We Are Getting Called Back into Physical Work :(

Even though we can do 100% of the job from home.  And we have been working from home just fine since March 15.  And we made production records.

Nothing has changed with the Covid pandemic since they had us work from home.  In fact, cases in Arizona are going up.

They are still adamant we must return to the building June 1st.

And our building is not conducive to reducing the risk of getting sick.  I am absolutely certain people will spread the virus.

We work in one open room.  157 on the claims side, then however many on the opposite side of the fairly open building in Customer Service.  Our cubicles are short, and management already said it would be too expensive to raise the walls.  As I complained here many times, I could already feel the cough/sneeze air of the gal in the cube behind me (because she doesn’t cover her shit).

The long hallways are open, kitchenettes with the water, microwaves, and refrigerators, are part of the big, open room and shared by most.  We all have to enter and leave by badging in and out of one central bottleneck.  There are 2 women’s bathrooms only with 5 stalls and 3 sinks.  They are crowded routinely.  We share them with the CSRs.  The janitor cleans the bathrooms twice daily, and when he does, he closes 1 of the bathrooms so the entire female claims and CSRs share 1 bathroom of 5 stalls and 3 sinks.

I am very concerned.  We already got many messages through the emergency system that someone in our building had been diagnosed with Covid-19 (this was toward the beginning of work from home).

Work says our health is the number 1 priority.  But I find that hypocritical since they’re dragging us back in with no justification in the middle of a global pandemic.

Leadership sent out a handout of the guidelines:

Do a self-survey and self temp check before entering the building (people are not careful, people lie, some carriers are asymptomatic)

Wear masks in common areas (except common areas got perverted to ‘not our big, open room where we all work and breathe for the majority of the day and there is recirculated AC.  Oh, and my supervisor diluted the manual’s instruction more by telling us that the masks are a recommendation, not a requirement)

Social distance and stay 6 feet apart (except the said our short cubicles are 6×6 so we’ll be the same distance as always.  And the bathrooms are going to be a bottleneck.  And the kitchenettes because so many of us have to share them.  And I’m worried leadership will come right to my desk to tell me things or help me with work.)

They said they’ll increase the air flow rate in the buildings they own.  (They don’t own our building.  Even if there is increased rate, it’s still a closed building, and the AC is still recirculated all day long as everyone breathes–without masks).

Work said they’re following federal, state, and CDC guidelines.  (Trump hasn’t really implemented any plan whatsoever, and he has ulterior motives to prioritize the economy over everything else so he can get reelected.  Our governor also prioritizes buisiness because the state ran out of money probably and he’s bought and paid for by corporations.  Our governor has already opened stores, malls, dine in restaurants, bars, gyms, pools, and casinos if that tells you where his priorities are.  And when people broke his recommendations by opening earlier, or having enormous groups with no health measures–he did nothing.  It was not enforced at all.  No fines, no orders to close down.  Nothing happened.  So we can’t depend on that douche to implement public health measures that are reasonable.  And the CDC has been politicized and muzzled, so their recommendations are weak and diluted.

So the federal isn’t doing anything for public health–they’re actively working against science and health measures.  Our red state is tired and inconvenienced and money over lives so no one is helping prevent the spread.  We are in a right to work state, so I have no protections if my work demands I go back–even if I feel unsafe doing so.  And I know even if I fight, they will say we’re essential health care workers so they really don’t have to make any accommodations at all to require us back in the building.  And obviously we HAVE to keep the job.  That’s not even close to an option.

But I don’t like it.

But I get so tired of capitalism and corporate interests jerking the little people around.  I want to have rights and a voice, and wish unions were mainstream.  We needed Elizabeth Warren to take care of some of this corruption and money over lives ideals that Americans just have to live by.  I want to feel safe at work.

I’m legit worried as soon as we step into work we will get the Covid-19.  So what was the point of us working from home at all, if we go back before the peak even hits the state?  I never thought moving to a red state might literally kill me…

Work From Home

My company is adamantly against letting any of us work from home–ever.  But this pandemic forced them to have to allow it.  Because we work in an open room with recirculated AC and the 157 claims people share 2 bathrooms (and they shut down 1 for cleaning twice daily making the whole building share 1 bathroom) with the call center people on the opposite side of the building.

So we’ve been working from home since March 15.

And I love everything about it:

-I sleep better because I don’t have that anticipatory wakefulness trying to make the schedule.

-I use less utilities because I shower every other day since no one will see my 2nd day greasy, slept-on hair.

-Getting ready for work is low maintenance, because I don’t have to adhere to dress code, put on makeup, fix my hair, or prepare the house and cats for being gone all day.

-I can open all the windows in the cool mornings to use less utilities later in the day on cooling, because I have more time to open them, then I’m home to close them up only when the temp = inside.

-I can work outside on the patio and get some fresh air.

-I don’t have to think about the public bathroom:

*do people think I’m going too frequently?

*are they shutting one or the other down for cleaning so they’re more crowded?

*It’s my rule to pee only in the bathroom–but sometimes that makes for an uncomfortable day.

*What if I have to make embarrassing sounds or smells?

*other people are disgusting and shameless in the bathroom.

*the bathroom is an unpleasant mess!

*Touching anything in there is gross

*it’s a rule of mine to get in and out of the bathroom as quick as possible!

*I don’t like to talk in the bathroom, because of what molecules are floating around–but coworkers and leadership find it socially unacceptable not to say anything…

*I spend a huge amount of my work day worrying about the public bathroom…

-I drink more water because it’s easier to get and see above.

-I save tons of time just eating from the fridge.  I don’t have to spend bunches of time on weekends meal prepping lunches to just grab and go.

-I can pet the kitties any old time I want to.  And fill their water, or top off their food during the day, instead of rushing around in the morning trying to remember, or forcing myself to do it when I’m tired at night.

-Between claims, I can just, say empty the dish drainer, and do little chores.  Instead of having to do it after work, after our workout, when I’m very tired.  Or on the weekends.

-I can have things delivered during the day.

-I don’t have to worry about interactions with my coworkers.

-I don’t have to worry about my coworkers spreading germs (this was a concern of mine even prior to covid, b/c the gal behind me does not cover her coughs or sneezes and I can feel the air on the back of my hair and neck).  Also, we have that recirculated air.

-I don’t have to see my jerk supervisor face to face or have any awkward in-person interactions with him.

-I don’t have to plan my time-table around traffic.  I don’t have the stress of driving with fucking idiots.  I don’t pay as much gas, and the wear and tear on our cars is less.

-Asking questions at work is much less stressful, because everyone has to do everything in writing (my preferred form of communication).  I used to get nervous to ask, nervous when people came to my desk, awkward about what to say when I didn’t have time to plan it or check it, and nervous about people sharing their germs.

-Meetings are better.  I could listen to the meeting while swiffering my floors.

-We can do sit-ups on our breaks, b/c nobody else will see us, and we’re not in our nice work clothes.

-We can dance for a couple min every hour b/c there is no chance for anyone to see us.

-We can dress in our workout clothes last break so we’re ready to start our workout right after we clock out.

-Since we start our workouts so much earlier without driving and changing, we are also finished much earlier.

-I am not nearly as tired or fatigued after working from home, probably because I wasn’t exhausted by all the social interactions and factors of the job.  I’m fretting and preoccupied a lot by other people and the schedule when I’m at physical work.  As a result, we do our cardio, strength, and abs every single day, instead of lazying out a couple times a week!

-I’m less tired and stressed in general.

-Our timeline is more relaxed, and as a result so am I.

-Because we are able to get more done throughout the work day and during the week, there is more leisure time on weekends.  Instead of all our logistics stacking up like usual.

 

Also, I don’t know why we can’t always work from home.  At the quarterly meeting, they said we made production records since we’ve worked from home.  I don’t see why corporations are always so hot on dragging their employees into a physical location when people enjoy having work:life balance.  And the traffic impacts are exponential.  I could see if we were screwing around, not making our numbers, and making tons more mistakes–but it’s the exact opposite.  Yet we are being called back in probably June 1st–which is too soon b/c AZ doesn’t peak until June 7.  I’m sure they’ll pull the “essential worker” card, even though we are fully capable of doing 100% of our work from home.

I wish I could work from home all the time, forever!

 

Loyalty and Fear [part 2-ish]

Also a post from years ago that I never posted.  I reaffirms I didn’t get out of the field lightly.  I agonized.  But I ultimately did it because I was giving my everything and people still treated me–just politely.  They acknowledged how much they needed me and how much I was doing, but I still wasn’t part of things.  It just wasn’t worth it.

I didn’t know what to do–I felt uneasy.  Worried.  The longer I have the 4.0 GPA, the more I fear losing it.  At this point, I would do just about anything to maintain it–those grades weren’t easy to get.

So I called my parents.  My mom would be at school until 6:45PM, so I talked to Dad.  I told him of my latest work saga, how I was stressed and worried, and confused.  And he reminded me of where I got my work ethic and sense of commitment from–he told me to buck up.  Not in a mean way, just in a this sucks, but you can do it, and that’s what needs to be done.  I told me to do the extra work, study, and sleep less.  Bathe less if I had to.  He talked of 4 on-4 off shifts in the Navy and how rigerous it was and how painful the lack of sleep had been.  He didn’t like it, but he put his head down and got it down.  He reminded me of working the potato farm for 2 cents an hour–back-breaking, long work, with prick boss and coworkers giving him constant $hit.  My dad had done thankless, physical work with no thanks and little pay his whole life–I could make it for half a semester.

And I thought-Yes!  THAT’S who I am as a person.  I’m hard-working and dedicated.  When my team needs me to step up, I will do it for the good of everyone.  And I decided I would just have to buckle down, work required 35% more than I already am, AND maintain my grades.  I had to do it, so I might as well get on board.

And later, I read my mom my glowing work evaluation from 12 days before–all the lovely things written about my productivity, motivation, knowledge, judgement, excellent animal restraint, that my boss prefers the days I work, the A-team comment.  Then, I read the texts between my boss and me from 3 days before (10 days after the eval).  It proved they acknowledge how hard I work, and how I benefit the business, and the way they still treat me.

But then, I still couldn’t sleep.  And I thought–why am I still unsettled about work?  I made my decision.  I’m going to pull this out–what’s left to toss and turn over?  And it kept nagging at me.  So I prayed.  I prayed during my sleepless night for a sense of direction.  Please help me make the right decision so I can feel better and so I can sleep again.  And I tossed and tossed some more.  No sleep–and no answers were had.

Then, a literal 2 minutes before my morning alarm was to go off, and I still had not slept.  I dosed off very briefly and had a dream (I rarely remember dreaming) when I did.  In the dream, I was working at the boarding facility that I had interviewed at this last August, when all the Friday-schedule drama was going on at work.  In the dream, the owners were talking and laughing with me, and my co-workers were friendly and seemed to genuinely like me.  Our employers were taking everyone out for fast food, because we had done such a good job at work.  And I felt like somebody in the dream.  They were treating me like a person!

Then my alarm went off.  I knew the answer, and also know the dream was a result of my prayers.  I had confidence.  Something I had never felt about this decision before.  I had to resign.  And it wasn’t in a mean way or on a whim.  It wasn’t even based on this current situation.  Mostly, because I also woke up with this overwhelming sense that I had been fighting the right decision this whole time.  I had known for a long while that I needed to quit–but I had stayed out of loyalty and because of fear.  But this morning, it all fell into place and I felt at peace with it.

And of course I’ll be scared.  Losing stability and income.  Facing the unknown.  Change.  Complete loss of that part of myself–veterinary employee.  That’s 14.5 years of my life and all I know.  It’s scary.  But not worth staying.  Even if I can’t find a job, and even if I’m worried and scared about money–I’ll know I made the right choice for me.  I won’t regret it.

Like I will tell my boss–I didn’t make this decision lightly, and it wasn’t based on any one factor.  Also, I’m sorry that the right decision for me may negatively affect others–that’s not my intention.  That’s what I will say if when people ask me why, or confront me.  And when they treat me badly in those last 2 weeks:  1)  I won’t like it.  2)  it won’t be so different from the way they always treated me.  I never felt a part of their group.  At first I figured it was because of the age-difference, but now that newer, younger hires are included and treated nicely–I know it’s just me.  Maybe it’s because I’m not all i-phone-centric.  Who knows.  3) if they get nasty and say salty things, I will just tell them if that what they think of me after almost 4 years–it just re-affirms that I’m making the right decision.  Because if they don’t know my work ethic, sense of duty, or moral compass by now–they are never going to.

Work Woes. Again and still. [Part 1]

This is from years ago, but reading it reminds me of the mentality of high stress, low pay, just be part of the team and suck it up–which I always  had (to my own detriment).  This was the beginning of me wondering if it was worth it.  I was looking at the costs and benefits, and the costs were quickly exceeding any benefits.

It’s not wise to post this on here–because you just never know who might read it.  But I don’t know where else to turn to think things through.  I am unable to concentrate on my studies (which I desperately need to do) and I need to talk myself though this stress.

Juuuuust when I think everything at work is OK, and maybe even good–they turn it upside down.  Last week, I had my evaluation where I was called “A-team,” productive, good knowledge, and told how valuable my morning clean/prep schedule was.  Today, we were pulled into an impromptu meeting declaring everyone would have to turn in times they can’t work, because our full-time gal would be gone for 6-8 weeks and we all had to pull extra.  My boss has a mind to just hand us all a revised schedule, without our input.  Also the specific dates aren’t available, the specific number of hours extra weren’t specified other then “lots and lots,” and no hint of discussion/collaboration was given.

So Fridays are back in-play.  And Thursdays too.  Forget about my part-time hours, because I have the most “extra” to give–they don’t give a fu(k about my class/study time.  No one cares that I’m only getting part-time benefits, and as such I want and need part-time hours.  Even for “just 6-8 weeks.”  We all know what that turns into (spoiler:  longer, maybe forever).  I have to study outside of class and have time to do the required assignments to do WELL in the classes.  With just 4 courses left, I’m not giving up my 4.0 GPA.  Not for work, not for anybody.  And when I ask for specifics, and say I’m stressed out–the mentality is the same ‘ol same ‘ol:  just deal with it; we’re all in the same boat and all stressed; this is veterinary medicine so this sort of thing is expected.

But maybe it’s too much for me.  I really CANNOT deal with 6-8 full Fridays, I probably can’t even deal with one  full Friday!  And I certainly can’t do 12 Thursday/Friday combos.  But at work, my psychological state comes last–it’s after the bookkeeper’s, after the LVT, and certainly after the appointment-load.  I come last.  I am willing to compromise, but with my school schedule I already feel stretched as tightly as I can manage–I don’t think I have MORE to give work.

So I’m thinking I might finally just do it.  Maybe the finger has been giving me so much constant, continuous strife at a place where I work HARD and am dedicated, honest, productive, diligent, and loyal–because I’m meant to leave.  Why else would work constantly treat me like a punching-bag?  How much more can they take out of me?  I really feel like I have nothing more to give.

Even though there are very few job prospects HERE.  Especially with a school-schedule that has to be worked around, and one that changes by the semester at that.  Even though I have no marketable skills.  Even though the only skills I do have would be more of the same–and maybe worse.  I just can’t deal.  I’m trying to be a better person, but this job keeps dragging me down.  I just think I’m settled into a compromise both work and I can live with–and they change the rules on me.  Then act like I’m a $hit-head because I don’t like it and it makes me worry.  I don’t think I can keep on like this anymore.  I deserve better, and I want more stability then that.

And I’m finally in a financial position where maybe I could afford to quit.  I could use my surplus school loan money (that I’ve been saving for Colorado-moving purposes) to live on until I can find another job.  And until I find another job, I can tutor at school, and maybe even kids.  And there was a possibility my independent study could become a paid position.  So I could afford to live AND work on my resume’ in the field I’m trying to get into.

But that might make me worry too.  Because it would be difficult trying to find a job AND study appropriately.  And no one likes to worry that their money is dwindling.  And what if I couldn’t ever find a job?  What would I do?  And if I used all my loan money to live on HERE how will we ever afford to move away?  Would this just make me more crazy than just sticking out the possible 12 full days, committing to a work-load that might jeopardize my grades, and the stress of whatever the NEXT work-demand will be?

I just don’t know what to do.  And I have to decide fast, because my two weeks notice would already be close to the 6-8 week span of time, and the point is to try to AVOID that scene.  So I really have to submit a resignation no later then Monday if it’s going to benefit me.

worst of 2019

So from bad to worst here are the least pleasant times of 2019:

 

10. new mck program ridiculousness

At work my supervisor (more on her later) told us our jobs weren’t in danger, nothing was changing, she doesn’t want to see us taking our stuff home out of fear.  I took my stuff home.  Because as a temp, you have zero job security.  You can always get the phone call that says you are no longer needed, don’t report to work…  And sure enough that very evening I got a phone call from my temp agency–don’t report…  I thought my assignment was over.  Temp to hire is a carrot so they can use you when they need you.  But then the lady continued–report to Scottdale (the palace).  So unceremoniously, McKesson switched my program, switched my job duties, and switched my work location from one city to another–as of tomorrow (the day back in March? this occured).

 

And the new program was a relief–new people, better building, better seat where I could see out a window, good cube-neighbors.  Easier tasks.  But less tasks.  So many less.  I went from averaging 110 calls to doing 6 in a day.  And calls were the only thing we did.  Dramatically less work.  And I found out even if you do the job properly, it’s not McKesson leadership’s job to be fair to employees under them–they must cater to these clients that hire McKesson as their middle-man.  However stupid, disorganized, and redundant those clients are–and believe me this client was all those things.  So between just uprooting me with no notice (DISLIKE) and then not supporting me even though I was doing everything outlined in the rules (you should see this email chain, it’s fucking ridiculous), I just didn’t want to do that anymore.

 

9. being cold in the new house

We got out of that mother-fucking horrible, tiny apartment-yay!  Our new house is adorable and (nearly) perfect, but has no insulation to speak of.  And AZ, which is supposed to be warm all the time, has been unseasonably cold now for 2 winters in a row.  I was icy cold and uncomfortable last Jan-March, and now I’m freezing in Dec.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want to pay even more utilities since AZ had 96 days over 100 degrees in the summer and you have no choice but to pay 24/7 AC.  And I can’t find a B-pair of cuddle-duds so these just keep getting bigger and bigger.

 

8. social problems at new job

So I get a new, better job where I did actually go permanent (eventually and finally!) but it’s all weird.  Training is set up for extroverts so I was completely anxious, stressed, and as a result I shut-down.  And my particular class had really super-fast learners, so I also felt like I didn’t want to slow anyone down with confusions or questions.  And I just didn’t really interact, because I never really got to know anybody, and I was really uncomfortable the whole time.  Nervous, stressed out, awkward…

Then my dink supervisor didn’t even introduce me to my new team.  What?!  And when I’m at my cube, I am legit trying and concentrating on the work (and still shy, awkward, uncomfortable) so I never got brave enough to introduce myself to anyone on my team.  So now, it’s been a weirdly long time and it’s too late to introduce myself to my team–so I just literally don’t know most of them.  Like their names or anything.  And that is weird and terrible.  And even though I never got to know anyone from my training class, some of them acted like we go way back, and were mad when I didn’t really engage with them (because I don’t know them either!  We had never talked in training) so they seem disgruntled.

So that’s weird and unpleasant.  And even at McKesson, I had some friends and some acquaintances, because they warmed up and initiated real conversations with me, then I didn’t feel uncomfortable so I felt like I could chat with them and stuff.  Cause eventually I do open up to people, but only when it doesn’t feel forced or strained or superficial.  But so far, no one has made any effort to really talk to me at all here, so it just keeps getting worse and worse socially…  I hate it, but don’t know how to change it at this point either-I’ve been pigeonholed.

 

7. being fat

I lost my metabolic gift when I turned 34.  And now I have to pay attention to eating and exercise in a way I never even had to think about before.  So that’s a bummer.  And all my size 2s are dead to me.  And I put my suits in the give-away bag, and that sucked.  And my Lucky jeans, which were my #1 staple jeans are a 4, and I’m out of that zone now too.  And putting those in the bag, really hurt my feelings.  So I don’t like anything about that.

 

6. parents visit fighting

My dad was shaving his face with an electric razor on my living room couch-what the fuck?!  And I said, “Are you getting whiskers everywhere????”  And he said, “Yeah, so.”  And I went ballistic (of course!  nobody wants stubble all over their living room couch and floor) and told him not to do that-go in the bathroom over the sink–probably with some curse words peppered in.  And then my mom said his shaver collects the hair, it doesn’t make a mess.  So why didn’t he proactively tell me that or answer no when I asked about hair?  Who knows (turns out he hadn’t actually heard what I asked, but bluffed and pretended he had).

Then we went about our business.  I had painstakingly created an itinerary so everyone would have fun and be comfortable and that day was casino and buffet (my dad’s favorites).  And after eating, Dad went to gamble.  And Cool of course had sick belly.  Leaving my mom and I alone at the table.  And that’s always a risk because fights can touch off pretty quickly.  Cool is supposed to be my buffer…  And in 1 min my mom wanted to tell me something.  And I was like, “Don’t whatever it is, you’re going to make me mad.”  But she just has to go there-like always.  And she said whatever it was–I actually can’t remember, but I ended up storming out of the buffet, pissed off.  And there was some loud family arguing on the casino floor (ghetto) and anger all around.  Threats on the way home they would fly out early, and I had had enough so I was actually for it.  And it generally just escalated into an ugly thing that let resentments, grudges, animosities, tiredness, control-issues, and everything negative out from just under the surface, into the open.  Not optimal.

Come to find out, the shaver incident had hurt my dad’s feelings and made him mad.  But instead of telling me, he whined to my mom.  And she has to get in the middle of everything so she confronted me.  But that’s kind of been her thing ever since I was a kid:  Telling me that both of them felt this or thought that as a way to give legitimacy and weight to whatever was her gripe.  Because she always felt I liked my dad more, and listened to him over her–neither of which is true.  Anyway, since she had used this tactic a lot, I just made an assumption she was doing that and blew up at her.  Turns out it was actually my dad this time.  So the whole incident was bad.  I felt bad.  I was upset that my dad would do that knowing my mom and my history, and I’d say it put a major damper on their whole trip.  They’ll never come back.

 

5. worrying about no stability as a temp

Really the worry and insecurity with this is an understatement.  It really impacts your whole life and finances.  Knowing you could be told not to come back at any time is terrible.  Having your work location change cities with hours of notice is awful.  Having to try to be perfect in performance and quality for fear of being let go is stressful.  Not having any sick days, vacation, or time off is exhausting.  No/bad benefits adds insult to injury.  I hope I never have to live this way again.

 

4. felissa hating on me

I thought I was having another situation with the big boss.  Things kept happening at work to make me uncomfortable, and undermine my progress and upward mobility.  Pointed comments were made to groups that I was certain were directed at me.  But my supervisor was kind of a dink-bimbo.  So I didn’t think it was her.  And I had been sent home early by the big boss when I made it known I thought he was sexist toward my work.  I just assumed some sort of retaliation was happening.  I was producing numbers DOUBLE of what they were asking of us.  And I got FIVE 100% quality scores in a row.  The quality guy loved me, because I took pride in my work and made an effort to hit every expectation on all of my calls.  But I was passed up for a promotion.  They picked the top 30 (I don’t remember the exact number now, I think 30) out of like 200 of us in the program for a special project/recognition.  I was not chosen.  But I know I belonged in that group.  And I know for a fact that my work was better than at least 2 people chosen over me.  Not to sound arrogant (and the quantitative data backs this up), but I was absolutely safely in the top 5 of my whole team, and probably if not THE top performer definitely the 2nd best.  But I wasn’t included in this top 30 group.

So I asked my supervisor why.  And she said it wasn’t the ‘top’ people.  But the big boss had said in front of all of us that it was, and I reminded her that.  She said it was productivity.  And I pointed to my numbers that she had just provided me of my performance–and said these are over expectation by a lot.  And she mentions quality.  So I reminded her mine was great.  I really pressed her as to why I wasn’t in the group, because I thought I had been blacklisted by the big-boss, because I accused him of sexism (I was sure this was the reason).  And she told me the people were chosen for their critical thinking skills.  I asked why leadership was doubtful about my critical thinking skills–after all just that week, she had put 4 different people with me as a side-by-side to teach them the job.  If they didn’t believe in me, why the fuck would they have me training people???

And then I was moved to a different program without warning.  No word.  But when I got to the new program a gal from my former program, that had been on my exact team was there too.  But the supervisor had discussed the move with her the week before.  My supervisor told 1 gal–“in a week you will go to a new program.”  And that same supervisor had a team meeting and said–“I don’t wanna see you guys taking your stuff home, nothing is changing nobody is moving or getting fired.”  And that day my recruiter told me–tomorrow you move to a new program/city.  Bitch, please!

It had been my supervisor working against me the entire time, but because she seemed like a damn flake, I had underestimated her and didn’t even realize everything was because of her.

 

3. commuting from scottsdale to here

Having new people around was great, as was working in a palace of a building.  But I had specifically signed a one year lease to be close to work (the former building).  It was within walking distance.  And now I had to drive diagonally through one entire city, and from the very south to the very north end of a 2nd city to get to and from work.  I hate commuting and I know that about me.  Driving through a college town with bad drivers and crazy pedestrians OR taking the freeway that gets bogged down right when I get off work = 2 bad choices.  The drive was eating up a lot of my day.  I was tired all the time.  I started getting road rage from dealing with constant shit-driving shenanigans.  Meanwhile, my new house was right next to a work building that I no longer worked at.

 

2nd.  awkwardness at cmm

I made a pretty awesome training power point.  I gave it to every leader in my program.  Nothing came of it.  Despite people liking it and the fact it was a useful tool, the thing went nowhere.  Fine.  But then a co-worker boy saw the power point.  He loved it.  He said it would have been super helpful if he’s had it when he was starting out.  He asked why it wasn’t in use.  I said I’d given it to leadership but nothing came of it.  He asked if he could show it to them again.  After he showed it to them, my power point was used to help train people THAT day.

I felt like it was discrimination.  It was the exact same power point.  Only difference was that a boy presented it.  I made it known that I was unhappy about it.  And the big boss called me in a private meeting.  He was not happy with my accusation.  He even sent me home from work midway through the day.  I was convinced I wouldn’t be invited back (temp, remember).  It didn’t happen that day.  I became paranoid it was only a matter of time.  Nobody talked to me about it, but it was the holidays so people were on vacation, and things were not running as usual.  I was waiting for a meeting…  No meeting occurred.  But I knew the big boss was unhappy with me, so I figured he was just waiting for me to mess up, so he could site that as the reason for letting me go.  So I became hyper-paranoid about not making any mistake on anything.  And that’s a lot of pressure, paranoia, and fear.  And it lasted for two-ish months.  Every day.  Miserable.

 

1. worst ever:  thinking Goose (my beloved maine coon buddy) might die

Last winter, we moved.  It was also cold.  Goose lost weight, and I know that’s bad.  I’ve seen it over and over, they start losing weight and that’s the beginning of the end.  He was lethargic.  Stopped playing.  Didn’t groom C.L. like he always had.  But when he stopped grooming himself I knew he was about to die.  He has always taken great pride in his coat.  It was so greasy, it became matted, and I had to give him a scraggle lion cut so he had less to maintain.  I was so scared and sad.  We went to the feline exclusive vet.  They suggested a $500+ diagnostic.  I love Goose, but when both you and your mate could get a call any time saying you don’t have a job tomorrow–well, you have to save every penny.  $500 is a lot any time, but when it might be your cushion in unemployment–I just couldn’t spend that much.  Not on anything.  Also, the vet didn’t call with the in-house lab results for 6 days.  Deal breaker.  We went to a 2nd vet for a 2nd opinion.  Except he pretty much reiterated what the first vet said.  And even though we had mentioned the slow communication on lab results as the primary reason for changing vets–the 2nd vet didn’t tell us lab results for 6 days!  I didn’t wanna be that client, but I know better.  So we went to a 3rd vet.  Which seems ridiculous.  And we didn’t tell her about the other 2 vets.  And she put him on blood pressure medication and arthritis injections.  No expensive diagnostics–and he’s doing awesome, I’m happy to report!  So false alarm, but I still felt horrible.

2016 in Review: The Bad–and there was plenty

what a shit-show

Lots of bad stuff happened all year.  Cool’s mom died which caused a cascade of bad reactions and terrible events.  Cool’s bipolar was off the heezy, up and down and up and further up–making life complex and terrible.  My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo surgery and radiation.  My dad was diagnosed with early Parkinson’s Disease.  Those events aren’t in my countdown, because even though they sucked–they aren’t MY events to claim.  But they did negatively affect me.

 

Here’s how 2016 started:  I had to work on New Year’s Eve 2015.  Of course either everyone else either planned ahead and took the day off, or called out sick.  But I was still in my first 90 days, so I wasn’t yet eligible for any time off.  So it was me and my supervisor for half of it.  Till she coerced another co-worker to come in by reminding him that he wouldn’t get paid for the holiday if he didn’t show up to the shift immediately proceeding it.  This was typical stuff for my work history–I was used to Noh’s Ark 20s-something shenanigans.  While I was at work, Cool was getting her drink on.  Mind you, we had been abstinent for 2 whole years.  And we had not discussed adding alcohol back into our lives–she just grabbed it impulsively.  And drank it.  Even though she was home alone.  Long story short, by the time I rushed home from work for the countdown, Cool had already over-done it, was tired, then went to puke.  And she vomited, not down in the toilet, but from above–so it got everywhere!  It was the bad omen that started 2016.

The year went on like that–one thing after another.  I spent a lot of time writing my music blog.  I spent a ton of time editing pictures, writing descriptions, and putting in order–my good moments of 2016.  These moments sucked.  I’m tired of thinking about them-tired of dwelling on them.  I’ll quick-write these and be done.  I’m worn down from 2016, and hoping for a very tranquil 2017.

 

 

 

 

Bottom Moments:

9-I got a flu.  For the first time I can remember–aside from childhood sicknesses.  My fever lasted 5 days!  I was miserable.  I lost a week of unpacking and errands.

8-I got the impossible raise by negotiating.  This one hurts because it should have been such a GOOD moment.  But then my boss ruined my moment by being an ass.  He doesn’t like me and makes no bones about it.  He wished his favorite employees had earned the big raise instead, and resented the fact my pay is so high now.  He said, “You got lucky.”  Ummm, nice.  What a douche!  Also, Cool ruined my celebration by picking a fight–one of our biggest fights ever.  Not awesome.

7-The moving process, because it is always a headache.  We had to hire movers because the washer/dryer unit weighs 240 pounds.  Nothing is simple when you are moving from a basement to a third floor unit 35 minutes away.  Cool works days and I work nights so we had to work alone.  And then, I hated the stupid, non-functional layout of the new apartment, and not being able to unpack.  What a money-pit.

6-Our cute neighborhood with so much potential suddenly went downhill.  It went from quiet with tons of potential to ghetto and dangerous in about three weeks.  A homeless family made camp in our apartment’s parking lot.  People started walked by, peering into our living room window, casing the joint.  The police started showing up to various units routinely (see blog).  Starting to feel unsafe walking from my car to the apartment when I got home in the early morning hours felt awful.  Knowing the owner didn’t care about our safety and wellbeing, and wasn’t going to do anything to improve the situation was frustrating.  And learning that no one else could help us, because it was private property felt hopeless.

5-Cool got in a 6x roll-over accident and totaled her car.  But she lived.  It’s a miracle.  Except it happened 1 week before we moved!  The timing for it was the worst.  And I had to call out sick twice as a result of the crash, possible head injury, then her anxiety about it.  And now, I have to do all the shopping, all the errands, and take her to the pharmacy and anywhere else she needs to go.

4-working with effing lazy people every day.  Doing way more then my share of the work–every day.  Seeing my lazy co-workers be–lazy.  Resentment.  Getting held hostage by slowness of coworkers despite doing all the work.  Going home late in every scenario.  Being tired all the time.  Starting the next shift tired, and doing all the work (tired) again, in the hopes of leaving earlier and getting more sleep.  Failing at this night after night.  Really got me down.

3-Working with Catty.  I started dreading work every Monday.  I didn’t want to talk at work.  I didn’t want to stand up at any time, lest be judged by her.  I didn’t want to turn my head.  I felt self-conscious.  We had to trade recs and it was horrible.  She was a bitch and made me feel small and edgy.  She was my boss’ friend.  She had been there much longer and knew everyone.  She hated me.

2-Cool ambushed me.  And I found out she had gone “Mean Girls” against me for quite some time.  I broke up with her and kicked her out of the apartment.  Then, I had to work with the bitch (the afore-mentioned Catty) who initiated the whole thing–every Monday.  Sitting immediately sitting next to her, and having to trade requisitions to verify stressed me out!  Cool was ridiculous, and everything was tumultuous.  Suddenly, I felt very alone in Utah–in the world.  I was furious, and knew she was being THE WORST, yet my heart hurt.

1-window harassment (because the fear lasted longer then Cool’s ambush).  When someone started harassing us by knocking on our bedroom window several times, it was time to go.  I lay awake at night listening, anticipating with dread someone coming back, and breaking in.  I heard sounds, saw lights.  I had to plan what to do if someone got in when we weren’t home.  When we were sleeping.  While I was alone.  When Cool was home alone.  We had so much dread.  It was awful.  And in a horrible year of a lot of big, awful events–it was the worst.  By just a little bit.

Sounds

Lately I can’t sleep.  Again.  Between residual caffeine and my brain waking up with Cool in the early morning, I find myself tossing a lot.  I can also hear our next door neighbors coughing at night.  And they cough a lot.  Because they’re heavy smokers and they probably have COPD.  And there’s a retch on the end of the cough, which is gross.  So the coughing wakes me periodically-or precludes sleep all-together.  I was restless Thursday night for all those reasons–and the fact work sucks right now (I won’t go into that–it’s a whole other long story).

And while I was trying to go to sleep, I could hear the rustling of a creature up behind my head.  On the floor to my upper left.  Normally I would assume it was one of the cats messing around.  But I knew it wasn’t on Thursday, because I’d shut them out of the room.  Side-note:  I love nothing more then a cat sleeping on the bed with me.  It’s one of life’s greatest joys.  But Goose won’t let Choco-Luv on the bed anymore.  It’s some sort of deal only they know about that they worked out.  And no amount of coaxing will make her ignore their rules.  And Goose will nap real good during the day.  But at night he wants to play “under the covers.”  Or he meow-meow-meows for food.  Or scratches on the closed curtains trying to get on the sill to look out his window.  Generally he’s a nuisance.  And since I already haven’t been sleeping well, they’ve been getting shut out.  So I knew it wasn’t a cat.  But I also knew it was something alive.  It was rustling in the way only a live creature can.

Obviously I’m freaking out.  What could it be?!  Mice/rats?  That’s the only thing that I could think of.  And that’s super-creepy for many reasons.  1]  There was a small or possibly nest of small creatures in the house–in our room no less.  2]  The sound was coming from under my clothes rack near a corner.  So possibly said-rodents were nesting in my clothes/shoes-eww.  3]  Cool was out of state at her Mom’s funeral, so I would have to deal with the problem by myself in the middle of the night.  4]  But the biggest worry of all is that our bed is a futon mattress–that is directly on the floor.  The creatures–whatever they were–might run over me in my sleep/wake (terrible in either scenario).  Or I’d find them IN the bed at some point.  Needless to say, no sleep was going to be had–I was majorly squigged out.

Don’t get me wrong–I’m an animal-lover.  But not wild, pesty animals, in my house–outside of a cage.  Pet-store animals are different.  They’re bred to be pets, handled, sweet.  You pick them and prepare the place you want them to be.  They are invited guests.  Wild animals, are intruders.  They walk around as they will.  They make a mess in your stuff.  And aren’t things in groups so much more creepy/gross?!  I mouse in the wild isn’t a thing.  Wild pesty mice breed.  They have creepy little nests and make colonies and their numbers quickly get out of control.  Then they’re in you bed and in your kitchen.  These are the things I was thinking of as I laid in my bed on the floor. . .

Then, I’m not sure how I came upon the realization, but I knew the sounds were my neighbor.  I could hear them rolling over in their sleep!  The sound was not on the floor of our room at all-it was through the wall.  I could hear my neighbors turn over in their bed.  Which is not as creepy as mice/rats nesting near my head–but still very creepy.  I was esentially sleeping in the same bed as my smoker-neighbors.  And if I could hear them cough and ROLL OVER in their sleep, that meant they could hear every sound I/we made too.  Very sketchy.  And I’m sure they HATED the week Cool and I tried to move our treadmill/circuits for when I got home from work.  At 1:30AM.  The treadmill is in our bedroom, and we tried that for a week-oops.

After the realization that I can hear every move my neighbors made (and vice cersa), I really couldn’t sleep.  And I didn’t really want to.  Last night when I got home from work at 1:36 AM, I wasn’t tired anymore.  I was mad–at work.  I thought I might wind down by watching a show.  But after one episode of “Private Practice” I still wasn’t tired.  I knew I would just toss and turn if I tried, so I just didn’t.  I didn’t want another horrible night of not being comfortable, counting hours I needed to get good rest, and hearing every noise in the world.  I decided to watch until I did feel tired.  Which wasn’t until 4:44AM.  And naturally, as it does every day my brain suddenly and irreversibly, work up and I popped up at 9:50AM.  My body doesn’t care what time I go to bed–I wake up and can’t go back to sleep in the mornings.

I bought a white noise machine from Amazon and luckily, it happened to arrive today.  I put it behind my head, between me and the neighbors, so hopefully it will drown out any noises from them and give me privacy.  Also, I didn’t have any caffeine today.  I really hope I’ll be able to sleep!

 

2016 Goal-Plan

I have to be in a certain mood to really write, and though I want to be–today I’m just not.  Tuesday is my most tired day of the week, so maybe that had everything to do with it.  I’ll try though, because I do see the new year as a perfect time for new beginnings, and per the usual I want to grow as a person and be better.  I’ve catagorized my goals and plan to MAKE plans of actions to attack them.

BODY

things I’m already doing, or kind of doing

-running.  I’ve certainly been running and it’s a good stabilizing force, and probably the most healthful thing I do.  Though I’m not going to lie–nearly every single day (and this is day 733 in a row) I want to lazy out.  At this point it would take a LOT to make me break the chain, because that many days in a row is spectacular, but it’s pretty hard to get the motivation to put on that sports bra.  I’ll continue on, for who knows how long.  [time-line:  daily]

-water.  I’ve been drinking it daily like I never used to.  I’m trying to get all 12 cups per day (to account for sweating in heat/working out/eating salt/drinking caffeine) and it’s hard.  They key is drinking as much as I can early in the day.   [time-line:  daily, and early in the day]

-flossing.  It seems a constant battle.  Obviously, I want to do it, but it’s just a matter of DOING it, which is often easier said then done.  I think I’ve been pretty successful at doing it before I brush my teeth for work.  In the afternoon, before I’m really tired.   [time-line:  daily, and before I brush my teeth for work]

-Appearance is just one of those things that isn’t SUPER important to me.  I’m a very low-maintenance gal when it comes to grooming and beauty.  But, in the interest of just feeling more motivated for work and looking mature and everything, I’d like to continue wearing makeup on work days (except Sunday, when nobody really sees me and I’m there for 10+ hours).   [time-line:  daily, before work]

things to start

-Going to the dentist!  And this is for sure happening this year.  I’ll get insurance through my work, so just as soon as it kicks in, I’m making the call.  I’ve already research dentists here, and plan on getting the full cleaning, and all x-rays, then setting up a regular 6 month schedule.  What a relief!   [time-line:  call Tuesday, the 12th of January]

-I need to pain my nails more.  It’s an easy thing to do and I have a lot of pretty colors.   [time-line:  Fridays, during the day]

-And I should wear my beautiful jewelry more.  Those are really easy things that add an extra touch of niceness.   [time-line:  Monday, Wednesday, +/- Thursday]

-I’d also like to take more care fixing my hair.  Instead of a pony-tail, maybe a braid or rows, or a nice barrette.  And, as a more expensive, and long-term thing, this year I’d like to start permanently dying my hair.  To cover all those grays cropping up.  I need to schedule a consult to see what the EASIEST color would be so I can just go as far apart as possible and get my roots touched-up after the initial appointment.  Which won’t necessarily be a color I like, but it will get the job done and be cheaper and lower maintenance.   [time-line:  Monday, Thursday to start]

MIND

things I’m already doing, or kind of doing

-I am such a different person than I used to be.  I have learned not to make work my life.  I’m not centering everything around it, or letting myself get stressed out over it.  I don’t even check what color tasks I will be responsible for the next week when I’m there on Sundays.   [time-line:  daily]

things to start

-reading more for pleasure.  I want to do the book challenge that specifies different types of books.  The trouble will be finding the time in the week to just sit and read.  I think on a daily basis, between work, tiredness, it’s difficult just to get my run in.  But on my days off and especially on Sundays I think I can make time.  And three days a week of reading is still more then I’m doing now.   [time-line:  Friday, Saturday, Sunday]

-read/outline my undergrad textbooks and notebooks.  This will serve 2 purposes:  1)  it will utilize some of that money I’m paying in school-loans and not make my degree seem quite so pointless.  I feel like I’m paying all this money back, yet I never USED my education for anything.  2)  I might learn the material better without the pressure of multiple classes, regurgitating info for tests, and papers and projects.  I can learn the stuff at my pace and the stuff I find interesting/important.  And a surprise 3rd advantage–I might be able to clean some of it out and get rid of it once I’ve looked at it.   [time-line:  Thursdays during the day?  Try it and see if this day works, then reevaluate]

SPIRIT

things I’m already doing, or kind of doing

-be more consistent about adding a weekly item to my positivity jar.  I do it, but not that frequency.   [time-line:  Sunday night]

things to start

-I newed to re-start thinking of all the things I’m thankful for daily.  I really liked it, and it was an easy thing to do, which also had the benefit of re-focusing my attention from worrk to gratitude.  I just sort of fell out of the habit the less stressed and the happier I got.   [time-line:  daily, before sleeping]

-painting for enjoyment.  It’s a nice hobby that Cool and I can do together.  I want to paint light switch covers and finish my totem painting series.   [time-line:  Friday or Saturday, twice a month]

CLEAN/ORGANIZE

things I’m already doing, or kind of doing

-keep up on apartment cleaning schedule.  This should be OK and easy, because I can’t live with the mess.  Also, I have calender reminders set up in a routine I like.  This will be helpful to keep on everything around home so there need not be any huge cleaning days and at move out we hopefully will not have a Riverton Terrace clean-up/fine situation.   [time-line:  follow calender]

-make a shopping list.  I always do this, but lately it’s been more of a long-term list then is really helpful.  I need to buy the items at least twice a month and start a new list.   [time-line:  as needed]

 

things to start

-scan all my photos and back them up on my external hard-drive to cut down on albums.   [time-line:  tomorrow–get it done ASAP]

-Also consolidate my scrapbooks, and make power-points or DVDs of some of the materials to save space (and future moving hassle).   [time-line:  next Wednesday, January 13th]

-set a consistent grocery shopping day!  Problem is I hate it.  But in order to cook, I need ingredients on hand, so this has to happen.  I think every other Sunday after work will be a less-busy convenient day (relatively) to go.   [time-line:  every other Sunday, starting January 17th]

SOCIAL

things I’m already doing, or kind of doing

-I have also learned not to place the expectations I have for myself on people at work.  Through experience, I realized that only creates social problems and makes me stressed and resentful.  People aren’t going to have my drive or dedication, and it’s not my problem.  So a huge goal is to keep that up, because I really am bunches happier for it.   [time-line:  continuous]

-make a firm cooking date with Cool.  We love to cook together and it makes the following week a lot smoother.  Friday or Saturday depending on what else is going on will work well.   [time-line:  Saturday, January 9th]

 

things to start

-2015 was AWFUL for blogging!  I didn’t do it, when I did it felt like an obligation, and it wasn’t too technically great of writing either–much like that last sentence.  Partially, it was because 2015 was such a transitional year.  Partially, I was too tired and adjusting to a new work schedule.  And it didn’t happen a lot, because I was happy hanging out with Cool, and didn’t want to “step away” to write by myself.  This year, I aim to be better than that, though I don’t know if I will go so far as to impose deadlines or post-numbers on myself.  After all, it supposed to be fun.   [time-line:  write again Thursday or Friday this week]

Moments of 2015-Bad

I see today (New Years Eve) as a day for reflection.  And I can’t say I’m sorry 2015 is over.  It wasn’t terrible, I’ve had much worse years.  But it wasn’t what I wanted either.  I like to know where I’m going, and in 2015 I never did.  I didn’t know if I would continue with school, and I didn’t know where my career would take me.  In the past, I’ve been severely disappointed when career objectives didn’t pan out, but this time I felt a calmness and grace about the situation.  Still, there is a dissatisfaction.  And now I’m left to really contemplate what I want in life.  But that’s a story for tomorrow, New Years Day, a day for goals and new beginnings.  Today I’ll post a few blogs about worst moments in 2015.  Which isn’t just picking the scabs of wounds, it’s thinking and it’s learning.  Seeing the worst times allows me to rearrange the circumstances to make next year better.

And again, I’m posting for the sake of time and forgoing a lot of re-writes.  I’ll edit later (maybe).

12TH WORST TIME OF 2015:  -Bob, at my new job, introducing himself as the janitor.  Trying to be funny, but offending me.  Insinuating of course he was much better than a crummy janitor.  He’s some client services administrator–big deal.  When he didn’t know that janitorial had been my very last job, and my father had been a custodian for 20 or 30 years.  What a D-bag.

11.  -Human drama at the YMCA.  Deb being all weird toward me because ???  and holding a grudge.  The churchy gal acting like a bitch and treating me like a lowly janitor.  Just coldness and unnecessary drama from people with nothing to keep their minds busy.  It was stupid, but even though I wasn’t invested in the drama, I noticed it, and had to DEAL with it.  Lame.

10.  -Rusty’s doors remaining half open in the winter.  Primarily because it rendered my remote start useless.  And obviously I NEED that.  I hate being cold.  So much so, that I had bought my own remote start and fought for them to put it in my manual–which is a liability for them and usually against the rules.  And I had always loved starting the car from inside the warm building.  But now it set off the alarm, because the doors were open just enough. . .

9.  -The unwelcoming, frosty environment at MSCL for my first 7 months working there.  NOBODY acknowledged me, talked to me, or anything.  I felt awkward and alone.  Those duds and douche-bags were the WORST!  Here’s an example:  I walk in as a brand new employee–and nobody (even my boss)  says hello.  Or I sneeze–and nobody says bless you or anything.  It was as if I was invisible.  I guess it’s because they have high turn-over, and they were change-averse.  And because it’s a lab, so people don’t have great any social skills.  But it still made me feel like it was ME.  And that brought back horrible memories of veterinary social problems that plagued my work life previously.  I had wanted new beginnings and to turn a corner in a new field–and this was not the start I’d hoped for.

8.  -Not getting into the UU AuD program, despite getting the 4.0, having extracurriculars, and working very hard on my application.  Was it the gay-themed activities I put on my application?  Bad interview answers?  Being from out-of-state?  I really don’t have any idea, and I feel like I should be in there.  Easily.  But this is toward the bottom of my disappointments (and the top of this list) because I’ve grown as a person, through my veterinary sagas.  I had to future plan, which wasn’t cool.  I still don’t know what I will do career-wise, which is scary and reeks of failure.  But I didn’t totally fall apart this time.  I took it in stride.  I do wonder how in the heck I didn’t get in that class, because I feel like I really deserved it and would have done an excellent job.  But I’m putting it on to them, not beating myself up over it.  And I’m not sure it’s what I want anyway.  I’m very disillusioned by the costs of school.  And I haven’t gotten ANY return on my undergrad investment.  And the forums scared me off of audiology a little, because they said Hearing Instrument Specialists can do almost exactly the same job, with NO school.  And they probably get paid equal or MORE than actual audiologists.  Also people talked about it being kind of a dead-end career, that’s highly redundant.  And I didn’t know if paying for 4 more years would even be worth it in the end.  But I’m still undecided, and haven’t closed the audiology door all the way.  Perhaps being 14th for a class of 12 was actually a favor to me. . .

7.  -When my parents insisted I call Dad’s chiropractor’s son about getting IN at Costco audiology–NOW, at the same time I frantically trying to complete a heavy-duty YWCA-UT job application and get ready for work at my current job.  They get overwrought and crazy and over-emotional, then there’s nothing for me to say or do to stop that crazy-train.  Unless I do what they say, when they say it, things fall apart quickly.  The whole thing just reminded me of every other time my parents tried to control me.  And how they were probably disappointed in me.  And that’s how the big horribleness of 2007 Cabin-Mansion had really kicked off the first time, so I was scared there would be a big blow up and subsequent melt-down of the relationship we had worked so hard to forge.

6.  -The meeting where work reneged on the full-time schedule, hours, and pay we had negotiated 3 days prior.  I had finagled the best schedule for my weekends, sleep, and time with Cool.  Everyone at work had left the meeting satisfied and happy.   They got coverage on a Sunday, which had been difficult to secure, I got Fridays and Saturdays off and a late-start Wednesday.  It was absolutely perfect and I commended myself for taking a chance and asking.  But 2 days later, they called me back in and told me I’d have to take the legit schedule I had applied for.  Because a girl (previously a bitch to me) who had more seniority, and was better at the job wanted to work Sunday.  And trying to please everyone, instead of defending me and the schedule they had promised me, they gave it to her.  So I felt betrayed (again) and like I had a much worse schedule.  But I also felt trapped.  What else would I do?  I needed this job, or it was back to veterinary assisting.  So I had to just accept it and deal with–while being really angry, frustrated, and un-trusting toward management–and that bitch.

5.  -When Cool picked a fight just 2 days after my good knows of getting a full-time job.  Cutting short my celebration.  Depression strikes this time.  Out of nowhere, Cool knocks the figurative wind out of me by acting like a major jerk.  It was awful, because I had just talked to my proud parents and had been super-ecstatic about my new job, and Cool knocked me down to a miserable level.  I was really sad about it, because I’m ALWAYS supporting Cool and she just didn’t have it in her to even pretend to return the favor–her depressive episode made it all about her.  Again.  I wished she could be supportive and celebrate with me, but instead her bipolar and selfishness ruined it all.  The memory of my new job is still tarnished.

4.  -Getting stuck with all the moving logistics, work, and most of the payments, because Cool went manic and in so doing abandoned me in a time of stress and need.  Which was the WORST because moving sucks anyway.  And there is so much to do and plan, and so much heavy physical work.  It wasn’t fair and I felt alone and unsupported.  Mental illness is the WORST sometimes.  It’s hard not to blame Cool, and that’s not really what I signed up for.  Cleaning the Spokompton apartment by myself was awful.  It was messy and there was so, so, so much left to do.  And it wasn’t fun, and I felt resentful that Cool had already started her job and couldn’t come do her share of the work.  Especially when I was cleaning things SHE had messed up.  Driving Rusty, alone, and wanting to come home and relax very badly, after such a tiring trip and no sleep.  Then walking into a messy house full of manic shenanigans, with a Craigslist ill-fitting futon we hadn’t talked about.  And dealing with having to clean and reconfigure everything, while dealing with a belligerent, unreasonable, manic person.  It was BAD.

3.  -Finding out I was just PRN (after they promised me something different in my interview).  I had interviewed over the phone for the job.  They said I was technically applying for a PRN job, but soon, they were posting a job with more regular hours.  That job was the same duties, but it was a year of guaranteed hours.  This PRN job, which had been posted was 25 hours a week for training, but then was substitute only.  Not stable, and not really what I wanted.  So they hired me during my phone interview, but told me they would call me when (slow) HR got around to posting the year-long job.  Then, I was to apply for that to make the paperwork legit, and that job would be mine.  I waited for the call to tell me that year-job had been posted and to complete that application.  And waited.  When I finally got the phone call from MSCL, they were wanting me to pick a start date for the as-needed job.  And pretended not to remember promising me the more stable-year long job.  I had written it down!  And the way my supervisor acted was callous–and I knew she remembered, but had just reneged.  But I had to take the lessor job, because what else was I going to do?  I needed an income after moving to a new state.  And sure enough on my first day of work, I found out they had hired a coworkers daughter for MY year-long job.  Nepotism had been at play, and as usual I got screwed at work.

2.  -The fear-phobia really, of being offered a job at a veterinary specialty hospital.  I had a sense of dread and sick feeling.  I should have never applied to veterinary hospitals, because my resume is just BUILT for them.  But I was feeling a little insecure and desperate about my guarenteed training 25 hours per week becoming true, as-needed.  I HAVE to work a minimum of 25 hours just to meet my bills, and that was soon to end.  And it’s my policy to ALWAYS interview for the practice if one is offered.  And while I know my veterinary experience is a major advantage in that field, I didn’t anticipate them loving me quite so much and being offered a full-time position on the spot.  The trouble was, it did seem like the best case scenario veterinary medicine could offer.  It was ONLY speciality referrals.  It was the BEST veterinarians in the state.  The hospital hirarchy was set up so there was a legitimate office manager and head vet tech to answer to–not the impulses of vets.  There was a true support system and everyone was on the same learning curve and truely didn’t leave you alone to fail.  And they seemed nice.  And said they didn’t yell–and I believed them.  And the technology was AWESOME.  They really had it all, not just the Idexx lab and digital x-ray.  Like ALL the toys, including MRI, and anything else spectacular.  But I had just such bad memories.  And I knew the schedules and the overwork, and the under-pay.  All the pit-falls, that really, I could no longer live with.  And it’s not what I want in life.  And the delimma was feeling like I HAD to take it, because I really had nothing else to fall back on, but feeling STRESS at the prospect of taking it.  In the end, I made the very, very difficult decision on not going backwards.  It was really hard (and brave) leaving veterinary assisting jobs in the first place, and I had done it for good reasons.  I had to keep up that bravery even when times got tough.  So I declined, but left the door open.  And they liked me so well, that they said to call any time I wanted a job.

1.  VERY WORST 2015 MOMENT:  Thinking Goose might have thrown a clot to the leg, and worrying about his impending death, and worse, knowing there wasn’t a lot I could do to prevent it.  He randomly fell off the couch twice, and didn’t have use of his back leg.  It was too short to be a seizure (maybe) but didn’t have the pain of a thrombosis.  But my reference point was when the screaming cats had been brought to the vet.  Maybe there were precursor incidents at home that hadn’t been painful, and had gone ignored by owners–I didn’t know.  So of course, I thought the worst.  And I remembered the vets at Cats Meow preparing owners if there were any heart abnormalities.  Telling them to just make the decision to euthanize now, before emotions were involved, because once the clot was thrown, prognosis was grave.  And I remember the cats coming in-just screaming in horrible pain.  And owners saying it happened out of nowhere.  One day, the cat was fine, the next down in back and just SCREAMING.  It was awful to imagine that for my Goose.  And it’s still in the back of my mind, because he is a Maine Coon and they are notorious for heart issues.  But I’m hoping he was just being a clumsy dink, since it’s only happened twice, and the episodes were brief.

Undecided

I feel like I should explain my long absence to you, my readers.  And really, there’s no real reason for it.  And I don’t want to get into a whole big thing.  So I’ll skip it–cause I can.

And I feel like I should talk about my visit to Nevada, the DMB concert (great seats!) and the Reno Balloon Races (fun and is it possible to make this an annual adventure for us?!) but it would take a long time.  And I just spent three days uploading, editing, labeling, and commenting on maybe hundreds of pictures from the week.  And I don’t think I could remember everything.  And I don’t want to have to sit here for half the morning trying to get it all down, when I want to run the neighborhood and rain is forecast soon.  OK, mmaybe I’ll post some of the pics on this blog so you get an idea.

So just know the decade-plus wait was not unwarranted, the balloons will probably go down as my favorite moment of 2015, with the Brandi concert, DMB, my parents’ June visit, and our first visit to SLC rounding out the top five times of 2015.  This paragraph is more for me (on December 31st) then you.

Anyway, I have a problem.

I guess I’m being a little apathetic.  And it’s probably out of fear.  But as a loyal person, I don’t want to get locked into the wrong thing.  I never again want to feel miserable, trapped, and stuck.  As such, I’m not making any commitments or decisions.  Which ironically, is also a form of being trapped.  Here’s the things:

I HATE not seeing Cool very long on weekdays.  I enjoy hanging out with her.  I like running with her, and also know she gets it done when I’m with her.  I like eating meals with her.  It’s easier to have an equal amount of chores when we’re together.

I like having the entire sunny part of the work day NOT being at work.  It feels like I have more time.  And businesses are open if I have to run errands.  And I see the kitties more.

I LIKE having both Saturday and Sunday off EVERY week.  All day long, two full days in a row.  I’ve NEVER had that before, and I’m hesitant to give it up.  I will be so sad and jealous if Cool still gets them off and I have to go to work.

My coworkers range from dud to douche.  And I don’t feel a part of any team, but I don’t have open hostility with them either-I just go about my business.  It’s not optimal, but it’s fine.

I know my boss would screw me over in half a second.  But I don’t have to deal with management all that much.

I thought I had made my decision to leave and find a day job.  BUT I actually LIKE the work itself.  Pretty much all of it.  There’s no part I hate (except maybe for splitting the stool sample, b/c it’s creepy) and that’s never happened to me before.  I wouldn’t want to take a chance of getting into something else and not liking it, or hating a part of it.

I’m afraid of applying and interviewing for jobs, because I feel like my education and experience aren’t good for anything but veterinary work.

I absolutely do NOT want to work at vet hospitals anymore and will try to only go back in emergency (financial) situations.

My finances require at least 25 hours per week, and that’s very tight (maybe impossible when my 3rd undergrad loan comes off deferment), 30 would be better.

Right now I am an “as needed” (PRN) employee.  And they’ve thus far (5 months) given me a very consistent schedule of 25 hrs/wk, but that could change at any point.  I can work 25 hrs or 0 hours, it just depends who else is on vacation, sick, or quits.

As a PRN employee, I can get ANY day off.  Because I’m not guaranteed work at all, I can always say no if asked to work.  It’s a double-edged sword.

As a PRN, I may have to work some weekends, just to meet the hours.  This is them doing me a favor (not sarcasm) and trying to keep my hours up, even if the demand isn’t quite there.

If I go full-time, I get health insurance, extra pay for working nights, and maybe even a raise (they can count my experience).

If I go full-time, I will see Cool 30 minutes a day (if she doesn’t have to work late, and if traffic allows it) and I won’t like that at ALL.

I’m nervous about going full-time, because 40 hours a week seems like too much.  30 would be perfect, but my current employer rarely offers that (though Cool had that and she’s now upstairs).  And I don’t want my life to become ALL work again.  I don’t want to be tired all the time.  And I don’t want my week days to only be all about working.  I also wouldn’t want to be pressured to work over 40 hours–I’ve been there before.

I could apply to other jobs, but I’d have to hope to get something with just 5 months experience.  Also, I’d have to take my chances with the schedule, the location, and the work itself.  What if it’s worse???  I also wouldn’t want to burn my bridges at the current job, because I would want to fall back on it if at all possible.

So there you have it.  I am waffling.

I know I need the money and stability, but I’m just very hesitant and commitment-phobic right now.  My inclination is to wait and see, but my finances may demand sooner action.

I hate to say it, because I loved it for so long and was so passionate about it, but the veterinary world scarred me.