Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Lover ~ Daylight

I split the songs up on the Lover album as well so we can delve into each one a bit more.

Daylight

My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in…/…I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you/I don’t wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you/I’ve been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night/And now I see daylight…/…I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked/Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke/Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down…/…Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it’s morning now/It’s brighter now, now…/…I’ve been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night/(Now I’m wide awake)/And now I see daylight (Daylight), I only see daylight (Daylight)/And I can still see it all (In my mind)/All of you, all of me (Intertwined)/I once believed love would be (Black and white)/But it’s golden (Golden)/And I can still see it all (In my head)/Back and forth from New York (Sneaking in your bed)/I once believed love would be (Burning red)/But it’s golden/Like daylight, like daylight…/…You gotta step into the daylight/and let it go/Just let it go, let it go/I wanna be defined by the things that I love/Not the things I hate/Not the things that I’m afraid of, I’m afraid of/Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night/I, I just think that/You are what you love

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Lover ~ You Need to Calm Down

I split the songs up on the Lover album as well so we can delve into each one a bit more.

You Need To Calm Down

You are somebody that we don’t know/But you’re coming at my friends like a missile/Why are you mad?/When you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD)/Sunshine on the street at the parade/But you would rather be in the dark ages/Making that sign, must’ve taken all night/You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace/And control your urges to scream about all the people you hate/’Cause shade never made anybody less gay so/You need to calm down/You’re being too loud/And I’m just like…/…You need to just stop/Like, can you just not step on his gown?/You need to calm down

https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-scholarly-research-say-about-the-effects-of-discrimination-on-the-health-of-lgbt-people/

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments: Reputation ~ New Year’s Day

The songs on Reputation are packed with meaning, and there are many rabbit holes to go down. As such, this post would be too long if I included each song as I did with Debut, Fearless, Speak Now, Red, and 1989. I’ll release these song by song.

New Year’s Day

There’s glitter on the floor after the party/Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby…/…You and me from the night before but/Don’t read the last page/But I stay when you’re lost and I’m scared and you’re turning away/I want your midnights/But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day/You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi/I can tell that it’s going to be a long road…/…But I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or you’re making mistakes/Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere…/…You and me forevermore

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8011357/

Click to access 27696803.pdf

Click to access 27696803.pdf

Narc Plan: Reduce Anxiety, Stress, Rumination

In honor of Galentine’s Day I’ll share some self-care and coping strategies that have helped me.

Focus on living my best life
Do projects that I need to do
Stay busy with my chores*

Give physical love to Cool
Tell Cool how much she means to me
Love on the cats
Keep up on animal chores
Don’t become like the narc

Drink extra water
Work out extra hard
Shave everything
Fix my hair
Take 2 sleepings

Distract myself with podcasts, writing, shows
Read quora narc to feel less alone*
Meditate more
Listen to binaural beats
Go to sleep with asmr
Have headphones connected to phone to meditate when awake at night

Put aside ego
Learn
Breathe
DONT justify, argue, defend, explain (JADE)!!!

Say less
Let it out with facial expressions
This is her problem
Don’t take it personally

Look at it like MenNarc or other former narcs
Look at this from an outsiders prospective
Document for just in case

Tell Cool about the crazy
Laugh at how ridiculous MNarc is

Do not overdo it on the drinking!

Taylor Swift’s Gay Moments Crossover ~ Red (Oct 2012)

OK, Red starts getting a little tricky, because it becomes more muse-centric. I will make each muse their own post later, so these are the generally LGBTQ lyrics:

P.S. I’m intentionally showing my address bar as a lazy way of citing sources, it wasn’t just an off-center snip 😉

State of Grace:

And all we know is touch and go/We are alone with our changing minds/We fall in love ’til it hurts or bleeds, or fades in time/And I never (never)/Saw you coming/And I’ll never (never)/Be the same/You come around and the armor falls/Pierce the room like a cannonball…/…So you were never a saint/And I’ve loved in shades of wrong/We learn to live with the pain/Mosaic broken hearts/But this love is brave and wild…/…This is the worthwhile fight/Love is a ruthless game/Unless you play it good and right/These are the hands of fate

Red:

Loving him is like trying to change your mind/Once you’re already flying through the free fall…/…Regretting him was like wishing you never found out/That love could be that strong

Treacherous:

Put your lips close to mine/As long as they don’t touch…/…And I’d be smart to walk away/But you’re quicksand…/…This path is reckless/This slope is treacherous/And I, I, I like it/I can’t decide if it’s a choice/Getting swept away…/…And all we are is skin and bone/Trained to get along/Forever going with the flow/But you’re friction…/…That nothing safe is worth the drive…/…This hope is treacherous/This daydream is dangerous

I Knew You Were Trouble

‘Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in/So shame on me now/Flew me to places I’d never been

All Too Well:

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place/And I can picture it after all these days/And I know it’s long gone and that magic’s not here no more/And I might be okay but I’m not fine at all…/…You told me ’bout your past thinking your future was me…/…But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up…/…And you call me up again just to break me like a promise/So casually cruel in the name of being honest/I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here…/…Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it/I’d like to be my old self again/But I’m still trying to find it…/…After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own…/…But you keep my old scarf from that very first week/’Cause it reminds you of innocence/And it smells like me/You can’t get rid of it

22:

Yeah, we’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time/It’s miserable and magical, oh yeah…/….Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you/You don’t know about me, but I’ll bet you want to…/…We ditched the whole scene/(It feels like one of those nights)/We won’t be sleeping/(It feels like one of those nights)/You look like bad news/I gotta have you

Holy Ground:

And for the first time I had something to lose…/…’Cause darling, it was good/Never looking down…/…But I don’t wanna dance/If I’m not dancing with you

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/lesbian-tips-get-over-first-love/1724013

Sad Beautiful Tragic:

We had a beautiful magic love there/What a sad beautiful tragic love affair…/…And you’ve got your demons/And darlin’ they all look like me

The Lucky One:

Yeah, they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one/But can you tell me now you’re the lucky one?/….And your lover in the foyer doesn’t even know you/And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page/And they tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused/’Cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used/And all the young things line up to take your place/Another name goes up in lights/You wonder if you’ll make it out alive…/…It was a few years later, I showed up here/And they still tell the legend of how you disappeared/How you took the money and your dignity and got the hell out…/…And it took some time, but I understand it now/’Cause now my name is up in lights/But I think you got it right

Everything has Changed:

Is I know something now/Know something now I didn’t before…/…I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now…/…And your eyes look like comin’ home…/…And everything has changed…/…You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours/All I know since yesterday/Is everything has changed…/…And all my walls/Stood tall painted blue/But I’ll take ’em down, take ’em down/And open up the door for you/And all I feel/In my stomach is butterflies/The beautiful kind, makin’ up for lost time/Takin’ flight…/…I’m feelin’ like I’ve missed you all this time…/…And let me know that it’s not all in my mind…/…So dust off your highest hopes/All I know is pouring rain/And everything has changed

Starlight:

And we were dancing, dancing/Like we’re made of starlight…/…We were seventeen and crazy running wild, wild…/…The night we snuck into a yacht club party/Pretending to be a duchess and a prince…/…He said, “Look at you, worrying so much about things you can’t change/You’ll spend your whole life singing the blues/If you keep thinking that way”/He was tryna to skip rocks on the ocean saying to me/”Don’t you see the starlight, starlight/Don’t you dream impossible things“…/…Ooh, ooh he’s talking crazy/Ooh, ooh dancing with me…/…Like we dream impossible dreams

Begin Again

Walked in expecting you’d be late/But you got here early and you stand and wave…/…You pull my chair out and help me in/And you don’t know how nice that is…/…I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny, ’cause/He never did…/…I’ve been spending the last eight months/Thinking all love ever does/Is break and burn, and end/But on a Wednesday in a cafe/I watched it begin again…/…And I almost brought him up/But you start to talk about the movies…/…And I want to talk about that/And for the first time/What’s past is past

The Moment I Knew

A million little shining stars had just aligned

Come Back, Be Here:

The delicate beginning rush/The feeling you can know so much/Without knowing anything at all/And now that I can put this down/If I had known what I’d known now…/…This is falling in love in the cruelest way

Question… EYE Theory (Just Kidding, Really I’m Joking) [Part 9]

Taylor wins the pronoun game.  I’m not even going to try to untangle the speaker/recipient/changing characters in this song.  It was written so convoluted that I haven’t even seen a satisfactory answer to this yet.  Instead, I took lyric snippets from other songs featuring the same word, to get a feeling about Taylor’s sentiment and even subject. Don’t get overwhelmed with the length of this post.  The word I’m trying to point-out from Question… lyrics is highlighted. 

It’s just a question

Half-moon eyes, bad surprise, did you realize?

P.S. 

The person with half moon eyes is anxious.

Eyes:

Probably one of the most used words in her catalog.  Extras:  tolerate it, 

Dorthea

cowboy like me

gold rush

Gorgeous

london boy

I think he knows

so it goes

Exile

coney island

Ivy

call it what you want

cruel summer

Happiness

Eyes are used in 4-5 different ways throughout Taylor’s songs: Celebrity, attraction, bearding, uncertainty, sadness.

Fame:  The eyes full of stars phrasing is describing someone with ambition to be famous and wealthy.  Taylor describes Dorthea (which may just be her younger self) this way.  She also mentions it in Cowboy Like Me when she spots someone like her.  They both want higher status, money, and the spotlight and will tell the rich people anything they want to hear in order to get there.  

Attraction:  Gorgeous and Gold Rush speaks to attraction to women.  Taylor is upset she feels such a magnetic pull towards a woman, because it’s problematic for her public image.  She almost jumps into the ocean blue eyes in Gold Rush.  Simultaneously, Taylor has to hide this strong attraction.  It will not go with her good girl persona, and will not help sales.  Thus, the bearding.

Bearding:  London Boy is satirical.  There is no logistical way for Taylor to travel to all those places in a short time.  She mentions things that would be awful, like being there while his mates watch rugby-English gals agree that nobody wants that.  Taylor says she loves a gray sky and cab ride.  No.  Those are not perks, but downsides of the UK.  So the descriptions of this English dude are in that vein.  She uses child and boy, which are not romantic.  Taylor is saying this person is under her, subservient, lessor.  It’s like a mother, not a lover.  An employee? Also, Taylor is playing the pronoun game hard in London Boy.  She contrasts “he” to “you.”  He is the dude from the UK, that she has control of and YOU is her true love interest.  Taylor tells us the rumors are true (she’s gay).  And I fancy or want YOU is preceded by darling.  Taylor never says, I love you.  She speaks to the audience and says you know I love a London Boy.  The listeners have been told that Taylor loves a London Boy and she doubles-down on that again and again in the song.  She TOLD us she loves a London Boy, but she fancies and wants YOU. 

In I Think he Knows, Taylor continues the pronoun game contrasting he and you.  She tells us she sees YOUR lyrical smile and indigo eyes and wants to drive away with YOU, to mean her same-sex love.  HE just knows about it.  She again says he’s boyish, and tells us she’s an architect drawing up (bearding) plans.  So it Goes talks about the success of the bearding which hides Taylor’s true love.  In public, Taylor and her lover are magicians and illusionists, hiding their truth in plain sight.  And when they are alone there is sex and bliss.  But all the hiding and secrets and lies make the couple breakdown.  It’s hurting their love.  But Taylor is torn:  Her back is against the wall in regards to maintaining her public image–she must beard to be seen as straight and make money.  But she can’t let go of this love–she’s a hostage to her feelings.  There is strife about this difficult choice. 

The lover doesn’t care for it.  She stares at Joe like he’s an understudy, knowing that she would fight (Bad Blood) for Taylor.  These lovers have to walk on eggshells to keep their true love a secret, and it causes strife.  A million lies and many chances, are breaking the branches this relationship so carefully balances on.  All the closeting and hiding chips away at the love.  The lover gets tired of being invisible.  She doesn’t like pretending that she’s not the center of Taylor’s world.  But Taylor continues to closet and beard, never making the lover her centerfold, never saying her name from the podium.  And that makes the sun (= Karlie) go down, little by little Karlie tires of the ruse, and it gets colder and more lonely for both, per Coney Island.

Uncertainty:  The lover is promised to another.  It might be contractual.  She might want a “normal” life instead of a queer one.  It might be a choice of more wealth than Taylor can offer.  Between the lure and commitment to the guy and the life he can provide, and the problems and complications constantly caused by bearding and closeting, this lover is a flight risk.  In Ivy, Taylor says the future of this love affair–her fate is tied to what the guy will do.  If the lover doesn’t chose him, will he burn the house down?  This man has a lot of power and money… It’s just one more barrier to the Sapphic love. In Call It What You Want Taylor tells Karlie (I hear her name in the song and can’t hear anything else) they don’t have to name what they are.  It speaks to Karlie being nervous about calling herself Sapphic.  Taylor urges her to just go with it and don’t worry about labels–she just wants this love.  Problem is, Taylor sees a shiny toy, this bad boy with a price, and she bought it.  She is telling us she paid this man to be her beard in Cruel Summer.  But she already knows it’s hurting her lover and putting cracks in her actual relationship to play pretend. Taylor is separated from her lover, and that kills her.  She wishes the lover would show up below her window.

Devil = evil 

roll the dice = take a chance

Angels = good and pure

Roll their eyes = They judge the devil for taking that chance.  It was wrong.

No rules = the relationship is no strings attached, casual, a friends with benefits situation

Breakable = fragile, delicate, if you will.

Heaven = Taylor feels pure joy at being with this person.

I love you ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard = The lover is conflicted.  She could be back at the Speak Now days that Taylor went through where the gayness is a house of cards that if toppled will messily ruin everything.  The lover can’t acknowledge it, fears it, hides it away.  This line might also be saying the lover doesn’t want to be serious with Taylor.  The lover is just having a fun fling, but really wants to live a heteronormative life with her bf/beard.  She is not ready to be in a serious, monogamous relationship with Taylor.

He looks up, grinning like the devil = someone/something is undermining the heaven in this relationship.  It might be Karlie’s bf/beard, Jo$h.  And/or the public scrutiny and judgment about WLW love.

Sadness: Happiness is the sad culmination of all the stressors breaking the love apart.  Taylor chose to continue bearding and closeting for her career.  The lover chose heteronormativity, money, the man.  And Taylor is heartbroken.

The half moon eyes in Question… are the combination of anxieties constantly tugging Kaylor (any sapphic lover) apart. There is the internal homophobia and questioning, the career pressures, political considerations, bearding complications, on and on. How many struggles can one relationship survive? Then, there is just sadness about what will never be. All the anxiety kills the partnership.

Moving to CO Logistics

When I get stressed out, I find myself making lists.  It’s an attempt to remember everything.  And an attempt to get organized and make a plan.  But mostly, it’s a (subconscious) way to gain control over a situation I feel is chaotic.  I’ve moved a lot and that’s one of the most stressful things in life.  Especially if the move is out of state–but always.  So here is an example of lists I made to prepare for a move:

Draft a plan and a budget for the job search and the relocation. Look at your calendar for a reasonable relocation date and set a goal. Give yourself enough time to conduct an extensive search for employment and find a home.

Make a list of EVERYTHING you want to bring with you to your new place

Make a list of everything you’re throwing away/giving away/donating.

—microwave, kegerator, chipped plates, orange coffee mugs, vacuum, TV, noodle strainer, blue cooking fan

-remember to cancel utilities like water, gas, electricity, internet, etc

–It is important to notify insurance providers – for example, if you have any insurance on your cars, home, life, health and etc.

—Utility providers should definitely know about your change of address – phone and mobile providers, water and electricity companies, internet providers,

–Go to your post office as well – alternatively you can fill in an online form and send it to them through the internet. You can find the USPS form to complete here.

-print all addresses/phone numbers

-Have some cleaning supplies to clean up your old home after the move.

-Put together a bag pack of personal essentials you will need for the first day in the new home.

–toothpaste, towels, a set of clothes for each member of the family, some snacks and drinks

-Collect receipts for paid bills, contracts, birth certificates, etc. You need all this paperwork in one file for easy access. Keep it safe, always bring it with you during the move 

-Make a list of everything you need to buy before you move.

Make a list of everything you need to buy right after you get to your new town.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done once you’re moved in.

-go to NV and process my storage unit. Have a yard sale, organize and clean the unit.

-Find an apartment

–get temporary place/short lease 1st

—visit potential apt b4 signing a long lease & moving in

–washer/dryer IN unit!

–dbl pane glass

–hopefully 2 bedrm

–clearwire internet

CATS:

-get lysine powder

-get each cat 3 year vax

-get a health cert

-get sedative

-give Capstar during & at moving time

-get Frontline & apply it 2 wk before travel

JOB:

-Create a cover letter template that includes a sentence or two about your relocation plans. For example, you could write, “I’m currently in Little Rock, Arkansas. However, I’m relocating to Washington, D.C. within the next 30 days.” If you don’t want to confine yourself to a specific time or want to ensure you’re available whenever you receive a job offer, add “I’m available for immediate relocation to the Washington, D.C. area.”

-Spend one to two weeks in your desired location, following up on requests for informational interviews. Before your travel, you should have scheduled job interviews by letting HR representatives and hiring managers know your travel dates. If possible, devote most of your time to business — interviewing, sending thank-you notes, touring residential areas.

-later, drive most of my belongings to NV and put in the storage unit.

-have a yard sale in Spokane.

-Take 1 carload from Spokane to CO

-fly to NV, then bring a U-haul from NV to CO.

-fly from CO to Spokane to p/u cats, then back to CO

CARS

-Tune Up Rusty

–oil change

–new all-weather tires

-Registration refunds for the unused portion of your paid Washington registration are available, subject to certain provisions. Complete a Vehicle/Vessel Registration Refundand mail it, along with a copy of your vehicle’s new title or registration from a different state, to:

• Department of Licensing
• Revenue Management Unit
• P.O. Box 9037
• Olympia, Washington 98507-9037

-Apply for a new driver’s license. After establishing residency most states require that this be done within a set amount of time, usually ranging between 30 and 60 days.

-Apply for a new registration. This too must be completed within a set amount of days after establishing residency.

-Apply for new license plates. This generally coincides with the registration process.

-Notify your insurance company of your move and provide a new address.

-Learn if your new state requires vehicle inspections.

-you do need to take a trip to a local CO driver license office.

—http://www.dmv.org/co-colorado/dmv-office-finder.php

-Check out our detailed instructions on driver licenses.

—

• Surrender your current out-of-state license.
• Provide proof of CO residency (utility bill, pay stub).
• Provide proof of lawful presence in the U.S. (birth certificate, immigration document).
• Provide your Social Security number.
  • If you do not have one, you’ll need to provide a letter of ineligibility from the SSA.
• Pay the $21 fee.
  • The DMV accepts cash, personal checks, and money orders.
• Pass a vision exam.
• Get your fingerprint and photo taken.
• Provide your signature.

–Any vehicle purchased in another state and being registered in Colorado must have a VIN verification performed. You can get a VIN verification done at all law enforcement offices, car dealerships, and certain automotive care and repair businesses. There will be fees charged for VIN verifications, and prices vary from place to place.

-Changing your plates is a little more time-consuming in CO and might involve an emissions test if your new abode is situated in an ugly air zone. This is pretty much the entire Denver metro area and a few counties in the mountains.

–The following counties require emissions testing throughout the entire county:

• Boulder County.
• Broomfield County.
• Denver County.
• Jefferson County.

Counties that only require emissions testing in certain parts of the county are:

• Adams County.
• Arapahoe County.
• Larimer County.
• Weld County

-Gasoline vehicles model year 1982 and newer: $25.

-Your next stop will take you to a title and registration office to register your vehicle. We provide comprehensive registration and titling information, so you can maneuver through the procedures in no time.

-Obtain the maps to nearby places you will want or need to get to before you may know your way around town very well. Grocery stores, hospitals, libraries, post office, auto repair, schools, your job (lol!), other shopping, Starbucks (lol!), movie theaters, activities. Make a little book and keep it in your glove box

-Some of the common things forgotten when moving are the records of dentists, doctors, vet, etc. Use the opportunity to get advice for specialists in the area where you will be moving to

Loyalty and Fear [part 2-ish]

Also a post from years ago that I never posted.  I reaffirms I didn’t get out of the field lightly.  I agonized.  But I ultimately did it because I was giving my everything and people still treated me–just politely.  They acknowledged how much they needed me and how much I was doing, but I still wasn’t part of things.  It just wasn’t worth it.

I didn’t know what to do–I felt uneasy.  Worried.  The longer I have the 4.0 GPA, the more I fear losing it.  At this point, I would do just about anything to maintain it–those grades weren’t easy to get.

So I called my parents.  My mom would be at school until 6:45PM, so I talked to Dad.  I told him of my latest work saga, how I was stressed and worried, and confused.  And he reminded me of where I got my work ethic and sense of commitment from–he told me to buck up.  Not in a mean way, just in a this sucks, but you can do it, and that’s what needs to be done.  I told me to do the extra work, study, and sleep less.  Bathe less if I had to.  He talked of 4 on-4 off shifts in the Navy and how rigerous it was and how painful the lack of sleep had been.  He didn’t like it, but he put his head down and got it down.  He reminded me of working the potato farm for 2 cents an hour–back-breaking, long work, with prick boss and coworkers giving him constant $hit.  My dad had done thankless, physical work with no thanks and little pay his whole life–I could make it for half a semester.

And I thought-Yes!  THAT’S who I am as a person.  I’m hard-working and dedicated.  When my team needs me to step up, I will do it for the good of everyone.  And I decided I would just have to buckle down, work required 35% more than I already am, AND maintain my grades.  I had to do it, so I might as well get on board.

And later, I read my mom my glowing work evaluation from 12 days before–all the lovely things written about my productivity, motivation, knowledge, judgement, excellent animal restraint, that my boss prefers the days I work, the A-team comment.  Then, I read the texts between my boss and me from 3 days before (10 days after the eval).  It proved they acknowledge how hard I work, and how I benefit the business, and the way they still treat me.

But then, I still couldn’t sleep.  And I thought–why am I still unsettled about work?  I made my decision.  I’m going to pull this out–what’s left to toss and turn over?  And it kept nagging at me.  So I prayed.  I prayed during my sleepless night for a sense of direction.  Please help me make the right decision so I can feel better and so I can sleep again.  And I tossed and tossed some more.  No sleep–and no answers were had.

Then, a literal 2 minutes before my morning alarm was to go off, and I still had not slept.  I dosed off very briefly and had a dream (I rarely remember dreaming) when I did.  In the dream, I was working at the boarding facility that I had interviewed at this last August, when all the Friday-schedule drama was going on at work.  In the dream, the owners were talking and laughing with me, and my co-workers were friendly and seemed to genuinely like me.  Our employers were taking everyone out for fast food, because we had done such a good job at work.  And I felt like somebody in the dream.  They were treating me like a person!

Then my alarm went off.  I knew the answer, and also know the dream was a result of my prayers.  I had confidence.  Something I had never felt about this decision before.  I had to resign.  And it wasn’t in a mean way or on a whim.  It wasn’t even based on this current situation.  Mostly, because I also woke up with this overwhelming sense that I had been fighting the right decision this whole time.  I had known for a long while that I needed to quit–but I had stayed out of loyalty and because of fear.  But this morning, it all fell into place and I felt at peace with it.

And of course I’ll be scared.  Losing stability and income.  Facing the unknown.  Change.  Complete loss of that part of myself–veterinary employee.  That’s 14.5 years of my life and all I know.  It’s scary.  But not worth staying.  Even if I can’t find a job, and even if I’m worried and scared about money–I’ll know I made the right choice for me.  I won’t regret it.

Like I will tell my boss–I didn’t make this decision lightly, and it wasn’t based on any one factor.  Also, I’m sorry that the right decision for me may negatively affect others–that’s not my intention.  That’s what I will say if when people ask me why, or confront me.  And when they treat me badly in those last 2 weeks:  1)  I won’t like it.  2)  it won’t be so different from the way they always treated me.  I never felt a part of their group.  At first I figured it was because of the age-difference, but now that newer, younger hires are included and treated nicely–I know it’s just me.  Maybe it’s because I’m not all i-phone-centric.  Who knows.  3) if they get nasty and say salty things, I will just tell them if that what they think of me after almost 4 years–it just re-affirms that I’m making the right decision.  Because if they don’t know my work ethic, sense of duty, or moral compass by now–they are never going to.

Work Woes. Again and still. [Part 1]

This is from years ago, but reading it reminds me of the mentality of high stress, low pay, just be part of the team and suck it up–which I always  had (to my own detriment).  This was the beginning of me wondering if it was worth it.  I was looking at the costs and benefits, and the costs were quickly exceeding any benefits.

It’s not wise to post this on here–because you just never know who might read it.  But I don’t know where else to turn to think things through.  I am unable to concentrate on my studies (which I desperately need to do) and I need to talk myself though this stress.

Juuuuust when I think everything at work is OK, and maybe even good–they turn it upside down.  Last week, I had my evaluation where I was called “A-team,” productive, good knowledge, and told how valuable my morning clean/prep schedule was.  Today, we were pulled into an impromptu meeting declaring everyone would have to turn in times they can’t work, because our full-time gal would be gone for 6-8 weeks and we all had to pull extra.  My boss has a mind to just hand us all a revised schedule, without our input.  Also the specific dates aren’t available, the specific number of hours extra weren’t specified other then “lots and lots,” and no hint of discussion/collaboration was given.

So Fridays are back in-play.  And Thursdays too.  Forget about my part-time hours, because I have the most “extra” to give–they don’t give a fu(k about my class/study time.  No one cares that I’m only getting part-time benefits, and as such I want and need part-time hours.  Even for “just 6-8 weeks.”  We all know what that turns into (spoiler:  longer, maybe forever).  I have to study outside of class and have time to do the required assignments to do WELL in the classes.  With just 4 courses left, I’m not giving up my 4.0 GPA.  Not for work, not for anybody.  And when I ask for specifics, and say I’m stressed out–the mentality is the same ‘ol same ‘ol:  just deal with it; we’re all in the same boat and all stressed; this is veterinary medicine so this sort of thing is expected.

But maybe it’s too much for me.  I really CANNOT deal with 6-8 full Fridays, I probably can’t even deal with one  full Friday!  And I certainly can’t do 12 Thursday/Friday combos.  But at work, my psychological state comes last–it’s after the bookkeeper’s, after the LVT, and certainly after the appointment-load.  I come last.  I am willing to compromise, but with my school schedule I already feel stretched as tightly as I can manage–I don’t think I have MORE to give work.

So I’m thinking I might finally just do it.  Maybe the finger has been giving me so much constant, continuous strife at a place where I work HARD and am dedicated, honest, productive, diligent, and loyal–because I’m meant to leave.  Why else would work constantly treat me like a punching-bag?  How much more can they take out of me?  I really feel like I have nothing more to give.

Even though there are very few job prospects HERE.  Especially with a school-schedule that has to be worked around, and one that changes by the semester at that.  Even though I have no marketable skills.  Even though the only skills I do have would be more of the same–and maybe worse.  I just can’t deal.  I’m trying to be a better person, but this job keeps dragging me down.  I just think I’m settled into a compromise both work and I can live with–and they change the rules on me.  Then act like I’m a $hit-head because I don’t like it and it makes me worry.  I don’t think I can keep on like this anymore.  I deserve better, and I want more stability then that.

And I’m finally in a financial position where maybe I could afford to quit.  I could use my surplus school loan money (that I’ve been saving for Colorado-moving purposes) to live on until I can find another job.  And until I find another job, I can tutor at school, and maybe even kids.  And there was a possibility my independent study could become a paid position.  So I could afford to live AND work on my resume’ in the field I’m trying to get into.

But that might make me worry too.  Because it would be difficult trying to find a job AND study appropriately.  And no one likes to worry that their money is dwindling.  And what if I couldn’t ever find a job?  What would I do?  And if I used all my loan money to live on HERE how will we ever afford to move away?  Would this just make me more crazy than just sticking out the possible 12 full days, committing to a work-load that might jeopardize my grades, and the stress of whatever the NEXT work-demand will be?

I just don’t know what to do.  And I have to decide fast, because my two weeks notice would already be close to the 6-8 week span of time, and the point is to try to AVOID that scene.  So I really have to submit a resignation no later then Monday if it’s going to benefit me.

Moments of 2015-Bad

I see today (New Years Eve) as a day for reflection.  And I can’t say I’m sorry 2015 is over.  It wasn’t terrible, I’ve had much worse years.  But it wasn’t what I wanted either.  I like to know where I’m going, and in 2015 I never did.  I didn’t know if I would continue with school, and I didn’t know where my career would take me.  In the past, I’ve been severely disappointed when career objectives didn’t pan out, but this time I felt a calmness and grace about the situation.  Still, there is a dissatisfaction.  And now I’m left to really contemplate what I want in life.  But that’s a story for tomorrow, New Years Day, a day for goals and new beginnings.  Today I’ll post a few blogs about worst moments in 2015.  Which isn’t just picking the scabs of wounds, it’s thinking and it’s learning.  Seeing the worst times allows me to rearrange the circumstances to make next year better.

And again, I’m posting for the sake of time and forgoing a lot of re-writes.  I’ll edit later (maybe).

12TH WORST TIME OF 2015:  -Bob, at my new job, introducing himself as the janitor.  Trying to be funny, but offending me.  Insinuating of course he was much better than a crummy janitor.  He’s some client services administrator–big deal.  When he didn’t know that janitorial had been my very last job, and my father had been a custodian for 20 or 30 years.  What a D-bag.

11.  -Human drama at the YMCA.  Deb being all weird toward me because ???  and holding a grudge.  The churchy gal acting like a bitch and treating me like a lowly janitor.  Just coldness and unnecessary drama from people with nothing to keep their minds busy.  It was stupid, but even though I wasn’t invested in the drama, I noticed it, and had to DEAL with it.  Lame.

10.  -Rusty’s doors remaining half open in the winter.  Primarily because it rendered my remote start useless.  And obviously I NEED that.  I hate being cold.  So much so, that I had bought my own remote start and fought for them to put it in my manual–which is a liability for them and usually against the rules.  And I had always loved starting the car from inside the warm building.  But now it set off the alarm, because the doors were open just enough. . .

9.  -The unwelcoming, frosty environment at MSCL for my first 7 months working there.  NOBODY acknowledged me, talked to me, or anything.  I felt awkward and alone.  Those duds and douche-bags were the WORST!  Here’s an example:  I walk in as a brand new employee–and nobody (even my boss)  says hello.  Or I sneeze–and nobody says bless you or anything.  It was as if I was invisible.  I guess it’s because they have high turn-over, and they were change-averse.  And because it’s a lab, so people don’t have great any social skills.  But it still made me feel like it was ME.  And that brought back horrible memories of veterinary social problems that plagued my work life previously.  I had wanted new beginnings and to turn a corner in a new field–and this was not the start I’d hoped for.

8.  -Not getting into the UU AuD program, despite getting the 4.0, having extracurriculars, and working very hard on my application.  Was it the gay-themed activities I put on my application?  Bad interview answers?  Being from out-of-state?  I really don’t have any idea, and I feel like I should be in there.  Easily.  But this is toward the bottom of my disappointments (and the top of this list) because I’ve grown as a person, through my veterinary sagas.  I had to future plan, which wasn’t cool.  I still don’t know what I will do career-wise, which is scary and reeks of failure.  But I didn’t totally fall apart this time.  I took it in stride.  I do wonder how in the heck I didn’t get in that class, because I feel like I really deserved it and would have done an excellent job.  But I’m putting it on to them, not beating myself up over it.  And I’m not sure it’s what I want anyway.  I’m very disillusioned by the costs of school.  And I haven’t gotten ANY return on my undergrad investment.  And the forums scared me off of audiology a little, because they said Hearing Instrument Specialists can do almost exactly the same job, with NO school.  And they probably get paid equal or MORE than actual audiologists.  Also people talked about it being kind of a dead-end career, that’s highly redundant.  And I didn’t know if paying for 4 more years would even be worth it in the end.  But I’m still undecided, and haven’t closed the audiology door all the way.  Perhaps being 14th for a class of 12 was actually a favor to me. . .

7.  -When my parents insisted I call Dad’s chiropractor’s son about getting IN at Costco audiology–NOW, at the same time I frantically trying to complete a heavy-duty YWCA-UT job application and get ready for work at my current job.  They get overwrought and crazy and over-emotional, then there’s nothing for me to say or do to stop that crazy-train.  Unless I do what they say, when they say it, things fall apart quickly.  The whole thing just reminded me of every other time my parents tried to control me.  And how they were probably disappointed in me.  And that’s how the big horribleness of 2007 Cabin-Mansion had really kicked off the first time, so I was scared there would be a big blow up and subsequent melt-down of the relationship we had worked so hard to forge.

6.  -The meeting where work reneged on the full-time schedule, hours, and pay we had negotiated 3 days prior.  I had finagled the best schedule for my weekends, sleep, and time with Cool.  Everyone at work had left the meeting satisfied and happy.   They got coverage on a Sunday, which had been difficult to secure, I got Fridays and Saturdays off and a late-start Wednesday.  It was absolutely perfect and I commended myself for taking a chance and asking.  But 2 days later, they called me back in and told me I’d have to take the legit schedule I had applied for.  Because a girl (previously a bitch to me) who had more seniority, and was better at the job wanted to work Sunday.  And trying to please everyone, instead of defending me and the schedule they had promised me, they gave it to her.  So I felt betrayed (again) and like I had a much worse schedule.  But I also felt trapped.  What else would I do?  I needed this job, or it was back to veterinary assisting.  So I had to just accept it and deal with–while being really angry, frustrated, and un-trusting toward management–and that bitch.

5.  -When Cool picked a fight just 2 days after my good knows of getting a full-time job.  Cutting short my celebration.  Depression strikes this time.  Out of nowhere, Cool knocks the figurative wind out of me by acting like a major jerk.  It was awful, because I had just talked to my proud parents and had been super-ecstatic about my new job, and Cool knocked me down to a miserable level.  I was really sad about it, because I’m ALWAYS supporting Cool and she just didn’t have it in her to even pretend to return the favor–her depressive episode made it all about her.  Again.  I wished she could be supportive and celebrate with me, but instead her bipolar and selfishness ruined it all.  The memory of my new job is still tarnished.

4.  -Getting stuck with all the moving logistics, work, and most of the payments, because Cool went manic and in so doing abandoned me in a time of stress and need.  Which was the WORST because moving sucks anyway.  And there is so much to do and plan, and so much heavy physical work.  It wasn’t fair and I felt alone and unsupported.  Mental illness is the WORST sometimes.  It’s hard not to blame Cool, and that’s not really what I signed up for.  Cleaning the Spokompton apartment by myself was awful.  It was messy and there was so, so, so much left to do.  And it wasn’t fun, and I felt resentful that Cool had already started her job and couldn’t come do her share of the work.  Especially when I was cleaning things SHE had messed up.  Driving Rusty, alone, and wanting to come home and relax very badly, after such a tiring trip and no sleep.  Then walking into a messy house full of manic shenanigans, with a Craigslist ill-fitting futon we hadn’t talked about.  And dealing with having to clean and reconfigure everything, while dealing with a belligerent, unreasonable, manic person.  It was BAD.

3.  -Finding out I was just PRN (after they promised me something different in my interview).  I had interviewed over the phone for the job.  They said I was technically applying for a PRN job, but soon, they were posting a job with more regular hours.  That job was the same duties, but it was a year of guaranteed hours.  This PRN job, which had been posted was 25 hours a week for training, but then was substitute only.  Not stable, and not really what I wanted.  So they hired me during my phone interview, but told me they would call me when (slow) HR got around to posting the year-long job.  Then, I was to apply for that to make the paperwork legit, and that job would be mine.  I waited for the call to tell me that year-job had been posted and to complete that application.  And waited.  When I finally got the phone call from MSCL, they were wanting me to pick a start date for the as-needed job.  And pretended not to remember promising me the more stable-year long job.  I had written it down!  And the way my supervisor acted was callous–and I knew she remembered, but had just reneged.  But I had to take the lessor job, because what else was I going to do?  I needed an income after moving to a new state.  And sure enough on my first day of work, I found out they had hired a coworkers daughter for MY year-long job.  Nepotism had been at play, and as usual I got screwed at work.

2.  -The fear-phobia really, of being offered a job at a veterinary specialty hospital.  I had a sense of dread and sick feeling.  I should have never applied to veterinary hospitals, because my resume is just BUILT for them.  But I was feeling a little insecure and desperate about my guarenteed training 25 hours per week becoming true, as-needed.  I HAVE to work a minimum of 25 hours just to meet my bills, and that was soon to end.  And it’s my policy to ALWAYS interview for the practice if one is offered.  And while I know my veterinary experience is a major advantage in that field, I didn’t anticipate them loving me quite so much and being offered a full-time position on the spot.  The trouble was, it did seem like the best case scenario veterinary medicine could offer.  It was ONLY speciality referrals.  It was the BEST veterinarians in the state.  The hospital hirarchy was set up so there was a legitimate office manager and head vet tech to answer to–not the impulses of vets.  There was a true support system and everyone was on the same learning curve and truely didn’t leave you alone to fail.  And they seemed nice.  And said they didn’t yell–and I believed them.  And the technology was AWESOME.  They really had it all, not just the Idexx lab and digital x-ray.  Like ALL the toys, including MRI, and anything else spectacular.  But I had just such bad memories.  And I knew the schedules and the overwork, and the under-pay.  All the pit-falls, that really, I could no longer live with.  And it’s not what I want in life.  And the delimma was feeling like I HAD to take it, because I really had nothing else to fall back on, but feeling STRESS at the prospect of taking it.  In the end, I made the very, very difficult decision on not going backwards.  It was really hard (and brave) leaving veterinary assisting jobs in the first place, and I had done it for good reasons.  I had to keep up that bravery even when times got tough.  So I declined, but left the door open.  And they liked me so well, that they said to call any time I wanted a job.

1.  VERY WORST 2015 MOMENT:  Thinking Goose might have thrown a clot to the leg, and worrying about his impending death, and worse, knowing there wasn’t a lot I could do to prevent it.  He randomly fell off the couch twice, and didn’t have use of his back leg.  It was too short to be a seizure (maybe) but didn’t have the pain of a thrombosis.  But my reference point was when the screaming cats had been brought to the vet.  Maybe there were precursor incidents at home that hadn’t been painful, and had gone ignored by owners–I didn’t know.  So of course, I thought the worst.  And I remembered the vets at Cats Meow preparing owners if there were any heart abnormalities.  Telling them to just make the decision to euthanize now, before emotions were involved, because once the clot was thrown, prognosis was grave.  And I remember the cats coming in-just screaming in horrible pain.  And owners saying it happened out of nowhere.  One day, the cat was fine, the next down in back and just SCREAMING.  It was awful to imagine that for my Goose.  And it’s still in the back of my mind, because he is a Maine Coon and they are notorious for heart issues.  But I’m hoping he was just being a clumsy dink, since it’s only happened twice, and the episodes were brief.