Tag Archives: work

Narcissists Talk to You a Certain Way

2 Feb

I was trying to figure out the best way to relate the narcissists I’ve known to the symptoms and signs of the personality disorder. But it’s so big I was having a difficult time. What I decided I’m going to do is share snippets of what I am learning from YouTube, Quora, the Reddit thread, articles, etc… with a personal story.

  1. https://humpsych.com/5-ways-narcissists-talk-that-you-should-notice/5/

My mentor could talk to anyone!

Yeah, because she would talk about herself.

I didn’t notice all that much at first. Especially because before you’re an adult a lot of people don’t talk to you like an equal. They ask questions as if you’re on an interview or give (unsolicited) advice. But the thing was my mentor did this to other adults too. Everything was always about her hard day, her to-do list, her accomplishments, her.

KDouche also couldn’t read a room. He would go on about whatever Mommy’s basement (or whatever) activities he was up to. Even if you were trying to get to business, even if no one else shared their weekend, even if it was a negative meeting.

Jogre couldn’t answer a work question to save her life, and was evasive when pushed for an answer. But when she spoke it was as if she had savant-level skills.

MNarc really lit up during an ice breaker when it came to telling about herself. Her answer would be peppered with comments like, “I think I’m pretty great” and “I have a lot of accomplishments” and other things that are socially unacceptable to say.

Maybe not “spoiled and rich” but people getting into veterinary school ARE privileged

2 Jan

I saw my first entry on this subject pop up on my recently read posts, and thought it was high time I addressed the feedback I received for it. I know people got a bit heated, and denied that they were entitled in any way. My word choice may have been misogynistic and overly harsh, but what I was trying to say holds true. I stand by my assertion that people with access to veterinary school ARE privileged.

The thing about privilege, is that if you have it, it’s invisible to you. White males don’t know the struggles they are not made to face in this patriarchal society. They have worked to get where they are, but just don’t know how other people are trying to climb out of their circumstances. Veterinarians feel like they struggled, and worked hard (and they did). BUT if you don’t have barriers such as race or poverty where you have to start out in a hole, on lower ground–you don’t know.

As a crude example of privilege, everyone probably struggles to write their resume and secure that job interview. It’s a pain, there’s a lot of details, and you have to work to get noticed by potential employers. But think about if your name is Mohammad. That person has to contend with racial bias right out of the gate. You and Mohammad are working equally as hard on writing your resume in order to snag an interview, but Mohammad’s very name puts him at a disadvantage you (Jason, Jenny) have never dealt with. That’s the privilege I’m talking about when I say it’s spoiled, rich girls that are the ones getting into veterinary school. I’m calling out the rich guys just as much, but demographically females are the more numerous sex currently in the field.

Here’s a rundown why I can see the privilege in veterinary medicine: I had to pay my own tuition, rent, car, utilities-everything. Therefore, I HAD to make an income. And I didn’t have the advantage of test prep, for example. I DID have the advantage of some time to gain observation hours, and ability to purchase chemistry and physics tutors. Some people can’t afford those things and it does make things more difficult for them. I did not, however, have the luxury of a lot of study time. Working to pay bills is a lot different than part time work to gain experience (when bills are safely paid by Daddy and Mommy). And getting a co-signer for loans is something not everyone can do–my parents co-signed private undergrad loans for me. I was precluded from federal by their income, despite the fact they were not financially helping me, until I was 24 years old–far from a minor child! And they did NOT want to co-sign any more loans because the undergrad interest rates are egregious.

What I’m saying is it was tough to watch people with privilege deny it exists. It sucked to see several people in the pre-vet club no-show to most meetings and events, but write down the club and get into school over me. Meanwhile, I was actually showing up despite having to also be employed to pay my own way. It was difficult to watch Ashley have drug and alcohol problems, and her mom literally had to attend chemistry lecture with her to ensure she showed up to class. But because she could ride with the equine vet, while I did mere barn crew work to pay my bills, for example, her application looked better than mine. And it was disheartening to see Melissa’s daddy buy her a second car (on top of paying her full tuition) when she hit a deer on a hunting trip and totaled the first car he bought her. When I was pouring brake fluid in my car every morning in order to make it to work, because I couldn’t afford to repair it. She, like Ashley, had a lot of time to study because she didn’t have to work, and only worked a few hours a week for a couple years of college. And I liked Justina and got her a job at the hospital I worked at for 6 years. But it was rough to see her go from full time (unemployed) student to working part time in her final year of college, and get into vet school over me. And I gave the side-eye to a guy I was dating and his best friend, veterinary students who didn’t hold jobs, but did have the time to be involved in the rave scene, and everything that goes along with that. They even attended Bonnaroo festival every year, if that tells you the level of financial support they had. Those are the financial situations I saw make it into vet school over me.

So you can see why I might be disgruntled that I jumped through a lot of hoops to gain residency in a state that had a vet school, while my competitors were lucky enough to be born there, (their parents) paying in-state tuition. And why I might be bitter that I did actual hard work in animal jobs while someone standing next to the vet for a day was given priority. And angry that I had to give up my seat in veterinary school for lack of co-signer, when other peers didn’t pay a dime for anything in undergrad so they were just taking out their FIRST loans for vet school…

It impacts the profession. The privileged have higher work satisfaction expectations and don’t know how to tough things out as well as people who are forced to scrape by. For example, the gal I told you about earlier, Melissa couldn’t work as hard. She about crumbled when we had to work overtime for a week because of high demand. She did the OT, but didn’t show up on time for her own shift at the end of the week. She was tired and not used to being forced to hustle like that. And being called out made her disgruntled. The privileged have not eeked out a living in the same way, holding 3 jobs (because they HAD to) and forgoing relaxation and pleasure, so they don’t do that in the career either.

I didn’t go through vet school, but as an employee trying to help, and as a client, trying to get my pets care, I have seen evidence of how this admissions trend has impacted the field. People who didn’t experience as much hardship, and had a relatively easier time getting into and through vet school, run their career with that mentality–it’s what they know. Privileged people leave school with that same sense of entitlement and I worked for a vet that was 7AM to 4PM, no weekends or holidays at all, because she wanted to ski.

A lot of people are going into the field with the expectation of being able to balance work and family. They want part time work, or free weekends, or to leave at closing time. Full lunches, days off, yet a full paycheck is not that practical of an expectation the way the field is currently run, and either someone else is taking up that slack, or the animal care is impacted. Those basic worker rights and niceties don’t seem like a lot to ask to people with the perspective of an office job. But like the Covid nurses having to do ridiculous things to keep up, the veterinary field just requires a tremendous amount of time and commitment for very little money (I don’t make the rules). You’d have to change a lot of systemic things to change that fact. In the mean time, working late, over a lot of days is what’s needed. And that’s known before you get into school, and these privileged people go through with it anyway. If veterinarians want more work/life balance and are working reduced hours (because they’re used to having leisure time) but the demand for animal care is growing, that means more of an assembly line mentality.

I know first hand as both employee and client that animals have been lost in the shuffle:

My one boss left me (an assistant) in sketchy situations that were over my head, and detrimental to patients, because she couldn’t be bothered to show up on weekends. But her daddy was some kind of international lawyer, so she was accustomed to having an easy way through life, and leaning on other people. And it showed in the way she conducted herself in her million dollar hospital.

Vets are booked (too) heavily, and less available. “Exams” are being performed in the treatment area to cut corners and save time–quantity over quality. One of Goose’s vets didn’t report the results of bloodwork for an entire week. And Goose’s blood pressure was wildly out of control because of slipshod, rushed diagnostics. His blindness went undiagnosed for over two years for the same reasons.

My first post was based on anecdotal experience, and did not give data to substantiate what I saw and went through. Here, I’ll share some snippets of articles and research proving what I said back then IS true. I mean, this isn’t written like a scientific article, appropriately cited, but you can see research proves what I’m saying.

If you/your family have less money to start with, and you have to pay your own way–you’re at a disadvantage.

Students with the time/help to get straight As will be at the top of the admissions list. Those that can also devote time to gaining experience, outside of a paid job, have an advantage.

The state you were born should NOT impact your ability to get into veterinary school!

Under 6 thousand is a drop in the bucket. And the people that already face the disadvantage of having to earn an income (thus not gaining that diverse, unpaid, experience in the field) aren’t getting the scholarships as frequently. Those who can’t afford not to work during vet school, can’t even think about joining the field.

*^*THIS*^*

That’s exactly right. Your geography and family’s income impacts your ability to amp up your vet school application. That precludes people in urban areas, sparsely populated areas, people without access to transportation, people who are forced to get a job, on and on.

People that don’t have to worry about necessities are the ones with the ability to put together a great application, pay tuition while not holding a job, and enter the field under dire debt-to-income ratios.

This isn’t the fault of vet school admissions committees, but there should be some sort of plan in the profession to make this situation more reasonable.

Who can DO that without assistance of some kind? How are these people paying rent? Of course veterinarians are a privileged group. Otherwise they would be homeless based on these numbers.

The lack of racial diversity in the veterinary field in directly tied to the admissions process. If you are disadvantaged, you have a much bigger hill to overcome, more barriers to filling your application than others. Yes, everyone who got into vet school worked hard, but also they started out in the middle, or even toward the top of that hill. And honestly, you need to check yourself if you are triggered by me saying it.

Sources:

https://time.com/5901334/black-veterinarians-diversity/

https://jvme.utpjournals.press/doi/pdf/10.3138/jvme.31.4.414

https://www.avma.org/javma-news/2018-01-01/divided-debt

Best Moments of 2022

1 Jan

I was really grasping at straws for the most part to make this a list. I had to dig deep to think of the good times.

#21 Best thing:

Pride Parade was neutral. It Rained hard for a long time. We were soaked and chilly.

The police were good sports when the gays decorated them–they didn’t hate it. They DID refuse glitter though 😛

Despite the rain (and Cool’s event anxiety) we looked awesome.

#20 Best thing:

ScarecrowFest was neat. The entire town had sponsered scarecrows, and they were everywhere! We got to vote for our favorite on the website. Though as of yesterday (12/31) they still had not posting the result of the vote…

#19 Best thing:

I was in a totally different market at work:  (Jan-July/Aug) as extra help and that took me away from Jogre and KDouche-Finally! My interim supervisor was the best!!! He was communicative, friendly, and helpful. Good help was available, training was more frequent. They treated me nice, and so did everyone in that market (until I was actually transferred to their team permanently). I had really high confidence and hope that my work problems were over. [I didn’t know at the time it was a bait and switch…]. I was happy at work for half the year. 

#18 Best thing:

Zoo for Cool’s bday was fun.

This is not a zoom lens. You actually get this close to the penguins and the puffins!

It’s not higher because we got lost on the way back to the car, and walked (unplanned) 8 miles around sketchy areas in the heat and humidity.

#17 Best thing:

You-pick farm was low-key and fun. Flowers were beautiful. 

#16 Best thing:

Went permanent for the new market after the Sup said she doesn’t regulate OT. I was relieved and hopeful. 

At the time this was extremely good news. I would be away from Jogre and KDouche forever! Little did I know this sup was an even more aggressive narcissist. But for the time, it was really, really good news and a relief.

#15 Best thing:

Narwahls

They have alcohol slushies, and they do a flight. And also… Adorable!

Don’t I look miserable and tired, P.S.? This was after the moving ambush, packing frenzy, driving across 4 states, and sleeping on concrete. But the slushy was really good.

#14 Best thing:

Got a shamrock shake in the town of Shamrock TX when we were on our moving road trip. The milkshake machine worked!!!

#13 Best thing:

Randalls

#12 Best thing:

Music was pretty good again this year and I was on top of my ranking which felt good. 

Thanks to Taylor Swift for forcing me to finish it by Oct. It actually really helped (though I STILL have to do Weezer’s winter installment.

#11 Best thing:

Loft Landlord offered to let us sign a lease early to lock in same price for the next 19mo. We signed longer in order to move in better weather. 

We started asking about the price for renewal early, not wanting to be taken by surprise again. And I knew I needed to start packing and making reservations for storage and moving trucks by November. . . Having moving PTSD, I was very stressed and unprepared to pack all of our stuff again. And we had not recovered from 500 Move (Glendale, AZ) or our work CoL paycut. So even though there’s been car break-ins, burglary, fights that escalated to brandishing, a car on fire, rapes, and a full-on 12 person gun fight–I was relieved. I couldn’t pack and do all the moving logistics, make all the change of address calls, find a place, etc… so soon. And the money wouldn’t allow it-not in ideal way anyway. So it feels good to be locked into this rental price and to have some stability for the next year and a half.

#10 Best thing:

Halloween movie marathon! 

#9 Best thing:

Cool got her music on Spotify and Apple Music and other platforms!!!

This has been a long term goal and she made it happen this year. I am so PROUD of her. Take a listen to ManiK Fox. Follow on social media, as she is always making music and art. She has two albums up right now with more to come. I got to help name a couple songs on the first album, so that’s pretty neat too. And the second album has a song with the characteristics of each astrological sign, so January is the perfect time to check it out.

#8 Best thing:

After 13 years we ordered rings.

Wedding rings, commitment rings, whatever you want to call it. Cool and I don’t need papers, of licenses, or rings to legitimize what we have together. We could never afford it before, but made it a priority this year.

The rings are made of dinosaur bones/fossils! Cool’s will have stegosaurus and mine has T-rex. And they have actual meteor (is everything else second best after that meteor strike??!) in them. Mine (my planet in the moon) will have lunar meteor in it. And they’ll have beveled edges so they don’t look like a Claire’s ring.

It’s so low on the list because they won’t come for 10 weeks (in late March 2023).

#7 Best thing:

Double pained windows 

It’s toward the top of the list because it allows temperature control. We’ve always had drafty, single pane windows and a sliding glass door which do nothing for the cold or heat. So the double panes allow us to be more comfortable, and also lower the utility, which is a top priority for me. We always wanted double-pane windows, but could never afford that type of rental before! So Yay(?) random (gun) violence for making this loft affordable.

Except for the one drafty one (yup, that’s snow/ice/frost on the INSIDE):

And of course one of the items stolen from our storage was a window plastic kit…

#6 Best thing:

song analysis

well, you’ve seen.

At some points, analyzing songs was the ONLY thing that would stop my ruminations. It was one time I was relatively calm, and thinking about something else. Writing was a bright spot, and I wish I could get some type of income from writing from home.

#5 Best thing:

Finally found Goose a good vet

We have gone through FOUR (5 if you count my last vet job where the vet didn’t GAF) where the vets were too busy to care. Exams were done in the back, blood pressures half-assed or not done at all. Goose was treated like a checklist and I was treated as a nuisance.

But Dr. Ervin LISTENED. He took TIME to do things properly. He was professional and kind. Goose and I love him!

#4 Best thing:

Got $2800 from renters insurance for 500 Move (out of literally $10k paid directly to 500 move, and probably $5000 of damage/lost/stolen items) But it was something! 

It was very easy to complete the claim too (unlike 500 Move). You just select your items from an amazon-like link.

#3 A,B,C Best things:

Brandi in KC-close enough to walk and next door to the zoo!

And at the zoo, you got to go right in with the kangaroos! No fences between us at all. And no staff was even in there watching. It was amazing! This pic is actually how close we got (don’t worry, we stayed on the path, as advised by the signs).

The AirBnB was within walking to the venue. No lateness phobia! No parking! No paying to park! No having to wait to leave or messing around with drunk drivers trying to get out of the venue! We just ate at home, walked through the neighborhood, and walked right up. As a result we were first in our line (which is not usually my luck).

#2 Best thing:

The 4 cats were perfect angels on the car ride and in hotels during the move.

They were almost entirely quiet during the car ride. And we had charcoal liners in their carriers, so when baby Angus had to go at a very inopportune time on the road it wasn’t a big deal. He tried very hard to hold it, then harder to tell us he was about to have an accident. When we coaxed him to just pee nobody smelled it and no one was wet!

And it was the best they’ve ever done in a hotel. Goose gets angsty and stressed out in hotels and won’t sleep-or let us sleep. Once, he was so unhappy about a car ride that he peed on my hotel pillow! And he NEVER inappropriately urinates. And in the past, C.L. yowled the whole car ride and was wandery and unsettled in the hotel.

I was ready for the worst. If two cats made for a bad trip, 4 were going to be miserable! But more cats actually helped. It was like they calmed each other. The sat in pairs in the car and like I said, everyone was just cozy. And they SLEPT in both hotels. It was more than I could expect from 4 babies, and I was so PROUD of them. And relieved to listen to podcasts instead of meows in the car. And very pleased to sleep at night, instead of trying to calm stressed out cats. Oh, and NO meds, ZERO substances. Just more cats than before.

#1 Best thing:

It was bad: I felt hopeless, depressed, anxious, uncertain, and constant dread. I knew there was no way out without upsetting my whole life, probably getting less money, and likely having to go to an office, and I didn’t want that. So I remained in the company, just on edge and paranoid and unhappy. BUT out of nowhere the corporation moved me away from my narcissist supervisor back to the other side of the company! And NOT to Jogre’s team. I did not have to do anything or say anything. Everyone (including, and especially MNarc) was upset about the yanking, and lack of communication, and the timeline (NOW, NOW, NOW!), but it solved all my problems in one swift action! I automatically felt a million times better. I am able to think about things other than work. I don’t have required overtime every weekday, or holiday hours to work. And I don’t have to put up with being abused anymore. It feels good, and I want 2023 to be calm and peaceful!

Worst moments of 2022

31 Dec

The whole year was bad. Worse than 2021, which had bright spots, and despite constant work harassment, was one of my favorite times in my life. I loved quarantining with my family and working from home! 2022 was one of the worst years of my life. The only comparably bad years were: 1993 (had to switch classes bc of Courtney drama), 2005 (dealing with sociopathic Douche post break-up), 2007-08 (narcissistic discard at the Cabin-Mansion). I bought a book about how to deal with people who have personality disorders to hopefully prevent some of this in the future.

I know this list is long, so I’m going to make separate posts too. But we have to wait for DWMHT parts A-T and Quesion… 1-20 to finish posting. Anyway, on to this list of awfulness:

#15 Worst Moment

Our settlement from from 500 Move (Glendale, AZ) was $84 and contingent on an NDA

FUCK them. I’m going to tell the truth about them everywhere possible. My silence cannot be purchased for $84 measly dollars. That is literally not even 1.0% of the money wasted. This is only so low on the list, because after all this company’s $hit, I didn’t expect much in the first place.

https://www.yelp.com/biz/500-move-glendale

https://www.bbb.org/us/az/glendale/profile/moving-companies/500-move-llc-1126-4001288/complaints

#14 Worst Moment

We had tickets to see the Indigo Girls! We slogged through work, too excited to concentrate. We primped and got ready. Cool and I ate at a (terrible and overpriced) restaurant nearby. Then, we walked to the venue through the high humidity, sweating through our cute outfits. And nobody was around… Strange. There was no line. Were WE first? I walked up to the door of the venue, and a post-it was taped to the window: Indigo Girls was canceled. But we didn’t get the memo. So we walked back home. I guess somebody got Covid, but nobody had emailed us, or anything like that. And the event wasn’t rescheduled for 9 months so we were afraid it wouldn’t be…

#13 Worst Moment

Jogre was promoted to supervisor (insert LWYMMD, “What?!”)

I know for a fact that at least one other person filed an HR complaint against her. I literally have 49 pages (standard margins, font, etc…) of logged incidents (over 11 months) with date and time of bullying and harassment. HR and the EEOC both said the amount of micromanaging and communications she had with me was excessive. Yet, the company thought she needed a promotion. What nonsense. I hope I never have to deal with her again, but it is always a fear because we’re both still in the same department.

#12 Worst Moment

Cool got Covid during our moving ambush. 

While in our packing and calling frenzy, Cool got Covid. Before the move, we had been quarantining-getting everything delivered, going nowhere. In all the months Covid had been on the scene, she went inside one store, correctly wearing a mask–and got sick. Cool slept for 23 hours a day. She would try to get up and watch TV, and nod off in 20 min or less. She had a headache, aching legs, and a fever. She had a gray paler and couldn’t eat or think. For example, we keep Clorox wipes under the kitchen sink to clean the counters. While I was packing a box, I said, “Will you wipe off the counters?” And she said (after taking like a 3 min pause to think) “with what?” I about lost my mind. And she couldn’t help me with any of the moving logistics because she felt so run down. There was not enough time off from work for her to get her thinking straightened out, so she had to process claims in a Covid fog. It just exacerbated the stress of the situation. I can’t believe I didn’t catch it from her being inside the house (unventilated in winter) and sleeping in the same bed.

#11 Worst Moment

The fucking prices were bananas!

Sure, sure supply chain problems. But also corporate greed. Everybody out to make up for their two year losses, and demand from cooped up people remains high, so nothing has hemmed them in. I hate our extreme capitalism. Of course during our 1476 mile move, gas was in the $5 range. We are spending LESS than we did the last two and a half years, but struggling much more to stay financially afloat. Regular groceries jumped from about $200/mo to (same or less groceries) $800-it’s obnoxious.

#10 Worst Moment

Someone broke Jasmine’s window in our gated parking lot. 

So much for the security gate, I guess they either lived here or climbed it. And we never heard if anyone got caught–per the usual here. There was nothing to steal, actually, they took one thing. I had a mini Bath & Bodyworks hand sanitizer bottle in the driver’s side door. The lovely smelling B&B had long run out, but I had refilled it with generic hand sanitizer. And that had sat in the AZ heat plenty of times, so I’m not sure it was doing much. They took that. I hope they were disappointed. And I hope they touched their face with a germy hand.

But the window needed to be repaired. Unfortunately, this is a huge issue in the city so we were far from the only ones on the fix-it list. Safelight made us wait forever (Sept 13 to Oct 4) to repair the car window and we couldn’t drive the car in all that time. Then, when they finally put in a new pane, he couldn’t fix it completely. The window will not go back up if it’s ever opened. And shards of glass were left in the back of the car. To add insult to injury, we still had to pay our $85/mo parking fee.

#9 Worst Moment

My company skipped my raise when I went to a market that was desperate for help and again when I was advanced trained in that market.

It’s a slap in the face, because every meeting was all about how behind they were, and how the mandatory 10 hour/wk overtime was indefinite (and been in place for the last three years). It was difficult to find and train people for that market because it is on an entirely different platform than the rest of the company. Yet, they still shortchanged me. I had been emailing with HR, then they just dropped out of contact. HR ghosted me for a month! And when I emailed the head HR lady (I had her info from when we moved states) she said–it’s a lateral move to the same position. Which is egregious because we had to be trained from January to late March just to be able to adapt to the new system. She knows damn well that is a specialized position requiring more skill than the average analyst.

As for the advanced training raise, both Cool and I had gotten a pay increase every time we were further trained. Obviously, because our added skillset was valuable. But not in this new, desperate market. I was skipped over, and I knew it was a waste of breathe to even ask. But it sucks.

#8 Worst Moment

Someone broke the lock mechanisms off the doors in our apt storage units.

“Lock broken, slur spoken” indeed. I had felt safe because you have to have key fob access to get into the property, where there are cameras. And you have to scan at the door to get into the building, and pass through the lobby which has more cameras. You have to use your key fob a third time to get into the storage area. But apparently someone who lives here broke the actual lock fixtures off of the doors. All of our padlocks were locked and intact, but the doors were ripped apart. This person rifled thru every box. They climbed up to the top of our washer/dryer to open boxes stacked to the ceiling. I couldn’t get up there without a full size ladder because I was too heavy and was crushing things, so they must have been more petite than me. They unpacked things, putting them in other boxes, or in a different storage unit (sometimes one of ours, sometimes a random person’s). For example, they took socks out of the homemade draft protector box, and put them in the very back, 4 deep, bottom box in one of other storage units. It was disconcerting. They opened our snow shoes and put the bag in someone else’s unit, put the pole in the hallway, and apparently took the 2nd pole of out there because we never did find it. So many things were like that! They unpacked and mixed up nearly every box of every storage unit, strewing it around. But they also stole things. Weird things like one box fan, a window plastic kit, blackout curtains, shower curtains, and a security bar. But also things I will miss like my snowboard jacket, helmet, gloves, and heavy Sorel snow boots among other things.  They left Cool’s snowboard gear aside from goggles and gloves alone, and luckily didn’t take her nice waterproof jacket. We never found out if anyone was caught. It took the property manager a full month to fix any of the locks, and since we had put bicycle locks on our units, they skipped fixing ours. Not only did I lose valuble necessities, but I have to do another insurance claim. And I have to re-pack everything, which is a whole big thing.

#7 Worst Moment

I had to file the moving claims.

They intentionally make it as difficult as possible to discourage you from filing. It was time-consuming and retraumatized me every time I had to work on it. I honestly think I have PTSD over the whole situation. The whole thing took months to prepare! The moving company’s insurance would not accept emails, files, usb drives, discs, nothing–it HAD to be snail mail. And of course it was a lot of pages, with some colored pictures to convey the damage. Going to the UPS store was a disorganized nightmare, that took 4 times longer than it should and required me to go behind the counter in the back and help. It cost more to mail the claim ($100) than we were offered as a settlement ($84). Actual size of the finished claim components:

Surprisingly, only #6 Worst Moment

Gunfight right outside.

How can an actual gun fight (with automatic weapons) be in the middle of a worst-of list, you ask? That explains my 2022–it was one of my worst years ever. See my other post about how scary and weird the gun-fight was. And there are now actual bullet holes in my car, giving it a ghetto aesthetic. Here, are some comments from my community, which ranged from apathy, to unrealistic do-gooders, to gun-happy, to judgy.

#5.5 Worst Moment

My supervisor micromanaged my every click and berated me over hours

We did group work during the entire advanced training. So I was able to gauge that I was picking the information up the fastest, and doing the best of my team. The trainer also told me I was doing really well on the last day. The day after training reports went out (I’m assuming mine was good) codename MNarc started treating me dumb. She watched me process claims for 30 min one day and an hour on another day. It was more time than she spent watching my peers (according to them). And she was “helping” me with things I did not need help with–like reading the workflow. She kept saying I was getting ahead of myself in the workflow when I wasn’t and said that I needed to learn how to read them (I’ve been using workflows at this company for over 3 years). But also she was saying the workflow was wrong, couldn’t be trusted, and she never used it.

She was telling me things like not to take notes, and saying my personal claims tracker was a waste of time that I didn’t need. Even after I gave her 4 ways that the tracker helped, she didn’t want me using it. She also said not to open all the attachments, just one. She told me if the EOB was for a different member than the claim, just to say YES there is an EOB. She said not to read into boxes, just answer the question they write–is there an EOB, YES/NO? Which leads you to apply that coordination for the wrong person.

I’ve worked there for over 3 years, so I knew some of what she was telling me was bad advise. Her words were contradicting my training, my work over the years, Cool’s training, and everything Cool’s teams have told her. It was confusing, and I didn’t understand what had caused the major change in MNarc’s demeanor. I was afraid that I present myself as confused and flaky. Why else does this keep happening to me? Jogre and KDouche also treated me like I was stupid (despite having access to my production data, and my end of the year review, which was the highest you can get on every quantitative measure).

So I went to YouTube and asked why my boss thinks I’m dumb. In researching why, I found out MNarc, KDouche, Jogre, and my ex-mentor are narcissists. Everything fell into place (there will be many future posts on this topic)! But I also felt shock and had an impending sense of doom. Being targeted by yet another narcissist that was in a position of power over me made me maximally anxious, hopeless, and depressed. How could this be happening to me again??!

#5 Worst Moment

Processing Tests (slightly different/worse than the processing belligerence of before)

I had to process for an hour and a half and another hour in front of JFM under the guise of support. But each of the five of us on my team had to process on one screen instead of the normal two, while JFM watched silently, and took notes on what we did wrong. Leadership kept saying it wasn’t a test, it was help, yet they wouldn’t answer questions–they were just watching and noting. Which is exactly like an exam. As you remember from my Riverpoint days, I have major test anxiety, and adding the layer of narcissism over that made me nearly incapacitated by stress. But I used all of my best test-taking strategies. I took it slow, read every instruction carefully, and double checked my work. I did not change answers or second guess myself or overthink it. And I made sure to write things down, showing my work because that helps me not get lost (or forget the little things) if anxiety takes over. I even took a deep, cleansing breathe between every claim to calm down. It’s nerve-wracking to be watched. Once, I floundered, then got confused, and spiraled into anxiety and panic-confusion. But then I stopped myself, closed the claim entirely, breathed and started over. JFM kept insisting it wasn’t a test.

Except I guess my screen-sharing froze. On my side, it looked just as it had the entire 40+ minutes, and I hadn’t touched it or done anything different. I didn’t even know there was a problem until JFM said my screen was in the same place it had been for minutes. My screen said “stop sharing” which indicated it WAS sharing. But for some reason I think JFM thought I unshared on purpose? I don’t know what’s so hard to believe about technical difficulties at my job–we are constantly having them! But I think she tattled, because MNarc suddenly came into my meeting and her tone was so over the top annoyed that it was completely unprofessional. And she was condescending. She was like, “go to the top right and press share” but like in the shittiest voice possible. I said, “I did.” I tried to un-share and re-share, but that didn’t help. I don’t know why they thought I was too dumb to share, or was un-sharing (after 40 min) on purpose. When JFM had watched me do 8 claims over almost an hour. I could tell both of them blamed me for technical issues of my screen not sharing. I couldn’t stop ruminating about how rude and belligerent MNarc was. I was dreading the next session. I had no one to turn to. We know how last year turned out when I went to HR, the Director, then finally the EEOC. I felt hopeless. 

I went to IT right away, and they were able to see my shared screen. They could see it via chat, and within a meeting. And they said they would be able to tell if there had been problems on my end–and there hadn’t. IT said the issue must be on my leadership’s side of things. And I knew my leadership would not want to hear that. I didn’t know what to do.

When the make-up test was scheduled, my screen showed I was sharing, but JFM couldn’t ever see it. Again, MNarc came in to our session and sounded SO annoyed. I’m not just exaggerating, Cool sits across the desk from me, and works at the same job, different market–and she said it was really bad. This tone was not work appropriate. MNarc was insinuating that I was either doing something stupid or purposely not sharing my screen. So I sent screenshots of the “stop sharing” over the meeting chat to show that my system said it was sharing. She lost her shit when I sent pictures and roared, “Why are you sending pictures??! Talk! How can we help you if you won’t talk to us??!!” Looking back, I think MNarc was trying to paint me as insubordinate, but when I sent physical evidence that it was an IT issue, it foiled her plan and upset her. She abruptly hung up the call.

JFM didn’t say anything about it! I said, “I’m not used to being talked to that way.” There was the longest pause, and then she just said to go back to IT, because the problem was on my side. I even sent her the entire IT transcript from before, but since MNarc said the problem was me, JFM believed the problem was with me.

MNarc went on vacation, so I asked JFM to call me. I honestly wanted her advise on how best to deal with MNarc in order to not provoke her. JFM seemed to get along with her, so I hoped she could give me tips about what to do and what to avoid. JFM pretended there was no problem. I was like, “Are you really going to normalize what happened the other day?” JFM made excuses for MNarc. She said she’s just blunt. And frustrated. And really busy. On and on. And I told JFM she’s a mandatory reporter of harassment, yet she didn’t say or do anything. Then, JFM went from making excuses for the bad behavior to saying she hadn’t noticed anything–I was just oversensitive… I was so frustrated and disheartened I had no allies because this flying monkey was brainwashed or afraid or both!

#4 Worst Moment

My company gave me a 5% COL raise.

Except they took away our quarterly quality bonus. Without my reward for quality four times a year, it’s a $0.37/hr pay cut!!! But the company mailed us a candy bar, amIright?! It’s a slap in the face. When we complained in meetings they gaslighted us and told us that it WAS a raise. 

#3 Worst Moment

Our landlord ambushed us with 25% rent increase on renewal.

When we moved into the house in Dec of 2019, we hoped to be there awhile. And the landlord said, “I hope you stay for 10 years.” We are great tenants paying on time and in-full, not wrecking the place or upsetting the neighborhood. After all was said and done only $100 was taken off our deposit, and that was for the damage 500 Move had done, not us. I just couldn’t fix it, because our tools were packed in the truck along with everything else. Anyway, we had been planning to stay but couldn’t pay the extra $400/mo. He gave us 5 weeks notice.  being completely unprepared for a move, I negotiated 8 weeks with prorating bc we weren’t going to make it. Packing, moving, and logistics were chaos for months. I was not ready to leave Arizona. We hadn’t been to the Grand Canyon, Saguaro Park, or Four corners. We hadn’t really been anywhere, because as temps we got no time off work, then pretty much as soon as we were both permanent employees, Covid hit. We were pretty much home for the entire 3 years we lived in the state. Cool and I got to drive through Sedona on the way out, but had 4 cats in the car so couldn’t take advantage of it very much. The whole thing was horrible, and put us in a financial bind. Luckily, we had been saving to replace Cool’s car, or I don’t know what we would have done. I wish bad things for that landlord.

#2 Worst Moment

500 Move, 5555 N 51st Ave, Glendale, AZ

On loading day (March 11) the 500 Move foreman said the broker (who had not identified themselves as such) HOMESAFE TRANSIT put down “27 boxes” in order to artificially lower our estimate and secure our business.  We had more like 250 boxes, and the moving foreman said, “This is going to cost “thousands and thousands and thousands more”. When he said that, and when he berated me for a full 30 minutes, I knew this was a bait and switch scam.  But we were between a rock and a hard place. Our lease expired at that rental house the next day, and utilities were being shut off the 12th. If we weren’t in St. Louis in person on the 14th of March, our lease would be canceled and we’d lose that deposit. If we haggled or tried to negotiate, this foreman seemed like he was going to just take his crew and leave. I did not think I could find movers for that same day, or make accommodations to move all the items, my Rav4, and 4 cats to a different state within the time-frame.  In short, I knew that was scammy and a bad deal, sketchy contract, but felt I didn’t have any other options, so I regretfully signed.  I had to pay $5,000.00 that day in order for them to load our stuff.  And I paid $3797.00 to get them to deliver it.

We had carefully packed, for example, putting shoes in shoe boxes then tying yarn around the boxes so they would not open in transit.  The movers redundantly packed our boxes into larger boxes, taking no care at all with even the most delicate things.  For one example of many:  Cowboy hats were thrown into the bottom of 5 foot tall wardrobe boxes, and heavy furniture and boxes were thrown on top, crushing them.  I had staged all the boxes on the patio and in the living room, and even with their carelessness, it took the two movers 4 hours to load everything in their truck.

As I was going through the contract, I noticed it said the moving company had 45 days to deliver our belongings.  I said, “That’s not gonna work!  It doesn’t really take that long, does it?”  The foreman assured me they are a national company who works with Alaska and Hawaii so that timeline is for the longer trips.  He said ours would probably take 1-3 days (total lie).  I underlined the 1-3 days portion of the contract and initialed by that time-frame (instead of the provided line by 45 days) to indicate my expectations.  The contract asked when we were available to accept our delivery and we wrote we’d like them to be there on March 16th.The AZ foreman did not say that this date would not be guaranteed, or explain their process of storing, and combining our items with other jobs. Kenneth at Home Safe Transit had said we would just tell the movers the date we wanted our stuff delivered, and he promised we would have the cell phone number of “his” movers to allow frequent communication with the driver ( a lie). 

500 Move was completely uncommunicative. That was not the case. We kept calling to get a status on when the truck would be here and got the run-around from Lisa, the lady who answers the phone no matter what option you press on the phone tree.  Communication was nonexistent and atrocious, and Lisa just seemed annoyed when we kept asking for an ETA.  We were told (for the first time) that our items were being stored in a warehouse, on their property, until the truck was available. It had not been made known to us that our items would be stored, or combined with other moves.  Had I known this was their process I would have never used this company! 

Lisa was getting very ugly on the phone so I said, “We are paying more than double any other company, literally ten thousand dollars, and I would like to see better customer service.”  Lisa doubled-down on her rudeness telling me, “10,000, 30,000, 100,000 gets the same customer service!  She refused to tell us when our stuff would leave the AZ storage facility, and insisted that we wait for an email 24 hours prior to delivery.  I told her we had not received that email at pick up so how could I trust that we would receive it on delivery.  She hung up on us during any pause in the conversation.  We kept trying to find out why we were waiting so long for our belongings to be delivered.  Nobody ever explained the process to us, or why there was a delay.  Did they not own their own truck? Did they only have ONE truck???  We were promised 24 hours before delivery, but we had been promised that at pick up too, and it didn’t happen so I was not confident. 

We were in our new place with just what would fit in a Rav4 (not much). A comforter and pillows, jammies, workout clothes, and 2 outfits each. Our work laptops (but not the 2nd monitors). And the 4 cats and their carriers, bowls, food, litterboxes and that’s it. After a few days of sleeping on the concrete floor we went to Walmart and got an air mattress, a card table and kids folding chairs to work on, and a bed for the kitties. Remember, 500 Move had charged $10,000 which was pretty much all of our money and our credit card limit (I had to apply for a credit line increase to make it). We had to shop around the whole store for an extended time looking for the cheapest items. We finally got mini cutlery in the baby section. It was sparse.

On March 21st we got an email when the truck left AZ, but the next day we didn’t hear anything.  Our items had been in a storage unit in AZ for a full 10 days! We didn’t understand where the truck was, or why it was taking so long to get to us.  We called, and Lisa said they didn’t know where the truck was or how long before our delivery arrived.  500 Move kept us in the dark and would not reveal what was happening. We just waited, not knowing what was going on.

The driver said they would arrive Saturday, March 26 around 11 AM. But it was 1:30 PM and we hadn’t heard from them. Completely unprofessional and uncommunicative as usual. At around 2PM, the driver said he was 5 miles away and got pulled over by the police. They said he could not continue driving in this wind. The driver said they would be waylaid until tomorrow.

On March 27 (6 days after the truck left AZ, 16 days after packing day, a full 2 weeks later than we wrote on the contract) They were supposed to show up at 8AM. At 8:47 AM the driver called and said he just woke up [LATE,LATE,LATE]. He needed to have his coffee and go to the bathroom [TMI] then he would be along. OK… When the truck arrived at 9:37 AM, it was two men that looked over 50 ( if not 60) years old, both with obvious COPD (yet still smoking), and both terribly out of shape.  It took them about an hour (until 10:20 AM)  just to park the 18 wheeler, which was packed with six other customer’s items, as well (there had been one customer prior to us).  Before unloading, the driver demanded $75 more dollars, in cash for “75 foot long-carry,” which I felt was sketchy because we were paying for a 2nd floor move, but the building has an elevator, so I was paying for stairs already that they didn’t have to use. But like everything else, I just paid it because we had to have our stuff back.

Even though we had paid literally $10,075.00 for the moving service, I moved the majority of the 250 boxes and rubbermaid bins (probably 40% of all of our belongings). Since the movers took a 35 min lunch break, and a 20 min break, and they moved with no urgency, it took 6 hours to unload the truck (we finally finished at 4:30 PM). As items came in, Cool was doing inventory, checking box numbers off on a list provided by the company. When there were no more items in the truck, the sidewalk, the hall, lobby, or elevator, that checklist still had many boxes unaccounted for.  The driver brushed that off, and had us sign the original contract under the box count.  I told him their box count was different (240 vs 266) on different pages of their contract, and also didn’t match the box inventory that we had been marking in real time.  He said that was fine (another direct lie), but I had to sign.  I thought it was sketchy that he also asked for my carbon copies of the contract’s box count so we could both sign that. 

Many, many things were damaged by the moving company:

500 Move took no care at all with any items.  They also took no care with either rental upon packing up or delivering.  While loading, they wrenched the curtains by the sliding glass door so hard that the curtain bracket was ripped from the wall!  They bumped and left scrape marks on the walls of the loft while delivering.  Luckily, the floor of the loft is concrete or that would have been damaged the way they were dragging heavy items.

They had carelessly stacked very heavy items on top of these smaller boxes, instead of putting lighter items toward the top of the load. As a result, 7 medium sized rubbermaid boxes were cracked, broken, and unusable. A long, christmas tree rubbermaid storage box was broken to pieces, and those shards cut and sliced the contents inside of that box.

When the movers were staging all the items, I saw a Walmart 5 shelf bookcase in the apartment lobby that had the back piece folded in one corner, akin to the first fold of a paper airplane.  I was helping load items on the elevator and that fold was the only damage on that shelf by the time that shelf went in the elevator.  Some time between the elevator and the door to our loft (apparently 75 feet, according to our extra charge) the movers were so egregiously rough with that lightly damaged piece of furniture that it was literally ripped in half and unusable by the time it got to my door!

A large 5 shelf pantry was carried and stored upside down, and handled so roughly the back board became un-nailed along the entire top of the shelf.  Both of the cambers were ripped out and completely unattached at the top left side.  The bottom frame was completely ripped from the sides.  We tried to repair it, but the walls were now too wide to hold the shelves, and the damage caused the pantry to shift forward, dangerously.

500 Move Dug into Our Secured Boxes to Steal:

I had a paperwork box and tucked inside the bottom was a wallet.  Tightly inside the clear pocket of the wallet was my spare car key.  When I opened the box after delivery, the wallet was at the top of the box and that car key had fallen to the bottom of the box. The box labeled “Wii” had no tape at all on it anymore.  The box labeled “computer games” had tape but a round rip was near the center of the box as if someone put their hand through. A box labeled “mail” was missing a new book of stamps. I had a clear rubbermaid packed full of shampoo, body wash, and lotion.  When I packed it it was so full I had to strategically move things around in order to fit everything.  Upon delivery, things in that box were loose and rolling around because so many things had been removed. A small shoe box sized rubbermaid contained bar soaps, bath salts, etc…  was packed so tightly that nothing moved.  Upon delivery, the box was half empty!

The company does not seem interested in finding the items. We called at least 7 days in a row from the delivery date to report more and more missing items and ask for an update on the status of the search for any lost things.  The receptionist, Lisa and dispatcher, Stephanie, seem annoyed that we keep calling.  On the 4th day we called they said they still hadn’t talked to the driver (even though the driver called headquarters prior to and immediately after our delivery) and couldn’t get ahold of the customer who was right after us.  They keep telling us to just file a claim, but we actually want them to finish the delivery that we paid them to do and give our items back. They declined to give us any contact information for the elderly lady immediately after us in Nebraska, or any of the other customers who delivered before and after us. 500 Move stated they looked for the items in their truck and warehouse and called all the other customers that had been loaded on the truck with us, and no one could find anything.  That doesn’t make sense to me, because I saw the rubbermaid containing the items we were now missing on the sidewalk in front of our complex on unloading day.  If we don’t have it, none of the following customers got it, and it wasn’t held back on the truck–where did it go?  I suspect they are not making an effort to track down our remaining items, and I would like to motivate them to do their due diligence so we can rescue our items.

We were not getting anywhere by calling or writing 500 Move, or via all our complaints against the company.  So my mom, tried to call 500 Move to get information and try to get them to give all of our belongings back.  She did not have success either.  She was unable to get much more information, and Lisa would not allow her to escalate the call to the owner.  My mom was able to find out that 500 Move had not yet entered their warehouse (10 days after notification) to search for any of our things!  Lisa said the warehouse was too crowded and it was difficult to find anything in there, so nobody had been sent to look.

And just to show the kind of sketchy company 500 Move is, here’s a random call we got from them 10 days after delivery:

4/5/22 @ 2:38 PM:

Cool:  Hello?

Caller:  Long pause

Cool:  Hello

Caller:  Sound of typing 

Caller:  Is Charles there?

Cool:  You have the wrong #

Caller:  Oh OK well Just so you know here’s the story of what happened. somebody named Charles asked for moving quotes from AZ to WI and wrote down a number one digit off so you might get several calls.

Cool:  That’s funny bc I just moved and had called for quotes–What company are you with?

Caller:  500 Move

 Cool:  That’s who we used. But we’re having a bit of a problem with some missing items.

Caller:  Oh I’m really sorry to hear about that. Stephanie our office manager usually handles that. She’s on lunch right now but I’ll give you her ext so you can call her.

Caller:  Stephanie 8775006683 & ext219

Cool:  And who am I speaking to?

Caller:  Anthony at 6023317010 “cold called” for 500 Move

Caller:  Who am I talking to?

Cool: gives name

I still don’t know what they were phishing for, but the call, was NOT random. They were up to something, and it was weird and unprofessional.

We’ve contacted the BBB, FTC, Move Rescue police for both AZ and MO, the Glendale non-emergency police line, the FCMSA, the Attorneys General of Missouri and Arizona, Mark Kelly (AZ Senator), 6 members of congress on the housing or transportation committees, and abc15’s Let Joe Know. We really don’t know what to do to get those items back at this point.  Everyone we’ve spoken to indicates this business and contract seem sketchy, and scammy, but nothing they’ve done is illegal.  That needs to change!  This whole situation is egregious and needs more regulation.  This has been the most stressful, horrible experience, and it seems like no one is able to help us.

#1 Worst Moment

The kittens opened the bathroom drawers locking the bathroom door closed.

The day 500 Move was finally supposed to deliver our stuff, after 14 days of camping. One of us got up for the morning and headed to the bathroom to pee. The door would only open a teeny crack. The kittens have always slept in the bathroom so that the senior cats can eat, sleep, and go potty undisturbed. Goose is underweight and blind and needs full access to food at night. And Bison tends to bully C.L. for fun, so it works out better to have them separate while we sleep. It has always worked out fine, the kittens have their beds, water, 2 litterboxes, and it’s their habit.

But in the night (the 15th night we lived in the loft) the kittens had opened all the drawers of the bathroom vanity. Unfortunately, some idiot had built the bathroom cabinets so that the drawers opened immediately next to the door. Even more unfortunately, the bathroom door opens IN to the bathroom, with the hinges on the inside of the bathroom.

The door would hardly open at all. I couldn’t get my hand through. The kittens were purring and nuzzling, but obviously couldn’t help the situation. When Cool wedged herself against the wall across from the bathroom door, and pushed on the door with her feet, it would open just enough for the broom handle to be pushed through. But there was such tension on the door, that the broom handle broke in half.

We have to pee first thing in the morning. And have been living in this empty apartment for 14 days–none of our stuff is there. We have no tools, and even if we did they wouldn’t have helped. I didn’t know what to do. And it was urgent, not only because I had to pee really bad, but because now two live animals were trapped. There was no way to even put food in there, let alone water. I was panic-stricken. What were we going to do if we couldn’t get into the bathroom before the movers arrived??! We had 2 cats locked inside, and 2 cats out in the apartment. The door is nearly flush to the floor so we couldn’t reach under.

I said fuck the deposit I guess, and started kicking the door hard, hoping to break the drawers and get in. The drawers were too strong. I tried to use the broken broom handle to force the drawer back in so we could open the door. But because you had to push the door open in order to get the opening large enough for the handle, it put tension on the drawer, and it sat diagonally on it’s track, unable to slide. Since the drawer was askew on the rails, and there was pressure on just one side, it would not slide.

This was BAD, and I didn’t know what we (or anyone) could do. It was Sunday at 5AM so there was nobody to call. We had to get the door open before the movers came!

I have no idea how I got my hand through. It was pure desperation. I shoved it through and it pinched and scraped my skin off and hurt. It was squeezed so tight and I could barely move it. But somehow through the crack that even a broom handle barely fit when pushing the door in, I got my whole hand and arm through. I had pure adrenaline so I don’t remember the details of how I jimmied that wedged, open drawer in order to close it. After 45 minutes we were able to close the drawer to open the door!

My hand and arm were scraped and bruised, the broom was broken, the drawer is completely bent on one side, and the drawers don’t slide properly on their tracks anymore. But we got to let the kittens out and finally pee that morning. And we needn’t have worried about the time, because of course the movers were an hour late, and it took them a full hour to park.

P.S. We took all the drawers out and put them in the closet, because even if we got child locks to keep them closed I would have been paranoid. That can NEVER happen again!

Everything is Winning or Losing to a Narcissist

13 Oct

My mentor would always call people “losers” and would write off nearly everybody that way. At the time, I never really thought about that.

They will do anything to “win” even if it hurts themself or the team.

At work we get an “audit” if the quality team finds that we processed a claim incorrectly. If you get an audit, and you check that claim, and can show you did, in fact, do it correctly, they sometimes overturn the audit. Jogre did not want to submit my work to be overturned by the auditors. She seemed pleased when I got audits, and took it personally when I would try to show the audit was in error. And when I went above her head, and my audits were finally submitted back to the quality team to double check–the audits were reversed. This happened 3-4 times. My work was shown to have actually been done correctly, and an audit was reversed–but Jogre was mad about it. But audits hurt our entire team and count against us, and against leadership. So when my audits were overturned it actually benefitted her. But she was mad because she saw it as me “winning” and her “losing” (believe me, everyone was losing in that situation).

What to Do in a Win-Lose Relationship with a Narcissist

Narcissists seek relationships in which they dominate and you defer.

Posted March 28, 2022 |  Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

KEY POINTS

  • Narcissists tend to look for relationships in which they can dominate and been seen as superior.
  • This means that someone else (partner, employee, co-worker) must be in the one-down role.
  • They tend to use domineering, vindictive, and intrusive behaviors to establish and maintain such relationships.
Bankrx/Shutterstock

Source: Bankrx/Shutterstock

People who are high in the trait of narcissism, or who have narcissistic personality disorder, often escalate conflicts in all kinds of relationships until they “win.” For many of them, it is important that you also must “lose.” This generally is not a one-time event, but rather the way they want their ongoing relationships to be, with them constantly winning and you constantly losing or deferring to them. This can be in any type of relationship, but especially a “close” one, such as with a parent, child, sibling, romantic partner, spouse, close co-worker, or close neighbor.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of four Cluster B personality disorders in the diagnostic manual of mental disorders (the DSM-5-TR) for which this win-lose dynamic is a common factor. Research indicates strong associations with certain interpersonal behavior patterns for these disorders: “Antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorders, historically classified as Cluster B (dramatic-emotional-erratic) personality disorders, all showed moderate-to-large and significant associations with domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness.”1

Domineering, Vindictive, and Intrusive

These three relationship behaviors tend to keep the other person in a one-down position. In being domineering, a narcissist may be bossy, controlling, restricting of contact with others, and possibly even violent. Vindictiveness is often a punishment when someone else shows too much independence in a relationship—not accepting a one-down position, or expressing a thought that the other disagrees with. Intrusiveness may include demanding to know your thoughts, who you have been talking to or spending time with, and even insisting on scrolling through your texts and emails.

When such behavior—a mean comment, slap or shove, or public humiliation—appears early in a relationship, people often assume it was a mistake or one-time event, and that the other person will correct their behavior and, hopefully, apologize soon. But if that person has narcissistic personality disorder, they are unlikely to change and this pattern of behavior will repeat itself. Don’t expect an apology.

Source:

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/202203/what-do-in-win-lose-relationship-narcissist#:~:text=People%20who%20are%20high%20in,way%20they%20want%20their%20ongoing

Gaslighting [Lessons from 2021]

12 Jan

I never knew what gaslighting even was before the Trump presidency.  Once he provided numerous examples all of the times, I realized just how much that tactic is used against me.

Like one of my worst moments of the year when my workflow directed me to send my manager an email.  I literally took a screen shot of that spot in the workflow, and the tab with the name of the workflow was visible.  In the email I wrote the claim number, auth number, and why I was emailing.

My manager was confused.  And asked me what my question was, and I told her it wasn’t a question, the workflow instructed that I send it to her.  Then, my supervisor emailed and told me in the future I need to send more information when I need help so they can appropriately address my questions.  I reiterated it was NOT a question, and I had sent every necessary piece of information.  I mean, the fact he was saying that at all told me he didn’t actually read my email to my manager (he’s copied on all of that correspondence).  Because everything was all there.  Yet, the manager was still confused.  Per the usual.  This kind of misunderstanding with my manager was/is chronic.

My supervisor and I moved the conversation to IM.  I asked for a list of what I needed to include.  He said:  claim #, auth #, type of workflow, box of the workflow I’m stuck on [I am not stuck, or asking a question!!!  It’s a directive from the workflow to email her!] So exactly everything I already sent.  Then, my supervisor told me to call him.  And I tried to get out of it, knowing I was going to have to call even though I hate it.  And I told him there would be no documentation of the call.  He said he’d email a recap *eyeroll*

So I called.  And he reiterated (as if we hadn’t just been talking) I need to send all the information when I have a question.  And I said, “What information, specifically?”  He said, “We need more.”  Infuriated, I asked if there was a list so I could include everything on it.  He said, “It’s everything I listed in the chat.”  [Then why. the. fuck. are we on this phone call???!] Yeah, that’s what I already sent, I said again.  He said (again), “We need more.”  He pulled up my email for both of us to see.  He was pointing at things, and I said–see it’s there.  Yup that’s there.  When he got to the spot in the workflow pictured in my original email, he said why did you go that direction?  The box in question said: “IN claim?” and I was working an in-patient hospital claim so I had said YES to it.  My supervisor said, IN stands for the state of Indiana and your claim is New Hampshire.

IN stands for a state?!  So that resolved the issue, and the pend.  But what it told me was my manager and my supervisor had not bothered to ACTUALLY READ my initial email, because they would have seen that right away and told me it wasn’t asking if it was in-patient, it was making sure it wasn’t in the state of Indiana. 

That kind of thing makes me insane. @#%@

How I Did on 2020 Goals/Resolutions

3 Jan

In 2021, I felt like things should be at baseline again, but they were not.  The pandemic wasn’t over.  Work was kinda fucked up most of the time.  So most of the goals fell apart.  Can I tell you how much I love the Daylio app for being able to track everything and have actual statistics rather than just a general guesstimate of progress?!

-kept up on in-a-row runs

Today, 1/3/22, I have run 8 years and 2 days in a row.

-continued making a weekly menu, grocery list, and sticking to that at the store.  And shopping at Winco.

Our community spread is high and vaccination rate is low so it’s not too safe to go inside of a grocery store.  We got groceries delivered (at great expense) all year.  And because it was such an odd year with so much grocery and restaurant delivery, we really didn’t do the menu either.

-Continued to put on makeup and fix my hair every day for work.  
In a pandemic there’s really no need for this.  For the first time in my adult life, I didn’t even shampoo my hair daily.  And I felt OK about it.  What a colossal waste of time.  I don’t think I’m going to go back to primping on the daily like I used to.  What for?
-Drink 12 cups of water a day.
We did pretty well with this.  It’s hot mostly.  We exercise a lot.  I tend to get headaches if I don’t hydrate enough so that’s a motivator too.
-went to the doctor.
Video appointments!  How do we keep these forever?!  It’s tons less of a hassle than physically going to see a doctor.
-dentist twice a year.
I am freaking out.  I think opening your mouth in an unventilated room for an extended time is one of the riskier things you could do during a pandemic.  And I looked on Yelp for a dentist who takes Covid precautions.  They have a filter for dentists with all their staff vaccinated.  No matches in my state!  Yelp also has a filter to see dentists that require all patients to be fully vaccinated…  None in my state.  IDK if the filters didn’t have the info or if in fact there is none.  But I’m not going to chance it.

-Floss daily.

Since it is not at all optimal to skip the dentist for this long, I have started flossing diligently.  I don’t want to get Covid, but I also don’t want to lose my teeth prematurely.  I think this is actually the worst situation for me in the whole pandemic.  It’s just not good choices…

-workout at least 5 days a week.
Aside from running a mile every day, we also lift weights 6 days a week.  On tired Thursday we get a break to elliptical or bike instead of lifting.  It’s easier to get all of this done in the morning prior to work when we’re not so tired.  For awhile, we were also able to do planks and crunchies on all 3 of our work breaks every week day.  And lately, we walk every day at lunch time, and again after work–just to get some steps in.
-cook at home and meal prep on weekends to make the week easier.
Fail.  Complete fail.  And now we have to get off the restaurants and just try to cook at all again.
-pay off the Visa. 
I submitted double the minimum every month, but there is still money on it.  But it’s a work in progress.  It wasn’t for lack of trying.
-read.
Failed.  I mean, I read articles on my phone, and reddit, and blogs, and twitter.  But books were a fail.  I started off with very technical long book, then slogged through it.  This next year I’m going to try to read multiple books at a time so I don’t get stuck like this.

Ok, so all of that.  And in 2020:

Save money for a car before November.

So we saved enough money for a car, but then it wasn’t super-safe of a proposition to test drive stranger’s cars.  So we’re waiting for the pandemic to wane a bit before taking a risk.  Also, we’re still able to work from home, get prescriptions mailed to the house, and get groceries via delivery, so there’s not as much need for both of us to have a car.

More time for creative endeavors.

Spend 1% of waking hours doing each thing.  We’re setting the interval timer app to do 4 times of 10 minutes.  Each 10 min segment works out to 0.9% of our waking hours.  So even though I get antsy and feel like I need to be doing something “important” it is so much easier to think of it as a small portion of my day.  Makes it more manageable.  I think as we get in the groove, we can add more activities or lengthen time spent, but one thing at a time.  I just want to make a habit of including creativity into every day.  This went well in the beginning of the year, but as the harassment ramped up at my job, I couldn’t concentrate to do other things.  My head space was taken up by ruminations, or me planning what to say/do, or I kept lapsing into anger/sadness about the situation.

So between pandemic and work harassment, my goals were pretty much busted.  Except for the run and workout.  But this next year should be a little better.

Worst Moments of 2021

31 Dec

This list goes from the worst to the absolute #1 worst:

 

-Mercury made finals, but only 1 game was on a channel we get, the community didn’t GAF, & they lost

Especially compared to the hype and excitement of the Suns making it.

 

-variants nullified our vaccine & we were mostly back in quarantine

-Brnovich & Yee are running
 
 
Kimberly Yee publicly came out against prop 208 which taxed the highest earners on their personal income only to help AZ schools.
 
 
-missing out on activities bc of high risk of Delta variant
 
 
 
 
-Doug Ducey didn’t get recalled, ironically bc they couldn’t safely gather enough signatures in the pandemic
 
 
 
-realized NBA is rigged (covid playoff states, Giannis/shaq)
 
It’s no accident the NBA finals ended up being in two states with no Covid precautions/laws (AZ & WI).
 
 
 
 
-found out our Senator, Kyrsten Sinema sold out
 
 
 
-dad lost a hearing aid
 
-mom cancelled her vax bc she was listening to dis/mis-info
 
-missed Kathleen Madigan & Fortune Fenster & Lord Huron bc delta variant
 
 
 
-dad lost his 2nd hearing aid
 
-prop 208 was undermined by ducey’s new statute
 
 
-my parents were out & about w/high covid risk. Won’t listen.
 
-mom said she thought dad didn’t love her anymore (I hope/think it’s probably his depression)
 
-the heating pad burned Steins tummy
 
 
 
-mom saying trumpy talking-points
 
-KDouche accused me of excessively routing & holding claims too long
 
He said I would need to sit side by side with our mentor so she could tell me what I was doing wrong…  I told him (for at least the 7th time, between emails and verbally on phone calls) that even this phone call gives me anxiety.  And I asked if I could just do the work and send the claim for her to check it.  He did not listen.  He did not try to work with me.  He did not see any other way to accomplish the goal other than the one method he stated.  Kind of annoyed I was asking for accommodation for my anxiety disorder, he said she would  be side by side watching me do the claim so she could tell me what I was doing wrong in real time.  I was upset bc I do have anxiety, and have emailed him at length about that, and even talked about getting an ADA for anxiety, but he would not work with me.  After a long pause, where I was considering bringing up the ADA or alternate methods to achieve the goal, I just said I understood—mostly bc he never listens to me anyway, so why bother?
 

5/18/21:  KDouche’s recap of our 1:1

I understand that your anxiety can get really bad, however, it is best for someone to sit with you on a live claim example. This way there is no confusion and they would be able to see first-hand what’s happening and possibly propose a solution. This will also aid in your questions in regards to the Xref claims.

I do mostly Zx claims all day long, and they are my favorite.  

The auditors have looked them over many times, and the Zx claims passed as correct. 

I do not have questions about Zx claims.

There are many correct examples of Zx claims that I complete every day and claims that have passed audit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t do those random 6 that came through unpaid, for the reasons I explained verbally in the 1:1, and wrote out in an email recap of the 1:1 bc I could tell KDouche wasn’t listening to me. 

He is STILL under the impression I am doing them wrong even though I do them all the time.

 
 
-Jogre micromanaged me

 

-KDouche said “we need more”
 

I emailed you back regarding your email, but I think it got confused within the chain.  In the email, I told you I originally provided:  The claim #, pend, the auth #, how many units it was over, the problem that it’s split into a decimal, a picture of the calculator showing the days split into a decimal, and a pic of the wf tab, and wf box # I got to.  Also, it wasn’t my question—it was a directive of the wf to send it to TL.   And I asked what else I need to do.  I really need to know what else to send to clear up future confusion, as this is a persistent problem.

I asked what else was needed, because I felt like I had sent everything, and rather than admitting he didn’t read the email chain before admonishing me, he gaslighted me and said a vague:  “We need more.” And that’s all he would tell me.  By the end of the call, I was literally screaming, “What else do you need????!!!!”
 
 
-We pinched Bison’s neck in his collar & he said he always hated us so he wanted to move out
 
 
-EEOC didn’t even open my documentation & got everything wrong in the 1 paragraph they wrote!
 
As a last resort, I went through with reporting my work harassment and retaliation to the government.  I spent 3 hours on the phone telling my caseworker the specific details of what happened.  Then I spent 5 hours on a weekend, trying to make all my documentation understandable to an outsider.  It contained a lot of jargon and technical information.  I sent a whole zip file of the documentation because it was SO much evidence.  The day before the case was to be finalized, my case worker emailed asking me to call her a 2nd time.  I was only able to speak to her for 10-15 min during my lunch break.  And guess what?  I could tell 
 
SHE HAD NOT TAKEN ANY NOTES DURING OUR FIRST 3 HOUR CONVERSATION, AND SHE SAID SHE WAS UNABLE TO OPEN MY ZIP FILE, SO SHE HAD NOT READ A SINGLE WORD OF MY DOCUMENTATION.
 
I felt like it was a colossal waste of time, and hopeless.  When she finally did start my case, the one paragraph was full of incorrect information, and did not identify the correct problem.  #$%^@*
 
-dad drove recklessly and was lucky he didn’t cause an accident, and wrecked the car
 
-KDouche said I worked off the clock
 
Employee Handbook: Timekeeping Violations As a company founded on ethical behavior, we take timekeeping violations seriously. It is a violation of company policy for anyone to work off the clock, incorrectly report hours worked, or alter another employee’s time records without a legitimate reason or authorization to do so. It is also a violation to instruct, encourage, or pressure someone to engage in any of these acts. Any employee who engages in behavior that results in inaccurate timekeeping or incorrect payment is subject to discipline up to and including termination.
 
-dad weird sex-talk
 
-HR didn’t help me

-Goose has a mass in his diaphragm

Dr., 
 
I have been thinking of what to say, and sorry, if this is all over the place.  I’m concerned with the density on x-ray too.  I want everything for Goose, and want to have him (happy and comfortable) as long as possible.  I was trying to imagine what it could be to foresee what the treatment could be. . .  
 
If it was a tumor, most the time there would be some anomaly on bloodwork, is that true? And I didn’t think he was really at risk for diaphragmatic hernia at his age/activity level (I’ve heard about it in regards to very young puppies)? And if it was fluid, he would still have a “wet” sound or some respiratory symptoms?  I guess I’m not actually asking for the textbook of the various possibilities.  
 
My real question is:  Out of all the possibilities your knowledge and experience can think of–what is most likely, and are any of them completely reversible for Goose, & what timelines should I prepare for?  I don’t feel at his weight/age he’s a very good candidate for any surgery–do you think he would be? I wouldn’t want to lose him in trying to heal him w/sx, especially if it was uncertain to work, or only bought him a little more time.  Because, honestly just knowing what it is but not having a viable/affordable/long-term treatment would be more horrible than just not knowing for some reason.
 
I would only want to do u/s if it would absolutely tell us what it is, if there is definitely a treatment, and if that treatment worked for Goose long-term.  Which is to say, I know you’re not prescient, but you do have tons of experience.  Please be candid.
 
In every scenario, I’d like Goose to be as comfortable as possible.

Thank you so much,

 
 
Reply:
 
My biggest concern/worst case scenario for that area in Goose’s x-ray would be a cancerous mass.  However if surgery would not be a possibility then I agree the ultrasound would be a bit of a moot point. 
 
As long as he is comfortable, I think it would be reasonable to do some watchful waiting for him. If his respirations change, he is not eating, has vomiting, or any other signs he is not feeling well, we could repeat x-rays and address any findings at that time.
 
As long as he is happy, that is all that counts.
 
Warm regards,

Taylor Swift’s Catalogue Ranked by Kit10Phish (final)

14 Mar

I ranked all album songs from least favorite to my very most delightful favorite of all the songs!

How I made this list:

https://kit10phish.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=11721&action=edit

and check out the many (not final) lists for more description

(numbers) are the album/era

(C)atchy, (D)etailed story, (G)aylor references, (I)nstrumentals, (L)yrical complexity, very high/low (N)otes, (P)roduction stands out in a good way, (S)entimental

Skips
Last Place Song:
Superman (3)

Soon You’ll Get Better (7)
(best skip) Epiphany (8)

Mehs
3 boring:
A Perfectly Good Heart (1): I, N
(best boring-meh) The Archer (7): G, L

Mehs
2 Personally Dislike:
The Lakes (8): G, L, N, P
End Game (6): C, G, L, P (terrible feat!)
(best disliked meh) Coney Island (9): G, L, N (terrible feat!)

Mehs
1 Exactly Meh:
It’s Nice to Have a Friend (7); D, G, L (Ambiguity bothers me; weird production)
The Other Side of the Door (2): I, L, N
A Place in This World (1): I, N
Right Where You Left Me (9): C, G, L, N (repetitive)
(best exactly meh) The Outside (1): I, N (weak)

OK3 = nearly meh (final)
OK-3B BOTTOM OF LIST:
Tell Me Why (2): C, I, N = 3b (thin voice & a bit generic lyrically)
Sad, Beautiful, Tragic (4): C = 3B (both blah and bummer)
Superstar (2); D = 3B (zzzzzz)
I Almost Do (4); C = 3 (too needy/pathetic/un-feminist. Yet catchy)
(best OK-bottom of nearly meh) Jump Than Fall (2): C, I = 3B

OK3 = nearly meh (final)
OK-3A = TOP OF LIST:
The Other Side of the Door (2); C, I, L, N = 3A
Innocent (3): C, I, N = 3A
Last Kiss (3): C, D, N = 3A
The Best Day (2): C, D, = 3A
(best nearly meh) Fearless (2); C, I, N = 3a

OK2 = exactly neutral
OK-2B = BOTTOM OF LIST:
Peace (8): C, D, G, L = 2b (hate pulsing; lyrics condescending(?))
Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince (7); C, D, G, L, N = 2b (don’t care for HS/politics mixing & end chant is too much. But lots of good one-liners)
I Wish You Would (5): C, G = 2A
It’s Time to Go (9): C, D, G, L, N = 2B
Illicit Affairs (8); C, D, G, L = 2B
August (8); C, G, L = 2B
(best OK-bottom of exactly neutral) A Place in the World (1): C, I, N = 2B

OK2 = exactly neutral
OK-2A = TOP OF LIST:
The Way I Loved You (2): C, D, I, N = 2A
False God (7): C, G, L = 2A
Breathe (2): C, G(?), L = 2A
Dorthea (9): C, D, G, L, N = 2A
Happiness (9): C, D, L = 2A
Seven (8); C, D, G, L, N = 2a
(best of OK-exactly neutral) Long Live (3): C, D, I, N = 2A

OK1 = almost good
OK-1B= BOTTOM OF LIST:
Mary’s Song (oh my my) (1): C, D, I, N = 1B
This Love (5): C, G, L, N, P = 1b
I Think He Knows (7): C, G, L, P = 1b
(best OK-bottom of almost good) London Boy; C, D, L, P = 1b

OK1 = almost good
OK-1A= TOP OF LIST:
New Romantics (5): C, D, G, L, N, P = 1A
Hey Stephen (2): C, D = C2
Call It What You Want (6); C, G, L, P = 1A
Tied Together w/a Smile (1): C, D, I, N = C2 (less repetition, some more notes & instrumentals
Gorgeous (6): C, D, L, N, P = 1A
King of My Heart (6): C, L, N, P = 1A (ENDING)
Change (2); C, I (@ END!), N = 1A
Back to December-acoustic (3): C, D, I, N, S = 1A
(best OK-almost good) Cornelia Street (7); C, D, G, L, N = 1A

Good c = almost OK
Gc2 = bottom of category:
State of Grace-acoustic (4): C, L = C2
Begin Again (4): D, I, L = C2
The Last Time (4): C, I = C2 (weird collaboration)
(best Good-bottom of almost OK) Cold as You (1): I, N = C2

Good c = almost OK
Gc1 = top of category:
22 (4): C = c1
Untouchable (2): C, I, N = C1
Come in w/the Rain (2): C, I = C1
All Too Well (4): D, I, L, N = C1 (almost a powwow beat; and yup I did rank it this low)
Starlight (4); C, I = C1
(best Good-almost OK) Sparks Fly (3); C, I = C1

Good b= exactly good
Gb2 = bottom of category:
If this was a Movie (3): C, D, I, N = B2
Never Grow Up (3): C, D, I, N = B2 (problematic sentiment)
’tis the damn Season (9): C, D, L, B2
You are in Love (5): C, N = B2
Stay Beautiful (1): C, I, N = B2
Treacherous-demo (4): C, G(!), L = B2
Cardigan (8): C, D, G, L = B2
Red-demo (4): C = B2
The Last Great American Dynasty (8): C, D = B2
How You Get the Girl (5): C, D, G = B2
(best Good-bottom of exactly good) White Horse (2): D, I, N = B2

Good b= exactly good
Gb1 = top of category:
Everything has Changed (4); C, N = B1
Holy Ground (4): C, D, G, L = B1
This is Me Trying (8): C, I, L(!) = B1
Afterglow (7): C, P = B1
Treacherous (4): C, G(!), L =B1
Daylight (7): C, G, L, N = b1
Come Back…Be Here (4): C, N = B1
Mirrorball (8): C, G, L = B1
I’m Only Me When I’m w/You (1): C, I(!) = b1
Forever & Always-piano (2): C, I, N = B1
The Lucky One (4): C, D, N, = B1
(best Good-exactly good) Fifteen (2): C, D, I = B1

Good a= almost awesome
Ga2 = bottom of category:
This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things (6): a2
Welcome to New York (5): C, D, G, N, P = A2
Me! (7): C, G, I, N = A2 (yup, I ranked it this high–it grew on me)
Wildest Dreams (5): C, N, S = A2 (sexy)
Delicate (6): C, D, G, L, P = A2
So It Goes…(6): C, G, P, L, N = A2 (sexy lines)
Mine-pop (3): D, I, N = A2
Clean (5): C, G, L, P = A2
Tim McGraw (1): C, D, G, I, N = A2
Champagne Problems (9): C (bridge), D, G, L = A2a
(best Good-bottom of almost awesome) Betty (8): C, D, I, G, L = A2a (catchy, & swelling instrumentals)

Good a= almost awesome
Ga1 = top of category:
Mine (3): C, D, I, N = A1
Haunted-acoustic (3): C, I, N, P = A1
Getaway Car (6): C, D, G, P = A1
Death by a Thousand Cuts (7): C, D, G, L, = A1b
Gold Rush (9): C, G, L = A1b
tolerate it (9): G, I, L = A1
Cruel Summer (7): C, G, L, N = A1b
Red (4): C, I, L, P = A1
New Year’s Day (6): C, D, I, N =A1
Cowboy Like Me (9): C, D, G, I, L = A1
willow (9): C, G, L, N = A1 (so effing catchy!)
Dress (6): C, G, L = A1 (SEXY)
Haunted (3): C, I (!), N, P = A1a
Teardrops On My Guitar-RADIO (1): C, I, L, N = A1 (sounds almost the same to me)
(best Good-almost awesome) Teardrops On My Guitar-POP (1): C, I, L, N = A1 (more beat & echo)

Awesome- 3 BETTER THAN GOOD:
All You had to do was Stay (5): C, N = 3
Evermore (9): C, L, N = 3
Stay, Stay, Stay (4): C, D, S = 3
Bad Blood (6): C, N = 3
The Moment I Knew (4): D, N = 3
(best Awesome-better than good) Ours (3); C, L, N = 3

Awesome-2 SOLID AWESOME
2b = bottom of list:
You Belong w/Me (2); C, D, I, N, S = 2b
I Forgot that You Existed (7); C = 2b
Girl at Home (4): C, N = 2b
Our Song (1): C, D, I =2b
Paper Rings (7): C, D, G, P = 2b
No Body, No Crime (9): C, D, L (pronoun/subject) = 2a
Closure (9); C, G, L, P = 2b
The 1 (8): C, D, G, L = 2b
Wonderland (5); C, G, L, N, P = 2b
(best Awesome-bottom of solid awesome) Ivy (9); C, G, L = 2b

Awesome-2 SOLID AWESOME
2a = top of list:
my tears ricochet (8): D, L, P = 2a
Mad Women (8): C, L, N = 2a
Out of the Woods (5): D (bridge), G, L = 2a (is this car crash real? who and when? major gay closet vibes)
The Man (7): C, G, L = 2a
Invisible String (8); C, D, L = 2A
You Need to Calm Down (7): C, G, S = 2a (the 3 things being compared aren’t related? enthusiastic!)
Back to December (3): C, D, S(!) = 2a
Blank Space (5): C, G, L, N = 2a
(best of Awesome-solid awesome) I Knew You Were Trouble (4); C, N, P = 2a (subtle-moag)

Awesome-1 ELITE
1b= bottom of list:
Love Story (2-TV): C, D, I, N = 1a (same except staccato reme-o & fa-ding)
Love Story (2): C, D, I, N = 1a (her 1st crowd favorite, but rom-com effect w/princess stuff & severe heteronormativity)
Dear John (3); C, D, L, N = 2a
Enchanted (3): C, D(!), I, N, S = 1b
Better Than Revenge (3): C, D, I(!), N, S = 1B (sounds like Paramore; problematic mean-girl stuff, but it was a time)
Exile (8): C, G, I, L, N = 1b
Dancing with Our Hands Tied (6): C, G, L, N, P = 1b
Marjorie (9); C, G, L, P, S = 1b (I love the sentiment more than the song. Intense memories of my Grandma, thanks Taylor, for that)
(best of awesome- bottom of elite) Long Story Short (9): C, G, L, P = 1b

Awesome-1 ELITE
1a = top of list:
Style (5): C, G, I, L, N, P = 1a (who is she talking about, what car crash is referenced, is it real?)
Lover (7): C, G, L, S = 1a
Shake It Off (5): C, N = 1a (love the sentiment, & catchiest of ever!)
I Did Something Bad (6): C, N, P = 1a (moag is the star here)
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (4): C, I, P = 1a
Look What You Made Me Do (6): C, P = 1a (exciting like several songs w/in 1 song, I don’t trust nobody bridge)
The Story of Us (3): C, I, S = 1a ( like the next chapter, the end)
Picture to Burn (1): C, I, S = 1a
Shoulda Said No (1): C, I, N, S(!) = 1a
…Ready for It? (6); C, G, N, P = 1a (sexy sounds & moag)
(4th best song) I Know Places (5): C, G, L, N, P = 1a

–and the top 3 songs in the entire catalogue (in my opinion):
*Don’t Blame Me (6): C, G, L, N(!), P = 1a (that moag! She sings her ASS off! Probably the best, barring sentimental favorites)

You’re Not Sorry (2): C, I, N, S(!) = 1a

(My #1 song) Mean (3): C, L, S(!) =1a (after all the listening I learned sentimental really does trump every other characteristic.)

2021 Goals

1 Jan

See maintain for all the stuff we have been doing and need to just keep up or amp up now that the holidays are over.

  1. I need to quickly acknowledge and say just enough to move along at work. Not saying anything, and trying to ignore things made me have pent up frustration. Then I exploded inappropriately. But also, what is the point of getting upset every time? it’s only making me look worse and worse. I already know my manager is dumb and belligerent. And I already know my supervisor is arrogant, condescending, misogynistic, and sometimes dinky. I don’t need to be enraged anew each time I deal with them. And it’s not changing anything.

strategies for this:

rather than jumping right in, I need to take 5-10 min before I respond at all. Give my rational brain the chance to do the talking.

I need to process it with Cool prior to engaging with them

forget trying to make them see my point (neither listen anyway) I need to just keep it light and say OK! just to end it.

2. Play with the kitten more/better.

Time. Make it a priority. Put it in our routine. Make it an in-a-row. Do it early before it’s dark and before we’re tired.

Sometimes he won’t engage. try different color ball, or 2 at once. Try wand. Try the tunnels. Use catnip. Leash-train him so if nothing else we can walk him.

I can always add more later, but aside from keeping up all the stuff we’re already doing, these are the main 2.