over the news, everyone was talking about it, parents in the area went into protective mode.  Fear was palpable.  There were pink ribbons and “missing” posters, featuring that little girl, on every doorway, window, and bulletin board in Lake Tahoe.  I don’t think there is a single person from Northern Nevada or the nearby California area (1991 to 1995, especially) that wouldn’t recognize Jaycee’s smiling face.  For years afterward, Tahoe looked for any sign of Jaycee Lee.  Every young girl (and her parents) worried SHE could be next.

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Things changed when Jaycee Lee Dugard disappeared.  The area was no longer a rural area free from sickos and predators.  Fun at the lake or on the slopes was no longer as carefree as it had been.  Kids were no longer safe to go anywhere (even the bus stop) alone.  They weren’t even particularly safe if their parents were watching.  I had to constantly hold someone’s hand when we visited Tahoe or Reno.  New reports gave suggestions on kidnap avoidance, stranger danger.

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I ALWAYS wondered what happened to Jaycee Lee Dugard.  The case was close to my heart, and also piqued my curiosity.  When I found out some answers, I was relieved.  Not especially relieved she was alive (because maybe death would have been a blessed end to her suffering) but relieved to KNOW.  Now, I’m troubled at the circumstances that led to her miserable 18 years of captivity.  That’s the next blog though.