Tag Archives: girls

Disingenuine (A poem/song) [posted 7-23-07]

17 Jan

I was inspired to write a poem about the “Fake People” as TLC would say. It’s not about one specific person. There are far too many fake bitches to write about just one-ha ha. This is more of a creative exercise than an attack on anyone. This would be better as a song, I think. As a matter of fact, think of this forward as a transition at a concert. Here is the explanation to my next song-yay! If only I had access to (or ability to play) the piano or guitar. Hold on–I do have access to (and ability to play) the flute. I won’t be held back! It will be a variation on “Ellie Come Home.” By the way, since I’m beginning my career as a faux-writer, are band names supposed to go in quotations? Gotta learn the basics, you know. Just read this while humming to get the true effect I’m trying to convey. Any song will do. Get ready for a new sound, people 😉

One more thing:  Spacing on blogs sucks.  Everytime there is an enter, it creates a double space.  I had this written as poetry, you know, the whole 4 lines to a stanza (there’s some writing knowledge for ya–stanza) business.  To compensate, I made each stanza a different color.  Read on, that’s all you need to know.

Disingenuine

Is there anyone for real?

Show me your true intentions

Tell me how you really feel

Don’t keep me in suspension. . .

Don’t waste my time

Putting on a show

Being angry is fine

I just want to know

Stop blaming me, don’t throw a fit

I won’t play your game

We both know you’re a hypocrite

I think your act is lame. . .

I see to the real you

I know who you actually are

Your actions are hardly true

Funny thing–it gets you far!

Continue how you act

Immature, ugly, and cold

Just know I know the fact

This façade of yours won’t hold

Your insides are not so pretty

As you lead others to believe

Your personality is shitty

I want you to go away–LEAVE!

It may take awhile

But people will get smart

And catch on to your guile

Look straight to your black heart

Until then though

Just get out of my life

You are my foe

I’m tired of all the strife

Just go!

Peeping Thong [posted 3-1-09]

17 Jan

You know how Earl has a karma list?  I think I’m going to compile a pet-peeve list featuring my aphorisms.  Sometimes I would just like to curse at people to infuse some sense into them.  Irritation #268:  Scrubs are supposed to be loose as a rule!  Your ass has poked my eye out and it makes me want to shower you with imprecations.

It is the same old story–my apothegm:  People buy their clothes too small.  I am not sure which enervates me more, looking at it, or ranting about it.  It is not optimal to buy the smallest size you can slither into, I cannot share this axiom enough.  No one knows what size you are wearing, and God knows they make scrubs in huge sizes!  You are supposed to be able to move in scrubs.  Boys, this maxim is for you too–maybe even more so than for the ladies.  I don’t wanna see that, as my postulate alludes to.

I would venture to postulate you are not clubbin’ or at the beach—buy scrubs that fit you properly!!!  I do not know why this is such a common thing, but it saps my energy to see it and almost debilitates me to have to bring it up again and again.  The self-evident truth is that scrubs are not meant to hug your curves, and I certainly should never see your thong in them!  Let’s not even talk about crack *shudder*  This premise holds true especially if you are a doctor [that’s who this post is about, P.S.]!  It is in these instances I am most put-out and enfeebled–these types got into veterinary school over me!  When I see idiots that made it in my dream career over me, I have so much anathema towards them.  Be a professional—not a damn slut.

And if you are so pathetic that you feel good when some dirty old man oogles you, you need to get a damn life.  You bring malediction to all women with an attitude (and low self-esteem) such as that.  A dude would look at a toothless crack-whore if she was showing her ass. . .  If I can tell you what color thong you’ve worn for the last week, your scrubs are too tight.  C’mon people, is it THAT hard?!

 

Nix the Red and Pink. . . And Save some Green [posted 2-10-09]

17 Jan

You’ve heard all of my arguments against the vestige that is Valentine’s Day.  I write the blog year after year, trying to convince my readers not to celebrate such a foolish relic of a day. . .  Go back and read the yearly blog—the points are still valid.

Maybe you STILL love the day.  You don’t care that’s it’s cliché’, trite, and shallow, you will celebrate anyway.  Let me try a different angle.  Valentine’s Day and other stupid holidays are bad for the environment!  Here are some creative ideas to limit your environmental impact, not to mention get off of MY nerves.

You just finished slaughtering pine trees only to throw the remnants away in the post-Christmas cleaning frenzy—do you really need to kill flowers too?!  All those overpriced roses?  Yeah, you killed a plant to celebrate your love—not the coolest.  Instead why don’t you GIVE a tree to your lover?  If you don’t like that idea, you could PLANT a rose instead of giving a bouquet.  Growing something is something you can both enjoy for years to come, and it benefits the environment.  You could also put money towards the dwindling rainforest, plant something in a local park, or buy carbon emissions, though that’s kind of a cheater’s way of offsetting our pollution.

Chocolate, cards, candy, and other trace trinkets are (let’s face it) lame and cost a fortune.  THIS is also the reason why Valentine’s Day is advertised and promoted so much.  Do you even keep these remaining “treasures?”  They also tend to come in plastic packaging that ends up in landfills and take eternity to break down.  I suggest forgoing all of this crap—and plant a little herb or organic vegetable garden together.  That’s more original, allows you two to spend quality time, and saves money in the long run.  You may also yield some stellar eatings that last way beyond February.  Cook a romantic meal from your garden, gasp, in April when we don’t have a “love holiday,” and all the expectations that go with it.  To take it even further, take a quiet and romantic walk with your beau.  Pick up trash along your path—you will feel much better than you would just by giving meaningless presents and dropping a fortune on an expensive dinner.  Or at least make artwork or a scrapbook out of the friggin’ candy packaging and eat your damn leftovers from your hackneyed candle-lit dinner, sigh. . .

The worst of all?  Stuffed animals and balloons!  It’s horrible when you have to parade around with your stuff, trying to make everyone jealous and rub this horrible day in everyone’s faces.  If your balloon flies off (maybe at the hands of an envious, single lady?) or after you’ve thrown it away, it is detrimental to the Earth.  It can kill birds and whatever else.  Awful!  Instead of being obnoxious, why don’t you and your sweetie volunteer at a soup kitchen, senior citizen’s home, or a hospital.  Besides being able to show your love to some REAL sad-sacks, you may even come to realize that Valentine’s Day is pretty superficial when you see some real NEED in the world.

All my ideas will really DO something for the Earth.  An unintentional side-effect is the savings.  These ideas are imaginative ways of spending time with your love, showing them you care, and on the cheap!  It also is more original and meaningful and shows longevity and confidence in your relationship—which is what we’re really celebrating on the 14th isn’t it?  Besides, all of MY ideas limit the loathsome, superficial, petty, excessive things about Valentines day.  We ALL win!….

Where is the LOVE?! [Anti-Valentine’s #2] posted-2-13-08

13 Feb

I wasn’t going to do this, but here goes my annual Valentine’s (a.k.a. the day girls are bitches) blog.  I write one every year, and thought I would let it go this year.  You’ve heard my case, after all, but after hearing the girls at work, I feel the need to reiterate it.

Number 1 problem:  You think I’m writing this because I’m single and bitter.  The fact you think that just shows how wack February 14th is.

What IS that anyway?  Why is there one holiday that makes single people feel like losers???  People flaunt their “love” and fawning over each other in public, exchanging gifts, generally rubbing everyone else’s noses in their happiness—or feigned happiness as the case may be. . .  If you really loved each other you wouldn’t need a holiday to pander to your significant other, lavishing each other with gifts and romance!  You also wouldn’t need to make other people feel shitty about not having what you do.  I am unconcerned about other people’s relationships, and do not know why they feel the need to brag about them on this day.

Yes, I’m single, but I’m certainly not bitter.  I could be in a relationship if I wanted, but until I find someone up to my standards, I’m holding off—MY choice.   I am unemotional about my single status on Valentine’s Day–does it really mattered if you’re coupled on this particular day of the year?!  Not every single person is sad about being single!  I remember some big downfalls of being part of a couple.  There are pros and cons to each side.

I am also not writing this because I have never gotten anything special on V-Day.  I have had good (typical) valentine’s days in the past.  I have received roses, there were at least 3 years that I got stuffed animals, I have gotten countless cards, candy, and special dinners, AND someone even decorated my high school locker.  It’s not that I just don’t get attention on the 14th.  I hate the day because it’s stupid…..

And no, I wouldn’t change my tune if I was dating someone.  I would still be stoic about participating in this Cool's Canada Pics 015phony event.  I refuse to grovel at anyone’s feet because society and tradition ostracizes me if I chose not to.  I would (and have) shun(ed) this “holiday” even if I was in a relationship.  I remain stolid about the red and pink and don’t celebrate it on principal.

Number 2 problem:  Hallmark is the only one who wins!

Does anyone even know why Valentine’s Day is a holiday in the first place?  Don’t lie—you don’t.  I find it moneyappalling how lacking in sensitivity this day is.  It takes absolutely no thought to carry out the traditions you’re told to on the 14th.  Why are you shamelessly buying into the hype and spending (too much) money on all those stereotypical, thoughtless, cliché gifts?  The price of roses gets jacked up sky high, restaurants have crazy reservation waits, and stores starting putting out their merchandise after New Years.  This holiday is hardly about love—it’s about tired expectations and $$$!

Number 3 problem:  Girls turn into bitches!

The whole holiday is squarely centered on the distaff’s side of things.  Don’t tell me guys like this day.  It isn’t FOR them.  They are apathetic and indifferent to it, except for the fact their women require an overabundance of things.  Guys are impassive about getting flowers or jewelry.  There really isn’t a good Valentine’s Day gift for dudes.  They would even pass on the food if it meant they didn’t have to jump through hoops every February.  Guys have none of the benefit (face it, you’d probably sleep with him holiday or not) but all the work on Valentines day.

evil BarbieThis holiday brings out the worst in females.  I don’t hear anything but selfish, superficial, whiny speculation, then complaining.  Guys can never do well enough!  The girls want presents.  More specifically, something expensive, preferably flowers (better be 12 long-stem roses) or jewelry.  Let’s not kid ourselves—you want both, plus romance.  Securing reservations at the best restaurant isn’t good enough—the guy better do something memorable and spectacular.

The guy will always fail.  Of course he falls below these grand dreams—anyone would.  After the big gift giving, the girl will bitch to her friends that it wasn’t good enough in some way.  All the while parading the gift around—cause ANYTHING is better than being single. . .

Solution:  I’m making my own holiday for February.

Being phlegmatic and trying to ignore this stupid day is not the answer.  Valentine’s Day won’t soon die.  I know, February kinda sucks, especially after all the big holidays have passed.  There are no vernal signs of life and winter can be dreary.  After the holidays and before the spring arrives, people need a little bright spot to look forward to.  We just need some sort of celebration after Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years in the middle of the winter.  I hear you.  MY special day will mean no school or work, this fresh new theme will involve some sort of parade, drinking, and anyone who wants to participate—except bitches!….

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